Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Where would you like to get wed,
you can get wed anywhere now.

We got shut in. We're not burglars,
we're pensioners.

Where the hell are they?

Whatever has happened, he'll be
looking after her. I know that.

Do you think they're dead?

You couldn't lend me some money,
could you?

Two months rent, that's it now.

Gillian, they're fine. They've been
playing cards and eating chocolate.

Dozy...!

Do you seriously think I haven't
slept with other people?

What are you doing with that
dipstick? We make an all right team,



you, me and Raff, couldn't we?

I'm seeing someone. I don't know if
it's what I want entirely yet.

Someone at work?
I won't know if I don't try.

Who is it then?
No-one. Why is it a secret?

WHISTLE BLOWS AND CHILDREN SHOUT

Kate, hello.

Are you teaching?

Good.

Could you come to my office?

Yes, now, would you mind?

Caroline! We weren't expecting you.

How's your mum?

Fine. Yes.

Is she traumatised?



Um...

..don't know.

I, um...I don't think so. I was,

I feel all, um...

something else now.

Exhilarated.

Shock, possibly.

Can I get you some tea?
I think Alison's just made a pot.

Oh, has she? Oh, good. Um, yes.
Thank you.

What?

Oh... Oh...

I, um...told John.

About us?
God, it felt good.

Better, um...tuck that back in.

Beverley'll be in any minute
with the tea.

Oh, good.

Caroline...do you...

do you want to come round tonight?

Yup.

So presumably your mum...

Turned up, she's fine.
You all right?

I was awake all night, came home,
went to bed, couldn't sleep,

so I think I'm a bit, um...wired?

Is that a word? It's...

Yes, it's a very good word.

You're very pretty.

Am I? Mmm.

You're magnificent.

SHE SIGHS

SHE WHISPERS

Wouldn't that be
technically difficult?

Sure we'll think of something.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Tea! Ah! Thank you.

Kate, can I get you one?
I should have asked.

No. Thanks, I'm...

I rearranged your meeting
with the chairman of the board
of governors at two.

Should I see
if he's still able to make it?

Um...

yup, if he's, um...still available.

Have you had any lunch?

Nope. Can I get you some?

No. Well, maybe, in a bit.

CRIES

You really all right?

Caroline.

I thought she was dead last night.

I thought they both were.

And there was this one moment
when I thought...

that's it.

And I couldn't stand it because I
thought, "How unfair would that be,

"to have met this one person again
after all these years,
and then died."

I'm sitting on the floor
in my own office.

Yeah, I'd spotted that.

It's the relief, is it?

Do you think maybe
you should be at home after all?

No.

I'll see Gavin at two
and then I might as well wait
till quarter past three.

Will you be at home by four o'clock?

I can be.

We escaped.

We did!

We keep having adventures.

We do!

I didn't have much in the way
of adventures until I met you.

Eh, eh, eh! You needn't look at me.

It's you that gets us
into these shenanigans. Hardly!

Well, it were your idea,
going up Southowram. Was it?

You...

Oh. OK.
HE SNIGGERS

It's odd. Weren't it? That...well,
whatever it were last night.

There were a distinct presence,
weren't there?

I just can't shake it off.

Well, we're here now.

Aren't we?

Back in the land of the living. So...

You know...

I told you about when Eddie died?

Yeah.

How he killed himself? Yeah.

Well, there were a bit more to it
than I'd said, and...

I think it's summat I ought
to tell you about.

Before we get wed.

What?
DOOR OPENS

Unh! Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, hell's bells.

Who is he when he's at home?

Ouch! Do you know him?

Yes.
Are you going to introduce us?

Right, well, that is Paul.

Hello, Mr Buttershaw.

This is Celia.

You all right, love?

You've been in the wars. Yeah.

Oh!

Tell me about it.

Paul? Gi... Oh.

Ah. Is it all right if I put
t'kettle on, Mr Buttershaw?

Only I'm supposed to keep me fluids
up and I think Gillian's forgot.

KNOCKING

See, somebody at the door now.
What were you going to tell me?

I'll... Later.

Ah...

Oh! Ah.

Do you need a hand up?

Hey! You're not dead, then.
How's Celia?

Is it Tuesday?

I'm in a pub.

I'm having trouble
with the reception.

We're in a bit of a dip,

can you hear me?
Loud and clear.

He goes out for a bit of lunch
every Tuesday with his pals.

And they've asked me along.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Anyway, the reason I'm ringing
is because I've decided

to stop a few days
while we sort out the wedding.

Only the thing is, I've not got
a clean change of underwear.

OK, so...? So you couldn't
pop over, could you?

With some...

with some knickers and a...and
a nightie, and me toothbrush?

Like a little overnight bag,
sort of business.

Well, Mum, I would,
but I've got a school to run.

You've not gone to work?!

You've been up all night!

Could you get Alan
to pop into Halifax with you?

They'll have an M&S, surely, or...

Oh, right. Don't worry about me!

Well, I would, but...
Hmm. I get the picture.

Can I ring you later?
If you've time.

Is that OK? It'll have to be.

So I'll ring you later.

I could have caught
a chill last night.

I could have caught pneumonia.

Yes, but you didn't.

All the same, I should be taking it
steady, not traipsing into Halifax.

You're in a pub.

What do you want for your birthday?
Can I ring you later?

Only I never know what to get you.

Yes, can I ring you later?

If I don't get you anything,
you'll say I'm being off with you.

Mum... How old are you this time?

Mum! I'm in a meeting.
Who are you in a meeting with?

The chairman of the
board of governors.

Oh, that smarmy beggar.
Well, you can tell him to eff off.

From me. Right.

I'll ring you later.

Yeah, don't knock yourself out.

I will ring you. Later. Hmm.

Think what you want
for your birthday.

Get me something from Marks's
when you go buying your necessaries.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

She sends her regards.

Do you want a straw, love?
Actually...

How much?

He's asking 4,000. He'll take less.
Well, what condition's it in?

Oh, you'd have to take it
for a test drive.

Well, I can't imagine her getting
more than a few thousand off
insurance.

If that.
Still, it's her birthday tomorrow.

Gillian's? Is it?

So I'm thinking, happen I could
make up the difference for her.

How old is she?

Um...40-summat.

You want me to ring up, see if he's
around this aff so you can have a go
with it?

Yeah, sure. Why not? I'll pop
outside, see if I can get a signal.

Right.

Now, Alan, have you
thought about a best man?

No, not yet, not really.

You see, I'm used to a certain
degree of public speaking.

Having been on t'council
all them years. Of course.

And I can be very amusing,
of course.

I was often complimented on
my humorous turn of phrase and wit

and illuminating insights.

Yeah, yeah.

Then there's the, um, other aspect.

Is there? Which?

Not losing the ring.

Turning up on time.

Sober. All that side.

Yeah, well... Obviously.

Shall I break it to him, then?
Or will you?

Sorry? Harry.

Oh! What have I missed?

POSH ACCENT: We've bought you
a medium-dry white wine, Celia.

Oh! That's lovely, thank you.

Harry's lad's friend's
selling a Land Rover.

I thought we could pop up
and have a look at it

for our Gillian this after.
Oh, very good.

I hope you're not taking painkillers
and drinking alcohol.

Can you fetch us a straw, love?

Don't mention owt to Harry yet.

Let me deal with that side
of things. OK.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?!

PHONE RINGS
AND MOBILE PHONE RINGS

ECHOES: Hello?

Oh, that's...useful. Well done, Dad.

BELL RINGS

Sorry. Caroline, it's Gillian.

I'm sorry to be ringing you,
only... How are you?

You haven't... They've...

They're not... They're not here.

I mean, they were here and now
they're not. You haven't...seen them,
have you?

They were in a pub. Sorry?

My mother rang, about an hour ago.
They were in a pub with some friends
of Alan's.

SIGHS

Pillock! Yeah, it's Tuesday.

I, um, panicked.

I've been out working all morning
and then when I came in
and they weren't here

and the car gone...

You all right?

I just...

Gillian? It's brought it home to me.

Last night.

I don't think I could stand it
if I lost him.

Not just yet.

Especially not since he's met
your mum again, he's been so happy.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Perhaps you should give me
your mum's mobile number.

For future reference.
I've got a feeling...

I'm going to need it if they're
going to carry on like this.
Sure.

Which I get the idea they are.

Oh, um...

you couldn't do me a favour,
Gillian, could you?

CAR ENGINE HUMS
AND MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello.

SHOUTING OVER CAR ENGINE
It's Gillian!

Hello, love!

You don't know what's happened
to Paul, do you?

The fella that was... Paul?

Yes, he's here, he's with us.

He was going stir crazy at home.

Were you wanting to speak to him?

No!

Where are you?

I'm...I'm not entirely sure.

Where are we, Alan?

Up Soyland.

ALL: We're up Soyland!

We're up Soyland!

Right. OK.

Can you tell my dad... Are Harry
and Maurice with you?

Yes. Yes, they are, love.

Right, can you tell my dad
to tell Harry and Maurice

to take Paul home to his mother's?
They know where he lives.

And to leave him there, right?

And not to bring him back to ours.

Yes!

Yes, I can do that.

Fabulous! Oh!

And, Celia! Yes, love.

Knickers.

Um...

I've spoken to Caroline.

I'm going into Halifax,
what sort do you want?

Well, um...

And what size?

I'm struggling to hear you,

I think the signal's going.

Hello? I think we're stuck.

I'm going to have to go.
We'll be fine.

Now, I'm hanging up now.
Hello?

What's that smell?

That smell, I'm afraid to say...

It's like tomatoes.

It's like metal tomatoes.

That smell is the smell
of a buggered clutch, Alan.

Oh, aye, did I not say?
Lad said it'd need a new clutch.

We can pop to McNally's scrap yard
and get a re-whatsited one for about
70 quid.

Other than that, I'd say it's in
damn near pretty perfect condition.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Hi.

SIGHS

PHONE RINGS
Shit.

Oh.

Hello?

Right, so...the thing is, what
size knickers does your mum wear?

Only when I rang her
she couldn't tell me herself

cos she was embarrassed cos
me dad and Harry and Maurice
were there with her

so... Oh, I...I...I...

I don't really...
Cou...cou...you, um...

um... Why don't I just...?

(Who is it?)
It's Gillian.

..just buy a few different sorts
and a few different sizes?

What does she want? She wants
to know what size knickers
my mother wears.

And then any that aren't suitable
I can just take back.

They'll be fine with that,
won't they?

Yeah! If they're unopened.

Y...yeah. Yeah, course they will.

Good idea.

OK, sorry to bother you.

No problem.

Thank you. Ta-ra.

I owe you one.

Bye. Bye.

What?

What's wrong with that?

100.

No...

Will you take 75?

Ah, go on.

I've been meaning to say, Alan,
regarding t'wedding...

..you'll want a best man
that people like, won't you?

You won't want somebody
who'll drone on,

talk about himself

ad infinitum for 40 minutes.

Cos you know that's what'll happen.

Whereas, thing is...

..I've never been a best man.

And, um, it's summat
I'd like to do...

once, before I die.

Well, I'll, um...

Yeah, yeah. I'll...

Smashing.

Shall I tell him? Or will you?

Yeah, I'll... Yeah, leave it to me.

So what are you going to do?
Well, I don't know.

Can you have two best men?

No. It'd look daft.

Well, I'll have
to worry about that tomorrow.

Like Scarlett O'Hara.

Are you suited with it?

Oh, I think so.

We'll shut it in here,
she'll have a surprise in t'morning.

What were you going
to tell me earlier?

When that lad fell down the stairs.

Oh.

Yeah.

Let's put t'kettle on, eh?

It may sound summat and nowt
when I say it, but...

They'd been arguing,
this is what Gillian told me after.

He'd been drinking, Eddie had.

Threatening to...kill himself.

Then she found him,
he were in t'barn,

he'd smashed his head open
with t'log splitter.

But the thing is...

when she found him, he weren't dead.

And not only that...

He were still conscious.

Then I got here about, ooh...an hour
after it had happened, and...

..she'd called police by that
stage, by that stage he were dead.

She told me...

..she just stood there...

..and watched him slip away.

Right in front of her.

Rather than get help.

So that's why...

Anyway.

Why what?

Robbie.

The others thought
summat untoward had gone on.

That...she had killed him,

which were nonsense, she didn't.

But she didn't call
an ambulance either.

She told me what she'd done
as soon as I got here,

which I suppose makes me
complicit in it.

I don't blame her.

Not for a second.

He made her life a misery
and there were no way under t'sun

I were going to shop her
to the police.

So, I wanted you to know
that I did that,

because, strictly speaking,
it weren't right. But...

Anyway, that's it.

Are you shocked?

No.

Are you disappointed?

No.

No.

I told you about Kenneth, what
I'd have done given half a chance.

You thought about it, we did it.

You didn't.

I covered it up.

Don't tell Gillian I've told you.
No, I won't.

Ever. Promise me. I promise.

And I keep my promises.

It sort of bought it back
last night.

There's always been
a funny feeling in that barn since.

I do sometimes wonder
if he's still in there.

Let it go.

I'm glad you've told me,
but now let it go.

You don't think less of me?

No, never.

I love you.

I love you.

Sorry.

We've gone all miserable.

We don't want that, do we? No.

We need to be laughing, you and me!

Hey.

Do you remember all that jiving
we used to do?

Oh, gosh.

Do I remember?!

DISTANT MUSIC: "Tutti Frutti"
by Little Richard

Oh, no!
No, don't mind me.

We were just... Good!

...reminiscing.
You should reminisce more often!

Oh heck, now you'll be
telling everybody.

Smashing photos.

I'm texting 'em to Caroline.

Did you get rid of him?
Hey? Paul.

Oh, yes. Well, yes.

Harry took him in his Mondeo.

Good job well done.

Celia?

Knickers.

Owt that doesn't fit or isn't right
we'll take back.

Oh, thanks. How much do I owe you?

There's a receipt in there
somewhere.

And, I rung Robbie.
Him and Raff are coming round
for supper.

Robbie?!

Yeah, tonight.

Raff's bringing his stuff back.

He's moving back in.

So,

I bought a chicken
and a couple of bottles of wine.

Ooh! We're celebrating.
What are we celebrating?

Everything, anything.
You name it, we'll celebrate it.

Well, I'll just go upstairs
and sort myself out.

Do you know where you're going?
Yes, thanks, love.

Robbie was really on it last night,
Dad.

He really bothered,
really surprised me,

and he apologised for all the crap
and nonsense and rubbish.

I think he were genuine.

That bed'll need a clean sheet
and another duvet cover.

Oh, and Celia?

I got this for Caroline.

She said to get her something
from M&S for you to give to her
for her birthday.

She said it would be
a weight off your mind,

or her mind,
or one of your minds, yeah?

Thanks.

Don't worry, he's gone.

He better have.

Where have you been?

Work. Till this time?

Boys all right?

Where have you been?

Where haven't I been?

Just...tell me who it is.

No.

I won't get cross.
Ooh, lucky me(!)

Are you making it up?

How's Judith?

I finished with Judith. I don't want
to see her again as long as I live.

Is she pretty, Judith?
I've never asked you.

She's... No, actually,
she's rather ugly.

When you've seen her
fall down the stairs more than once

and wet herself vomiting, it's hard
to think of her as anything else.
Who is it?

There are other people,
more important people, who need
to know before you.

Why? Just say it.

Is it that unctuous git that's
chairman of your board of...?

Gavin!

Anyway, he's married, with children.

Do you think I'd do that?

I thought the idea was we were
going to try to make it work here,

for the boys.

Only as a practical arrangement
until they got off to university.

You must have known I was never
really going to get back into bed
with you.

So I'm just going to live here
while you sleep around?

I'm not going to sleep around,
but you could.

Actually, if I'm with someone else
and you're going to sleep around...

I don't want to sleep around.
..we might as well just call it
a day and get divorced.

You're not having the house.

I'm having the boys,
because I never walked out on them,

and no court in its right mind would
throw them out of the family home.

Caroline. Get yourself a good lawyer.
I intend to.

Caroline, I don't want
to get divorced.

Well, I'm sorry,
I've come full circle.

If I love and trust someone
enough to have sex with them

I don't want them relegated to the
Fourth Division, I want them here.

Where I can have them.

Any time I like.

Do you know what I realised
last night?

I've been depressed.

For months.

And last night I was so low

I hit rock bottom, and then...

..when my mum turned up I turned
a corner, something lifted,
it was physical.

This fog that's been there for
months, it vanished, just like that,

and everything became clear
and I felt...

..happy.

Like I can't remember feeling
for years.

You're not moving him in here.

It's not a he.

I suppose we might as well
get that out of the way.

I need to tell the boys,
and I need to tell my mother,

and until I've had the chance to do
that myself,

I'd appreciate you being discreet.

Whoever the hell else you choose to
tell is of course your business

but clearly we have
to address the possibility that

it might upset the boys initially,
until they get used to it.

So obviously if you need to take the
piss and make ridiculous comments

it'd be best if you did it straight
to my face and not in front of them.

But being a liberal-minded
intellectual,

I assume you won't need
to do that anyway.

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

You might need to think about it.

Hello?

I spent 45 quid. Is that all right?

Oh, that's brilliant.

I got a dressing-gown

for you, well,
for her to give to you.

It's just a white towel robe thing.

Perfect, that's perfect.

If you don't want it,
I'll have it. No!

It's spot-on, thank you.

If you give me your bank details
I'll transfer the cash.

I'll pay for her stuff as well.

Hey, that's cheating!

Is it 'eck!

When is it your birthday,
by the way, out of interest?

Just cos it's mine tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

You're kidding.

It's mine tomorrow.

How weird is that?!

How old are you?
How old are you?

46, I will be tomorrow.

That's...

Are you?

Yeah.

Oh, good Lord! That's a bit...

We're twins!

Well, we're something.

Are you winding me up?

No!

I had no idea.

Oh, he's got a good hand.

Ey! Oi! You're never going to
believe this - this is weird.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Are you sober?

Why?

It's funny, it sort of teases you
out of thought, doesn't it?

I mean, how t'heck
could that have happened?

I mean, you couldn't invent that,
could you?

You know I told you I used to think
about you, when I was with Kenneth?

And you said you used to think about
me, sometimes?

Yeah.

I wonder if we were thinking
about each other, that night.

The night, you know,
they were conceived.

I think it's just another sign.

That things were always meant to be,
don't you?

I'd better go back down,
help Gillian wi' t'washing up.

Or else I'll be in bother.

Oh...

Let's just have a few more minutes.

Thanks for bringing him back, Rob.

No problem.

You're all right.

When you're not being a twillock!

Yeah? Thanks, Gillian.

'Ey, and, you know...

..thanks.

For last night.

I'm glad we talked about stuff.

Are you doing owt?
Tomorrow, for your birthday?

Nah.

Do you fancy going out for a meal?

Or summat,

some time?

Yeah.

Why not?

Do you want to stay?

No. You can do.

As much as I'd like to,

ask me when you're less likely
to regret it the morning after.

I'm not pi...

I'm not that pissed.

HE SIGHS
Night, Gillian.

Coward.

Night night.

Night.

(Mum. Mum?)

Hello.

You should go to bed.

Hmm.

Oh...

Where's Dad?

Has he gone out? I don't know.

Why aren't you in bed?

Are you seeing someone?

How would you feel about it
if I was?

Fine.

If it's someone that deserves you.

OK.

Well then, yes I am.

Seeing someone.

Is it Kate McKenzie?

What...

..makes you think that?

Is it?

OK, well, if...

If it, if, if it, erm...

it was...

..what would, how would you...

She's nice! I like her.

She's clever,

she's interesting, she's kind.

How...

How did you know?

I saw you.

When you came in
to invigilate for my exam yesterday,

just the way you looked
at each other.

No-one else saw.

I won't embarrass you. I know.

This wouldn't have happened
if your dad... I don't care.

I want you to be happy.

Lawrence know?

No.

CLOCK CHIMES

Happy birthday.

GILLIAN: Right, this had better
be good.

Ready? Yep.

Steady? No!

Ta-da!

Dad!

It goes.

How much did you...

Nowt!

We found it.

It were free, at side of t'road.

Oh, you shouldn't have.
You're getting married.

You're going to need all the
money... Shut up.

Nice one, Grandad.

It's...

...beautiful. It's...

..got wheels and everything!

I said to t'fella, only the best,
it's for our Gillian.

You...

Dad!

Only thing is, the clutch has gone.

So I've bought a new one,

well, a re-whatsited one,
is on t'front seat.

So you'll...

Be having to put that in myself.

Well, you like mucking about
inside engines, don't you? So...

Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

Harry says otherwise
it were in perfect condition.

Harry? For its vintage.

SHE LAUGHS

You pillock!

Right, I'm off.
Happy birthday, Mother.

Oh!

See you, Gramps. Ta-ta, Celia.

Bye, love.
Hey, do you want a lift?

In this?

Not in that.

In that!

Yeah, me and Celia are going to
t'registry office in Halifax, so...

Are you?

Yeah, just to have a look.

Oh, well, yeah, yeah,
I mean, if you're going that way.

Out. Get off me, bitch!

I am not having him.

I am sick of him,

I am sick to the back teeth of him.

You are nothing but trouble.

Bloody nuisance, he is.

Yeah, well he's not
coming back 'ere!

Well, you should have thought
about that before you started
mucking about with him.

It's your fault he's in this mess.
Bitch! Liar!

I only got in t'car cos she said
she was taking me round me granny's.

You're not leaving him here!

Watch me. You're not!

ENGINE STARTS

I'll get t'keys for t'car.
Do you want to get in, Raffy?

Bitch!

Raff?

TYPING

She's not a lesbian.

Oh, OK. So what would you call it,
then?

If she's getting into bed
with another woman.

No, she's just not a lesbian.

Whatever it is she's doing
with this other woman, she's not...

She just doesn't look like a lesbian.

I know what lesbians look like.
We have them on campus.

They meet in Derwent Bar
on Monday nights.

God! Aren't you quaint?!
What decade do you live in?

Do you think she looks like...?
Oh, you've never seen her.

No, but I'm warming to her.

I wonder what it's like.

What?

To get hot and steamy
with another woman.

God, well,

I can't imagine it's...
Well, what is it? What do they do?

They haven't got anything
to do anything with, have they?

Are you being deliberately stupid?

No, course not, you're just
lashing out. Who wouldn't?

You've just found out that
the woman you've been married
to...for how long?

18 years.

18 years!

Has probably been faking it,
every single time.

No, no, she hasn't,
she wouldn't, she's not...

Well, either that
or every time you made her come

she was pretending that you were,
you know, a girl.

A girly, a girly-whirly!

No, no, no, that's...

We had... Me and Caroline
had fantastic...

You don't know what's
in people's heads.

You don't know what was in
my head when I shagged you.

Well, what is?
Well, I could be thinking all sorts.

Anything.

Yeah, well, what?

I'm not telling you!

I've been used.

No, you haven't.

Well, yeah, you have.

But hasn't everybody at some stage?

PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

It's her.

Oh, shall I answer it?

Yes?

Where are you?

Does it matter?
Where did you sleep last night?

It doesn't... I'm not...
It's none of your...

Have you moved out again
or something?

No! OK, well,

I'm planning to cook tonight for
my birthday for my, erm...friend.

And the boys.

I want to know if you'll be
in or out.

I don't know where I'll be.

OK. Well, if you're in,

given that it's where you live,

I'd, er...

I'd like you to join us.

Are you serious?

Yes, assuming
you'd only accept the invitation

if you were going to behave like an
adult in front of the children.

Piss off, you sanctimonious,
patronising mad bitch!

Problem? She's invited me
for dinner with her and her...

Oh, are you going?

No! Do you want to know
what she looks like?

No! I don't want to see that...

Hang on. What?

My God! It's that woman
she had in the garden

when she chucked
all that water over me.

Lawrence said she was a lesbian.

Go on, go and have dinner
with them. No!

Oh, OK.

Shame.

Cos, thing is, to be frank, John,

I don't want you here either.

I've started to realise
what a bad influence you are on me.

I'm still cross about the church.

Maybe if she'd accommodated us,

that vicar,
we'd have started going again.

I think she took
a very short-term view.

What about Southowram?

Well, they did offer.

I thought you said wild horses
wouldn't drag you back there.

Yes, I know I did,
but if it's the only place...

No, it's no good then, is it?

They have a lovely chapel
at Caroline's school.

I went there once to
a little concert she'd organised.

Do they not hire it out
for weddings?

Who?

The school!

Would you want
to get wed in Harrogate?

I don't mind where we get wed,
as long as it's what you want.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Gillian, hello, it's John.

Elliott.

Caroline's... Oh, hello.

Who is it?
I'm sorry I'm ringing you.

I...

What's happening? Anything?

I was just wondering...
The thing is...

Oh, dear.

Are you all right?

I'm not entirely certain
why I'm ringing you. Just...

Has something happened?

You gave me such good advice that
time, you know, when Caroline

drove off without me and...

What's up?

Can I come over?

If you like.

Would you mind?

No, course not. What's it...

What's it to do with?

It's, it's...

Just say it.

Caroline.

Caroline?

Is she all right?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Come in.

Hello, William.

Hi.

For you.

Happy birthday!

William, can you take
Kate's coat, please?

Dinner's going to be
another 40 minutes, sorry.

It's fine, I'll help you.

Thanks, William.

Or would you like to play
Scrabble while Mum's cooking,
if you like, or...?

God, haven't played
Scrabble in years.

I'll see if Lawrence wants to.
He can't spell,
but it's good for him.

I told him. He knows.

He's been brilliant about it.

I've not told Lawrence. I'm just
waiting for the right kind of...

Yeah. ...moment.

OK.

Are you going to stay tonight?

Sure.

Is John not...?
Oh, I haven't a clue where John is.

TV: CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY SIGH

Do you know, my feet!

Mm, yeah, but
we're making progress now.

We still don't know
where we're living!

Well, we could spend
a few weeks here and then
a few weeks over in Harrogate.

We could alternate at intervals.

That way, they can all get
equally sick of us.

Yeah, and we can get
equally sick of them!

Oh, I'm not sure about
this hat now I've bought it.

Well, buy another one.
You've got three weeks.

Yeah. Bugger the expense.

Buy the cat a goldfish.

Celia?

What, my love?

What I told you yesterday...

What about it?

Well, it were manslaughter.

I don't know if I made that clear.

Even though he'd tried to take
his own life, she could've still...

Alan?

It's forgotten.

Well, I just want to know that...

you realise...

Listen, one of the great things
about getting older -

I don't know if you feel the same -

is that very little shocks
you any more.

And that certainly doesn't.

You know that.

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

Have you got my perfume?

Celia!
We've shopped till we've dropped!

John's here.

Er, he's been here all afternoon.

And, erm...
he's had a bit to drink.

What?
And he's being a bit...emotional.

Why, what's happened?

OK, erm, well...

erm, Caroline, um...

Is she all right?

She's fine. She's...

She's... She's... She's... She's...

Has she been in an accident?

No! No, no, no, no.
She was all right at lunchtime

when we spoke to her about the
chapel. No, she's fine.

She's fine.
It's nothing to do with that.

Right. Is that Celia?

Yeah, sounds like it. Listen, pal,
why don't you let Gillian...

Oi! Celia!

He...

She, er...

Oh, John ought to tell you himself,
really. Well, no, Caroline.

CONVERSATION CONTINUES IN DISTANCE

The thing is, John's had
a bit to drink, and he's...

Celia! Oh, God.

What's happened?!
Nothing's happened.

What are you doing here?

Came to see Gillian.

How much have you had to drink?

Loads.
Has something happened with Caroline?

Well, yeah, you could
kind of say that.

No, it's... John, you're very drunk.
Just bear that in mind

before you say anything else.

Can someone kindly tell Celia
what's going on?

Did you know that
Caroline's a lesbian?

What's he talking about?

Did you know that? Did you know that
I've been married to this woman?

And you wonder why I had an affair?
This woman,

who for 19 years

has been either faking it or...

Shut up.

Gillian, shut him up.

What a bloody silly thing to say.

Do you know how that makes me feel?

Your ridiculous bloody daughter...
Hey, that's enough
of that sort of talk.

What's he doing here, anyway?
Why's he here upsetting people?

Alan! John,
you're upsetting her. I don't care!

Well, I do. Come on, let's take it
outside. Get your hands off me!

I want you to calm down.

That's wicked, coming out
with something like that.

And who've you been telling it to?

I'm saying it cos it's true,

cos she's been having it off
with another woman!

Get him out of the way.
Come on, outside.

What are you doing? Get outside!

What woman?

Come... Come and sit down.
I'll make you some tea.

I don't want any tea!

I want to go home.

At school? In the chapel.

Then we'll move on to somewhere else
for the reception.

I'm checking out a few
possible venues for them.

It'll be fantastic.
It'll be gorgeous.

It'll be just what she wants.
It's so amazing. Your mum!

I know! I know, it's perfect.

It's wonderful.

It's what she deserves.

Even if she's had to wait
all this time to get it.

Can I get drunk? No.

DOORBELL RINGS

SLURRED: Oh! Hello!

Er...

can I help you?

Sorry, I dropped a bottle of wine.

Just now. It was...

meant to be a present.

Are you...Caroline?

I was looking for John. Is he in?

Judith?

Yeah.

No, he's not in.
I don't know where he is.

Oh. Right.

I think I've upset him.

I wanted to apologise to him.

But I guess that
you're here now, so...

Have you seen him?

This morning. But, you know,
it's over.

It's good.

Even so, I don't want to hurt him.

And hey, listen, it's great!

I'm really cool with it. Well done.

Sorry?

I used to have

this horrendous crush
on one of my dad's girlfriends.

So, you know, I'm right there
with you.

What are you talking about?

I used to imagine
what it might be like to snog her.

Would you like me to call you
a taxi? No.

And listen...

Caroline...

I'm sorry I...

You know, in the end,

maybe it wasn't entirely his fault.

Not that I'm defending him.
Useless twat.

But there's got to be something,
hasn't there, not working,

before a bloke...

goes off? Mind where you're...

GLASS SMASHES

Judith!

What are you doing?!
I'm helping you!

Kate! Was that Caroline?

He's asleep.

What a puff.

Fainting!

You don't have to stay, you know.
I can handle things.

I'm 15. I'll stay here with you
until your mum gets back.

She's seeing someone. Mum.

Did you know? Yes.

Yes.

I did know.

Who?

Well...

I expect she'll talk it through
with you when she's ready.

"Talk it through"? What do you mean?

PHONE RINGS

Will that be her?

Hello? Hi. Is that William?

Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Hi. Er, it's Gillian,
Alan's daughter.

Is Caroline there?

No, she's had to rush
somebody into hospital.

Oh. Er...

Oh, erm...

Um...that'll be why
she hasn't been picking up

her mobile, then. Why?

Well, cos...

Can you give her a message from me
when she gets back?

Yep.

Can you tell her...

er...

her mother's driving over
with me dad in the dark.

I couldn't stop them. I tried.

And you know, neither of them's
eyesight is that good. But, er,

I wanted to just warn her

that she's upset. Erm, Celia.

You, your granny. She's upset...

..cos she's found out
about this relationship, erm...

Caroline's been having...

..with, er, with...with...

Kate.

Yeah.

Kate.

What, you knew?

Yeah.

OK.

Right. I'll...I'll tell her.

Bye.

Bye.

What?

Raff's gone to bed.

I'm going to get off. I'm up at six.

OK.

Are you all right with this joker,
or do you want me to deposit him
somewhere?

No, leave him. He's upset.
He can sleep down here

with Paul. I'll find him a duvet.

Right.

Night. Night.

Night. Night.

SHE SIGHS

Help yourself.

Dozy bugger.

I suppose...

you won't believe me...

if I said I didn't really
come over here to do that.

It was just an excuse, really...

..to see you again.

I've...

kept thinking about you.

HE SIGHS

Sorry, I need to rest me eyes
for five minutes.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Mm, we can do.

He'll have t'wrong end of t'stick.

Ring her!

No.

Would you like me to ring her?

No!

I can't decide....

..if you're an evil git

or if it's actually
quite...flattering

and romantic that you'd go
to such lengths

and piss so many people off
so massively

just to have an excuse
to come and see me.

None of it, it wasn't...

I didn't plan it.

And I'm not horrible.

Just like you...

said.

About when Raff got annoyed
with you. I'm just...

..disappointingly human.

Do you want to go upstairs?

She's called Zanzibar, but I just
call her Kate for short,

it's easier.

I think it would be better if
I moved out.

What's up with Caroline being
a bit of a dyke anyway.

He thinks I should meet Kate.

Come in.

Are you all right?
Yeah, it'll be indigestion.

The only one who's got anything to
lose this evening is her.

Turned my stomach when
I saw her touch you.

Sorry, did you say something? Nope.

She disappointed me the way she
talked to Caroline, I were shocked.

You're not going to fall out
with her though, are you? Dad?

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