Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 1 - Drive! She Said - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Well, Shirl, here she is.

Ain't she a beaut?

Oh, Carmine, it's
my dream come true.

How do we look together?

Beautiful, great.

Now don't worry, you're
getting a great deal.

Yeah, Lucille treated
this baby like gold.

About how much does
Lucille want for this baby?

Two hundred bucks.
Two hundred bucks?!

Can I beat her down?

How far down? $119.37.

It's all I got.

Oh, I don't know,

she already got a firm offer,

I mean, she's giving you
first crack just as a favor to me.

Oh, I could just picture
myself behind the wheel.

Well, go ahead. Really?

Sure, come on. Oh, yes?

Hop right in, here. Oh.

Oh, Carmine,

do you know how long
I've wanted my own car?

How long?

Ever since the bus driver
slammed the door on my lips.

Yeah, and this is the
original paint job, too.

And take my word for it,

this baby drives like a dream.

You've ridden in this car?

Well, yeah, a few times,

after I give Lucille her
dance lesson, we, uh...

Oh, I see.

Oh, Carmine.

I'm ready for another lesson.

Don't keep me
waiting, brown eyes.

Lucille's gonna help me

with my, uh, singing career.

Oh, really?

How?

She's gonna buy me a piano.

Hi, Mrs. Liederhaus.

Hi!

Sorry.

Don't do that, huh?

Come on, you almost

scared the wits out of me there.

Do I have a surprise for you!

Yeah?

Well, I got a surprise for you.

I bought a new sweater.

My surprise is much bigger
than that, much bigger!

Well, it's not just a sweater,

it's a whole new outfit.

Oh, my surprise is
bigger than an outfit.

Laverne, less than two
hours ago, I bought a car.

I got shoes, too.

A car? Yes!

You bought a car? Yes!

You finally did it, huh? Yes!

Well, congratulations.

Uh, well, no wonder you
were so excited, there.

I just had...

uh, well, let's go
for a spin, huh?

Not yet. Why not?

Come on, this is a
big moment, here.

Hey, let's drive down
to that gas station

where that really
cute guy works, huh?

We'll have him
rotate your tires.

Well, he... he
can't exactly yet.

Why not? He's cute.

Well, no, you see, uh,

the car isn't exactly mine yet.

You just said you bought it.

Well, not exactly.

Is there anything about
this car that's exactly?

It's exactly $200.

Ooo-hoo, whoo.

Oh, I only spent $11.95
on my whole outfit.

You don't have
that kind of money.

I know.

Where are you going to get it?

Oh, no!

No! Come on, Laverne, please.

Please, I looked all
over for a cheaper car,

I couldn't find one.

You're really putting
me on the spot here.

It's just a little tiny loan.

Yeah, but it would take
forever to pay me back.

I mean, you make
the same as I do,

plus you're still paying
off on that dental work...

Yeah, well, two more fillings,

and I own this mouth outright.

You're talking about

all the money I have
in the world, here.

You're taking advantage
and it's just not fair.

Okay.

All right, I've
got a better plan.

Now listen to this.

It won't be a loan,

and I don't have
to pay you back.

It's not a better plan.

No, you see,

you go in halvsies
with me, and it's our car.

Our car!

Our car!

Shirl. Please, please.

You know how I feel about that.

We could paint
an "L" on the hood.

Look, we talked
about this before.

I can't buy a car
and you know why.

That's so silly,
that's a silly thing...

Would you just stop it.

Just drop it, just let
a sleeping dog eat.

I'm going to go in and
hang up my... shoes.

I should have let her
show me the outfit first,

then I should
have snuck up on...

Hey, the Big Ragu is here!

Don't do that to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, angel face.

Look, we're still
holding the car for you,

What do you want us to do?

Lucille's bugging me for
the dough. Can you stall her?

Oh, I don't know, man,

she's an impatient woman.

Especially when she
wants to buy me things.

Aw, well...

you better tell
her the deal's off,

I can't buy the car.

What happened?

Oh, Laverne won't
go in halvsies with me.

Why not?

Oh, it's a secret,
I can't tell you.

Secret?

Yeah.

What kind of secret?

It's just something
silly, and I can't tell you.

She ain't got the
hundred bucks, huh?

No, it's nothing like that...

Now, if I tell you,

you must swear you
won't laugh too loud

'cause she's right
in the bedroom

and I don't want
her to hear, okay?

All right.

Laverne is afraid to drive.

What did I just hear here?

You're afraid to drive!

Oh, thanks a lot, thanks a lot!

It just sort of slipped out.

Yeah? How would you
like to slip right through this?

That's very classy
in front of company.

Where are you going?

I got to go teach dance class.

Mambo for the elderly.

Ha. Good-bye.

You see there? You see there?

You, you made that poor
boy leave here out of fear.

Don't yell at me
when I'm yelling at you,

Miss... Miss Motor
Mouth, telling my secret.

So what if I told
your silly secret?

I can't help it if
I'm afraid to drive.

And I just don't want
everyone to know, okay?

Think about this,
Laverne? Not okay.

Think about it, you're
an adult woman,

you shouldn't
be afraid to drive.

Shh! What? Why?

You're afraid the whole
neighborhood's gonna hear?

Maybe I ought to shout it out

to the whole neighborhood,

then you'd get
embarrassed enough,

and you might at
least try to drive.

You wouldn't. I would.

You wouldn't do that. I would!

Actually, I think I will.

Laverne DeFazio
is afraid to drive!

Oh.

Oh.

How do you like
them apples, sister?

Shirley Feeney's middle
name is Wilhelmina.

No!

Laverne DeFazio
went to the junior prom

with her cousin, Vito.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Shirley Feeney
stuffs socks in her bra!

You're lying! You so do.

You're lying.

Cut it out with the yelling.

What's going on
down here? Stop it!

Lenny and I have two very
respectful women upstairs,

and we would like to settle down

to a nice, quiet orgy.

I am sorry,

I guess we sort of
flew off the handle.

Yeah, well, that's more like it.

She started it.

I did not, you started
it... You did so.

Will you just keep it down?

This guy has a headache, here!

Stop it, I'm gong
to lose my lust!

Uh, look, uh,

would you two playboys
please go home, huh?

Oh, so now we're playboys.

Yeah. Are we, huh?

Well, at least we
know how to drive.

Yeah, how about that, Laverne?

You're always making
fun of us, well, we drive.

We drive trucks.

Nineteen-wheelers.

Eighteen-wheelers.

I was counting the spare.

Hey, how come you're
afraid to drive, Laverne, huh?

I don't know,

I've just always
been afraid to drive,

like some people are
afraid of high places, or,

or swimming, or elevators...

Lenny's got all of those.

Then you understand, right?

No, anybody that's afraid
to drive is just chicken.

Yeah, it's unnatural.

Get out of here.

I'm so ashamed.

Airing our dirty
linen in public.

They don't hear Wilhelmina,
they don't hear you stuff socks,

all they hear is I can't drive.

Look.

Just forget about the car,

I won't say another
word about it.

Lenny and Squiggy
can drive trucks,

they think they're
better than me. What?

What are you mumbling about?

Everybody can drive but me.

All you have to do,
is loan me the money,

I buy the car,

and I teach you how to drive.

You think you could
teach me how to drive?

In a second.

I've never even
been behind a wheel.

Ha, oh, that doesn't matter.

I can teach anybody
how to drive.

I taught both my
cousins how to drive.

Mickey and Mikey? That's right.

And they were more
scared than you, believe me.

Yeah, but what if I can't.

You'll learn like that.

What if I can't like... that.

Then I'll sell the car,

and I'll give you your
half of the money back.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's a deal.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, don't yell.

Laverne DeFazio's got guts!

Shirley Feeney don't
stuff socks in her bra.

Anymore!

Now, you see, your trouble is

you're afraid to get
behind the wheel.

What I do is I re-create the
entire car for you right here.

This is your wheel.

And this is your gearshift.

You want me to shift a banana?

Just don't, don't
interrupt me, please.

Now, you see the little numbers
here with the arrows pointing?

Well, that's first,
second and third.

Now, we get to reverse later on.

Okay. Now, you
see this corn? Yeah.

This corn is your clutch.

Now, you step down on
the corn to change gears.

Right. Step on corn
to change banana.

Right.

Now, you see these beans?

These beans are your brake.

Now, you hit the beans
when you want to stop.

Now, you see the peaches?

The peaches are your gas.

Now, you punch down on the
peaches when you want more gas.

Shouldn't we use
the beans for gas?

Don't do that.

Okay, now,

the most important
thing to remember...

And I want you to
remember this, Laverne...

Is to always coordinate
your corn and your banana.

Got it.

Okay, let's try.

All right, now,
don't be nervous.

We're just gonna go a
little ways up the street,

just up to the lamp post, okay?

All right.

Now, let's go.

Depress your corn
and shift your banana.

Now, ease up on the corn,

while you depress your peaches.

Your... No, your peaches.

Your peaches!

Your peaches!
No, the wrong foot!

No, not corn and beans!

Never corn and
beans at the same time!

Never corn and beans
at the same time, no!

Right, you get succotash.

Where you going?

I'll be back when you're serious

and want to
coordinate your corn.

Are you ready to be serious now?

Yes, I'm serious.

Good. Now, push
down on your corn.

Get your foot off the beans!

Okay. Okay.

Let's go.

Go where?

We're just gonna go
up the street a little

like we practiced right
up to the telephone pole.

Okay.

It started, it
started. Don't gun it!

All right, watch it, now.

Too fast! No!

I'm sorry. Just go slow.

Watch where you're going.

Stop swerving. Your
swer... Let go of this.

All right.

Hey, look. There's Laverne.

She's driving a car!

Hey, Laverne, watch it!

Hi, fellas.

All right, you're on the curb.

Get off the curb.

That's good, it's good peaches,

You got good corn going for you.

Hey, you're gonna
hit the boxes! Oh!

Right-hand turn. What?!

Get away, get away! Go away!

Please go away! Okay.

Get away!

Go away!

No! Keep your eyes on the road!

Don't turn around! Go away!

Keep your eyes
straight ahead, please.

Leave me alone! We're
by a church now, all right.

Let's just make
a right-hand turn.

Right-hand turn, give
me the signal, that's it.

Get away! Go away!

Watch out for that car!

I almost hit him!

Not backwards, not
backwards, go forward.

Go forward.

Don't turn so wide, okay?

Remember your peaches.

Look out for the nun!

♪ ♪

I don't believe this, I
just don't believe this.

Look, will you please...

I'm sorry about all this, huh?

How could you do
this to me, Norman?

I mean, we have
dated five times.

You even let me
play with your siren.

Shh!

Come on, Laverne, huh?

You could have been my
New Year's Eve date, but no...

Look, Laverne, I had
to give you a ticket,

you drove over my foot!

I mean, it's a good thing
I wasn't tying my shoe.

Another cop would have
thrown the book at you, Laverne.

Look, Laverne, I'm sorry
about this, but I'm supposed

to give a ticket whenever
somebody runs over me.

"Parking on a lawn jockey.

"Illegal turn into voting booth.

Endangering Cub Scouts."

Yeah, good thing those
little guys can run, huh?

Norman,

are you giving me
this ticket just because

I wouldn't go to Pistol
Orientation with you?

Huh? Is that the reason?

Laverne...

Laverne, I'm an officer
of the law, Laverne.

You know, I'm sworn
to uphold justice,

regardless of my
personal feelings.

And you stand there and you
ask me if I'm giving you a ticket

because you wouldn't go
to Pistol Orientation with me.

Yeah, I was the only
cop there without a girl.

I knew I should have gone
with him, I knew I should have.

Norman, is there
anything we can do

about this ticket here, huh?

Yeah, Laverne, you
can pay the fine, okay?

Norman... I'll pay the fine.

Thanks, I'll pay
you back, I promise.

On our next date?

Yeah.

Great!

Got a little headache?

No, I'm practicing to play
Pin the Tail on the Donkey!

Gee, I'm sorry I drove so bad.

Oh, forget it,
it's not your fault.

You really mean that?

I have this strange view
of the world, Laverne.

I see my Uncle Phil, a
79-year-old toothless man

driving around, and I think
you can do the same thing.

Well, it was only
my first lesson.

Oh, forget it, I'm
not blaming you.

Listen, you were
right in the first place.

You are not meant to drive.

Wasn't my idea, you know.

Oh, listen, I take full
responsibility for it.

Boy, I'm gonna sell the car,
apologize to the neighborhood,

and try and forget
the whole thing.

You're gonna sell the car?

What else can I do?

What a fool I've made of myself,

bragging I could
teach you how to drive.

Oh, boy, what a jerk I am.

Now, if you still
want to sell the car,

call this number and I'm
sure the guy will give you

full price for
the car, all right?

Okay, thanks, Carmine.

Come on, cheer up, angel face.

You'll get another
car some other day.

Maybe.

Look, hey, I'm sorry
Laverne's driving

didn't work out, so what?!

Where is she, anyways?

Oh, who knows?

She doesn't talk to me anymore.

All she does is come home
and then rush right back out.

Hey, maybe she
got a new boyfriend.

No, she always tells me
when she gets a new boyfriend.

Well, look, don't worry, huh?

Things will work out.

Hey, that's a great
step I haven't tried.

Whoa!

Are you gonna talk to me tonight

or am I gonna spend another
evening with the whistler?

No, I think I got a few things

to talk to you about.

Guess you been
wondering where I been

these last couple
of nights, huh?

Yes.

Well, I've just been out
getting one of these here things.

A temporary driver's license!

Yeah.

Oh! What, when, why?!

I found the perfect teacher.

Who? My father.

He was so proud, he
was jumping for joy.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

What? What?

Uh, I parked with the
wheels away from the curb.

The car almost
rolled down the hill.

Oh, oh.

I left the keys in the car.

You shouldn't do that.

I know. That's
very bad, Laverne.

What's he doing?

What's that he's doing?

Oh, uh, I didn't put
the parking brake on.

I was supposed to.

Uh, thanks, Pop.

I'm sorry, but thank
you for all your help

these last three nights.

It really was terrific.

Yeah. Things happen like that.

That's funny.

You notice?

We're getting
along a lot better.

I never understand
a word the man says;

how can I notice
a thing like that?

Doesn't matter.

I got a driver's license.

We get to keep the car!
We get to keep the car!

We're partners! Oh!

Did I tell you I got a
hundred percent on the test,

a hundred percent? That's great.

Oh, you should have
been there, Shirl.

You would have been so proud.

I mean, I was so...

Well, at first, I
was so nervous.

I mean, I was so nervous,
I was sweating bullets.

And then, I don't
know what happened.

I got behind the wheel,
and all of a sudden,

I overcame my fear.

I mean, I just did it.

I did it.

Want coffee?

You see?

You were so
frightened of your father

that you overcame
your fear of the car.

You're telling me.

He scared the heck out of me.

See, with you, I never had
that fear that any minute

you might take off your belt
and smack me one, you know?

I would have if you'd asked me.

All you had to do was ask me.

Why would I ask a person
to do a thing like that?

What, are you crazy?

Don't you see, Laverne?

Way down deep in my heart,

I wanted to be the
one to help you.

Well, you are.

I mean, who do you
think got me into this?

Me?

That's right.

You're the only one who can
get me to do things I don't want to.

I can? I can do that?

Sure.

Why can't I get you to clean out

from underneath
the refrigerator?

'Cause that's a disgusting job.

Who wants to do
a disgusting job?

I got a driver's license.

Laverne, we get to keep the car!

Let's go for a ride. Great!

♪ ♪

Dear Diary, a car
is the greatest thing

that ever happened to me
since last November 4th.

And you know what I mean.

When I drove to
the brewery today,

I felt like an executive.

I didn't even mind it
when Laverne stood up

on the front seat and yelled,
"Eat your hearts out, suckers!"

Tomorrow, Laverne
drives to work.

I'm scared to death.

How can you trust somebody
who drinks milk and Pepsi?

I never realized
till we got this car

just how clumsy
Laverne really is.

She's like an accident
looking for a place to happen.

Oh...

What is it?

Nothing, I just got to erase
a little something I wrote.

Let me see it.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪