Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Brexit - full transcript
The UK could officially leave the European Union next month, which would be a huge change with hugely damaging consequences.
Welcome, welcome,
welcome to "last week tonight."
I'm John Oliver, thank you so
much for joining us.
We are back, we're back.
There is no time,
there's no time to get into
everything we missed over the
last three months, suffice to
say, every single person in
America is now running for
president, Jeff bezos told us
all to keep an eye out for his
dick pic, and of course, the
president has been very busy.
He famously posed with a feast
of 300 hamburgers -- or as he
put it, "over 1,000 hamberders."
And on Christmas Eve, he spoke
to a seven-year-old and said
this.
Are you still a believer in
Santa?
'Cause at seven, it's marginal,
right?
Yeah, that's the
President of the United States
ruining Santa for a child on
December 24th, which is actually
perfectly on-brand.
Because if there's one thing
trump is good at, it's fucking
up children forever.
But the major drama since we
left has been president trump's
repeated attempts to get
congress to fund his border
wall, including shutting the
government down for nearly a
month, and this Friday, he tried
a new approach.
Underway right now,
president trump declares a
national emergency in an attempt
to get billions for a border
wall.
Yes, according to
trump, the border suddenly
constitutes a national
emergency, or as he might spell
it in a tweet, "the berder
cornstidutes a nertional
ederdency."
And to be clear, there is zero
actual emergency at the border
right now.
Illegal crossings have been
declining for 20 years.
And as we've talked about before
on this show, a wall would be
expensive and completely
ineffective.
But putting those aside,
declaring a national emergency
is a big step.
Emergency declarations are meant
to temporarily enhance the
president's power during a
legitimate crisis, so trump
needed to sell this as a real
emergency.
And yet, within minutes of
declaring it, he said this.
I could do the wall over a
longer period of time.
I didn't need to do this.
But I'd rather do it much
faster.
Well, it's not an
emergency then, is it?
Also, for the record, there is
no way that's the first time
this week trump has claimed, "i
could do this over a longer
period of time, I'd just rather
do it much faster."
Happy Valentine's day, you two.
#couplegoals.
And as if that weren't bad
enough, he then responded to
this newly declared emergency
by, just hours later, flying off
to Florida for the weekend,
where he's apparently been
photographed waiting at an
omelet bar.
You know, the kind of thing you
do when America is in crisis.
Now, unsurprisingly, there were
legal challenges filed almost
instantly, which shocked nobody,
including trump himself.
And we will have a national
emergency, and we will then be
sued and they will sue us in the
ninth circuit -- even though it
shouldn't be there -- and we
will possibly get a bad ruling,
and then we'll get another bad
ruling, and then we'll end up in
the supreme court, and hopefully
we'll get a fair shake, and
we'll win in the supreme court.
You know, yet another
great reason for trump to not be
president is that now I kind of
want to see him as a historical
expert on the next Ken burns
miniseries.
"They killed the archduke and
Germany got mad, and then there
were tanks and also poison gas,
and there was a beagle on a
doghouse flying around shooting
at people, and then America
won."
Look, there will be plenty more
to say about trump's border wall
going forward, but for now, I'd
voted
number one in the world by
"places to end your marriage"
magazine.
Last week, Ikea apologized after
making an embarrassing mistake.
Ikea is facing criticism
after selling a map that had a
little something missing.
Customers in Washington, D.C.,
noticed the $30 map of the world
forgot to show New Zealand.
It's bad timing for Ikea because
the company is in the process of
opening its first store there.
Oops.
Yeah, "oops," indeed.
I'm not sure which one is more
surprising there, that Ikea
forgot New Zealand or that Ikea
sells world maps for $30.
Bear in mind, you can buy an
entire dining room table at Ikea
for $39.
So by that pricing, a world map
should cost negative $40.
Now, incredibly, this is not
even the first time this has
happened to New Zealand.
Their prime minister openly
complained about it last year.
We're not actually on every
map that's out there, so...
Seriously?
No, it's actually a real
problem.
We've had a campaign around it.
Yup, there are maps where we are
missing.
No!
Yes.
It's honestly true.
New Zealand gets left off maps
all the time.
Now, do I think that that is
funny?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
New Zealand, a place that's
basically Times Square if all
the people were sheep and if all
the neon signs were also sheep,
keeps getting picked never in
the dodgeball game of maps.
That is objectively funny to me.
But this is a surprisingly
common occurrence.
There's both a subreddit and a
tumblr dedicated to collecting
examples of maps without
New Zealand on them.
For example, it's apparently
been left out from this textbook
illustration, this box from
Tiffany's, and the board game
"risk," as well as on large maps
in multiple major airports,
including Munich, Beijing, and
Prague, which begs the question:
Where do these airports think
flights to New Zealand are
going?
"We are now boarding the 8:55 to
Auckland.
Not sure where or what that is,
so from everyone here at
delta airlines, we wish you a
Sincere good luck."
And look, whether you like
New Zealand or not, you can't
deny it is there.
It's not just Australia's
imaginary friend.
And they are trying their best.
They did have an official
campaign just last year using
the hashtag
#getnewzealandonthemap,
but it clearly didn't work.
So tonight we're going to try to
help them out by giving people a
practical way to put things
right here.
So if you go to our Twitter feed
right now, you'll find a map of
New Zealand you can print out
and add to any incorrect map of
your choosing.
If you own that Ikea map?
Add New Zealand right there.
If you have the board game
"risk," add New Zealand.
And then throw it away because
it's a terrible game.
And also why stop with
inaccurate maps?
You can put New Zealand on
everything.
Map of Florida?
Add New Zealand.
An anatomical map of male sexual
organs?
Add New Zealand.
In fact, add two.
And, finally, if you should ever
find yourself in an Ikea, you
can help them never forget my
favorite heavily-logged island
nation ever again by finding
their in-store store map and
going full New Zealand on it.
It's the only way they'll learn.
And now, this.
And now,
news anchors shit talk the
winner of the westminster
dog show.
This is not my favorite breed
of dog.
I just don't find it very
attractive.
It's not my favorite-looking
dog.
It's ridiculous.
So goofy, that face.
He looks snobby.
That dog looks like in the
morning he wakes up and sips tea
and eats crumpets.
He should get a shave.
That beard.
Puffy legs, puffy chin.
Goofy-looking dog.
Does that dog have knees?
He needs a shave.
No, it's okay.
Arthur Chester look, or
Chester a. Arthur.
I gave you the phone book
version.
Either way, I don't know.
Chester Arthur.
You don't know?
He was president?
He was not president.
Chester Arthur?
You sure about that?
100% sure.
Who am I thinking of?
I don't know.
Taft?
I have no idea.
Woodrow Wilson?
No, it was before that.
I think it was Chester a.
Arthur.
There was no president named
Chester a. -- Jesse, look it up.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
an issue that promises to
dominate this entire year,
brexit, the playful, fun name
that's been given to a disaster.
It's like if you said
an animal died of
"otter-erotic asphyxiation."
It's cute, although when you
think about the actual
consequences, it becomes quite
sad.
It's now been two and a half
years since britain voted to
leave the eu.
The long story short is, there
was a bus with a lie on it,
people made a massively
consequential decision by a
narrow margin, and ever since,
the subject of the impending
brexit has dominated every
waking moment in British life.
It even comes up on reality
shows like this one, called
"love island."
What do you think about
brexit?
What's that?
Where we're leaving the
European union.
I seriously don't have a
clue.
So it was to leave the eu so
we wouldn't be part of Europe.
Oh, the eu, yeah, yeah.
Which would mean, like,
welfare, and, like, things we
trade with would be cut down.
So does that mean we won't
have any trees?
Cheese?
Trees.
No, that's got nothing to do
with it, babe, that's weather.
Why wouldn't we have trees?
But doesn't it mean it would
be harder to go to, like, Spain
and stuff?
So it would be harder to go
on holidays?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, I love my holidays!
Yeah.
Okay, so there's a lot
to unpack there, absolutely none
of which is worth unpacking.
It's like coming over to help a
friend move and finding all his
boxes are labeled "dead spiders
for mommy."
Yeah, you could unpack that, but
it's probably better to just
burn everything to the ground
and never speak of it again.
The point is, you cannot escape
talk about brexit in the uk.
It's something brilliantly
captured by a TV show called
"gogglebox."
It's a show in britain where you
get to watch other people watch
TV.
It's actually great, trust me.
Just eavesdrop on some British
people watching the news.
Why did David Cameron call a
referendum in the first place?
He should be put in prison.
Britain wants to have their
cake and eat it.
They want to trade with the rest
of the world, but they also have
the benefit of trading with
Europe.
I'm halfway through the
585-page withdrawal agreement.
No!
Who are you?
It's like one of those mugs I
saw in pudsey, Mary.
"Different day, same old shit."
Mary.
I don't like you swearing.
I saw it on a mug.
I'm just quoting what I read on
a mug.
Okay.
"Here's something else
I saw on a mug, Mary.
'This marriage is like
a locomotive lying on my chest,
crushing my spirit to dust.'
I'm just quoting what I saw on a
mug, Mary.
Don't blame me, blame the mug."
People in britain are exhausted
by brexit talk, and the crazy
thing is, it hasn't even
happened yet, although it has
already had big effects on the
British economy.
In the wake of the brexit vote,
the uk has become one of the
worst-performing economies in
the g-7, major companies like
Nissan and Dyson are moving
operations out of britain, and
the pound has dropped by almost
14%.
And all of this will come to a
head just 40 days from now, on
march 29, when the uk is set to
officially leave the eu.
And it could be an absolute
catastrophe because nothing is
happening the way that was
promised.
Britain was supposed to leave
the eu in orderly stages, first
entering a transition period on
march 29, during which it would
negotiate its future
relationship with the eu and
then leave entirely.
And prime minister Theresa may
has spent the last two years
locking down the terms of that
transition plan with the eu.
But when she presented this
agreed-upon deal to parliament,
this happened.
Theresa may suffers the
biggest commons defeat in
history.
This was the moment the
defeat was announced.
The ayes to the right, 202.
The nos to the left, 432.
What was that noise?
That was the biggest commons
defeat in British history and
they sounded like a
middle school lunchroom who just
heard someone called to the
principal's office.
"Oh, Theresa's in trou-ble!"
Now, incidentally, we can't show
that moment in the uk because of
their dumb law banning
parliamentary footage in comedy
shows, so when this airs there
tomorrow night, it'll be
replaced by a clip from a 1983
chippendales exercise video
instead with absolutely no
explanation.
So this is what they'll see:
This is the moment the defeat
was announced.
Yeah, that's what
they'll get.
They'll be confused by it, and
it'll be all their fault.
The point is, the defeat of
Theresa may's deal
raises the specter of what many
consider to be the worst-case
the uk dropping
out of the eu next month with no
transition plan in place.
It's the so-called no-deal
scenario, and the ramifications
of that could be massive, not
just for the uk or the eu, but
for the entire world.
So tonight, let's try and answer
why don't
people like Theresa may's deal?
What happens if the uk leaves
with no deal?
And could they just not do
brexit at all?
And let's start with why
parliament rejected her deal.
There's a lot of reasons that
people don't like it, but the
biggest sticking point has to do
with northern Ireland.
And let me explain here.
You see, the uk is actually four
england, Scotland,
wales, and northern Ireland.
A fab four, sort of like the
Beatles.
I won't say who the Ringo is,
because that would be unfair to
wales.
Now, northern Ireland shares a
border with the Republic of
Ireland, and right now,
everything you see here is part
of the eu, so goods and people
can move freely between them.
But the whole point of brexit is
for the uk to leave the eu, and
that could put a hard border
across Ireland, and that could
be a problem in a region that's
been plagued by sectarian
violence.
And I don't have time to get
into the sociopolitical history
of Ireland right now.
So feel free to Google
"ira bombings" or
"bloody Sunday," or
"Daniel day-Lewis' 1990s film
output" or -- do you know what?
Do you know what?
I'll just let the Cranberries
10 seconds.
That's basically it.
Tanks, bombs, guns, absolutely
no more than four chords.
You know, Ireland.
In the "troubles," thousands of
people died.
Businesses on the border were
regularly bombed, and
checkpoints became targets.
So removing them was a
centerpiece to the historic
good Friday agreement of 1998,
which brought a fragile peace to
the whole region.
Returning to checkpoints in any
way, shape, or form is going to
re-inflame tensions, as people
who live there know.
If somebody builds a customs
post on the border between the
north and Southern Ireland,
people will shoot at it.
And they'll shoot at the people
who work at it.
That's absolutely 100% certain.
Wow.
That is striking, because
normally for people to
be that certain something will
be a disaster, they need to see
will Smith in blueface.
So everyone agrees there cannot
be a hard border there again.
But how do you avoid that?
Because if you're not in the eu,
goods have to be screened
somewhere, like you would at any
international border, and no one
has yet come up with a plausible
solution for this.
Some, including former foreign
secretary and untitled
Gary busey project
Boris Johnson, have proposed
elaborate workarounds, including
technologies that don't yet
exist and customs screenings
near, but not at, the border.
But Ireland is not remotely
convinced by those.
And when journalists pushed
Boris Johnson for more details,
his response did not inspire
confidence.
Nobody thinks it's a
realistic plan, because they
don't think Ireland would accept
it.
The eu does.
Don't -- don't run away.
We want to ask you some serious
questions, because you've just
done a load of interviews, why
don't you talk to channel four?
And answer -- answer a couple of
questions?
You...
This is absurd.
You want to have a serious
conversation about brexit and
then you ride off without
talking to us.
Why can't you answer any serious
questions?
I'll tell you why Boris
can't answer any serious
he doesn't have any
answers.
In fact, the only question he's
ever capable of answering is,
"what would it look like if
Gordon Ramsey was tumble-dried
on high?"
So just in case no one comes up
with a solution for this
un-fixable problem by the end of
the transition period, the eu
and Theresa may agreed on
something called a "backstop."
Now, under it, northern Ireland
would broadly live under eu
rules and there would be a hard
border between it and the rest
of the uk, and that would remain
in effect until they came up
with a permanent solution to the
border problem -- a solution
that, remember, does not exist.
The problem is, brexiteers have
strong reservations about the
backstop, and they want Theresa
may to renegotiate it.
But the eu says they're done
negotiating, leaving britain
hurtling towards the
ever-increasing possibility of
leaving next month with no deal
in place at all.
So what happens if there is no
deal?
Well, first -- ironically --
there will be a hard border in
Ireland, the one thing that
everyone agrees they don't want.
But the consequences would go
much further than that, because
it won't just be the Irish
border where there'll be customs
checks.
Brand-new screenings will be
required at every point of
entry, and at major British
ports like Dover, where trucks
arrive on ferries, that could
mean chaos.
Under a no-deal brexit,
world trade organization rules
would kick in overnight, meaning
customs inspections on every
vehicle.
By one estimate, if customs
delayed each truck by just
70 additional seconds, the wait
to board the ferry could reach
six days.
Yeah, that is a massive
problem, because the whole
system is built on seamless
movement.
Introduce any hitch into that
system, and it all breaks down.
It's like being in a supermarket
checkout when one person brings
a fruit the cashier doesn't
know.
Hold on a second.
You are not trying to buy a
dragonfruit at a kroger at
6:00 pm on a rainy Sunday.
Get the fuck out of here!
You drop that fruit!
You drop that fruit!
You drop it and walk away!
Not up in here!
Not up in here!
And perishable goods will be
particularly hard-hit by delays
at ports, as this flower
importer will tell you.
If things get delayed, our
shipping gets delayed, and we're
trading with no -- no flowers.
So we -- we need free movements
and it will affect us.
What's at stake for you if we
don't get this right now?
Everything.
My family, my house, everything,
my staff.
You know, we've been trading for
33 years.
Yeah, that's very sad
because people do tend to want
flowers now and alive.
Although you may feel slightly
less sorry for that man when you
hear what he said next.
You know, we've been trading
for 33 years.
And I did vote to leave.
Do you regret that?
I definitely have second
thoughts now, but --
but when you voted "leave,"
did you not think, "well, this
is gonna affect my flowers?"
I didn't really think about
it like that.
I didn't really think about the
business side of it.
Yeah, well, you
probably should've done,
shouldn't you?
And now, you've pretty much
fucked yourself with a rusty
piece of rebar.
Which isn't offensive, it's
something I saw on a mug, so
it's fine.
The mug makes it okay, Mary.
You trust a mug always.
Now, look, the chilling prospect
of a no-deal brexit has now
become likely enough that the
government has released over a
hundred guidance documents
instructing people about what to
do if it does happen, everything
from how pesticides will be
regulated to what the new
procedures would be for taking
your horse abroad.
Although I think I can actually
solve that one for you right
take off its shoes, put it
in a separate tray, and look
innocently confused when airport
security starts asking whose
fucking horse this is.
And while some of what will
happen in a no-deal scenario may
go into the category of
"manageable annoyance," there
are some genuinely alarming
issues like, will there be a
shortage of medication that
comes from other countries that
could affect someone like this
girl with cerebral palsy and
epilepsy?
She has three drugs that she
has that are critical, and
without them, she will have
multiple seizures in a day.
It's one of the biggest
countries in the world,
financially, and I'm sitting
here thinking, "will I be able
to get medicine in two months'
time?"
It's a completely crazy
situation.
You are right about
that, because medicine shortages
are not a problem that britons
expect to deal with.
They're used to having their
problems limited to hearing
Americans mispronounce the word
"vitamin."
Not having enough beans as part
of your breakfast, and having to
wait 20 years for another royal
wedding.
How are you still single,
George?
Settle down already, you're this
many.
Find a fiancee for us to
ferociously judge.
And if all of this is not
already frightening enough,
there are warnings of empty
shelves, and some britons have
begun stockpiling food or buying
so-called "brexit boxes," which,
when you see what's actually
inside them, seems pretty grim.
They may look like tins of
paint, but they could be dinner
a la brexit.
Every brexit box contains all
you need to whip up family
favorites like chili con carne,
chicken tikka, and even fajitas.
Now, putting aside how
unappetizing a paint can of wet
meat sounds, let's also not
overlook the metaphorical
significance of every dish in
the brexit box being something
that came to britain from
another country and greatly
improved the lives of everyone
there.
Now, things look dire here.
Under any form of brexit,
britain's economic options are
basically "bad" and "worse."
The government's own analysis
suggests that, under a brexit
like Theresa may's plan, the uk
economy could be up to 3.9%
smaller after 15 years.
Which sounds bad until you learn
that under a no-deal brexit,
we're looking at an economy as
much as 9.3% smaller.
And a slowdown like that would
not just hurt britain -- it
would ripple across the whole
world.
And yet, incredibly, some in
britain remain completely
unfazed by all this, drawing
confidence from the worst
possible examples.
I lost a grandfather in the
first world war, I lost an uncle
in the second world war, and we
survived.
Are you not a little bit
concerned that we're talking
about this political event the
same way that we're talking
about the aftermath of
world wars?
No, I'm not.
I think it's the same sort of
situation.
But it isn't, though,
is it?
Because the world wars were
provoked.
They were a response to outside
events.
Brexit is something britain's
done to itself.
Britain is basically Pompeii if
Pompeii had voted for the
volcano.
"A bus said the volcano would be
good!
I believe the bus!
And a mug backed it up!
You trust mugs!"
And this brings us to the final
question here.
If all of this going to be so
bad, could britain just not do
this?
To which the answer is,
technically, yes.
In December, the European court
of justice ruled that the uk can
simply revoke its intention to
withdraw.
That is a big indication that
Europe would take us back.
And an even bigger indication is
the existence of the
breunion boys, a Dutch group who
describe themselves as a
"boy band driven to re-unite
Great Britain with the eu."
And if you think they didn't
make a music video, you clearly
don't understand why I'm
bringing this up.
Dope.
I mean, it's the classic
boy band formula, isn't it?
You get five eurotrash hunks,
dress two like fishermen, two
like guys who run a vc firm, and
one like a marxist guerrilla
with a throat cold, put them on
the world's grayest, dankest
beach, and have them croon in
different keys about the
dissolution of a customs union.
It's just textbook.
And look, if I'm honest, that
clip doesn't make a completely
airtight case for staying in the
eu, but the rap break certainly
does.
Hold on.
Hold on there.
You really think British people
are going to be impressed by
your abs?
We're British.
If there's one thing people know
about us, it's that we all have
spectacular abs.
Look, mine are obviously
amazing.
The queen's are completely
insane.
So why don't you take your
little eurozone four-pack and
hit the gym, pencil-neck.
And while, clearly, that band is
a pretty solid argument for
leaving the eu on any terms
necessary, what if britain did
want to stay?
How would that even happen?
Well, Theresa may and parliament
could weigh the evidence and
decide that brexit is not worth
it.
That would be the truly
courageous thing to do.
They won't do it because of the
political backlash they'd get
for defying the popular will.
But that is why some have
suggested a second referendum.
Now, that would not be easy.
First, the shortest estimate of
the time it would take to
organize a vote is 22 weeks, and
there's just six weeks left.
And also, what, exactly, would
people vote on?
Would it be remain in the eu
versus Theresa may's brexit?
Or remain versus the no-deal
brexit?
Or do you put all three options
on the ballot, probably split
the vote, fail to get a clear
majority for any option, and
somehow make this whole mess
even worse?
Because the reality is, this
situation is far too complex for
an up-or-down referendum, which,
by the way, was also true of the
first fucking one, because when
voters were just asked to leave
or stay without a sense of what
that might actually mean.
The first referendum was a
terrible idea, because it was
the government punting a
difficult decision to the
people, which, in the people's
defense, is not their job.
They elect politicians to make
reasoned, fact-based decisions
on their behalf.
That's how representative
democracy works.
And you know who could've told
you all of this at the time?
The people of "gogglebox."
Just watch them react to the
referendum being announced in
2016.
Do you think everybody knows
enough to be able to vote?
I know there must be other
people like me.
This is what's worrying me.
I'm worried that people aren't
well-informed enough to make the
decision.
It's such a big decision.
I don't understand it.
And then I don't want to vote on
something that I don't really
truly understand.
Right.
That is an intelligent thing to
say.
Sometimes you don't know stuff,
so you hire someone else to know
it for you.
If you came to your doctor with
stomach pain, and he said,
"well, what do you think?
Should your appendix leave or
remain?"
You'd probably say, "don't ask
me.
Do your fucking job!"
Look, a true act of political
courage at this point wouldn't
be to call for a second
referendum -- something
that Theresa may's already said
she won't do.
It would be to acknowledge that
the first one was fatally flawed
and that carrying it out will do
long-term damage to the country
and then canceling brexit
altogether.
But it seems that there is no
way that's happening.
Instead, britain seems
determined to step firmly down
upon the rake of history and
suffer the consequences.
And I wish I could offer you a
rousing, churchillian speech now
about how everything's going to
be okay, but under the
circumstances, honestly, the
best I can offer you is this.
People of britain, throughout
history, we've faced our share
of dark hours.
The great war.
The blitz.
And that time when Deborah
accidentally used Howard's
custard in her own trifle.
That's my custard.
Oh, no.
So sorry, Howard.
And through all this, our
stiff upper lip has prevailed,
because this country is not for
turning, not when other
countries have tried to destroy
us and not when we are in the
midst of trying to destroy
ourselves.
And I know some are yelling,
britain, come back, don't do
this!
You're pointlessly fucking
yourselves!
And to them, we say, oh, we have
not even begun to fuck
ourselves.
We shall fuck ourselves at the
ports.
We shall fuck ourselves at the
shops.
We shall fuck ourselves in the
hospitals and in the fields.
We shall never surrender.
And when the dust clears, what
will remain?
Britain.
Not the same britain, certainly.
A worse one with a weaker
economy.
Possibly no fresh fruit and a
great deal of confusion over how
horses can go on holiday.
But britain nonetheless.
And once we have delivered this
mortal wound to ourselves, we
will savor the taste of victory,
a victory that tastes like
mummified chicken fajitas!
That's our show,
thanks so much for watching.
See you next week, good night!
welcome to "last week tonight."
I'm John Oliver, thank you so
much for joining us.
We are back, we're back.
There is no time,
there's no time to get into
everything we missed over the
last three months, suffice to
say, every single person in
America is now running for
president, Jeff bezos told us
all to keep an eye out for his
dick pic, and of course, the
president has been very busy.
He famously posed with a feast
of 300 hamburgers -- or as he
put it, "over 1,000 hamberders."
And on Christmas Eve, he spoke
to a seven-year-old and said
this.
Are you still a believer in
Santa?
'Cause at seven, it's marginal,
right?
Yeah, that's the
President of the United States
ruining Santa for a child on
December 24th, which is actually
perfectly on-brand.
Because if there's one thing
trump is good at, it's fucking
up children forever.
But the major drama since we
left has been president trump's
repeated attempts to get
congress to fund his border
wall, including shutting the
government down for nearly a
month, and this Friday, he tried
a new approach.
Underway right now,
president trump declares a
national emergency in an attempt
to get billions for a border
wall.
Yes, according to
trump, the border suddenly
constitutes a national
emergency, or as he might spell
it in a tweet, "the berder
cornstidutes a nertional
ederdency."
And to be clear, there is zero
actual emergency at the border
right now.
Illegal crossings have been
declining for 20 years.
And as we've talked about before
on this show, a wall would be
expensive and completely
ineffective.
But putting those aside,
declaring a national emergency
is a big step.
Emergency declarations are meant
to temporarily enhance the
president's power during a
legitimate crisis, so trump
needed to sell this as a real
emergency.
And yet, within minutes of
declaring it, he said this.
I could do the wall over a
longer period of time.
I didn't need to do this.
But I'd rather do it much
faster.
Well, it's not an
emergency then, is it?
Also, for the record, there is
no way that's the first time
this week trump has claimed, "i
could do this over a longer
period of time, I'd just rather
do it much faster."
Happy Valentine's day, you two.
#couplegoals.
And as if that weren't bad
enough, he then responded to
this newly declared emergency
by, just hours later, flying off
to Florida for the weekend,
where he's apparently been
photographed waiting at an
omelet bar.
You know, the kind of thing you
do when America is in crisis.
Now, unsurprisingly, there were
legal challenges filed almost
instantly, which shocked nobody,
including trump himself.
And we will have a national
emergency, and we will then be
sued and they will sue us in the
ninth circuit -- even though it
shouldn't be there -- and we
will possibly get a bad ruling,
and then we'll get another bad
ruling, and then we'll end up in
the supreme court, and hopefully
we'll get a fair shake, and
we'll win in the supreme court.
You know, yet another
great reason for trump to not be
president is that now I kind of
want to see him as a historical
expert on the next Ken burns
miniseries.
"They killed the archduke and
Germany got mad, and then there
were tanks and also poison gas,
and there was a beagle on a
doghouse flying around shooting
at people, and then America
won."
Look, there will be plenty more
to say about trump's border wall
going forward, but for now, I'd
voted
number one in the world by
"places to end your marriage"
magazine.
Last week, Ikea apologized after
making an embarrassing mistake.
Ikea is facing criticism
after selling a map that had a
little something missing.
Customers in Washington, D.C.,
noticed the $30 map of the world
forgot to show New Zealand.
It's bad timing for Ikea because
the company is in the process of
opening its first store there.
Oops.
Yeah, "oops," indeed.
I'm not sure which one is more
surprising there, that Ikea
forgot New Zealand or that Ikea
sells world maps for $30.
Bear in mind, you can buy an
entire dining room table at Ikea
for $39.
So by that pricing, a world map
should cost negative $40.
Now, incredibly, this is not
even the first time this has
happened to New Zealand.
Their prime minister openly
complained about it last year.
We're not actually on every
map that's out there, so...
Seriously?
No, it's actually a real
problem.
We've had a campaign around it.
Yup, there are maps where we are
missing.
No!
Yes.
It's honestly true.
New Zealand gets left off maps
all the time.
Now, do I think that that is
funny?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
New Zealand, a place that's
basically Times Square if all
the people were sheep and if all
the neon signs were also sheep,
keeps getting picked never in
the dodgeball game of maps.
That is objectively funny to me.
But this is a surprisingly
common occurrence.
There's both a subreddit and a
tumblr dedicated to collecting
examples of maps without
New Zealand on them.
For example, it's apparently
been left out from this textbook
illustration, this box from
Tiffany's, and the board game
"risk," as well as on large maps
in multiple major airports,
including Munich, Beijing, and
Prague, which begs the question:
Where do these airports think
flights to New Zealand are
going?
"We are now boarding the 8:55 to
Auckland.
Not sure where or what that is,
so from everyone here at
delta airlines, we wish you a
Sincere good luck."
And look, whether you like
New Zealand or not, you can't
deny it is there.
It's not just Australia's
imaginary friend.
And they are trying their best.
They did have an official
campaign just last year using
the hashtag
#getnewzealandonthemap,
but it clearly didn't work.
So tonight we're going to try to
help them out by giving people a
practical way to put things
right here.
So if you go to our Twitter feed
right now, you'll find a map of
New Zealand you can print out
and add to any incorrect map of
your choosing.
If you own that Ikea map?
Add New Zealand right there.
If you have the board game
"risk," add New Zealand.
And then throw it away because
it's a terrible game.
And also why stop with
inaccurate maps?
You can put New Zealand on
everything.
Map of Florida?
Add New Zealand.
An anatomical map of male sexual
organs?
Add New Zealand.
In fact, add two.
And, finally, if you should ever
find yourself in an Ikea, you
can help them never forget my
favorite heavily-logged island
nation ever again by finding
their in-store store map and
going full New Zealand on it.
It's the only way they'll learn.
And now, this.
And now,
news anchors shit talk the
winner of the westminster
dog show.
This is not my favorite breed
of dog.
I just don't find it very
attractive.
It's not my favorite-looking
dog.
It's ridiculous.
So goofy, that face.
He looks snobby.
That dog looks like in the
morning he wakes up and sips tea
and eats crumpets.
He should get a shave.
That beard.
Puffy legs, puffy chin.
Goofy-looking dog.
Does that dog have knees?
He needs a shave.
No, it's okay.
Arthur Chester look, or
Chester a. Arthur.
I gave you the phone book
version.
Either way, I don't know.
Chester Arthur.
You don't know?
He was president?
He was not president.
Chester Arthur?
You sure about that?
100% sure.
Who am I thinking of?
I don't know.
Taft?
I have no idea.
Woodrow Wilson?
No, it was before that.
I think it was Chester a.
Arthur.
There was no president named
Chester a. -- Jesse, look it up.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
an issue that promises to
dominate this entire year,
brexit, the playful, fun name
that's been given to a disaster.
It's like if you said
an animal died of
"otter-erotic asphyxiation."
It's cute, although when you
think about the actual
consequences, it becomes quite
sad.
It's now been two and a half
years since britain voted to
leave the eu.
The long story short is, there
was a bus with a lie on it,
people made a massively
consequential decision by a
narrow margin, and ever since,
the subject of the impending
brexit has dominated every
waking moment in British life.
It even comes up on reality
shows like this one, called
"love island."
What do you think about
brexit?
What's that?
Where we're leaving the
European union.
I seriously don't have a
clue.
So it was to leave the eu so
we wouldn't be part of Europe.
Oh, the eu, yeah, yeah.
Which would mean, like,
welfare, and, like, things we
trade with would be cut down.
So does that mean we won't
have any trees?
Cheese?
Trees.
No, that's got nothing to do
with it, babe, that's weather.
Why wouldn't we have trees?
But doesn't it mean it would
be harder to go to, like, Spain
and stuff?
So it would be harder to go
on holidays?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, I love my holidays!
Yeah.
Okay, so there's a lot
to unpack there, absolutely none
of which is worth unpacking.
It's like coming over to help a
friend move and finding all his
boxes are labeled "dead spiders
for mommy."
Yeah, you could unpack that, but
it's probably better to just
burn everything to the ground
and never speak of it again.
The point is, you cannot escape
talk about brexit in the uk.
It's something brilliantly
captured by a TV show called
"gogglebox."
It's a show in britain where you
get to watch other people watch
TV.
It's actually great, trust me.
Just eavesdrop on some British
people watching the news.
Why did David Cameron call a
referendum in the first place?
He should be put in prison.
Britain wants to have their
cake and eat it.
They want to trade with the rest
of the world, but they also have
the benefit of trading with
Europe.
I'm halfway through the
585-page withdrawal agreement.
No!
Who are you?
It's like one of those mugs I
saw in pudsey, Mary.
"Different day, same old shit."
Mary.
I don't like you swearing.
I saw it on a mug.
I'm just quoting what I read on
a mug.
Okay.
"Here's something else
I saw on a mug, Mary.
'This marriage is like
a locomotive lying on my chest,
crushing my spirit to dust.'
I'm just quoting what I saw on a
mug, Mary.
Don't blame me, blame the mug."
People in britain are exhausted
by brexit talk, and the crazy
thing is, it hasn't even
happened yet, although it has
already had big effects on the
British economy.
In the wake of the brexit vote,
the uk has become one of the
worst-performing economies in
the g-7, major companies like
Nissan and Dyson are moving
operations out of britain, and
the pound has dropped by almost
14%.
And all of this will come to a
head just 40 days from now, on
march 29, when the uk is set to
officially leave the eu.
And it could be an absolute
catastrophe because nothing is
happening the way that was
promised.
Britain was supposed to leave
the eu in orderly stages, first
entering a transition period on
march 29, during which it would
negotiate its future
relationship with the eu and
then leave entirely.
And prime minister Theresa may
has spent the last two years
locking down the terms of that
transition plan with the eu.
But when she presented this
agreed-upon deal to parliament,
this happened.
Theresa may suffers the
biggest commons defeat in
history.
This was the moment the
defeat was announced.
The ayes to the right, 202.
The nos to the left, 432.
What was that noise?
That was the biggest commons
defeat in British history and
they sounded like a
middle school lunchroom who just
heard someone called to the
principal's office.
"Oh, Theresa's in trou-ble!"
Now, incidentally, we can't show
that moment in the uk because of
their dumb law banning
parliamentary footage in comedy
shows, so when this airs there
tomorrow night, it'll be
replaced by a clip from a 1983
chippendales exercise video
instead with absolutely no
explanation.
So this is what they'll see:
This is the moment the defeat
was announced.
Yeah, that's what
they'll get.
They'll be confused by it, and
it'll be all their fault.
The point is, the defeat of
Theresa may's deal
raises the specter of what many
consider to be the worst-case
the uk dropping
out of the eu next month with no
transition plan in place.
It's the so-called no-deal
scenario, and the ramifications
of that could be massive, not
just for the uk or the eu, but
for the entire world.
So tonight, let's try and answer
why don't
people like Theresa may's deal?
What happens if the uk leaves
with no deal?
And could they just not do
brexit at all?
And let's start with why
parliament rejected her deal.
There's a lot of reasons that
people don't like it, but the
biggest sticking point has to do
with northern Ireland.
And let me explain here.
You see, the uk is actually four
england, Scotland,
wales, and northern Ireland.
A fab four, sort of like the
Beatles.
I won't say who the Ringo is,
because that would be unfair to
wales.
Now, northern Ireland shares a
border with the Republic of
Ireland, and right now,
everything you see here is part
of the eu, so goods and people
can move freely between them.
But the whole point of brexit is
for the uk to leave the eu, and
that could put a hard border
across Ireland, and that could
be a problem in a region that's
been plagued by sectarian
violence.
And I don't have time to get
into the sociopolitical history
of Ireland right now.
So feel free to Google
"ira bombings" or
"bloody Sunday," or
"Daniel day-Lewis' 1990s film
output" or -- do you know what?
Do you know what?
I'll just let the Cranberries
10 seconds.
That's basically it.
Tanks, bombs, guns, absolutely
no more than four chords.
You know, Ireland.
In the "troubles," thousands of
people died.
Businesses on the border were
regularly bombed, and
checkpoints became targets.
So removing them was a
centerpiece to the historic
good Friday agreement of 1998,
which brought a fragile peace to
the whole region.
Returning to checkpoints in any
way, shape, or form is going to
re-inflame tensions, as people
who live there know.
If somebody builds a customs
post on the border between the
north and Southern Ireland,
people will shoot at it.
And they'll shoot at the people
who work at it.
That's absolutely 100% certain.
Wow.
That is striking, because
normally for people to
be that certain something will
be a disaster, they need to see
will Smith in blueface.
So everyone agrees there cannot
be a hard border there again.
But how do you avoid that?
Because if you're not in the eu,
goods have to be screened
somewhere, like you would at any
international border, and no one
has yet come up with a plausible
solution for this.
Some, including former foreign
secretary and untitled
Gary busey project
Boris Johnson, have proposed
elaborate workarounds, including
technologies that don't yet
exist and customs screenings
near, but not at, the border.
But Ireland is not remotely
convinced by those.
And when journalists pushed
Boris Johnson for more details,
his response did not inspire
confidence.
Nobody thinks it's a
realistic plan, because they
don't think Ireland would accept
it.
The eu does.
Don't -- don't run away.
We want to ask you some serious
questions, because you've just
done a load of interviews, why
don't you talk to channel four?
And answer -- answer a couple of
questions?
You...
This is absurd.
You want to have a serious
conversation about brexit and
then you ride off without
talking to us.
Why can't you answer any serious
questions?
I'll tell you why Boris
can't answer any serious
he doesn't have any
answers.
In fact, the only question he's
ever capable of answering is,
"what would it look like if
Gordon Ramsey was tumble-dried
on high?"
So just in case no one comes up
with a solution for this
un-fixable problem by the end of
the transition period, the eu
and Theresa may agreed on
something called a "backstop."
Now, under it, northern Ireland
would broadly live under eu
rules and there would be a hard
border between it and the rest
of the uk, and that would remain
in effect until they came up
with a permanent solution to the
border problem -- a solution
that, remember, does not exist.
The problem is, brexiteers have
strong reservations about the
backstop, and they want Theresa
may to renegotiate it.
But the eu says they're done
negotiating, leaving britain
hurtling towards the
ever-increasing possibility of
leaving next month with no deal
in place at all.
So what happens if there is no
deal?
Well, first -- ironically --
there will be a hard border in
Ireland, the one thing that
everyone agrees they don't want.
But the consequences would go
much further than that, because
it won't just be the Irish
border where there'll be customs
checks.
Brand-new screenings will be
required at every point of
entry, and at major British
ports like Dover, where trucks
arrive on ferries, that could
mean chaos.
Under a no-deal brexit,
world trade organization rules
would kick in overnight, meaning
customs inspections on every
vehicle.
By one estimate, if customs
delayed each truck by just
70 additional seconds, the wait
to board the ferry could reach
six days.
Yeah, that is a massive
problem, because the whole
system is built on seamless
movement.
Introduce any hitch into that
system, and it all breaks down.
It's like being in a supermarket
checkout when one person brings
a fruit the cashier doesn't
know.
Hold on a second.
You are not trying to buy a
dragonfruit at a kroger at
6:00 pm on a rainy Sunday.
Get the fuck out of here!
You drop that fruit!
You drop that fruit!
You drop it and walk away!
Not up in here!
Not up in here!
And perishable goods will be
particularly hard-hit by delays
at ports, as this flower
importer will tell you.
If things get delayed, our
shipping gets delayed, and we're
trading with no -- no flowers.
So we -- we need free movements
and it will affect us.
What's at stake for you if we
don't get this right now?
Everything.
My family, my house, everything,
my staff.
You know, we've been trading for
33 years.
Yeah, that's very sad
because people do tend to want
flowers now and alive.
Although you may feel slightly
less sorry for that man when you
hear what he said next.
You know, we've been trading
for 33 years.
And I did vote to leave.
Do you regret that?
I definitely have second
thoughts now, but --
but when you voted "leave,"
did you not think, "well, this
is gonna affect my flowers?"
I didn't really think about
it like that.
I didn't really think about the
business side of it.
Yeah, well, you
probably should've done,
shouldn't you?
And now, you've pretty much
fucked yourself with a rusty
piece of rebar.
Which isn't offensive, it's
something I saw on a mug, so
it's fine.
The mug makes it okay, Mary.
You trust a mug always.
Now, look, the chilling prospect
of a no-deal brexit has now
become likely enough that the
government has released over a
hundred guidance documents
instructing people about what to
do if it does happen, everything
from how pesticides will be
regulated to what the new
procedures would be for taking
your horse abroad.
Although I think I can actually
solve that one for you right
take off its shoes, put it
in a separate tray, and look
innocently confused when airport
security starts asking whose
fucking horse this is.
And while some of what will
happen in a no-deal scenario may
go into the category of
"manageable annoyance," there
are some genuinely alarming
issues like, will there be a
shortage of medication that
comes from other countries that
could affect someone like this
girl with cerebral palsy and
epilepsy?
She has three drugs that she
has that are critical, and
without them, she will have
multiple seizures in a day.
It's one of the biggest
countries in the world,
financially, and I'm sitting
here thinking, "will I be able
to get medicine in two months'
time?"
It's a completely crazy
situation.
You are right about
that, because medicine shortages
are not a problem that britons
expect to deal with.
They're used to having their
problems limited to hearing
Americans mispronounce the word
"vitamin."
Not having enough beans as part
of your breakfast, and having to
wait 20 years for another royal
wedding.
How are you still single,
George?
Settle down already, you're this
many.
Find a fiancee for us to
ferociously judge.
And if all of this is not
already frightening enough,
there are warnings of empty
shelves, and some britons have
begun stockpiling food or buying
so-called "brexit boxes," which,
when you see what's actually
inside them, seems pretty grim.
They may look like tins of
paint, but they could be dinner
a la brexit.
Every brexit box contains all
you need to whip up family
favorites like chili con carne,
chicken tikka, and even fajitas.
Now, putting aside how
unappetizing a paint can of wet
meat sounds, let's also not
overlook the metaphorical
significance of every dish in
the brexit box being something
that came to britain from
another country and greatly
improved the lives of everyone
there.
Now, things look dire here.
Under any form of brexit,
britain's economic options are
basically "bad" and "worse."
The government's own analysis
suggests that, under a brexit
like Theresa may's plan, the uk
economy could be up to 3.9%
smaller after 15 years.
Which sounds bad until you learn
that under a no-deal brexit,
we're looking at an economy as
much as 9.3% smaller.
And a slowdown like that would
not just hurt britain -- it
would ripple across the whole
world.
And yet, incredibly, some in
britain remain completely
unfazed by all this, drawing
confidence from the worst
possible examples.
I lost a grandfather in the
first world war, I lost an uncle
in the second world war, and we
survived.
Are you not a little bit
concerned that we're talking
about this political event the
same way that we're talking
about the aftermath of
world wars?
No, I'm not.
I think it's the same sort of
situation.
But it isn't, though,
is it?
Because the world wars were
provoked.
They were a response to outside
events.
Brexit is something britain's
done to itself.
Britain is basically Pompeii if
Pompeii had voted for the
volcano.
"A bus said the volcano would be
good!
I believe the bus!
And a mug backed it up!
You trust mugs!"
And this brings us to the final
question here.
If all of this going to be so
bad, could britain just not do
this?
To which the answer is,
technically, yes.
In December, the European court
of justice ruled that the uk can
simply revoke its intention to
withdraw.
That is a big indication that
Europe would take us back.
And an even bigger indication is
the existence of the
breunion boys, a Dutch group who
describe themselves as a
"boy band driven to re-unite
Great Britain with the eu."
And if you think they didn't
make a music video, you clearly
don't understand why I'm
bringing this up.
Dope.
I mean, it's the classic
boy band formula, isn't it?
You get five eurotrash hunks,
dress two like fishermen, two
like guys who run a vc firm, and
one like a marxist guerrilla
with a throat cold, put them on
the world's grayest, dankest
beach, and have them croon in
different keys about the
dissolution of a customs union.
It's just textbook.
And look, if I'm honest, that
clip doesn't make a completely
airtight case for staying in the
eu, but the rap break certainly
does.
Hold on.
Hold on there.
You really think British people
are going to be impressed by
your abs?
We're British.
If there's one thing people know
about us, it's that we all have
spectacular abs.
Look, mine are obviously
amazing.
The queen's are completely
insane.
So why don't you take your
little eurozone four-pack and
hit the gym, pencil-neck.
And while, clearly, that band is
a pretty solid argument for
leaving the eu on any terms
necessary, what if britain did
want to stay?
How would that even happen?
Well, Theresa may and parliament
could weigh the evidence and
decide that brexit is not worth
it.
That would be the truly
courageous thing to do.
They won't do it because of the
political backlash they'd get
for defying the popular will.
But that is why some have
suggested a second referendum.
Now, that would not be easy.
First, the shortest estimate of
the time it would take to
organize a vote is 22 weeks, and
there's just six weeks left.
And also, what, exactly, would
people vote on?
Would it be remain in the eu
versus Theresa may's brexit?
Or remain versus the no-deal
brexit?
Or do you put all three options
on the ballot, probably split
the vote, fail to get a clear
majority for any option, and
somehow make this whole mess
even worse?
Because the reality is, this
situation is far too complex for
an up-or-down referendum, which,
by the way, was also true of the
first fucking one, because when
voters were just asked to leave
or stay without a sense of what
that might actually mean.
The first referendum was a
terrible idea, because it was
the government punting a
difficult decision to the
people, which, in the people's
defense, is not their job.
They elect politicians to make
reasoned, fact-based decisions
on their behalf.
That's how representative
democracy works.
And you know who could've told
you all of this at the time?
The people of "gogglebox."
Just watch them react to the
referendum being announced in
2016.
Do you think everybody knows
enough to be able to vote?
I know there must be other
people like me.
This is what's worrying me.
I'm worried that people aren't
well-informed enough to make the
decision.
It's such a big decision.
I don't understand it.
And then I don't want to vote on
something that I don't really
truly understand.
Right.
That is an intelligent thing to
say.
Sometimes you don't know stuff,
so you hire someone else to know
it for you.
If you came to your doctor with
stomach pain, and he said,
"well, what do you think?
Should your appendix leave or
remain?"
You'd probably say, "don't ask
me.
Do your fucking job!"
Look, a true act of political
courage at this point wouldn't
be to call for a second
referendum -- something
that Theresa may's already said
she won't do.
It would be to acknowledge that
the first one was fatally flawed
and that carrying it out will do
long-term damage to the country
and then canceling brexit
altogether.
But it seems that there is no
way that's happening.
Instead, britain seems
determined to step firmly down
upon the rake of history and
suffer the consequences.
And I wish I could offer you a
rousing, churchillian speech now
about how everything's going to
be okay, but under the
circumstances, honestly, the
best I can offer you is this.
People of britain, throughout
history, we've faced our share
of dark hours.
The great war.
The blitz.
And that time when Deborah
accidentally used Howard's
custard in her own trifle.
That's my custard.
Oh, no.
So sorry, Howard.
And through all this, our
stiff upper lip has prevailed,
because this country is not for
turning, not when other
countries have tried to destroy
us and not when we are in the
midst of trying to destroy
ourselves.
And I know some are yelling,
britain, come back, don't do
this!
You're pointlessly fucking
yourselves!
And to them, we say, oh, we have
not even begun to fuck
ourselves.
We shall fuck ourselves at the
ports.
We shall fuck ourselves at the
shops.
We shall fuck ourselves in the
hospitals and in the fields.
We shall never surrender.
And when the dust clears, what
will remain?
Britain.
Not the same britain, certainly.
A worse one with a weaker
economy.
Possibly no fresh fruit and a
great deal of confusion over how
horses can go on holiday.
But britain nonetheless.
And once we have delivered this
mortal wound to ourselves, we
will savor the taste of victory,
a victory that tastes like
mummified chicken fajitas!
That's our show,
thanks so much for watching.
See you next week, good night!