Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 16 - Steppin' Out - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



We have to pick up
our dry cleaning first,

and then the boys are
picking us up at seven.

Why did you make
our date so early for?

You knew we had to
work overtime tonight.

Hurry up, come on.

We'll be ready, we'll be ready.

Our watchword is calm.

Well? Did you fix it yet?

Yeah, it's all fixed there.

Well, good, 'cause
I got to go back

to the Pizza Bowl.
Don't let go of my feet!

I'm not letting go, I'm holding
them. Wait a minute, hold it.

Let me out of here!

What? Wait a minute.

Let me go.

I could've got
killed in that thing!

I could've got killed!

Then how would it look?

"Wonderful singer
killed by dumbwaiter."

Why do we have to fix
that stupid thing anyway?

Shouldn't the landlady do it?

When something breaks
here, Laverne calls me.

Yeah, and then you call me.

Hey, I let you sing
in the Pizza Bowl.

Oh, yeah, that's
right. Two songs.

And you make me chop
cheese the rest of the day.

You know how many
people want that job?

Look, it's not
good for my career

to be seen chopping
cheese all day long.

Who is it?

It's Big Rosie Greenbaum.

Don't tell me you girls
got some guys in there.

Hey, Big Ragu.

Hey, Big Rosie.

Hey, big deal.

Hiya, Mr. DeFazio.

I didn't recognize
you without a pizza.

That's right, I
didn't recognize you

without a sailor.

Watch it! Hold it!

Hold still!

Separate and let me get through.

Whew, that Mr. DeFazio

always was a cute old buzzard,

know what I mean,
Rag? Yeah, yeah.

So, uh... where are the girls?

Oh, they're not home
from work yet, they, uh...

Oh, that's right.
They got to work.

Yeah, us common
people, we got to work.

Look, I'm gonna be going,
so maybe it'd be best if you...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Shirley's expecting
me, and you know

Laverne's always glad
to have me around.

Oh, yeah, Laverne will
be really happy to see you,

she'll be jumping up and down...

on your face.

That's real funny.

Nice seeing you.

Ecchh... now I got
to go wash my hands.

Don't ever scare us
like that! Sorry. I'm sorry.

My little heart just went!

What are you doing here anyway?

I was just helping

Laverne's father fix
your dumbwaiter there.

Oh, gee. Well, thanks
a lot there, Carmine.

Oh, uh, your girlfriend's
looking for you.

Uh, what's her
name? The divorcée?

Lucille? Oh yeah,
that's right, Lucille.

I'm supposed to go over
to her house and try on

some of her
ex-husband's clothes.

Ex-husband's clothes, my elbow.

Give me your coat. Coat. Coat.

Still, in all, it was
kind of nice of him

to fix the dumbwaiter.

Now we can get
rid of our garbage.

Why don't you
start with the couch?

I know that voice,

and I hate the
person it's attached to.

What are you doing here?
What's she doing here?

What are you doing here?
Hey, I just want to pick up

the stuff from Shirley
and then I'll leave.

What stuff? Oh.

I, uh, I asked her to come over.

She's collecting old clothes

for the charity
bazaar, and, uh...

Oh, well, that's real
nice of you, Rose.

Yeah, well, you
see, whoever suits up

the most orphans gets a
gold plaque, and I want it.

You've got a big heart there.

Get rid of her
now. Get rid of her.

Get her out of here. Oh, uh...

Sorry Rose, we don't have time

to go through our stuff now,
so if you come back next week?

Come on, you guys,
any old clothes will do.

What you're wearing
will be just fine.

How would you like to wear this?

Ladies, ladies, please!

No wrestling
match tonight, okay?

We're going to the Chez Pfister

to see the Five Satins.

Oh, going to the
Chez Pfister, huh?

Well, you two
must have corralled

a couple of real big spenders.

What's wrong with them?

Nothing happens to
be wrong with them.

They happen to be a
couple of real dreamboats.

Yes, they are
sensational gentlemen,

and if you laid eyes on them,

your tongue would
be hanging out.

Yeah, more than usual.

No, no, no, no!

All right. All right, all right.

So you got lucky
for once, it happens.

Listen, I got to go pick
up some old clothes.

If I see anything in
your size, DeFazio,

I'll be back.

I hope the orphans get together

and beat you up.

Will you forget about Rosie?

Yeah, but she... Please, please.

Think about our dates.

Think about Leon and Roy.

Yeah.

What a couple of cuties, huh?

Well, we better
start scrambling.

No, no.

Tonight we do not scramble.

But they're going
to be here. No, no.

Tonight, calm is our watchword.

Hello.

You want to escort us
over to Angelo's house?

What's happening
over Angelo's house?

It's burning down.

Burning down? Where's Angelo?

Uh, he took one look
at that fire, he moved.

Uh, I'm sorry fellas, we
don't have time right now.

What are we supposed to do,
keep it burning till you're ready?

Shoot. Ah, come on,
Lenny, let's get out of here.

These girls are no fun.
We can help the firemen.

Yeah, we can wash
their dog for them.

It's got spots all over it.

Let's get ready.

Okay. You know, I really
want to wear something tonight

that I'll look
special, you know?

Such as? I don't know,

just something
that'll knock them out.

Well, I thought you were
going to wear your poodle skirt.

Yeah, and look, it's very...

Look at that! They ruined it!

The cleaners ruined it!

They knocked the
little doggie's eye out!

Calm down. Calm down.

We'll get a tiny little button,

and we'll sew it on for the eye.

What are you, crazy?

I need a rhinestone.

A poodle can't
see with a button.

What do I got? Red and white?

No, I'll look fat.

Green and red?
No, I'll look cheap.

Red and black?
No, I'll look dead.

What am I going to wear?
What am I going to wear?

Where's that sweater?
Give me that sweater.

Oh! Oh, Shirl.

What are you doing?

I am trying to find
something to wear.

I got nothing here.

All my clothes are garbage.

Look at this, I got
nothing and I got garbage.

Well that's it. I ain't going.

I'm just not gonna go out.

Why don't you simply
wear your gray skirt

with your lavender blouse, hmm?

I would have thought of
that. I would have thought of it.

That is nice, huh?

But it still ain't
something special.

I wanted...

Where is that wig that your
father sent you from Bermuda?

That wig is horrid!

It is not horrid.

And let me be the
judge of it, please?

Well, if you insist, it's in
a shoebox under the bed.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I don't have time
to wash my hair,

so I'm going to
"Quickie-Poo" it.

How does that work?

Just like the jingle.

"Hair all grungie, full of goo?

Shake in, brush
out, Quickie-Poo."

Oh, yeah. I seen that on TV.

Kukla, Fran and Ollie push it.

I don't know about this stuff.

I can't seem to get

the brush through my hair.

All right, what is it here?

Let me get it. Help me with
it. Be careful though of the...

Let go of the brush and
forget it. All right, okay.

Oh, geez, I took out
half your head here.

Oh, I didn't... I'm
old and I'm bald.

Now I'm going to have

to take a shower
and wash my hair.

We're suing that company.
We're suing Quickie-Poo,

we're suing the cleaners,

and we're Kukla, Fran and Ollie!

Sue Kukla and
Fran, but not Ollie.

Hey, Shirl. I found it.

Found what?

Turn the nozzle down.

Yeah? What do you think?

Well... how long do
you think it'll take me

to dye my hair? Are you nuts?

Well, I got to do something.

Look, it's steaming up in here.

Look at this.

How long are you gonna be there?

Well, I'm shaving my legs.

This ugly stubble
shows through my nylons.

Ugly stubble, huh?

That's what holds my nylons up.

Look at this.

All these got runners in them.

I can't even find a
decent pair of stockings

without holes or
they're all stretched out.

I got three new pair.
You can have one.

Yeah? Oh, great thanks. Yeah.

Where'd you get three new pairs?

They were giving them
away at the gas station

with ten gallons.

You get free stockings,

I get a glow-in-the-dark
snow scraper.

Shirley?

Laverne? In here, Mrs. Babish.

Oh, listen, I just
want to tell you...

I can't hear you, Mrs. Babish.

Uh, you'll have to come inside.

Oh, okay. Listen,
I just wanted to...

Hi, Mrs. Babish. Hi.

Is it raining outside?

No, I just thought
I'd go tuna fishing.

Oh. Ow.

I was out hosing
down the building,

so if a spark
hits, we'll be safe.

Oh, that's good. There's
a big fire raging out there.

Yeah. Ow. I know.

Lenny and Squiggy
told us all about it.

Oh, those two,
they're standing there

with long sticks yelling,

"Weenies, bring me weenies."

Ow. You know...

you ought to ice your
eyebrows before you do that.

No, they make my
eyeballs frozen. Oh.

♪ April love ♪

♪ Is for the very... ♪ Shirl,
we got company here, huh?

Listen, what I came
up to tell you was

that they're going to turn
the hydrant on full blast.

That means the water
pressure will drop off.

Oh, good, thanks for telling us.

Yeah. I got to go tell
the rest of the tenants.

Mrs. Babish?

What do you think, huh?

I sort of like it.

♪ April love... ♪

Did you hear that, Shirl?

Hear what? Uh, they're
going to shut the water...

What happened to the water?

Well, that's what Mrs.
Babish was saying...

Oh, no! I'm all
soapy. I need water

to rinse myself off. That's what
she was trying to tell us here.

Well, get me some
water from someplace.

Get me some water. I
can't get you some water

'cause the taps
aren't working here.

Well, do something, Laverne.

Here. Here, here, here,
here a towel. Wipe yourself off.

I don't need a
towel, I need water.

Get me water. Where
am I gonna get water?

I don't know, just get me
some water from someplace.

Don't even think about it.

Is our watchword still calm?

You can be calm,
but I got hair problems.

Did you find the stockings?

Yeah, but I can't wear them.

They all got "Earl's
Texaco" printed on 'em.

We'll have to save
those for work.

Angel Face! Oh, Angel Face!

Oh, hey listen, will
you do me a favor?

Listen, uh, this
guy drove too close

to Angelo's house and
burnt his Studebaker.

You let him use your phone?

What? Good.

Carmine, Carmine,
where are you going?

Oh, listen, I gotta
get back to Lucille,

she's distracting
all the firemen.

Okay, look, uh,
you make your call,

and you leave, everything
will be fine, okay?

All right, good,
oh, listen, uh...

uh, here... don't
wear that for an hour.

Listen, I'm sorry about
this, but I gotta call my wife.

If I'm a minute late,

she thinks I'm fooling around.

You fool around?

I'm just gonna have

to wear the stretched
out pair... oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

She fool around?

No, she does not fool around.

Carmine!

Wait a minute...

Who is that man?
What's he doing here?

Listen, I'm sorry, my car's...

Get out of here, crazy man!

Doris... Doris...

you wouldn't believe
what happened.

Ah, get out of here,
please. Carmine!

I'm gonna be a
little late, honey.

No, I'm not fooling around!

Now look, I warned you.

Come here, yup, let's go.

Ow, hot, hot! I'll
take care of this guy.

The coast is clear,
you can come out now.

Who was that man?

I swear to you, if I
knew, I would tell you.

What kind of
neighborhood is this?

Fires, crazy men...

I gotta sew an L on here.

Did you see my mascara?

No, we cleaned it off the
table, it's in the box there.

Oh, good. Oh.

Uh, did suds come
out of your hair?

No, they did not
come out of my hair.

And my scalp is all itchy,

I feel like I have
athlete's head.

My hair is never gonna dry!

Well, why don't you stick
your head in the oven.

Well, thank you very much.

No, I didn't mean stick
your head in the oven,

I mean stick your head in
the oven, it'll dry in there.

Good idea, that's
using the old noggin.

Yes, siree.

Shirl?

I got some mascara in my eye.

Would you help
me get it out, huh?

Where? In there,
in there, get it out.

No, no, it's an eyelash.

Oh, get it out,
get it out of there...

I am... there.
Get it out of there.

Oh, good, thanks.

Make a wish. I got it...

I got things to... Make a wish.

Make a wish, I got
a wish, I got a wish.

Oh, right.

On or off? Off.

Ha, you lose, sorry.

I didn't want to lose.

Well, I'll be a winner
tonight with Roy Drillick.

Me with Leon Devin.

Leon Devin.

L. D.

Shirley Devin.

Mr. and Mrs. Leon Devin.

Shirley Feeney Devin.

Mrs. Shirley Devin.

Little Baby Todd Devin.

Toddy Boy.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Toddy Boy Devin.

Here, Todd, come here, Toddy.

Come here, don't cross
that street without mama.

The fire is spreading!

One of the firemen passed
out so we took his clothes!

What do you want?

Is Shirley naked too?

No, she's in the oven.

Oh, my God!

She's cooking herself to death!

Hey, don't kill yourself, Shirl,

there'll be other fires.

I'm just trying to dry my hair,

would you get out
of here, please?

Yeah, guys, why don't
you go back to Angelo's,

watch the fire, okay?

Fire, fire.

Oh, come on Len.

It's easy to see these girls

just don't appreciate the
natural disasters of life.

Yeah.

You'll be sorry, too,
you know, cause, uh,

we're personal
friends with the firemen.

Oh, goody. Oh, yeah, we are.

They even gave us
a special nickname.

"Rubbernecks."

Just like the Marines.

Just get out of here.

Get out of here, please.

LENNY & SQUIGGY
"Fire, fire, fire.

Someone get a net.

Here come the firemen
To get the fire wet.

Pssh, go the horses,
ding goes the bell."

They really think
they're firemen, there.

Oh.

How's your hair
coming, is it dry?

Yes, almost, the
oven was a good idea.

Well, good.

I'm almost about sewed up here,

and I'll be dressed in a flash.

And not a minute too soon.

Yeah, I think we're
gonna make it.

What? What?

Aww.

Ahh!

Okay. Oh.

Oh. Okay.

We have another watchword.

Panic.

We're never gonna
make it in ten minutes.

Do you have my pearls?

Yes. Give me my pearls.

Ow, ow, ow.

How about these earrings, huh?

No, green with purple?

How about these, huh?

No, they're ugly.

How about these, huh? No.

Well, they're the
only ones I got, Shirl!

They're fabulous! Okay.

They're sensational!
Wearing these.

Do you have my Ten
Commandment bracelet?

Ten Commandments
bracelet coming up.

Okay.

Good? Darn it.

"Thou Shalt Not Kill" is
missing, I can't wear that!

Little shoes on.

Laverne?

Hmm? What are you doing?

I'm scuffing up the
bottom of my new shoes

so I don't fall and
make a fool of myself.

Oh, yeah.

Like last time.

I never did get a
piece of that cake.

Perfume.

Perfume, I need some perfume.

Perfume. Thank you.

Where's my rouge?
Where's my rouge?

I don't have it.

I got it.

Little cleavage,
little cleavage. Mine.

Little cleavage there we go.

Okay, nails, nails.

Watch out for the glass!

We got to nail that rug down.

Oh, darn, this blue
doesn't go with my dress.

Can you put my
stuff in your purse?

I can't, what do you got?

Come on... I got, uh,

some playing cards, I
got a notebook and pencil,

I got a folding
comb, I got a nail file,

I got an emergency phone
dime cents and a handkerchief,

that's it.

Why don't you just pack a trunk?

Oh, come on, Laverne.

No, I can't, I got
my lucky doll,

I got my Kiwi shoe polish,
and I got my compact.

I'm all set for the
weekend here.

You, well, don't you
have a pocket in this skirt...

No, no, that's my poodle skirt.

Oh, no.

What? What? Oh, no.

You got lint all over you.

No, I don't have lint...

Yes... Get it off of me!

Get the lint off.

Get something, get
some scotch tape.

Get it, quick.

Come on, get it off,

I don't want to have
fuzz balls all over me.

All right, all right.

He'll put his arm around me,

and feel these
little bumpy things.

Come on, get it... Ow!

Ow!

There.

Is it off? Is it off? Yes, yes.

Okay, okay.

Look I'm sorry.

Okay. Does my bald spot show?

No, no, you ratted
your hair over it great.

Okay, good.

How do I look? Terrific. Me?

Right back at you, we
both look sensational.

We made it.

We're early.

Yeah.

Well... No, no, you'll wrinkle.

What do you want to do?

Let's stand by our
coats, and look alluring.

How, how do you look alluring?

Well... just sort of...

Who's gonna answer the door?

When they knock, we'll just
say, "Come in gentlemen."

Come out! Come out!

The children! The little babies!

What? What happened?

What happened to the fire?

Oh, they put that out.

Well, what's all this
about the children, then?

We're going to turn
the hydrant on again

for the kids to play in.

Yeah, they look so cute
when they take their clothes off.

Okay, let her rip!

Oh...

How do you suppose
they get all that water

into those tiny
little hydrants, huh?

Ladies?

It's us, Leon and Roy. Ah.

Hey, you all set to go?

Good night, Leon,
good night again.

Bye, Roy, thanks for everything.

Sorry about the wet. Yeah.

Bye-bye, see you soon. Bye.

Good night. Bye.

Oh, Leon Devin.

Roy Drillick.

Jerks.

Well, good night, Larry.

We had a... we
had a real nice time.

Yeah, we sure did, Barry.

Thank you. Thank you again.

Hey, we'll see you
at work tomorrow.

Yeah. Maybe we could
have lunch together.

Good night. Good night.

Oh. Oh.

That was a real
nice night, you know?

Sure was. Uh...

you gonna write about it
in your little diary there?

Yeah, I think I will,

while it's still
fresh in my mind.

Okay.

I'm sort of bushed, so
I'm gonna go to sleep.

Good night. Good night.

Dear Diary, it turns out

that all the guys we meet
at work are not jerks after all.

Period.

Tonight, Laverne and I
went out with Barry and Larry

from the hops department.

We went to dinner and a movie.

The evening probably
cost them a pretty penny,

but they didn't expect anything
more than a goodnight kiss.

Just as well, because I
had onions on my steak.

Laverne ate her
steak with a salad fork.

Underline salad.

But no one noticed.

Actually, I was very
proud of Laverne,

as we both know she
usually goes too far.

I guess I've been a
good influence on her.

Tonight we both were able
to keep our self-respect.

Okay, Laverne, I saw
that, get him out of there!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪