Last Tango in Halifax (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

Is Caroline there? She's had to
rush somebody in to hospital.

I haven't a clue where John is.
Celia! Oh, God.

Has something happened
with Caroline?

She's been having it off
with another woman!

What woman?

It's out of a machine,
I don't know what it'll taste like.

You... Could you do with
something to eat?

No.

He's a trouble-maker, that one.

As I say, he'll have got hold
of the wrong end o' stick.

Or he's just lashing out, saying...



first damned silly thing
that's come into his head.

She...

When she was 18, she told me.

19. End of her first year at Oxford.

She came home.
I hardly recognised her.

Skinny as a rake.

And she'd cut
all her lovely long hair off.

Told you what?

I said, "Well, for God's sake,
don't tell your father.

"Or anyone else. Not round here."

No, I didn't want folk pointing,

saying things.

Not for me, not for my sake.
For hers.

Some folks seemed to think
she was enough of an oddity...



having a brain
and getting in at Oxford.

What folk? Oh, folk.

So, what happened?

Well, nothing. Nothing.

Er...

Did she have...a friend, or...?

There was one girl.
I did wonder.

You know when they say a name...

once too often,
in a particular way.

But it wasn't anybody
she ever brought home.

And then, I don't know, few years
passed and she met John.

And that was it.
It was forgotten.

It was only ever mentioned
that once.

I suppose I imagined
she'd got over it.

DOOR CLOSES

How do you get on?

They stitched her up.
Took her back to her flat.

God! What a dump.

He left me and the boys
and this house

to go and live in that squalid
little hovel with her.

Well, love is blind.
And a form of madness.

Was William all right?

He's asleep. I think they both are.

So...

do you want the bad news first, or...

the even worse news?
Oh, just as it comes.

Gillian rang. John's been
over there, at her place...

John has? Telling your mum
all about us.

And she got upset, apparently,

your mum did, and she's on her way
over here. Now, with Alan.

Well, they can't drive in the dark!

They can't see properly,
either of them! Well, I...

And anyway, John doesn't know all
about us specifically. I didn't...

Well, my name was mentioned.

And the thing is,
Lawrence took the call.

So, now he knows as well.
So...

Well, what did he...?

Shocked. Subdued.
Certainly didn't want to hang
around with me much after that.

I said you'd pop up
and look at him when you got in.

He didn't go straight on Facebook?
No! No, nothing like that.

But it sounds like your mum
took it quite badly.

What the hell was John doing
at Gillian's?

Well, shit-stirring,
by the sound of it.

It's so far below the belt, it's...

Even for him. I mean, God, she's 75!

Yeah, well, he's lashing out,
isn't he?

I'd better go and look at Lawrence.
Yeah.

Listen, Caroline,
I'm going to get off home.

Unless you want me here
when your mum...

No. Not yet.

I'm sorry. It's not been
much of a birthday.

Doesn't matter.

Night, then.

Night.

Ring me.

DOOR SHUTS

SHE SIGHS

DOOR CREAKS

HE WEEPS SOFTLY

Lawrence?

Are you awake?

I love you.

I don't want people
being mean to you.

Nobody's going to be mean to me.
I won't let them.

I'm big.

Believe me, I can handle mean.

ENGINE RUNS THEN STOPS

CLINKING

Good morning! All right?

Oh. Morning.

Morning, Gillian. How do.

You're up early. Early?

It's gone half past seven.

There's a pot of tea on the Aga.

How...

How are you this morning?

I'll be happier when I've
sorted out this pigging clutch!

Is there anything I can do?

How likely is that...
on a scale of one to ten?

Yeah. No, fair enough.

We made love.

You were upset, it was my birthday,
we were both a bit pissed.

I... Go pour yourself some tea.
I... Then you'd better ring Caroline.

Cos I think you owe her
one hell of an apology,

trouble you caused last night.

They got back safe,
you'll be pleased to hear.

It was ten past midnight.

She texted me. It's no small thing,
you know, finding out that
your wife's been... Yes.

We got the picture. Very vividly.

Yesterday. All of us.

Go pour yourself some tea,
posh bloke.

Who are you? That's Paul.

He was here yesterday.
You have met him.

No, I mean, what is he?

I'm gigolo.

HE SCOFFS

You been at it wi' 'im?
What's it to you?

Slapper.

He is a very erudite man.
So am I.

Yeah, you don't know what it means.
Yeah, but if...I did, I would be.

Yeah, good point, Paul.
Can't argue with that!

HE SNORTS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello.

She's in bathroom.

I'll give her a shout.

Celia? Caroline's here.

Is she all right?

I appreciate you didn't
want to talk last night,

but I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry

that you heard what you heard
the way you heard it.

I wanted to tell you myself properly,
but obviously John...

I don't even know why John was there.
Why was John there?
You know as much as me.

I might wander down road,
see if I can get a newspaper.

No, there's no need.

Can I can fetch anything while I'm
out? You don't have to go out.

I fancy a bit of fresh air.
I'd rather you didn't.

Anything you've got to say to me,
you can say to Alan.

OK.

Well, look, I don't know
exactly what's been said

because I've had it third-hand
from Gillian, via Lawrence, via...
someone else.

And, um...

Well... I'm assuming it's nonsense.

Can I sit down?
It's your house.

Oh, Mum!

OK. So...

When John went to live with Judith,

well, you know I found it difficult
for a while, and...

some people were very supportive
- you were, you were very kind -
and...

there was this person at school
who, equally, was very...thoughtful

and went out of her way
to cheer me up.

And people don't as a rule.
I think...people are scared of me

or they think I don't need
a kind word now and again.

But she didn't think like that,
and we became close.

And then she told me
she had a bit of a...

..crush on me,

and...one thing led to another.

She thinks the world of me
and I think a lot about her,

and it's what I want.

Why can't you just be friends?
Mum... I don't know why there's
this sudden... It's not sudden.

You've been married to that nitwit
for the last 20 years.

You can't just switch...

I've known since I was...

I once talked to you about it.
Do you remember, when I was
at university?

You've probably forgotten.

Why did you marry John?

Because I liked him.

I loved him. Because he asked me.

And I thought we could have a good
life together. And we did until he...

Well, I'm sure there's
plenty more men out there

who'd be more than... Oh, Mum!
Just try and get it.

I'm too old to pretend any more.

I'd like you, both of you, to meet...

Kate.

Is that her name?

No, she's called
Zanzibar Buck Buck McFate.

I just call her Kate for short,
it's easier!

No, thank you. I don't think
we do want to meet her.

She's called Kate McKenzie.

She's nice, she's kind,
she's thoughtful, she's...

Is she Scottish?
No, she's Nigerian.

No, I mean she is Nigerian.

That wasn't me being...sarcastic.

Well, I think me and Alan...

have decided against
the school chapel.

Why? We'll make our own arrangements.

Right.

And I think it would be better
if I moved out.

You'll have more space then
anyway, won't you?

So...plan. Plan is...

er, Registry Office.
In Halifax. Then...

She wants me to give Darren and
Kimberley notice to quit cottage.

Either that or rent somewhere.
You don't want to rent.

Not if the long-term plan is to buy.
It's just a waste of money.

And I thought she had, like,
an allergic reaction
to the Registry Office.

Yeah, I know. Well, but...

Why does she have to move out so
fast? Is she frightened she's going
to get infected with lesbian spores?

Well, you know as much as me.

Well, I don't know
that I do, Dad, but...

What's up with Caroline
being a bit of a dyke anyway?

Well, I did raise that question.

Not quite in so many words.

And what did she say?

You'd not be saying that
if it was your Gillian.

I stopped worrying about
who our Gillian slept with years ago.

I had to.

I'd have had a nervous breakdown
if I hadn't!

Except you never do stop worrying.
I know, I understand that, but...

..if this Kate's a nice person,

and it sounds very much like she is,

well, surely that's what matters.

Eh? Isn't it?

I think you just need time
to get used to it.

That's all. Surely.

Celia?

It's nowt these days!
Nobody bats an eyelid.

Oh, they do. THEY do.

People like to pretend
they don't, but they do.

But I tried to persuade her
that she should meet this Kate.

But she wouldn't even entertain
the idea.

Course, none of it
would've arisen if that dozy bugger

hadn't been round her house
last night...

shooting his mouth off.

DOOR SHUTS

I specifically asked you
not to tell my mum.

I said, "Tell who the hell you like,
but let me tell the boys and my mum."

I didn't plan it.

You didn't plan it?
What do you mean, you didn't plan it?

You drove 60 miles over to Halifax -
how is that not planning it?

I...I wanted to talk to Gillian.
Gillian.

Gillian and I...
that time you drove off without me,
after the engagement party,

she...we...

She was very supportive
and sympathetic,

and I needed someone to talk to.
I knew you were infatuated with her.

She's very...

Look, I went to talk to Gillian.

I didn't go to talk to Celia.
That's the point.

You probably don't believe me,
but I forgot Celia was there.

Is she all right?

No, she isn't.

And I knew she wouldn't be,
which was why I wanted to...

What's the point?

OK, well, look...

I'm sorry, I am sorry, but...

..I was upset.

Would it help
if I apologised to her?

No, it wouldn't.
It'd make things worse.

And I'd like it if you kept
right out of anything to do with me
from now on, OK?

Where are the boys?

Cinema.

Can I ask you something, just...

out of interest?

Out of all the...hundreds...

thousands of times we had sex...

..what were you thinking about?

Do you mean, was I dreaming
about other people?

I don't know. I can't remember.
Possibly.

You know when you were screwing me
at the same time you were
screwing Judith?

What were you thinking about?
Yes, OK, but the point I...
I was a good wife.

You were the one who blew it,
John, not me.

How long have you known this thing
about yourself? I assume it's not
something you cooked up last week.

John, this is no reflection on you,
if that's what you're bothered about.

I married you because I liked you.

A lot. I liked having sex with you.

I'm sorry if that doesn't compute,
but it's true.
I liked you, I loved you!

I wanted to have children with you
and I wanted to grow old with you.

You see...

I feel used.

Used? You feel used?

I'll tell you something. I was
round at Judith's flat last night,

bizarrely, not through choice -
I'll explain why in a minute.

You left me and the boys
and this house

to go and live in that shit-hole
with, I think,

possibly one of the most
vulnerable women I've ever met.

How useless, how drab do you think
that makes me feel?

You always manage to twist
everything round to you.

Yes, well, I have the great advantage
of having me on my side.

What were you doing
round at her flat?
I was having sex with her.

That was a joke.

She slashed one of her wrists
in the front garden. Here?

Mm. Not intentionally. She was
just pissed, it wasn't that dramatic.

Well, actually, it was.
William fainted.

She was looking for you. She thought
she'd upset you. She said she wanted
to apologise to you.

Oh, God. At nine o'clock last night,
I was propping her up in casualty,
covered in blood.

As birthdays go, it was one of
the more memorable ones.

Oh, no! It was your...
Don't bother.

Will Celia be all right? I don't
know. She's not speaking to me.

Yeah! Die, boy, die!

Oi! How did you do that?
Numb nuts.

Grandad's back! Grandad!

Mr Buttershaw!

You can play me, Grandad,
when I've slaughtered this dilbert.

No, no! You're all right.
I'll get the kettle on.

Is Celia all right?

Hm? Er, well...

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

She reads Daily Mail, Celia.
Did I tell you?

How long have you known this?

Oh, first time I went over,
I spotted one.

She says she only buys it
for telly page, but...

I'm not convinced.

Jesus, Dad!

SHE CHUCKLES

HE CHORTLES

It doesn't surprise me,
if I'm being honest.

Her buying Daily Mail.

HE SIGHS

This morning...

..she disappointed me,
way she spoke to Caroline.

I was shocked.

I know she likes to call a spade
a bloody shovel now and again,

and... well, it is
part of her charm...

but it obviously wasn't easy for
lass, saying what she had to say,

and it was just so unkind.

So unthinking.

So deep-rooted.

You're not going to fall out
with her, though, are you?

Dad?

RADIO

Is Dad going to move out?

I don't know.

Is Miss McKenzie going to move in?
I don't know.

Do people at school know about you
and Miss McKenzie? No. Mum. Granny.

Can I help you?
Can I have a word with you?

Alan rang last night.

I drove him to the station
on Thursday morning

and then he didn't ring
till last night.

That's the longest we've gone
not speaking to each other
since we met up again.

Do you want to get to the point?

He thinks I should meet Kate.

OK.

Well, I'll see
if Kate wants to meet you.

Has John gone?
No! He's still in the spare room.

Do William and Lawrence
know about...?

Kate? Yeah, they're fine.
You're the only fly in the ointment
as far as I'm concerned.

I know you won't believe me,

but I only ever have your
best interests at heart, you know.

I can cook dinner
on Wednesday evening,

assuming Kate's not busy.

How would that fit in
with you and Alan?

I'll ask him.

Oh, God.

Will...will John be there?
God, no. I've taken care of John.

How? Judith.

She came round on Saturday afternoon

offering to clean
all the blood out of my car,

by which time I'd already done it.

So, she said, "Well,
if ever there's anything else
I can do for you."

So, I've just texted her just now

and asked her if she can keep him
occupied on Wednesday evening.

She just texted me back saying...

"Consider it done."

RAISED VOICES

What part of "Felicitas,
Sapientia et Integritas"

do you people not understand?!

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

I wonder what Alan said to her,

to make her change her mind.

I'm not bigoted.

Good.

Or small-minded. Right.

I think, reading between the lines,
he threatened to dump her. No! Yep.

So, I reckon she's got some pretty
smart talking to do this evening.

And I'm certainly not old-fashioned.

And the suggestion that my attitude
towards my own daughter
is distasteful...

I find bewildering.

See, the thing she hasn't twigged

is that I no longer need
her permission, approval, anything.

So, the only one who's got
anything to lose this evening,

whether she realises it or not,
is her.

Shall we set off?

If I don't like her,
I shan't pretend.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Thanks.

GUNFIRE ON COMPUTER GAME

Supper's ready, lads!

All right? All right.

All right?

It's wonderful.

It's delightful.

I told all my mates at school
and they think it's brilliant.
Oh! It's just so uplifting.

It's just so...extraordinary.

Well, I suppose we're just lucky
we came across each other again,

after so many years.

Yes. And...it's all
thanks to William.

And your Raff!

Yeah, and our Raff.
I'll drink to that.

They put our names on Facebook for
us, you see. Oh, I know! I know.
Caroline told me all about it.

Oh. Well, there you go, then.
And the rest is history.

It's beautiful. You must feel...

I don't know, just so special
and happy, and...

Don't you?

Do we?

I don't know. I suppose so, yes.

Did you, er, ask Caroline
about chapel again?

Oh, yes.

Caroline, we were thinking...

we might like to get married
in the chapel after all.

If we've not missed the boat.

Right. Well, I'll...
have another look in the diary.

Well, as I say, if we've missed
the boat, we'll have to make
alternative arrangements.

Do you need a choir?

Oh, a choir! I run a choir, at
school. Well, there are two -

there's the school choir, and then
there's the staff choir, so...

Kate teaches music
as well as modern languages.
Oh, you must be very clever.

I'm in the school choir.
That's because you're a poof.

He is. He fainted last week.

He didn't. He just
went a bit wobbly.

He fell over and lost
consciousness! Why, what happened?

Nothing.

We were talking about music
for the wedding.

Hymns always sound better
with a bit of volume.

And we can rehearse a nice choral
piece for you as well, if you like.

Oh, that would be smashing,
wouldn't it, Celia?

Did you have anything in mind?

Ah...Celia's more up
on those sort of things than me.

She wants to arrive to
The Arrival Of The Queen of Sheba!

Wow!

Did we? Have anything in mind
as regards choral music?

Well, there's no point in
worrying about the details
of what music we're having

till people have checked their
diaries, is there?
It'll be fine, surely.

Won't it, Caroline?

I'll discuss it with the Bursar.

What's it got to do with him?
I thought you reckoned
to be the boss.

He's responsible for the bookings.

And he's not very keen on
people who blow hot and cold.

Well, as I say,

if it's any trouble, forget it.

OK.

We would like to be married
in chapel,

Caroline, if it's still an option.

Perhaps you could tell the Bursar
that we're very sorry

if he thinks we've messed him about.

SHE MOUTHS

What were you doing fainting,
William? I didn't.

Judith slashed an artery

and Ma got sprayed
in mad alky woman bloo-ood.

Tell him to shut up. An artery?!

Not on purpose.
What was she doing here?

I think she was just drunk.
Like a skunk.

Oh. Were you here?

Pussy. Idiot!

Can we just all calm down, please,
because I'm going to get angry
in a minute. We wouldn't want that.

Sorry, did you say something?

Nope.

HE SNIGGERS

Where are you going
on your honeymoon? Um...

Well, we haven't discussed it,
but, um...

Will you go abroad, or...?
Um, I don't know.

Well, we could. Yeah, I'm easy.
It depends what Celia wants.

Can I have a word with you
in another room, please?

Certainly.

Excuse me.

Can you just for once in your life
make a bit of effort?

What is the point of you being here
if you're just going to sit there

like a wet weekend
every time Kate opens her mouth?

You wanted me to meet her.
He wanted me to meet her.

I have. Big deal. Can I go now?

Why are you being like this?

Because I can't stand
seeing you make a fool of yourself.

Mum, I'm not making a fool of myself.
Only you think that.

No, love. I'm the only one
that'll tell you.

Oh, Mum, this is going to end really
badly. You're... It's going to...

This is how people fall out
with each other.

Mm. Well, on your head be it.

No. No. No. Look...

You've got Alan.

Why can't you just accept
that I want to be with Kate,

that I'm old enough
to know what I want

and accept it and be civilised
about it instead of this
excruciating pantomime?

You're not in love with her.

Why are you saying that?

Because you told me. No, I didn't.
The other morning.

What are you talking about?

You said, "She thinks
the world of me."

And I didn't hear you say,
"And I think

"the world of her back"
or anything remotely like it.

All I heard was,
"And I quite like her."

I said I like her a lot!

She's having you on. Having me on?!

She just wants to get promoted,
reckoning to gaze at you.

Yeah, that's right, cos nobody
could like me just for being me,
could they?

It turned my stomach
when I saw her touch you.

Turned your...?!

She touched my hand.

Well, God knows what else
you've been up to.

Oh, this was a mistake, wasn't it?

Look, like I said, you wanted me
to meet her. I have.

You'd better go.

I'll be next door.

ALAN SIGHS

You all right, love? Yeah.

Tough as old boots, me.

Resilient, bombproof, fireproof,
you name it.

I'm...going upstairs.

I'm just going to make a quick call.

Yeah, can I order a cab, please?

I'll, um...

She's, er, gone back round next door.

I'll, er...

I'll go and see if, er...

what she's, er...

ALAN SIGHS

I haven't even served
the second course.

Hardly anything to eat.

Well, it were very nice, the starter.

Where's Lawrence?

Um, I think he's, um...

And, er, look, thank you, Caroline.

And, er...

I'm sorry.

I'll, um... I'll...

Yeah.

Thanks for... No, that's...

Night-night, love.

Yeah.

Sorry. Thank you. Night-night.

Night-night, William. Night.

When you were shouting, we could
hear every word you and Granny said.

Kate? What are you doing?!

I called a cab. Why?
I'm going home.

Well, why? I thought
you were going to stay the night.

Yeah, well, I'm not now, so...

Oh, look...

Wow, she's hardcore, isn't she,
your mum? I don't know
what you heard... It's fine.

It's fine. I always knew
you didn't feel the same way
about me as I did about you.

But telling her that
before she's even met me?

No, I was just trying to explain
how it...started.

Caroline, it's fine, honestly.
I'm just going home.

Oh, come back inside. No.

Please. No. I'm freezing.

I'll see you tomorrow. The cab'll
be here in a minute. Nobody's
eaten anything. It'll save.

Come back inside.

I've got stuff to do.
No, you haven't! No, I have.

Fine. Then I'll wait with you.

You'll freeze. I don't care.

I might as well be dead anyway.

Caroline, go back inside.

Well, don't go.

Oh, well...

That's that done.

Yeah. Yeah, that's that done.

Are you all right?

No, Celia, I'm not.

I'm disappointed.

How can you sit there
and say you're not bigoted

and not small-minded, and then
carry on like you just did?

Then what did she say?

Dad?

Nothing.

So, I said...

"When I said, 'I think
you ought to meet Kate,'

"what I meant was
that I think you ought to...

"try to get on with Kate."

Then she said, "Oh, well,
you didn't make that clear."

And I said, "Well,
I shouldn't have to!"

And she said, "Well, Alan...

"at the end of the day...

"it's not really
any of your business."

She spoke to you like that?

And what did you say?

That we'd reached end o' line.

Well...

It's up to you.

Well, I've made it as plain as I can.

I can't pretend to be happy
about something if I'm not.

I mean, it'd be dishonest.

It'd be deceitful.

She can't see how destructive it is.

HE SIGHS

Well, you know...

Doesn't she have a point?

It is between them, isn't it, really?

How can it make her happy,

alienating herself from
her own people, her own family,

people who care about her?

I'm not defending her.
I'm just trying to...

I don't know.

When you love someone,
isn't it like warts and all?

Come hell or high water?

So, how have you left it?

I think we've acknowledged that...

..we've reached the end o' road.

Oh, God, that's...

I'm really sorry.

Dad, I'm really sorry.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Mum?

Let her in.

Have you got a minute?

What do you want?

He's finished with me. Alan.

Oh.

So, you'll be satisfied.

Will I? Why?

Well, it's all
because of this business.

How?

How? Well...who'd want to
marry into a family like this?

Alan didn't say that.
You embarrassed him last night.

No-one else. Don't you dare blame me.

I don't think I can carry on.

Join the club. Caroline,
you have no idea.

Haven't I?
I've been so happy.

Happier than I've been for years.

Decades! Half a bloody century!

Well, if it's any consolation,
Kate's finished with me.

In fact, this morning...

..she handed her resignation in.

And that's how much she can't
stand being near me any more.
So, ten out of ten.

Bingo! Hit the jackpot,
got what you wanted.

"I don't want to be a nuisance.
I'd hate to be a nuisance.

"No, I'll just bugger everyone's
life up for them instead by being
a nasty, small-minded old bitch!"

You are going to die very bitter
and very, very, very lonely.

You know that, don't you?

I'm heartbroken!

Good! You deserve to be.
You don't deserve Alan. He's worth
a thousand of you.

Caroline!

Oh, fuck off.

What's going on? Mind your own
business. Caroline, don't speak to
your mother like that!

She's not my mother.
I haven't got a mother!

What's happened?

SHE SOBS

Why don't you...?
Sit down.

Can I...?

Shall I...? Do you want some tea?
No, I...I don't want anything.

I'm sorry I said what I said
at Gillian's. It was stupid

and selfish and horrible.

But true. Yes.

Did you know? No.

I did.

Are you all right?

Can I get you anything? Is there
anything I can do for you? No.

Well, look, just ring.
I'm just next door if...

Yeah. ..there's anything.

TV IS ON

Dad? Mm?

You know Robbie? Yeah.

He's asked me out with him.
I mean, like, properly.

Like...an item.

Robbie? You know that night
you went missing?

You know I told you
how good he was? Yeah.

He kind of...

Well, he said he thought
we'd make a good team.

Me and him and Raff.

And you know I told you
he apologised for all the crap?

And you know,
I used to see him a bit.

Before I went out with Eddie.
Did you? Yeah.

It was only cos of Robbie
I ever met Eddie.

Don't you remember?

I think...

I sometimes think...

that's why he got vindictive
like he did when Eddie died.

Cos he'd never forgiven me for that.

Well, I don't know.

I do like him.

I've always liked him.

Do you think I'm mad?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, it'll be indigestion.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOOR OPENS

Hello. Hello.

Have you got a minute?

I love Caroline.

Of course you do.
She's your daughter.

I had an unhappy marriage.

Did you?

Well, he was unfaithful.

I'm sorry.

I should have left him, but...

people didn't so much in those days.

No.

I stuck it out
with as much dignity as I could.

But it was all pretty joyless.

And she was the one thing
that kept me going.

We used to be pals.
We always had a laugh...

..when she was at home,
before she went off to college.

And after, now and again.

She always had a look of my dad.

I loved my dad.

He was very tall. Very good-looking.

I still miss my dad every day.

It's daft, isn't it?

People say that you marry someone
who reminds you of your dad,

but I don't think I did.

The thing that worries me...

The thing that worried me...

When she told me, when she was 18,

what worried me was...I thought...

You see, I thought
it was my fault. Why?

Projecting things onto her.
Expectations, ideas.

I don't know, with being
so disappointed in Kenneth.

I mean, not on purpose.

No, Celia, listen,
that's not how it works.

And then that,
I thought, was my fault.

Celia... Yes, stupid.
I know now. I do.

But then I couldn't.

I'm sorry I've been so...

blinkered.

I've caused a lot of trouble, I know.

I...I just want her to be happy.

I know she doesn't believe that.

Don't leave her.

THEY LAUGH

Oh!

When did you come back?

Alan?

Alan!

Oh, hello, love. Oh, hiya.

I'm looking for Alan.
Didn't Gillian ring you?

He's in hospital.
He were rushed in last night.

He had a heart attack.

Did you know he had a funny heart?

He was sat there. He just
went funny. It were horrible.

And his heart stopped once over,
but they got it going again,
the paramedics.

They were amazing.
I was right impressed.

But yeah, technically,
for a few seconds he were dead.

Oh, Jesus...

Are you all right?

Can I help you? I'm looking for,
er, Al... Er, Mr Buttershaw.
Alan Buttershaw.

He was brought in
with a heart attack.

And who are you?
I'm his best friend.

Celia...

I'd have rung, but...

..I didn't know how things were
between you. I mean, he told me
you'd split up. And then...

SHE SOBS

He's been... so unhappy, and then...

Mum...

You haven't really fallen out,
have you?

Oh, it was all my fault.

But I've put everything right now.

And I need him to know
I've put everything right.

Come out here.

I, um...
Paul told me what happened.

OK. Well, um...

The thing is, it's bad...

what happened.

They're worried that there was, er,
a lot of damage done, and, um...

They're saying that...

..we've got to be brave, because
it's probably just a matter of...

..time.

Has he been conscious?

At all?

Have you been here all night?

Can I sit with him for a bit?

I've things I need to tell him.

Of course.

He was disappointed with me.
I know he was.

But I've made everything right now.

Tell him.

Don't go.

Not yet.

We've still got to have
a lot of laughs, you and me.

Right, well...

..the good news is...

that I'm not bigoted or small-minded,
as it turns out.

What it was was...it was me.

It's all psychobabble
and rubbish, probably, but...

..I was blaming myself for her
being the other way inclined.

That was why I was hoping
it would go away if...

I played hardball long enough.

But I've been on the road to Damascus
and come out the other side.

They're back together, anyway,
the ladies.

So, I'm hoping that...

I'm assuming...

that you and I are back on
vis-a-vis the wedding.

So, I just...

thought I'd take you through
the itinerary, Mr Buttershaw.

Just speak up if there's anything
you're not happy with.

What's she talking to him about?

God knows.

Mum...

Hello, love.

I love you.

I know you do.

I am sorry about all those things
I said to you yesterday.

It doesn't matter.

It's forgotten.

How is he?

Not good.

I've brought you some things.

A flask.

I made you some sandwiches.

And a Daily Mail.

Oh... Aren't you...?

You are, you know.

You're perfect.

So are you.

No, I'm not.

I think you are.

Well, you're not,
but you're very entertaining.

Yeah. Never a dull moment.

Hey, Alan?

'Celia! Celia!

'Hello, Alan!
Are you doing owt next Tuesday?'

HORN BLARES

Celia! I didn't see you there.

Oh, hello, Alan! How's things?

I'm just going up to corner shop.
I could walk up wi' you.

What you fetching?

Oh, I don't know. A tin of peas
and some firelighters for me mother.

Is that what you're having for your
tea? Yeah! Not the firelighters!

THEY LAUGH

What are you having?

Oh, I don't know. What day is it?
Wednesday. It'll be sausages.

Burnt, no doubt, if me mother's
got anything to do with it!

How's Jessops? Yeah, great,
I love it.

How's Co-op? Not so bad.

Well, see you, then.

Yeah, I'll see you, then.

Celia? Yeah?

Are... Are you doing owt
next Tuesday?

Only there's... We could...

If you fancied...
Tuesday? What time?

Six o'clock?

I could meet you by bridge, or...

we could go and see summat
at flicks.

Smashing.

I always knew you'd turn up...
eventually.

Even if it took you 60 years.

Hello!

I think... I thought...

Did I come to see you last night?

Or were I dreaming?

Yes! You did!

You came to see me.

I wanted to say sorry.

And I love you.

And I don't care.

You've a lovely face.

Oh, so have you.

I went round to Kate's house
last night.

Kate?

They're back together.

Oh!

And you'll never guess...

What?

You can play the organ?

What, like the full, big...
Grade 8.

So, I said to her, "Oh, you'll know
The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba,
then.

"That'll be coming in handy!"

HE LAUGHS

MUSIC: "The Arrival Of
The Queen Of Sheba" by Handel

THEY LAUGH