Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Society Party - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( whistle blows)
( indistinct voices)
Oops! Sorry.
Hey, Shirley!
( mutters): Hey, Laverne.
I got some hot gossip for you.
Oh, no. They caught Waldo
licking foam off
the racks again?
No, no.
What, Laverne? What?
I found out who that new guy
in the bottle capping
department is.
The tall one with the dark hair?
His name happens
to be Tad Shotz.
His uncle is the
big Shotz... Max.
I know.
How do you know?
He spoke to me.
( gasps)
What for? He says he wants
to spend his break time with us.
Says he has something
very important to ask us.
I also heard through
the grapevine
that his family wants
him to learn the business
from the ground up so he can
take over for when Max dies.
It's not a warm family.
I need a doughnut.
Uh-oh. Here he comes.
Hi, girls. Uh...
doughnut, anyone?
Oh, hi, Tad. Uh...
this is Laverne.
Hi, Tad. Hi, Laverne.
MAN: Hey, Shotz!
During the break, your uncle
wants you to wash his car.
I only got a minute,
but, uh, my nana's
having a dinner party
at the Shotz manor
tomorrow evening.
He's got a nana. And a manor.
I was wondering if you
two girls would like to attend.
Why us?
Well, you see, my
Uncle Max doesn't think
that I relate well
to the workers.
Oh, you brought us doughnuts!
Not chocolate.
So, I thought that if I
invited a couple of workers
to go to the party, then my
nana would talk to my Uncle Max,
and, uh, say what friends I
was making with the little people,
and, uh, he'd have
me transferred
out of this filthy department.
What a charming invitation.
Thank you.
You got a big mansion, huh?
I'm sorry. I already have a
date with Arthur Fonzarelli.
Well, that's all right.
You can bring him, too.
Fonzie at a society party?
Here's the invitation.
And, uh, all of the
directions are right on it.
You just follow these,
and I'll see you
tomorrow night, right?
Yes, right.
Yeah, we can really
have lots of fun.
Uh-huh.
You get to gussy
up a little bit.
Feel this invitation.
The words have bumps.
"Formal dress."
We ain't got nothing
to wear to this,
and we can't afford
to buy new clothes.
Don't worry. We'll
come up with something.
I got a better
idea. Let's not go.
I mean, why should we
go up there to represent
the workers...
the little people?
We're only helping him out.
This is a chance to
help ourselves out.
How?
This is a perfect opportunity
to meet the right
kind of people.
Didn't you always
want to go inside
one of those big,
beautiful homes?
Laverne, the
only kind of parties
we've ever been to
are bring-your-own.
I like bringing my own.
Then I know what I'm getting.
Why don't you go by yourself?
I can't go by myself.
I'd be too scared
to go by myself.
What, scared? You're
as good as they are.
We're as good as anybody.
Oh, that's right, Laverne.
So, please go with
me. Please, please.
I want to go so bad.
Please. You're my best friend
in the whole world.
I'd do it for you.
Please! She gets excited.
Please go with me.
I want to go so
bad... All right!
( sighs)
I'll gussy up.
Ah!
( rock and roll intro plays)
♪ I'm walking, yes,
indeed, I'm talking... ♪
See? You drove
right off the road.
You totaled it.
I couldn't help it.
She blew in my ear.
I don't care what she did...
( both talking at once)
Hey, Laverne and Shirley!
Oh, Lenny, Squiggy.
My, what a surprise.
Hi, fellas. We didn't see you.
Yeah, that's okay.
Bye. Well, see you around.
Hey, listen, if you're not
doing anything tomorrow night,
we got the truck... the big one.
Yeah. There's a
great make-out picture
playing at the
drive-in, The Robe.
No, thank you.
We're going to a
formal society dinner.
Whoa, pardon me, ladies.
Yeah. I would've worn my tuxedo,
but my polo pony ate it.
I cannot believe we went
through school with those guys.
Where are we going
to find two dresses?
I got it! I'll ask Fat
Sally, the locker lady.
She sees everybody.
She'll know where we
can borrow some dresses.
I don't want to wear
Fat Sally's dress.
We could both wear
Fat Sally's dress.
Let's ask Lenny and Squiggy.
They know everybody.
Yeah, but everybody avoids them.
It's worth a try,
Laverne. Now be nice.
Eh...
Oh, Squiggy? Lenny?
Changed your mind
about The Robe?
It's about dresses.
I heard it was a
religious picture.
Yeah... Egypt...
( Lenny and Squiggy
talking) at once)
Stop it!
Squiggy, you and I,
we've been friends
a long time, huh?
So?
Well, Laverne and I
are kind of in a little jam,
and we was wondering if
you fellas could help us out.
Yeah, I guess I get you.
Sorta.
What we need is for you to
help us find some dresses...
Some fancy dresses... You
know, like prom dresses?
One size five, one size ten,
that we can wear to
this fancy party tonight.
You got to ask everyone we know.
What's in it for us?
A buck.
Naw, we want
something we can divide.
Wait a minute. You
can divide a buck.
What are you going
to do, tear it in half?
( both talking at once)
Stop it!
How about... 50 cents apiece?
Okay, that's a deal.
You'll get your gowns.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get the size five.
You get the size ten.
What?! No, I'll
get the size ten.
You get the size five. What?!
( both talking at once)
730 Hampton Street.
Right. Thank you. We're all set.
The cab will be here in an hour.
He promised to have us
to the Shotz Manor by 8:00,
and Fonzie's meeting
us there after work.
Swell. Come on,
Laverne, let's fix your hair.
I do not comb, tease or
spray until I get my dress.
You'll get your dress.
Everyone we know is
out looking for dresses.
Somebody will come through.
Sure, and they're
all just holding back
till the last minute to
make it more exciting.
Then we can get
dressed in the cab.
Laverne, you can drag
your feet all you want to,
but I'm going to this party,
and I'm going to meet
some nice gentleman.
Oh, like Tad Shotz?
He's a conceited dork.
No, not like Tad.
Some other nice
society gentleman.
A society gentleman
would only go out with
you for one reason...
To have a good
time, a few laughs,
and a little vo-de-o-do-do.
( scoffs)
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o-do-do.
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o.
Once.
I was going steady a whole year.
I have a spotless reputation.
( blows raspberry)
Ooh! Ooh, I hate it when
you make that sound!
You did that on the
bus the other day,
and that poor driver pulled
over, thinking he had a flat.
Yeah.
You make fun of
everything, Laverne.
Okay, say we go to this party,
and you meet this wonderful guy.
Do you think he's
going to marry you?
Stranger things have
been known to happen.
And I can marry anyone I please.
You don't please that
many people, Shirl.
Mr. Right will come along.
But he may not come
to this neighborhood.
Shirl, we work in a brewery.
We date guys
from the Pizza Bowl.
Face it. We found our niche.
But that doesn't necessarily
have to be our niche, Laverne.
It's like that song.
There's a niche song?
No, no, that song that
Frank Sinatra sings.
You know...
♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪
♪ Ant ♪
♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant? ♪
♪ Plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows ♪
♪ Knows ♪
♪ An ant ♪
♪ Ant ♪
♪ Can't ♪
♪ Can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree
plant ♪ ♪ Plant ♪
♪ But he's got... ♪
What, Laverne?
A hernia!
No!
He's got high hopes,
and I've got them, too.
And there is no reason on
earth why Prince Charming
cannot walk through
our front door.
Hello.
All right, come on
down. They're here.
We got your dresses.
Oh! Oh, I knew it. I
knew you'd come through!
Yeah, sure.
All right, just
one thing, Shirl.
Shirl, we can only
rent them to you
on account of my
uncle needs them
back at the wax
museum by Monday.
Okay, how much to rent?
Well, uh... we had
to take them off
of Ann Blyth and Donna Reed.
Not the real ones...
The wax dummies.
Mm-hmm.
I got that, Lenny. Oh.
How much, Squiggy?
Well, why don't we
say, for you, five...
Hey!
15 dollars.
All right. You
got it. It's a deal.
( squealing) Here's
ten, here's five.
Now get out of here.
We got to try these on.
All right, now remember.
Get them back to me by Monday,
because, uh, nobody
likes to look at naked wax.
( soft piano music playing)
Miss Shirley Feeney and
Miss Laverne DeFazio.
( whispers): No.
Do we tip this guy?
On the way out.
You'll get it later.
Do you see Tad?
No.
Those two people
are staring at us.
They're just admiring
our lovely dresses.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
We're second
cousins to the Shotzes.
Oh.
I'm Marshall Stewart of
the Palm Beach Stewarts.
My wife, Vivian, formerly
Vivian Bruin of the Boston Bruins.
I'm Laverne DeFazio of
the Milwaukee DeFazios,
formerly of the
Brooklyn DeFazios.
And I'm Shirley Feeney
of the Michael J...
VIVIAN: Oh, those are
lovely dresses you're wearing.
Thanks. Oh, thank you.
Uh, Marshall,
I'd like to speak
to you a moment.
What is it, pumpkin?
What was all that about?
That lady's cruising
for a bruising.
SHIRLEY: Oh, stop it...
Uh, here's Nana, everyone.
Ooh, there's Tad.
Hi, Tad. Hi!
Hi, how are you?
Nana, here's the two girls
from the brewery I
was telling you about.
Hello. Hi.
My, those are lovely dresses.
Thanks. Oh, why, thank you.
Remind me to tell Max
he's overpaying the laborers.
Uh, Laverne,
where's your beau...
That Fonzarelli character?
Oh, he had to work
late at the garage,
but he said he'd get
here in time for the eats.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, why don't you go over
and look at the statue of Nana,
because I really must
mingle with the real guests.
Look at this!
An indoor statue.
It's the first one I ever saw
of a person still living.
Ooh, look at this
chair, Laverne.
Oh, the arms are
little lion's paws.
I can't believe it. ( crackling)
Oh, Laverne, you
got to sit in this chair.
Really, it's just so nice
and so comfortable,
and so pretty...
Oh, I'm... what?
What? What?
( shrieks)
Shh!
It's not mine, it's Nana's.
( shrieks)
Shh... From the statue.
The statue? Oh, no, Laverne.
Put it back.
I tried. It won't stick.
Dinner is served.
Did you hear that?
"Dinner is served."
Of course I heard it.
I got three ears, don't I?
Don't look now, but
Mr. and Mrs. Snoop-face
are staring at us again.
Let them. We're doing just fine.
I'm sorry, Master Tad.
This gentleman made me say this.
Ladies and gentleman, The Fonz.
Your coat?
That's right. It's my coat.
Are those your pants?
Who is this guy?
Come here, Fonz.
Hey, how you doing, huh?
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
You're going to spill your food.
Knock yourselves out.
Um, Arthur Fonzarelli,
this is our hostess, Nana Shotz.
Our hostess Nana Shotz, huh?
Life begins at 80, huh, Nana?
Whoa!
SHIRLEY: This is Tad Shotz.
Hey, how you doing, Tad?
How do you do, Arthur?
Oh, listen everybody,
I'm real sorry that I'm late,
but it was my night to
close up the garage, dig?
Well, perhaps you'd like to, um,
wash your hands.
No, I washed my hands
down at the garage, okay?
Hey, listen, Tad-o,
I'd love to use
your john for another reason,
if you receive my drift.
TAD: Yes, certainly.
Certainly, Arthur.
Uh, Gerald, would you show
Mr. Fonzarelli the facilities?
Facilities.
( laughs)
This way, sir.
You're still after my coat, huh?
Don't look now,
but Miss Snoop-face
is now staring at our backs.
She's just curious about us.
She's going to grab you, Shirl.
( whimpers)
Let go of her dress.
These are my daughters' dresses.
Ann Blyth and Donna
Reed are your daughters?
These are my Allegra
and Binky's dresses.
They were stolen
from our apartment.
We didn't steal these dresses.
We rented them.
I can't stand this
unpleasantness.
Take me to my room, Tad.
If you call the police,
tell them no sirens.
It reminds me of the war.
Marshall, I think we
should call the police.
Oh, no. Please
don't call the police.
( all talking at once)
( clinking glass)
Hold it. Hold it.
I leave the room for a minute,
it looks like you're
rumbling here.
MARSHALL: Your
friends happen to be
wearing stolen gowns.
They're my daughters'.
Hey, my friends don't steal.
There is a good
explanation for this, huh?
Now, come here, girls.
Now, where did you
get these dresses?
We rented them.
All right, you hear that?
They rented them.
You rented them?
Yeah. Squiggy said he got them
from his uncle's wax museum.
Girls, you are in big trouble.
Oh, we didn't know those
finks stole them, honest.
Oh, we're very sorry.
Uh, we'll return the dresses.
From behind bars.
Call the police, Marshall.
( talking at once)
Time out! Hold it.
Now, dig this.
Maybe these dresses are hot,
but these girls rented
them in good faith.
They are nice girls.
They dressed up
because they were excited
about coming to your party.
They dressed up for you.
Now, you got to remember,
they don't have nice
clothes like you and me.
So everything is
settled here, right?
Tomorrow they're going
to return the dresses,
you're going to sit
down, and listen,
let's not carry on in front of
the help. It don't look good.
Now, just plant yourselves, huh?
Very well. I won't
call the police.
There's no point
in making an issue.
Thank you, Fonz. Thanks, Fonz.
I'm sure glad you were here.
Try not to get any spots
on the stolen dresses.
Don't worry, lady,
we'll take them
to the cleaners before
we bring them back to you.
Have them dry cleaned,
not the Laundromat.
The dresses are ruined.
They'll have a permanent slouch.
It just galls me
to see Allegra and
Binky's dresses
on those two... people.
People, huh?
That's it.
I'll show you people.
Come on, Shirl.
You know, lady, I got more class
in my little pinky than you
have in your whole thumb.
Follow me.
Our coats, please.
Here's my dress.
Thank Binky or Allegra for me.
I just want to say I
came here tonight
because my friend
wanted to see the inside
of one of these
beautiful houses.
Well, believe me,
they look a lot friendlier
from the outside.
We were treated better
by the attack dogs.
Young lady, it's impossible
to take you
seriously in your slip.
Oh, yeah?
Slip through this, huh?
Where is the other dress?
Pull it out, Shirl!
Sorry, here's your dress.
Well, I never.
It shows, honey.
You're making me
wait out here by myself...
I'm sorry.
Come on, Fonz. We're going home.
Yeah, let me just
finish my soup, all right?
LAVERNE: Come on, Shirl.
Uh, I'd just like to apologize
for the little misunderstanding,
and say what a pleasure
it is to meet you all
and... let's do it
again sometime.
My God.
What is it, Marshall?
There's an ear in my cup.
SHIRLEY: Come on, Laverne.
You haven't spoken a
word all the way home.
Aren't you going to
say anything at all?
I mean, we didn't
stay at the party
long enough to meet
any nice gentleman,
but we did all right otherwise.
All in all, it wasn't
such a bad evening.
What?
What did you just say?
Shirl, it was a bad evening.
The next one will be better.
Shirl, I let you talk me
into this whole night, right?
Well, at least learn
something from it.
First of all, your
hopes are too high.
An ant can't move
a rubber tree plant.
And, second of all,
Santa Claus is not
going to "Ho, ho, ho"
down our chimney
and give you a
gentleman as a present.
Get it? Got it. Good!
Are you finished now?
Are you through shouting at me?
Because, if you are,
I would like to speak
for a moment here!
Oh, Laverne, tsk, tsk, tsk.
You are a Gloomy Gus.
Of course you're
never going to meet
a high society gentleman.
What's he going to
do, walk up to you
and say, "Hello, Laverne.
Care to go to the
opera, my dear?"
And you'll go... (
blows raspberry)
I never saw you do
that. You do that good.
( laughs):
You see? There you are.
You make fun of everything.
My plans may not
always turn out perfect,
but I try to get us to
go places, do things,
be somebody, and all
you ever do is knock it.
Laverne DeFazio,
you are very negative.
You knock everything,
you're sarcastic,
and you yell much too loud.
And, if Santa Claus
doesn't want to visit here,
it's because he's afraid of you!
Santa's not afraid of me.
I never said I
was a saint, Shirl.
I mean, we grew up together.
We went to school together.
We took gym class together.
You get to know a person.
You knew what I was like,
and I never dreamed...
I never dreamed
I would hear such words
coming out of the girl's mouth
who wrote this in my
high school yearbook.
"To Laverne," If in
heaven we don't meet,
"hand in hand,
we'll bear the heat.
"And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi-Cola hits the spot."
Now, that's a beautiful
sentiment, Shirl.
Too bad you didn't mean it.
Aw, gee, Laverne.
I meant it.
I'm sorry.
You and I were good friends.
If I want to have my dreams,
you should let me have them.
You shouldn't want
to tear them down.
Silly as they may be sometimes.
I dream for you, too.
All right, you have your dreams,
and I'll try not to
make fun of them.
But it won't be easy.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome very much.
♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪
♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪
♪ 'Cause he's got... ♪
What, Laverne?
High hopes.
Louder.
High hopes.
That's right.
♪ He's got high hopes ♪
♪ He's got ♪
BOTH: ♪ High apple
pie in the sky hopes ♪
♪ So any time
you're feeling low ♪
♪ Instead of letting go ♪
♪ Just remember that ant... ♪
I'm Laverne DeFazio.
I'm Shirley Feeney.
Right. Now them, me and the cake
all go to a bachelor party
on the Laverne & Shirley show.
This is going to be
one smutty affair.
Whatever they do,
we'll just ignore it.
And who knows?
You may even be
pleasantly surprised.
( whooping, cheering)
Dee Dee was the chick
that was going to
come out of this cake.
What happened to her?
She broke her arm
climbing out of a pie.
Next week on Laverne & Shirley.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlemazel ♪
♪ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doing it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time, there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
( whistle blows)
( indistinct voices)
Oops! Sorry.
Hey, Shirley!
( mutters): Hey, Laverne.
I got some hot gossip for you.
Oh, no. They caught Waldo
licking foam off
the racks again?
No, no.
What, Laverne? What?
I found out who that new guy
in the bottle capping
department is.
The tall one with the dark hair?
His name happens
to be Tad Shotz.
His uncle is the
big Shotz... Max.
I know.
How do you know?
He spoke to me.
( gasps)
What for? He says he wants
to spend his break time with us.
Says he has something
very important to ask us.
I also heard through
the grapevine
that his family wants
him to learn the business
from the ground up so he can
take over for when Max dies.
It's not a warm family.
I need a doughnut.
Uh-oh. Here he comes.
Hi, girls. Uh...
doughnut, anyone?
Oh, hi, Tad. Uh...
this is Laverne.
Hi, Tad. Hi, Laverne.
MAN: Hey, Shotz!
During the break, your uncle
wants you to wash his car.
I only got a minute,
but, uh, my nana's
having a dinner party
at the Shotz manor
tomorrow evening.
He's got a nana. And a manor.
I was wondering if you
two girls would like to attend.
Why us?
Well, you see, my
Uncle Max doesn't think
that I relate well
to the workers.
Oh, you brought us doughnuts!
Not chocolate.
So, I thought that if I
invited a couple of workers
to go to the party, then my
nana would talk to my Uncle Max,
and, uh, say what friends I
was making with the little people,
and, uh, he'd have
me transferred
out of this filthy department.
What a charming invitation.
Thank you.
You got a big mansion, huh?
I'm sorry. I already have a
date with Arthur Fonzarelli.
Well, that's all right.
You can bring him, too.
Fonzie at a society party?
Here's the invitation.
And, uh, all of the
directions are right on it.
You just follow these,
and I'll see you
tomorrow night, right?
Yes, right.
Yeah, we can really
have lots of fun.
Uh-huh.
You get to gussy
up a little bit.
Feel this invitation.
The words have bumps.
"Formal dress."
We ain't got nothing
to wear to this,
and we can't afford
to buy new clothes.
Don't worry. We'll
come up with something.
I got a better
idea. Let's not go.
I mean, why should we
go up there to represent
the workers...
the little people?
We're only helping him out.
This is a chance to
help ourselves out.
How?
This is a perfect opportunity
to meet the right
kind of people.
Didn't you always
want to go inside
one of those big,
beautiful homes?
Laverne, the
only kind of parties
we've ever been to
are bring-your-own.
I like bringing my own.
Then I know what I'm getting.
Why don't you go by yourself?
I can't go by myself.
I'd be too scared
to go by myself.
What, scared? You're
as good as they are.
We're as good as anybody.
Oh, that's right, Laverne.
So, please go with
me. Please, please.
I want to go so bad.
Please. You're my best friend
in the whole world.
I'd do it for you.
Please! She gets excited.
Please go with me.
I want to go so
bad... All right!
( sighs)
I'll gussy up.
Ah!
( rock and roll intro plays)
♪ I'm walking, yes,
indeed, I'm talking... ♪
See? You drove
right off the road.
You totaled it.
I couldn't help it.
She blew in my ear.
I don't care what she did...
( both talking at once)
Hey, Laverne and Shirley!
Oh, Lenny, Squiggy.
My, what a surprise.
Hi, fellas. We didn't see you.
Yeah, that's okay.
Bye. Well, see you around.
Hey, listen, if you're not
doing anything tomorrow night,
we got the truck... the big one.
Yeah. There's a
great make-out picture
playing at the
drive-in, The Robe.
No, thank you.
We're going to a
formal society dinner.
Whoa, pardon me, ladies.
Yeah. I would've worn my tuxedo,
but my polo pony ate it.
I cannot believe we went
through school with those guys.
Where are we going
to find two dresses?
I got it! I'll ask Fat
Sally, the locker lady.
She sees everybody.
She'll know where we
can borrow some dresses.
I don't want to wear
Fat Sally's dress.
We could both wear
Fat Sally's dress.
Let's ask Lenny and Squiggy.
They know everybody.
Yeah, but everybody avoids them.
It's worth a try,
Laverne. Now be nice.
Eh...
Oh, Squiggy? Lenny?
Changed your mind
about The Robe?
It's about dresses.
I heard it was a
religious picture.
Yeah... Egypt...
( Lenny and Squiggy
talking) at once)
Stop it!
Squiggy, you and I,
we've been friends
a long time, huh?
So?
Well, Laverne and I
are kind of in a little jam,
and we was wondering if
you fellas could help us out.
Yeah, I guess I get you.
Sorta.
What we need is for you to
help us find some dresses...
Some fancy dresses... You
know, like prom dresses?
One size five, one size ten,
that we can wear to
this fancy party tonight.
You got to ask everyone we know.
What's in it for us?
A buck.
Naw, we want
something we can divide.
Wait a minute. You
can divide a buck.
What are you going
to do, tear it in half?
( both talking at once)
Stop it!
How about... 50 cents apiece?
Okay, that's a deal.
You'll get your gowns.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get the size five.
You get the size ten.
What?! No, I'll
get the size ten.
You get the size five. What?!
( both talking at once)
730 Hampton Street.
Right. Thank you. We're all set.
The cab will be here in an hour.
He promised to have us
to the Shotz Manor by 8:00,
and Fonzie's meeting
us there after work.
Swell. Come on,
Laverne, let's fix your hair.
I do not comb, tease or
spray until I get my dress.
You'll get your dress.
Everyone we know is
out looking for dresses.
Somebody will come through.
Sure, and they're
all just holding back
till the last minute to
make it more exciting.
Then we can get
dressed in the cab.
Laverne, you can drag
your feet all you want to,
but I'm going to this party,
and I'm going to meet
some nice gentleman.
Oh, like Tad Shotz?
He's a conceited dork.
No, not like Tad.
Some other nice
society gentleman.
A society gentleman
would only go out with
you for one reason...
To have a good
time, a few laughs,
and a little vo-de-o-do-do.
( scoffs)
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o-do-do.
I don't vo-de-o-do-do.
You vo-de-o.
Once.
I was going steady a whole year.
I have a spotless reputation.
( blows raspberry)
Ooh! Ooh, I hate it when
you make that sound!
You did that on the
bus the other day,
and that poor driver pulled
over, thinking he had a flat.
Yeah.
You make fun of
everything, Laverne.
Okay, say we go to this party,
and you meet this wonderful guy.
Do you think he's
going to marry you?
Stranger things have
been known to happen.
And I can marry anyone I please.
You don't please that
many people, Shirl.
Mr. Right will come along.
But he may not come
to this neighborhood.
Shirl, we work in a brewery.
We date guys
from the Pizza Bowl.
Face it. We found our niche.
But that doesn't necessarily
have to be our niche, Laverne.
It's like that song.
There's a niche song?
No, no, that song that
Frank Sinatra sings.
You know...
♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪
♪ Ant ♪
♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant? ♪
♪ Plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows ♪
♪ Knows ♪
♪ An ant ♪
♪ Ant ♪
♪ Can't ♪
♪ Can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree
plant ♪ ♪ Plant ♪
♪ But he's got... ♪
What, Laverne?
A hernia!
No!
He's got high hopes,
and I've got them, too.
And there is no reason on
earth why Prince Charming
cannot walk through
our front door.
Hello.
All right, come on
down. They're here.
We got your dresses.
Oh! Oh, I knew it. I
knew you'd come through!
Yeah, sure.
All right, just
one thing, Shirl.
Shirl, we can only
rent them to you
on account of my
uncle needs them
back at the wax
museum by Monday.
Okay, how much to rent?
Well, uh... we had
to take them off
of Ann Blyth and Donna Reed.
Not the real ones...
The wax dummies.
Mm-hmm.
I got that, Lenny. Oh.
How much, Squiggy?
Well, why don't we
say, for you, five...
Hey!
15 dollars.
All right. You
got it. It's a deal.
( squealing) Here's
ten, here's five.
Now get out of here.
We got to try these on.
All right, now remember.
Get them back to me by Monday,
because, uh, nobody
likes to look at naked wax.
( soft piano music playing)
Miss Shirley Feeney and
Miss Laverne DeFazio.
( whispers): No.
Do we tip this guy?
On the way out.
You'll get it later.
Do you see Tad?
No.
Those two people
are staring at us.
They're just admiring
our lovely dresses.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
We're second
cousins to the Shotzes.
Oh.
I'm Marshall Stewart of
the Palm Beach Stewarts.
My wife, Vivian, formerly
Vivian Bruin of the Boston Bruins.
I'm Laverne DeFazio of
the Milwaukee DeFazios,
formerly of the
Brooklyn DeFazios.
And I'm Shirley Feeney
of the Michael J...
VIVIAN: Oh, those are
lovely dresses you're wearing.
Thanks. Oh, thank you.
Uh, Marshall,
I'd like to speak
to you a moment.
What is it, pumpkin?
What was all that about?
That lady's cruising
for a bruising.
SHIRLEY: Oh, stop it...
Uh, here's Nana, everyone.
Ooh, there's Tad.
Hi, Tad. Hi!
Hi, how are you?
Nana, here's the two girls
from the brewery I
was telling you about.
Hello. Hi.
My, those are lovely dresses.
Thanks. Oh, why, thank you.
Remind me to tell Max
he's overpaying the laborers.
Uh, Laverne,
where's your beau...
That Fonzarelli character?
Oh, he had to work
late at the garage,
but he said he'd get
here in time for the eats.
Oh, that's nice.
Now, why don't you go over
and look at the statue of Nana,
because I really must
mingle with the real guests.
Look at this!
An indoor statue.
It's the first one I ever saw
of a person still living.
Ooh, look at this
chair, Laverne.
Oh, the arms are
little lion's paws.
I can't believe it. ( crackling)
Oh, Laverne, you
got to sit in this chair.
Really, it's just so nice
and so comfortable,
and so pretty...
Oh, I'm... what?
What? What?
( shrieks)
Shh!
It's not mine, it's Nana's.
( shrieks)
Shh... From the statue.
The statue? Oh, no, Laverne.
Put it back.
I tried. It won't stick.
Dinner is served.
Did you hear that?
"Dinner is served."
Of course I heard it.
I got three ears, don't I?
Don't look now, but
Mr. and Mrs. Snoop-face
are staring at us again.
Let them. We're doing just fine.
I'm sorry, Master Tad.
This gentleman made me say this.
Ladies and gentleman, The Fonz.
Your coat?
That's right. It's my coat.
Are those your pants?
Who is this guy?
Come here, Fonz.
Hey, how you doing, huh?
Oh, don't get up, don't get up.
You're going to spill your food.
Knock yourselves out.
Um, Arthur Fonzarelli,
this is our hostess, Nana Shotz.
Our hostess Nana Shotz, huh?
Life begins at 80, huh, Nana?
Whoa!
SHIRLEY: This is Tad Shotz.
Hey, how you doing, Tad?
How do you do, Arthur?
Oh, listen everybody,
I'm real sorry that I'm late,
but it was my night to
close up the garage, dig?
Well, perhaps you'd like to, um,
wash your hands.
No, I washed my hands
down at the garage, okay?
Hey, listen, Tad-o,
I'd love to use
your john for another reason,
if you receive my drift.
TAD: Yes, certainly.
Certainly, Arthur.
Uh, Gerald, would you show
Mr. Fonzarelli the facilities?
Facilities.
( laughs)
This way, sir.
You're still after my coat, huh?
Don't look now,
but Miss Snoop-face
is now staring at our backs.
She's just curious about us.
She's going to grab you, Shirl.
( whimpers)
Let go of her dress.
These are my daughters' dresses.
Ann Blyth and Donna
Reed are your daughters?
These are my Allegra
and Binky's dresses.
They were stolen
from our apartment.
We didn't steal these dresses.
We rented them.
I can't stand this
unpleasantness.
Take me to my room, Tad.
If you call the police,
tell them no sirens.
It reminds me of the war.
Marshall, I think we
should call the police.
Oh, no. Please
don't call the police.
( all talking at once)
( clinking glass)
Hold it. Hold it.
I leave the room for a minute,
it looks like you're
rumbling here.
MARSHALL: Your
friends happen to be
wearing stolen gowns.
They're my daughters'.
Hey, my friends don't steal.
There is a good
explanation for this, huh?
Now, come here, girls.
Now, where did you
get these dresses?
We rented them.
All right, you hear that?
They rented them.
You rented them?
Yeah. Squiggy said he got them
from his uncle's wax museum.
Girls, you are in big trouble.
Oh, we didn't know those
finks stole them, honest.
Oh, we're very sorry.
Uh, we'll return the dresses.
From behind bars.
Call the police, Marshall.
( talking at once)
Time out! Hold it.
Now, dig this.
Maybe these dresses are hot,
but these girls rented
them in good faith.
They are nice girls.
They dressed up
because they were excited
about coming to your party.
They dressed up for you.
Now, you got to remember,
they don't have nice
clothes like you and me.
So everything is
settled here, right?
Tomorrow they're going
to return the dresses,
you're going to sit
down, and listen,
let's not carry on in front of
the help. It don't look good.
Now, just plant yourselves, huh?
Very well. I won't
call the police.
There's no point
in making an issue.
Thank you, Fonz. Thanks, Fonz.
I'm sure glad you were here.
Try not to get any spots
on the stolen dresses.
Don't worry, lady,
we'll take them
to the cleaners before
we bring them back to you.
Have them dry cleaned,
not the Laundromat.
The dresses are ruined.
They'll have a permanent slouch.
It just galls me
to see Allegra and
Binky's dresses
on those two... people.
People, huh?
That's it.
I'll show you people.
Come on, Shirl.
You know, lady, I got more class
in my little pinky than you
have in your whole thumb.
Follow me.
Our coats, please.
Here's my dress.
Thank Binky or Allegra for me.
I just want to say I
came here tonight
because my friend
wanted to see the inside
of one of these
beautiful houses.
Well, believe me,
they look a lot friendlier
from the outside.
We were treated better
by the attack dogs.
Young lady, it's impossible
to take you
seriously in your slip.
Oh, yeah?
Slip through this, huh?
Where is the other dress?
Pull it out, Shirl!
Sorry, here's your dress.
Well, I never.
It shows, honey.
You're making me
wait out here by myself...
I'm sorry.
Come on, Fonz. We're going home.
Yeah, let me just
finish my soup, all right?
LAVERNE: Come on, Shirl.
Uh, I'd just like to apologize
for the little misunderstanding,
and say what a pleasure
it is to meet you all
and... let's do it
again sometime.
My God.
What is it, Marshall?
There's an ear in my cup.
SHIRLEY: Come on, Laverne.
You haven't spoken a
word all the way home.
Aren't you going to
say anything at all?
I mean, we didn't
stay at the party
long enough to meet
any nice gentleman,
but we did all right otherwise.
All in all, it wasn't
such a bad evening.
What?
What did you just say?
Shirl, it was a bad evening.
The next one will be better.
Shirl, I let you talk me
into this whole night, right?
Well, at least learn
something from it.
First of all, your
hopes are too high.
An ant can't move
a rubber tree plant.
And, second of all,
Santa Claus is not
going to "Ho, ho, ho"
down our chimney
and give you a
gentleman as a present.
Get it? Got it. Good!
Are you finished now?
Are you through shouting at me?
Because, if you are,
I would like to speak
for a moment here!
Oh, Laverne, tsk, tsk, tsk.
You are a Gloomy Gus.
Of course you're
never going to meet
a high society gentleman.
What's he going to
do, walk up to you
and say, "Hello, Laverne.
Care to go to the
opera, my dear?"
And you'll go... (
blows raspberry)
I never saw you do
that. You do that good.
( laughs):
You see? There you are.
You make fun of everything.
My plans may not
always turn out perfect,
but I try to get us to
go places, do things,
be somebody, and all
you ever do is knock it.
Laverne DeFazio,
you are very negative.
You knock everything,
you're sarcastic,
and you yell much too loud.
And, if Santa Claus
doesn't want to visit here,
it's because he's afraid of you!
Santa's not afraid of me.
I never said I
was a saint, Shirl.
I mean, we grew up together.
We went to school together.
We took gym class together.
You get to know a person.
You knew what I was like,
and I never dreamed...
I never dreamed
I would hear such words
coming out of the girl's mouth
who wrote this in my
high school yearbook.
"To Laverne," If in
heaven we don't meet,
"hand in hand,
we'll bear the heat.
"And if it ever gets too hot,
Pepsi-Cola hits the spot."
Now, that's a beautiful
sentiment, Shirl.
Too bad you didn't mean it.
Aw, gee, Laverne.
I meant it.
I'm sorry.
You and I were good friends.
If I want to have my dreams,
you should let me have them.
You shouldn't want
to tear them down.
Silly as they may be sometimes.
I dream for you, too.
All right, you have your dreams,
and I'll try not to
make fun of them.
But it won't be easy.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome very much.
♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪
♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant ♪
♪ Anyone knows an ant can't ♪
♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪
♪ 'Cause he's got... ♪
What, Laverne?
High hopes.
Louder.
High hopes.
That's right.
♪ He's got high hopes ♪
♪ He's got ♪
BOTH: ♪ High apple
pie in the sky hopes ♪
♪ So any time
you're feeling low ♪
♪ Instead of letting go ♪
♪ Just remember that ant... ♪
I'm Laverne DeFazio.
I'm Shirley Feeney.
Right. Now them, me and the cake
all go to a bachelor party
on the Laverne & Shirley show.
This is going to be
one smutty affair.
Whatever they do,
we'll just ignore it.
And who knows?
You may even be
pleasantly surprised.
( whooping, cheering)
Dee Dee was the chick
that was going to
come out of this cake.
What happened to her?
She broke her arm
climbing out of a pie.
Next week on Laverne & Shirley.
( theme music plays)
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪