Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript
Is Harrison your real name?
Every word is a lie.
He wasn't nasty.
He'd stolen a square meal.
ELLIE: A Banksy is worth millions.
I get to interview Judith Tyzack.
I didn't realise that you were gay.
It's not why I invited you here.
You thought that I'm...?
No!
Ted! How are we all?
We love him! We could put them up
for a couple of
nights, couldn't we?
I do think he is losing it a bit.
Where is he?
Ted!
ALAN: Ooh, asparagus!
Pushing the boat out.
Thank you.
It's very nice with, um,
poached egg.
And a bit of cod. Someone's in
for a treat at teatime.
Have you tried asparagus
with scrambled eggs and truffle oil
and a bit of Parmesan? No.
We had it in Cornwall. Cornwall!
And we had it with a glass of
champagne.
HE CHORTLES
You all right, Alan? Oh...!
Well, well, well. Look who's here.
You got t'job, then?
You owe me an explanation.
And an apology.
Nice to see you again.
Settling in all right?
Are you collecting your vouchers,
love? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Do you want a hand
bagging up there, missis?
No! Get your mucky hands off.
Do you know him?
No, not... Look, if David cops you,
there'll be bother.
Yeah, but I ain't nicked owt.
I don't do that sort of thing any
more.
Full of sugar, them.
Want to be careful.
What time does your shift
finish, Alan? Who wants to know?
I thought we could get
hot chocolate together.
Upstairs in t'cafe. With whipped
cream and sprinkles.
They do chips as well.
Why aren't you at school?
Oh, that's a waste of time.
I know it all already.
Oh, is that it?
I just upset all the other kids.
I make 'em feel, you know...
..inadequate.
There you go, love. Thank you.
Thank you.
Take care.
Mind how you go.
Do you like little boys, Alan?
You're targeting the wrong
person, Harrison.
Can you lend me 50 pence?
Well...I can give you 50 pence.
Make it a fiver and I'll make
sure nobody touches your car.
I can only repeat, you're targeting
the wrong fella, Harrison.
I've been on this planet 82 years,
and if there's one thing I've
learnt,
it's to not pander to bullies,
who, usually,
haven't thought things through.
CHECKOUT BEEPS
What you doing? I was only joking.
I'm short of pound coins.
Thought you were getting me
chucked out.
David told me that, er,
you live at a foster home
up Norland. Do you? Oh, it's just
a temporary arrangement
while me dad gets back from Los
Angeles. I thought he was in Dubai.
He gets all over.
He said you run away
and live in folks' sheds.
Do you?
No.
Why aren't you at school?
A bright lad like you.
I don't fit in.
I don't believe that.
I get picked on, and they never know
what to do with me.
And they never know me name, cos
I'm not there often.
And it'd help if
I concentrated...
..apparently, but...
All right, Alan?
Oh, yeah, I'm short of pound coins.
You can get off on your break,
actually, if you like.
Ooh, smashing. Can you remember how
to log yourself out of your till?
Er, yeah... Oh, I think so.
That's it. Am I having that
50 pence or what?
No, not right now you're not.
We're not allowed cash on us,
not on t'shop floor.
Why? Don't they trust you?
Is he pestering you?
No! No, not really.
What about that hot
chocolate, then?
I've got a phone call to make.
I'll go upstairs
and wait for you, Alan.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, it will be there.
I guarantee it. Yeah.
No.
Here we go, lads.
Two with sugar, one without.
And some biscuits.
Oh, thanks, Mrs Buttershaw. I like
to keep the workers happy.
I can guarantee it will be
tomorrow.
Maybe you could
collect a payment? Yeah.
Just checking you've not
wandered off again.
I shall wander off again
if you don't stop mithering me.
Well, if you do, can you leave
a note?
So we're not ringing the police.
It's a bugger when a fella
can't go for a walk
without folks calling the filth.
It was bucketing down!
Not when I set off.
When I set off, it was very fair.
Mm, so you say.
At five o'clock in the morning!
Best time of the day.
Look, are we really
going back over this again?
PHONE RINGS
Oh.
Oh! Now what?
Hello!
How's it going? Well, they've made a
right mess.
And Martin doesn't do anything,
he's just on his phone
all day. The other two are
very polite.
Still, they've got to rip the old
kitchen out
before they put the new one in.
I'm just sitting here
twiddling my thumbs.
Aren't we, Ted?
Eh? Well, that's handy.
Can you do summat for me?
Can you nip down here on a bus
and take the Lexus back
home with you?
A bus? Yeah.
There'll be one at quarter to,
just opposite the gate.
You can be here in 40 minutes.
Well, why?
Oh...this little kiddie.
Asking me for money.
I'm sure he wouldn't really...
A little kiddie? Well, yeah.
He wouldn't do anything.
I just don't want
to risk it, and I know you'd be
upset if it got scratched.
What, you mean protection money?
Well, yeah, but...
The little sod.
Er, yeah... Well, ring the police.
Oh, well, they never turn up,
apparently.
See, this is what happens when folk
start working in supermarkets.
Is Ted all right?
Yeah, he's fine. He's here.
Well, bring him down with
you on the bus.
We don't want him
wandering off again.
How do you fancy getting a bus down
to Sowerby Bridge, Ted?
Oh, I like a bus ride.
PUPILS AND TEACHER CHATTER
Caroline!
Judith Tyzack's PA's just
texted to say they've set off,
so they should be here in
40 minutes.
Oh, thanks.
So exciting!
Everyone's absolutely buzzing!
That's good. Good.
I know I am.
Helen? Yeah.
Just out of interest... Yeah.
..did you, erm...
..did you know that I'm gay?
I think I did.
Yeah. It's not a conversation
we've ever had, but, er...
No, but, er...
Now you've said it. Mmm.
See, I thought everyone knew.
I've never hidden it, have I?
I mean, I've never made a
song and dance about it, cos
I'm... Cos I'm not...
Well, just cos I'm not with
anyone at the moment. But
I've never hidden it.
My cousin's gay.
Him and his boyfr...
Well, he would be, wouldn't he?
His boyfriend.
You see, I just... I mentioned it
to someone the other day.
And this someone was really
shocked,
in a bad way, and
it's shaken me, because...
Well, I thought people just weren't
funny about things like that
any more,
and I just thought
that people knew anyway.
Anyway, thank you.
I'll catch you later.
Do you want me to tell people?
Er, yeah. No. Yeah, whatever.
If it arises, sure. Not that it...
Well, why, would it?
But, yeah. If... Yeah.
Sure.
Perfect. Thank you.
Oh, hi, Ruth!
Gosh, you must be excited! Good
luck!
Thanks.
I don't think I should do this.
Why? Why not? What do you mean?
I should've said it sooner,
I shouldn't have left it till now,
but... Yeah, it's...
These are the questions that I
compiled, if they're any help.
Probably best if you do it.
Why? "Why?"
Well, you know her work.
You love her work.
That's why I asked you.
Why is it better if I do it?
No, that's not why you asked
me. No, it is.
No, you asked me
so that I'd be grateful to you.
Wow.
Be honest.
Right. And because it was
a handy excuse to invite me round to
your house. Oh, for fuck's...
I asked you because you know her
work better,
a lot better, than I do.
I asked you because
I thought you'd be good at it,
and because I thought you'd be
thrilled by the idea, and you were!
And I asked you because...
You asked me because
you had ulterior motives.
God, you even called your
dog after me!
I did not call my dog after you.
And that's why I'm not doing it.
Because you made me feel cheap.
So thanks, but...
..I'm better than that.
And you know that I am such a big
fan of hers,
of her work. This could
have meant so much.
Don't make me run after you.
I can't do this,
not at this late stage.
I don't know enough!
It's not fair on the students,
and it's not fair on Judith.
I was so happy,
I was so touched
when you invited me round
for dinner.
I thought you were being a
friend.
And God knows
I could do with one right now.
I've had such a shit time lately
with that bastard,
and I thought you were being kind
and supportive and a good
boss. I-I-I was.
I am. I am a good...
No! You weren't.
You just wanted to...hit on me,
like all the other creeps
when they can see that you're
not in a good place.
Oh, that's... That... That's,
er... And even apart from that...
..you're 50-odd. I'm 38.
Look at yourself.
Is that water?
Or vodka?
Don't be pathetic.
You're not going
to make a fool of y...
I mean, by all means
make a fool of yourself,
but don't humiliate Caroline.
SHE SCOFFS
Not in front of her students.
I'm doing Caroline a huge favour
just by turning up, so don't
tell me how to behave.
It's water, all right?
If I say it's water,
why don't we just accept that?
All right?
It's water.
We ought to get a little
present while we're here,
for that fella and his dog.
What fella?
The fella that found you
wandering about up Norland
and rang the police.
I wasn't wandering about!
I just wanted to see Ladstone
Rock. I told you.
It's a wonder you're not
riddled with pneumonia.
What a bloody lot of fuss
about nowt.
It's no wonder Alan's gone
and got himself
that little job, if you go on at
him the way you go on at me.
We used to walk up to
Ladstone Rock.
Me and Alice.
Did you? From Elland.
When we were courting.
On a Sunday.
She liked it up there.
We both did.
Alan told me you'd brought
her ashes back with you.
Yeah.
HE MUMBLES
Yeah.
We're going to have to talk
properly, Ted,
about where you're going to live.
If you are stopping.
I thought I was stopping with you.
Did Alan not tell you?
CHERYL: Hello-hello-hello!
We meet again. Hiya!
I thought that were you,
Mr Buttershaw!
LOUDLY: Have you recovered?
HE SIGHS
Mrs Buttershaw.
What are you doing here? Well,
we came to collect the car.
We're waiting for Alan.
Apparently, some little kid
has threatened to damage it if he
doesn't give him some money.
I said, "This is what happens
"when folk start working in
supermarkets."
Yeah, have you seen him?
Well, someone said they'd
seen him up here.
No, I don't think so.
Why isn't he in school?
Oh, er, he's a bit of
character...is Harrison.
I'll cop him. He won't damage
your car, he's all mouth.
Do you want a cup of tea, or...?
Not when I'm on duty.
Go on, then.
I was, er, saying to Ellie,
t'size of her,
she wants to get off home
on maternity leave.
Can you get us two teas,
Jamie? Yeah, sure.
Ah! Here he is.
Hey. Car keys!
There you go.
Oh, hello.
Mr Buttershaw.
Well, how was the bus?
Not unpleasant.
Except it went round about
the houses and kept stopping.
Well, they do.
Ted's been telling me that you've
said he can stop with us.
When have I said that? Eh?
I've said that is a conversation we
need to have.
Right.
Eh, what's all this
about this Banksy
that's appeared on Slack
Alice's barn?
Sorry?
Oh, it isn't a real one.
I mean, it's very good, but I think
he'd have claimed it by now
if it were a real one.
You don't know.
It's been five days.
It's very good. All this to draw
attention to herself,
hasn't she, eh? Your Gillian?
It could be worth a lot
of money.
You'd think she'd know better.
HELICOPTER OVERHEAD
Fuck off!
ALL: What?
You! Sorry, love.
Twats.
Take your time!
Morons.
Morning.
Afternoon.
Have you seen Angus?
He's gone.
They've gone.
Gone? Both of them?
Yeah, yeah, they left. Drove off.
Where? York, I think.
Alyssa said she wanted to
see something in York.
And I think Angus was
just off home
when he'd dropped her off
at the station.
Bitch! I know!
She never said anything! Squeamish!
Not wanting to listen
to other folk shagging...
..all night.
They were knocking on t'door
at three o'clock this morning.
They didn't need to,
cos I never lock up.
Yeah, keep walking!
Sorry, love!
Tossers.
KNOCKING
Can I make some tea for me
and Mia?
What's mine is yours, I've told
you. You help yourself.
I wish that helicopter'd fuck off.
Did you ring Sotheby's?
Yeah.
Yeah, I e-mailed 'em a picture.
And?
SHE SIGHS
They'll be in touch if it turns out
to be real.
"Don't hold your breath," I think,
was their parting sentiment.
RIPS ENVELOPE OPEN
SHE SIGHS
Everything all right?
Hmm. Bank kindly offering
to extend my loan,
so I can get the roof fixed,
and in return they'll cripple me
slowly with increased monthly
repayments.
And I've got a mural outside that
may, just may, be worth
a million quid, except it probably
isn't. Isn't life full of....
..shit little ironies?
Here's a career tip for you.
What?
Sheep farming.
Just...
..don't.
SHEEP BLEAT
Don't.
OK.
SHEEP BLEAT
You couldn't drive me...?
I was doing all right, you know.
For once in my life.
Then this.
Can I do anything? Like what?
To help. Like what, though?
You couldn't give us a lift over
to my mum's house, could you?
Just stick to those five main
characters, all right?
Ruth Ben Reuben,
Robin - of Loxley, obviously -
er, then there's Malbisse - he's
the baddie. You know that.
Ket the Trow -
he's one of the Little People.
And Will Scarlett.
Stick to those five,
you can't go wrong.
Ask her about language.
She loves language.
Metaphors, similes,
all that. Alliteration.
The odd bit of assonance.
She thinks she's a grown-up,
so she likes to talk about
the use of language.
Yeah. Er, kick off by commenting
on how poetic her prose is,
on how particular her
vocabulary is,
and you'll have her
eating out of your hand.
Seriously, she's such a tart.
Yeah.
QUIETLY: There you go.
Thank you.
I mean, she is good, she can use
language.
It's just not quite as, er, Hilary
Mantel as she thinks it is.
Oh, er, and tell her
she writes like Rose Tremain!
She'll love you for ever if you
say that.
Hi.
Oh, hi. Er...
Yeah, your dad's here - she must be
here. I'm going to have to go.
OK.
Thank you. Good luck!
Thank you. I love you.
Love you. Bye.
She's a bit pissed.
Oh, good.
Are you all right?
Er...yeah.
The, er... The member of staff
I asked to do the interview
has, er, thrown in the towel,
so... Oh, no!
Yeah, so now I'm doing it, and I
have read one of her books, once,
and I have seen one of the
films, once,
and I kind of know who
everyone is, so, er...
How's the wedding plans going?
Er...urgh.
How's your...?
My...?
Lawrence said you had a new... No.
..woman? No.
Oh. He said... No.
So you're not...? No.
Oh.
Are you all right? Yes! Look, it's
only Judith you're interviewing.
This isn't attractive.
Judith, these are
impressionable young people.
You are a role model.
They adore you.
They're not from privileged
homes.
You have a lot of power here.
You can do a lot of good.
What you cannot do,
however, Judith, is to...
Listen, Emily fucking
Dickinson...
Go into that auditorium
and fill that water in that jug
on that stage
with this water from
this bottle here,
and your career at MetaFable
will be bright, shiny,
and guaranteed.
You keep going on at me like this,
and you'll be lucky to find a
job shovelling shit
from Siberia to Outer Mongolia.
All right?
Judith!
Caroline! How are you?
Oh. Yeah, I'm, er...
Do you want to, er, go and sit in
the assembly hall?
I'll take it from here.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Helen!
Could you show John through to the
hall, please? The VIP seats.
Absolutely!
So excited.
WHISPERS: You sure?
Yeah.
So, how's it hanging?
Yeah, it's good.
Caroline?
No, I... I'm, er...
It's just, er...
Darling, what's happened?
Nothing. Er...
I've done so much for this school,
I've really turned it round,
and it was hard. I was bereaved.
And things like this are so
important for the students.
Getting someone like you here,
it means they matter.
And now I'm just going to let them
down. How? No, you're not.
The problem...
The immediate problem
is that the person who was supposed
to be interviewing you...isn't.
Why?
Because, oh...
Because she's accused me of
something...
..tawdry.
Which, you know me, I just wouldn't.
No! Would I?
Yeah, no. Course you wouldn't.
I would. You wouldn't.
And she really got the wrong
end of the stick. Well, not...
Not... But I didn't do anything,
for goodness' sake.
And then she said she's not
doing it, this, the interview,
so I'm doing it,
and I'm not prepared.
Not that I don't love your work
and your books, Judith, I...
I... I do. Er... No, I do.
You inspire children to read in
a way that's...
that's breathtaking.
I'd have reread them all
if I'd known that I was going
to, but... So it's shoddy.
And it's not fair on you,
it's not fair on the students,
it's not fair on me,
because I've not prepped,
and I've been made to feel
like some...some...
Well, I don't know what.
Some kind of a...
And I'm not, am I?
Or maybe I am?
Jesus!
No, Caroline.
Whatever's gone on, this person
needs their arse kicked.
You are the most decent
person I know.
Is that vodka?
No!
Could I have a swig?
Listen, babe, we can do this.
We can knock this little fella
outta the ball park.
Yeah, don't swear when you get out
there. Yeah. Don't swear.
Yeah. I won't swear.
Oh!
I thought they'd be here all day.
Who?
What d'you mean, who? Oh.
Oh, hell!
Now what?
I've got to pick our Flora and
Calamity up from school.
So don't get settled. Oh, I'll be
all right, I'll stop here.
You will not!
I can't have you wandering
off again.
Oh, er, here we go!
Bristol Live.
"On his Instagram account,
"the artist known as Banksy
"has finally denied..."
What? What?
What's he saying? Eh?
"Denied.
"Denied being behind
the striking giraffe image
"that appeared on a barn at Far
Slack Farm in Soyland, West
Yorkshire,
"over the weekend."
Oh! Well, that sucks!
What an A-hole! Is that definitely,
definitely, like,
how he tells people stuff?
Is that... Is that, like, for
definite?
Dunno, dunno. I dunno.
Yeah, looks like there's a
whole, like, gallery of stuff
he's denied being
responsible for.
That's a big load of
old pants, innit?
Yeah, he could've
pretended, hey? At least.
It's no skin off his nose.
SHEEP BLEAT
What's happened?
What's happening?
What's she doing, angel?
Dunno, babe.
GILLIAN GROANS
Gillian?
What's happening?
There were 30 ewes and
nearly 60 lambs in this field.
And now some
rubber-necking, trespassing...
..has gone and left the gate...
..wide open!
Gillian.
Yeah, right.
Obviously, that's exactly
what needs to happen next.
Aye-aye.
What do you want?
Come on, I'm busy,
I've got stuff to...
PHONE RINGS
In your own time.
Afternoon?
BOTH: Hello.
Fred.
Have a load of your sheep got out?
Yeah. Yeah, they have.
I've just found t'gate open,
just now.
Who is it?
Old lad lives down t'road.
Right, because they've been
at all them cannabis plants
that were fly-tipped down Hollin
Lane,
and they've been on t'main
road.
Oh, God. OK. Er, thanks, Fred.
Thanks for letting me know.
You want to get down there
and round 'em up, love,
before they cause an
accident. I will, I am doing.
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.
Yeah, so...
..we've got half a tonne of
mutton off their tits on cannabis
down in Millbank.
Have you ever seen a sheep
off its tits on cannabis?
No. No. No.
Lose all their inhibitions.
You see, normally, your average
Swaledale is fairly docile.
Meek. Self-effacing. Shy.
Not disposed to create anything
much in the way of drama.
They've terrorised the pre-school.
Six of 'em got on a bus,
held the driver up at gunpoint,
made him drive 'em into Halifax.
Six more went into the Old
Bridge Inn,
trashed the place with
baseball bats.
No, they didn't.
They've been mugging
pensioners. Fuck off, Cheryl.
Well, one of 'em got on a bus
and shat everywhere.
Several people's gardens have been
trashed, aggressively,
including the beer garden
down at the Old Bridge Inn.
One very unhappy 6'3",
18-stone landlord
who was formerly very proud
of his geraniums.
And, yeah, a couple of 'em
got into the pre-school
and upset the little 'uns. Really
upset them. We're talking tears.
Vomit and shit everywhere.
And...
..a pensioner's been knocked to the
ground outside the post office.
That's when I got called in.
So I suggest you get down
there with your trailer ASAP.
Then I suggest a few snivelling
apologies might not go amiss.
INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
I'm going to have to sort this
out.
Yeah. No, it's fine.
We'll, er, we'll help.
I'll bring my camera.
This gate...
..was left open...
..by some...
..coming to goggle at the vandalism
someone's done to my barn,
which I haven't even bothered
reporting to you lot
cos I know how not interested
you'll be.
SHE SCOFFS
And, also,
why aren't you lot doing anything
about the outlaws
that...that fly-tip the contents
of their nasty little cannabis farms
everywhere?
Happens all the time round here!
It's a... It's a weekly occurrence!
And you never catch 'em, because
they always seem to know
when you're going to bust 'em,
cos they always get tipped off,
probably by one o' your dippy
lot, and then this happens!
SHE SIGHS
It's a good job it's me on duty
and not Sergeant Cawood,
cos she'd rip your spleen out
through your nose for you,
speaking to a police officer
like that.
Ooh, scary.
Shaking. Look.
Go and get your trailer, and I'll
meet you down in Millbank.
You murdering bitch.
SHE SNIFFS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
JOHN: Well done! Well done!
That was terrific!
CAROLINE SIGHS
Both of you, absolutely splendid.
Oh, shut up. Was it?
I've heard it all before, obviously,
but somehow, I don't know,
it all came up fresh.
Well done. Well done, Caroline.
You didn't mind me dropping that
into the conversation, did you?
Sorry.
About you being gay.
Oh!
It just came out.
I assume they all know anyway.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they all... Yeah.
And they all cheered
and applauded when I said it.
Oh. God, they love you,
don't they, those kids?
God, they do! They really do,
Caroline.
Yes. Yes.
And I love them.
What super kids.
Oh, yes, they are. They...
They are.
Did you say that you wanted
me to do some photographs?
Oh, if you wouldn't mind.
Oh, I'd love to.
Oh, that would be so
generous of your time.
BELL DINGS
BELL DINGS
DOOR OPENS
Granny, wake up.
Grandad's here.
HE CHUCKLES
SHE GROANS
TED SNORES
We're going to have to get
some fish and chips for tea.
Can you pick some up on your way
back from Gillian's
when you take Calamity home?
I shall sleep well tonight!
Well, I hope I will.
It's been nonstop since you walked
out of that door this morning.
And I've had him
to trail round with me again.
All day.
Shh-shh! Oh, he's asleep.
And then I've been trying
to get hold of Martin,
but there's no reply.
We got back here at ten to
three, and they'd gone.
I assumed they were coming
back, but they haven't.
I'll have to have a sit-down
and a cup of tea
before I start taxiing people
about.
You used to be able
to rely on workmen.
He said ten days - max -
and we'd have a fully
functioning kitchen.
If he doesn't stick to that,
he's for the high-jump.
Where's t'kettle?
It's outside the bathroom.
Is it on?
Oh, you want me to put it on?
No, I'll do it.
Where are the mugs?
In the bedroom.
And the teabags are on the
windowsill in the living room.
And the milk's in the bathroom.
There's some teaspoons
chucking about somewhere.
Oh, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it.
No, you sit down.
You see,
I hadn't budgeted mentally
for me having to start picking
them two up on my own.
They're no trouble,
but they just never stop,
and it's easier to manage
them when there's two of you.
And Ted - bless him -
he's clueless with 'em.
And what was that in the cafe?
Him saying that you said he could
stay here indefinitely.
That, I'm telling you, is not a
conversation we've had.
He's come up with that himself.
He's in a world of his own.
You need to talk to him.
You need to find out what's
happening.
If I start digging for
information, he just grunts.
Who are you ringing? Gillian.
See if she can come over
and fetch Calamity.
Well, we'll still need to fetch
some fish and chips.
Caroline's here now, see?
CAR APPROACHES
Flora! Your mother's here.
GILLIAN: No, no. Right, listen...
PHONE BUZZES
No, no, no, the buck does
stop wi' you,
because if there's a right o'
way through your field,
you know you're more than likely to
get idiots leaving the gates open.
Oh, my God,
they're so fast, angel!
This is for your benefit,
not mine.
As a responsible landowner, you need
to be anticipating that.
You should be providing a stile,
which will allow them easy access,
and not let these evil little
bastards escape.
And look at Mrs Peacock.
She's traumatised!
She's distressed.
Oh, blimey.
HE CHUCKLES
Another few days,
and you won't recognise it!
It's gone to voicemail.
Are you all right, Alan?
Mm. He's exhausted.
..Flora!
TV ON
Are you all right? Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, I hope I'm fit to drive.
I was knocking back the
vodka this afternoon.
You were? At school?
It was only a nip.
Well, it was two nips.
The second was an accident,
but it's Judith.
You know what Judith's like.
Judith? Oh, she, erm...
Yes, she came to do this talk.
Well, it was a Q&A.
And somehow, God knows,
she managed to replace the
water in the jug
on the stage with vodka.
How?
So that took me by surprise about
halfway through the proceedings,
when my throat got a bit dry...
Anyway, it went very well,
vodka or no vodka.
Maybe because of the vodka.
Come on!
FLORA: Uncle Ted's snoring.
SHE CHUCKLES
You couldn't take Calamity back to
Gillian's for us, could you?
Yeah! It's the opposite
direction. ..Shh.
Well, not if you went over
the tops.
Yes, but I never go
over the tops,
because it's another 20 minutes.
It's all right. I'll take her.
I think, realistically,
we're going to have to rethink
this arrangement.
What arrangement? Us picking them up
after school.
BOTH: Why?
Because it's not us any more,
is it? It's me, on my own,
lugging him, Ted - bless him.
You know, since his escapade...
And then no kitchen to come home to
- not this week, nor next week.
Right. OK.
Well, that's going to be...
What?
Difficult. But, yes. Yes. OK.
I'll sort something else out,
then.
Come on, Calamity. Get your
stuff. I'll drive you home.
It's this damned job.
I've said everything I'm going
to say to him on the subject.
Come along, Flora.
Judith.
Judith. Judith!
We're back.
Oh.
I was thinking...
What? Well...
Do we NEED to get married?
I mean, I just think, you know,
aren't we all right as we are?
You mean, carry on? Yeah.
Like this? Yeah.
It works, doesn't it?
DOOR CLOSES
I realised something today.
Did you? Mm.
Something really quite...profound.
What?
I don't love you.
Never loved you.
We just...drifted into this
mess together
blindfolded, didn't we?
So yes, you're right -
we shouldn't get married.
In fact...
..you should leave.
Should I? What?
Well, I can't leave.
It's my house.
Was anyone hurt?
No. No, it was PC Nitwit
exaggerating.
ALAN CHUCKLES
I just had to spend
the afternoon apologising.
And people were kind, on the
whole, considering the damage.
Even the bloke at the pub...
..eventually.
I offered to do a couple of
hours in his garden for him.
And then I said I'd pop in on
Beryl, the pensioner,
and do a bit of shopping for
her, summat.
She wasn't hurt,
she was just shaken.
And the school, er, they...
..they want to bring a bunch
of kids up to look at the lambs
next season. So that's all
right, I can do that.
If I'm still here.
What do you mean?
Seven of 'em are still missing.
That's not including the two that
were knocked down and killed
on the main road, so that's...
..600 quid. It's gone.
And it isn't like I ever make
any money on the sheep.
Even at the best of times,
they only ever break even.
But that's...
SHE SIGHS
Oh, I thought it was such a good
move buying those ten acres,
but, of course, obviously not.
600 quid down and...
..I just can't face...
..the debt, the stress every day.
I could sell up, pay it all off.
Get a little place
down in Ripponden, little flat.
Couple of part-time jobs.
I'd be all right.
What about Raff and Ellie?
Hmm. They earn more than I do.
Not just between 'em.
Each.
You'd be miserable.
Not waking up to that view
every morning?
I think it only ever worked
before because you were here.
Before you married Celia.
Then Robbie came. And now...
..I feel like it's all
slipping through my fingers.
It's like every day
I'm fighting a losing battle.
And that...
VEHICLE APPROACHES
..barn...
VEHICLE STOPS
Oh, I wouldn't be sad
to get away from that.
ALAN STAMMERS
DOOR OPENS
Have you seen Instagram?
Yeah, yeah.
Right. Come on, you two. We can get
off now they're here.
There's no tea cooked -
I've been rounding up
escaped sheep all afternoon.
And I've said I'd drive these
two over to Caroline's.
How... How did they escape?
Folk coming to gawp at that
daub, leaving t'gate open.
Two of 'em are dead,
knocked down.
I've reported it now anyway,
officially, to the police,
as an act of vandalism.
RAFF: See ya. Bye.
MIA: Thanks for having us.
ELLIE: Pleasure.
Bye, Grandad. Thanks for
driving me home.
Bye-bye, love. Ta-ta.
See you.
DOOR CLOSES
I wish I could do something
for you. Yeah. Well...
How's your kitchen? Oh!
Are they an item?
Come on! I haven't got all week.
See you. Bye-bye, love. Don't work
too hard.
I enjoy it! They're nice folk.
It keeps me young.
Gets me out of the house.
CAR DOOR SHUTS
Right!
Let's try again, shall we?
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Celia? It's Nadine.
Oh, Nadine!
Hello, love! How are you?
Is it your dad you're after?
He's in the garden.
No, no, look. Listen, Celia.
No, I'm just, er, just phoning
to see if he's OK, that's all.
Yeah, he's fine.
Well, he's all right.
Well, he's a bit vague.
He wandered off the other
day, but we found him.
Well, a fella and his dog did.
Shall I fetch him?
No, no, no.
Celia, he won't want to talk to
me. Just, erm...
I just want to know, you know,
what the arrangement is.
Just so that I know he's all
right.
What arrangement?
There.
With him.
And you and Uncle Alan.
Well, there isn't one, as such.
I mean, he's said he wants to
stop.
And he can, but, er,
if it's going to be more
permanent,
well, you know, I mean,
I'm assuming he's not short of
money...
Nadine?
And he'll be able to buy
himself a little house.
You need to ask him about
Angelina.
Who?
He should tell you himself.
SHE SIGHS
You should hear his side of it.
Just ask him to tell you about
Angelina.
So, she's saying she's not
going to pick them up any more.
Either of them.
How's that going to work?
I've got a shift at Patterson's.
Me dad never said owt,
and I've just seen him!
Well, because he'll be in
denial, won't he?
Because he knows she'll be
saying it to guilt-trip him.
So, so... Sorry, is it OK
if Mia stays...
..here as well? As well as me?
Mm? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yay! I'll show you upstairs.
What happened to Alyssa?
Oh, erm, went to York with Angus.
FLORA: This way.
Yeah, we know where we're going!
I'm showing Mia! Mind the step.
My room's at the top of the
stairs.
Why's your dad got this job?
Oh, I think...
..to get out of the house.
To get away from my mother?
Are they an item?
She's about ten years older
than him.
Mmm. Three.
It's since Brexit, isn't it -
me dad and your mum?
They were never going to see
eye to eye about that,
and then it's just gone from
bad to worse,
as the months
have dragged on and on
into years.
The whole world's unravelling.
Mine is.
Is it? Is it? Mine is!
John and Judith are getting
married.
SHE CHUCKLES
Wow.
That's a special kind of crazy.
Why? It's her. It's her idea.
I think she's deluded.
I think she thinks
they're like that couple
out of Who's Afraid Of
Virginia Woolf.
You know, the ones who hate
each other and drink a lot.
The weird thing is, I think she
thinks it's romantic, or desirable,
or inevitable, or...
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY
OK.
I need a wife.
I need a husband.
It's odd.
When I saw John today,
it's the first time since we got
divorced that I realised
that...
..that just now and again
I almost miss him. Do you? Hmm.
Well, he was very sensible,
occasionally.
Occasionally, he'd put a
perspective on something
that made you realise
it was nowhere near as...
..worth committing suicide over
as you'd worked yourself up
into thinking it was.
So why's your world unravelling?
SHE SIGHS
Isn't it stupid how...
..one thing can undermine
your whole sense of...
..who you are, however smart you
think you are,
however resilient you
try and be?
Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, that's me.
I don't know how much longer
I can do this,
being a single parent.
Even with them picking her
up every day, it still feels like
it's just... It's juggling...
..too many things all the time.
And you cope, and you cope,
and then one thing...
How was your date?
It wasn't a date.
Ah. I see.
Is that...?
Move on. Rise above it.
You liked her. No, I didn't.
What happened?
You need a night out.
No. That's the last thing
I need. You do, you need...
No, I'm not going to Hebden
Women's Disco,
I've told you. Don't.
Why don't we just get pissed
together one night?
Because we'd wake up
the next day feeling worse.
I can't even afford to get pissed.
What am I talking about?
Oh, it's not a Banksy, then?
Mm.
I'm the same as you.
I was doing all right - coping,
managing,
even convincing myself
I was halfway to being happy.
And then just...
..one thing, one...
..dumb, random, idiotic thing.
And it's not even a Banksy!
I'm thinking I might sell up.
And do what?
Nothing. Just...
..call it a day,
find something else to do.
You can't do that.
No, I can.
CAR APPROACHES
CAR DOOR OPENS
He's here.
Do you want me to tell him?
Yeah.
We've had a phone call.
Oh? Nadine. Ringing to see what
the "arrangement" was.
I said, "What arrangement?"
And she said, "Tell him to tell you
about Angelina." He has no money.
He did sell the house for 1.5
million, but it's gone.
All of it. On a woman.
Eh? He met her on a dating site
for older folk.
Except that she was 54.
30 years younger than him!
It sounds like he went silly
over her.
She persuaded him to sell the
house
and buy somewhere smaller
to free up some money.
Only she liked spending -
holidays, cruises...
And then she asked him to invest in
her brother's business - boats.
And that was when the rot set
in, apparently.
Anyway, it's all gone.
Got about 20 grand left. 20?!
And Nadine's had her fair share.
Before they tell you any
different, the little bastards.
And then there's none of 'em
will have me!
So you've got nothing left -
at all -
except this 20 grand?
And where is she,
this...Angelina?
Well, it all ended rather
acrimoniously.
She moved on.
So...
..can I stop?
ROCK MUSIC BLARES UPSTAIRS
BED THUMPS
CAR APPROACHES
DOG BARKS
DOG WHIMPERS
Hello.
She's thrown me...
Well, she asked me to leave, so I
wasn't going to hang around.
I thought you were getting
married.
HE SCOFFS
And so why are you here?
Well, because she's thrown me...
Asked me to leave!
Well, so can I come in, then?
It's freezing!
But why are you here?
PHONE RINGS
Sorry?
They have hotels. Who do?
People.
People have hotels. For people.
Hello?
I'm coming in. Caroline?
Hello?
It's Judith.
Oh, hi.
..I am not your mother.
Sorry?
Yeah, listen.
I'm just ringing to say thanks
for today.
I really enjoyed it.
And I don't always,
doing things like that.
And I just wanted to say thank
you.
Oh, well, it was a pleasure.
..You can't just turn up here
thinking you've got a
God-given right to move in.
Yes, but...
No, I know that.
Yeah, and I just wanted to,
erm... Oh, why did I ever...?
Listen.
I realised something...
..really big today...
..when I saw you.
What?
Why did I ever look at anyone
else when I had you?
You wouldn't like to go...
..out for dinner with me,
would you?
She was a lovely person.
She fair cheered me up.
I'd got that used to being lonely,
I'd forgotten about being happy -
how it changes you,
lifts you up.
She liked doing stuff,
living life...
..having adventures.
It was my idea to put the house on
the market.
It made sense -
it was worth so much by then.
And the only cash I had
was my pension,
so it seemed daft sitting on it.
So...
..we were happy...
..for, what...
..about 18 months or so?
Until that business with her
brother cropped up.
KNOCK ON DOOR
I'll go.
Well, did you go to the police?
Yes.
Turns out, they think
it's not the first time
that they've taken someone
for a ride... Oh...
..these two. Do you mean, right from
the beginning, it was a scam?!
Hello, Rick. Mrs Buttershaw, erm,
I'm sorry about this,
but we think he's gone bust -
Martin.
He owes us six weeks' wages, me and
Adam, and he's disappeared.
We think he's gone bust.
Morning! Is this a bad time to
be calling?
Starting a relationship with an
alcoholic
is not at the top of my list
of things to do.
500 grand, all in.
All 35 acres, the house...
Is that what it's worth? I am
worried you're going to regret it.
I'd like to go to Bridlington.
I could drive you. I have a car.
We'd have to get the bus down to
Sowerby Bridge,
though, to pick it up. Ted?
HARRY: Ted's gone AWOL again.
He is not all there, is he?
Hey...
I don't remember any of this.
As well as that,
they think he's vulnerable.
We need to find him. Yes, I think
that's why we're all here.
Every word is a lie.
He wasn't nasty.
He'd stolen a square meal.
ELLIE: A Banksy is worth millions.
I get to interview Judith Tyzack.
I didn't realise that you were gay.
It's not why I invited you here.
You thought that I'm...?
No!
Ted! How are we all?
We love him! We could put them up
for a couple of
nights, couldn't we?
I do think he is losing it a bit.
Where is he?
Ted!
ALAN: Ooh, asparagus!
Pushing the boat out.
Thank you.
It's very nice with, um,
poached egg.
And a bit of cod. Someone's in
for a treat at teatime.
Have you tried asparagus
with scrambled eggs and truffle oil
and a bit of Parmesan? No.
We had it in Cornwall. Cornwall!
And we had it with a glass of
champagne.
HE CHORTLES
You all right, Alan? Oh...!
Well, well, well. Look who's here.
You got t'job, then?
You owe me an explanation.
And an apology.
Nice to see you again.
Settling in all right?
Are you collecting your vouchers,
love? Oh, yeah, thanks.
Do you want a hand
bagging up there, missis?
No! Get your mucky hands off.
Do you know him?
No, not... Look, if David cops you,
there'll be bother.
Yeah, but I ain't nicked owt.
I don't do that sort of thing any
more.
Full of sugar, them.
Want to be careful.
What time does your shift
finish, Alan? Who wants to know?
I thought we could get
hot chocolate together.
Upstairs in t'cafe. With whipped
cream and sprinkles.
They do chips as well.
Why aren't you at school?
Oh, that's a waste of time.
I know it all already.
Oh, is that it?
I just upset all the other kids.
I make 'em feel, you know...
..inadequate.
There you go, love. Thank you.
Thank you.
Take care.
Mind how you go.
Do you like little boys, Alan?
You're targeting the wrong
person, Harrison.
Can you lend me 50 pence?
Well...I can give you 50 pence.
Make it a fiver and I'll make
sure nobody touches your car.
I can only repeat, you're targeting
the wrong fella, Harrison.
I've been on this planet 82 years,
and if there's one thing I've
learnt,
it's to not pander to bullies,
who, usually,
haven't thought things through.
CHECKOUT BEEPS
What you doing? I was only joking.
I'm short of pound coins.
Thought you were getting me
chucked out.
David told me that, er,
you live at a foster home
up Norland. Do you? Oh, it's just
a temporary arrangement
while me dad gets back from Los
Angeles. I thought he was in Dubai.
He gets all over.
He said you run away
and live in folks' sheds.
Do you?
No.
Why aren't you at school?
A bright lad like you.
I don't fit in.
I don't believe that.
I get picked on, and they never know
what to do with me.
And they never know me name, cos
I'm not there often.
And it'd help if
I concentrated...
..apparently, but...
All right, Alan?
Oh, yeah, I'm short of pound coins.
You can get off on your break,
actually, if you like.
Ooh, smashing. Can you remember how
to log yourself out of your till?
Er, yeah... Oh, I think so.
That's it. Am I having that
50 pence or what?
No, not right now you're not.
We're not allowed cash on us,
not on t'shop floor.
Why? Don't they trust you?
Is he pestering you?
No! No, not really.
What about that hot
chocolate, then?
I've got a phone call to make.
I'll go upstairs
and wait for you, Alan.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, no, it will be there.
I guarantee it. Yeah.
No.
Here we go, lads.
Two with sugar, one without.
And some biscuits.
Oh, thanks, Mrs Buttershaw. I like
to keep the workers happy.
I can guarantee it will be
tomorrow.
Maybe you could
collect a payment? Yeah.
Just checking you've not
wandered off again.
I shall wander off again
if you don't stop mithering me.
Well, if you do, can you leave
a note?
So we're not ringing the police.
It's a bugger when a fella
can't go for a walk
without folks calling the filth.
It was bucketing down!
Not when I set off.
When I set off, it was very fair.
Mm, so you say.
At five o'clock in the morning!
Best time of the day.
Look, are we really
going back over this again?
PHONE RINGS
Oh.
Oh! Now what?
Hello!
How's it going? Well, they've made a
right mess.
And Martin doesn't do anything,
he's just on his phone
all day. The other two are
very polite.
Still, they've got to rip the old
kitchen out
before they put the new one in.
I'm just sitting here
twiddling my thumbs.
Aren't we, Ted?
Eh? Well, that's handy.
Can you do summat for me?
Can you nip down here on a bus
and take the Lexus back
home with you?
A bus? Yeah.
There'll be one at quarter to,
just opposite the gate.
You can be here in 40 minutes.
Well, why?
Oh...this little kiddie.
Asking me for money.
I'm sure he wouldn't really...
A little kiddie? Well, yeah.
He wouldn't do anything.
I just don't want
to risk it, and I know you'd be
upset if it got scratched.
What, you mean protection money?
Well, yeah, but...
The little sod.
Er, yeah... Well, ring the police.
Oh, well, they never turn up,
apparently.
See, this is what happens when folk
start working in supermarkets.
Is Ted all right?
Yeah, he's fine. He's here.
Well, bring him down with
you on the bus.
We don't want him
wandering off again.
How do you fancy getting a bus down
to Sowerby Bridge, Ted?
Oh, I like a bus ride.
PUPILS AND TEACHER CHATTER
Caroline!
Judith Tyzack's PA's just
texted to say they've set off,
so they should be here in
40 minutes.
Oh, thanks.
So exciting!
Everyone's absolutely buzzing!
That's good. Good.
I know I am.
Helen? Yeah.
Just out of interest... Yeah.
..did you, erm...
..did you know that I'm gay?
I think I did.
Yeah. It's not a conversation
we've ever had, but, er...
No, but, er...
Now you've said it. Mmm.
See, I thought everyone knew.
I've never hidden it, have I?
I mean, I've never made a
song and dance about it, cos
I'm... Cos I'm not...
Well, just cos I'm not with
anyone at the moment. But
I've never hidden it.
My cousin's gay.
Him and his boyfr...
Well, he would be, wouldn't he?
His boyfriend.
You see, I just... I mentioned it
to someone the other day.
And this someone was really
shocked,
in a bad way, and
it's shaken me, because...
Well, I thought people just weren't
funny about things like that
any more,
and I just thought
that people knew anyway.
Anyway, thank you.
I'll catch you later.
Do you want me to tell people?
Er, yeah. No. Yeah, whatever.
If it arises, sure. Not that it...
Well, why, would it?
But, yeah. If... Yeah.
Sure.
Perfect. Thank you.
Oh, hi, Ruth!
Gosh, you must be excited! Good
luck!
Thanks.
I don't think I should do this.
Why? Why not? What do you mean?
I should've said it sooner,
I shouldn't have left it till now,
but... Yeah, it's...
These are the questions that I
compiled, if they're any help.
Probably best if you do it.
Why? "Why?"
Well, you know her work.
You love her work.
That's why I asked you.
Why is it better if I do it?
No, that's not why you asked
me. No, it is.
No, you asked me
so that I'd be grateful to you.
Wow.
Be honest.
Right. And because it was
a handy excuse to invite me round to
your house. Oh, for fuck's...
I asked you because you know her
work better,
a lot better, than I do.
I asked you because
I thought you'd be good at it,
and because I thought you'd be
thrilled by the idea, and you were!
And I asked you because...
You asked me because
you had ulterior motives.
God, you even called your
dog after me!
I did not call my dog after you.
And that's why I'm not doing it.
Because you made me feel cheap.
So thanks, but...
..I'm better than that.
And you know that I am such a big
fan of hers,
of her work. This could
have meant so much.
Don't make me run after you.
I can't do this,
not at this late stage.
I don't know enough!
It's not fair on the students,
and it's not fair on Judith.
I was so happy,
I was so touched
when you invited me round
for dinner.
I thought you were being a
friend.
And God knows
I could do with one right now.
I've had such a shit time lately
with that bastard,
and I thought you were being kind
and supportive and a good
boss. I-I-I was.
I am. I am a good...
No! You weren't.
You just wanted to...hit on me,
like all the other creeps
when they can see that you're
not in a good place.
Oh, that's... That... That's,
er... And even apart from that...
..you're 50-odd. I'm 38.
Look at yourself.
Is that water?
Or vodka?
Don't be pathetic.
You're not going
to make a fool of y...
I mean, by all means
make a fool of yourself,
but don't humiliate Caroline.
SHE SCOFFS
Not in front of her students.
I'm doing Caroline a huge favour
just by turning up, so don't
tell me how to behave.
It's water, all right?
If I say it's water,
why don't we just accept that?
All right?
It's water.
We ought to get a little
present while we're here,
for that fella and his dog.
What fella?
The fella that found you
wandering about up Norland
and rang the police.
I wasn't wandering about!
I just wanted to see Ladstone
Rock. I told you.
It's a wonder you're not
riddled with pneumonia.
What a bloody lot of fuss
about nowt.
It's no wonder Alan's gone
and got himself
that little job, if you go on at
him the way you go on at me.
We used to walk up to
Ladstone Rock.
Me and Alice.
Did you? From Elland.
When we were courting.
On a Sunday.
She liked it up there.
We both did.
Alan told me you'd brought
her ashes back with you.
Yeah.
HE MUMBLES
Yeah.
We're going to have to talk
properly, Ted,
about where you're going to live.
If you are stopping.
I thought I was stopping with you.
Did Alan not tell you?
CHERYL: Hello-hello-hello!
We meet again. Hiya!
I thought that were you,
Mr Buttershaw!
LOUDLY: Have you recovered?
HE SIGHS
Mrs Buttershaw.
What are you doing here? Well,
we came to collect the car.
We're waiting for Alan.
Apparently, some little kid
has threatened to damage it if he
doesn't give him some money.
I said, "This is what happens
"when folk start working in
supermarkets."
Yeah, have you seen him?
Well, someone said they'd
seen him up here.
No, I don't think so.
Why isn't he in school?
Oh, er, he's a bit of
character...is Harrison.
I'll cop him. He won't damage
your car, he's all mouth.
Do you want a cup of tea, or...?
Not when I'm on duty.
Go on, then.
I was, er, saying to Ellie,
t'size of her,
she wants to get off home
on maternity leave.
Can you get us two teas,
Jamie? Yeah, sure.
Ah! Here he is.
Hey. Car keys!
There you go.
Oh, hello.
Mr Buttershaw.
Well, how was the bus?
Not unpleasant.
Except it went round about
the houses and kept stopping.
Well, they do.
Ted's been telling me that you've
said he can stop with us.
When have I said that? Eh?
I've said that is a conversation we
need to have.
Right.
Eh, what's all this
about this Banksy
that's appeared on Slack
Alice's barn?
Sorry?
Oh, it isn't a real one.
I mean, it's very good, but I think
he'd have claimed it by now
if it were a real one.
You don't know.
It's been five days.
It's very good. All this to draw
attention to herself,
hasn't she, eh? Your Gillian?
It could be worth a lot
of money.
You'd think she'd know better.
HELICOPTER OVERHEAD
Fuck off!
ALL: What?
You! Sorry, love.
Twats.
Take your time!
Morons.
Morning.
Afternoon.
Have you seen Angus?
He's gone.
They've gone.
Gone? Both of them?
Yeah, yeah, they left. Drove off.
Where? York, I think.
Alyssa said she wanted to
see something in York.
And I think Angus was
just off home
when he'd dropped her off
at the station.
Bitch! I know!
She never said anything! Squeamish!
Not wanting to listen
to other folk shagging...
..all night.
They were knocking on t'door
at three o'clock this morning.
They didn't need to,
cos I never lock up.
Yeah, keep walking!
Sorry, love!
Tossers.
KNOCKING
Can I make some tea for me
and Mia?
What's mine is yours, I've told
you. You help yourself.
I wish that helicopter'd fuck off.
Did you ring Sotheby's?
Yeah.
Yeah, I e-mailed 'em a picture.
And?
SHE SIGHS
They'll be in touch if it turns out
to be real.
"Don't hold your breath," I think,
was their parting sentiment.
RIPS ENVELOPE OPEN
SHE SIGHS
Everything all right?
Hmm. Bank kindly offering
to extend my loan,
so I can get the roof fixed,
and in return they'll cripple me
slowly with increased monthly
repayments.
And I've got a mural outside that
may, just may, be worth
a million quid, except it probably
isn't. Isn't life full of....
..shit little ironies?
Here's a career tip for you.
What?
Sheep farming.
Just...
..don't.
SHEEP BLEAT
Don't.
OK.
SHEEP BLEAT
You couldn't drive me...?
I was doing all right, you know.
For once in my life.
Then this.
Can I do anything? Like what?
To help. Like what, though?
You couldn't give us a lift over
to my mum's house, could you?
Just stick to those five main
characters, all right?
Ruth Ben Reuben,
Robin - of Loxley, obviously -
er, then there's Malbisse - he's
the baddie. You know that.
Ket the Trow -
he's one of the Little People.
And Will Scarlett.
Stick to those five,
you can't go wrong.
Ask her about language.
She loves language.
Metaphors, similes,
all that. Alliteration.
The odd bit of assonance.
She thinks she's a grown-up,
so she likes to talk about
the use of language.
Yeah. Er, kick off by commenting
on how poetic her prose is,
on how particular her
vocabulary is,
and you'll have her
eating out of your hand.
Seriously, she's such a tart.
Yeah.
QUIETLY: There you go.
Thank you.
I mean, she is good, she can use
language.
It's just not quite as, er, Hilary
Mantel as she thinks it is.
Oh, er, and tell her
she writes like Rose Tremain!
She'll love you for ever if you
say that.
Hi.
Oh, hi. Er...
Yeah, your dad's here - she must be
here. I'm going to have to go.
OK.
Thank you. Good luck!
Thank you. I love you.
Love you. Bye.
She's a bit pissed.
Oh, good.
Are you all right?
Er...yeah.
The, er... The member of staff
I asked to do the interview
has, er, thrown in the towel,
so... Oh, no!
Yeah, so now I'm doing it, and I
have read one of her books, once,
and I have seen one of the
films, once,
and I kind of know who
everyone is, so, er...
How's the wedding plans going?
Er...urgh.
How's your...?
My...?
Lawrence said you had a new... No.
..woman? No.
Oh. He said... No.
So you're not...? No.
Oh.
Are you all right? Yes! Look, it's
only Judith you're interviewing.
This isn't attractive.
Judith, these are
impressionable young people.
You are a role model.
They adore you.
They're not from privileged
homes.
You have a lot of power here.
You can do a lot of good.
What you cannot do,
however, Judith, is to...
Listen, Emily fucking
Dickinson...
Go into that auditorium
and fill that water in that jug
on that stage
with this water from
this bottle here,
and your career at MetaFable
will be bright, shiny,
and guaranteed.
You keep going on at me like this,
and you'll be lucky to find a
job shovelling shit
from Siberia to Outer Mongolia.
All right?
Judith!
Caroline! How are you?
Oh. Yeah, I'm, er...
Do you want to, er, go and sit in
the assembly hall?
I'll take it from here.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Helen!
Could you show John through to the
hall, please? The VIP seats.
Absolutely!
So excited.
WHISPERS: You sure?
Yeah.
So, how's it hanging?
Yeah, it's good.
Caroline?
No, I... I'm, er...
It's just, er...
Darling, what's happened?
Nothing. Er...
I've done so much for this school,
I've really turned it round,
and it was hard. I was bereaved.
And things like this are so
important for the students.
Getting someone like you here,
it means they matter.
And now I'm just going to let them
down. How? No, you're not.
The problem...
The immediate problem
is that the person who was supposed
to be interviewing you...isn't.
Why?
Because, oh...
Because she's accused me of
something...
..tawdry.
Which, you know me, I just wouldn't.
No! Would I?
Yeah, no. Course you wouldn't.
I would. You wouldn't.
And she really got the wrong
end of the stick. Well, not...
Not... But I didn't do anything,
for goodness' sake.
And then she said she's not
doing it, this, the interview,
so I'm doing it,
and I'm not prepared.
Not that I don't love your work
and your books, Judith, I...
I... I do. Er... No, I do.
You inspire children to read in
a way that's...
that's breathtaking.
I'd have reread them all
if I'd known that I was going
to, but... So it's shoddy.
And it's not fair on you,
it's not fair on the students,
it's not fair on me,
because I've not prepped,
and I've been made to feel
like some...some...
Well, I don't know what.
Some kind of a...
And I'm not, am I?
Or maybe I am?
Jesus!
No, Caroline.
Whatever's gone on, this person
needs their arse kicked.
You are the most decent
person I know.
Is that vodka?
No!
Could I have a swig?
Listen, babe, we can do this.
We can knock this little fella
outta the ball park.
Yeah, don't swear when you get out
there. Yeah. Don't swear.
Yeah. I won't swear.
Oh!
I thought they'd be here all day.
Who?
What d'you mean, who? Oh.
Oh, hell!
Now what?
I've got to pick our Flora and
Calamity up from school.
So don't get settled. Oh, I'll be
all right, I'll stop here.
You will not!
I can't have you wandering
off again.
Oh, er, here we go!
Bristol Live.
"On his Instagram account,
"the artist known as Banksy
"has finally denied..."
What? What?
What's he saying? Eh?
"Denied.
"Denied being behind
the striking giraffe image
"that appeared on a barn at Far
Slack Farm in Soyland, West
Yorkshire,
"over the weekend."
Oh! Well, that sucks!
What an A-hole! Is that definitely,
definitely, like,
how he tells people stuff?
Is that... Is that, like, for
definite?
Dunno, dunno. I dunno.
Yeah, looks like there's a
whole, like, gallery of stuff
he's denied being
responsible for.
That's a big load of
old pants, innit?
Yeah, he could've
pretended, hey? At least.
It's no skin off his nose.
SHEEP BLEAT
What's happened?
What's happening?
What's she doing, angel?
Dunno, babe.
GILLIAN GROANS
Gillian?
What's happening?
There were 30 ewes and
nearly 60 lambs in this field.
And now some
rubber-necking, trespassing...
..has gone and left the gate...
..wide open!
Gillian.
Yeah, right.
Obviously, that's exactly
what needs to happen next.
Aye-aye.
What do you want?
Come on, I'm busy,
I've got stuff to...
PHONE RINGS
In your own time.
Afternoon?
BOTH: Hello.
Fred.
Have a load of your sheep got out?
Yeah. Yeah, they have.
I've just found t'gate open,
just now.
Who is it?
Old lad lives down t'road.
Right, because they've been
at all them cannabis plants
that were fly-tipped down Hollin
Lane,
and they've been on t'main
road.
Oh, God. OK. Er, thanks, Fred.
Thanks for letting me know.
You want to get down there
and round 'em up, love,
before they cause an
accident. I will, I am doing.
Ta-ta. Ta-ta.
Yeah, so...
..we've got half a tonne of
mutton off their tits on cannabis
down in Millbank.
Have you ever seen a sheep
off its tits on cannabis?
No. No. No.
Lose all their inhibitions.
You see, normally, your average
Swaledale is fairly docile.
Meek. Self-effacing. Shy.
Not disposed to create anything
much in the way of drama.
They've terrorised the pre-school.
Six of 'em got on a bus,
held the driver up at gunpoint,
made him drive 'em into Halifax.
Six more went into the Old
Bridge Inn,
trashed the place with
baseball bats.
No, they didn't.
They've been mugging
pensioners. Fuck off, Cheryl.
Well, one of 'em got on a bus
and shat everywhere.
Several people's gardens have been
trashed, aggressively,
including the beer garden
down at the Old Bridge Inn.
One very unhappy 6'3",
18-stone landlord
who was formerly very proud
of his geraniums.
And, yeah, a couple of 'em
got into the pre-school
and upset the little 'uns. Really
upset them. We're talking tears.
Vomit and shit everywhere.
And...
..a pensioner's been knocked to the
ground outside the post office.
That's when I got called in.
So I suggest you get down
there with your trailer ASAP.
Then I suggest a few snivelling
apologies might not go amiss.
INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER
I'm going to have to sort this
out.
Yeah. No, it's fine.
We'll, er, we'll help.
I'll bring my camera.
This gate...
..was left open...
..by some...
..coming to goggle at the vandalism
someone's done to my barn,
which I haven't even bothered
reporting to you lot
cos I know how not interested
you'll be.
SHE SCOFFS
And, also,
why aren't you lot doing anything
about the outlaws
that...that fly-tip the contents
of their nasty little cannabis farms
everywhere?
Happens all the time round here!
It's a... It's a weekly occurrence!
And you never catch 'em, because
they always seem to know
when you're going to bust 'em,
cos they always get tipped off,
probably by one o' your dippy
lot, and then this happens!
SHE SIGHS
It's a good job it's me on duty
and not Sergeant Cawood,
cos she'd rip your spleen out
through your nose for you,
speaking to a police officer
like that.
Ooh, scary.
Shaking. Look.
Go and get your trailer, and I'll
meet you down in Millbank.
You murdering bitch.
SHE SNIFFS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
JOHN: Well done! Well done!
That was terrific!
CAROLINE SIGHS
Both of you, absolutely splendid.
Oh, shut up. Was it?
I've heard it all before, obviously,
but somehow, I don't know,
it all came up fresh.
Well done. Well done, Caroline.
You didn't mind me dropping that
into the conversation, did you?
Sorry.
About you being gay.
Oh!
It just came out.
I assume they all know anyway.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, they all... Yeah.
And they all cheered
and applauded when I said it.
Oh. God, they love you,
don't they, those kids?
God, they do! They really do,
Caroline.
Yes. Yes.
And I love them.
What super kids.
Oh, yes, they are. They...
They are.
Did you say that you wanted
me to do some photographs?
Oh, if you wouldn't mind.
Oh, I'd love to.
Oh, that would be so
generous of your time.
BELL DINGS
BELL DINGS
DOOR OPENS
Granny, wake up.
Grandad's here.
HE CHUCKLES
SHE GROANS
TED SNORES
We're going to have to get
some fish and chips for tea.
Can you pick some up on your way
back from Gillian's
when you take Calamity home?
I shall sleep well tonight!
Well, I hope I will.
It's been nonstop since you walked
out of that door this morning.
And I've had him
to trail round with me again.
All day.
Shh-shh! Oh, he's asleep.
And then I've been trying
to get hold of Martin,
but there's no reply.
We got back here at ten to
three, and they'd gone.
I assumed they were coming
back, but they haven't.
I'll have to have a sit-down
and a cup of tea
before I start taxiing people
about.
You used to be able
to rely on workmen.
He said ten days - max -
and we'd have a fully
functioning kitchen.
If he doesn't stick to that,
he's for the high-jump.
Where's t'kettle?
It's outside the bathroom.
Is it on?
Oh, you want me to put it on?
No, I'll do it.
Where are the mugs?
In the bedroom.
And the teabags are on the
windowsill in the living room.
And the milk's in the bathroom.
There's some teaspoons
chucking about somewhere.
Oh, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it.
No, you sit down.
You see,
I hadn't budgeted mentally
for me having to start picking
them two up on my own.
They're no trouble,
but they just never stop,
and it's easier to manage
them when there's two of you.
And Ted - bless him -
he's clueless with 'em.
And what was that in the cafe?
Him saying that you said he could
stay here indefinitely.
That, I'm telling you, is not a
conversation we've had.
He's come up with that himself.
He's in a world of his own.
You need to talk to him.
You need to find out what's
happening.
If I start digging for
information, he just grunts.
Who are you ringing? Gillian.
See if she can come over
and fetch Calamity.
Well, we'll still need to fetch
some fish and chips.
Caroline's here now, see?
CAR APPROACHES
Flora! Your mother's here.
GILLIAN: No, no. Right, listen...
PHONE BUZZES
No, no, no, the buck does
stop wi' you,
because if there's a right o'
way through your field,
you know you're more than likely to
get idiots leaving the gates open.
Oh, my God,
they're so fast, angel!
This is for your benefit,
not mine.
As a responsible landowner, you need
to be anticipating that.
You should be providing a stile,
which will allow them easy access,
and not let these evil little
bastards escape.
And look at Mrs Peacock.
She's traumatised!
She's distressed.
Oh, blimey.
HE CHUCKLES
Another few days,
and you won't recognise it!
It's gone to voicemail.
Are you all right, Alan?
Mm. He's exhausted.
..Flora!
TV ON
Are you all right? Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, I hope I'm fit to drive.
I was knocking back the
vodka this afternoon.
You were? At school?
It was only a nip.
Well, it was two nips.
The second was an accident,
but it's Judith.
You know what Judith's like.
Judith? Oh, she, erm...
Yes, she came to do this talk.
Well, it was a Q&A.
And somehow, God knows,
she managed to replace the
water in the jug
on the stage with vodka.
How?
So that took me by surprise about
halfway through the proceedings,
when my throat got a bit dry...
Anyway, it went very well,
vodka or no vodka.
Maybe because of the vodka.
Come on!
FLORA: Uncle Ted's snoring.
SHE CHUCKLES
You couldn't take Calamity back to
Gillian's for us, could you?
Yeah! It's the opposite
direction. ..Shh.
Well, not if you went over
the tops.
Yes, but I never go
over the tops,
because it's another 20 minutes.
It's all right. I'll take her.
I think, realistically,
we're going to have to rethink
this arrangement.
What arrangement? Us picking them up
after school.
BOTH: Why?
Because it's not us any more,
is it? It's me, on my own,
lugging him, Ted - bless him.
You know, since his escapade...
And then no kitchen to come home to
- not this week, nor next week.
Right. OK.
Well, that's going to be...
What?
Difficult. But, yes. Yes. OK.
I'll sort something else out,
then.
Come on, Calamity. Get your
stuff. I'll drive you home.
It's this damned job.
I've said everything I'm going
to say to him on the subject.
Come along, Flora.
Judith.
Judith. Judith!
We're back.
Oh.
I was thinking...
What? Well...
Do we NEED to get married?
I mean, I just think, you know,
aren't we all right as we are?
You mean, carry on? Yeah.
Like this? Yeah.
It works, doesn't it?
DOOR CLOSES
I realised something today.
Did you? Mm.
Something really quite...profound.
What?
I don't love you.
Never loved you.
We just...drifted into this
mess together
blindfolded, didn't we?
So yes, you're right -
we shouldn't get married.
In fact...
..you should leave.
Should I? What?
Well, I can't leave.
It's my house.
Was anyone hurt?
No. No, it was PC Nitwit
exaggerating.
ALAN CHUCKLES
I just had to spend
the afternoon apologising.
And people were kind, on the
whole, considering the damage.
Even the bloke at the pub...
..eventually.
I offered to do a couple of
hours in his garden for him.
And then I said I'd pop in on
Beryl, the pensioner,
and do a bit of shopping for
her, summat.
She wasn't hurt,
she was just shaken.
And the school, er, they...
..they want to bring a bunch
of kids up to look at the lambs
next season. So that's all
right, I can do that.
If I'm still here.
What do you mean?
Seven of 'em are still missing.
That's not including the two that
were knocked down and killed
on the main road, so that's...
..600 quid. It's gone.
And it isn't like I ever make
any money on the sheep.
Even at the best of times,
they only ever break even.
But that's...
SHE SIGHS
Oh, I thought it was such a good
move buying those ten acres,
but, of course, obviously not.
600 quid down and...
..I just can't face...
..the debt, the stress every day.
I could sell up, pay it all off.
Get a little place
down in Ripponden, little flat.
Couple of part-time jobs.
I'd be all right.
What about Raff and Ellie?
Hmm. They earn more than I do.
Not just between 'em.
Each.
You'd be miserable.
Not waking up to that view
every morning?
I think it only ever worked
before because you were here.
Before you married Celia.
Then Robbie came. And now...
..I feel like it's all
slipping through my fingers.
It's like every day
I'm fighting a losing battle.
And that...
VEHICLE APPROACHES
..barn...
VEHICLE STOPS
Oh, I wouldn't be sad
to get away from that.
ALAN STAMMERS
DOOR OPENS
Have you seen Instagram?
Yeah, yeah.
Right. Come on, you two. We can get
off now they're here.
There's no tea cooked -
I've been rounding up
escaped sheep all afternoon.
And I've said I'd drive these
two over to Caroline's.
How... How did they escape?
Folk coming to gawp at that
daub, leaving t'gate open.
Two of 'em are dead,
knocked down.
I've reported it now anyway,
officially, to the police,
as an act of vandalism.
RAFF: See ya. Bye.
MIA: Thanks for having us.
ELLIE: Pleasure.
Bye, Grandad. Thanks for
driving me home.
Bye-bye, love. Ta-ta.
See you.
DOOR CLOSES
I wish I could do something
for you. Yeah. Well...
How's your kitchen? Oh!
Are they an item?
Come on! I haven't got all week.
See you. Bye-bye, love. Don't work
too hard.
I enjoy it! They're nice folk.
It keeps me young.
Gets me out of the house.
CAR DOOR SHUTS
Right!
Let's try again, shall we?
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Celia? It's Nadine.
Oh, Nadine!
Hello, love! How are you?
Is it your dad you're after?
He's in the garden.
No, no, look. Listen, Celia.
No, I'm just, er, just phoning
to see if he's OK, that's all.
Yeah, he's fine.
Well, he's all right.
Well, he's a bit vague.
He wandered off the other
day, but we found him.
Well, a fella and his dog did.
Shall I fetch him?
No, no, no.
Celia, he won't want to talk to
me. Just, erm...
I just want to know, you know,
what the arrangement is.
Just so that I know he's all
right.
What arrangement?
There.
With him.
And you and Uncle Alan.
Well, there isn't one, as such.
I mean, he's said he wants to
stop.
And he can, but, er,
if it's going to be more
permanent,
well, you know, I mean,
I'm assuming he's not short of
money...
Nadine?
And he'll be able to buy
himself a little house.
You need to ask him about
Angelina.
Who?
He should tell you himself.
SHE SIGHS
You should hear his side of it.
Just ask him to tell you about
Angelina.
So, she's saying she's not
going to pick them up any more.
Either of them.
How's that going to work?
I've got a shift at Patterson's.
Me dad never said owt,
and I've just seen him!
Well, because he'll be in
denial, won't he?
Because he knows she'll be
saying it to guilt-trip him.
So, so... Sorry, is it OK
if Mia stays...
..here as well? As well as me?
Mm? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yay! I'll show you upstairs.
What happened to Alyssa?
Oh, erm, went to York with Angus.
FLORA: This way.
Yeah, we know where we're going!
I'm showing Mia! Mind the step.
My room's at the top of the
stairs.
Why's your dad got this job?
Oh, I think...
..to get out of the house.
To get away from my mother?
Are they an item?
She's about ten years older
than him.
Mmm. Three.
It's since Brexit, isn't it -
me dad and your mum?
They were never going to see
eye to eye about that,
and then it's just gone from
bad to worse,
as the months
have dragged on and on
into years.
The whole world's unravelling.
Mine is.
Is it? Is it? Mine is!
John and Judith are getting
married.
SHE CHUCKLES
Wow.
That's a special kind of crazy.
Why? It's her. It's her idea.
I think she's deluded.
I think she thinks
they're like that couple
out of Who's Afraid Of
Virginia Woolf.
You know, the ones who hate
each other and drink a lot.
The weird thing is, I think she
thinks it's romantic, or desirable,
or inevitable, or...
SHE SIGHS DEEPLY
OK.
I need a wife.
I need a husband.
It's odd.
When I saw John today,
it's the first time since we got
divorced that I realised
that...
..that just now and again
I almost miss him. Do you? Hmm.
Well, he was very sensible,
occasionally.
Occasionally, he'd put a
perspective on something
that made you realise
it was nowhere near as...
..worth committing suicide over
as you'd worked yourself up
into thinking it was.
So why's your world unravelling?
SHE SIGHS
Isn't it stupid how...
..one thing can undermine
your whole sense of...
..who you are, however smart you
think you are,
however resilient you
try and be?
Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, that's me.
I don't know how much longer
I can do this,
being a single parent.
Even with them picking her
up every day, it still feels like
it's just... It's juggling...
..too many things all the time.
And you cope, and you cope,
and then one thing...
How was your date?
It wasn't a date.
Ah. I see.
Is that...?
Move on. Rise above it.
You liked her. No, I didn't.
What happened?
You need a night out.
No. That's the last thing
I need. You do, you need...
No, I'm not going to Hebden
Women's Disco,
I've told you. Don't.
Why don't we just get pissed
together one night?
Because we'd wake up
the next day feeling worse.
I can't even afford to get pissed.
What am I talking about?
Oh, it's not a Banksy, then?
Mm.
I'm the same as you.
I was doing all right - coping,
managing,
even convincing myself
I was halfway to being happy.
And then just...
..one thing, one...
..dumb, random, idiotic thing.
And it's not even a Banksy!
I'm thinking I might sell up.
And do what?
Nothing. Just...
..call it a day,
find something else to do.
You can't do that.
No, I can.
CAR APPROACHES
CAR DOOR OPENS
He's here.
Do you want me to tell him?
Yeah.
We've had a phone call.
Oh? Nadine. Ringing to see what
the "arrangement" was.
I said, "What arrangement?"
And she said, "Tell him to tell you
about Angelina." He has no money.
He did sell the house for 1.5
million, but it's gone.
All of it. On a woman.
Eh? He met her on a dating site
for older folk.
Except that she was 54.
30 years younger than him!
It sounds like he went silly
over her.
She persuaded him to sell the
house
and buy somewhere smaller
to free up some money.
Only she liked spending -
holidays, cruises...
And then she asked him to invest in
her brother's business - boats.
And that was when the rot set
in, apparently.
Anyway, it's all gone.
Got about 20 grand left. 20?!
And Nadine's had her fair share.
Before they tell you any
different, the little bastards.
And then there's none of 'em
will have me!
So you've got nothing left -
at all -
except this 20 grand?
And where is she,
this...Angelina?
Well, it all ended rather
acrimoniously.
She moved on.
So...
..can I stop?
ROCK MUSIC BLARES UPSTAIRS
BED THUMPS
CAR APPROACHES
DOG BARKS
DOG WHIMPERS
Hello.
She's thrown me...
Well, she asked me to leave, so I
wasn't going to hang around.
I thought you were getting
married.
HE SCOFFS
And so why are you here?
Well, because she's thrown me...
Asked me to leave!
Well, so can I come in, then?
It's freezing!
But why are you here?
PHONE RINGS
Sorry?
They have hotels. Who do?
People.
People have hotels. For people.
Hello?
I'm coming in. Caroline?
Hello?
It's Judith.
Oh, hi.
..I am not your mother.
Sorry?
Yeah, listen.
I'm just ringing to say thanks
for today.
I really enjoyed it.
And I don't always,
doing things like that.
And I just wanted to say thank
you.
Oh, well, it was a pleasure.
..You can't just turn up here
thinking you've got a
God-given right to move in.
Yes, but...
No, I know that.
Yeah, and I just wanted to,
erm... Oh, why did I ever...?
Listen.
I realised something...
..really big today...
..when I saw you.
What?
Why did I ever look at anyone
else when I had you?
You wouldn't like to go...
..out for dinner with me,
would you?
She was a lovely person.
She fair cheered me up.
I'd got that used to being lonely,
I'd forgotten about being happy -
how it changes you,
lifts you up.
She liked doing stuff,
living life...
..having adventures.
It was my idea to put the house on
the market.
It made sense -
it was worth so much by then.
And the only cash I had
was my pension,
so it seemed daft sitting on it.
So...
..we were happy...
..for, what...
..about 18 months or so?
Until that business with her
brother cropped up.
KNOCK ON DOOR
I'll go.
Well, did you go to the police?
Yes.
Turns out, they think
it's not the first time
that they've taken someone
for a ride... Oh...
..these two. Do you mean, right from
the beginning, it was a scam?!
Hello, Rick. Mrs Buttershaw, erm,
I'm sorry about this,
but we think he's gone bust -
Martin.
He owes us six weeks' wages, me and
Adam, and he's disappeared.
We think he's gone bust.
Morning! Is this a bad time to
be calling?
Starting a relationship with an
alcoholic
is not at the top of my list
of things to do.
500 grand, all in.
All 35 acres, the house...
Is that what it's worth? I am
worried you're going to regret it.
I'd like to go to Bridlington.
I could drive you. I have a car.
We'd have to get the bus down to
Sowerby Bridge,
though, to pick it up. Ted?
HARRY: Ted's gone AWOL again.
He is not all there, is he?
Hey...
I don't remember any of this.
As well as that,
they think he's vulnerable.
We need to find him. Yes, I think
that's why we're all here.