Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Episode #5.4 - full transcript
He is losing it. He has no money.
Lives in a foster home.
Runs off, lives in sheds.
How did they escape? Folk coming to
gawp at the daub, leaving gate open.
Two of 'em are dead.
So, it's not a Banksy, then?
I'm thinking I might sell up.
You can't do that.
You had ulterior motives.
Well, she asked me to leave,
so I wasn't going to hang around.
You wouldn't like to go out
for dinner with me, would you?
We think he's gone bust. Martin.
He's disappeared.
VEHICLE HORN BEEPS
VEHICLE APPROACHES
How are you feeling?
Just the same.
Oh, Mum, I am sorry.
Mm. A week on,
and we're still no closer to knowing
if we're ever going to get
any of our money back
or a kitchen or anything.
Rick's here now.
Rick, is he the one that's, um...?
No, he's the one...
..Morning, love.
..he's the kind soul
that came and told us what
has happened
and then offered to come round
and reinstate the old kitchen
free of charge.
Which he's starting doing this
morning,
but we will give him something
for his trouble.
No, we will, love.
So, is... Is that it, then?
So, you're just going to
put the old kitchen back?
Well, no, I'm still hoping
it's a temporary measure.
But we just don't know.
Well, if there's anything I can do,
you know where I am.
What about your little problem?
Is it still with you?
Yep. I don't know why you don't just
tell him to beggar off.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Er, except it's actually quite handy
with him picking Flora and Calamity
up from school in the afternoons,
so, um... Oh, right.
Well, I'd better get on.
I've said I'll drive Alan
to the supermarket
and I've not put me face on.
OK. Chin up.
And you. Ta-ta.
Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
Do you think we should
become vegans, Mummy?
No.
I've just got to put a bit
of lipstick on.
..Well, if you've got time.
HE MOUTHS
Yeah, yeah, I can come and wield
a screwdriver for an hour later on.
If he tells me what to do.
Hey, our Gillian says she's going to
try and pop in and help you.
Great. Hey, how did you get on
yesterday with that fella?
Did he come? Yeah.
Yeah, he did. Thanks.
He reckons, er, 500 grand, all in.
All 35 acres, the house,
everything. Is that what it's worth?
Well, I'm getting
a couple of quotes, but...yeah.
Yeah, I assume
he knows what he's talking about.
Has she brushed her teeth?
Have you brushed your teeth?
I'll do it tonight.
I'm worried you're going to
regret it.
She hasn't brushed her teeth!
It's too late now!
Oh, yeah. So am I.
I'm worried I'll regret it, too,
but it's like my mum used to say,
"You can't have what you can't
afford," so...
Come on! You come on!
Outside, stop dawdling! Right.
Morning. Morning.
Listen, I'll... I'll have to go.
Um, can we talk again later,
properly?
Before you make any commitments.
Sure.
Right, ta-ta.
Bye.
See ya, Mum. Ta-ra, love.
What?
She's not brushed her teeth again!
You'll have to get dressed.
You're taking me to work.
Who is? You. You and Celia.
I'm not going to "wander off again",
as you like to call it.
Look, I wish you'd trust me...
just once!
And then you'd know. And you'd make
life a lot easier for yourselves.
Seat-belt on, kid.
She can double-brush tonight.
You know that Cheryl,
that copper that went out with
Robbie before he married your mum?
Yeah. You know I told you she were
in the store the other day,
being useless as usual?
Yeah.
Well, she said summat...weird.
About your mum.
What?
She said that she murdered
your dad.
Your mum did. Yeah.
But she didn't.
There was an inquest. It was an
accident. Did you say that?
Yeah, but she said coppers
know stuff.
You realise Cheryl's got
a massive grudge against me mum
because Robbie dumped her. Yeah,
but it's just the way she said it.
So matter-of-fact, like,
"We all know,
"everybody knows,
we just don't say it."
Robbie was me dad's brother,
and a copper.
D'you think he'd have married her
if he thought that?
Did you never think it were odd,
though?
The way Robbie disappeared off
to Canada like that,
without saying owt proper,
to you, about why?
Fancy saying that to you
of all people.
What a bitch!
Yeah, but why is your mum
so funny about that barn?
Seriously, do you want to make
something of this?
No! It... It...
Brr, it just made me feel weird!
It was all complicated
with me mum and Robbie,
cos he was me dad's brother.
And she's funny about that barn
cos it's where he died.
It's not rocket science.
It doesn't mean she murdered him.
It made me think we need to get out
of there and get our own house.
And sooner rather than later.
We'll have to anyway, if she's
selling up. She's not selling up!
That isn't going to happen. Ever.
Is that fella picking us up again?
Your Uncle John? Yeah.
He's not me real uncle.
Well, no... Well, sort of, he is.
He used to be married
to Auntie Caroline, so...
She's gay, though.
Yeah, she didn't used to be, though.
Can you do that?
Can you be not gay then start being?
Er, not, um...
No.
But you can be in denial about it.
In denial?
Yeah.
So...
In the olden days...
Cos I love Flora.
That's different.
She... She's your cousin.
But, so, in the olden days...
And I'm not in denial about it!
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but you don't want to kiss her
though, do you, though? No, so...
Yeah, but sometimes I do, though,
cos she's so adorable!
Right.
I've got to go now.
I've got stuff to do.
Me, too.
I've got to sort Brendan Clark out.
See ya!
Here you are.
Have a nice day! I will.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, nicely done, Caroline.
Hello, Judith.
Is this a bad time to be calling?
Well, I... I'm just...um, yes,
dropping Flora off at school.
I'll call later.
Well, Judith,
I'm at work all day, so, um...
I'll be quick, then.
Is John all right?
He's fine. He's, um...
He's annoying. But, yes, he's fine.
I worry about him. I shouldn't,
I know. Morning!
He's so pathetic, clinging on to
what's familiar rather than making
positive choices about life.
Judith.
But it made me realise
I was doing exactly the same thing!
Tell her to f... off!
Do you remember when I first met
you? Er, no. What?
It was at some do, some bash
at the university
that John dragged you along to.
I don't think you saw me.
Judith, I've got to go...
And the thing is,
the thing I've realised is,
I think I only ever went after him
because I was fascinated by you!
I think the whole thing
was just to get your attention.
Judith... Isn't that mad?
I don't want to be uncharitable...
Come on, we need to pin
this dinner date down.
I've put myself on the line.
I've been really frank
and open about some quite profound
and confused emotions.
And, you know,
that takes a lot of courage.
As I say, I don't want to be
uncharitable...
Tell her you're going out with me!
Um, it... It's just it's...
Well, it's a lot of things.
And, um...
I am going out with you.
I've got an idea about the farm.
Can you be more specific, Caroline?
Because I can change.
I'll ring you later.
I've got a mad morning,
but I'll call you when I can.
Judith, I don't mean to be unkind,
but you wrecked my marriage.
And, um...
Oh, bye!
That's Flora.
She's, um, just going to school
and she left the door wide open.
Yeah, I know all this, Caroline...
Also, plus...
HORN TOOTS
Oh, for f...!
HORNS TOOT
Ring me!
Yeah, I need to talk to you
about Mum and Alan, as well.
What about 'em?
No, I'll ring you.
See, as well as all that, Judith...
..I'm a single parent.
I have a five-year-old child.
And starting a relationship
with an alcoholic
is not at the top of my list
of things to do.
But the thing is,
seeing one unsuitable man
after the next is what's led me down
this vodka-soaked cul-de-sac.
And of course they were all
unsuitable because I've been in...
Well, not denial,
because I'm too "couldn't give
a fuck about anything"
to be in denial.
But I think this could be me
turning a massive corner, Caroline.
Caroline?
How do? How do?
Is Alan in? No. No, you've just
missed him. He's just gone to work.
Don't I know you?
I'm a friend of his.
Can I have a glass of water?
Well, if you can find a glass.
There's a pot of tea here.
Mug over there.
How do? Hiya.
So which one are you again?
Hm? I'm Ted.
I don't think he's mentioned you.
No, well, I'm in the doghouse,
so that's probably why.
Are you? Why? What you done?
Oh...
Are you the fella
that lives in the shed?
Me? No, I live up Norland.
I were just passing.
Oh. Well, there's toast there,
and a boiled egg, if you're hungry.
I'm full.
Well, I have eaten, but I don't like
to see owt go to waste.
So, you've a fella living in
your shed?
Well, I haven't seen him.
I could be wrong.
But, er, I've seen smoke coming out.
Well, I could have a look for you.
Could be insects.
Do insects smoke?
Not generally,
but a bird could have got in.
I'll sort it out for ya.
So, how do you know Alan?
Has he not told you?
I've not seen him since last week.
He's my brother. Younger brother.
I have a sister...in Sheffield.
I don't see her much.
No, well, I'd not seen him
for long enough,
me being in New Zealand.
I've seen him a few times
since he married Celia.
I came over for the wedding,
and then they flew out to see me
just after Gillian got married.
Gillian, yeah.
Do you know Gillian?
I've not met her, no.
I like Gillian.
Is she the one that drives the Jag?
Oh, no. Oh, hell, no.
That's Caroline.
Celia's lass.
So, why are you in the doghouse,
then, Ted? What's occurred?
Oh...
You don't have to tell me
if it's difficult.
I'm often in the doghouse meself.
Are you? One way and another.
TOAST SCRAPES
I made a mistake, that was all.
A big one, admittedly.
I might get a bit of stewing steak
for tea.
Ted likes a bit of stewing steak.
Oh, does he?
Don't be like that with him.
Well...
..he just breezes through it all,
never once thinks
about the consequences
and the effect he might have
on other people.
And then just this blind,
arrogant assumption
that everyone else can pick up
the pieces.
And, of course, we do.
You've changed your tune.
"He's the only brother
I'll ever have,
"I have to do what I can for him."
No, I haven't!
I shall do what I can for him.
Because he is the only brother
I'll ever have.
But I'm damned if I'll do it
with a smile on my face.
Angelina, for God's sake!
The name in itself
should have rung alarm bells
to anyone with any sense.
Well, happen it's a more regular
sort of name over there.
She might as well have had
"gold digger"
tattooed across her forehead.
Well, I feel sorry for him.
I think he was vulnerable,
and they targeted him.
And it'll be like us
with this kitchen business.
The police won't want to know.
They'll say it's a civil matter and
there's only so much they can do.
I didn't think she was out
to con me.
Initially.
When it all kicked off...
..it didn't occur to me.
I thought it was all her brother.
But now...
Yeah.
I think they were in it together
from the very beginning.
Yeah.
I keep thinking
I'd like to go to Bridlington.
What for?
It's where we had our honeymoon.
Alice and me.
Such as it was.
Where's that? Brid? East coast.
I should get a little car.
You can be there
in just over an hour on the M62.
You see, the M62 hadn't been built
when Alice and me went.
They hadn't opened it
till after we'd gone.
We could have a stroll on the beach.
Fish and chips,
happen a little paddle.
Fish and chips? Can I come?
Have you time?
I can make time.
I keep thinking I should
ask Alan or Celia to drive me,
but they're always busy.
I could drive you.
You could? How?
I have a car. We'd have to get bus
down to Sowerby Bridge, though,
to pick it up.
Aren't you a bit small to drive?
No. I'm older than I look. I'm 15.
You're not 15.
I am, I'm 15.
Aren't you supposed to be 17?
Normally, but I have
a special dispensation.
From the Pope?
No, it's nowt to do wi' the Pope.
I have this disease that makes you
look younger than you are.
I'm actually 35.
Well, I will be in July.
I used to be 35.
There's a bus in 12 minutes
if you get your skates on.
Morning. Morning.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Grandad?
Oh, hello, lad.
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I am.
Except, er...
I did this...stupid thing.
Who did? You did? Yeah.
Yeah. And I don't know...
...how to... I don't know what to
do to make it right.
Well, what have you done?
Right, you know the Banksy?
The not-Banksy. Yeah.
That's caused all the trouble
and why the sheep got out and why
Mum's reckoning she's selling up?
Yeah.
It was my friend Dinos.
He was on my course at Manchester.
He's an artist, a trainee art
teacher. It... It was a joke.
It started as a joke.
He can do, like, Banksy,
him and a couple of his mates.
And I was telling him
about the woodworm
and how me mum needed some money
and we were joking that if she had a
Banksy suddenly on her barn,
she'd be worth millions.
And then it was after me mum's
birthday
and that argument about money
with me mum and Celia.
I rang him that night,
and said, "Do it,"
thinking he might do it in a couple
weeks if ever but then
he done it next day,
and there was no-one
more amazed than me
and it was all in fun, but then
now it's all gone to shit.
Well, then...
It was never going to be a Banksy!
It was never going to fetch
millions! So, what was the point?!
I don't think we...
We didn't think it through.
We just...
I don't know. And I daren't tell her
cos it's really not funny now
and I didn't think about
how the barn...
..does her head in.
Cos of me dad.
The only thing I can think of
is if I offer her our savings.
No! Our deposit savings.
Me and Ellie's. No.
But you know what she's like,
she won't take it.
Oh... Ellie'll go mad
if I even suggest it.
But I don't want her to sell up
cos of me.
I'll just go and find it.
IGNITION SPARKS
ENGINE STARTS
POWER TOOL WHIRS
Oh! You've cracked on.
Yep. Has Ted been all right?
Yeah. He's been fine. Yeah.
Ted?
Ted?
Ted?
Is he in the garden?
Oh, I, er... I don't know.
I don't think so. Has he a mobile?
PHONE RINGS
Oh, bloody hell.
I think I'm not seeing it,
the day to day, what you're saying.
No, no, it's not...
It's not a fully formed...
It might be nonsense.
And I don't have an agenda here,
my only... Yes, I do have an agenda.
Sorry. My only agenda is Flora.
I can't do it on my own.
So?
Well, so, you want to farm
and can't afford to.
I earn silly money, or what a lot of
people
might consider to be silly
money,
but don't trust nannies and can't
manage the logistics of taking Flora
to school week in, week out,
so we could, could we not,
pool our resources somehow
and be mutually...
I don't know, er, beneficial?
Not... Not... Not in any kind of...
No. ..you know... No.
..way, obviously. But, um...
But live together? Mm.
You see, Raff and Ellie and Calamity
will be moving out soon,
and the baby, won't they?
When they've got their deposit.
Yep. Yep. They will.
And there'll be you in that place
on your own,
which will suddenly
seem very big.
And me and Flora on our own
in our big place.
Not that we're on our own at the
moment with John and Lawrence
and Mia, but, er, that's not...
No. But I couldn't come to you,
though, cos you've not got any
acres.
Ah, now,
there's a 9.5-acre field for sale
adjacent to me.
They're asking 120 grand.
I'd need 30, minimum,
to make it viable.
And you and Flora
couldn't come to me because...
..you just wouldn't like it,
Caroline.
You like everything clean and tidy
and my house is full of...
Well, the sort of stuff
low-life trailer-trash can afford,
or can't afford, in my case, so...
I never said that.
No, you did. No, I didn't.
It's been obliterated
from the face of the Earth,
that moment in time.
Hmm. OK.
And anyway, if I was putting money
in...
I... Oh...
Oh, I don't know.
SHE MOUTHS
It's a stupid idea, isn't it?
No. No, it isn't.
It's not stupid.
It's just...
..I might meet someone.
You might meet someone.
And then what? Well, I don't know.
It's a nice idea, it's just...
Oh, I don't know.
I know. I've got to go.
We'll talk later.
Yes, of course. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye-bye. Did you see it?
Consensus in the staffroom
is that it was her husband.
You know what a... Well, it sounds
glib saying "nutter", but...
Is he?
Well, controlling. Bullying.
Belittling her.
Knowing she'd have to drive to work
with that on her car.
Although reading between the lines,
the way she describes it,
you sometimes get the idea
they're both as bad as each other.
Get a message to her to come
and see me at break or lunchtime
or whenever's convenient. OK.
Right, we're heading for the A64
to York, once we get past Leeds.
OK.
Oh, you've missed it.
It was that last one!
Alan! Oh, hello.
You'll have to get your skates on.
Ted's gone AWOL again.
Eh? Celia phoned me.
She phoned you, but you're
not allowed your phone, are you?
No. So she phoned me. She thought
I might have taken him to the pub.
Yeah, obviously,
ten o'clock in the morning!
So, I've been up Ladstone Rock, I've
had a scout round, couldn't see him.
Celia wanted to stay at the house
so she's there
chance he wanders back in.
I'm on a shift! Well, I said that.
She said, "It's his flamin'
brother."
So, yeah, I don't know.
I can go looking somewhere else,
but you'll have to tell me where.
But he could be anywhere.
Well, he's an adult.
He can just wander off if he wants.
It was different before.
It was thundering, it was lightning
and he was jet-lagged. He could have
been out there all night!
Yeah, but... I don't know.
He's not all there, is he? Hey...
Come on, get your stuff.
I can't just walk out.
I need this job.
No, you can. You're 82,
you can do what the hell you like.
Where's our Ellie? I'll tell her.
I don't remember any of this.
Right! I'd better get
a parking ticket,
otherwise we'll be in trouble.
Yeah, we don't want
to get into trouble, Ted.
Well, I rang 101 rather than 999
because I didn't know
if it was an emergency or not,
but they seem to think it is,
because he does have dementia,
there's no two ways about it.
And as well as that,
they think he's vulnerable
because we have reason to think he's
depressed. Is he?
Oh! Where to start?
He's lost a lot of money.
Well, everything. He lost
everything.
And he's fallen out with all his
kids. It's why he's here.
So, why does that make him
vulnerable?
Falling out with your kids?
I think the idea is...
Well, depression can make you...
..suicidal.
Oh, shit. We need to find him!
Yes, I think that's why
we're all here.
CAR PULLS UP
Oh, Harry's back.
Oh, and Gillian.
Oh, is Gillian here?
Hey, what's happened?
Have you found him?
Not yet. Did you know you've got
someone living in your shed?
I...
I'm amazed it's still here.
It's just same as it was.
We were only here for the two
nights, then off we went.
New Zealand.
1956.
I've never been abroad.
It's nowt. I'd like to fly.
Well, it's all right, but you've
to trail round the airport,
and then you've got to queue up
for one thing after another.
No, I meant fly-fly.
Like proper, like a bird.
Riding an air current.
If I could choose,
that's what I'd be, I'd be a bird.
What would you be?
Oh, I'm all right as I am.
Are you?
Well, I was, till this business.
No, no, I can see the temptation.
Being a bird.
You could disappear over
the horizon.
Are we going paddling this aft?
Well, we should do,
while we're here.
Are we having a pudding?
We can do.
What it is, is I'd like to apologise
to her - Alice -
for this business.
She put a lot into that house.
She loved that house.
And she'd want me to be happy,
but she wouldn't want this.
But you can't apologise
to someone who's dead, can you?
No. I don't know.
You might be able to.
How?
I don't know.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ruth's here, Caroline.
Thanks. Leave the door open.
I saw your car.
Oh. Yeah.
People are talking about it.
Well, yeah. They will.
It says "mad bitch" on it.
I don't think I realised how...
..bad it was for you at home
if he'll do a thing like that.
I'm sorry. I did tell you.
I'm apologising
for not understanding it better,
for not listening properly.
I have a friend.
Well, she's my step-sister, in fact.
Gillian.
She was in an abusive relationship.
Psychologically abusive,
violently abusive.
If you'd like someone to talk to,
who'll understand and listen,
she would.
I haven't asked her,
but she will, I know she will.
I can give you her number.
In the meantime,
you may already have arranged
something, but if not,
Rhiannon Griffiths' father has
a body workshop down in Mirfield,
and he owes me a favour.
He owes me several favours,
actually, over the years,
with her behaviour.
I've rung him and he says
he can pick it up this afternoon,
and bring it back on Friday.
Helen's offered to take you home
and bring you back
in the mornings till then.
She lives out your way.
But it's up to you.
All at the risk of looking like
I care more than I should,
but then again, it's my job
to care about my students and staff,
so I'm between a rock
and a hard place.
I don't want you to thank me,
it's not why I'm doing it.
Helen's there.
Thanks. Sorry.
Thanks.
THEY LAUGH
Ted! Look I'm a crab!
Are you? That's it.
Come on! Come on in! Alice?
What are you frightened of?
I love you.
WHISPERS: I love you.
Can we go to Sheffield?
When?
Now.
See me sister.
What's she doing in Sheffield?
It's where she lives. Well,
how come you live up Norland?
Dunno. It's just where they put us.
Who?
Council.
When me mother died.
Well, what about your dad?
I don't think I ever had one.
She tells me stories about him,
our Stella does.
But I think she makes 'em up.
I go along with 'em, though,
cos I think it suits her.
Which one's Stella?
Me sister.
We see each other now and again,
whenever her people can be bothered
to drive her over to me,
or whenever my people can be
bothered to drive me over to hers.
Like at Christmas.
So, you've got people?
Neil and Heather.
They're like...foster parents.
Have you got an address for her,
in Sheffield?
We'd have to ask around
when we got there.
Sheffield's a big place.
Better get cracking, then.
I think I'll stay here.
Oh, come on, I need you to read map.
No, I'm all right here.
That isn't fair.
We'll go to Sheffield another time.
I want to go now.
Come on, I came here wi' you!
You go, I'm not stopping you.
That isn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
I hate you.
No, you don't.
Can't you pick me up on the way
back?
Pig!
IGNITION SPARKS
ENGINE STARTS
ALICE: Come on. Come on in.
What are you frightened of?
Any sign yet?
No, no, sign at all.
We've been up and down
Elizabeth Street and Langdale Street
and all round there.
Cos that's where we grew up,
all of us,
when we were kids. Aww.
And we've been in a few shops
and asked, but, no, nothing.
Could I just ask if you've seen this
old fella around?
We're going to walk over
to the railway station next.
Well, keep us informed.
We will.
Ta-ta.
SHE SIGHS
He's not all bad, is he, John?
Shall we look in church?
It's where him and Alice got wed.
It's where me and Eileen got wed.
Where me mum and dad got wed.
And mine.
Blimey, that's going back a bit.
PHONE RINGS
That's you.
Oh. Hello?
Hiya, Dad.
So, Cheryl's rung to say -
and she managed to speak to me
without saying anything offensive -
she's rung round all the hospitals,
she's put in a request to send
a helicopter to go over Norland Moor
and she's putting a missing persons
link on social media.
So not as completely useless and
dippy and mad and bonkers
and irritating
and disgusting as she looks.
Right.
And me and Rick have cracked on,
and, er...
..we're still here
if Ted walks through the door.
Oh, OK.
Well, thanks, love. Keep in touch.
Will do.
HE SIGHS
Are you all right?
It was a friend of Raff's...
..that did that Banksy.
He rang and told me this morning.
An art student.
Raff put him up to it, and, of
course, now he's feeling guilty.
He daren't tell his mum.
I'm not sure I dare either.
What the hell did he do that for?
He was trying to make
some money for her.
Well, how does that work
if it's not a real Banksy?
They didn't think things through.
Well, that backfired.
Yep.
Perhaps he shouldn't tell her.
It's not as if it's going to do any
good, is it?
ALAN SIGHS
And if he's got it off his chest
by telling you,
maybe that's as far
as it needs to go.
It's not like him, is it?
He's generally such a sensible lad.
Well, as I say, it was that
evening...
..when emotions got rather heated,
so...
It's kind of Gillian
to help put the old kitchen back in.
You know, given what was said.
What I said.
It's all a bit of a mess, isn't it?
You've lost your kitchen,
she's selling the farm,
Ted's... Oh, God knows.
God knows how Ted's
ended up in that pickle.
It's OUR kitchen.
We've lost our kitchen.
It's not MY kitchen.
And we don't know that yet.
I mean, if those cabinets
have been built,
and they're in a workshop
somewhere...
If he's not paying people, they're
not going to just hand things over.
We'd have it all to pay for
all over again.
Mm, I know.
I know. I'm just clutching at
straws.
If he's gone bust, that'll be it.
There'll be no way
of getting any money back.
We have to face facts.
And you'll want it all done,
won't you, hm?
You'll want it all spick and span.
You'll not be happy living with it
back like it was for long.
Well, it's very old-fashioned.
HE SCOFFS
And that cutlery drawer's
never shut properly.
And the cupboard doors at the end
have always been skewwhiff.
Then you go round to Caroline's
and everything's perfect.
Well...!
Well, Caroline earns a lot of money!
I...didn't dislike the old kitchen,
if I'm being really honest.
Well, you never said.
No, well, I know you like
spending money on stuff, so...
I like nice things.
HE CHUCKLES
I do love you.
Well, I'm encouraged to hear that.
Cos I have wondered lately.
We do...
..see the world differently,
I've increasingly realised.
I don't think we do.
We always have a laugh.
Less so since Brexit.
Oh, bugger Brexit.
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to
say.
And if only we could.
Well, it'd be boring
if we all thought just the same
about everything.
Yeah, normally I'd agree with you.
You see, I'm worried...
..you've got this job because you
don't like being at home with me.
And I'm worried
that you need to spend £20,000
on a new kitchen because you're not
getting enough excitement elsewhere.
No, that doesn't compute.
If you were happy with life,
you wouldn't give a stuff about
something like a new kitchen.
No, that's twaddle.
You can be in a perfectly
lovely relationship
and still not want a kitchen that's
got bacteria growing in the corners.
That's an exaggeration.
No, it's clinically proven -
men don't always see muck.
Just like they don't always see
a job that needs doing.
The way they can pass
a pile of clothes
without thinking of ironing it
or carrying it upstairs afterwards.
You see, to me...
..a kitchen that's been
put back in for you
by a young lad with a kind heart,
who didn't need to come
knocking on our door
and tell us what'd happened,
is a thing to be prized much more
highly than a thing put in -
or not put in, in our case -
by a fly-by-night that'll just take
your money and run.
Oh, bless. Aren't you simple?
Well, it's refreshing.
"Simple"?
It's folk that'll spend silly money
on all sorts -
thinking somehow that'll
make them happier that are...
Well, I hesitate to throw the word
"simple" back at you
because I think
that's a good quality to have.
"Deluded", I think, is the word.
I'm not deluded.
Nice things do make me happy.
Nice things, like a good kitchen,
make life easier.
It doesn't mean I'm not getting
enough excitement elsewhere.
SHE CHUCKLES
If I was a shameless thrill-seeker,
I hope I'd be more imaginative than
just having a new kitchen fitted.
When we went to New Zealand
after Gillian got wed,
we said experiences were
more important than things.
Can't we have a bit of both?
Well...
We need a holiday?
Is that it, do you think?
Well, can we afford a holiday?
Well...
We've got the remaining 5,000
that we should have paid to him.
Bloody Martin.
We could do something with that.
Where do you fancy?
Have a holiday
and live with the old kitchen -
is that what you're suggesting?
Well, 5,000's not going to go so far
with a new kitchen.
Not the sort we were having.
What I'd rather do
is, er, give it to our Gillian.
So she can get her timbers fixed
and change her mind
about selling the farm.
She might not take it, of course.
But...
..could you, would you,
think about it?
Or is that a non-starter?
I suppose I've had my comeuppance
over this damn kitchen, haven't I?
No, nobody's going to see it
like that.
She will. She won't.
She might.
All the same...
What if Caroline finds out?
She's going to think,
"How come they're giving money to
her and not to me?"
Will she heck?!
Caroline offered to give Gillian the
money and Gillian wouldn't take it.
Caroline did? Yeah.
Gillian told me.
Caroline did?
Well, you know what they're like,
them two, these days,
they're as thick as thieves.
Oh, she's money to burn,
hasn't she, Caroline?
What, and Gillian wouldn't take it?
Why not?
Well, happen she wouldn't take it
off us.
Well, there's only one way to find
out.
If you're willing.
Oh, go on, then.
But if I say yes...
..will you pack this bloody silly
job in?
What? I like my job!
How can you like wearing that
uniform?
What's up with my uniform?
I'm dapper.
CHUCKLES
Do you think?
Mm.
And who's this little lad, then,
that's been sleeping in our shed?
Oh, him...
SIREN WAILS
Ted! Ted!
Ted! Ted! Ted...
Ted?
DOG BARKS
Ted.
Ted?
Wow, poor bitch.
Yeah, give her my phone number,
or my e-mail,
whichever's easiest for her.
CAROLINE OVER PHONE:
That's very kind of you.
So, hang on, is she...?
Is she...the one that you...
..didn't have a thing about?
No, did. But, um...
No, but then you were in denial,
so...
Oh, yeah, that's right!
Yeah, didn't.
Er, it's her, yeah.
Wow.
OK.
So...?
So, I won't advise...
..murder.
Yeah, that would be good not to.
Um...
Yeah. OK.
What was the other thing?
The other thing you said you wanted
to talk to me about this morning,
about your mum and me dad?
Oh, it's just, um...
You know it's their wedding
anniversary
in about two or three weeks' time?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just...
I worry that they're not as, well...
I dunno. ..as they used to be.
In love?
No. I think...I think they are.
I think they are still in love.
Well, not just as...
...starry-eyed as they were,
that's all. And, um...
Brexit.
Yeah. And, er...
Well, this isn't great timing with
you thinking about selling the farm,
but I can pay for it anyway, so...
..I just wondered if we should pay
for a nice weekend away
for them somewhere.
Like, from both of us.
Or just a nice meal somewhere.
Aww! Aren't you romantical?
Is that a word?
No, I just made it up.
It's good, though, isn't it?
Yeah, we can do that.
Only if you come to Hebden Women's
Disco with me, though.
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
We need to get you down
with the lezzers.
SHE MOUTHS
You need to get out more.
No, I need to stay in more.
Oh, ey-up. Cheryl's back.
I'd better go.
Ring me when you've any news.
Is your dad in?
Do you know something?
Yeah.
Happen he...he'd gone to...
..scatter Alice's ashes.
I don't think so.
They're on the floor in the
bathroom. I don't know why.
Happen he was taking 'em
and then forgot.
Mm.
He was forgetting.
Do you want some tea?
Er, yeah. Aye. Tea.
I'll make it.
Do you want some tea, Cheryl?
No.
We'll get off.
I am... I am sorry, Mr Buttershaw.
No, you've, um...
It can't be easy,
delivering bad news.
You've been very kind.
I'll ring John and Harry.
They're still out looking.
Have been all afternoon.
Yeah, how did he get there?
Oh! Yeah.
He had Harrison with him.
Harrison?!
Must have gone with him.
On a train. Summat.
I wonder why Bridlington?
Mia's gone.
What?
All her stuff's gone.
Have you argued?
No! Phone her.
I have.
She's not answering.
You'd think
she'd have left a note, at least.
Aww. Come here.
Get off.
Sorry.
Poof. Sorry.
God, what a bitch!
Yeah, bitch.
I've made you some tea.
So...are you and Mum
getting back together?
No. No.
I mean, I'd like to, yes.
But no.
I don't know.
Possibly.
Probably not.
Who knows?
No.
Maybe.
Yeah.
No.
Who knows?
Wow.
Yeah.
Ta-ta.
Fuck off.
You fuck off.
HE MUTTERS
Fucking mad bitch.
BOTTLE CAP POPS
BEER GLUGS
Hi!
Hiya!
ORGAN INTRO:
I Vow To Thee, My Country
# I vow to thee, my country
# All earthly things above
# Entire and whole and perfect
# The service of my love
# The love that asks no question
# The love that stands the test
# That lays upon the altar
# The dearest and the best
# The love that never falters
# The love that pays the price
# The love that makes undaunted
# The final sacrifice. #
So, tell me about the little
fella in the shed.
Oh, yeah. Harrison.
Well, it turns out
that he's got a sister in Sheffield,
they got split up
when their mother died.
This is years ago.
Anyway, she'll, er...
She'll be 18 in a few months
and it seems they think that
if she puts in for a little flat,
he'll be able to go
and live with her,
which, it seems, is what he wants.
I did um and ah about accepting it.
But then I thought,
"Fuck it. I'm not cutting my nose
off to spite my face."
Good, I'm pleased.
I'm pleased you're not selling up.
Really upset me.
Aww!
And she apologised, your mum,
about, you know, that argument
on our birthdays.
Oh, good. Mm.
How's things with John?
Impossible.
Ridiculous.
I think he thinks he's moved in.
I keep saying to him, "You do know
you're not living here, don't you?
"You do know you've not moved in?"
And he just...
..smiles at me
and looks a bit gormless.
He's still in love with you.
Oh, don't say that.
You need to give him a clear signal.
Yes, I know! But what? What could be
clearer than saying that?
Well...
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
What about Harry?
We're not calling him Harry!
After his grandad,
his other grandad.
Yeah. Be all right if my grandad
wasn't a prize plonker, but he is.
I'm going to sneeze now. Achoo!
Stop it!
What would you call him, William?
Well, what about Alan? After Alan.
No! Alan? It's really...
I mean, I love me grandad,
but it's a bit...
It's really a little bit boring.
Can you baby-sit Flora on Saturday
night if Caz brings her over?
Yeah! Yeah, course.
We're going down
Hebden Women's Disco.
Oh, cool.
Ooh, Hebden Women's Disco.
And the super thing is
that our cutlery drawer
never used to pull out properly,
and he fixed it,
and the cupboards used to be
skewwhiff, and he sorted that out.
And then he gave everything
a really good clean
in all the nooks and crannies
before he put it back in.
Where are you and Alan going
for your anniversary?
Oh, that's just a nice little hotel
that Gillian and Caroline
booked for us in Skipton.
Aww.
Yeah, I know.
They are grand, both of 'em.
Well, they are
when they're behaving themselves.
MUSIC: Bulletproof
by La Roux
CHATTER
I was thinking... Oh, yeah?
Judith, you want to get in there.
Do you think?
Isn't she, like, a multimillionaire?
You could retire!
Yeah, she is!
You knock yourself out!
Oh, my God. I once bought
some sheep dip off her.
No, don't look! Don't look!
CLEARS THROAT
Bloody hell, that's Raff's
infant school teacher! Mrs...
Oh, er... ...Thing.
And she works in the chip shop
in Ripponden!
Jesus, they're everywhere.
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
Thank you.
Happy wedding anniversary.
Happy wedding anniversary.
GLASSES CLINK
Is it our seventh?
Er, yeah. Yeah, it is.
Mm.
I think so.
Is it?
Yep.
2013. Seven years.
Oh, so that's what it was!
What?
All this business.
You at the supermarket,
me needing a new kitchen.
The seven-year itch.
Ah! There you go.
It all falls into place.
Yeah, we've solved it.
Yeah, I'm glad we sorted that out.
Yeah, I'm glad we've got through it.
So am I.
Unscathed.
Well, more or less.
Well, it could've been worse.
How?
You could have run off with milkman.
I could have run off with the
milkman!
SHE LAUGHS
I don't think so.
Have you seen him?
HE LAUGHS
Oh, poor Ted.
Ted.
Ted.
Oh, we've gone all sad.
Well, how about this -
here's to the next seven years.
I'll drink to that.
Well, let's be honest,
I'll drink to anything.
And to the next
seven years after that.
PIANO PLAYS: Time After Time
Oh, listen.
Time After Time.
# I tell myself that I'm
# So lucky
# To be loving you. #
Shall we?
People'll think we're daft.
Do we care?
SHE CHUCKLES
Lives in a foster home.
Runs off, lives in sheds.
How did they escape? Folk coming to
gawp at the daub, leaving gate open.
Two of 'em are dead.
So, it's not a Banksy, then?
I'm thinking I might sell up.
You can't do that.
You had ulterior motives.
Well, she asked me to leave,
so I wasn't going to hang around.
You wouldn't like to go out
for dinner with me, would you?
We think he's gone bust. Martin.
He's disappeared.
VEHICLE HORN BEEPS
VEHICLE APPROACHES
How are you feeling?
Just the same.
Oh, Mum, I am sorry.
Mm. A week on,
and we're still no closer to knowing
if we're ever going to get
any of our money back
or a kitchen or anything.
Rick's here now.
Rick, is he the one that's, um...?
No, he's the one...
..Morning, love.
..he's the kind soul
that came and told us what
has happened
and then offered to come round
and reinstate the old kitchen
free of charge.
Which he's starting doing this
morning,
but we will give him something
for his trouble.
No, we will, love.
So, is... Is that it, then?
So, you're just going to
put the old kitchen back?
Well, no, I'm still hoping
it's a temporary measure.
But we just don't know.
Well, if there's anything I can do,
you know where I am.
What about your little problem?
Is it still with you?
Yep. I don't know why you don't just
tell him to beggar off.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Er, except it's actually quite handy
with him picking Flora and Calamity
up from school in the afternoons,
so, um... Oh, right.
Well, I'd better get on.
I've said I'll drive Alan
to the supermarket
and I've not put me face on.
OK. Chin up.
And you. Ta-ta.
Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
Do you think we should
become vegans, Mummy?
No.
I've just got to put a bit
of lipstick on.
..Well, if you've got time.
HE MOUTHS
Yeah, yeah, I can come and wield
a screwdriver for an hour later on.
If he tells me what to do.
Hey, our Gillian says she's going to
try and pop in and help you.
Great. Hey, how did you get on
yesterday with that fella?
Did he come? Yeah.
Yeah, he did. Thanks.
He reckons, er, 500 grand, all in.
All 35 acres, the house,
everything. Is that what it's worth?
Well, I'm getting
a couple of quotes, but...yeah.
Yeah, I assume
he knows what he's talking about.
Has she brushed her teeth?
Have you brushed your teeth?
I'll do it tonight.
I'm worried you're going to
regret it.
She hasn't brushed her teeth!
It's too late now!
Oh, yeah. So am I.
I'm worried I'll regret it, too,
but it's like my mum used to say,
"You can't have what you can't
afford," so...
Come on! You come on!
Outside, stop dawdling! Right.
Morning. Morning.
Listen, I'll... I'll have to go.
Um, can we talk again later,
properly?
Before you make any commitments.
Sure.
Right, ta-ta.
Bye.
See ya, Mum. Ta-ra, love.
What?
She's not brushed her teeth again!
You'll have to get dressed.
You're taking me to work.
Who is? You. You and Celia.
I'm not going to "wander off again",
as you like to call it.
Look, I wish you'd trust me...
just once!
And then you'd know. And you'd make
life a lot easier for yourselves.
Seat-belt on, kid.
She can double-brush tonight.
You know that Cheryl,
that copper that went out with
Robbie before he married your mum?
Yeah. You know I told you she were
in the store the other day,
being useless as usual?
Yeah.
Well, she said summat...weird.
About your mum.
What?
She said that she murdered
your dad.
Your mum did. Yeah.
But she didn't.
There was an inquest. It was an
accident. Did you say that?
Yeah, but she said coppers
know stuff.
You realise Cheryl's got
a massive grudge against me mum
because Robbie dumped her. Yeah,
but it's just the way she said it.
So matter-of-fact, like,
"We all know,
"everybody knows,
we just don't say it."
Robbie was me dad's brother,
and a copper.
D'you think he'd have married her
if he thought that?
Did you never think it were odd,
though?
The way Robbie disappeared off
to Canada like that,
without saying owt proper,
to you, about why?
Fancy saying that to you
of all people.
What a bitch!
Yeah, but why is your mum
so funny about that barn?
Seriously, do you want to make
something of this?
No! It... It...
Brr, it just made me feel weird!
It was all complicated
with me mum and Robbie,
cos he was me dad's brother.
And she's funny about that barn
cos it's where he died.
It's not rocket science.
It doesn't mean she murdered him.
It made me think we need to get out
of there and get our own house.
And sooner rather than later.
We'll have to anyway, if she's
selling up. She's not selling up!
That isn't going to happen. Ever.
Is that fella picking us up again?
Your Uncle John? Yeah.
He's not me real uncle.
Well, no... Well, sort of, he is.
He used to be married
to Auntie Caroline, so...
She's gay, though.
Yeah, she didn't used to be, though.
Can you do that?
Can you be not gay then start being?
Er, not, um...
No.
But you can be in denial about it.
In denial?
Yeah.
So...
In the olden days...
Cos I love Flora.
That's different.
She... She's your cousin.
But, so, in the olden days...
And I'm not in denial about it!
Whatever that means.
Yeah, but you don't want to kiss her
though, do you, though? No, so...
Yeah, but sometimes I do, though,
cos she's so adorable!
Right.
I've got to go now.
I've got stuff to do.
Me, too.
I've got to sort Brendan Clark out.
See ya!
Here you are.
Have a nice day! I will.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, nicely done, Caroline.
Hello, Judith.
Is this a bad time to be calling?
Well, I... I'm just...um, yes,
dropping Flora off at school.
I'll call later.
Well, Judith,
I'm at work all day, so, um...
I'll be quick, then.
Is John all right?
He's fine. He's, um...
He's annoying. But, yes, he's fine.
I worry about him. I shouldn't,
I know. Morning!
He's so pathetic, clinging on to
what's familiar rather than making
positive choices about life.
Judith.
But it made me realise
I was doing exactly the same thing!
Tell her to f... off!
Do you remember when I first met
you? Er, no. What?
It was at some do, some bash
at the university
that John dragged you along to.
I don't think you saw me.
Judith, I've got to go...
And the thing is,
the thing I've realised is,
I think I only ever went after him
because I was fascinated by you!
I think the whole thing
was just to get your attention.
Judith... Isn't that mad?
I don't want to be uncharitable...
Come on, we need to pin
this dinner date down.
I've put myself on the line.
I've been really frank
and open about some quite profound
and confused emotions.
And, you know,
that takes a lot of courage.
As I say, I don't want to be
uncharitable...
Tell her you're going out with me!
Um, it... It's just it's...
Well, it's a lot of things.
And, um...
I am going out with you.
I've got an idea about the farm.
Can you be more specific, Caroline?
Because I can change.
I'll ring you later.
I've got a mad morning,
but I'll call you when I can.
Judith, I don't mean to be unkind,
but you wrecked my marriage.
And, um...
Oh, bye!
That's Flora.
She's, um, just going to school
and she left the door wide open.
Yeah, I know all this, Caroline...
Also, plus...
HORN TOOTS
Oh, for f...!
HORNS TOOT
Ring me!
Yeah, I need to talk to you
about Mum and Alan, as well.
What about 'em?
No, I'll ring you.
See, as well as all that, Judith...
..I'm a single parent.
I have a five-year-old child.
And starting a relationship
with an alcoholic
is not at the top of my list
of things to do.
But the thing is,
seeing one unsuitable man
after the next is what's led me down
this vodka-soaked cul-de-sac.
And of course they were all
unsuitable because I've been in...
Well, not denial,
because I'm too "couldn't give
a fuck about anything"
to be in denial.
But I think this could be me
turning a massive corner, Caroline.
Caroline?
How do? How do?
Is Alan in? No. No, you've just
missed him. He's just gone to work.
Don't I know you?
I'm a friend of his.
Can I have a glass of water?
Well, if you can find a glass.
There's a pot of tea here.
Mug over there.
How do? Hiya.
So which one are you again?
Hm? I'm Ted.
I don't think he's mentioned you.
No, well, I'm in the doghouse,
so that's probably why.
Are you? Why? What you done?
Oh...
Are you the fella
that lives in the shed?
Me? No, I live up Norland.
I were just passing.
Oh. Well, there's toast there,
and a boiled egg, if you're hungry.
I'm full.
Well, I have eaten, but I don't like
to see owt go to waste.
So, you've a fella living in
your shed?
Well, I haven't seen him.
I could be wrong.
But, er, I've seen smoke coming out.
Well, I could have a look for you.
Could be insects.
Do insects smoke?
Not generally,
but a bird could have got in.
I'll sort it out for ya.
So, how do you know Alan?
Has he not told you?
I've not seen him since last week.
He's my brother. Younger brother.
I have a sister...in Sheffield.
I don't see her much.
No, well, I'd not seen him
for long enough,
me being in New Zealand.
I've seen him a few times
since he married Celia.
I came over for the wedding,
and then they flew out to see me
just after Gillian got married.
Gillian, yeah.
Do you know Gillian?
I've not met her, no.
I like Gillian.
Is she the one that drives the Jag?
Oh, no. Oh, hell, no.
That's Caroline.
Celia's lass.
So, why are you in the doghouse,
then, Ted? What's occurred?
Oh...
You don't have to tell me
if it's difficult.
I'm often in the doghouse meself.
Are you? One way and another.
TOAST SCRAPES
I made a mistake, that was all.
A big one, admittedly.
I might get a bit of stewing steak
for tea.
Ted likes a bit of stewing steak.
Oh, does he?
Don't be like that with him.
Well...
..he just breezes through it all,
never once thinks
about the consequences
and the effect he might have
on other people.
And then just this blind,
arrogant assumption
that everyone else can pick up
the pieces.
And, of course, we do.
You've changed your tune.
"He's the only brother
I'll ever have,
"I have to do what I can for him."
No, I haven't!
I shall do what I can for him.
Because he is the only brother
I'll ever have.
But I'm damned if I'll do it
with a smile on my face.
Angelina, for God's sake!
The name in itself
should have rung alarm bells
to anyone with any sense.
Well, happen it's a more regular
sort of name over there.
She might as well have had
"gold digger"
tattooed across her forehead.
Well, I feel sorry for him.
I think he was vulnerable,
and they targeted him.
And it'll be like us
with this kitchen business.
The police won't want to know.
They'll say it's a civil matter and
there's only so much they can do.
I didn't think she was out
to con me.
Initially.
When it all kicked off...
..it didn't occur to me.
I thought it was all her brother.
But now...
Yeah.
I think they were in it together
from the very beginning.
Yeah.
I keep thinking
I'd like to go to Bridlington.
What for?
It's where we had our honeymoon.
Alice and me.
Such as it was.
Where's that? Brid? East coast.
I should get a little car.
You can be there
in just over an hour on the M62.
You see, the M62 hadn't been built
when Alice and me went.
They hadn't opened it
till after we'd gone.
We could have a stroll on the beach.
Fish and chips,
happen a little paddle.
Fish and chips? Can I come?
Have you time?
I can make time.
I keep thinking I should
ask Alan or Celia to drive me,
but they're always busy.
I could drive you.
You could? How?
I have a car. We'd have to get bus
down to Sowerby Bridge, though,
to pick it up.
Aren't you a bit small to drive?
No. I'm older than I look. I'm 15.
You're not 15.
I am, I'm 15.
Aren't you supposed to be 17?
Normally, but I have
a special dispensation.
From the Pope?
No, it's nowt to do wi' the Pope.
I have this disease that makes you
look younger than you are.
I'm actually 35.
Well, I will be in July.
I used to be 35.
There's a bus in 12 minutes
if you get your skates on.
Morning. Morning.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Grandad?
Oh, hello, lad.
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I am.
Except, er...
I did this...stupid thing.
Who did? You did? Yeah.
Yeah. And I don't know...
...how to... I don't know what to
do to make it right.
Well, what have you done?
Right, you know the Banksy?
The not-Banksy. Yeah.
That's caused all the trouble
and why the sheep got out and why
Mum's reckoning she's selling up?
Yeah.
It was my friend Dinos.
He was on my course at Manchester.
He's an artist, a trainee art
teacher. It... It was a joke.
It started as a joke.
He can do, like, Banksy,
him and a couple of his mates.
And I was telling him
about the woodworm
and how me mum needed some money
and we were joking that if she had a
Banksy suddenly on her barn,
she'd be worth millions.
And then it was after me mum's
birthday
and that argument about money
with me mum and Celia.
I rang him that night,
and said, "Do it,"
thinking he might do it in a couple
weeks if ever but then
he done it next day,
and there was no-one
more amazed than me
and it was all in fun, but then
now it's all gone to shit.
Well, then...
It was never going to be a Banksy!
It was never going to fetch
millions! So, what was the point?!
I don't think we...
We didn't think it through.
We just...
I don't know. And I daren't tell her
cos it's really not funny now
and I didn't think about
how the barn...
..does her head in.
Cos of me dad.
The only thing I can think of
is if I offer her our savings.
No! Our deposit savings.
Me and Ellie's. No.
But you know what she's like,
she won't take it.
Oh... Ellie'll go mad
if I even suggest it.
But I don't want her to sell up
cos of me.
I'll just go and find it.
IGNITION SPARKS
ENGINE STARTS
POWER TOOL WHIRS
Oh! You've cracked on.
Yep. Has Ted been all right?
Yeah. He's been fine. Yeah.
Ted?
Ted?
Ted?
Is he in the garden?
Oh, I, er... I don't know.
I don't think so. Has he a mobile?
PHONE RINGS
Oh, bloody hell.
I think I'm not seeing it,
the day to day, what you're saying.
No, no, it's not...
It's not a fully formed...
It might be nonsense.
And I don't have an agenda here,
my only... Yes, I do have an agenda.
Sorry. My only agenda is Flora.
I can't do it on my own.
So?
Well, so, you want to farm
and can't afford to.
I earn silly money, or what a lot of
people
might consider to be silly
money,
but don't trust nannies and can't
manage the logistics of taking Flora
to school week in, week out,
so we could, could we not,
pool our resources somehow
and be mutually...
I don't know, er, beneficial?
Not... Not... Not in any kind of...
No. ..you know... No.
..way, obviously. But, um...
But live together? Mm.
You see, Raff and Ellie and Calamity
will be moving out soon,
and the baby, won't they?
When they've got their deposit.
Yep. Yep. They will.
And there'll be you in that place
on your own,
which will suddenly
seem very big.
And me and Flora on our own
in our big place.
Not that we're on our own at the
moment with John and Lawrence
and Mia, but, er, that's not...
No. But I couldn't come to you,
though, cos you've not got any
acres.
Ah, now,
there's a 9.5-acre field for sale
adjacent to me.
They're asking 120 grand.
I'd need 30, minimum,
to make it viable.
And you and Flora
couldn't come to me because...
..you just wouldn't like it,
Caroline.
You like everything clean and tidy
and my house is full of...
Well, the sort of stuff
low-life trailer-trash can afford,
or can't afford, in my case, so...
I never said that.
No, you did. No, I didn't.
It's been obliterated
from the face of the Earth,
that moment in time.
Hmm. OK.
And anyway, if I was putting money
in...
I... Oh...
Oh, I don't know.
SHE MOUTHS
It's a stupid idea, isn't it?
No. No, it isn't.
It's not stupid.
It's just...
..I might meet someone.
You might meet someone.
And then what? Well, I don't know.
It's a nice idea, it's just...
Oh, I don't know.
I know. I've got to go.
We'll talk later.
Yes, of course. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Bye-bye. Did you see it?
Consensus in the staffroom
is that it was her husband.
You know what a... Well, it sounds
glib saying "nutter", but...
Is he?
Well, controlling. Bullying.
Belittling her.
Knowing she'd have to drive to work
with that on her car.
Although reading between the lines,
the way she describes it,
you sometimes get the idea
they're both as bad as each other.
Get a message to her to come
and see me at break or lunchtime
or whenever's convenient. OK.
Right, we're heading for the A64
to York, once we get past Leeds.
OK.
Oh, you've missed it.
It was that last one!
Alan! Oh, hello.
You'll have to get your skates on.
Ted's gone AWOL again.
Eh? Celia phoned me.
She phoned you, but you're
not allowed your phone, are you?
No. So she phoned me. She thought
I might have taken him to the pub.
Yeah, obviously,
ten o'clock in the morning!
So, I've been up Ladstone Rock, I've
had a scout round, couldn't see him.
Celia wanted to stay at the house
so she's there
chance he wanders back in.
I'm on a shift! Well, I said that.
She said, "It's his flamin'
brother."
So, yeah, I don't know.
I can go looking somewhere else,
but you'll have to tell me where.
But he could be anywhere.
Well, he's an adult.
He can just wander off if he wants.
It was different before.
It was thundering, it was lightning
and he was jet-lagged. He could have
been out there all night!
Yeah, but... I don't know.
He's not all there, is he? Hey...
Come on, get your stuff.
I can't just walk out.
I need this job.
No, you can. You're 82,
you can do what the hell you like.
Where's our Ellie? I'll tell her.
I don't remember any of this.
Right! I'd better get
a parking ticket,
otherwise we'll be in trouble.
Yeah, we don't want
to get into trouble, Ted.
Well, I rang 101 rather than 999
because I didn't know
if it was an emergency or not,
but they seem to think it is,
because he does have dementia,
there's no two ways about it.
And as well as that,
they think he's vulnerable
because we have reason to think he's
depressed. Is he?
Oh! Where to start?
He's lost a lot of money.
Well, everything. He lost
everything.
And he's fallen out with all his
kids. It's why he's here.
So, why does that make him
vulnerable?
Falling out with your kids?
I think the idea is...
Well, depression can make you...
..suicidal.
Oh, shit. We need to find him!
Yes, I think that's why
we're all here.
CAR PULLS UP
Oh, Harry's back.
Oh, and Gillian.
Oh, is Gillian here?
Hey, what's happened?
Have you found him?
Not yet. Did you know you've got
someone living in your shed?
I...
I'm amazed it's still here.
It's just same as it was.
We were only here for the two
nights, then off we went.
New Zealand.
1956.
I've never been abroad.
It's nowt. I'd like to fly.
Well, it's all right, but you've
to trail round the airport,
and then you've got to queue up
for one thing after another.
No, I meant fly-fly.
Like proper, like a bird.
Riding an air current.
If I could choose,
that's what I'd be, I'd be a bird.
What would you be?
Oh, I'm all right as I am.
Are you?
Well, I was, till this business.
No, no, I can see the temptation.
Being a bird.
You could disappear over
the horizon.
Are we going paddling this aft?
Well, we should do,
while we're here.
Are we having a pudding?
We can do.
What it is, is I'd like to apologise
to her - Alice -
for this business.
She put a lot into that house.
She loved that house.
And she'd want me to be happy,
but she wouldn't want this.
But you can't apologise
to someone who's dead, can you?
No. I don't know.
You might be able to.
How?
I don't know.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ruth's here, Caroline.
Thanks. Leave the door open.
I saw your car.
Oh. Yeah.
People are talking about it.
Well, yeah. They will.
It says "mad bitch" on it.
I don't think I realised how...
..bad it was for you at home
if he'll do a thing like that.
I'm sorry. I did tell you.
I'm apologising
for not understanding it better,
for not listening properly.
I have a friend.
Well, she's my step-sister, in fact.
Gillian.
She was in an abusive relationship.
Psychologically abusive,
violently abusive.
If you'd like someone to talk to,
who'll understand and listen,
she would.
I haven't asked her,
but she will, I know she will.
I can give you her number.
In the meantime,
you may already have arranged
something, but if not,
Rhiannon Griffiths' father has
a body workshop down in Mirfield,
and he owes me a favour.
He owes me several favours,
actually, over the years,
with her behaviour.
I've rung him and he says
he can pick it up this afternoon,
and bring it back on Friday.
Helen's offered to take you home
and bring you back
in the mornings till then.
She lives out your way.
But it's up to you.
All at the risk of looking like
I care more than I should,
but then again, it's my job
to care about my students and staff,
so I'm between a rock
and a hard place.
I don't want you to thank me,
it's not why I'm doing it.
Helen's there.
Thanks. Sorry.
Thanks.
THEY LAUGH
Ted! Look I'm a crab!
Are you? That's it.
Come on! Come on in! Alice?
What are you frightened of?
I love you.
WHISPERS: I love you.
Can we go to Sheffield?
When?
Now.
See me sister.
What's she doing in Sheffield?
It's where she lives. Well,
how come you live up Norland?
Dunno. It's just where they put us.
Who?
Council.
When me mother died.
Well, what about your dad?
I don't think I ever had one.
She tells me stories about him,
our Stella does.
But I think she makes 'em up.
I go along with 'em, though,
cos I think it suits her.
Which one's Stella?
Me sister.
We see each other now and again,
whenever her people can be bothered
to drive her over to me,
or whenever my people can be
bothered to drive me over to hers.
Like at Christmas.
So, you've got people?
Neil and Heather.
They're like...foster parents.
Have you got an address for her,
in Sheffield?
We'd have to ask around
when we got there.
Sheffield's a big place.
Better get cracking, then.
I think I'll stay here.
Oh, come on, I need you to read map.
No, I'm all right here.
That isn't fair.
We'll go to Sheffield another time.
I want to go now.
Come on, I came here wi' you!
You go, I'm not stopping you.
That isn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
I hate you.
No, you don't.
Can't you pick me up on the way
back?
Pig!
IGNITION SPARKS
ENGINE STARTS
ALICE: Come on. Come on in.
What are you frightened of?
Any sign yet?
No, no, sign at all.
We've been up and down
Elizabeth Street and Langdale Street
and all round there.
Cos that's where we grew up,
all of us,
when we were kids. Aww.
And we've been in a few shops
and asked, but, no, nothing.
Could I just ask if you've seen this
old fella around?
We're going to walk over
to the railway station next.
Well, keep us informed.
We will.
Ta-ta.
SHE SIGHS
He's not all bad, is he, John?
Shall we look in church?
It's where him and Alice got wed.
It's where me and Eileen got wed.
Where me mum and dad got wed.
And mine.
Blimey, that's going back a bit.
PHONE RINGS
That's you.
Oh. Hello?
Hiya, Dad.
So, Cheryl's rung to say -
and she managed to speak to me
without saying anything offensive -
she's rung round all the hospitals,
she's put in a request to send
a helicopter to go over Norland Moor
and she's putting a missing persons
link on social media.
So not as completely useless and
dippy and mad and bonkers
and irritating
and disgusting as she looks.
Right.
And me and Rick have cracked on,
and, er...
..we're still here
if Ted walks through the door.
Oh, OK.
Well, thanks, love. Keep in touch.
Will do.
HE SIGHS
Are you all right?
It was a friend of Raff's...
..that did that Banksy.
He rang and told me this morning.
An art student.
Raff put him up to it, and, of
course, now he's feeling guilty.
He daren't tell his mum.
I'm not sure I dare either.
What the hell did he do that for?
He was trying to make
some money for her.
Well, how does that work
if it's not a real Banksy?
They didn't think things through.
Well, that backfired.
Yep.
Perhaps he shouldn't tell her.
It's not as if it's going to do any
good, is it?
ALAN SIGHS
And if he's got it off his chest
by telling you,
maybe that's as far
as it needs to go.
It's not like him, is it?
He's generally such a sensible lad.
Well, as I say, it was that
evening...
..when emotions got rather heated,
so...
It's kind of Gillian
to help put the old kitchen back in.
You know, given what was said.
What I said.
It's all a bit of a mess, isn't it?
You've lost your kitchen,
she's selling the farm,
Ted's... Oh, God knows.
God knows how Ted's
ended up in that pickle.
It's OUR kitchen.
We've lost our kitchen.
It's not MY kitchen.
And we don't know that yet.
I mean, if those cabinets
have been built,
and they're in a workshop
somewhere...
If he's not paying people, they're
not going to just hand things over.
We'd have it all to pay for
all over again.
Mm, I know.
I know. I'm just clutching at
straws.
If he's gone bust, that'll be it.
There'll be no way
of getting any money back.
We have to face facts.
And you'll want it all done,
won't you, hm?
You'll want it all spick and span.
You'll not be happy living with it
back like it was for long.
Well, it's very old-fashioned.
HE SCOFFS
And that cutlery drawer's
never shut properly.
And the cupboard doors at the end
have always been skewwhiff.
Then you go round to Caroline's
and everything's perfect.
Well...!
Well, Caroline earns a lot of money!
I...didn't dislike the old kitchen,
if I'm being really honest.
Well, you never said.
No, well, I know you like
spending money on stuff, so...
I like nice things.
HE CHUCKLES
I do love you.
Well, I'm encouraged to hear that.
Cos I have wondered lately.
We do...
..see the world differently,
I've increasingly realised.
I don't think we do.
We always have a laugh.
Less so since Brexit.
Oh, bugger Brexit.
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to
say.
And if only we could.
Well, it'd be boring
if we all thought just the same
about everything.
Yeah, normally I'd agree with you.
You see, I'm worried...
..you've got this job because you
don't like being at home with me.
And I'm worried
that you need to spend £20,000
on a new kitchen because you're not
getting enough excitement elsewhere.
No, that doesn't compute.
If you were happy with life,
you wouldn't give a stuff about
something like a new kitchen.
No, that's twaddle.
You can be in a perfectly
lovely relationship
and still not want a kitchen that's
got bacteria growing in the corners.
That's an exaggeration.
No, it's clinically proven -
men don't always see muck.
Just like they don't always see
a job that needs doing.
The way they can pass
a pile of clothes
without thinking of ironing it
or carrying it upstairs afterwards.
You see, to me...
..a kitchen that's been
put back in for you
by a young lad with a kind heart,
who didn't need to come
knocking on our door
and tell us what'd happened,
is a thing to be prized much more
highly than a thing put in -
or not put in, in our case -
by a fly-by-night that'll just take
your money and run.
Oh, bless. Aren't you simple?
Well, it's refreshing.
"Simple"?
It's folk that'll spend silly money
on all sorts -
thinking somehow that'll
make them happier that are...
Well, I hesitate to throw the word
"simple" back at you
because I think
that's a good quality to have.
"Deluded", I think, is the word.
I'm not deluded.
Nice things do make me happy.
Nice things, like a good kitchen,
make life easier.
It doesn't mean I'm not getting
enough excitement elsewhere.
SHE CHUCKLES
If I was a shameless thrill-seeker,
I hope I'd be more imaginative than
just having a new kitchen fitted.
When we went to New Zealand
after Gillian got wed,
we said experiences were
more important than things.
Can't we have a bit of both?
Well...
We need a holiday?
Is that it, do you think?
Well, can we afford a holiday?
Well...
We've got the remaining 5,000
that we should have paid to him.
Bloody Martin.
We could do something with that.
Where do you fancy?
Have a holiday
and live with the old kitchen -
is that what you're suggesting?
Well, 5,000's not going to go so far
with a new kitchen.
Not the sort we were having.
What I'd rather do
is, er, give it to our Gillian.
So she can get her timbers fixed
and change her mind
about selling the farm.
She might not take it, of course.
But...
..could you, would you,
think about it?
Or is that a non-starter?
I suppose I've had my comeuppance
over this damn kitchen, haven't I?
No, nobody's going to see it
like that.
She will. She won't.
She might.
All the same...
What if Caroline finds out?
She's going to think,
"How come they're giving money to
her and not to me?"
Will she heck?!
Caroline offered to give Gillian the
money and Gillian wouldn't take it.
Caroline did? Yeah.
Gillian told me.
Caroline did?
Well, you know what they're like,
them two, these days,
they're as thick as thieves.
Oh, she's money to burn,
hasn't she, Caroline?
What, and Gillian wouldn't take it?
Why not?
Well, happen she wouldn't take it
off us.
Well, there's only one way to find
out.
If you're willing.
Oh, go on, then.
But if I say yes...
..will you pack this bloody silly
job in?
What? I like my job!
How can you like wearing that
uniform?
What's up with my uniform?
I'm dapper.
CHUCKLES
Do you think?
Mm.
And who's this little lad, then,
that's been sleeping in our shed?
Oh, him...
SIREN WAILS
Ted! Ted!
Ted! Ted! Ted...
Ted?
DOG BARKS
Ted.
Ted?
Wow, poor bitch.
Yeah, give her my phone number,
or my e-mail,
whichever's easiest for her.
CAROLINE OVER PHONE:
That's very kind of you.
So, hang on, is she...?
Is she...the one that you...
..didn't have a thing about?
No, did. But, um...
No, but then you were in denial,
so...
Oh, yeah, that's right!
Yeah, didn't.
Er, it's her, yeah.
Wow.
OK.
So...?
So, I won't advise...
..murder.
Yeah, that would be good not to.
Um...
Yeah. OK.
What was the other thing?
The other thing you said you wanted
to talk to me about this morning,
about your mum and me dad?
Oh, it's just, um...
You know it's their wedding
anniversary
in about two or three weeks' time?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just...
I worry that they're not as, well...
I dunno. ..as they used to be.
In love?
No. I think...I think they are.
I think they are still in love.
Well, not just as...
...starry-eyed as they were,
that's all. And, um...
Brexit.
Yeah. And, er...
Well, this isn't great timing with
you thinking about selling the farm,
but I can pay for it anyway, so...
..I just wondered if we should pay
for a nice weekend away
for them somewhere.
Like, from both of us.
Or just a nice meal somewhere.
Aww! Aren't you romantical?
Is that a word?
No, I just made it up.
It's good, though, isn't it?
Yeah, we can do that.
Only if you come to Hebden Women's
Disco with me, though.
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
We need to get you down
with the lezzers.
SHE MOUTHS
You need to get out more.
No, I need to stay in more.
Oh, ey-up. Cheryl's back.
I'd better go.
Ring me when you've any news.
Is your dad in?
Do you know something?
Yeah.
Happen he...he'd gone to...
..scatter Alice's ashes.
I don't think so.
They're on the floor in the
bathroom. I don't know why.
Happen he was taking 'em
and then forgot.
Mm.
He was forgetting.
Do you want some tea?
Er, yeah. Aye. Tea.
I'll make it.
Do you want some tea, Cheryl?
No.
We'll get off.
I am... I am sorry, Mr Buttershaw.
No, you've, um...
It can't be easy,
delivering bad news.
You've been very kind.
I'll ring John and Harry.
They're still out looking.
Have been all afternoon.
Yeah, how did he get there?
Oh! Yeah.
He had Harrison with him.
Harrison?!
Must have gone with him.
On a train. Summat.
I wonder why Bridlington?
Mia's gone.
What?
All her stuff's gone.
Have you argued?
No! Phone her.
I have.
She's not answering.
You'd think
she'd have left a note, at least.
Aww. Come here.
Get off.
Sorry.
Poof. Sorry.
God, what a bitch!
Yeah, bitch.
I've made you some tea.
So...are you and Mum
getting back together?
No. No.
I mean, I'd like to, yes.
But no.
I don't know.
Possibly.
Probably not.
Who knows?
No.
Maybe.
Yeah.
No.
Who knows?
Wow.
Yeah.
Ta-ta.
Fuck off.
You fuck off.
HE MUTTERS
Fucking mad bitch.
BOTTLE CAP POPS
BEER GLUGS
Hi!
Hiya!
ORGAN INTRO:
I Vow To Thee, My Country
# I vow to thee, my country
# All earthly things above
# Entire and whole and perfect
# The service of my love
# The love that asks no question
# The love that stands the test
# That lays upon the altar
# The dearest and the best
# The love that never falters
# The love that pays the price
# The love that makes undaunted
# The final sacrifice. #
So, tell me about the little
fella in the shed.
Oh, yeah. Harrison.
Well, it turns out
that he's got a sister in Sheffield,
they got split up
when their mother died.
This is years ago.
Anyway, she'll, er...
She'll be 18 in a few months
and it seems they think that
if she puts in for a little flat,
he'll be able to go
and live with her,
which, it seems, is what he wants.
I did um and ah about accepting it.
But then I thought,
"Fuck it. I'm not cutting my nose
off to spite my face."
Good, I'm pleased.
I'm pleased you're not selling up.
Really upset me.
Aww!
And she apologised, your mum,
about, you know, that argument
on our birthdays.
Oh, good. Mm.
How's things with John?
Impossible.
Ridiculous.
I think he thinks he's moved in.
I keep saying to him, "You do know
you're not living here, don't you?
"You do know you've not moved in?"
And he just...
..smiles at me
and looks a bit gormless.
He's still in love with you.
Oh, don't say that.
You need to give him a clear signal.
Yes, I know! But what? What could be
clearer than saying that?
Well...
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
What about Harry?
We're not calling him Harry!
After his grandad,
his other grandad.
Yeah. Be all right if my grandad
wasn't a prize plonker, but he is.
I'm going to sneeze now. Achoo!
Stop it!
What would you call him, William?
Well, what about Alan? After Alan.
No! Alan? It's really...
I mean, I love me grandad,
but it's a bit...
It's really a little bit boring.
Can you baby-sit Flora on Saturday
night if Caz brings her over?
Yeah! Yeah, course.
We're going down
Hebden Women's Disco.
Oh, cool.
Ooh, Hebden Women's Disco.
And the super thing is
that our cutlery drawer
never used to pull out properly,
and he fixed it,
and the cupboards used to be
skewwhiff, and he sorted that out.
And then he gave everything
a really good clean
in all the nooks and crannies
before he put it back in.
Where are you and Alan going
for your anniversary?
Oh, that's just a nice little hotel
that Gillian and Caroline
booked for us in Skipton.
Aww.
Yeah, I know.
They are grand, both of 'em.
Well, they are
when they're behaving themselves.
MUSIC: Bulletproof
by La Roux
CHATTER
I was thinking... Oh, yeah?
Judith, you want to get in there.
Do you think?
Isn't she, like, a multimillionaire?
You could retire!
Yeah, she is!
You knock yourself out!
Oh, my God. I once bought
some sheep dip off her.
No, don't look! Don't look!
CLEARS THROAT
Bloody hell, that's Raff's
infant school teacher! Mrs...
Oh, er... ...Thing.
And she works in the chip shop
in Ripponden!
Jesus, they're everywhere.
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
Thank you.
Happy wedding anniversary.
Happy wedding anniversary.
GLASSES CLINK
Is it our seventh?
Er, yeah. Yeah, it is.
Mm.
I think so.
Is it?
Yep.
2013. Seven years.
Oh, so that's what it was!
What?
All this business.
You at the supermarket,
me needing a new kitchen.
The seven-year itch.
Ah! There you go.
It all falls into place.
Yeah, we've solved it.
Yeah, I'm glad we sorted that out.
Yeah, I'm glad we've got through it.
So am I.
Unscathed.
Well, more or less.
Well, it could've been worse.
How?
You could have run off with milkman.
I could have run off with the
milkman!
SHE LAUGHS
I don't think so.
Have you seen him?
HE LAUGHS
Oh, poor Ted.
Ted.
Ted.
Oh, we've gone all sad.
Well, how about this -
here's to the next seven years.
I'll drink to that.
Well, let's be honest,
I'll drink to anything.
And to the next
seven years after that.
PIANO PLAYS: Time After Time
Oh, listen.
Time After Time.
# I tell myself that I'm
# So lucky
# To be loving you. #
Shall we?
People'll think we're daft.
Do we care?
SHE CHUCKLES