Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Episode #5.2 - full transcript
Do you want to marry me? I'm
applying for a job. What for?!
What if he gets someone difficult?!
If you wanted to come
for dinner, I could cook.
Are you seeing anyone?
Tell me about Lawrence.
They do a YouTube channel.
I've got woodworm.
Needs doing sharpish.
Do you have that sort of money?
We might have to put the
kitchen on hold.
This is you all over, Gillian.
We'll find another way.
PHONE RINGS
It's Ted.
He's coming over.
The plot thickens.
Ta-ra. Night.
All right, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said...
Let's...
SHE SIGHS
I shouldn't have said anything,
not on people's birthdays,
I should've waited till we got
home. No.
I should've spoken to you
about it before we set off,
then we could have
discussed it properly.
I do understand why you want
to help her.
No, you're right. She's 53.
Just.
She needs to stop thinking
she can tap money off me.
I just worry, you know,
about workmen.
They can have you over a barrel
if you start mucking them about.
Yeah. Not turning up,
turning up late,
turning up when it suits
them. I know, I know.
We can't fall out, can we?
No!
And we're not going to.
Have you applied for this job
in this supermarket
because you're fed up with me?
No!
I know things haven't been
the same between us
since we couldn't agree about
Brexit.
It's just...to get out of the
house now and again.
Just...
..to see a few new faces.
Seeing new faces keeps you
young.
Are you fed up with this old face?
OWL HOOTS
No.
TV ON
DOG WHINES
Listen, don't take this the
wrong way,
but I can lend you this £5,000.
No.
Caroline,
she's right.
Shouldn't have asked.
Well, it's there. The offer.
If you need it.
You're kind, but no.
I'll have to find another way.
I, er...
What?
I got a birthday card off Robbie.
Sounds like he's doing all right.
Do you think he'll stay in Canada?
That's the first time he's been
in touch since he went.
Well, in touch with me.
He texts Raff every now and
again. It's a nice message.
That's what I thought.
I mean...it's, er, reassuring.
He hasn't changed his mind about not
saying anything to anybody...
..about owt.
Hmm.
I don't miss him. I thought
I might, in time, but...
You don't get lonely?
I think this is the least lonely
I've ever been.
Do you? Get lonely?
Yeah. I think, you know,
when you've got a little one
and you spend so much time
talking their language,
and then there's nobody there
to talk yours, then...yeah.
You want to put yourself out
there. I don't.
You need to get yourself over
to Hebden Women's Disco.
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
Second Saturday in the month.
I'll come with you.
You'll be there by yourself,
mate, cos I'm not coming.
Where do posh lesbians go to
get...? The Guardian!
Soulmates. Don't do this to me.
No, they do!
I've got someone coming round for
dinner tomorrow night.
Don't get excited! It's not...
She's probably not, erm...
It's my head of English. Ruth.
Wow.
Yes, the same as... The dog.
I know. Yeah. What's she like?
Well, she's not...
WHISPERING: ..gay.
Her husband's sleeping
in the spare bedroom,
but she's not gay, so...
But you like her.
She's 15 years younger than
me and she's not...
..as I say, but, yeah, yeah.
I do, yeah.
Do I? No, I don't know.
So, she's coming round for...?
Well, to go through the Q&A.
She's doing the Q&A when Judith
comes, so, obviously,
it's got to go smoothly
and be well planned...
Yeah! God, yeah, Judith.
No messing about.
No tripping up, pissed.
So you've invited her over for
dinner? Ruth?
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have.
No, you should have!
Yeah, but I don't know what
you...what you do. I don't know...
..anything, and I kind of wish
I hadn't now,
now that I've said it out loud.
Do you want me to come?
Say all the wrong things?
Yeah, that'd help.
Show you up, embarrass you?
Yeah, brilliant.
"Caroline fancies you"!
Shh.
That'd focus everyone's thoughts.
Don't make me wish I hadn't
told you.
You should go for it.
You're very attractive,
even if she is 15 years
younger.
She should be so lucky.
Seriously.
Life's short.
You deserve something nice.
You're a nice person.
Dad?
Hmm?
You all right? Mmm. Yeah.
Sitting in the dark.
Cool.
Bit weird.
What would you think about...
..if I got married again?
Who to?
Well, Judith, of course.
HE GIGGLES
You don't like her.
How do you mean?
She doesn't like you.
In what way?
You hate each other.
Oh, I see.
Well, yes.
I realise that's...an impression we
may have cultivated.
I've always found it convincing.
The thing is,
I don't want to hurt her.
No.
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Well, I'm just invading Iraq
upstairs, so...
I'm just going to... Sure.
So I thought I'd jump in
the Jag
with you and Flora, and Ted can
travel in the Lexus with Alan.
We'll need the Jag, anyway, for
Ted's luggage,
by the sound of things. Right.
Are you feeding the 5,000? No.
Got someone coming? Possibly.
Well, shall I set off, then,
if you're going together?
Do you know,
I could've met you there.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I just wanted five minutes
with you. Why?
I think he's fed up with me.
Alan? Why?
Well, why has he applied
for this job?
"To get out of the house,"
he's told me.
"To see a few new faces."
Well, that's...
Doesn't mean he's fed up of you.
Well, if he was happy at home,
he wouldn't think of applying
for a job, would he?
You know, it isn't as if he
needs to, is it? He's retired.
Yeah, but you don't want to be
in each other's pockets all day,
do you? Do you?
And then this business last
night with bloody Gillian.
Shh! Just...
Oh...
Be careful what you say. Oh.
There. Look.
Grando! Hello, love.
Hello.
Hey, you beat me!
Hmm. Looks like he's landed,
if he's on it.
He'll have security to get
through, four bags to collect,
and can't walk so fast, so he's
going to be, what,
20 minutes? Ah.
Can I go and look in that shop?
Stay where I can see you.
Can I have some money?
No, you can window-shop.
It's all landfill.
Have you seen Celia,
and Caroline? Not yet.
Everything all right at home
last night when you got back?
Yeah!
Yeah. Yeah.
HE SIGHS
I should've talked to her
about that there before we came
over, and then...
Yeah. Well... I'm sorry.
It's fine. Here, happen I could give
you a bit of something towards it,
at least, and not tell Celia.
No. No, I'm not having that.
You see, you try and please
everyone, and you end up
pleasing nobody!
Presumably Celia's happy now?
HE SIGHS
Which is fine. It's fine. Hey!
Ey-up, they're here.
Yeah.
Long time no see!
Long time no see!
They're great chums,
them two, aren't they, hey?
They never stop chatting when we
pick 'em up from school.
Yeah, they love each other.
She's a nice little kid, Flora.
Yeah.
Looks like he's landed! Yup!
Hopefully.
I'm going feeding chickens!
Right!
Ohh...
Fuck...off!
PHONE RINGS
Hiya.
You need to come and look at this.
Why, what's up?
Well, where are you?
Are you smoking? No.
You were, you were smoking!
You know, I'm not stupid,
I'm not blind.
This is that Leah
you're always on about!
When we went out for that drink
before Christmas with your lot,
she were never inside the pub!
Always standing outside
in the rain cracking her baccy
open!
This is just so typical of you,
this is. You're just so...
Oh, my actual God.
Who did you say you'd got
coming for dinner tonight?
I didn't,
cos I don't want any
comments or opinions.
Is that Ted?
Ted!
Ah! Here we are! Thanks,
love, that'll do.
Are you all right? Yes.
Oh, no, it's not mine, no.
No, we borrowed it.
We just saw it down there.
I think it belongs to the airline.
Either that, or there's someone
down there struggling.
BOTH CHUCKLE
How are we all? Hello, hello,
hello! Look at you!
Ted!
Gillian!
Oh, Ted, hello. Mwah.
And Caroline! Hello, Ted.
Hello, love. Aw.
And, er, who're these young
ladies?
This is Calamity - Emily -
and this is Flora.
How are you?
I'm... I'm lovely!
Oh, yeah, this is, er... Mia.
Mia! And, er... Alyssa.
And Alyssa.
Hi. We chummed up in Hong Kong.
He's so lovely! We love him.
They've been looking after me.
I said we'd give them a lift.
You have brought the Land Rover,
haven't you? Yeah! Yeah!
Aw! Uncle Ted!
Where are you going, exactly?
Where do you want a lift to?
Anywhere! Wherever you're going.
We could put them up for a couple
of nights, couldn't we?
Yeah! Yeah!
Till they've got their bearings.
Yeah, if...
Er, yeah.
We're no trouble.
We can sleep anywhere.
We could sleep in a ditch.
We'd rather not, but, um...
If we had to.
See you later.
See you later!
So...I'm confused.
So I'm taking Ted's...everything
and the kitchen sink
in my car with Mia and Alyssa,
but you're taking their backpacks
and Flora in your Land Rover.
Right.
Then I'll collect Flora
from you later,
when I've got five minutes.
And where are the Kiwis
going to?
Well, I have no idea. I know they're
not staying with me,
because I've got Ruth coming.
I would have them,
only we've no spare bedrooms.
So, what am I doing with
their backpacks?
Well, I'd drop them round at
my mum and your dad's.
That's where I'm intending to
drop them.
Good thinking, Batman. See you
there. I'll see you somewhere.
GIRLS GIGGLE
PHONE RINGS
Hello!
You know when you set off
to the airport?
Yeah.
As you were driving away
from the house,
did you not look in
your rear-view mirror at all?
Why? What for?
You didn't notice
anything...unusual about
the barn?
The barn?
No. OK.
Why?
Just...when you come back,
see if you can spot anything.
See if anything catches your eye.
Am I getting any clues?
No. No, I'll, er...
I'll leave it with you.
What are you on about?
You do realise this could be worth
a lot of money, don't you?
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
I've no idea who they are,
them two lasses.
They just latched on to me
in Hong Kong.
But they're pleasant enough.
Although one of them talks all
the time.
HE CHUCKLES
And the other one's a bit quiet.
But they...
They were very helpful.
Let's go for a pint!
A pint? Sure!
Shall we call the others
to come and join us?
No. Just you and me.
Somewhere nice.
Somewhere quiet.
Sure.
Is this near Scotland?
Well...relative to New Zealand
it is, yeah.
What?
You can probably get to
Edinburgh from Leeds
in a couple of hours on a train.
We could drop you in Leeds,
if you want, at the station.
They haven't got their bags.
Well, whose bloody idea was that?
Logistics!
You saw how full the boot was.
Oh, we'll do here first!
What are the top five things to
do in Yorkshire?
Like...in a cultural way.
Oh! Well...
You know what we're world
famous for round by us?
What? The Bronte sisters.
Are they...?
Is that...?
Is that, like, erm...? What is that?
Oh, the Bronte sisters!
You know, they wrote novels...
..walking round a table
at the parsonage in Haworth.
The Bronte sisters.
Charlotte and Emily and...
..the other one.
And Branwell.
No, he was the brother.
Yes, I know he was the brother.
You've heard of them?
They wrote Jane Eyre
and Wuthering Heights
before they died.
What else did they write?
The Turn Of The Shrew...Screw.
The... What is it?
The Taming Of The...
The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall.
No, that's that other one.
The other fella.
What other fella?
The Woman In White.
No, that's Wilkie Collins.
What is?
The Woman In White.
Well, who am I thinking
about, then? Which one?
Which fella wrote that other
one? That other one I said.
The Taming Of The Shrew
is Shakespeare.
The Turn Of The Screw is
Henry...um...
Henry...
What's his name?
He's really famous.
The Bostonians,
Washington Square.
What's his...? Henry...
VIII?
James!
It's Henry James!
You can't not have
heard of the Bronte sisters,
even in New Zealand.
It's good, innit?
Oh, I dream about this.
There you go.
It's what gets me to sleep at
night.
A Yorkshire pint
in a Yorkshire pub
on a Yorkshire hillside.
BOTH: Cheers.
You know we've been worried
about you, don't you?
Nadine rang.
Oh, bugger Nadine!
She's a bloody nuisance.
Oh, is she?
And she tells lies.
They all do.
She said you'd sold the house.
What else did she tell you?
Well, just that.
Well, that you'd, er,
fallen out with 'em all.
She didn't say why.
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh.
Oh! Well, there you go.
I've got a job! You have?
Yeah...
My interview was successful.
Doing what?
I've got to go on an induction
course.
Monday morning, 9am.
Four hours!
Smart, comfortable clothes,
comfortable shoes.
Um, checkout assistant
in, um, a supermarket.
What are you doing that for?
Then I go straight on to a shift
in the afternoon. Hmm?
Fun.
We must get some champagne!
Champagne? Yeah, I want to
stop off somewhere,
buy some champagne to celebrate.
My new job?
No, not your bloody job!
What do you need a bloody
job for at your age? No.
Me being here!
And, er, Bovril!
Who?
We must get some Bovril.
You can't get Bovril
in New Zealand.
Oh.
So, what did you all fall out
about?
Oh, it's long and boring.
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, you know what kids are
like.
Always looking for hand-outs,
even when they're in their 50s.
So I've... I've told them all,
they can...
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
..do one.
Oh...
They didn't even know
you were on a plane.
No.
Well...
..happen it'll make them
think. Hmm.
You're not short of money,
are you? Me?
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, no, no!
I'm glad to hear it.
CALAMITY: What is that?
What is that?
It's a giraffe!
I'm screaming!
BOTH SCREAM
She's screaming!
We're screaming!
GIRLS SCREAM
How did it get there?
Has somebody done that?
What is it?
GIRLS SCREAM
How could you not see it
when you left?
I...I might not always be
looking in my mirrors.
I might be looking
in the direction of travel,
for instance, in the traditional
manner. It's a Banksy.
I can...
I can see...
How did...?
It wasn't there yesterday.
It definitely wasn't there
yesterday,
because I walked down here,
and everyone came round
last night for supper!
They'd all have seen it.
Somebody would have seen that!
Well, he must've done it in the
night. I mean, that's what he does!
Like, by stealth!
It'll be worth millions.
You've got more room than me.
No. I haven't. I've got one guest
bedroom, the same as you.
You've got two, in fact.
But Ted's in one of them!
They can share, they're kids.
I'm sorry.
Gillian's dropped your bags
off, girls! Thanks!
Where are Alan and Ted? I thought
they'd be back sooner than us.
Right...I'm off.
You're better with younger
people than me.
You're used to them.
You know how to talk to them!
Yes, all week! This is my weekend.
Yes, but... No!
So, are we staying here,
Celia, or...?
Well, Caroline's got more
room than me, really.
You know, I'd be delighted
any other time,
except I've got a guest
coming this evening
and I still haven't started
cooking,
then I've got to collect Flora
from...
PHONE RINGS, SHE SIGHS
Gillian, hello.
Where are you? Yeah, I'm coming.
I'm just at my mother's. Why?
I...
..need you.
Oh.
OK.
I'll be ten minutes.
Right! I'm off.
Good luck!
Have fun. I'll, erm...
..tomorrow!
Right.
How long are you stopping,
by the way?
What? Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah,
that's it.
That's what I wanted to talk to
you about.
I'm not going back.
I bought a one-way ticket.
Have you told anyone?
Mr Buttershaw? Hello.
I thought it was you!
How did you get on with the lad?
Oh, him. Yeah. Yeah.
He ran off.
I said he would.
I told you not to bother.
I knocked on a door.
He said it was where he lived.
It wasn't. Who?
Oh, this little kiddy.
Shoplifting.
The day I came for my interview.
He's feral. Oh... No, seriously.
Lives in a foster home up
Norland - he's supposed to -
then he runs off,
lives in folk's sheds.
Oh... No, I'm serious.
They keep copping him, taking him
back and then he'll run off again.
Good for him. It's what I'd do.
My brother. Ted. He's just
flown in from New Zealand.
This is David.
He works here.
How do?
Well, did you get your tetanus?
Nah. Didn't break the skin.
Oh... I'm starting - Monday.
Ah!
I've got my induction day.
Well, very good.
Well, I might be seeing you
then. Aye. Keep smiling.
When you say you're stopping,
what do...what do you...
Oh-ho! ..mean?
85 quid!
HE CHUCKLES
Must be good stuff.
Do Nadine and the others know?
I mean, I was born here
and I shall die here.
I'm going to get some flowers
for Celia.
HE SIGHS
Look, I've said I'm sorry,
and I am sorry!
I just thought it would be a
shame, you know,
to waste a good black eye,
that's all.
So what? Oh, come on,
Angus baby, I need you
to do this thing over at Gillian's.
You'll have to give me some
petrol money if we're going all
the way over there.
Yeah, surely will.
Crap.
How much do you want?
30.
WATER BUBBLES
RINGING TONE
John! Caroline! Hi.
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Good! Good!
I just wanted to say thank you
for dinner again
the other night. It was...
Well, it was delightful,
not having seen you for so
long. What can I do for you?
Oh, just...
..Judith's asked me to marry her.
Oh, shit!
Are you going to?
Can I come over? Why? To talk.
Not today, no,
I'm just collecting Flora,
and then I've got someone
coming over for dinner. Who?
No-one. It's just my head of
English.
Is he...?
Is he...
..a woman?
Yeah. Yeah, he is. A woman.
Yup.
I don't want to marry her.
I don't think it's a good idea.
No. Do you?
No, but it's none of my
business, so there you go.
Thing is...
..I said yes.
OK.
It was...
Well, it was awkward.
I couldn't say no.
I should've done, but I didn't.
And I couldn't say,
"Can I think about it?"
because that sounds like no.
And you see...
..she's...
It's her health, her mental health,
it's so delicate,
so fragile, and I don't want her
to fall off the wagon again.
I just...
..don't want to marry her.
Well, no. No. No!
So this person you're seeing,
this head of English,
is she...? Is that...?
Are you...?
Er, no. No. No, she's...
We're just, um...
Yeah.
I mean, she's...she's... Yeah.
But no. It's not... She's not...
I wish I was still married to
you. There! I've said it.
It's out there.
Hmm.
Caroline?
Jesus Christ!
I know! I know, I know, I get that
completely,
but, look, I don't think you can
be completely gay
because we had such a good life
together. We get each other.
We're on the same wavelength.
Everyone else I know is...
John... ..so shallow and
empty and dull...
John! ..compared to you!
John, I'm going to have to go.
Why? No, don't.
I-I-I talk too much, I know.
I'm sorry. I...
What did you just say?
When?
Then, just then, all that.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Well, I...
Can I ring you back?
Yes! Yes, sure. When?
It might not be today.
CALL ENDS
Well, that went well.
Caroline's here.
Why's your mum so weird
about the barn?
She should be laughing her
socks off, and look at her.
Oh...
It's cos it's where me dad
killed himself.
Oh, God.
I... I didn't know
that's where it was.
Sorry.
Oh...
Is it real?
People are going to come
gawping, aren't they?
They're going
to come poking about.
It's going to be on
the f-f...news,
I mean, whether it's real or
not. And what does it even mean?
Giraffe?
Giraffe!
On a barn. On a farm?
What? What?
Oh, it'll be a metaphor.
For what?
Well, it's something about the
industrialisation of farm animals
or...or...in the modern world,
or the exploitation of...
I'm organic! Nearly.
I'm nice! My sheep are happy!
Ask them!
I'm not exploiting anybody!
I ought to be ringing 99 f-f...9!
It's not personal.
It can't be, can it? It's just...
Yeah, well, do some research!
This is vandalism!
Fucking painters!
Well, David Hockney will be
at it next. Gauguin, one o' them.
Cannelloni!
He can come and have a go.
Canaletto.
Any of 'em. Twats.
They need to leave people alone.
Look, it's not... It's not, um...
I hate that barn! I know.
It's alive - that barn
has a mind of its own.
I've told you before. No.
It doesn't, Gillian. He's in there.
Eddie, not Banksy.
He's in there.
Look, this could be a blessing.
I know it's weird, but it could be
worth a lot of money.
This could pay for your woodworm
and your roof timbers.
Nothing good will ever come
out of that barn, Caroline.
Oh, you don't know that.
This could be a turning point.
Listen, I can't stay,
I've got to start cooking.
Oh, God, you've got
your girlfriend coming.
You've got to calm down.
I know it stirs things up,
I know it does your head in,
but...
..she's not my girlfriend.
Flora! Come on!
Bye. See you tomorrow!
I'm at the end of the phone.
OK? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How did they get up there?
Bye. See you, Auntie Gillian.
Yeah.
Yo.
Lawrence! Is your m...?
Hi, Angus.
Is your mother see...?
Ooh, Popular!
Can you lend me 30 squids?
No, sorry. It's for petrol, please.
Not got any cash on me, sorry.
Sorry, just out of interest,
is your mother seeing someone?
No. Not that I know of.
And anyway, what if she was?
TV ON
HE SNORES
I was beginning to wonder
where the hell you'd got to!
Well, yeah, he wanted a pint,
and some Bovril, so...
HE CHUCKLES
You have got a mobile phone.
Yes. I never think.
Have you learnt anything?
Hmm? Cos I have.
They're nurses, them two.
So, not as daft as they look.
Nurses? On holiday.
They've taken three months
off to travel.
And they did just bump into
him in Hong Kong,
but then they were having
to look after him.
They reckon he'd been in a pickle
trying to fathom Hong Kong on his
own.
Anyway, I've said
they can stop a few nights,
because they've obviously
been very kind to him.
But that's it. Then we've got Martin
starting on the kitchen next week.
And I can't be doing
with a houseful.
Well, he says
he's not going back. Eh?
Yeah, he says he's stopping.
Where? Here. Here?
Well, I assume he's going to
buy himself a little house.
If it's going to be
a permanent arrangement.
I mean, he can't be short,
spending £85 on a bottle of
champagne.
And where is he going to be
stopping
until he buys this little
house? Here?
He sounds as if he's fallen out
with Nadine and everybody,
cos they were tapping money off
him - trying to -
after he'd sold his house.
Well, where was he living
after he sold his house?
With her.
For a bit. Then I think he went
to their Simon
for a month or two,
and then to one of the others.
And then he rented a little flat.
Rented? Why didn't he buy a
house there? I don't know.
He'll not want to be stopping here
for any length of time, surely.
He's been over there too long,
surely.
I mean, his life's there,
not here.
He seems quite adamant.
He'll be thinking
that the grass is greener.
Well, I think he'll be
disillusioned.
He's brought Alice's ashes
back with him.
Cor, she's been dead ten years.
Has he not scattered 'em
before now?
He says she always wanted to come
back here, so he's brought her.
He says he was born here,
and he'll die here.
And then he wants him and
her to be buried together -
their remains - up Blackley
with me mum and dad,
and her mum and dad,
and her sister.
Oh, and, erm...
What?
I know it's a sensitive subject.
But I've been offered that job.
I start on Monday.
I'm saying nothing.
CUTLERY RATTLES
KNOCK ON DOOR, DOG BARKS
Ooh! It's the Mothership. I didn't
know you were coming!
Yeah, cos I didn't ring an' tell
you, that's why.
Love, light and peace.
What's the matter with your
eye? Erm...
We were drunk.
Mm. Right, well, I've got someone
coming round for dinner.
Smells good.
Yeah, but the thing is, they'll be
here any minute, so...
Oh, don't worry.
We're off over to Gillian's.
We've got all the camping stuff.
Just thought we'd come and say
howdy.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
And can you lend me 30 quid?
No, I can't. I've got no cash on
me. You people are useless.
Hey! Hey, it's the little weirdo
from the planet Zog.
Have you come to read to me? No.
Aw. I like it when you read to me.
It's funnier than when
Mummy does it. Ah!
Er, Ruth's here.
What's he done to his face?
So, Ruth's here now.
So, Angus got in a fight
with an orangutan.
He didn't! Gillian's got a
giraffe! A what?
A real one? Has she?
Hi! Hi!
Come in!
Hi. Hi.
Bye.
Oh, sure.
So this is Lawrence,
my, erm, my...
Well, he was my youngest
until Flora came along.
And then I've got another one
in London. That's William.
He works for a publisher,
he's 24.
Nice.
Judith's publisher, in fact.
And this is Ruth.
And this is Angus. He's...
..got a black eye.
And now they're off camping!
See ya, boss.
Bye.
Bye, Mum. Bye.
Bye. Bye, weirdo.
Can I come?
No. A real giraffe?
No, you'll see when you get
there. Have fun!
And don't irritate Gillian!
She's...not very happy about
the giraffe.
Seriously, someone has a real...?
No, no, no, it's...
Actually, it's probably
not a Banksy.
It's a painting, a mural that's
appeared on her barn wall.
Wow.
Won't be a real one. OK.
Although it does look like one.
These are for you.
Ah.
Thank you. Pleasure.
So this is Flora?
DOG WHIMPERS
But who's this?
Ah, so that's...
Ruth. Yes, that's...
The dog's called Ruth, Ruth.
Ruth?
Sorry, I can explain.
No.
Erm...
Listen, is it all right
if I leave my car here tonight
and get a taxi home and then come
and pick it up tomorrow morning?
It's just then I can have
a couple of glasses of wine
and not worry about it.
Er, yeah, course!
You can stay over, if you like.
We've, erm...
..plenty of room.
Mm. Laura looked up
some wedding venues online.
I mean, we could really go for
it if we wanted to.
We could really push
the boat out.
But I don't know that I wouldn't
like to just get married
in some charmless, nondescript,
threadbare little registry office.
Yes...
Yes. Sure.
Sure.
It isn't like we've got millions of
people to invite, is it?
PHONE BEEPS
What's that?
Oh.
Lawrence.
I just think something small
and discreet
and a bit shit is just...
..more us.
Don't you?
Yeah.
And this is LAADS riding through the
West Riding of Yorkshire,
trying to find Granny's
little gaff.
And what does Riding mean, Angus?
Will you get that out of my
face when I'm concentrating?
Can you drive properly?
This is properly.
Yeah, I need smooth. Whoa!
You nearly went into the
signpost, you fuckin' idiot!
Well, stop being a tit.
You're a tit. You're a tit.
Which one is it?
Which one is what?
House! Which house?
I don't know. It's the one
with their car on the drive,
I guess. Tell everyone
what Riding means, Angus.
A third. It means a third.
North, East, West.
No South.
Can you do it like you care?
I don't care. It's not funny.
Well, make it funny!
It's not funny, it's not
interesting.
West Riding.
The West Riding of Yorkshire.
Oooh, it's this one!
TYRES SQUEAL
Mind the Lexus!
Did you get that,
did you film that?
That was good.
Piss.
CELIA: £30? Course you can,
chicken.
Where have I put my purse?
Well, where are you going
camping, lads?
BOTH: Gillian's.
Ah!
There we are. Is that enough?
Would you like a bit more?
No, Gran.
No, go on, then, just....
How big's your tint?
Oh, our tent! Our tent is,
erm...
Big.
It's big.
My stars! Look at that!
What?
Is that a what's-it?
A what?
A thingy! That bloke.
Oh, my God! What? What are you
looking at?
Holy mole shit! This is one for
Instagram.
BRAKES ENGAGE
MIA AND ALYSSA SCREAM
Eyes on the road!
MIA AND ALYSSA LAUGH
CAMERA CLICKS
And they were both 75?
They hadn't seen each other
for nearly 60 years.
It was very romantic.
Oh, there's hope for us all.
Except the reality,
when you haven't seen
anyone for that long,
is that you don't really know
them. And what's become apparent
is that they have very different
views on things
sometimes and...
Oh, I don't know.
It was kind of funny to start
with, him with his Guardian
and her with her Daily Mail.
Can I...?
Oh, sure, I'll get another one.
It's like this morning.
So my mother is worried
that he's fed up with her.
And I'm all,
"Oh, Alan? Surely not!"
Because we've all bought into
how marvellous it all is
that two elderly people can fall in
love again after all this time,
and yet the reality, seven
years on, is that...
Well, for instance,
he can't understand why anyone
would want to spend £20,000 on
a new kitchen.
And she can't understand
why anyone would want to
spend anything less.
Would you like to sit somewhere
more comfortable?
Sure.
But he goes along with it,
kind of because he has to,
because - let's not mince words -
she is a force to be reckoned
with, my mother.
But sometimes I look at him,
and he just looks...
..bewildered
and, erm...
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe sometimes he is fed
up of her.
It'll be jet lag.
Don't you think we should
wake him up
so he can get into bed?
I don't know -
he looks very comfortable.
Does he know where his
bedroom is?
Well, I showed him. Earlier.
I don't want him waking in the
night, wondering where he is.
Especially if he needs the
bathroom.
Does he know where the bathroom is?
Yes. He went.
When you both finally
decided to show up.
I've explained why we were late.
Give him a nudge.
Ted? Mm?
Ted?
Ted! Oh, leave him.
Let's leave the side light on.
He'll be all right.
I wonder where Alice's ashes are.
Well, they'll be somewhere.
No shit, Sherlock.
Well, I imagine
they're in one of his suitcases.
Should we get her out,
do you think?
Put her somewhere...
More dignified?
Less cramped.
I don't know, I don't want
to be going through his stuff.
Here, shall I put this blanket
over him?
You can do.
Eh, Ted.
What have you been up to
this time, old lad?
Are you all right?
Alan?
Yeah.
Just remembering things.
What things?
Shall we get into bed?
Hmm.
He never wanted to go
to New Zealand in first place.
It were my mother and dad...
made him go.
Why?
Well, she was pregnant. Alice.
They'd only been together
five minutes.
My mother and dad were livid.
And her mother and dad!
They wouldn't speak to her. They
wouldn't have her in the house.
You're joking.
Well, they thought
they were a bit of summat...
..up at church.
So...
Oh, hell.
I remember me dad and Ted
having a fight.
A proper set-to -
shouting, me mother crying...
It was when the government were
advertising for people to emigrate.
They were desperate for people
to go over and build houses
and dams and roads
and all sorts.
There were a lot of incentives for
anybody that was short of work.
I remember.
Or...
..needed to get away.
So they got wed and off they went.
They made the most of it,
but he'd not have gone
through choice.
And I think he felt
like they'd been banished.
And it wasn't fair.
They thought the world of
each other,
and they shouldn't have been
made to feel like that.
I never realised.
When we visited him,
he's never said anything.
Well, like I say,
I kind of forgot about it myself.
But you get on with life, don't
you? Put a different spin on it,
for your own sake.
And then that becomes the truth.
But it was when he said that he'd
brought her ashes with him...
..it all came back to me.
And it saddened me,
the idea that all this time
they never stopped wanting to
come back. And now they have.
Only it's too late.
She's dead, and he's...
I do think he is losing it a bit.
Oh, Alan.
I'll have to help him.
Shan't I? Whatever's gone on.
He's the only brother
I'll ever have.
HE SIGHS
No way!
Yes! No...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
So I could say, "Judith,
"tell us about the time you trashed
Caroline's kitchen
"and then puked up behind
the stairs"?
Yes, you could!
SHE SIGHS
It's possibly not a suitable
anecdote
for her adoring
adolescent acolytes,
but, wahey, who cares?
Oh, God, and then the first
time I met her.
Well, she fell over -
she was pissed - on some glass, and
she slit an artery in her wrist,
and I ended up in casualty with her.
And it was my birthday!
And it was her glass!
It was her bottle of wine
that she'd dropped!
Oh, dear.
Oh, she's a pisshead.
I am glad you're telling me this.
Cos it's making me realise
that she's just...
..a bit rubbish.
Like the rest of us.
Yes, well...
Yeah, she is.
It'll mean I'm not mumbling
incoherently when I interview her.
Right... How far have we got?
Oh, fuck, I can't focus any
more. I'm too pissed.
Well, we can... We'll pick it up
in the morning. It's fine.
You'll be fine,
you've got loads.
God.
BOTH SIGH
Are you all right?
Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, God, it is just so nice...
..not being in that house
with him.
Is it?
Yeah.
Mm.
Wow.
I'm going to be nosey.
Mm?
How does Flora fit into...?
Because she's not John's.
No. Oh, God, no.
So you had a fling with...?
Well, no. No, I didn't.
Erm... No. Flora's, erm...
Well, I kind of did.
So after John went off with
her, I, erm...
SHE SIGHS
I got married again.
OK.
To who?
To Kate.
And, er...
That's Kate.
There.
And...
..Kate wanted a baby, so...
We got pregnant.
Well, she did.
And then she was knocked
down...
..and killed.
She was pregnant -
eight and a half months.
They managed to save Flora,
but not her.
It happened the day after we
got married.
We got married on the Saturday.
That happened on the Sunday.
No...
Five years ago.
So you're...?
I didn't realise that you were...
Bereaved?
Gay.
Oh.
Oh, well, no!
Neither did I, but, er...
Well, I did.
I didn't advertise it,
particularly, but I've never...
..hidden it either. If I was with
someone, it would be more obvious,
but I'm not now, so...
Sorry, I thought you...
..did know.
Wow. Gosh.
That is a tragic thing
to have happened.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I'm not feeling too good.
OK.
I think I've drunk too much.
I...I have drunk too much.
I might go to bed.
Sure.
It's, erm...
It's just at the top of the
stairs, far end.
Would you like some water? No.
Actually, why don't I ring
for a taxi?
Oh, you don't have to.
No, but...
Saturday night, you'd be lucky to
get one if you...
Well, if it hasn't been
booked. I had no idea.
Is it a problem?
No! God, no.
Why would it be?
No, just...
I just thought you knew.
No.
It's not why I invited you
here. Is that why you thought
I wanted to come here?
You thought that I'm...?
No!
No!
Why don't I make us some coffee?
Yeah.
RAIN DRIPS
THUNDER RUMBLES
Bastard.
GUNSHOT, ALL GASP
What was that?
Some dumb bastard shooting.
Morning. What you doing?
Foxes.
Pestering sheep.
Sleep OK?
MIA AND ALYSSA: No.
There's coffee and bacon on the go
in the kitchen if you're hungry.
Right.
BANGING
DOG WHIMPERS
DOG BARKS
SHE GROANS
DOOR CLOSES
Shit.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Ted?
Would you like a cup of tea?
Where is he?
Who?
Is he outside?
Who? Ted!
I've no idea.
Did you open these doors?
No.
Where is he?
Where the hell is he?
Ted!
Ted!
THUNDER CRASHES, CELIA GASPS
Make it a fiver, and I'll make
sure nobody touches your car.
And I know you'd be upset
if it got scratched.
Well, ring the police.
Obviously, that's exactly
what needs to happen next.
You're 50-odd. I'm 38.
Look at yourself.
JOHN: Don't humiliate Caroline.
JUDITH: Don't tell me
how to behave.
When I saw John today, I realised
that I almost miss him.
Hello.
Fuck off! Sheep farming...
Just...don't...
applying for a job. What for?!
What if he gets someone difficult?!
If you wanted to come
for dinner, I could cook.
Are you seeing anyone?
Tell me about Lawrence.
They do a YouTube channel.
I've got woodworm.
Needs doing sharpish.
Do you have that sort of money?
We might have to put the
kitchen on hold.
This is you all over, Gillian.
We'll find another way.
PHONE RINGS
It's Ted.
He's coming over.
The plot thickens.
Ta-ra. Night.
All right, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said...
Let's...
SHE SIGHS
I shouldn't have said anything,
not on people's birthdays,
I should've waited till we got
home. No.
I should've spoken to you
about it before we set off,
then we could have
discussed it properly.
I do understand why you want
to help her.
No, you're right. She's 53.
Just.
She needs to stop thinking
she can tap money off me.
I just worry, you know,
about workmen.
They can have you over a barrel
if you start mucking them about.
Yeah. Not turning up,
turning up late,
turning up when it suits
them. I know, I know.
We can't fall out, can we?
No!
And we're not going to.
Have you applied for this job
in this supermarket
because you're fed up with me?
No!
I know things haven't been
the same between us
since we couldn't agree about
Brexit.
It's just...to get out of the
house now and again.
Just...
..to see a few new faces.
Seeing new faces keeps you
young.
Are you fed up with this old face?
OWL HOOTS
No.
TV ON
DOG WHINES
Listen, don't take this the
wrong way,
but I can lend you this £5,000.
No.
Caroline,
she's right.
Shouldn't have asked.
Well, it's there. The offer.
If you need it.
You're kind, but no.
I'll have to find another way.
I, er...
What?
I got a birthday card off Robbie.
Sounds like he's doing all right.
Do you think he'll stay in Canada?
That's the first time he's been
in touch since he went.
Well, in touch with me.
He texts Raff every now and
again. It's a nice message.
That's what I thought.
I mean...it's, er, reassuring.
He hasn't changed his mind about not
saying anything to anybody...
..about owt.
Hmm.
I don't miss him. I thought
I might, in time, but...
You don't get lonely?
I think this is the least lonely
I've ever been.
Do you? Get lonely?
Yeah. I think, you know,
when you've got a little one
and you spend so much time
talking their language,
and then there's nobody there
to talk yours, then...yeah.
You want to put yourself out
there. I don't.
You need to get yourself over
to Hebden Women's Disco.
I am not going to
Hebden Women's Disco.
Second Saturday in the month.
I'll come with you.
You'll be there by yourself,
mate, cos I'm not coming.
Where do posh lesbians go to
get...? The Guardian!
Soulmates. Don't do this to me.
No, they do!
I've got someone coming round for
dinner tomorrow night.
Don't get excited! It's not...
She's probably not, erm...
It's my head of English. Ruth.
Wow.
Yes, the same as... The dog.
I know. Yeah. What's she like?
Well, she's not...
WHISPERING: ..gay.
Her husband's sleeping
in the spare bedroom,
but she's not gay, so...
But you like her.
She's 15 years younger than
me and she's not...
..as I say, but, yeah, yeah.
I do, yeah.
Do I? No, I don't know.
So, she's coming round for...?
Well, to go through the Q&A.
She's doing the Q&A when Judith
comes, so, obviously,
it's got to go smoothly
and be well planned...
Yeah! God, yeah, Judith.
No messing about.
No tripping up, pissed.
So you've invited her over for
dinner? Ruth?
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have.
No, you should have!
Yeah, but I don't know what
you...what you do. I don't know...
..anything, and I kind of wish
I hadn't now,
now that I've said it out loud.
Do you want me to come?
Say all the wrong things?
Yeah, that'd help.
Show you up, embarrass you?
Yeah, brilliant.
"Caroline fancies you"!
Shh.
That'd focus everyone's thoughts.
Don't make me wish I hadn't
told you.
You should go for it.
You're very attractive,
even if she is 15 years
younger.
She should be so lucky.
Seriously.
Life's short.
You deserve something nice.
You're a nice person.
Dad?
Hmm?
You all right? Mmm. Yeah.
Sitting in the dark.
Cool.
Bit weird.
What would you think about...
..if I got married again?
Who to?
Well, Judith, of course.
HE GIGGLES
You don't like her.
How do you mean?
She doesn't like you.
In what way?
You hate each other.
Oh, I see.
Well, yes.
I realise that's...an impression we
may have cultivated.
I've always found it convincing.
The thing is,
I don't want to hurt her.
No.
Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Well, I'm just invading Iraq
upstairs, so...
I'm just going to... Sure.
So I thought I'd jump in
the Jag
with you and Flora, and Ted can
travel in the Lexus with Alan.
We'll need the Jag, anyway, for
Ted's luggage,
by the sound of things. Right.
Are you feeding the 5,000? No.
Got someone coming? Possibly.
Well, shall I set off, then,
if you're going together?
Do you know,
I could've met you there.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I just wanted five minutes
with you. Why?
I think he's fed up with me.
Alan? Why?
Well, why has he applied
for this job?
"To get out of the house,"
he's told me.
"To see a few new faces."
Well, that's...
Doesn't mean he's fed up of you.
Well, if he was happy at home,
he wouldn't think of applying
for a job, would he?
You know, it isn't as if he
needs to, is it? He's retired.
Yeah, but you don't want to be
in each other's pockets all day,
do you? Do you?
And then this business last
night with bloody Gillian.
Shh! Just...
Oh...
Be careful what you say. Oh.
There. Look.
Grando! Hello, love.
Hello.
Hey, you beat me!
Hmm. Looks like he's landed,
if he's on it.
He'll have security to get
through, four bags to collect,
and can't walk so fast, so he's
going to be, what,
20 minutes? Ah.
Can I go and look in that shop?
Stay where I can see you.
Can I have some money?
No, you can window-shop.
It's all landfill.
Have you seen Celia,
and Caroline? Not yet.
Everything all right at home
last night when you got back?
Yeah!
Yeah. Yeah.
HE SIGHS
I should've talked to her
about that there before we came
over, and then...
Yeah. Well... I'm sorry.
It's fine. Here, happen I could give
you a bit of something towards it,
at least, and not tell Celia.
No. No, I'm not having that.
You see, you try and please
everyone, and you end up
pleasing nobody!
Presumably Celia's happy now?
HE SIGHS
Which is fine. It's fine. Hey!
Ey-up, they're here.
Yeah.
Long time no see!
Long time no see!
They're great chums,
them two, aren't they, hey?
They never stop chatting when we
pick 'em up from school.
Yeah, they love each other.
She's a nice little kid, Flora.
Yeah.
Looks like he's landed! Yup!
Hopefully.
I'm going feeding chickens!
Right!
Ohh...
Fuck...off!
PHONE RINGS
Hiya.
You need to come and look at this.
Why, what's up?
Well, where are you?
Are you smoking? No.
You were, you were smoking!
You know, I'm not stupid,
I'm not blind.
This is that Leah
you're always on about!
When we went out for that drink
before Christmas with your lot,
she were never inside the pub!
Always standing outside
in the rain cracking her baccy
open!
This is just so typical of you,
this is. You're just so...
Oh, my actual God.
Who did you say you'd got
coming for dinner tonight?
I didn't,
cos I don't want any
comments or opinions.
Is that Ted?
Ted!
Ah! Here we are! Thanks,
love, that'll do.
Are you all right? Yes.
Oh, no, it's not mine, no.
No, we borrowed it.
We just saw it down there.
I think it belongs to the airline.
Either that, or there's someone
down there struggling.
BOTH CHUCKLE
How are we all? Hello, hello,
hello! Look at you!
Ted!
Gillian!
Oh, Ted, hello. Mwah.
And Caroline! Hello, Ted.
Hello, love. Aw.
And, er, who're these young
ladies?
This is Calamity - Emily -
and this is Flora.
How are you?
I'm... I'm lovely!
Oh, yeah, this is, er... Mia.
Mia! And, er... Alyssa.
And Alyssa.
Hi. We chummed up in Hong Kong.
He's so lovely! We love him.
They've been looking after me.
I said we'd give them a lift.
You have brought the Land Rover,
haven't you? Yeah! Yeah!
Aw! Uncle Ted!
Where are you going, exactly?
Where do you want a lift to?
Anywhere! Wherever you're going.
We could put them up for a couple
of nights, couldn't we?
Yeah! Yeah!
Till they've got their bearings.
Yeah, if...
Er, yeah.
We're no trouble.
We can sleep anywhere.
We could sleep in a ditch.
We'd rather not, but, um...
If we had to.
See you later.
See you later!
So...I'm confused.
So I'm taking Ted's...everything
and the kitchen sink
in my car with Mia and Alyssa,
but you're taking their backpacks
and Flora in your Land Rover.
Right.
Then I'll collect Flora
from you later,
when I've got five minutes.
And where are the Kiwis
going to?
Well, I have no idea. I know they're
not staying with me,
because I've got Ruth coming.
I would have them,
only we've no spare bedrooms.
So, what am I doing with
their backpacks?
Well, I'd drop them round at
my mum and your dad's.
That's where I'm intending to
drop them.
Good thinking, Batman. See you
there. I'll see you somewhere.
GIRLS GIGGLE
PHONE RINGS
Hello!
You know when you set off
to the airport?
Yeah.
As you were driving away
from the house,
did you not look in
your rear-view mirror at all?
Why? What for?
You didn't notice
anything...unusual about
the barn?
The barn?
No. OK.
Why?
Just...when you come back,
see if you can spot anything.
See if anything catches your eye.
Am I getting any clues?
No. No, I'll, er...
I'll leave it with you.
What are you on about?
You do realise this could be worth
a lot of money, don't you?
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
I've no idea who they are,
them two lasses.
They just latched on to me
in Hong Kong.
But they're pleasant enough.
Although one of them talks all
the time.
HE CHUCKLES
And the other one's a bit quiet.
But they...
They were very helpful.
Let's go for a pint!
A pint? Sure!
Shall we call the others
to come and join us?
No. Just you and me.
Somewhere nice.
Somewhere quiet.
Sure.
Is this near Scotland?
Well...relative to New Zealand
it is, yeah.
What?
You can probably get to
Edinburgh from Leeds
in a couple of hours on a train.
We could drop you in Leeds,
if you want, at the station.
They haven't got their bags.
Well, whose bloody idea was that?
Logistics!
You saw how full the boot was.
Oh, we'll do here first!
What are the top five things to
do in Yorkshire?
Like...in a cultural way.
Oh! Well...
You know what we're world
famous for round by us?
What? The Bronte sisters.
Are they...?
Is that...?
Is that, like, erm...? What is that?
Oh, the Bronte sisters!
You know, they wrote novels...
..walking round a table
at the parsonage in Haworth.
The Bronte sisters.
Charlotte and Emily and...
..the other one.
And Branwell.
No, he was the brother.
Yes, I know he was the brother.
You've heard of them?
They wrote Jane Eyre
and Wuthering Heights
before they died.
What else did they write?
The Turn Of The Shrew...Screw.
The... What is it?
The Taming Of The...
The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall.
No, that's that other one.
The other fella.
What other fella?
The Woman In White.
No, that's Wilkie Collins.
What is?
The Woman In White.
Well, who am I thinking
about, then? Which one?
Which fella wrote that other
one? That other one I said.
The Taming Of The Shrew
is Shakespeare.
The Turn Of The Screw is
Henry...um...
Henry...
What's his name?
He's really famous.
The Bostonians,
Washington Square.
What's his...? Henry...
VIII?
James!
It's Henry James!
You can't not have
heard of the Bronte sisters,
even in New Zealand.
It's good, innit?
Oh, I dream about this.
There you go.
It's what gets me to sleep at
night.
A Yorkshire pint
in a Yorkshire pub
on a Yorkshire hillside.
BOTH: Cheers.
You know we've been worried
about you, don't you?
Nadine rang.
Oh, bugger Nadine!
She's a bloody nuisance.
Oh, is she?
And she tells lies.
They all do.
She said you'd sold the house.
What else did she tell you?
Well, just that.
Well, that you'd, er,
fallen out with 'em all.
She didn't say why.
PHONE BEEPS
Ooh.
Oh! Well, there you go.
I've got a job! You have?
Yeah...
My interview was successful.
Doing what?
I've got to go on an induction
course.
Monday morning, 9am.
Four hours!
Smart, comfortable clothes,
comfortable shoes.
Um, checkout assistant
in, um, a supermarket.
What are you doing that for?
Then I go straight on to a shift
in the afternoon. Hmm?
Fun.
We must get some champagne!
Champagne? Yeah, I want to
stop off somewhere,
buy some champagne to celebrate.
My new job?
No, not your bloody job!
What do you need a bloody
job for at your age? No.
Me being here!
And, er, Bovril!
Who?
We must get some Bovril.
You can't get Bovril
in New Zealand.
Oh.
So, what did you all fall out
about?
Oh, it's long and boring.
I'm not going anywhere.
Well, you know what kids are
like.
Always looking for hand-outs,
even when they're in their 50s.
So I've... I've told them all,
they can...
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
..do one.
Oh...
They didn't even know
you were on a plane.
No.
Well...
..happen it'll make them
think. Hmm.
You're not short of money,
are you? Me?
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, no, no!
I'm glad to hear it.
CALAMITY: What is that?
What is that?
It's a giraffe!
I'm screaming!
BOTH SCREAM
She's screaming!
We're screaming!
GIRLS SCREAM
How did it get there?
Has somebody done that?
What is it?
GIRLS SCREAM
How could you not see it
when you left?
I...I might not always be
looking in my mirrors.
I might be looking
in the direction of travel,
for instance, in the traditional
manner. It's a Banksy.
I can...
I can see...
How did...?
It wasn't there yesterday.
It definitely wasn't there
yesterday,
because I walked down here,
and everyone came round
last night for supper!
They'd all have seen it.
Somebody would have seen that!
Well, he must've done it in the
night. I mean, that's what he does!
Like, by stealth!
It'll be worth millions.
You've got more room than me.
No. I haven't. I've got one guest
bedroom, the same as you.
You've got two, in fact.
But Ted's in one of them!
They can share, they're kids.
I'm sorry.
Gillian's dropped your bags
off, girls! Thanks!
Where are Alan and Ted? I thought
they'd be back sooner than us.
Right...I'm off.
You're better with younger
people than me.
You're used to them.
You know how to talk to them!
Yes, all week! This is my weekend.
Yes, but... No!
So, are we staying here,
Celia, or...?
Well, Caroline's got more
room than me, really.
You know, I'd be delighted
any other time,
except I've got a guest
coming this evening
and I still haven't started
cooking,
then I've got to collect Flora
from...
PHONE RINGS, SHE SIGHS
Gillian, hello.
Where are you? Yeah, I'm coming.
I'm just at my mother's. Why?
I...
..need you.
Oh.
OK.
I'll be ten minutes.
Right! I'm off.
Good luck!
Have fun. I'll, erm...
..tomorrow!
Right.
How long are you stopping,
by the way?
What? Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah,
that's it.
That's what I wanted to talk to
you about.
I'm not going back.
I bought a one-way ticket.
Have you told anyone?
Mr Buttershaw? Hello.
I thought it was you!
How did you get on with the lad?
Oh, him. Yeah. Yeah.
He ran off.
I said he would.
I told you not to bother.
I knocked on a door.
He said it was where he lived.
It wasn't. Who?
Oh, this little kiddy.
Shoplifting.
The day I came for my interview.
He's feral. Oh... No, seriously.
Lives in a foster home up
Norland - he's supposed to -
then he runs off,
lives in folk's sheds.
Oh... No, I'm serious.
They keep copping him, taking him
back and then he'll run off again.
Good for him. It's what I'd do.
My brother. Ted. He's just
flown in from New Zealand.
This is David.
He works here.
How do?
Well, did you get your tetanus?
Nah. Didn't break the skin.
Oh... I'm starting - Monday.
Ah!
I've got my induction day.
Well, very good.
Well, I might be seeing you
then. Aye. Keep smiling.
When you say you're stopping,
what do...what do you...
Oh-ho! ..mean?
85 quid!
HE CHUCKLES
Must be good stuff.
Do Nadine and the others know?
I mean, I was born here
and I shall die here.
I'm going to get some flowers
for Celia.
HE SIGHS
Look, I've said I'm sorry,
and I am sorry!
I just thought it would be a
shame, you know,
to waste a good black eye,
that's all.
So what? Oh, come on,
Angus baby, I need you
to do this thing over at Gillian's.
You'll have to give me some
petrol money if we're going all
the way over there.
Yeah, surely will.
Crap.
How much do you want?
30.
WATER BUBBLES
RINGING TONE
John! Caroline! Hi.
Hi. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Good! Good!
I just wanted to say thank you
for dinner again
the other night. It was...
Well, it was delightful,
not having seen you for so
long. What can I do for you?
Oh, just...
..Judith's asked me to marry her.
Oh, shit!
Are you going to?
Can I come over? Why? To talk.
Not today, no,
I'm just collecting Flora,
and then I've got someone
coming over for dinner. Who?
No-one. It's just my head of
English.
Is he...?
Is he...
..a woman?
Yeah. Yeah, he is. A woman.
Yup.
I don't want to marry her.
I don't think it's a good idea.
No. Do you?
No, but it's none of my
business, so there you go.
Thing is...
..I said yes.
OK.
It was...
Well, it was awkward.
I couldn't say no.
I should've done, but I didn't.
And I couldn't say,
"Can I think about it?"
because that sounds like no.
And you see...
..she's...
It's her health, her mental health,
it's so delicate,
so fragile, and I don't want her
to fall off the wagon again.
I just...
..don't want to marry her.
Well, no. No. No!
So this person you're seeing,
this head of English,
is she...? Is that...?
Are you...?
Er, no. No. No, she's...
We're just, um...
Yeah.
I mean, she's...she's... Yeah.
But no. It's not... She's not...
I wish I was still married to
you. There! I've said it.
It's out there.
Hmm.
Caroline?
Jesus Christ!
I know! I know, I know, I get that
completely,
but, look, I don't think you can
be completely gay
because we had such a good life
together. We get each other.
We're on the same wavelength.
Everyone else I know is...
John... ..so shallow and
empty and dull...
John! ..compared to you!
John, I'm going to have to go.
Why? No, don't.
I-I-I talk too much, I know.
I'm sorry. I...
What did you just say?
When?
Then, just then, all that.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Well, I...
Can I ring you back?
Yes! Yes, sure. When?
It might not be today.
CALL ENDS
Well, that went well.
Caroline's here.
Why's your mum so weird
about the barn?
She should be laughing her
socks off, and look at her.
Oh...
It's cos it's where me dad
killed himself.
Oh, God.
I... I didn't know
that's where it was.
Sorry.
Oh...
Is it real?
People are going to come
gawping, aren't they?
They're going
to come poking about.
It's going to be on
the f-f...news,
I mean, whether it's real or
not. And what does it even mean?
Giraffe?
Giraffe!
On a barn. On a farm?
What? What?
Oh, it'll be a metaphor.
For what?
Well, it's something about the
industrialisation of farm animals
or...or...in the modern world,
or the exploitation of...
I'm organic! Nearly.
I'm nice! My sheep are happy!
Ask them!
I'm not exploiting anybody!
I ought to be ringing 99 f-f...9!
It's not personal.
It can't be, can it? It's just...
Yeah, well, do some research!
This is vandalism!
Fucking painters!
Well, David Hockney will be
at it next. Gauguin, one o' them.
Cannelloni!
He can come and have a go.
Canaletto.
Any of 'em. Twats.
They need to leave people alone.
Look, it's not... It's not, um...
I hate that barn! I know.
It's alive - that barn
has a mind of its own.
I've told you before. No.
It doesn't, Gillian. He's in there.
Eddie, not Banksy.
He's in there.
Look, this could be a blessing.
I know it's weird, but it could be
worth a lot of money.
This could pay for your woodworm
and your roof timbers.
Nothing good will ever come
out of that barn, Caroline.
Oh, you don't know that.
This could be a turning point.
Listen, I can't stay,
I've got to start cooking.
Oh, God, you've got
your girlfriend coming.
You've got to calm down.
I know it stirs things up,
I know it does your head in,
but...
..she's not my girlfriend.
Flora! Come on!
Bye. See you tomorrow!
I'm at the end of the phone.
OK? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How did they get up there?
Bye. See you, Auntie Gillian.
Yeah.
Yo.
Lawrence! Is your m...?
Hi, Angus.
Is your mother see...?
Ooh, Popular!
Can you lend me 30 squids?
No, sorry. It's for petrol, please.
Not got any cash on me, sorry.
Sorry, just out of interest,
is your mother seeing someone?
No. Not that I know of.
And anyway, what if she was?
TV ON
HE SNORES
I was beginning to wonder
where the hell you'd got to!
Well, yeah, he wanted a pint,
and some Bovril, so...
HE CHUCKLES
You have got a mobile phone.
Yes. I never think.
Have you learnt anything?
Hmm? Cos I have.
They're nurses, them two.
So, not as daft as they look.
Nurses? On holiday.
They've taken three months
off to travel.
And they did just bump into
him in Hong Kong,
but then they were having
to look after him.
They reckon he'd been in a pickle
trying to fathom Hong Kong on his
own.
Anyway, I've said
they can stop a few nights,
because they've obviously
been very kind to him.
But that's it. Then we've got Martin
starting on the kitchen next week.
And I can't be doing
with a houseful.
Well, he says
he's not going back. Eh?
Yeah, he says he's stopping.
Where? Here. Here?
Well, I assume he's going to
buy himself a little house.
If it's going to be
a permanent arrangement.
I mean, he can't be short,
spending £85 on a bottle of
champagne.
And where is he going to be
stopping
until he buys this little
house? Here?
He sounds as if he's fallen out
with Nadine and everybody,
cos they were tapping money off
him - trying to -
after he'd sold his house.
Well, where was he living
after he sold his house?
With her.
For a bit. Then I think he went
to their Simon
for a month or two,
and then to one of the others.
And then he rented a little flat.
Rented? Why didn't he buy a
house there? I don't know.
He'll not want to be stopping here
for any length of time, surely.
He's been over there too long,
surely.
I mean, his life's there,
not here.
He seems quite adamant.
He'll be thinking
that the grass is greener.
Well, I think he'll be
disillusioned.
He's brought Alice's ashes
back with him.
Cor, she's been dead ten years.
Has he not scattered 'em
before now?
He says she always wanted to come
back here, so he's brought her.
He says he was born here,
and he'll die here.
And then he wants him and
her to be buried together -
their remains - up Blackley
with me mum and dad,
and her mum and dad,
and her sister.
Oh, and, erm...
What?
I know it's a sensitive subject.
But I've been offered that job.
I start on Monday.
I'm saying nothing.
CUTLERY RATTLES
KNOCK ON DOOR, DOG BARKS
Ooh! It's the Mothership. I didn't
know you were coming!
Yeah, cos I didn't ring an' tell
you, that's why.
Love, light and peace.
What's the matter with your
eye? Erm...
We were drunk.
Mm. Right, well, I've got someone
coming round for dinner.
Smells good.
Yeah, but the thing is, they'll be
here any minute, so...
Oh, don't worry.
We're off over to Gillian's.
We've got all the camping stuff.
Just thought we'd come and say
howdy.
Oh, well, that's very nice.
And can you lend me 30 quid?
No, I can't. I've got no cash on
me. You people are useless.
Hey! Hey, it's the little weirdo
from the planet Zog.
Have you come to read to me? No.
Aw. I like it when you read to me.
It's funnier than when
Mummy does it. Ah!
Er, Ruth's here.
What's he done to his face?
So, Ruth's here now.
So, Angus got in a fight
with an orangutan.
He didn't! Gillian's got a
giraffe! A what?
A real one? Has she?
Hi! Hi!
Come in!
Hi. Hi.
Bye.
Oh, sure.
So this is Lawrence,
my, erm, my...
Well, he was my youngest
until Flora came along.
And then I've got another one
in London. That's William.
He works for a publisher,
he's 24.
Nice.
Judith's publisher, in fact.
And this is Ruth.
And this is Angus. He's...
..got a black eye.
And now they're off camping!
See ya, boss.
Bye.
Bye, Mum. Bye.
Bye. Bye, weirdo.
Can I come?
No. A real giraffe?
No, you'll see when you get
there. Have fun!
And don't irritate Gillian!
She's...not very happy about
the giraffe.
Seriously, someone has a real...?
No, no, no, it's...
Actually, it's probably
not a Banksy.
It's a painting, a mural that's
appeared on her barn wall.
Wow.
Won't be a real one. OK.
Although it does look like one.
These are for you.
Ah.
Thank you. Pleasure.
So this is Flora?
DOG WHIMPERS
But who's this?
Ah, so that's...
Ruth. Yes, that's...
The dog's called Ruth, Ruth.
Ruth?
Sorry, I can explain.
No.
Erm...
Listen, is it all right
if I leave my car here tonight
and get a taxi home and then come
and pick it up tomorrow morning?
It's just then I can have
a couple of glasses of wine
and not worry about it.
Er, yeah, course!
You can stay over, if you like.
We've, erm...
..plenty of room.
Mm. Laura looked up
some wedding venues online.
I mean, we could really go for
it if we wanted to.
We could really push
the boat out.
But I don't know that I wouldn't
like to just get married
in some charmless, nondescript,
threadbare little registry office.
Yes...
Yes. Sure.
Sure.
It isn't like we've got millions of
people to invite, is it?
PHONE BEEPS
What's that?
Oh.
Lawrence.
I just think something small
and discreet
and a bit shit is just...
..more us.
Don't you?
Yeah.
And this is LAADS riding through the
West Riding of Yorkshire,
trying to find Granny's
little gaff.
And what does Riding mean, Angus?
Will you get that out of my
face when I'm concentrating?
Can you drive properly?
This is properly.
Yeah, I need smooth. Whoa!
You nearly went into the
signpost, you fuckin' idiot!
Well, stop being a tit.
You're a tit. You're a tit.
Which one is it?
Which one is what?
House! Which house?
I don't know. It's the one
with their car on the drive,
I guess. Tell everyone
what Riding means, Angus.
A third. It means a third.
North, East, West.
No South.
Can you do it like you care?
I don't care. It's not funny.
Well, make it funny!
It's not funny, it's not
interesting.
West Riding.
The West Riding of Yorkshire.
Oooh, it's this one!
TYRES SQUEAL
Mind the Lexus!
Did you get that,
did you film that?
That was good.
Piss.
CELIA: £30? Course you can,
chicken.
Where have I put my purse?
Well, where are you going
camping, lads?
BOTH: Gillian's.
Ah!
There we are. Is that enough?
Would you like a bit more?
No, Gran.
No, go on, then, just....
How big's your tint?
Oh, our tent! Our tent is,
erm...
Big.
It's big.
My stars! Look at that!
What?
Is that a what's-it?
A what?
A thingy! That bloke.
Oh, my God! What? What are you
looking at?
Holy mole shit! This is one for
Instagram.
BRAKES ENGAGE
MIA AND ALYSSA SCREAM
Eyes on the road!
MIA AND ALYSSA LAUGH
CAMERA CLICKS
And they were both 75?
They hadn't seen each other
for nearly 60 years.
It was very romantic.
Oh, there's hope for us all.
Except the reality,
when you haven't seen
anyone for that long,
is that you don't really know
them. And what's become apparent
is that they have very different
views on things
sometimes and...
Oh, I don't know.
It was kind of funny to start
with, him with his Guardian
and her with her Daily Mail.
Can I...?
Oh, sure, I'll get another one.
It's like this morning.
So my mother is worried
that he's fed up with her.
And I'm all,
"Oh, Alan? Surely not!"
Because we've all bought into
how marvellous it all is
that two elderly people can fall in
love again after all this time,
and yet the reality, seven
years on, is that...
Well, for instance,
he can't understand why anyone
would want to spend £20,000 on
a new kitchen.
And she can't understand
why anyone would want to
spend anything less.
Would you like to sit somewhere
more comfortable?
Sure.
But he goes along with it,
kind of because he has to,
because - let's not mince words -
she is a force to be reckoned
with, my mother.
But sometimes I look at him,
and he just looks...
..bewildered
and, erm...
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe sometimes he is fed
up of her.
It'll be jet lag.
Don't you think we should
wake him up
so he can get into bed?
I don't know -
he looks very comfortable.
Does he know where his
bedroom is?
Well, I showed him. Earlier.
I don't want him waking in the
night, wondering where he is.
Especially if he needs the
bathroom.
Does he know where the bathroom is?
Yes. He went.
When you both finally
decided to show up.
I've explained why we were late.
Give him a nudge.
Ted? Mm?
Ted?
Ted! Oh, leave him.
Let's leave the side light on.
He'll be all right.
I wonder where Alice's ashes are.
Well, they'll be somewhere.
No shit, Sherlock.
Well, I imagine
they're in one of his suitcases.
Should we get her out,
do you think?
Put her somewhere...
More dignified?
Less cramped.
I don't know, I don't want
to be going through his stuff.
Here, shall I put this blanket
over him?
You can do.
Eh, Ted.
What have you been up to
this time, old lad?
Are you all right?
Alan?
Yeah.
Just remembering things.
What things?
Shall we get into bed?
Hmm.
He never wanted to go
to New Zealand in first place.
It were my mother and dad...
made him go.
Why?
Well, she was pregnant. Alice.
They'd only been together
five minutes.
My mother and dad were livid.
And her mother and dad!
They wouldn't speak to her. They
wouldn't have her in the house.
You're joking.
Well, they thought
they were a bit of summat...
..up at church.
So...
Oh, hell.
I remember me dad and Ted
having a fight.
A proper set-to -
shouting, me mother crying...
It was when the government were
advertising for people to emigrate.
They were desperate for people
to go over and build houses
and dams and roads
and all sorts.
There were a lot of incentives for
anybody that was short of work.
I remember.
Or...
..needed to get away.
So they got wed and off they went.
They made the most of it,
but he'd not have gone
through choice.
And I think he felt
like they'd been banished.
And it wasn't fair.
They thought the world of
each other,
and they shouldn't have been
made to feel like that.
I never realised.
When we visited him,
he's never said anything.
Well, like I say,
I kind of forgot about it myself.
But you get on with life, don't
you? Put a different spin on it,
for your own sake.
And then that becomes the truth.
But it was when he said that he'd
brought her ashes with him...
..it all came back to me.
And it saddened me,
the idea that all this time
they never stopped wanting to
come back. And now they have.
Only it's too late.
She's dead, and he's...
I do think he is losing it a bit.
Oh, Alan.
I'll have to help him.
Shan't I? Whatever's gone on.
He's the only brother
I'll ever have.
HE SIGHS
No way!
Yes! No...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
So I could say, "Judith,
"tell us about the time you trashed
Caroline's kitchen
"and then puked up behind
the stairs"?
Yes, you could!
SHE SIGHS
It's possibly not a suitable
anecdote
for her adoring
adolescent acolytes,
but, wahey, who cares?
Oh, God, and then the first
time I met her.
Well, she fell over -
she was pissed - on some glass, and
she slit an artery in her wrist,
and I ended up in casualty with her.
And it was my birthday!
And it was her glass!
It was her bottle of wine
that she'd dropped!
Oh, dear.
Oh, she's a pisshead.
I am glad you're telling me this.
Cos it's making me realise
that she's just...
..a bit rubbish.
Like the rest of us.
Yes, well...
Yeah, she is.
It'll mean I'm not mumbling
incoherently when I interview her.
Right... How far have we got?
Oh, fuck, I can't focus any
more. I'm too pissed.
Well, we can... We'll pick it up
in the morning. It's fine.
You'll be fine,
you've got loads.
God.
BOTH SIGH
Are you all right?
Yeah.
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, God, it is just so nice...
..not being in that house
with him.
Is it?
Yeah.
Mm.
Wow.
I'm going to be nosey.
Mm?
How does Flora fit into...?
Because she's not John's.
No. Oh, God, no.
So you had a fling with...?
Well, no. No, I didn't.
Erm... No. Flora's, erm...
Well, I kind of did.
So after John went off with
her, I, erm...
SHE SIGHS
I got married again.
OK.
To who?
To Kate.
And, er...
That's Kate.
There.
And...
..Kate wanted a baby, so...
We got pregnant.
Well, she did.
And then she was knocked
down...
..and killed.
She was pregnant -
eight and a half months.
They managed to save Flora,
but not her.
It happened the day after we
got married.
We got married on the Saturday.
That happened on the Sunday.
No...
Five years ago.
So you're...?
I didn't realise that you were...
Bereaved?
Gay.
Oh.
Oh, well, no!
Neither did I, but, er...
Well, I did.
I didn't advertise it,
particularly, but I've never...
..hidden it either. If I was with
someone, it would be more obvious,
but I'm not now, so...
Sorry, I thought you...
..did know.
Wow. Gosh.
That is a tragic thing
to have happened.
Mm.
I'm sorry.
Listen, I'm not feeling too good.
OK.
I think I've drunk too much.
I...I have drunk too much.
I might go to bed.
Sure.
It's, erm...
It's just at the top of the
stairs, far end.
Would you like some water? No.
Actually, why don't I ring
for a taxi?
Oh, you don't have to.
No, but...
Saturday night, you'd be lucky to
get one if you...
Well, if it hasn't been
booked. I had no idea.
Is it a problem?
No! God, no.
Why would it be?
No, just...
I just thought you knew.
No.
It's not why I invited you
here. Is that why you thought
I wanted to come here?
You thought that I'm...?
No!
No!
Why don't I make us some coffee?
Yeah.
RAIN DRIPS
THUNDER RUMBLES
Bastard.
GUNSHOT, ALL GASP
What was that?
Some dumb bastard shooting.
Morning. What you doing?
Foxes.
Pestering sheep.
Sleep OK?
MIA AND ALYSSA: No.
There's coffee and bacon on the go
in the kitchen if you're hungry.
Right.
BANGING
DOG WHIMPERS
DOG BARKS
SHE GROANS
DOOR CLOSES
Shit.
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Ted?
Would you like a cup of tea?
Where is he?
Who?
Is he outside?
Who? Ted!
I've no idea.
Did you open these doors?
No.
Where is he?
Where the hell is he?
Ted!
Ted!
THUNDER CRASHES, CELIA GASPS
Make it a fiver, and I'll make
sure nobody touches your car.
And I know you'd be upset
if it got scratched.
Well, ring the police.
Obviously, that's exactly
what needs to happen next.
You're 50-odd. I'm 38.
Look at yourself.
JOHN: Don't humiliate Caroline.
JUDITH: Don't tell me
how to behave.
When I saw John today, I realised
that I almost miss him.
Hello.
Fuck off! Sheep farming...
Just...don't...