Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 30 - Authoritarianism - full transcript

[HBO] HD. Main story: A look at the growing number of authoritarian leaders around the world. Plus, the fate of Russell Crowe's jockstrap.

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Welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I'm John Oliver.
Thank you for joining us.

A quick recap of the week.
And we begin with President Trump,

the most racist president since we
decided presidents shouldn't be racist.

Trump had a week of responding
to things in a non-ideal manner,

from calling Saudi Arabia
a "spectacular ally"

after the CIA implicated Mohammed
bin Salman in a journalist's killing,

to touring the devastation
following the California wildfires.

Seeing this devastation change
your opinion on climate change?

No. I have a strong opinion.

I want great climate
and we're going to have that.

"I want great climate."

Trump inserts whatever noun
someone just said

into his stock bullshit answers.

What's your opinion
on SpongeBob SquarePants?

I want great SpongeBob,
we're gonna have that.

It's gonna be the spongiest Bob,
and we love it.

The pants that are square?
We love them.

Trump was affected by what happened
in Paradise, California,

whose residential areas
were nearly 90 percent destroyed.

What he saw there,
in Paradise, California,

is something he will never forget.

You don't see what's going on
until you come here.

What we saw at Pleasure,
what a name, right now.

But what we just saw.
We just left Pleasure...

- Paradise.
- Or Paradise.

You have to remember the name.
You were just there!

The most amazing part of that
is not just the predictable mistake.

It's the face of the Governor
of California as it unfolds.

What we saw at Pleasure...
What a name, right now.

- We just left Pleasure...
- Paradise.

You can see it hitting him,

"let it go, he only said it once,
no way he'll say it again".

Then realizing: "fuck it,
we're gonna have to do something."

"Fuck it, we're gonna have
to do something"

should be the title of every
history of the Trump era.

Trump's weirdest unforced error was
during a Medal of Freedom ceremony,

where, in honoring
the late Antonin Scalia,

he abandoned the prepared text,
see if you can spot where.

Joining us for this ceremony
is his wife Maureen,

who's become a great friend of
my family, myself,

and their nine children: Ann, Gene,
John, Catherine, Mary Clare,

Paul, Matthew,
Christopher and Meg.

You were very busy.

I always knew I liked him.

What are you doing,
you strange man?

You're saying:
"I liked your dead husband,"

"I like people who fuck
a lot, because I fuck a lot."

I made a speech about your dead
husband about me fucking a lot.

Sorry for your loss,
come get your medal.

Instead of getting bogged
down again in Trump,

let's instead talk about Brexit.

A name way too cute for something
so destructively stupid.

It's like hearing your friend
decided to shove a snake

up what he insists
on calling his "snasshole".

You don't get a portmanteau!

You did something very stupid
and I want my snake back!

Two years ago,
Britain voted to leave the EU.

Theresa May presented a draft deal
for how that's going to happen.

It needs to pass through Parliament
and for a sense of how likely that is,

listen to the response
she got in the chamber.

It is a draft treaty that means
that we will leave the EU

in a smooth and orderly way
on the 29th of March, 2019.

Holy shit, they laughed in her face
at the concept of this going well.

I know that must've been
a humiliating moment for her,

but I still have to ask:

what was it like
getting a laugh in England?

Was it nice?
I bet it was nice.

I never managed it myself, but
in my dreams, it's always nice.

But the reason they're laughing
is that whatever Brexit is going to be,

it's going to be a shit show.

Picture a dozen toddlers
trying to split a check

or an orgy
in Italy organized by cats.

It's gonna
be that level of clusterfuck.

What's happening is complicated,
but let me explain:

politicians who wanted to remain in
EU hate this deal for obvious reasons.

Politicians who wanted
to leave also hate this deal,

it's not what they promised people,
which was that the EU would let Britain

leave with all the benefits of
membership and no consequences.

Pro-Brexit politicians are now
basically parents

who promised
their daughter a unicorn.

May is presenting them a horse with
an ice cream cone glued to its head

and they're saying:
"No! That's unacceptable!"

"Get our daughter a real unicorn
or she'll think we lied to her!"

But you did lie,
you fucking idiots,

so you'd better put a bow
on that ice-cream horse

or get ready
for a very hard conversation.

May's deal looked
doomed from the start,

as it had barely been announced
before this happened.

Prime Minister
Theresa May appears to be

growing politically weaker as seven
members of her own government quit.

Even Dominic Raab,

the person leading the Brexit
negations with Brussels, resigned.

The person who negotiated the deal
resigned because of how bad it is.

It's like if you woke up after major
surgery, and the surgeon told you

he quit being a doctor because
of how your operation went.

What the fuck happened?
What did you do?

The wheels are coming off.
And considering the pro-Brexit campaign

was criticized for a misleading use
of statistics,

it doesn't help matters that one
minister, Rory Stewart,

tried to sell the deal during
a radio interview like this.

The reason why 80 percent of
the British public support this deal

is because what it does...

80 percent of the British public
support this deal?

The draft deal? How on earth
do we know that yet?

- Let me back on that.
- Where did that 80 percent come from?

I'm producing a number to try
to illustrate what I believe.

Wait. You don't get to make up
numbers to show your feelings!

If you are gonna do that,
make up some fun ones.

Florty gerkillion percent of
the British public supports this deal,

that's threlve out of every
four-leventy-teen people in Britain.

When pollsters gave people
the options of May's deal,

no deal, or no Brexit at all, more
than half chose "no Brexit".

What happens is not clear.
Don't just take that from me.

Take it from someone
whose job it is to know this.

Where are we in all
of this Brexit process?

People like me are paid to have insight
and foresight and hindsight

about these things, and to be able
to project where we're going to go.

To be quite honest,
I haven't got the foggiest idea

what is gonna happen
in the coming weeks.

Is the prime minister gonna get
a deal with the EU? Dunno.

Is she gonna be able to get it
through the Commons? Don't know.

Yeah. I feel you, buddy.
Your glasses and your accent say:

"I have valuable information
to impart" but your words say:

"the world may have finally
slipped into a chaos so dark"

"that the only thing I can say
now is, dunno."

We are truly brothers,
outmatched British dweeb.

It's been quite a year.
So basically, no one has the foggiest.

The people of the UK aren't even
gonna be able to see this segment,

because we showed that House
of Commons clip earlier,

and, as we've discussed
before, in the UK,

it's illegal to use parliamentary
footage for the purposes of comedy,

even when the footage is of Parliament
literally laughing at someone.

Last time this happened, we replaced
the segment for UK viewers

with five minutes of Gilbert Gottfried
reading three-star Yelp reviews

of restaurants in Boise, Idaho,
as punishment.

The law in the UK hasn't changed,
so for viewers there,

it's gonna be Gilbert o'clock,

Rather than seeing this, people
in the UK are gonna have to watch

Gilbert reading extracts from
Theresa May's 585-page draft deal.

Here is just a little taste.

The provisions of union law
governing wholesale electricity markets

listed in Annex 7 to this protocol
shall apply,

under the conditions
set out therein.

It's not gonna be pleasant.
And the UK can't complain,

they brought this on themselves.

Who knows what is going
to happen with Brexit?

Some in the government claim
they'll renegotiate,

despite the fact the EU
says that is not happening.

Over half of the public now seem
to think Brexit's a bad idea,

but Theresa May ruled out
a second referendum.

The only thing I can say for sure
at this point

is that the chances of Brexit being
a complete shit-show next year

are approximately
4 trillion percent.

That's not based
on any studies or polls.

I'm just producing a number
to try to illustrate what I believe.

And now, this.

Some Clips That Have, To Put It
Mildly, Not Aged Well.

This is Piers Morgan Tonight.

I'm Harvey Weinstein,
filling in for Piers Morgan.

And I'm Matt Lauer
and I'm too old to have sex.

I love Matt Lauer, but my husband
Craig is my Matt Lauer.

Tell us who your dream teacher is,
tweet it, #dreamteacher.

I would go with Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby is here, telling stories
from his latest book.

I am Mario Batali.

I more or less do whatever the hell
I want, whenever I want to.

A man with a plan!

I'm here at Soldier Creek Elementary
with Jared the "Subway Guy".

You've been an inspiration
to many people and to these kiddos.

Kevin Spacey, hello. When you do
the workshops with young people,

what are you trying
to convey to them?

I'm looking
for the shy kid.

I'm pleased to have Kevin Spacey
back at this table.

Charlie Rose called me and
said: "I want you to do the show".

If you say no to Charlie in New York,
your social life ends.

There's also this issue
of sexual harassment,

which is in lots of conversation,
lots of women coming forward.

A lot of talk about what
it means and where it's going.

Moving on. This is actually
our last show of the season.

For our main story,
we thought we'd pull back

and look at one of the biggest
questions that defined this year:

How good was "A Star Is Born?"

- I did see "A Star is Born".
- Yes! A great movie.

- And it was amazing?
- Amazing.

- It's still on my heart.
- Yeah, it lingers.

Bradley Cooper
had a hold of my soul.

It's beyond great.

Maybe it's time to
let the old ways die.

Bradley Cooper, my gosh! Tears!
Amazing! Go see the movie.

That guy loves it, and he's the center
for the Dallas Cowboys!

No one doesn't like
"A Star is Born"!

It's the one movie that even
Neil deGrasse Tyson can't ruin!

John, I had a small issue
with the film.

If you want to know how
a star is "actually" born,

you start with a gas cloud.

Shut up!

You shut up, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

Let this be the one thing about stars
you don't fucking ruin!

We're not talking about
"A Star Is Born" tonight.

We're gonna talk about the exact
opposite of that movie:

the troubling rise of authoritarian
leaders around the world.

There has been a lot of them.
The ones you instinctively think about,

like Putin and Xi Jinping, who've
been consolidating their power.

The re-election of strongmen
like Hungary's Orban

and Turkey's Erdogan,
and then there's what happened

last month in the world's
fifth largest country.

Brazil has a new president,

the latest nation
to elect a far-right leader.

Extreme right Bolsonaro has exalted
the country's military dictatorship,

advocated torture and threatened
to destroy, jail,

or drive his opponents
into exile, he's calling for unity.

That's nice,
he's calling for unity, is he?

He expressed an affection for torture
and dictatorship before that

and political platforms
are like Tinder profiles,

once you advocate torture, it doesn't
matter what else you say,

it's all people are gonna remember
and for good reason.

While no two authoritarian
leaders are the same,

the global trend toward them
is alarming.

In many cases,
people are actively choosing them.

One-third of the world's population
lives in a backsliding democracy.

You may have been watching the news
and found yourself saying:

"what is happening to the world
and why?"

Let's look at three common traits
authoritarian leaders tend to have,

to try and figure out what can
make them so appealing to people

and to what extent this country is
heading in the same direction.

The first trait
is projecting strength.

Authoritarians tend to love
grand displays of force,

like the military parades
featuring weaponry

that you see in China,
North Korea, Venezuela and Russia,

where they'll even sometimes throw
in a musical number.

Word of warning, Russia:

that's what musicals are like
when you don't allow gay people.

Experts will tell you that spectacles
like those serve a purpose,

as many authoritarians project
strength out of concern

that they may be seen
as illegitimate.

In the same way that a man
who is insecure about his penis

buys a motorcycle, takes up
bodybuilding, or invents the "Tesla".

How weird is your penis, Elon?
How weird is it?

Projecting military strength
often isn't enough.

Many tend to conflate their
country's national identity

with their personal identity,
so they need to appear strong, too.

The most obvious example
of this is Vladimir Putin,

who's taken so many glamour shots,
there are calendars of him.

The latest ones feature him
cuddling leopards,

taking a shirtless ice bath
and sunbathing, which... cool.

But he's not alone. There's also
Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov's

ridiculous workout videos, which
I cannot recommend highly enough.

It's like watching
a Keebler elf get ripped.

My favorite example
of this is also the saddest.

Watch as the authoritarian
President of Turkmenistan

forces his cabinet to watch him
take a gold bar and do...

... whatever this is.

When you go to work tomorrow
and you're forced to laugh

at your supervisor's dumb jokes,
just spare a thought

for the people who had to give
a standing ovation to their boss

for lifting a golden curtain rod.

Authoritarians are obsessed
with projecting strength.

They often tell their citizens that
strength is necessary to protect them.

From what? That brings us
to their second major trait,

a tendency to demonize enemies.

Authoritarians often go out
of their way to identify

a group of evildoers from whom they,
and they alone, can save the country.

Duterte rose to power by claiming
he was the antidote to drug crime.

Since 2016, Human Rights Watch
estimates that his drug war

has killed more than 12000 people,
many of them extrajudicially.

That shouldn't be surprising,

given that this was an actual message
his campaign issued at Christmas.

I'm still only human so allow me
to make a greeting.

Merry Christmas
to you drug addicts,

corrupt politicians and criminals

and all else who make life hard
for the Filipinos.

So, if you don't cease and
still continue your brutality,

this will be
your final Merry Christmas.

That is a hard turn
in a Christmas message.

It does remind me: with
Thanksgiving coming up this week,

I'd like to wish a Happy Thanksgiving
to everyone watching.

Especially if you're a turkey.
We're gonna slit your throat,

stuff your dumb bird corpse with
bread, chopped vegetables,

garlic and rosemary, and bake you
in an oven for four hours.

It's what you fucking deserve.

This will be your final
Happy Thanksgiving.

Sorry. Where was I?
Authoritarians need enemies

because one of their greatest appeals
is making a complicated world simple.

If you're under attack
or you've been made to feel that way,

it is nice to have an individual say:
"fuck rules, the system, I got this."

That's an impulse
we're all vulnerable to.

Take me: I believe in the separation
of powers and the rule of law.

If America were to descend into
a civil war, and someone said:

"What if we just let Tom Hanks
figure it out?"

A not insignificant part of me
would go: "Yeah. That seems nice."

In fact, all praise Daddy Hanks. Long
live the Gump. Death to his enemies.

When people are frightened, they can
be more susceptible to authoritarians.

That is why, if a real threat
doesn't present itself,

strongmen will sometimes
make one up,

often targeting a group persecuted,
like immigrants or minorities.

Viktor Orban's rightward turn
in Hungary has been accompanied

by stoking fear of Muslims
and refugees.

When Putin was facing a dip
in popularity a few years ago,

he went after gay people,

suggesting that homosexuality was
a weapon of the EU to weaken Russia.

Sounds ridiculous,
but judging by this man,

the message may have got across.

Russia is not Europe. We have our
own conservative traditional values.

In Europe
these boundaries are being crossed.

They're legalizing pedophilia,
zoophilia. They have zoo brothels.

Wait, do they?
Are you sure?

I'm pretty confident that there is
no such thing as a zoo brothel.

A zoo brothel is, if anything,
just a regular zoo

where you slip the zookeeper 20 bucks
to leave you alone in penguinarium.

Don't think about that if you don't
like it, just don't absorb it.

Just don't absorb
the idea in your mind.

You would hope that
an independent press,

or an opposition party, might
push back on that sort of bullshit,

which brings us to our final key
trait, dismantling institutions.

As they gain power, authoritarians
will try to weaken any check on them.

Journalists in authoritarian
regimes are threatened,

imprisoned, killed,
or, in Putin's Russia,

have tragic accident that hopefully
others may learn from

and authoritarians will also attack
foundational checks and balances,

like courts and legislatures.

The structures of government in
Turkey, China, Hungary and Venezuela

have all been modified to consolidate
power under their leaders.

As Poland becomes
increasingly authoritarian,

their de facto leader no longer has to
worry about the country's highest judge

because his party cleverly managed
to force them out

simply by lowering
their retirement age.

When some judges showed up
to work anyway in protest,

an official had
this patronizing response.

They can enter the building,
they can be there,

they can be there as guests,

but they cannot work as judges
because they are retired.

I really don't blame those judges
for being furious,

because there are only two
ways to really piss off a judge!

One: force them into retirement.
Or two: ask how many brews

they'd usually pound when
working out with PJ and Squee.

They don't like that at all.

Projecting strength, demonizing
enemies and dismantling institutions

are some key
things authoritarians do.

If you're wondering: "who would
ever want a leader who does that?"

The answer is: lots of people.
Many people support Duterte

not despite his authoritarian
tendencies, but because of them.

Filipinos have become too
disorderly and comfortable.

We need a president that can implement
measures and discipline us.

It's so obvious that the media
is biased, they only show the killings.

Why don't they show other stuff
he's doing,

like the infrastructure
he's building?

Wait! What? It is incredible
to hear someone claim,

brushing off killings and complaining
that more attention

should be paid to infrastructure.

She must be the only person
who could hear a story

about a death squad
throwing someone off a bridge

and say: "Wait, tell me
more about that bridge."

"Sturdy enough
for a whole squad? Very impressive!"

As we have gone through these traits,
you may have found yourself thinking:

"Some of these are ringing a bell."

We do now have to bring the story
back around to this guy.

Our president. Because he
exhibits many of the things

that you've seen so far tonight.

He loves appearing strong.
He wanted a military parade.

When it comes to demonizing
enemies, he's gleefully gone

after immigrants
and other marginalized groups,

as well as picking aggressively
optional battles with Canada,

the NFL, Mark Cuban,
the FBI, Robert De Niro,

the 2017 Emmy Awards, Puerto Rico,
the Postal Service,

an upscale farm-to-table
restaurant in Virginia, the NSA,

LaVar Ball, the city of Chicago,
Mayor of London, the CEO of Merck,

and Chrissy fucking Teigen.

And that is only counting
the Twitter feuds.

Trump has expressed admiration for
many of the authoritarians you've seen,

including praising Duterte for
the "unbelievable job" he was doing

cleaning up crime
in the Philippines.

Trump retweeted a parody account
that attributed to him the quote:

"It is better to live one day as a lion
than 100 years as a sheep",

which isn't something that Trump
said, it's a slogan Mussolini used.

That's right, it was
synonymous with pasta Hitler.

When that was pointed out
to Trump, this was his response.

- Did you know it was Mussolini?
- It's okay to know.

Mussolini was Mussolini.
It's a very good quote.

It's a very interesting quote.
I know who said it.

What difference does it make whether
it's Mussolini or somebody else?

You want to be
associated with a fascist?

with interesting quotes.

Okay. So, first, let's agree:
there is a roughly 50 percent chance

that Trump thinks that Mussolini
is just an Italian moose.

It's a coin flip. And second:

if being associated with
"interesting quotes" is the goal,

there are better ones, attributed to
people who committed fewer crimes.

How about this one:

"Another thing I like to do is give
my vagina a little vitamin D."

Trump didn't say that,
Shailene Woodley did,

but it's an interesting quote and
one we should associate Trump with.

That was from before
he was elected president.

His entire tone on the campaign trail
was of an unapologetic strongman.

I'm gonna bomb
the shit out of them. It's true.

I don't care.

I'd like to punch him in the face.

We're keeping that open and we're
gonna load it up with bad dudes.

Torture works, folks.

I have these guys: "torture doesn't
work." Believe me it works, ok.

So "bomb, punch,
imprison, torture."

We just need to see Trump lift a gold
bar and do a topless calendar shoot

and we've basically got
authoritarian bingo.

People liked that. It may be the thing
about Trump they liked the most.

Watch how he described
how Putin deals with journalists.

And then they said:
"he's killed reporters."

I don't like that.
I'm totally against it.

By the way, I hate some of these
people, but I'd never kill them.

I hate them. No, I think, no,
I'll be honest...

I would never kill them.
I would never do that.

Let's think!
No, I wouldn't.

I would never kill them.
But I do hate 'em.

Some of them are such lying,
disgusting people. It's true.

That is legitimately scary.
I know that Trump is kidding,

but I'm not sure that everyone
in that audience is

and they are flirting with
something very dangerous.

Trump will do anything if it gets
a big enough cheer.

The difference between him joking
about something and doing it,

is only about 30 decibels
on the applause-o-meter.

The real worry here isn't just
that Trump sounds like an authoritarian

it's that many people
like the way that sounds.

We need somebody tough.
Trump shows toughness.

We got somebody with balls.

He's a man that says what he says
and he doesn't back down.

I'll feel safer in our
country with him as a president.

If Jesus Christ gets down off the cross
and told me Trump is with Russia,

I would tell him, hold on, I need
to check with the president.

I don't know what's more depressing:

the thought of that man believing
Trump over Jesus

or the thought
of Jesus coming back

as someone who won't shut up
about Trump and Russia.

We get it. We all agree with
you, but you know, we get it.

No, I didn't see Maddow, Jesus.
Was she on fire?

It's pretty clear that Trump
shares many characteristics

with authoritarian leaders.

We're not currently
an authoritarian state.

So why is that? While Trump
has done terrible things as president,

our institutions,
generally speaking, so far,

have been strong enough to hold up
against his authoritarian instincts.

He's not managed to shut
down the Mueller investigation, yet.

He wants to end birthright citizenship,
but that's not what a president can do.

His efforts to ban a CNN reporter
from the White House were halted

by a judge that he himself had
appointed and that's good,

but there's no doubt
Trump is testing the system.

Appointing this well dressed
fire hydrant as his attorney general

is a worrying sign.

As are his attempts
to delegitimize elections

by declaring results
he doesn't like fraudulent.

So people do need
to remain vigilant.

That is the key thing here:

while we may talk about
"institutions being strong",

what that means is that people
are working hard to protect them

and to use them to contain
his president's worst impulses.

He's lost in court,
because people have sued him.

He's kept the Russia
investigation going,

his advisors know there would be
a public outcry if he stopped it.

is able to check him going forward,

because people
turned up at the midterms.

It is going to be even more
important to keep doing those things.

The world is dabbling with
something very dangerous.

America needs to be careful.

I know democracy can be,
often by design, frustrating.

Checks and balances
can be irritating and slow

and might not deliver
the outcome you wanted.

But removing them opens
the door to something worse.

That is true whether you live
in Russia, Turkey, Hungary,

the Philippines, Brazil,
or, yes, the United States.

I know that America is a different
country, with a different history

and, thankfully, more
resilient institutions.

But that is no cause for complacency
because the truth is,

the honest answer to "could
authoritarianism happen here?"

is, and possibly always will be:
No, I think, no...

Probably no. And now this.

Sportscasters Who Are Too Enthusiastic
About Sports They're Casting.

You know what?
No. Not "And Now" That.

Every week I read
these stupid title cards,

but I'm capable
of so much more.

I studied Shakespeare.
I do impressions.

Are you talkin' to me?
(That's De Niro).

Not bad, right?

That's all you get.
I'm out of here.

The Cold,
Inky Blackness Of Space.

How do you like that, assholes?

Moving on. So as this is
our final episode of the year,

we wanted to thank you
for watching.

We had a lot of fun, despite,
you know, the world.

We started a crisis pregnancy center,
had Wilmer Valderrama in a bird suit,

we wrote a book
about Mike Pence's rabbit,

and you bought it a lot,
raising a huge amount of money

for The Trevor Project
and AIDS United...

We did an episode
on Xi Jinping

that got HBO's website
temporarily blocked in China.

We talked to Anita Hill about her
experiences in a prescient interview

and we put Gritty
on our dog Supreme Court.

A quick update about my personal
favorite moment from this year.

We like to buy stupid things.
For instance, last year,

we bought five wax presidents: Carter,
Nixon, Harding, Clinton and Harrison

and we made a movie about the life
of Warren G. Harding with Laura Linney.

We promised you we would try and
use the rest of the presidents,

but we never
got around to it.

This year, we bought
something even dumber.

When Russell Crowe
held his divorce auction,

we bought a bunch of his memorabilia,

including his jockstrap from
the 2005 film "Cinderella Man",

which we then donated to one
of the last Blockbusters in Alaska.

And to his immense credit,
Russell Crowe used the money

to fund the John Oliver Koala
Chlamydia Ward at the Australia Zoo.

That is a burn so harsh

that only koalas with chlamydia
can sympathize.

It was a truly life-affirming sequence
of events,

although I'm sorry to say that
I do have a sad update

on the "Alaskan Blockbuster"
part of that story.

Alaska's last Blockbuster Video
stores are calling it quits.

John Oliver tried to draw attention
to these stores, to save them.

He gave them a leather jockstrap
that Russell Crowe wore.

- That would call attention to...
- Incredibly, that did not help.

First, fuck you, just a little bit.

It is sad. I didn't expect
the jockstrap to save Blockbuster.

As amazing as Russell Crowe's
leather scrotum holster is,

I didn't think it had the power
to make Netflix disappear.

If you wonder what happened
to Crowe's merchandise,

I have good news
and bad news.

The good news is, there's one
remaining Blockbuster in America.

It's in Oregon, and all the items
were sent there.

The bad news is
one of them went missing.

And tragically,
it was the jockstrap.

There were actually numerous
stories about its disappearance.

I am sorry to tell you that we have
no idea where Crowe's jockstrap is.

We simply don't. Except for
the fact that we actually do.

Not only do we know where that
jockstrap is, we asked ourselves:

"what would be the single
dumbest possible way to pay tribute"

"to the most stupid
thing happened this year?"

And the answer, we hope
you will agree, was this.

All right, listen up.
We've robbed banks, museums,

casinos, but this,
this is the big one.

The greatest heist of all time.
We're gonna steal

Russell Crowe's jockstrap from
the 2005 film "Cinderella Man".

The Wax and The Furious

This won't be easy. That's why
I've hired the best of the best:

Tricky Dick, the best damn
explosives man in New York City,

Jimmy C-Note, Mr. Fix-It himself,
there's no ride he can't chop,

Willy Pneumonia,
a sick man with a sick rap sheet.

Billy Wheels,
the man with the master...

I'm not really sure what he does.

And of course our ringleader,
the OG himself, G-Dawg.

Like I said, this won't be easy.

This could get messy.

They're gonna throw everything
they got at us.

You ready to do this?

Buckle up, motherfuckers.

These guys are everywhere!
Cover me!

Where did that come from?

That's how it's done!

Warning, security breach.

You think this is over?

We have the strap.

Don't you let that jockstrap
get away, G-Dawg.

Stay on him!

Who the hell
do these guys work for?

Hello, my pretty.
I've missed you.

Welcome home.

That's our show.

Our thanks to Armie Hammer,
Russell Crowe and the boyz.

Thanks for watching this year.
We'll be back in February. Good night!

Are you not entertained?

My pretty.