Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 4 - A Nun's Story - full transcript
The girls are looking forward to their once a year High School reunion. They also are looking forward to seeing their old friend Anne Marie. Much to their horror, Anne Marie is a Catholic nun.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
( whistle blows)
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
This place is failing apart.
Someone took all the toilet
paper out of the ladies' room.
Shirl, why'd you take the paper?
Because I'm making
tiny little carnations
for our high school reunion.
Aren't they festive?
Boy, you're a corker.
Thank you.
You really work
your little heart out
planning these
reunions, don't you?
I do my best.
In the three years
since we graduated,
how many reunions have we had?
Four.
Do you really think people
want that many reunions?
I admit having
two the first year
was a mistake, but
I've learned my lesson.
Uh, how can I say this
without hurting your feelings?
Your reunions stink.
Boy, you really sharpened
your darts today,
didn't you, Laverne?
I'm sorry, but they're
very, very boring.
People love my reunions.
People don't love
your reunions, Shirl,
people avoid your reunions.
How many people
came the first year?
Eighty-five.
And how many
people came last year?
I didn't count.
There were seven.
I didn't count.
There were seven.
Seven people
wearing 25 carnations.
We looked very silly, Shirl.
Well, who knows who
will show up this year?
I know.
The same people who
show up every year.
People I didn't
want to see then,
people I don't want to see now,
and people I don't
ever want to see again.
Hello.
Hi, ladies.
We got our invitations.
Yeah, we're going to be there.
I rest my case.
And, uh, here's another
dart for you, Shirl.
I'm not coming this year.
What do you mean you're
not coming, Laverne?
You have to come.
You're my co-hostess.
How will I explain
it to everybody?
Very simply.
Just talk to them one at a time.
It should take you two minutes.
Where are you
going with my flowers?
To the ladies' room.
No!
I got peanut butter.
What do you got?
Spaghetti.
LAVERNE: I'm not
going to your reunion.
I'm glad you're not going.
I want to come
home from my reunion
and find you here all alone.
And I'll write in my diary
what a wonderful time I had,
and you'll write in your diary,
"Shirley was right,
"I should have
gone to the reunion.
Boy, am I stupid."
I don't even have a diary.
( knocking at door)
You should keep a
diary, for your children.
Why?
It would just be filled
with lies anyway.
Who is it?
It's me, the Big Ragoo.
Hi, girls.
Hi.
I brought your mail, Angel Face.
Thank you.
This must be yours, Laverne.
Oh, great.
Another ad for the removal
of unwanted facial hair.
It's a yes! It's a yes!
I got a yes!
For what?
For the reunion.
Oh, that.
It might be a joke.
This is no joke.
This is from Anne Marie.
Polanski?
I haven't seen her
since graduation.
Whatever happened to her?
She lives in Chicago now.
She's going to be here Saturday.
I remember you
girls used to be like
The Three Stooges.
That's Musketeers.
Oh, was it? Oh.
Anne Marie... what
a crazy girl she was.
Yeah.
Boy, remember the
time she put the ad
in the newspaper
to sell the school?
Hey, I got a great idea.
I'll spread the word around
that the Three Musketeers
are back in action.
That ought to get you
a good turn-out, Shirl.
All right? Great idea, huh?
Good, I'll tell the guys
on the football team
that Anne Marie's back.
You know, she used
to practice with them.
Yeah, I remember she used to be
a lot of fun in the huddle.
Oh, wow, remember
what they used to call us?
Gutsy, Nutsy, and Clutsy.
Boy, remember
the time Anne Marie
and you slept over at my house
and Lenny, Squiggy
and Hector tried to crash?
Yes, oh boy did
I fix their wagons.
You?
You did nothing.
It was all Anne Marie's idea.
Watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch...
Look how good
she does that, Shirl.
( coughing)
You better go open a window.
If my father smells
smoke we're dead,
if we don't die from this first.
( screaming)
Never fails.
Every time we sleep over,
Lenny, Squiggy,
and Hector show up.
Yeah, I'm going to
get a water balloon
and pelt them one
right in the head.
Ah-ah, I can handle this.
Get out of here, creepos!
( screaming)
They got a camera, Anne Marie.
You get that, Hector? Yeah.
Don't waste your flashbulbs.
Wait until they're naked.
I'm-I'm blinded.
I'm calling the police.
The police?
That's all right, just tell them
you're with Life magazine.
Come on, Squiggy.
I'm from Life magazine.
Not them, stupid, the police.
My balloon broke.
Forget about that.
I got a plan.
Listen to this.
Oh, Hector.
You want pictures?
No, no, no, no, I can't.
Or you want to come in here
and let us give you
a little party
you'll never forget.
I'll be right in.
Try the door, Hector.
I'll try the door.
Oh, this is a crazy idea.
It's a great idea.
All you have to do is act sexy.
No. No, I can't.
I'm not allowed.
Shirl, just think about it.
Hector's been bothering
us for years, right?
Right.
He's ruined every
party we've had, right?
Right.
This is the perfect
chance to get even.
Think about it, it'll be a riot.
( giggling)
That's my Shirl.
That's the girl I got kicked
out of the Brownies with.
Come on, sit up and act sexy.
Okay, just get Hector
as crazy as you can, okay?
If you got it, flaunt it.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Boy, you girls
got great pajamas.
Thank you.
We were just discussing
how we'd love to
have some he-man
come by so we could
show him a real good time.
And here you are.
You wouldn't mind
having a real good time,
would you, Hector?
As long as it don't hurt.
You know,
I've always admired
you from afar, Hector.
Sure.
What about Anne
Marie, and Shirley?
What's the matter, Hector?
The three of us
too much for you?
The three of you?
( mumbling)
The three of you, sure.
Okay, get in the
closet and... get ready.
We'll get ready out here.
When should I come out?
Count to 100.
Five, ten, 15, 20...
By ones, Hector.
One, two, three,
four... ( laughing)
We can take his picture
and plaster it all over school.
Boy, that'll teach him
to be a Peeping Tom.
Yeah.
Okay, now let's
all just get ready.
Hi, girls.
( shrieks)
Uh, hi, Pop.
Hi. Hi.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, what are you
doing home so early?
I'm bushed.
Four bowling
leagues, 200 pizzas.
LAVERNE: What
about the inventory?
POP: They ate it.
Uh, well what about
taking inventory
of your pizza trays
or oven paddles?
What, are you crazy?
I'm bushed, I'm
staying home tonight.
( groans)
What are you all standing
there looking so funny?
What have you got,
a guy in the closet?
( laughing)
Oh, boy, you look tired, Pop.
Why don't you go to bed?
Yes, you look all
tired, all drawn out.
LAVERNE: Yeah.
I got to unwind.
I know what I'll do,
I'll turn on Jack Paar.
Uh, no, it's a terrible
show tonight, Pop.
They're doing a
tribute to Jose Melis.
I like Jose Melis.
HECTOR: 97, 98, 99, 100.
What the...?
Let the good times roll!
Hi. I'm from Life magazine.
I'm going to kill you!
( shouting)
Boy, it was Anne Marie's idea
and you got grounded
three months for it.
Yeah, but it was worth it.
Hector never bothered us again.
No.
She's going to
drop by here first.
It's going to be a great reunion
with Anne Marie there.
Are you coming, Laverne?
Yeah, I'm coming.
I knew you'd come
crawling to me,
begging on your knees,
to come to my reunion.
Okay, let's forget
the whole thing.
Oh, no, oh, please, Laverne,
please, please, come.
I won't make you
wear a carnation.
I'm begging you,
please, please...
( pounding)
( knocking at door)
Who is it?
It's Anne Marie, Shirley.
Welcome, Nutsy!
What's new?
( shower running)
ANNE MARIE: Hey... hey, Shirley,
where do you keep the towels?
Uh, they're in the
cabinet, Anne Marie.
The ones with
the "Hotel Pfister"
written on them were gifts.
I said that with a
Bible in my hands!
Did she get here?
Yeah, she's in the bathroom.
Great. Hey, Nutsy!
Laverne, I have to talk
to you for a minute...
Is that you, Laverne?
You bet your buns, it's me.
No, no!
Haul it out here.
I want to take a look at you.
Watch your mouth,
Laverne. Watch your mouth.
What are you talking
about? She loves it.
Hey, I picked up
some extra beer,
in case we get lucky tonight
and pick up some fellas.
Give me that!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Give it to me!
We won't get lucky.
Laverne!
Nutsy, hey!
Oh, you look terrific!
Hey, remember this one?
Fillmore High, we wish you well.
If you don't like it, go to h...
Heck! Heck! Heck!
I-I... Yeah, I
remember that one.
Boy, Anne Marie, you
haven't changed a bit.
Oh yes, yes, she's changed...
She's changed, Laverne.
What are you talking about?
Old love 'em and
leave 'em Polanski?
I bet in Chicago there's a lot
of the old vo-de-oh-do-do, huh?
Vo-de-oh-do-do... I'm a nun.
( laughs)
Nutsy's a nun, right?
( laughs)
What a kidder she is!
I really am a nun, Laverne.
Ho, ho, ho... A nun.
She's a nun, Shirl.
A nun!
A nun... A nun's nice.
Uh... did you see
our shrine here?
Look, I know it's
kind of a surprise.
Oh, no.
Don't let it bother you.
Oh, no.
I think I'll go get dressed.
Be ready in a few minutes.
( door shuts)
( groaning)
I just said, "bet
your buns" to a nun.
Is that a sin?
It's out of my
hands now, Laverne.
Boy, this is going to
be some great reunion.
Everyone's going
to really have a ball
strolling down
memory lane with a nun.
( cheering)
CARMINE ( shouting): Hey, hey...
California orange, Texas cactus.
We play your team
just for practice!
( cheering)
( whistles)
Boy, I tell you, the old class
is really excited about
seeing Anne Marie again.
Whoo!
Yeah, see, I tell you something.
When I see Anne Marie,
I'm going to ask her to dance.
She ain't gonna dance with you.
Oh yeah? You want to bet?
Yeah, I'll bet you five dollars
she don't dance with you.
Five dollars! That's my
hair tonic money for a month!
Chicken!
( clucking)
All right, all right! ( yells)
All right, it's a bet.
Welcome. Welcome, Class of '56.
( cheering)
Everyone remembers Anne Marie.
( cheering)
( cheering stops)
Hi.
Hi, Anne Marie.
Want to dance?
♪ Pretend you're happy
when you're blue ♪
Thank you.
♪ It isn't very hard to do ♪
See, I was right.
This is my best reunion ever.
Can't you see what's
going on, Shirl?
Nobody is having a good time.
Look at poor Squiggy.
It breaks my heart
to see him like that.
He's having fun.
Everybody's having fun.
It's just a different
kind of fun.
What kind of fun?
The kind where you walk
out, get on a bus and leave?
'Cause that's what
they're all doing, Shirl.
They said they'd be back
right after the movie was over.
Face it, Shirl, everyone feels
uncomfortable around Anne Marie.
That's why no one
is talking to her.
Lenny's talking to her.
He's confessing.
I copped a yo-yo from
Spencer's department store.
That's when I was 11.
Then I cheated on a
hygiene quiz in ninth grade.
That may not count,
'cause I flunked it anyway.
I think I'm okay
for the tenth grade,
'cause I was out the
whole year with ringworm.
Excuse me, Leonard.
Oh, you can't catch
it from me now.
I used that yellow soap...
Uh, Lenny, nuns
don't hear confessions.
Oh. Well, could you
pass this on to a priest?
What's the matter, Anne Marie?
I think I'd better leave.
I'm throwing a real
damper on this party.
Oh, no... You happy now?
You depressed a nun.
Oh... Let's go.
No, no, no, wait.
The fun's barely begun.
I've got an idea.
And now, presenting
"The Alma Mater."
Let's all stand up, join hands,
and sing "The Alma Mater."
Come on!
♪ Hail to thee, my alma mater ♪
♪ Fillmore Millard High ♪
♪ We salute thee, alma mater ♪
♪ As the years roll by ♪
♪ Onward, onward,
to the future ♪
♪ Letting freedom ring ♪
♪ 'Tis to thee, our
gold and purple ♪
♪ That we ever sing ♪
♪ O'er the years
we'll oft remember ♪
♪ Passing through
your sacred halls ♪
♪ Gold and purple,
we adore thee ♪
♪ Fillmore High, my life ♪
♪ My all. ♪
Oh, memories.
HECTOR: 94, 95... What's that?
96, 97, 98... Oh, I forgot!
99, 100.
Hey, Anne Marie, remember this?
Life magazine!
I remember you! I remember...!
Where's Anne Marie?
She stopped by the church.
She's dropping Lenny off.
Did you know she
was leaving tonight?
I know she's leaving tonight.
She told me this afternoon.
I'd like to thank you,
Laverne, for making this
the most humiliating
evening of my entire life.
Look, when I heard
Anne Marie was coming,
I called up Hector.
It seemed like a natural.
Did I know she was
going to become a nun?
Then in all the excitement,
I forgot to call it off.
Things were going
so well up until then.
Does your balloon
ever land, Shirley?
Things were going
crummy up until then.
And you want to know the truth?
Hector saved your reunion.
At least the people had a laugh.
Sure, they had a laugh.
A guy comes out in his
shorts, everybody laughs.
That's right,
because it was funny.
Especially those
shorts that he wore.
( giggling)
Did you realize those
were the same shorts
he wore four years ago?
Where he finds shorts with
those little valentines on them,
I'll never know.
And then when my father
chased him into the bowling alley...
He slid all the
way down alley 12!
Oh, that must have hurt.
( both laughing)
Oh, I just feel rotten.
What's the matter?
We were just laughing.
I'm laughing at the same
things I laughed at four years ago.
Yeah, because
they're still funny.
But don't you see, Laverne?
Compared to Anne Marie,
I haven't grown
one bit as a human.
I mean, she went to
Chicago and became a nun.
I stayed in Milwaukee
and became a bimbo.
You're no bimbo, Shirl.
Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.
She's a nun!
Compared to her, Eleanor
Roosevelt's a bimbo.
I'm going to tell her
that we're weekend nurses.
Look, Shirl, if you want to be
ashamed of yourself,
you go right ahead.
But I'm not going to
be ashamed of myself.
Anne Marie was just
like we used to be.
Worse! She was worse
than we used to be.
But Laverne, don't you
see? She made up for it.
I mean, dedicating her
whole life to helping others.
Am I interrupting?
Oh, no, no. Oh, Anne Marie,
I'm so sorry you're
leaving tonight. Oh...
I feel so terrible
about this evening.
There's no need to apologize.
People act very strange when they
meet an old friend who's become a nun.
Anne Marie, can I
ask you something?
Sure.
Why did you do that?
After I graduated
from high school,
I moved to Chicago,
and I got the calling.
Uh... I'm sorry, girls.
I can't explain it any better.
That's the way it happens.
It was the best way for me
to serve God and people, too.
We're weekend nurses.
Uh, I thought you
worked in a brewery.
Yes, yes, I admit it.
We've wasted our lives.
We still laugh at... at...
at Hector's undershorts.
Oh, we should have become nuns.
Hector's undershorts
are funny, Shirley.
Yeah.
Oh, look, I don't think God
wants everyone to become nuns.
You should be
proud of your work.
I'm not ashamed of the old days.
Me, neither.
It's just that being a nun
is what makes me happy.
And everybody should be happy,
on their own terms.
And everybody should
be nice to each other.
( car horn honks)
Oh, that must be my cab.
I'll be back in town
on Thanksgiving. Oh...
And I'll see you then? Okay.
Okay. Yes.
Well... good-bye.
Can we hug you?
You bet your buns, you can.
You know, Laverne,
we should remember
what Anne Marie said
about being nice to each other.
Yeah. Shirl?
I'm sorry I said
your reunions stink.
You're a good person, Laverne.
Thanks.
And next year I won't
give you a hard time,
and I'll be there with you.
Great!
I've got a lot of good ideas
about next year's reunion.
I'm going to do a daisy theme.
No more carnations.
I've got all this
yellow tissue paper
I've been saving up
off of clothes hangars
in my bedroom. Come on!
If we start now,
by June we can have
a thousand of 'em.
Boy, being a good
person is not easy.
Daisies!
To be a good person,
to not be a good person...
to be a good person,
to be a bad person...
to be a good person...
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
( whistle blows)
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
This place is failing apart.
Someone took all the toilet
paper out of the ladies' room.
Shirl, why'd you take the paper?
Because I'm making
tiny little carnations
for our high school reunion.
Aren't they festive?
Boy, you're a corker.
Thank you.
You really work
your little heart out
planning these
reunions, don't you?
I do my best.
In the three years
since we graduated,
how many reunions have we had?
Four.
Do you really think people
want that many reunions?
I admit having
two the first year
was a mistake, but
I've learned my lesson.
Uh, how can I say this
without hurting your feelings?
Your reunions stink.
Boy, you really sharpened
your darts today,
didn't you, Laverne?
I'm sorry, but they're
very, very boring.
People love my reunions.
People don't love
your reunions, Shirl,
people avoid your reunions.
How many people
came the first year?
Eighty-five.
And how many
people came last year?
I didn't count.
There were seven.
I didn't count.
There were seven.
Seven people
wearing 25 carnations.
We looked very silly, Shirl.
Well, who knows who
will show up this year?
I know.
The same people who
show up every year.
People I didn't
want to see then,
people I don't want to see now,
and people I don't
ever want to see again.
Hello.
Hi, ladies.
We got our invitations.
Yeah, we're going to be there.
I rest my case.
And, uh, here's another
dart for you, Shirl.
I'm not coming this year.
What do you mean you're
not coming, Laverne?
You have to come.
You're my co-hostess.
How will I explain
it to everybody?
Very simply.
Just talk to them one at a time.
It should take you two minutes.
Where are you
going with my flowers?
To the ladies' room.
No!
I got peanut butter.
What do you got?
Spaghetti.
LAVERNE: I'm not
going to your reunion.
I'm glad you're not going.
I want to come
home from my reunion
and find you here all alone.
And I'll write in my diary
what a wonderful time I had,
and you'll write in your diary,
"Shirley was right,
"I should have
gone to the reunion.
Boy, am I stupid."
I don't even have a diary.
( knocking at door)
You should keep a
diary, for your children.
Why?
It would just be filled
with lies anyway.
Who is it?
It's me, the Big Ragoo.
Hi, girls.
Hi.
I brought your mail, Angel Face.
Thank you.
This must be yours, Laverne.
Oh, great.
Another ad for the removal
of unwanted facial hair.
It's a yes! It's a yes!
I got a yes!
For what?
For the reunion.
Oh, that.
It might be a joke.
This is no joke.
This is from Anne Marie.
Polanski?
I haven't seen her
since graduation.
Whatever happened to her?
She lives in Chicago now.
She's going to be here Saturday.
I remember you
girls used to be like
The Three Stooges.
That's Musketeers.
Oh, was it? Oh.
Anne Marie... what
a crazy girl she was.
Yeah.
Boy, remember the
time she put the ad
in the newspaper
to sell the school?
Hey, I got a great idea.
I'll spread the word around
that the Three Musketeers
are back in action.
That ought to get you
a good turn-out, Shirl.
All right? Great idea, huh?
Good, I'll tell the guys
on the football team
that Anne Marie's back.
You know, she used
to practice with them.
Yeah, I remember she used to be
a lot of fun in the huddle.
Oh, wow, remember
what they used to call us?
Gutsy, Nutsy, and Clutsy.
Boy, remember
the time Anne Marie
and you slept over at my house
and Lenny, Squiggy
and Hector tried to crash?
Yes, oh boy did
I fix their wagons.
You?
You did nothing.
It was all Anne Marie's idea.
Watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch her, watch her,
watch her, watch...
Look how good
she does that, Shirl.
( coughing)
You better go open a window.
If my father smells
smoke we're dead,
if we don't die from this first.
( screaming)
Never fails.
Every time we sleep over,
Lenny, Squiggy,
and Hector show up.
Yeah, I'm going to
get a water balloon
and pelt them one
right in the head.
Ah-ah, I can handle this.
Get out of here, creepos!
( screaming)
They got a camera, Anne Marie.
You get that, Hector? Yeah.
Don't waste your flashbulbs.
Wait until they're naked.
I'm-I'm blinded.
I'm calling the police.
The police?
That's all right, just tell them
you're with Life magazine.
Come on, Squiggy.
I'm from Life magazine.
Not them, stupid, the police.
My balloon broke.
Forget about that.
I got a plan.
Listen to this.
Oh, Hector.
You want pictures?
No, no, no, no, I can't.
Or you want to come in here
and let us give you
a little party
you'll never forget.
I'll be right in.
Try the door, Hector.
I'll try the door.
Oh, this is a crazy idea.
It's a great idea.
All you have to do is act sexy.
No. No, I can't.
I'm not allowed.
Shirl, just think about it.
Hector's been bothering
us for years, right?
Right.
He's ruined every
party we've had, right?
Right.
This is the perfect
chance to get even.
Think about it, it'll be a riot.
( giggling)
That's my Shirl.
That's the girl I got kicked
out of the Brownies with.
Come on, sit up and act sexy.
Okay, just get Hector
as crazy as you can, okay?
If you got it, flaunt it.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Boy, you girls
got great pajamas.
Thank you.
We were just discussing
how we'd love to
have some he-man
come by so we could
show him a real good time.
And here you are.
You wouldn't mind
having a real good time,
would you, Hector?
As long as it don't hurt.
You know,
I've always admired
you from afar, Hector.
Sure.
What about Anne
Marie, and Shirley?
What's the matter, Hector?
The three of us
too much for you?
The three of you?
( mumbling)
The three of you, sure.
Okay, get in the
closet and... get ready.
We'll get ready out here.
When should I come out?
Count to 100.
Five, ten, 15, 20...
By ones, Hector.
One, two, three,
four... ( laughing)
We can take his picture
and plaster it all over school.
Boy, that'll teach him
to be a Peeping Tom.
Yeah.
Okay, now let's
all just get ready.
Hi, girls.
( shrieks)
Uh, hi, Pop.
Hi. Hi.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, what are you
doing home so early?
I'm bushed.
Four bowling
leagues, 200 pizzas.
LAVERNE: What
about the inventory?
POP: They ate it.
Uh, well what about
taking inventory
of your pizza trays
or oven paddles?
What, are you crazy?
I'm bushed, I'm
staying home tonight.
( groans)
What are you all standing
there looking so funny?
What have you got,
a guy in the closet?
( laughing)
Oh, boy, you look tired, Pop.
Why don't you go to bed?
Yes, you look all
tired, all drawn out.
LAVERNE: Yeah.
I got to unwind.
I know what I'll do,
I'll turn on Jack Paar.
Uh, no, it's a terrible
show tonight, Pop.
They're doing a
tribute to Jose Melis.
I like Jose Melis.
HECTOR: 97, 98, 99, 100.
What the...?
Let the good times roll!
Hi. I'm from Life magazine.
I'm going to kill you!
( shouting)
Boy, it was Anne Marie's idea
and you got grounded
three months for it.
Yeah, but it was worth it.
Hector never bothered us again.
No.
She's going to
drop by here first.
It's going to be a great reunion
with Anne Marie there.
Are you coming, Laverne?
Yeah, I'm coming.
I knew you'd come
crawling to me,
begging on your knees,
to come to my reunion.
Okay, let's forget
the whole thing.
Oh, no, oh, please, Laverne,
please, please, come.
I won't make you
wear a carnation.
I'm begging you,
please, please...
( pounding)
( knocking at door)
Who is it?
It's Anne Marie, Shirley.
Welcome, Nutsy!
What's new?
( shower running)
ANNE MARIE: Hey... hey, Shirley,
where do you keep the towels?
Uh, they're in the
cabinet, Anne Marie.
The ones with
the "Hotel Pfister"
written on them were gifts.
I said that with a
Bible in my hands!
Did she get here?
Yeah, she's in the bathroom.
Great. Hey, Nutsy!
Laverne, I have to talk
to you for a minute...
Is that you, Laverne?
You bet your buns, it's me.
No, no!
Haul it out here.
I want to take a look at you.
Watch your mouth,
Laverne. Watch your mouth.
What are you talking
about? She loves it.
Hey, I picked up
some extra beer,
in case we get lucky tonight
and pick up some fellas.
Give me that!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Give it to me!
We won't get lucky.
Laverne!
Nutsy, hey!
Oh, you look terrific!
Hey, remember this one?
Fillmore High, we wish you well.
If you don't like it, go to h...
Heck! Heck! Heck!
I-I... Yeah, I
remember that one.
Boy, Anne Marie, you
haven't changed a bit.
Oh yes, yes, she's changed...
She's changed, Laverne.
What are you talking about?
Old love 'em and
leave 'em Polanski?
I bet in Chicago there's a lot
of the old vo-de-oh-do-do, huh?
Vo-de-oh-do-do... I'm a nun.
( laughs)
Nutsy's a nun, right?
( laughs)
What a kidder she is!
I really am a nun, Laverne.
Ho, ho, ho... A nun.
She's a nun, Shirl.
A nun!
A nun... A nun's nice.
Uh... did you see
our shrine here?
Look, I know it's
kind of a surprise.
Oh, no.
Don't let it bother you.
Oh, no.
I think I'll go get dressed.
Be ready in a few minutes.
( door shuts)
( groaning)
I just said, "bet
your buns" to a nun.
Is that a sin?
It's out of my
hands now, Laverne.
Boy, this is going to
be some great reunion.
Everyone's going
to really have a ball
strolling down
memory lane with a nun.
( cheering)
CARMINE ( shouting): Hey, hey...
California orange, Texas cactus.
We play your team
just for practice!
( cheering)
( whistles)
Boy, I tell you, the old class
is really excited about
seeing Anne Marie again.
Whoo!
Yeah, see, I tell you something.
When I see Anne Marie,
I'm going to ask her to dance.
She ain't gonna dance with you.
Oh yeah? You want to bet?
Yeah, I'll bet you five dollars
she don't dance with you.
Five dollars! That's my
hair tonic money for a month!
Chicken!
( clucking)
All right, all right! ( yells)
All right, it's a bet.
Welcome. Welcome, Class of '56.
( cheering)
Everyone remembers Anne Marie.
( cheering)
( cheering stops)
Hi.
Hi, Anne Marie.
Want to dance?
♪ Pretend you're happy
when you're blue ♪
Thank you.
♪ It isn't very hard to do ♪
See, I was right.
This is my best reunion ever.
Can't you see what's
going on, Shirl?
Nobody is having a good time.
Look at poor Squiggy.
It breaks my heart
to see him like that.
He's having fun.
Everybody's having fun.
It's just a different
kind of fun.
What kind of fun?
The kind where you walk
out, get on a bus and leave?
'Cause that's what
they're all doing, Shirl.
They said they'd be back
right after the movie was over.
Face it, Shirl, everyone feels
uncomfortable around Anne Marie.
That's why no one
is talking to her.
Lenny's talking to her.
He's confessing.
I copped a yo-yo from
Spencer's department store.
That's when I was 11.
Then I cheated on a
hygiene quiz in ninth grade.
That may not count,
'cause I flunked it anyway.
I think I'm okay
for the tenth grade,
'cause I was out the
whole year with ringworm.
Excuse me, Leonard.
Oh, you can't catch
it from me now.
I used that yellow soap...
Uh, Lenny, nuns
don't hear confessions.
Oh. Well, could you
pass this on to a priest?
What's the matter, Anne Marie?
I think I'd better leave.
I'm throwing a real
damper on this party.
Oh, no... You happy now?
You depressed a nun.
Oh... Let's go.
No, no, no, wait.
The fun's barely begun.
I've got an idea.
And now, presenting
"The Alma Mater."
Let's all stand up, join hands,
and sing "The Alma Mater."
Come on!
♪ Hail to thee, my alma mater ♪
♪ Fillmore Millard High ♪
♪ We salute thee, alma mater ♪
♪ As the years roll by ♪
♪ Onward, onward,
to the future ♪
♪ Letting freedom ring ♪
♪ 'Tis to thee, our
gold and purple ♪
♪ That we ever sing ♪
♪ O'er the years
we'll oft remember ♪
♪ Passing through
your sacred halls ♪
♪ Gold and purple,
we adore thee ♪
♪ Fillmore High, my life ♪
♪ My all. ♪
Oh, memories.
HECTOR: 94, 95... What's that?
96, 97, 98... Oh, I forgot!
99, 100.
Hey, Anne Marie, remember this?
Life magazine!
I remember you! I remember...!
Where's Anne Marie?
She stopped by the church.
She's dropping Lenny off.
Did you know she
was leaving tonight?
I know she's leaving tonight.
She told me this afternoon.
I'd like to thank you,
Laverne, for making this
the most humiliating
evening of my entire life.
Look, when I heard
Anne Marie was coming,
I called up Hector.
It seemed like a natural.
Did I know she was
going to become a nun?
Then in all the excitement,
I forgot to call it off.
Things were going
so well up until then.
Does your balloon
ever land, Shirley?
Things were going
crummy up until then.
And you want to know the truth?
Hector saved your reunion.
At least the people had a laugh.
Sure, they had a laugh.
A guy comes out in his
shorts, everybody laughs.
That's right,
because it was funny.
Especially those
shorts that he wore.
( giggling)
Did you realize those
were the same shorts
he wore four years ago?
Where he finds shorts with
those little valentines on them,
I'll never know.
And then when my father
chased him into the bowling alley...
He slid all the
way down alley 12!
Oh, that must have hurt.
( both laughing)
Oh, I just feel rotten.
What's the matter?
We were just laughing.
I'm laughing at the same
things I laughed at four years ago.
Yeah, because
they're still funny.
But don't you see, Laverne?
Compared to Anne Marie,
I haven't grown
one bit as a human.
I mean, she went to
Chicago and became a nun.
I stayed in Milwaukee
and became a bimbo.
You're no bimbo, Shirl.
Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.
She's a nun!
Compared to her, Eleanor
Roosevelt's a bimbo.
I'm going to tell her
that we're weekend nurses.
Look, Shirl, if you want to be
ashamed of yourself,
you go right ahead.
But I'm not going to
be ashamed of myself.
Anne Marie was just
like we used to be.
Worse! She was worse
than we used to be.
But Laverne, don't you
see? She made up for it.
I mean, dedicating her
whole life to helping others.
Am I interrupting?
Oh, no, no. Oh, Anne Marie,
I'm so sorry you're
leaving tonight. Oh...
I feel so terrible
about this evening.
There's no need to apologize.
People act very strange when they
meet an old friend who's become a nun.
Anne Marie, can I
ask you something?
Sure.
Why did you do that?
After I graduated
from high school,
I moved to Chicago,
and I got the calling.
Uh... I'm sorry, girls.
I can't explain it any better.
That's the way it happens.
It was the best way for me
to serve God and people, too.
We're weekend nurses.
Uh, I thought you
worked in a brewery.
Yes, yes, I admit it.
We've wasted our lives.
We still laugh at... at...
at Hector's undershorts.
Oh, we should have become nuns.
Hector's undershorts
are funny, Shirley.
Yeah.
Oh, look, I don't think God
wants everyone to become nuns.
You should be
proud of your work.
I'm not ashamed of the old days.
Me, neither.
It's just that being a nun
is what makes me happy.
And everybody should be happy,
on their own terms.
And everybody should
be nice to each other.
( car horn honks)
Oh, that must be my cab.
I'll be back in town
on Thanksgiving. Oh...
And I'll see you then? Okay.
Okay. Yes.
Well... good-bye.
Can we hug you?
You bet your buns, you can.
You know, Laverne,
we should remember
what Anne Marie said
about being nice to each other.
Yeah. Shirl?
I'm sorry I said
your reunions stink.
You're a good person, Laverne.
Thanks.
And next year I won't
give you a hard time,
and I'll be there with you.
Great!
I've got a lot of good ideas
about next year's reunion.
I'm going to do a daisy theme.
No more carnations.
I've got all this
yellow tissue paper
I've been saving up
off of clothes hangars
in my bedroom. Come on!
If we start now,
by June we can have
a thousand of 'em.
Boy, being a good
person is not easy.
Daisies!
To be a good person,
to not be a good person...
to be a good person,
to be a bad person...
to be a good person...
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪