Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Bachelor Party - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪



♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doing it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

MAN ON P.A.: Your
attention, please.

Will Laverne De DeFazio

please report to the
Administration Office.

Girls, did you hear?

Laverne got called up to the
Administration office this morning.

Do you know what happened?

Have you seen her?

No.

Now, why would
they call her up there?

Hi, Shirl.

Oh, Laverne, thank goodness.

My heart's in my mouth.

I couldn't even
finish my sandwich.

Why, what happened?

No, not me... you.

Me? Yes, you.

You got called to the
Administration Office.

Oh, I know.

Oh, you poor thing.

You're taking it so well.

They fired you right
in the middle of lunch.

They didn't fire me.

Don't keep it from me, Laverne.

That's the only reason

they ever call anyone up there.

I was not fired.

Really?

Really.

You weren't fired?

Nah. Oh, good.

They fired me!

That's it.

They want you to tell me,

because they think
I can't handle it.

It's because of the
time I let the vats...

Now will you listen
to me for a minute?

I was not fired and
you were not fired.

You got that?

Bite... chew...

That's the trouble
with you, Shirl...

You overreact.

I get called up to the
Administration Office

and, right away, you think

it's some kind of catastrophe.

What did happen?

There was a death in my family.

Oh, Laverne, no!

Does the whole brewery
have to know my business?

You under control?

Open.

Who was it?

My Uncle Nunzio
from Long Island.

Oh, no. An uncle.

I got to get something to eat.

You're going to eat
at a time like this?

I'm hungry.

But Laverne, an uncle?

That's close.

Well, it was actually
my father's uncle.

I visited him once
when I was seven.

I sat in his chair,

and he said, "Hey,
get outta there."

Pulled me up by the ears.

That's not close. It's violent.

How old was he?

94.

It was his time, Shirl.

Now remind me...
on the way home,

my father wants me to
stop at the Pizza Bowl.

Families should be
together in times of grief.

The only grief my father has

is that he has to go to
the funeral this weekend

and leave me in
charge of the business.

I think I'll get a soda.

Well, you've been charge
of the Pizza Bowl before.

You remember that
time your father had

his appendix out?

Yeah, it was a disaster.

A fight broke out

and the place was
nearly wrecked.

He's still blaming me for that.

How can he blame
you for a fight?

I kinda started it.

Would you look at that?

It's dripping and
no cup came out.

The machine drank my soda.

Would you...?

How you doing?

How you doing, my
delicate little miss?

Oh, I'm all right now.

I had a bellyache last night.

I ate a can of wax beans...

Whoa-whoa-whoa...

Listen, I was just being nice.

I don't have time to
listen to that now, okay?

Hi, Fonz.

FONZIE: Listen,
where's your father?

Uh, he's out of
town till Monday.

Oh, Monday. That's bad.

Why? What's the matter?

Maybe I can help.

I'm in charge of the business.

No kiddin'. Yeah?

All right, Milo Ferguson...
You know him, right?

LAVERNE: Yeah.

The guy who pumps up
balls at the schoolyard?

Yeah, that's right...
The park attendant.

Anyway, he's
getting married, see?

LAVERNE: To who?
Who'd married him?

Some chick that
had a flat volleyball.

They say it was
love at first pump.

All right, anyway, anyway...

I want to throw him a party...

A bachelor party...

And this is the perfect place.

Can you dig it?
The perfect place.

So what do I do with
all my customers?

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's after hours. The
customers leave.

We come in, have a few pizzas...

Out of the question.

Who made you a partner?

Laverne, a bachelor party.

Do you know what
goes on at those things?

No, do you? Yes, I do.

My brothers have
told me stories...

Hey, hey, girls!

Girls, remember me?

I asked a question;
I need an answer.

I need time to
put up the screen.

Did you hear that, Laverne?
A screen... a movie screen.

I got ears, I got ears.

Uh, Shirley...

Shirley, the guys
chipped in $50.

It's all yours if we
can use the place.

You pay extra for the beer.

You put in the pizza.

Deal. Deal.

Laverne! Laverne! Shh...

All right, listen, I got

to go now. I want to tell you,

Milo's gonna love this.

His first party since
he got paroled.

Aww!

Shirley, I gotta go...

right after I pick
up that spare.

What is the matter with you?

Look at what you
did. I did good.

What is the matter with you?

A bachelor party
is not doing good.

My brothers used
to go to those things.

They would smile
for weeks afterwards.

Shirl, you're
overreacting again,

just like you did with
my Uncle Nunzio.

Don't you understand that
this could be my last chance

to prove to my father
that I'm not useless?

I got 50 bucks here.

Tainted money. Tainted money!

But it's tainted
money out of the blue.

Oh, Shirl, just think of
the look on my father's face

when he comes home and I say,

"Hi, Pop. I made this for you...

"your daughter, not your son...

"your daughter.

The one you always
used to call 'Dopey'".

He was right.

Only a dope would turn
her father's restaurant

into a palace of
sin... a den of "iquity."

Will you go home?

A... a pot of flesh.

Will you just go home?

Did I say, "palace of sin"?

You have no head for business,
you Miss Goody Two-Shoes.

Hey, the Big Ragoo is here.

Hey, Carmine, it's
Saturday afternoon.

How come you're
not down at the gym?

I was.

I boxed a few rounds,
did a little roadwork.

I'm in great shape.

Hey, Carmine, don't
break anything, huh?

Oh, I only break
things in the ring.

Hey, Fonzie just told me

we're going to have a little
bash here tomorrow night.

Give Milo one
last fling in there.

Yeah, right after
closing. Oh, yeah?

Who's going to make the
pizzas and wait on the tables?

Uh... Lorenzo and Mary.

You're kidding.

No, why?

Why?

Don't you remember when...

Hey, hey, Squiggy and
Lenny, you two clowns...

Tell Vernie here what happened

when Lorenzo and Mary
were asked to work overtime.

Are you kidding?

They threatened to quit.

Yeah, Lorenzo threw a
big blob of dough in his face.

They don't work overtime.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hey, Lorenzo, Mary,

can I talk to you for a minute?

CARMINE: Watch this.

How would you guys like
to earn a little overtime?

Forget it, sorry.

Forget it.

Told her.

Boy, has she got a problem.

Well, at least she
didn't get a blob of dough

in her face.

Carmine, I've got to get
someone to help me out.

Hey, why don't you ask Shirley,

my little angel face,
to help you, hmm?

Your little angel
face thinks I'm crazy

for having this party.

She says it's going
to be a palace of sin.

That's the problem with Shirley.

She don't understand fun.

I mean, she never
comes to see me box.

I mean, if she did, I'd win.

She doesn't know
how to loosen up.

Calm down, Carmine.

Well, I can't just
talk her into doing it.

Hey, Carmine, how do you
talk her into doing things?

Oh, I don't talk her into much,

but she's a sucker
for my Tony Bennett.

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches... ♪

It knocks her out.

Thanks, Carmine, I'll
think of something else.

Well, it works for me.

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches ♪

♪ You know, you... ♪

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches... ♪

Nah, I'll think of
something else.

Hi, Shirl.

I thought you weren't
coming home for dinner.

I changed my mind.

I wanted to come home

and apologize for the
names I called you,

and to bring you a surprise...

A nice, hot pizza for dinner...

On the house.

Oh, Laverne, that's nice.

Oh, just a gesture of friendship

from one friend
to another friend.

Pepperoni and
onion... My favorite.

Why shouldn't you
have your favorite?

Here let me do all that.

You just sit down and eat.

You're allergic to onions.

You'll break out.

A friend can break
out for a friend.

You're a good person, Laverne.

I know.

You know, Shirl... ( chuckling)

you know what I was
thinking about today?

It cracked me up.

Remember that time we went to
the beach together, you and me,

and you cut your foot
on a seashell, huh?

You remember that?

And you were bleeding
all over the place,

and I had to carry you
all the way to the car?

You remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

Good.

Well, I guess if I cut
my foot on a seashell,

you'd carry me all the
way to the car, too, huh?

You bet I would.

You know, Shirl... I think
I'd do anything for you.

That's nice of you
to say, Laverne.

And I guess you'd do
anything for me, too, huh?

You know I would.

Lorenzo and Mary can't work

the bachelor party
tomorrow night.

You're going to
be all alone, huh?

Yeah, all alone.

Well, you better get used to it,

'cause I'm not
gonna be there either.

Why?

Because it serves you right.

I should've dropped
you on the beach.

Oh... trying to bribe
me with onion pizzas.

Well, I can't sing
like Tony Bennett.

You had this planned all along.

Even when you were carrying
me up that beach, you knew.

How could I know?

We were 12 years old.

You knew.

Okay, Shirl.

No more onions, no
more beach stories...

Just straight talk.

( crying): Shirley, I need you

at this party the worst way.

All right, all right, all right.

If I do this, what
do I have to do?

Practically nothing.

I'll make the pizzas,
you serve the pizzas.

I don't know. I just don't...

Please, Shirley...

All right, all right, but I
can feel it in my bones.

This is going to be
one smutty affair.

Whatever they do,
we'll just ignore it.

All right, I'll ignore it.

Believe me, it's not
going to be that bad.

And who knows, you may
even be pleasantly surprised.

( boisterous shouting)

( phone ringing)

( shouting and laughter)

Whoa.

I tell you something, that's
enough beer for anybody.

( all shouting in agreement)

Hey, how about some more pizza?

( cheering)

LAVERNE: Fonzie!

There's a phone call for you.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Hey, Milo, how are
you enjoying your party?

( laughter)

LAVERNE: Fonzie,
it's a girl. She's waiting.

It's a girl. They never
leave me alone, you know?

Thanks a lot.

How's everything going?

Oh, just peachy.

What's under the cloth?

LAVERNE: Uh,
that's Fonzie's present

for Milo... don't
ask questions, Shirl.

I knew it. More smut.

Do the guys really want
more pizza? Are you kidding?

Lenny and Squiggy
are eating their napkins.

Oh, well, I'm all out of dough.

Okay, Shirl, here, run
out and go buy some.

Where, at an
all-night dough store?

Okay, run down the street

and buy some pizzas...
Just hurry up, huh?

Anything to get out
of here for a minute.

Stay away from those savages!

Don't touch me! Heyyy!

Sorry.

Let me ask you a question.

How much insurance
you got on this place?

I don't know. Why?

Because, when I tell those
guys what I got to tell those guys,

they're gonna
become very unruly.

What are you gonna tell them?

Come here.

Hey, it's show time!

( all cheering)

( cheering stops)

Sit down.

Don't get yourselves in
an uproar. Not yet, huh?

Now, uh, see, that was, uh,
that was Dee Dee on the phone.

Who's Dee Dee?
Dee Dee was the chick

that was gonna come
out of this cake, see?

What happened to her? ( sighs)

She broke her arm
climbing out of a pie.

Well, just get someone else.

You know a million girls.

I know a million girls,
and they draw the line

at coming out of cakes.

How unruly can these guys get?

Yeah, well, I'm gonna show you.

Hey, guys, listen up to
me. Here... here we go.

Now, there is a slight
chance... A very slight chance...

That there's no girl gonna
come out of that cake. Heyyy!

( others groaning)

Let's break the chairs!

No, let's break the tables!

Let's break the
tables with the chairs!

GUYS: Yeah!

FONZIE: Cool it!

( shouting stops)

It is just a rumor.

Hey. Oh...

Now, there is, uh, there is
one way out of this, Laverne.

I got to get into that cake?

Oh, you're gonna be terrific.

Fonz... Oh, come
on, I got a costume

for you. It's gonna
hug your legs... Fonz!

Come on, listen, all
right, I'll tell you something.

These guys now are
planning how to get that oven

out of the wall onto the
street to run over it with a car.

Give me the costume.
Yeah, good. Come on.

You're gonna get
into this... huh?

( all talking)

You're gonna be fabulous.

Thanks.

Listen up, listen
up, my friends, huh?

It is game time... that means,

we go in the other room
and we bowl two frames.

The winner gets an entire
deck of French cards.

( guys ooh-ing) Deuces are wild,

if you receive my drift.

( all talking)

I didn't receive his drift.

What does he mean,
deuces are wild?

In France, everything
is wild. Oh, yeah?

We got to drive up there.

I'll get a map at
the gas station.

( humming)

Look, I'm in show business.

Laverne, they were closed.

I couldn't get anything.

Forget that. Go in the
back and get me a ladder.

Go in the b...
What's the matter,

did those heathens
break something?

Not yet... just
get me the ladder.

Laverne, what are you gonna do?

Nothing.

Laverne, are you
getting into that cake?

In this?!

It's got a sash.

Are you a sick girl?!
Are you a sick girl?!

I got no choice; they're
gonna wreck the place.

Didn't I tell you
this would happen?!

Oh, don't start with
the I-told-you-so's, Shirl.

Go in the back and
get me the ladder!

Laverne, as of this moment,
I have lost all respect for you.

Hold it. I can't
get in that cake.

Good girl. You saw the light.

Good girl. No,
no. I saw the label.

It's a size five;
I'm a size ten.

Good, good, good! You
weren't built for smut!

Good, good!

What good? I'm in trouble.

Oh, why couldn't
I be a size five?

'Cause you eat too much.

You don't know how to
turn down desserts, like me.

This mess! Where did they go?

Gonna steal some
of your father's things?

Oh, who knows?

I hate all of them.
You a size five?

You know I am.

You could get into this costume?

In a minute. I...

Stay away from me
with that costume.

There's two bucks in it for
you. Don't touch me with it.

♪ If I could go from
rags to riches... ♪

Oh, please, Shirl!
Please! Please!

It won't work.
Won't work, Laverne.

Okay, forget it.

Good.

Tomorrow my father
will come home.

He'll look out in the street.

He'll see his pizza oven...

Under Milo's Pontiac.

He'll go back to
calling me "Dopey."

Well, I might as well go in and
break the good news to them.

Look, Shirl, when
the riot starts,

you just get yourself
out of the way, huh?

Laverne... Hurry up, you
can change right in there.

I... I don't... ( all talking)

Hey, I forgot Milo's present.

I left it in the... I don't
know. I lost my head.

Listen, I want to
say to you right now

that I present the
Fonz Production.

This is my show,
my gift to you, Milo.

Enjoy! Hey!

( laughter)

( cheering and whistling)

Listen! Quiet!

I have an announcement to make.

A very nice girl

is about to come
out of this cake.

( loud cheering)

Now, I don't want
any... ( lewd grunting)

or...

Mmm! Mmm! Here, chickie,
chickie, chickie, chickie!

None of that!

No smut, okay?

GUYS: Yeah.

Okay, Shirl, they're ready.

SHIRLEY: Not coming out.

What do you mean,
you're not coming out?

I'm not coming out.

They turned their
chairs around, Shirl.

All right, all right. Just
hurry up! I'm suffocating!

Okay, Fonz, hit it!

( loud cheering)

( mid-tempo jazz plays)

( guys whooping)

( whooping continues)

She's got her coat on!

Can't see nothing!

What are you doing?!

( guys protesting)

( angry shouting)

Let's get the oven
out in the street!

Yeah, this stinks!

This guy is ruining my party!

( guys shouting) Let's
tear the joint apart.

( shouting stops)

You guys are
classless. Classless!

Yeah, but-but he covered her up!

Get over here.

Don't you see that
you just witnessed

a very tender moment?

Where?

Over there.

FONZIE: Can't you
see that that man

has tender feelings
for that woman?

I see. You saw.

Yeah, I got some
feelings for her, too.

( laughter)

How'd you like to feel
my fist at your throat?

Say no. No.

Hey, I'm sorry I
ruined your party, Fonz.

Hey, Carmine, you got
class. You're all right.

You guys need some
sophistication like the Fonz.

Now, if you can
find alley 12 in there,

there are films for
you to see, huh?

( whooping and laughter)

Thanks, Fonz.

Hey, huh? You took a shot.

Listen, I'll get them back with
the films. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, just show
me where to plug in

the old projector, all right?

Hey, Fonz? Yeah?

Is there really naked
people in those pictures?

Laverne! Some of
them are wearing socks.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

Hey, uh, you're not mad
at me, are you, Angel Face?

Oh, no, Carmine, it
was a nice gesture.

Thank you.

You'd better hurry up...
You're gonna miss the film.

Oh, I ain't gonna miss the film.

Got it right here. ( laughs)

SHIRLEY ( quietly): let her
talk me into these things?

If my brothers
find out about this...

Penny for your thoughts.

Okay, Shirl, I owe
you for this, I really do.

Look, I'll do all the
cooking for a month.

And all the ironing?

Aw, come on. What do you say?

Well, I got to admit,
it was an experience.

Yeah? How'd it feel?

Disgusting. It was a
disgusting experience.

Well, I had a terrific
experience tonight.

Oh, very good, Laverne.
Rub my face in it.

I learned that I
have the best friend

any person in the
world could ever have.

Aw, Laverne, you really
know how to get to me.

Yeah.

It's over. Let's just not
talk about it anymore.

Right. Let's clean up this mess.

Right.

Laverne? Hmm?

I just thought of
something awful. What?

Someday, God willing,
I'm gonna be a mother,

and if my daughter
comes to me and says,

"Mama, I want to go
to this bachelor party

and come up out of this
cake," what can I tell her?

A lot more than most mothers.

SHIRLEY: Look who's here,
Laverne... it's your father.

Welcome home.
How was the funeral?

Beautiful. It was
a lovely sendoff.

Hiya, Pop.

Hello, Laverne. How are you?

How was New York?

The whole
neighborhood is changing.

Even the snow is dirtier.

Aren't you gonna ask
me about the business?

How was business?

Same as usual.

Plus, uh... another 50 dollars.

How did you get this?

Just a shrewd business deal.

Aha-ha! You did great.

You did a bang-up job.

You think a son
could've done any better?

No. You did perfect, muffin!

Well, I got to go back to work.

I'm glad I got a daughter.

Muffin!

He called me "muffin," Shirl.

He hasn't done that
since I was ten years old.

Oh, boy, it sounds a
lot better than "Dopey."

FRANK: Hey, Dopey!

Why don't you
close the curtains?

You want to give the
neighborhood a free show?

What's the matter with you?

Sorry, Pop.

It's all right, Laverne.

At least you got
a "muffin" out of it.

( theme music plays)

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪