Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 17 - Buddy Can You Spare a Father? - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Why do we have
to clean this place?

Your father didn't say
he was coming for sure.

He'll be here.

Eh... I hate housework.

I hope to marry a maid.

Hello. LAVERNE: Hello.

Hello.

I'm Phil Franklin

from the Forest Pfister
Mortuary and Funeral Park.

Is there a Miss
Shirley Feeney here?

I'm Shirley Feeney.

Is there something the matter?

Oh, no!

Oh. Oh, no, no, no,

I'm from the
financial department.

Oh, oh. Oh.

Maybe you've heard of us.

Yes, I've sat on your
ads at the bus stop.

You see, your
father was in today.

He wanted to sell your plot.

Oh... Yeah, but I'll need
your signature and consent.

My father's here!

I told you he was coming.

I'm so glad for you!

Oh, where do I sign?

Wait a minute.

You're not going to sign
your funeral plot away.

Why? I'm not using it.

It's still land.

How much land can
that be, Laverne?

Six-by-six?

He probably needs
the cash, anyway.

Yeah, but you know what
he does with the cash.

So he likes to make
investments, so what?

A lot of people
make investments.

Shirley, the daily double
is not an investment.

Just what are you saying
in front of a stranger,

in front of a total stranger?

Nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing.

He's your father; he should
have the cash. That's right.

Uh, excuse me, just how
much cash is he going to get?

Oh, $50.50 bucks!

We could go to the
moon with that, Shirl.

It's just money.

All right, where do
I sign, Mr. Franklin?

Right here. Okay, thanks.

Well, there you go.

All right, I'll proceed
with the check,

Miss Feeney. Okay, good.

Mr. Franklin, I haven't seen
my father in about a year.

How does he look?
Does he look well?

Oh, well I'm the wrong
person to ask, Miss Feeney.

You see, to me, the
living all look alike.

Where do you want this, Shirl?

Place it anywhere.

Put it here.

I'm looking for a
phonograph record

that my father sent me.

So I'm finally going to
get to meet Mr. Feeney.

You sure are, Mrs. Babish,

and are you going to love him.

Look, here's a
picture he sent me

when he was in Samoa
in the Merchant Marines.

Oh, was he handsome.

Does he always
wear a loin cloth?

That's the Samoan chief.

My father's the one
sitting on the pig.

Oh, here it is! Here's
my phonograph record!

It looks a little warped.

Yes. Well, he sent it
to me from the equator.

Come on, it's just
a few more steps!

Stop crying like a baby! Geez!

Oh, my arms are hurting here.

Oh, geez, there.

Thanks.

Boy, I sure hope your
father loves this dinner.

I almost died for it.

What happened?

Well, they were having
a one-cent sale on sugar.

Every fat person in
Milwaukee showed up.

Hey, did you get our groceries?

Oh, did I get our groceries.

I got us a good bargain
on them, too. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they had
this big sale over at

the damaged food department,

so I got week-old
bread. Oh, great.

I got some bent peaches, there.

Oh, I love them,
yeah. They're good.

And look at all these
spare chicken parts here.

Got... got, uh, beaks
and talons in this one,

and a whole pint of cartilage.

Oh, yeah, that's supposed
to be a great aphrodisiac.

You bet.

Say, we didn't tell you
girls, but, uh, Lenny and I are

expecting a couple of...

cuties for supper tonight.

Pair of bubbly
assistant manicurists.

Mm-hmm.

We'll show them what
an ingrown toenail is.

Uh, guys, why
don't you go upstairs

and start boiling
your beaks, huh?

You got to marinate them first.

Yeah. And don't be
bothering us every minute!

We just want to settle down

to a nice fingernail orgy.

Don't ever go shopping with him.

He made me push him in the cart,

while he yelled
"Whee, whee, whee!"

I'm gonna go and start
making Daddy dinner.

Okay.

Her dad must be wonderful.

She sure loves him.

Yeah, she sure does.

Why are you so sad?

Ah, I always get sad when
her father comes into town.

You feel left out, huh?

No.

It's just that she always
winds up getting sad.

I mean, he blows into
town once or twice a year,

smiles a lot, borrows
money from everyone,

and then disappears.

Doesn't spend any time with her.

That's Carmine. I'll get it.

♪ It's only me from over the
sea, Jack Feeney, the sailor! ♪

Hey!

Look at this!

There's the second most
beautiful girl in the world,

and there's number one!

Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy!

Pumpkin!

Hey, you're still your Daddy's

tiny little teacup,
huh? Yes, I am.

Hey, baby, got a
surprise for you.

What is it? When I
stopped to pick up

that check at Forest
Pfister cemetery... Mm-hmm.

Well, I picked up this
for you, too, honey.

Look at that.

Oh, a black wreath.

Gee, Daddy, thank you.

Ah, that's nothing, honey.

And I didn't forget
little Laverne neither!

There you go, kid.

How about that?

The old boy they
buried will never miss it.

A lily... you
thought of me, too.

I always think of you.

Don't I owe you five bucks?

Hey, that's pretty good.

That was, what,
four years ago, huh?

Jack Feeney never
forgets, honey.

He never pays,
but he never forgets.

And who is this beautiful lady?

Daddy, this is Mrs. Babish.

Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Babish.

Edna.

Forgive me for staring, Edna,

but those deep, blue eyes of
yours remind me of the sea.

You married?

I'm a widow.

Good.

You know something, Edna?

A woman is like the sea.

A widow is like the sea.

Everything is like the sea.

All this talk is
making me seasick.

Daddy, you're early.

I didn't get a chance to
fix dinner or get dressed up

or clean the place or anything.

Ah, honey, I just couldn't
wait to see my little Shirley.

You know, I always
hated that name.

Yeah, that was her mother's
idea, may she rest in peace.

Daddy, Mother isn't dead.

Yeah.

Well, pumpkin, I got
to shove off for a while.

Shove off? Yep.

You just got here! Don't leave!

Don't go! Just a minute, honey.

I'll be back for chow,
baby, don't worry.

Oh.

Oh, hey, by the way,

you know that, uh,
that Pfister guy? Yeah.

Well, he made a kind of little
mistake on your check, honey.

Oh, what did he do?

Well, you see, he made
it out to you, dear. Oh.

So, could you sign
it over to me, honey?

Oh, sure.

Attagirl.

I got big plans for that
money, baby, you'll see.

There you go.

Thank you, dear.

By gosh, you know, you got
a cute little signature there.

You know what
that reminds me of?

The sea?

Right.

Well, I'll be back
in a jiffy honey.

Look, I'll run down,
cash this check

and get us a nice
bottle of French wine.

Oh... Wait a minute.

Look at that.

I missed the bank.

Got a couple of
extra bucks on you?

Wait, maybe I got...
What am I doing?

I knew I liked you right
from the start, Edna.

Thanks, sweetheart.

This cements our friendship.

You know... you know
Jack Feeney's motto, girls:

Everyone I know, I owe.

Hey.

See you later, baby. Okay.

Bye, Daddy.

Isn't he terrific?

Isn't he wonderful?

I mean, he's so full of life.

Yeah, he's full
of it, all right.

He's three hours late already.

You really think
he's gonna show?

He probably got
stuck in traffic.

Without a car?

Pedestrians have
trouble, too, you know.

You gonna go now?

Yeah.

Listen, I only told my father
I would help him out tonight,

because I thought you wanted
to be alone with your father.

Since your father's not here,
I'll call my father and tell him

I'm just not gonna come
tonight. Calm down.

There's no reason for
you to stay, all right?

Looks real nice.

You used my lily.

Yeah.

Why are you wearing your jeans?

Oh, 'cause, uh, it's
real cold outside,

and I couldn't find a
clean pair of stockings.

What are you drinking there?

Cooking sherry.

It's an old family tradition.

Since when?

Since 5:00.

Traditions have to begin
somewhere, don't they?

Shirl, what do you
say I call my Pop,

I'll tell him I can't come in.

Will you just go
help your father.

I'm going, I'm going.

Go help your father.

Gee.

Wish I was gonna
help somebody's father.

That's it!

You're coming with me.

You're going down
to the pizza shop.

I'm not gonna let you
stay here all by yourself.

How long have you known me,

and you don't know
my sense of humor yet?

I was just joking!

My father's out there
somewhere, on his way here.

You know, he's
probably confused.

He travels a lot, Laverne.

He probably thinks he's
in another time zone.

Will you come off it, Shirl.

Who are you talking to?

It's me, Laverne, your friend.

I hate to see you this way.

He does it to you every time.

He gets your hopes up,
you make a whole dinner,

you stuff a cabbage,
and then he lets you down.

Does this look like a face
that has been let down?

No, no!

This is a happy
face, a smiling face,

a face that wants to have
dinner alone with her father.

Now, will you go on?

Just go.

Go. Okay.

♪ You're the end
of the rainbow ♪

♪ My pot of gold ♪

♪ You're daddy's little girl ♪

♪ To have and hold ♪

♪ A precious gem
is what you are ♪

♪ You're mommy's bright ♪

♪ And shining star ♪

♪ You're the spirit
of Christmas ♪

♪ The star on the tree ♪

♪ The Easter bunny
to mommy and me ♪

♪ You're sugar and spice ♪

♪ You're everything nice ♪

♪ And you're
daddy's little girl. ♪

P.U.!

Whew!

Say, you got any spare
nail polish remover?

Those manicurists up
there are going crazy!

Are you boys
having fun up there?

Yeah, if you can call it fun.

We see it more as
a duty to womankind.

What do I do, stick
my finger in here?

No, no, no, no.
Here, give it to me.

Aw, gee.

Hey, where's your old man?

What's the matter,
he didn't show?

Oh, come on, don't cry.

If you rub hard, it'll come off.

He didn't come!

Laverne said he wouldn't
come and he didn't come.

Aw... come... aw, aw, hey, hey.

Come on... hey, come on,

come on, shut off them
waterworks, all right?

I mean, listen, so
he didn't come, listen,

all fathers are crummy that way.

My stepfather, he used
to lock me in a closet.

Oh, well, that's terrible.

Yeah, my only friends
were the little moths.

Well, my father
always does this.

He never spends any
time with me, never.

Why wouldn't he want
to spend time with me?

I just don't understand it.

Maybe he hates you.

I mean, maybe, maybe,

maybe he thinks
you're no fun, you know?

I'm fun!

You know I'm fun.
Okay, you're fun.

You're the first
one to say I'm fun.

Don't you say I'm
fun? Yeah, you're fun.

I am fun! I know.

He's just not around
enough to know it, that's all.

Well, then maybe you
ought to go somewhere

where you can show it to
him in person, you know?

I mean, uh, only a
fool is fun in private.

Let's see, where does
he hang out? I don't know.

Uh... He hangs out with sailors.

Sailors, that's a lot of help.

Down at the docks.

The docks...
Bars... Name places.

Well, I don't know.

He plays cards at
Moby Dominick's.

What you should do, Shirl,

is you should go down there,

you should have a
couple of stiff belts,

and then you should, uh...

have some fun with
your old man, you know?

Yes, that's right,
that's right, I mean,

if Mohammed won't
go to the mountain,

then take the old mountain
to Mohammed, right?

Yeah, sure, sure, take
the mountain to him.

And, and, say, Shirl... Yeah?

It's a very dangerous
neighborhood. Uh-huh.

So I wouldn't go
alone, you know, uh...

I'd go with some kind of
escort, you know? Okay, okay.

You need protection;
somebody strong. All right. Okay.

Maybe you could pick
up a tough guy on the bus.

Go out there and have
fun with your old man.

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

He always does that to me.

Now this is a fun hat.

Ya drunken bum!

And the next time you
leave without your crutches!

This time, I'll be nice.

Excuse me.

Look, I don't want
any missionaries

annoying my customers.

Oh, you... I
see... no, no, uh...

I don't think you understand.

I'm looking for my father.

Well, who isn't?

Now what do you want?

I'll have a... cooking
sherry, straight up.

Do you mind if I
take a look around?

Could I have a little
look-see around?

Thank you.

I'm looking for
Mr. Feeney, my father.

Well, he ain't your father.

Oh, I know that; I'm very sorry.

Excuse me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, not so fast.

Come over here. Huh?

I'll be your father. Oh!

Have a drink.

Oh, no, thank you; I have
a cooking sherry coming.

I can't believe that Squiggy

let her come down
here all by herself.

Hey, honey!

Sardine sandwich
and hold the eyes.

Ooh!

Would you give me my coat back?

He thinks I'm a waitress here.

All right, but this is no place
to be wearing a mambo shirt.

Oh... thanks for coming here.

Oh, there she is; there she is.

Shirl... Oh!

What are you doing?

Why'd you come down here alone?

Oh, I'm, uh, waiting to
have cocktails with Daddy.

Uh... these are, uh...
two of my new friends.

Uh, this is Louie... and, uh...

this is, uh... Born to Kill.

This is Laverne and Carmine.

Uh, a couple of
real cuties there.

Uh, if you don't mind,

Shirley's going to sit with
some of her old friends.

Oh, I'll be fine,
I just wanna...

Did you hear that, Carmine?

She's going to be
fine, perfectly fine,

so I guess we should go home.

Nice to meet you,
Lou, Mr. Kill... come on.

You know, uh, maybe
I'll join my friends.

It might be fun to reminisce.

You want to reminisce, honey?

I'll give you
something to reminisce.

Oh! Wait a minute!

Hey! She said she
wants to get up.

Sit down, will ya?

Hey, ruffles, get
your hands off me!

Smack him, Louie...
You can take him.

You want to try
it, whale blubber?

Carmine, Carmine...

Gentlemen...
gentlemen, please...

Lou, Lou, where are
you going, Lou, Lou...!

Who are you calling
whale blubber?

The only guy around here
that looks like whale blubber...

You, you blimp!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, come on,

get up here... Get
up and out of the way.

Where are we going?

Hit him!

Hey, that's a pretty
good cut you got there.

Oh, you like that,
huh? Yeah. Watch this.

Can I have my sandwich?

You okay, Carmine?

He's eating my hat!

Carmine, he's got a bottle!

Hey you, sissy.

Who you calling a sissy?

Laverne, he means me.

Where do you think you're going?

Stop eating my hat!

Not my hat!

Where are you going?

Oh, get back here!

My fan! My fan!

Get down, will you?

Oh! Daddy!

Pumpkin!

I hit my father!

You okay, Carmine?

Here's a... a couple
of your ruffles there.

Oh, thanks. Hey,
you did pretty good.

You okay? I didn't
break a rib, did I?

No, honey, don't
worry, will you?

I love a good
brawl; it's my hobby.

Send down a beer!

Oh, uh, Ted...

Yeah, I know, Feeney...
Put it on your tab.

Come here. How about you, kid?

How do you feel?

I feel great.

I feel just wonderful.

See? This is what
I always wanted.

For us to do fun
things together.

Sit down here. Now listen.

Now look, honey,

I'm just too old to be
a... well, to be a sidekick.

Now, look, we had a great brawl,

but we're never going to
be Popeye and Sweet Pea.

Yeah, it was a great
brawl, wasn't it?

Fun fight.

But Daddy... why didn't
you come to dinner?

I stuffed cabbage, I
got all dressed up...

I know, honey.

And you look just
beautiful, too, kid.

You know, it's a good
thing you favor me...

Except for that little dimple...

You got that from
your mother's thigh.

Daddy, I got to
tell you something.

I used to sleep with everything

you ever sent me
underneath my pillow.

All the postcards,
and the shark fins,

and those little tiny shells...

It was painful.

Daddy, I know you love me...

but... you've been
standing me up

since I was nine years old.

I wanted to come see you
winners instead of losers.

I always feel kind of ashamed
when I got nothing in my pocket.

I wanted you to be
proud of me, pumpkin.

Daddy, I am proud of you.

I am.

And I don't care if you
don't have any money,

'cause nobody I
know has any money.

All I want to do is
be with you, that's all,

just spend time with you.

I know you're not perfect.

If you were perfect,

I'd be tall with a better body.

Don't you see, Daddy?

I miss being with you.

Here, lookit here.

You see, honey...

you're always with me, kid.

Aw, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy.

Aw, pumpkin...
Hey, that's not bad.

Five bucks says you
can't pin him again.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute... Make it ten.

An extra five for
my little girl here.

Hey, can you loan your
old man ten bucks, honey?

♪ You're the end
of the rainbow ♪

♪ My pot o' gold ♪

♪ You're daddy's little girl ♪

♪ To have and hold ♪

♪ A precious gem
is what you are ♪

♪ You're mommy's bright ♪

♪ And shining star ♪

♪ You're the spirit
of Christmas ♪

♪ The star on the tree ♪

♪ The Easter bunny
to mommy and me ♪

♪ You're sugar, you're spice ♪

♪ You're everything nice ♪

♪ And you're
daddy's little girl. ♪

Pass the hat, baby.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪