Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 3 - Bowling for Razzberries - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any chance ♪

♪ We'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any rule ♪

♪ We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪



♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪



♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Here's your milk, Shirl.

Come on, let's go eat outside.

Luncheon outside?

It must be 30 degrees out there.

Well, it's invigorating...
Works up an appetite.

That's how the Swedes eat.

Please, Laverne, I'm
reading my etiquette book.

You need etiquette
for the places you go?

One day, I'd like to
eat at a restaurant

where the menu
doesn't have a picture

of burgers, fries and a Coke.

Come on, Shirl.

Let's go out and
sit on the bench

and watch the men load
up the trucks. That's fun.

That is not fun.

They make vile
comments about my lunch.

"Hey, baby, how's
your tuna fish?"

Well, I'm going to go outside.

Oh, I know what
this is all about.

It's Friday, and you don't want

to be here when you-know-who

comes through
with the Shotz Tour.

That's right, Miss Karen Clopton

with her nose
stuck up in the air,

putting us down
in front of the tour,

calling us unskilled labor.

Well, I got skills.

Laverne, please,
don't make a scene.

They'll hear about it upstairs
and you'll lose your job.

Now, promise me
that you'll ignore her.

I promise I'll try.

You better, because Karen

would just love
to get you fired.

And this is where
the unskilled workers

take their break.

Shotz Beer is very democratic

in hiring people for
their assembly-line jobs.

Don't push her, Karen.

You don't even need
a high school diploma.

I have a diploma...
And a punctuality pin.

Laverne is in bottling,

but don't worry, folks,

that girl's hands
never touch the beer.

Put the bottle down.
Put the bottle down.

Put the bottle down.

There. You showed
very good self-control.

You behaved just like a lady.

I'm gonna wait
for her after work

and stick her name
tag up her nose.

No, no. That would
not be ladylike.

What is ladylike?

You want to get even with Karen?

Yeah.

Beat her on the field of honor.

The vacant lot
next to the bakery?

The bowling alley.

Yeah, I could give her
a noogie with a tenpin.

No. What is tomorrow night?

The company bowling tournament.

Right! Beat Karen's
team in the championship,

and she'll die.

Yeah.

If we really try, we can win.

We start tonight

right after work and practice?

That's the spirit,
Laverne. You see?

( whistle blows)

Now, isn't this
better than fighting?

You get even with Karen

and, at the same time, you
preserve your human dignity.

Yeah, and then
right after we win,

I'll just sort of saunter up
to Karen, with all my dignity,

and say, "Karen...
( blows razzberry)"

No, I kid, but Emily
Post says... No, no...

See, Emily Post says that
when you order an entree...

All right! All right!

Let's put the makeup away
and stop the chattering.

They're all yours, Coach.

Okay, before we
start practice tonight,

I want to go over a few of the
problems we seem to be having.

Tina, you got to let go
of your ball a little sooner.

It should roll down the alley,
not bounce down the alley.

Right.

And, uh, Mildred,
you have to hold on

to your ball a little longer.

Last year you
left it on the bus.

Go with her, Tina.
Call the bus company.

We'll wait here.

I, uh... ( laughs)

noticed that you didn't have
any comments about my bowling.

Have I really
improved that much?

No.

Oh. Well, then, I think that...

Look, Shirl, the reason

I don't criticize your bowling

is you're so sensitive
and you always overreact...

Oh, hush, I do not
overreact... You do, you do.

No, really, I don't. Try me.

Well, Shirl, when you bowl...

You take too many steps.

See there?

I didn't overreact.

I quit the team!

Oh, Shirl, Shirl.

I'm sorry, but nine
steps is too many.

Nine is my lucky number.

23 is mine. If I
followed your theory,

I'd just walk down the
alley and kick the pins over.

With your feet, you wouldn't
need that many steps!

Ho, ho, ho, well,
with your mouth...

My mouth? ( sneezes)

Oh, oh, bless you, Laverne.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's
just a little chilly in here.

Chilly in here?

It's a thousand degrees in here.

Oh... Let me feel your forehead.

( gasps): You're burning up.

Shirl, they're
looking at us here.

Vernie, you've got a fever.

Oh, what did you expect?

You said it was a
thousand degrees in here.

Here. Liquids.

Drink liquids.

I don't think you
should practice.

If you practice, you're
going to go in there,

get overheated,
go out in the cold,

catch pneumonia, and die.

What are you talking about?

Wendy Balonka.

Oh, Shirl, not another
one of your horror stories

about a head cold that
wiped out a city block.

It took her two years to
grow her hair back, Laverne.

Shirl, believe
me, I am not sick,

and there is nothing in this
place that will make me sick.

Hello, girls.

( groans)

Laverne, you got any butter?

No butter here.

We don't need no butter.

Just let me give it one yank.

No, no, I wouldn't,
I... ( groans, shrieks)

Ow! What are you trying to do?

You trying to rupture my hand?

This is serious.

Uh... bring me a good lubricant.

I'll try some olive oil.

How did you do that, Leonard?

I didn't do it, Shirley.

Karen Clopton did it.

Is Karen in there?

Don't think about Karen.

Yeah, I made some
comment about her body

and she jammed this
lady's ball on my hand.

Okay, if this don't work,

then we'll just chain the ball

to the back of the
car and drag you

around the block
for a half hour.

Hurry up. That's my
scratching hand, too.

Boy, that Karen sure
hates you, Laverne.

She called you... pelican-puss.

( laughing)

Pelican-puss?

Maybe it's some
kind of compliment.

Yeah.

Maybe she don't
know pelicans are ugly.

I'm going to kill her.

( sneezing) Bless
you. Bless you.

What are you going to
do, sneeze her to death?

Shirl, I got to go in there

and show that cow that
she can't call me no pelican.

No, it was "pelican-puss."

BOTH: Shut up!

I'm going to try,
uh, uh, vinegar.

You promised to get
even through bowling.

Now, let's go practice.

Yeah, all right...
Gimme that ball.

What'd you do, lose it?

( knocking)

Who is it?

It's me, Carmine!

Can't be too careful these days.

Hey, the Big Ragoo is here.

Hi, Carmine.

What are you doing

carrying your socks around?

Oh, there's some people

from the Milwaukee Mercy Mission

in the building collecting

and, uh, they like it when
you give them nice stuff.

What do you want, Carmine?

Oh, yeah, Laverne.

Hey, you all set
for tonight, huh?

You're not nervous or anything?

You're not going to choke

on me, are you? No.

Good, because me,
Lenny and Squiggy,

we got up 25 bucks
for the game tonight.

Yeah? I just wanted to stop by

to wish you luck.

Thanks. Uh, Carmine, Yeah?

Laverne might not
be bowling tonight.

She's a very sick girl.

Don't look sick to me.

( sneezes)

She's sick. See there?

I am not that sick.

You don't understand.

Laverne is the only chance
that your team has got.

What about me?

You're the other team's chance.

I don't get it.

You're not going to let me down,

are you, Laverne?

No, Carmine, first
strike's for you.

Great.

I'll get some more money,

buy some new socks.

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches ♪

♪ If you would only
say you care... ♪

All right.

You lie down right there.

I'm going to fix you a
nice cup of hot yeast tea.

Uh, I'll take a rain check.

I got to practice.

Laverne, the doctor's
coming over here to see you.

What are you worrying about?

That's what you are,
you're a worry-wart.

All right, fine, then the
doctor will come over here,

say, "Shirley is a worry-wart.

Laverne is fine, she can bowl."

Otherwise, you
stay right here in bed.

The team needs me.

The team will win for you,

just like in the movies.

You don't understand, Shirl.

You just don't understand.

I want to be there when we win.

I want to tell Karen what
I've wanted to tell her

for the last five years.

( blowing razzberry)

I am so sorry I
made such a big thing

out of this bowling tournament.

All right, I've said
all I'm going to say.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going about my
morning grooming.

You lie down right there
until the doctor comes.

Okay, I'll lie down.

Maybe you're right.

You won't be sorry, Laverne.

You can get even next year.

I heard the trophy's
going to be bigger,

and it'll give us a
whole year to practice,

and maybe I can cut
my steps down to eight.

Uh, now you just go to bed

and take it easy and
you'll be better in no time,

and don't try to
leave, 'cause you know

I'll catch you. I'm faster
than you are, Laverne.

Laverne?! Laverne,

you know I can out-run you!

I may be sick, but I'm smart.

SHIRLEY: Get on
the couch, Laverne.

The doctor will be right here.

Who'd you call?

Shipkowsky.

Shipkowsky? I
never heard of him.

Yeah, well, he's new
in the neighborhood.

A new doctor? What
am I, a guinea pig?

Well, he may need the
money and be cheaper.

( knocking on door)

Who is it?

Dr. Shipkowsky.

Come in, Doctor.

There's our patient.

What seems to be the trouble?

Uh, it's a serious cold.

You're a doctor?

Well, if I'm not, I'm going
to get a parking ticket.

Aren't you a little
young to be a doctor?

No, everybody in my
graduating class was my age.

I'd like to wash up
before I examine you.

Where's the, uh...?

The "uh" is down at the
end of the hallway there.

That guy is not examining me.

Why not? He's a doctor.

Yeah, but he's
young and handsome,

and he's got all his hair.

Before a guy like
that examines me,

he marries me first.

Oh, Laverne, you look fine.

Oh, I wish I had
worn my baby-doll.

Does my hair look
okay? You look fine.

Look, all right.

Don't be silly, this
man took an oath.

Uh...

I'll be glad to assist in
any way I can, Doctor.

Well, thank you.

I better scrub up myself.

Now let's have a look at you.

Here I am.

There, Laverne.

That wasn't bad, was it?

No, it was kind of nice.

Can you come back tomorrow?

Laverne... It's the
fever talking, Doctor.

Not tomorrow, the next day.

I'll be back on Monday.

Monday?! But, Harold,
I got to bowl tonight.

No, it's out of the question.

It's bed rest until
Monday. Then we'll see.

Come on, you gave me a
shot. I feel better already.

I'm sorry, Laverne,
but you got a bad cold.

If you don't stay in bed,
you might get pneumonia.

Are there any further
instructions for me, Doctor?

Here's something for right now.

I'll give Shirley a
prescription for some more.

Hmm...

When she takes these pills,

don't let her drive or
operate machinery.

Or bowl?

Don't worry, with these pills

she won't feel like
doing anything like that.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Um, are you going
to mail us the bill?

I'll bring it by myself.
I kind of like Laverne.

She's got a great heart.

Yeah.

Good-bye, Doctor.

Bye-bye.

That man saved
your life, Laverne.

Wasn't it nice of him

to come all the way over here

and make a house call?

Verny... Verny, are
you really asleep

or are you trying to
trick me like before?

You really are
asleep, aren't you?

Well, let's just get your
feet up onto the couch,

tuck you in.

Now, how to keep you here.

If I leave you alone, you
will go bowling, I know you.

How am I going to...?

I got it.

"I hid all your clothes so
you couldn't go out and die.

"P.S. Don't eat
the last cupcake.

Love ya, Shirley."

( knocking on door)

Yeah?

Oh, good afternoon.

I'm Sergeant Helena from
the Milwaukee Mercy Mission.

Uh, do you have
anything for the needy?

Uh, I got one cupcake there.

No, no, I meant clothes.

Mr. Ragusa gave us all
these lovely, uh, socks.

Yeah, he's a real sport.

Uh, look, Sergeant,

I'm sort of a little needy
myself at the moment.

Oh, I'd be glad to
talk with you about it.

No, Sergeant,
really... ( coughs)

Oh, my dear,

you really must
take care of yourself.

First, maybe we should
get you some warm clothes.

Warm clothes I wish.

All I got is what's on my back.

Oh, my dear, what happened?

Oh, maybe I can be of some help.

Help?

You got any clothes in there?

Oh, no, so far
I've only got socks,

but maybe the Mission can
provide you with something.

Uh, tell me, how did
you get to be so needy?

Oh, it's a long story, Sergeant.

You see, I was orphaned
at a very early age.

And, uh, my aunts and
uncles all chipped in

and bought me these pajamas.

And, uh...

I'm going to get kicked
out of my apartment

because I can't pay the rent.

I gave all my money to the
neighborhood children and cats.

Oh...

And you were going to
give me your last cupcake.

Yeah...

( ball striking pins)

All right, Mrs. Mackintosh,

take your practice shot.

Now wait a minute.

Is this the lady what's
gonna take over for Laverne?

Yes.

( gasps): We're down the drain.

Don't worry, she'll do fine.

All right, Mrs. Mackintosh,

give it your best roll.

Let's get out of here.

Why don't you just let us
take the trophy home now?

You haven't got a chance.

We're going to win
this tournament, Karen,

for my sick friend Laverne.

Laverne's not sick.
She's a coward.

She's afraid to show up
here and take a beating.

Laverne is here!

She's here!

She's here!

( cheering)

What are you doing
here? You look terrible!

She's okay, she's okay.

She took all the
pills to perk her up.

Those pills do not
make her perky,

they make her jerky.

What is this she's dressed in?

This is what they call
a missionary uniform.

She just had lunch with 20 bums.

Good soup.

Well, I see
Pelican-puss has made it.

Let's get started.

You're going to bowl,
aren't you, Laverne?

Yeah, the team needs you.

No, no, Laverne can't bowl.

Yes, she can.

She can't, she looks terrible.

Let's leave it up to her.

What do you say, Laverne?

Good soup.

There are no holes.

What do you mean
there are no... Thanks.

( screaming)

( rock music plays)

♪ I'm walking ♪

♪ Yes, indeed, I'm talking ♪

♪ 'Bout you and me, I'm hoping ♪

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

♪ And I'm lonely as I can be ♪

♪ And I've waited
for your company ♪

♪ I'm hoping that you'll
come back to me ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
when the well runs dry ♪

( ball thuds)

♪ I'm gonna run
right by your side ♪

♪ For you, pretty baby,
I'd even die, I'm walking ♪

♪ Yes indeed, I'm talking ♪

♪ 'Bout you and me, I'm hoping ♪

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

( saxophone plays solo)

Hey, Karen, you done bad!

Thank you!

Come on, Laverne,
Laverne, Laverne.

Come on now, come
on, this is the last frame.

You got six more pins.

And if you do it, we're winners.

Come on.

I can't get up.

That's it girls, she's
quitting! We win!

( cheering)

She is not quitting.

( softly): Are you quitting?

No, I'm just not walking.

I can't get to the foul line.

Get me to the foul line.

Oh, we'll get her
to the foul line.

Come on, guys.

Get the other side there.

This is exciting.

Yeah, it's just like
Beat the Clock.

Uh... ( sneezes)

SQUIGGY: We only need six pins.

LENNY: Just six pins.

CARMINE: Looking good!

( cheering)

Quiet, quiet! Quiet!

Everybody in the next
room. Drinks are on us!

( cheering)

Well, you won.

Now you can tell Karen

what you been saving
up five years to tell her.

Karen...

Laverne wants to
tell you something.

It's all yours, Laverne.

( blowing)

( blowing)

Shirl... Can't do it?

You want me to do it.

Will you at least
admit that you're sick?

All right.

Karen, Laverne
would just like to say...

that your team
played a fine game.

Better luck next year. Shake.

You see, Laverne,

it's a lot better to
be sportsmanlike.

You understand?

To put the old... ( squeals)

Open your mouth
and close your eyes

and you will get a big surprise.

After what you
did to me tonight?

Boy, you were a jerk.

"Good luck next year. Shake."

Well, if you feel
that way about it,

why don't you pick yourself up,

go over to Karen's house
and do what you have to do.

Because I can't do that.

Not after your sweet
as sugar speech.

Then I'll come off
looking like the bad one,

like I always do.

No, it's got to be
you who does it.

I don't see why. We won.
Isn't that enough for you?

No.

I wanted to get Karen.

Laverne,

I just can't go up to
somebody and go...

( inhales deeply)

I can't do that. I
just can't do that.

Well, then I just can't
take my medicine.

( slurps)

You'll take your medicine.

Sure, go ahead, call the doctor.

Be a squealer.

Tell Harold I won't
take my medicine.

Probably break our
date for the circus.

Hello, Karen?

This is Shirley...
( blows razzberry)

( theme music plays)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪