Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 15 - Mother Knows Worst - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( humming)
Come on.
( humming continues)
Don't force it. Pull it.
( humming)
Shirl, we just got
to get a new lock.
With our new raise, you
get yourself a new lock,
you get yourself a new door,
you get yourself
anything you want.
I've got decorating
plans for this place...
Wait! Come in for a landing.
Our raise is only for
five cents an hour.
That's only two, uh...
two more dollars a week.
After a year, it adds up.
( knocking)
Adds up to what?
$104. Count 'em.
Uh, that means we could
go to, what? 52 movies.
Right. Who is it?
WOMAN: It's your
landlady, Mrs. Havenwurst.
( whispering): What do
you suppose she wants?
I don't know,
but I don't like to talk to her.
She always wants to
read my palm or scalp
or contact my dead relatives.
I think she's spooky.
Oh, she's just mystical.
Hi, Mrs. Havenwurst.
Oh, Shirley, I have
a telegram for you.
You weren't home, so
the man gave it to me.
Oh, dear me! I hope
it's not bad news.
Oh, don't worry.
I have a feeling it's
really very good news.
She opened it.
No, no, it's just
my psychic abilities.
Oh, I've got to run now, girls.
My phone's about to ring.
( hums eerie melody)
Here, Laverne.
You open it; read it to me.
Telegrams make me very nervous.
All right, I can take it.
Who's dead?
No.
Your mother's flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
No kidding! Tell me, is
she going to stay with us?
It doesn't say.
How long is she going to stay?
"Dear Shirley, I'm flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
Love, Mom."
Is she going to stay
through Monday?
Does your mother write in code?
That's all it says, look.
"Dear Shirley, I'm flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
Love, Mom."
Oh!
Oh, what are you doing?
What? Nothing.
Oh, I know you.
Every time you go
like this with your hair,
it means you're upset.
Oh, well, it's just
my mother makes me
a little nervous, that's all.
Oh. Well...
I think I'll stay
with Teri Buttafuco
while your mother visits.
Oh, no! No. Don't
leave me alone with her.
When I'm left alone with
her, she drives me crazy.
She's never forgiven me for
not becoming Deborah Kerr.
Oh, well... my
father's the same way.
Only with him,
it's Joe DiMaggio.
All she ever does
is pick, pick, pick.
Oh, all mothers do that.
That's how you
know it's your mother.
I'm telling you, her
criticizing drives me bats.
You know, in all the
time I've known you,
I never heard your
mother criticize you.
Hmm, that's just it. No
one's ever heard her.
Not you. Not your father.
Nobody but me.
Well, let's keep it that way.
Um, I think I'll stay with
Terry for the weekend.
Why don't you, uh, take your
mother to see My Fair Lady?
She'll be thrilled.
Laverne, wait!
Can't you hear it?
Your conscience
is talking to you.
That still, small
voice within is saying
( high-pitched
voice): "Laverne...
"Laverne...
don't leave Shirl
alone with her mother."
Okay, okay.
I won't go.
Thank you.
But no more of this
stuff with your hair, okay?
( in high-pitched
voice): I promise.
Don't force it.
Pull it.
Oh, come on in, Mrs. Feeney.
Shirley didn't know you
were taking an earlier flight.
Personally, I had a hunch.
Is your husband joining you?
I no longer have
a husband, dear.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
My Floyd passed
away six years ago.
Oh, my husband didn't
pass away. We're divorced.
Too bad.
Well, my dear, thank you very,
very much for showing me in.
That was very kind of you.
Oh, you'd better
close that window.
It's going to rain.
3.5 inches.
( hums eerie melody)
Well, listen, who
knows? She may be right.
Hmm... anything could
crawl in right off the street.
Hello.
Hello.
Didn't you used to
be Shirley's mother?
Yes, and weren't
you the little boy
who once tried to shave our dog?
Ah, you remember that...
That dog needed a shave.
Uh, may-may I ask...
do you boys often barge
in here without knocking?
Oh, it's okay.
They're never naked.
Didn't you move to
California or someplace?
Yes. Yes. It's marvelous.
It's marvelous? Yes, mar...
Eh, I could never
live in California.
I sunburn too easy.
Yes, well, may-may I ask,
are you and the
girls very close?
Oh, yeah, we
live right upstairs.
We're kind of like,
uh, guardian angels.
Yeah, you might say
we're bosom buddies.
( both chuckling)
Well, boys, if you'll excuse
me, I've had a very rough day,
and I think I'm
going to sit down.
Oh, go ahead, it's okay.
We just came over
to get some groceries.
LENNY: I think she wants
to be left alone, Squig...
Did you get everything
you need for the stew?
Yeah, yeah, eggs, too. Okay.
And don't worry about it,
we got everything planned.
Oh, and very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Feeney.
You know, you're Shirley's mom.
And to me, that makes
you kind of a sacred cow.
( indistinct voices)
SHIRLEY: burst into the house...
LAVERNE: How
did she get in there?
Mother?
Mother?
Mama?
Shirley?
Shirley!
Ma!
Shirley!
Good to see you!
Oh, oh, you look
wonderful, Dimples.
Dimples?
Oh, hello, Laverne.
You look wonderful, too.
Your L's have gotten larger.
Well... time marches on.
Hey, uh, did you find everything
you need, Mrs. Feeney?
Oh, yes. Can I get you anything?
Well, a glass of iced
tea would be nice, dear.
Coming right up.
Dimples!
Oh, Shirley, come here.
Let me take a good
look at you, darling.
Now dance for Mommy. Come on...
Oh, Mama, I don't
want... ( humming melody)
Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
Oh, Shirley, it's
been six months.
Well? What do you think?
You've changed your hair.
It's so short and straight.
Well, this is the
new style. I like it.
Oh, well, darling,
it's all right.
It's your hair,
but it is incredible
how much you look
like your brother Michael.
Now, Mother, I don't
look like Michael,
except my big ears!
( mumbles and chuckles)
No more about stringy hair.
No, darling, you know what?
I brought some presents
for you and Laverne.
Oh, that's sweet of you.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, but on second
thought, darling,
I don't think it'll fit Laverne.
She's gotten kind of hefty.
Now, Mother,
Laverne's not hefty.
She's just tall.
She's very thin.
Now, on the other hand, darling,
you could use a
couple of pounds.
I mean, you look
like a scarecrow.
Mr. Right will never come along.
Oh, Mother... Oh, Mother!
Mother!
I have a great big
surprise for you.
Let me guess.
You're getting married?
No.
You're getting a better job?
No.
You're moving to a better place?
No!
Mother, there's a
great big Broadway hit
in town, My Fair
Lady... And you're in it!
I'm not in it!
Why not?
Why would I be in My Fair Lady?
Well, you're wonderful.
I just saw you dancing.
You're beautiful.
No, no, Mother.
Why wouldn't you
be in My Fair Lady?
Come and sit down,
just for a minute.
Sit down right here.
There we go.
Mother, Laverne and
I have gotten tickets,
and we're going to take
you to see My Fair Lady.
But first, we're going to
take you out to dinner...
I'd rather stay in, dear.
And then you'd
rather stay in, dear.
Mother, Mr. De Fazio has
run all over town like a fool
to get these tickets.
Darling, it's not nice to
pressurize your house guests.
It's very unbecoming.
Well, I think Laverne's
going to be terribly
upset over this.
Laverne's going to
be upset over what?
Well, Laverne, I just
want to stay in, that's all.
Oh, thank you dear. Thank you
very much for the tea, Laverne.
Well, listen, now tell me, what do
you girls like to do on a Saturday night?
At home or in a car?
( muffled scream)
That was a joke.
A joke!
I was joking! What in a car?
A joke, Mama.
Oh, it's a joke?!
Well, you do... (
shouting indistinctly)
Oh, you girls are
such silly willies.
Listen, tell me seriously now.
What do you like to
do on a Saturday night?
Well, sometimes we go out,
and sometimes we
invite people over.
Oh! That is perfect.
That is absolutely perfect.
Now, why don't you girls
whip up a quick buffet,
and invite ten or 12
of your friends over?
You see, I'm only
going to be here a day,
and oh, I'd love to
meet your little friends.
Uh, Mama? What, dear?
Mama, it's 5:30,
and I don't think...
Well, darling, then only
invite eight friends over.
Oh, except that
Squiggley and Wiggley.
I've seen enough of them.
Yeah.
Oh, listen, I had better
get to a beauty parlor
if I'm going to be gorgeous.
Oh, the tea was
delicious, Laverne.
Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Feeney.
Oh, please... call me Barb.
Your name's Lily.
I know, dear, but all
my friends in California
think I'm a double for Barbara
Rush, so just call me Barb.
Bye, bye.
Bye, Barb.
How do you think I feel when
I hear something like that?
How do you think
Barbara Rush would feel?
Hey, let her think
what she wants.
You know what she said
while you were out of the room?
What? She said I
looked like Michael.
Well, you do look
like your brother.
You know what else she said?
She said that...
she couldn't give you the
present she brought you.
Oh, she didn't even
have to give me a present.
'Cause you were
too fat to fit into it.
No... Yes, that's what she said.
She called you fat, fatto.
Big as a house.
That's what she said?
Well, not exactly
in those words,
but she said you
got a size larger.
Well, that's different than
"bigger than a house."
Well... Come on,
I'm not fat. Am I fat?
No, you're not fat.
Oh, I am fat.
I'm gotta weigh myself.
You're not fat.
Oh, what am I going to do?
Eight people and Barbara
Rush coming to dinner.
FRANK: Laverne!
LAVERNE: I'm sorry you got
stuck with the theater tickets.
( approaching footsteps)
I got the soda.
Oh... good.
Three kinds.
Orange, grape, and blue.
Blue soda?
What does it taste like?
I don't know
what it tastes like.
It was on sale.
What'd you make for dinner?
Uh, stuffed peppers.
Great.
What did you stuff them with?
Lima beans.
What?
You're kidding.
You'll give me $2.00 for
tickets to My Fair Lady?
I'll tell you what...
I'll eat them first.
Did you make the hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, I'll start.
( sighs)
Whipped cream on top of an Oreo
is your idea of hors d'oeuvres?
Yeah, it's good.
It's a tasteless blunder.
I have been working
here like a horse
and all you do is criticize.
I'm sorry.
You see what my
mother's doing to me?
She's driving me crazy.
This whole evening is
going to be a disaster.
Oh, come on, come
on, take it easy.
Here, have a blunder.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, Frank!
Lily, how are you?
Oh, please, call me Barb.
Okay, call me Vinnie.
Why am I Vinnie?
I just love your hair, Mother.
The beauty parlor was closed.
( Laverne laughs)
Oh, I'm going to go
clean the bathroom.
( music plays)
Oh, Mother, this is
Edna and Lynn and Jane.
Oh, how do you do, girls?
Oh, those are darling blouses.
Are you all sisters?
No, we were bowling.
Oh, my.
Why bother to change clothes?
Hey, Sam. Willie. How you doing?
Take your shoes
off, wipe your feet,
come on down to the party, hey?
Now who are they?
They're friends of ours.
They work for the
sanitation department.
Underground.
Oh, they're sewer workers.
( muffled scream)
Why are you eating the pillow?
Laverne, my mother's out there
saying terrible things
about everybody.
Like what?
You know what she
called Willie and Sam?
The sewer workers?
She called them sewer workers.
Well, that about sums them up.
She has said something
terrible about everybody.
Well, who's heard her
say all these things?
Nobody. Nobody but me.
Well, why don't you
tell her to stop it?
I can't argue with my mother.
Why?
I argue with my father
and I can't understand
what he says.
Look, uh, talk it out.
Maybe you'll become chums.
Chums.
I don't think so.
Well, look, uh,
I dropped a can of
Bab-O in the bowl
and I got to get it out.
Uh, why don't you
just tell you mother
that when she criticizes
you it just really bugs you.
And if that don't work,
then just tell her to
blow it out her ear.
Blow it out her ear?
Oh, well, then, uh,
tell her to give it a rest.
Oh, I wish I could.
Oh, sure you can, Dimples.
Go on out and
have fun at the party.
Will you come with me?
I got a bowl full of Bab-O.
Sure, go in there, have
fun cleaning the toilet
while I go to some party.
The hors d'oeuvres.
Who's serving the
hors d'oeuvres?
Okay, everybody, suck it up.
My mother hates the shower.
She's going to say the water's
coming out too slowly.
Think she's going to be upset?
My father ended up taking
Lenny and Squiggy
to My Fair Lady.
Well, time for beauty nap,
rest and all that kind of...
Oh, darling, listen now.
You better not stay up too late
or you're going
to get those dark
little circles under your eyes.
And I don't want my
lovely little daughter
looking like a raccoon.
( chuckles)
You feeling all right, Mother?
Oh fine, fine, fine.
Fresh as a daisy.
Now if you'll just, uh,
get everything organized
here on the
couch, I'll go to bed.
No, I'm going to
sleep on the couch.
No, no, no, never let it be said
that Barb Feeney put
anyone out of their bed.
Now Mother, you're the guest,
you're not going to
sleep on the couch.
( all talking)
Hold it! Hold it.
We'll choose.
Ink a dink a bottle of ink
the cork fell out and I stink.
Oh, boy, I stink.
I better go wash up and
I'll sleep on the couch.
"Ink a dink a bottle of ink."
I don't know, that
Laverne is one of a kind.
Yes, she sure is.
Mom, tell me the truth.
Did you like my party?
I mean, I'm older
now, we can be chums.
Chums?
Yes. Be honest with me.
Okay... chum.
I was disappointed.
You're still with Shore Patrol,
and bowlers, and sewer workers
and Iggley and
Squiggley from upstairs.
Lenny and Squiggy.
Yeah, well I know
that life, Shirley.
I married your father.
Oh yes, oh yes, we
were very much in love,
but after five years of marriage
he went back to sea
and I'm trying to make
a life in California
at this weight.
Listen, you marry
one of those guys
and you're going
to end up trying
to eat your way to
happiness like me.
Well, I think I'm old enough
to pick my own friends.
But are these the kind of people
who can help you get ahead?
Shirl, you should be out looking
for a better class of friends,
and it's not impossible.
I mean, look at your
friend Rosalie Pishkin.
She married a, a college man.
Well, sort of...
I mean, she could
have helped you
marry a college man, anyway.
She could have
found one for you.
But no, you wanted to
stay with your friends.
Shirley, look, I came out
here to see how you're doing.
Is this it?
I mean, I'm supposed
to go back to California
and say to my friends,
"Ho-ho, Shirley lives in a cellar,
"she works in a brewery.
"Ha-ha, she has no ambition.
Ha-ha."
Is that what I'm
supposed to say?
Well, why can't I go
back and say, "Oh.
"Oh, Shirley, Shirley has
found a wonderful man.
"And they have a lovely
house in the suburbs,
and her life is going up, up."
Well, Shirl, what's
it going to be?
Is it going to be the
good life or bimbo city?
Well, come on, Shirl.
Do you have an answer for me?
Well, can't you say
something, Shirley, something?
Ah, give it a rest, huh?
Look, now this may be, uh,
none of my business,
but you are driving
that girl crazy.
I mean, look at her.
I mean, you think any prince
wants to marry
a little bald girl?
And it would be a heck
of a lot easier on her, Barb,
if you would just stop
nagging her to death.
And Rosalie Pishkin?
Ha... married a college guy.
Agricultural college.
She's on a farm in South Dakota,
standing around with pigs.
That's right.
That's right, little
oinkers running around.
And, and, you
don't have to worry
about her becoming no bimbo,
'cause I'm
watching out for that.
Did you hear what
she said to me?
Yes.
Well, am I really a nag?
Um...
Yes.
Well, if I am, it's-
it's only because
I'm-I'm concerned for you,
it's only because I love you.
I know you love me, Mama.
Uh, the trouble is,
you don't like me.
Oh, I got to sit down.
Well, really, you don't.
I mean, you don't
like anything about me.
You don't like my house,
you don't like my job,
my friends, my hair,
and if you don't like me,
then it's very difficult
for me to like you.
You don't like me?
No.
Not when you want me to
be something I'm not, I don't.
Well, I'd like for us
to like each other.
So would I.
Well... Well, I'll try.
Me, too.
Okay, but, can I still
just kind of silently
wish for the house
in the suburbs?
Yes.
Okay. Chums?
Partners.
Buddies.
Pals.
We're so silly.
My father will be here soon.
For airports, he's
usually on time.
Laverne? Barb?
Call me Lily.
I'm sorry that I blew
up at you last night.
No, no, no, no, please,
uh, please, Laverne,
I really had it coming.
You know, if I'd
known that my concern
was going to cause
Shirley to be miserable,
I never would
have acted like that.
Oh, no, she's real
glad you care about her,
and your heart's
in the right place...
It's just that my mouth gets
in the way sometimes, right?
Yeah, but I wouldn't
mind some of...
That raccoon thing, I
didn't think was bad.
She does look
like a little raccoon.
Well, there we go.
Do you have everything now?
I sure do.
Oh, I'm going to cry.
BOTH: ♪ The rain in Spain
stays mainly on the plain ♪
Fellas, fellas!
Cut it! That's enough.
We don't want to hear about it.
I've got to get my
mom to the airport.
Yeah, my father's
coming by to pick her up.
No, he ain't.
No, he ain't.
We're going to take
your ma to the airport
on account of he
took us to the play.
Fair is fair.
My father lent you his car?
No, we're going to take her
in the beer truck.
( gasps)
And you're going
to get the pleasure
of sitting on my lap.
Let's go.
I am not gong to sit
on Squiggley's lap.
Then, uh, you're
going to have to drive.
I drive.
Mother, it's Squiggy.
I don't care.
Squiggley, Wiggley...
They're all crazy!
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any chance ♪
♪ We'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any rule ♪
♪ We'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( humming)
Come on.
( humming continues)
Don't force it. Pull it.
( humming)
Shirl, we just got
to get a new lock.
With our new raise, you
get yourself a new lock,
you get yourself a new door,
you get yourself
anything you want.
I've got decorating
plans for this place...
Wait! Come in for a landing.
Our raise is only for
five cents an hour.
That's only two, uh...
two more dollars a week.
After a year, it adds up.
( knocking)
Adds up to what?
$104. Count 'em.
Uh, that means we could
go to, what? 52 movies.
Right. Who is it?
WOMAN: It's your
landlady, Mrs. Havenwurst.
( whispering): What do
you suppose she wants?
I don't know,
but I don't like to talk to her.
She always wants to
read my palm or scalp
or contact my dead relatives.
I think she's spooky.
Oh, she's just mystical.
Hi, Mrs. Havenwurst.
Oh, Shirley, I have
a telegram for you.
You weren't home, so
the man gave it to me.
Oh, dear me! I hope
it's not bad news.
Oh, don't worry.
I have a feeling it's
really very good news.
She opened it.
No, no, it's just
my psychic abilities.
Oh, I've got to run now, girls.
My phone's about to ring.
( hums eerie melody)
Here, Laverne.
You open it; read it to me.
Telegrams make me very nervous.
All right, I can take it.
Who's dead?
No.
Your mother's flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
No kidding! Tell me, is
she going to stay with us?
It doesn't say.
How long is she going to stay?
"Dear Shirley, I'm flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
Love, Mom."
Is she going to stay
through Monday?
Does your mother write in code?
That's all it says, look.
"Dear Shirley, I'm flying
in tomorrow for a visit.
Love, Mom."
Oh!
Oh, what are you doing?
What? Nothing.
Oh, I know you.
Every time you go
like this with your hair,
it means you're upset.
Oh, well, it's just
my mother makes me
a little nervous, that's all.
Oh. Well...
I think I'll stay
with Teri Buttafuco
while your mother visits.
Oh, no! No. Don't
leave me alone with her.
When I'm left alone with
her, she drives me crazy.
She's never forgiven me for
not becoming Deborah Kerr.
Oh, well... my
father's the same way.
Only with him,
it's Joe DiMaggio.
All she ever does
is pick, pick, pick.
Oh, all mothers do that.
That's how you
know it's your mother.
I'm telling you, her
criticizing drives me bats.
You know, in all the
time I've known you,
I never heard your
mother criticize you.
Hmm, that's just it. No
one's ever heard her.
Not you. Not your father.
Nobody but me.
Well, let's keep it that way.
Um, I think I'll stay with
Terry for the weekend.
Why don't you, uh, take your
mother to see My Fair Lady?
She'll be thrilled.
Laverne, wait!
Can't you hear it?
Your conscience
is talking to you.
That still, small
voice within is saying
( high-pitched
voice): "Laverne...
"Laverne...
don't leave Shirl
alone with her mother."
Okay, okay.
I won't go.
Thank you.
But no more of this
stuff with your hair, okay?
( in high-pitched
voice): I promise.
Don't force it.
Pull it.
Oh, come on in, Mrs. Feeney.
Shirley didn't know you
were taking an earlier flight.
Personally, I had a hunch.
Is your husband joining you?
I no longer have
a husband, dear.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
My Floyd passed
away six years ago.
Oh, my husband didn't
pass away. We're divorced.
Too bad.
Well, my dear, thank you very,
very much for showing me in.
That was very kind of you.
Oh, you'd better
close that window.
It's going to rain.
3.5 inches.
( hums eerie melody)
Well, listen, who
knows? She may be right.
Hmm... anything could
crawl in right off the street.
Hello.
Hello.
Didn't you used to
be Shirley's mother?
Yes, and weren't
you the little boy
who once tried to shave our dog?
Ah, you remember that...
That dog needed a shave.
Uh, may-may I ask...
do you boys often barge
in here without knocking?
Oh, it's okay.
They're never naked.
Didn't you move to
California or someplace?
Yes. Yes. It's marvelous.
It's marvelous? Yes, mar...
Eh, I could never
live in California.
I sunburn too easy.
Yes, well, may-may I ask,
are you and the
girls very close?
Oh, yeah, we
live right upstairs.
We're kind of like,
uh, guardian angels.
Yeah, you might say
we're bosom buddies.
( both chuckling)
Well, boys, if you'll excuse
me, I've had a very rough day,
and I think I'm
going to sit down.
Oh, go ahead, it's okay.
We just came over
to get some groceries.
LENNY: I think she wants
to be left alone, Squig...
Did you get everything
you need for the stew?
Yeah, yeah, eggs, too. Okay.
And don't worry about it,
we got everything planned.
Oh, and very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Feeney.
You know, you're Shirley's mom.
And to me, that makes
you kind of a sacred cow.
( indistinct voices)
SHIRLEY: burst into the house...
LAVERNE: How
did she get in there?
Mother?
Mother?
Mama?
Shirley?
Shirley!
Ma!
Shirley!
Good to see you!
Oh, oh, you look
wonderful, Dimples.
Dimples?
Oh, hello, Laverne.
You look wonderful, too.
Your L's have gotten larger.
Well... time marches on.
Hey, uh, did you find everything
you need, Mrs. Feeney?
Oh, yes. Can I get you anything?
Well, a glass of iced
tea would be nice, dear.
Coming right up.
Dimples!
Oh, Shirley, come here.
Let me take a good
look at you, darling.
Now dance for Mommy. Come on...
Oh, Mama, I don't
want... ( humming melody)
Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
Oh, Shirley, it's
been six months.
Well? What do you think?
You've changed your hair.
It's so short and straight.
Well, this is the
new style. I like it.
Oh, well, darling,
it's all right.
It's your hair,
but it is incredible
how much you look
like your brother Michael.
Now, Mother, I don't
look like Michael,
except my big ears!
( mumbles and chuckles)
No more about stringy hair.
No, darling, you know what?
I brought some presents
for you and Laverne.
Oh, that's sweet of you.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, but on second
thought, darling,
I don't think it'll fit Laverne.
She's gotten kind of hefty.
Now, Mother,
Laverne's not hefty.
She's just tall.
She's very thin.
Now, on the other hand, darling,
you could use a
couple of pounds.
I mean, you look
like a scarecrow.
Mr. Right will never come along.
Oh, Mother... Oh, Mother!
Mother!
I have a great big
surprise for you.
Let me guess.
You're getting married?
No.
You're getting a better job?
No.
You're moving to a better place?
No!
Mother, there's a
great big Broadway hit
in town, My Fair
Lady... And you're in it!
I'm not in it!
Why not?
Why would I be in My Fair Lady?
Well, you're wonderful.
I just saw you dancing.
You're beautiful.
No, no, Mother.
Why wouldn't you
be in My Fair Lady?
Come and sit down,
just for a minute.
Sit down right here.
There we go.
Mother, Laverne and
I have gotten tickets,
and we're going to take
you to see My Fair Lady.
But first, we're going to
take you out to dinner...
I'd rather stay in, dear.
And then you'd
rather stay in, dear.
Mother, Mr. De Fazio has
run all over town like a fool
to get these tickets.
Darling, it's not nice to
pressurize your house guests.
It's very unbecoming.
Well, I think Laverne's
going to be terribly
upset over this.
Laverne's going to
be upset over what?
Well, Laverne, I just
want to stay in, that's all.
Oh, thank you dear. Thank you
very much for the tea, Laverne.
Well, listen, now tell me, what do
you girls like to do on a Saturday night?
At home or in a car?
( muffled scream)
That was a joke.
A joke!
I was joking! What in a car?
A joke, Mama.
Oh, it's a joke?!
Well, you do... (
shouting indistinctly)
Oh, you girls are
such silly willies.
Listen, tell me seriously now.
What do you like to
do on a Saturday night?
Well, sometimes we go out,
and sometimes we
invite people over.
Oh! That is perfect.
That is absolutely perfect.
Now, why don't you girls
whip up a quick buffet,
and invite ten or 12
of your friends over?
You see, I'm only
going to be here a day,
and oh, I'd love to
meet your little friends.
Uh, Mama? What, dear?
Mama, it's 5:30,
and I don't think...
Well, darling, then only
invite eight friends over.
Oh, except that
Squiggley and Wiggley.
I've seen enough of them.
Yeah.
Oh, listen, I had better
get to a beauty parlor
if I'm going to be gorgeous.
Oh, the tea was
delicious, Laverne.
Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Feeney.
Oh, please... call me Barb.
Your name's Lily.
I know, dear, but all
my friends in California
think I'm a double for Barbara
Rush, so just call me Barb.
Bye, bye.
Bye, Barb.
How do you think I feel when
I hear something like that?
How do you think
Barbara Rush would feel?
Hey, let her think
what she wants.
You know what she said
while you were out of the room?
What? She said I
looked like Michael.
Well, you do look
like your brother.
You know what else she said?
She said that...
she couldn't give you the
present she brought you.
Oh, she didn't even
have to give me a present.
'Cause you were
too fat to fit into it.
No... Yes, that's what she said.
She called you fat, fatto.
Big as a house.
That's what she said?
Well, not exactly
in those words,
but she said you
got a size larger.
Well, that's different than
"bigger than a house."
Well... Come on,
I'm not fat. Am I fat?
No, you're not fat.
Oh, I am fat.
I'm gotta weigh myself.
You're not fat.
Oh, what am I going to do?
Eight people and Barbara
Rush coming to dinner.
FRANK: Laverne!
LAVERNE: I'm sorry you got
stuck with the theater tickets.
( approaching footsteps)
I got the soda.
Oh... good.
Three kinds.
Orange, grape, and blue.
Blue soda?
What does it taste like?
I don't know
what it tastes like.
It was on sale.
What'd you make for dinner?
Uh, stuffed peppers.
Great.
What did you stuff them with?
Lima beans.
What?
You're kidding.
You'll give me $2.00 for
tickets to My Fair Lady?
I'll tell you what...
I'll eat them first.
Did you make the hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, I'll start.
( sighs)
Whipped cream on top of an Oreo
is your idea of hors d'oeuvres?
Yeah, it's good.
It's a tasteless blunder.
I have been working
here like a horse
and all you do is criticize.
I'm sorry.
You see what my
mother's doing to me?
She's driving me crazy.
This whole evening is
going to be a disaster.
Oh, come on, come
on, take it easy.
Here, have a blunder.
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, Frank!
Lily, how are you?
Oh, please, call me Barb.
Okay, call me Vinnie.
Why am I Vinnie?
I just love your hair, Mother.
The beauty parlor was closed.
( Laverne laughs)
Oh, I'm going to go
clean the bathroom.
( music plays)
Oh, Mother, this is
Edna and Lynn and Jane.
Oh, how do you do, girls?
Oh, those are darling blouses.
Are you all sisters?
No, we were bowling.
Oh, my.
Why bother to change clothes?
Hey, Sam. Willie. How you doing?
Take your shoes
off, wipe your feet,
come on down to the party, hey?
Now who are they?
They're friends of ours.
They work for the
sanitation department.
Underground.
Oh, they're sewer workers.
( muffled scream)
Why are you eating the pillow?
Laverne, my mother's out there
saying terrible things
about everybody.
Like what?
You know what she
called Willie and Sam?
The sewer workers?
She called them sewer workers.
Well, that about sums them up.
She has said something
terrible about everybody.
Well, who's heard her
say all these things?
Nobody. Nobody but me.
Well, why don't you
tell her to stop it?
I can't argue with my mother.
Why?
I argue with my father
and I can't understand
what he says.
Look, uh, talk it out.
Maybe you'll become chums.
Chums.
I don't think so.
Well, look, uh,
I dropped a can of
Bab-O in the bowl
and I got to get it out.
Uh, why don't you
just tell you mother
that when she criticizes
you it just really bugs you.
And if that don't work,
then just tell her to
blow it out her ear.
Blow it out her ear?
Oh, well, then, uh,
tell her to give it a rest.
Oh, I wish I could.
Oh, sure you can, Dimples.
Go on out and
have fun at the party.
Will you come with me?
I got a bowl full of Bab-O.
Sure, go in there, have
fun cleaning the toilet
while I go to some party.
The hors d'oeuvres.
Who's serving the
hors d'oeuvres?
Okay, everybody, suck it up.
My mother hates the shower.
She's going to say the water's
coming out too slowly.
Think she's going to be upset?
My father ended up taking
Lenny and Squiggy
to My Fair Lady.
Well, time for beauty nap,
rest and all that kind of...
Oh, darling, listen now.
You better not stay up too late
or you're going
to get those dark
little circles under your eyes.
And I don't want my
lovely little daughter
looking like a raccoon.
( chuckles)
You feeling all right, Mother?
Oh fine, fine, fine.
Fresh as a daisy.
Now if you'll just, uh,
get everything organized
here on the
couch, I'll go to bed.
No, I'm going to
sleep on the couch.
No, no, no, never let it be said
that Barb Feeney put
anyone out of their bed.
Now Mother, you're the guest,
you're not going to
sleep on the couch.
( all talking)
Hold it! Hold it.
We'll choose.
Ink a dink a bottle of ink
the cork fell out and I stink.
Oh, boy, I stink.
I better go wash up and
I'll sleep on the couch.
"Ink a dink a bottle of ink."
I don't know, that
Laverne is one of a kind.
Yes, she sure is.
Mom, tell me the truth.
Did you like my party?
I mean, I'm older
now, we can be chums.
Chums?
Yes. Be honest with me.
Okay... chum.
I was disappointed.
You're still with Shore Patrol,
and bowlers, and sewer workers
and Iggley and
Squiggley from upstairs.
Lenny and Squiggy.
Yeah, well I know
that life, Shirley.
I married your father.
Oh yes, oh yes, we
were very much in love,
but after five years of marriage
he went back to sea
and I'm trying to make
a life in California
at this weight.
Listen, you marry
one of those guys
and you're going
to end up trying
to eat your way to
happiness like me.
Well, I think I'm old enough
to pick my own friends.
But are these the kind of people
who can help you get ahead?
Shirl, you should be out looking
for a better class of friends,
and it's not impossible.
I mean, look at your
friend Rosalie Pishkin.
She married a, a college man.
Well, sort of...
I mean, she could
have helped you
marry a college man, anyway.
She could have
found one for you.
But no, you wanted to
stay with your friends.
Shirley, look, I came out
here to see how you're doing.
Is this it?
I mean, I'm supposed
to go back to California
and say to my friends,
"Ho-ho, Shirley lives in a cellar,
"she works in a brewery.
"Ha-ha, she has no ambition.
Ha-ha."
Is that what I'm
supposed to say?
Well, why can't I go
back and say, "Oh.
"Oh, Shirley, Shirley has
found a wonderful man.
"And they have a lovely
house in the suburbs,
and her life is going up, up."
Well, Shirl, what's
it going to be?
Is it going to be the
good life or bimbo city?
Well, come on, Shirl.
Do you have an answer for me?
Well, can't you say
something, Shirley, something?
Ah, give it a rest, huh?
Look, now this may be, uh,
none of my business,
but you are driving
that girl crazy.
I mean, look at her.
I mean, you think any prince
wants to marry
a little bald girl?
And it would be a heck
of a lot easier on her, Barb,
if you would just stop
nagging her to death.
And Rosalie Pishkin?
Ha... married a college guy.
Agricultural college.
She's on a farm in South Dakota,
standing around with pigs.
That's right.
That's right, little
oinkers running around.
And, and, you
don't have to worry
about her becoming no bimbo,
'cause I'm
watching out for that.
Did you hear what
she said to me?
Yes.
Well, am I really a nag?
Um...
Yes.
Well, if I am, it's-
it's only because
I'm-I'm concerned for you,
it's only because I love you.
I know you love me, Mama.
Uh, the trouble is,
you don't like me.
Oh, I got to sit down.
Well, really, you don't.
I mean, you don't
like anything about me.
You don't like my house,
you don't like my job,
my friends, my hair,
and if you don't like me,
then it's very difficult
for me to like you.
You don't like me?
No.
Not when you want me to
be something I'm not, I don't.
Well, I'd like for us
to like each other.
So would I.
Well... Well, I'll try.
Me, too.
Okay, but, can I still
just kind of silently
wish for the house
in the suburbs?
Yes.
Okay. Chums?
Partners.
Buddies.
Pals.
We're so silly.
My father will be here soon.
For airports, he's
usually on time.
Laverne? Barb?
Call me Lily.
I'm sorry that I blew
up at you last night.
No, no, no, no, please,
uh, please, Laverne,
I really had it coming.
You know, if I'd
known that my concern
was going to cause
Shirley to be miserable,
I never would
have acted like that.
Oh, no, she's real
glad you care about her,
and your heart's
in the right place...
It's just that my mouth gets
in the way sometimes, right?
Yeah, but I wouldn't
mind some of...
That raccoon thing, I
didn't think was bad.
She does look
like a little raccoon.
Well, there we go.
Do you have everything now?
I sure do.
Oh, I'm going to cry.
BOTH: ♪ The rain in Spain
stays mainly on the plain ♪
Fellas, fellas!
Cut it! That's enough.
We don't want to hear about it.
I've got to get my
mom to the airport.
Yeah, my father's
coming by to pick her up.
No, he ain't.
No, he ain't.
We're going to take
your ma to the airport
on account of he
took us to the play.
Fair is fair.
My father lent you his car?
No, we're going to take her
in the beer truck.
( gasps)
And you're going
to get the pleasure
of sitting on my lap.
Let's go.
I am not gong to sit
on Squiggley's lap.
Then, uh, you're
going to have to drive.
I drive.
Mother, it's Squiggy.
I don't care.
Squiggley, Wiggley...
They're all crazy!
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪