Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - No Parental Guidance - full transcript

- Whoa, whoa.
- Whoa.

- Hey.
- What are you doing in here?

Thursday Night Football, baby.

Oh, Terry, no, no. No, Thursday
Night Football is over.

What do you mean it's over?
Why would the networks do that?

- That's crazy.
- Listen.

Networks do a lot of weird stuff.

Uh, they're based in California.
That's all I'm gonna say.

I guess I will just have
to do some binge-watching!

- Oh...
- Hey, have you ever seen that show

Downtown Abby?



- What is that girl all about?
- Oh, no,

no, look, no. Uh, Mike and I...

we're gonna watch our favorite show.

- Really? What's it about?
- Yeah.

It's about a real funny
dad and-and other people,

but mostly about the funny dad.

Well, the dad has a wife, too,

and she's-she's smoking hot.

Uh... uh, she's on that
and, like, seven other shows.

Then maybe I'll just
have to find somebody else

to hang out with, won't I?

There you go.

Howie Long.

You got his number?



Terry, he asked us
not to give it to you.

Well, I'll see you next Thursday.

Next Thursday.

Thursday Night Football. All right?

By the way, I'd like a little bigger TV.

That's way too small.

Thursday!

We're gonna have to move.

Whoa, whoa, boy. What is all this?

Oh, I made breakfast for Vanessa.

You are the most thoughtful
exchange student ever.

Now get rid of all of it.

Why?

Just, okay, listen,
she's a little cranky.

Doesn't happen often,
but when she gets cranky,

this is all too much for
her. It'll be too much.

You got to back off. She's like a...

like a coiled snake in a bathrobe

she thinks is cashmere.

Backing off might be
best for those of you

who are cuteness-challenged,
but I think I'll be fine.

Good morning, Vanessa.

I made you breakfast to
start your New Year off right.

Yeah, I'll still have
to clean up the mess,

so it's the same old,
same old, isn't it?

I tried to warn you.

"The stove is hot".

"Oh, oh, this stove? Ow!"

Look, I'm sor... I'm sorry, Jen.

I'm just a little upset about something,

so I think it would be best

if everyone would just
leave me alone for a bit.

Absolutely... not!

No one walks away from
Jen until they have a smile

on their face and a song in their heart.

Jen, Jen, Jen, look at the muffin.

Look at the time!

I think I'll get to school
early and help the janitor...

mop.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

What? Protect children from danger?

No, no, pretend like I'm some
kind of ticking time bomb.

I'm sorry if I was up late trying

to-to finish the New
Year's jigsaw puzzle

that I always do with
the girls, but this year

I had to do all by myself,
because apparently

they have fancy lives and
are too busy to stop by.

Uh-huh.

Just because they
don't live here anymore,

does that mean everything has to change?

I mean, I barely get
to see them as it is,

and now I don't even
get them on New Year's?

That sucks.

That's it?

That's it? That's all you have to say?

Just "Uh-huh" and "That sucks"?

Yeah.

I've been burned by that stove
way too many times, honey.

- Oh, you know what? Forget it. Forget it.
- No. Hey, babe.

- No, I don't want to talk to you. Forget it. No, I...
- Come on, come on, stop, stop...

I-I know you're upset
because you don't get

to spend enough time with the girls.

It's something that we're gonna
get used to, I promise. We will.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know why you're saying that?

Well, let's be honest.
I say a lot of stuff

that I get punished for later.

You're saying that

because you get to see the
girls at work all the time.

Kristin works for you and
now Mandy works for you.

And I bet once Eve
graduates from the Academy,

you're gonna steal
her away from me, too.

- Don't even...
- That sucks.

I'm gonna go help mop at the school.

So, as you can see,

I have enough designs
in my athleisure line

to fill any and all parts of the store,

up to and including these offices.

It's brilliant, just brilliant.

It's as if da Vinci created clothes

for women who want to look athletic...

but aren't.

You don't need to treat
her like she's my daughter.

Treat her like any other supplier.

All right.

I like your stuff,

but if it struggles for
two consecutive quarters,

you're out on your ass.

- Yeah? Good.
- Okay.

And don't bitch about shelf space.

And always remember rule number one:

make me money, or I make you gone.

Yes, sir.

Welcome aboard, kiddo.

- Thank you.
- Good.

Oh, and, uh, one more rule...

no fish in the microwave.

Okay? No.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Congratulations.

Thank you. This is so exciting.

- 2020 is gonna be the Year of Mandy.
- Yeah?

I have a new apartment, my
clothing line's expanding.

- Uh-huh.
- And Kyle's finally got...

♪ A healthy sperm count! ♪

Oh, grow up, Dad.

You don't get another grandchild

unless some guy's swimmers
meet your daughter's floaters.

You've done the impossible.

You've ruined the
concept of grandchildren.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Thank God you showed up

before I willed myself to have a stroke.

Okay. Uh, why did you
need to see both of us?

You're coming over for
dinner Saturday night.

Your mom says we don't
see enough of you girls.

Now get out. I'm busy.

I have plans Saturday.

Ryan's taking me to a bluegrass
concert called Cornstock.

Marriage is compromise.

And I got plans, too, Dad.

They involve Kyle and a
little bow-chicka-bow-bow.

Eve is coming up from
the Air Force Academy.

You're coming, too, okay?

Your mom is having a hard time.

Apparently she misses all of this.

Well, I talk to Mom all the time.

Yeah, me, too. I just
texted her this morning.

That's not the same thing.

She wants to be with you.

You know your mom.

An emotional connection to
her is a physical connection.

Which is why, around our house,

there's so much bom-chicka-bow-bow.

- Thanks for doing this, honey.
- Mm.

- Sorry I was so tough on you lately. Mmm.
- Mmm.

Yeah. It was nothing.
I didn't do anything.

The girls just wanted to spend
some time with you, right, guys?

We're just gonna pretend
you didn't order us here?

I thought you military types
were good at "Don't tell".

No, no, no. It's okay, it's okay.

I'm just thrilled to be
surrounded by my girls again.

And we are happy to be here.

It's better than a bluegrass hootenanny.

I want some credit, too.

I gave up a night of hot baby-making.

Wow, you just got to stop this.

Otherwise, I'm gonna start
mashing with your mom right now.

I-I don't appreciate
that as a threat, Mike.

Um, hey, you know what?

How about I open a bottle of champagne,

and we can toast this fabulous night?

- I'm in.
- Yeah. None for me, though, thanks.

Oh, come on. It's a special bottle

I didn't get to open on New
Year's because I was alone.

You were with me, honey.

Which is alone-adjacent.

I'm gonna have to pass on the champagne.

Oh. You don't want a drink with dinner?

Looks like Ryan had the
intervention without us.

Really?

I am not an alcoholic.

Exactly what an alcoholic would say.

But maybe there's an-another
reason I'm... not... drinking?

You're... al... ready... drunk?

Wait, wait.

- Kristin, are you... ?
- Pregnant.

Oh!

Almost four months. Surprise!

Oh, fantastic!

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

Swear to God, I knew it.

Wow. That is really low, Kris.

- What?!
- You know, you can't just

blurt something like that
out in front of everyone.

Did you even think about
how that would make me feel?

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm
spending most of my time

growing a human being inside of me.

- Come on.
- Ugh, stop talking like that,

or I'll start mashing with Mom.

You're just... you're
s-so inconsiderate.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- No, Mandy, honey.

No, listen, listen, listen. I... Look,

I don't think it's wrong for your sister

to want to share this wonderful
news with the entire family.

Yeah, okay. And now you're on her side.

Whoever wins, I've got next.

Eve, it's not funny.

Right. That... I'm sorry.

I read the room wrong.

Hey, how's the big family dinner going?

I can't even talk to you.

Well...

it... it really was going quite well,

you know, until you showed up.

This is so sad.

Uh, I mean, tonight should
have been a-a joyous time

for our family. Kristin's having a baby.

And this time she's married
and not in high school.

Honey, honey. Yeah.

Look, I-I usually find your ability

to lighten the mood kind of sexy.

- Usually?
- Huh? Yeah, but one more joke,

I'm gonna hit you in
the nuts with the lamp.

Mandy is upset because
Kris just gets pregnant,

and she and Kyle have been
working so hard to get pregnant.

And there, you made me acknowledge it.

I know, I know, but-but
what Mandy did was not okay,

and I'm gonna talk to her about it.

You know what? I'm
gonna talk to Kris, too,

because I-I'm sure she feels robbed

of what should have been
an exciting family moment.

This is probably a risky thing to say

with you so close to that lamp.

I think you should stay out of it.

By "stay out of it",
you mean what exactly?

What? Stop mothering my children?

Hmm. Excuse me. Uh...

You've done a great job
mothering those girls

- while they were living here.
- Mm-hmm.

But now they're grown-ups,
they're out on their own.

They got to figure
this out by themselves.

- Well, what if they don't?
- Then you're a lousy mother.

Hand me the lamp.

- Listen, listen...
- I...

Mandy's gonna figure out
she did something wrong

and she's gonna fix it...
I'm 100% sure of that.

Look, I hope you're right

because I would really miss that lamp.

Come on, you'd really miss...

I'd miss the lamp.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, you got a minute for
a couple of sons-in-laws-es?

"Sons-in-laws-eez"? Sons-in... ?

Listen, hey, um... congratulations.

You and Boyd must be happy.

- Thank you. Yeah, we are.
- Yeah.

- Um, that's actually why we came by.
- Okay.

We heard the announcement last
night was a... little tense.

Little tense. Yes, I don't think

a dinner's gone that badly
since the Last Supper.

Uh, this is all my fault.

I'm not sure how,

but when I say that,
people usually feel better.

Actually, it was your fault, you know.

Mandy wouldn't have
anything to be jealous over

had you kept your sperm count low,

where evolution wisely put it.

Damn my boxer shorts.

Look, Kris has been trying
to get hold of Mandy,

but she's not answering.

So now Kris is walking around all mad.

And this time she's mad for two.

And even though we're their husbands,

we don't feel like it's right for us

to tell 'em they have to talk.

Oh, oh.

You want me to say something?

- Yes.
- No.

But they'll listen to
you. Everybody does.

He doesn't listen to me.

If he did, the only person
he could get pregnant

would be himself.

I don't follow.

Oh, I'll explain it to you later.

It's super hilarious.

They're adults. I want
them to act like adults.

I don't want them doing stuff

because their dad tells them to do it.

Come on, Mike. There's got to
be something that you can do.

I've already done it.

I-I've spent 20-some-odd
years raising those girls.

I-It's got to be enough.
That's it. Dismissed.

Oh, now I get it. Because he's
always telling you to go...

Yeah, super hilarious.

- Hey, Chuck.
- Oh, hey.

I know you're not Dad's
secretary, but is he in?

He told me to come up at 3:00.

Everyone says they know
I'm not his secretary,

but everyone acts like I am.

Go on in. Go ahead.

What are you doing here?

I have a meeting with Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, news flash, Dad's not in here.

And neither am I.

Well, I won't be.

You know what, shut up!

Oh.

Nobody is going anywhere.

Your dad said you two were supposed

to have a meeting at 3:00.

So have a meeting.

And I am not his damn secretary.

I can't believe you.
You're not talking to me

because you think that I
deliberately got pregnant

just to ruin the "Year of Mandy"?

Wow. You don't even know what
you did; that's even worse.

I would ask you what's even worse,

but I know you won't talk to me.

Yeah, because we don't
talk, Kris, we-we chat.

The diet soda of conversation.

And even though I love diet
soda, that is a bad thing.

Well, I am the whole milk of confused.

Talking would be stuff like, uh,

"Hey, Mandy, you're my best friend

so you should be the first to know

that you're going to be an aunt again".

Wh... So-so you're not
jealous, you're hurt?

That's even crazier.

Yeah, well, we're supposed

to share important
stuff with each other.

Who was the first person I told

when Kyle's low sperm
count skyrocketed? You!

Yes, yes, that was me.

Quite the honor.

But I guess you don't want
to do that anymore. Fine.

I don't, I don't want to be
the first person you tell.

Mandy...

Do you remember a couple of years ago

when you were the first
person I told I was pregnant?

And then you weren't.

I'm really sorry, I didn't
mean to remind you of that.

It's okay.

It was really early in the pregnancy,

and miscarriages happen sometimes.

Yeah.

I remember how sad it made you.

And I remember how sad it made you.

I wished I had waited
longer to tell you.

So that's why you waited this time.

And just so you know, you were gonna be

the first person I told this time, too.

But the other night,

Wineboat Annie started
pushing the bubbly and...

it just came out, you know.

I couldn't help myself.

Okay, wait, I have a great idea.

Why don't we have an
announcement do-over right now.

Isn't that kind of silly?

No, no, no, it'll be great.

♪ La-la, la-la-la-la, la, la. ♪

Hey, Kris. Hey.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Okay, fine, Mandy.

Uh, I wanted you to be the
first to know... I'm pregnant.

I can't believe you're having a baby

and ruining the Year of Mandy.

You know what?

You weren't even the
first person I told.

I told Eve and... and
I don't even like her.

This is so great.

I can't wait to be pregnant now

so we can go through it together.

Yeah, it's a blast.

Next time something's bothering you,

will you please just tell me?

Because you-you are my best friend.

I promise.

Also, this is, like,

the best meeting I've ever had.

Ooh. Oh.

The world needs more of this.

Ugh.

Ugh, why haven't they called?

Not knowing is killing me.

It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.

Look, they're either still talking,

or one of them tried
to get rid of the body.

I'm calling them.

- Don't do it, please, honey...
- No, no, no, look.

You know, I don't feel
good about Mandy dealing

- with this by herself.
- Just put it down for me.

Remember the time that she begged us

to make the family dinner? Hmm?

- She made soup out of grass.
- Mm.

- Come on. She was a child.
- Ah.

- She was a child, right?
- Mm.

Yeah. And Kristin actually ate it

because she didn't
want Mandy to feel bad.

Yeah, but then Kristin felt horrible

'cause I'd just fertilized the lawn.

Yeah, those two have
always been so close.

I don't think I can handle
it if they lose that.

It's not gonna happen.

Listen, I know their mom.

Thanks.

Can I confess something that's, uh...

that's gonna sound horrible?

Sure. As long as you
don't finish the sentence

and say, "Your turn".

There is a... part of me

that almost hopes they don't work it out

because then that'll mean

that they no longer need me.

That make me an awful person?

Good parent, you raise them

and they don't need you.

And it sucks. You know?

You're a great parent,
they still want you.

- Hmm.
- Hey, anybody home?

I got a pregnant lady here who's hungry.

And it's not me.

Oh, my goodness. What are
you guys, uh, doing here?

Well, I went by Dad's office to
straighten these two clowns out,

but they had figured everything
out before I could hit anybody.

Well, um, we wanted to
come over and apologize.

Yeah, Dad said that you
really missed seeing us,

and we went and screwed it up.

I didn't.

I did what I always do...

cracked a couple of jokes

and snuck two beers into the den.

You still can't drink
here unless you're 21.

I am 21.

Ha.

Swear to God, I knew that.

Uh, real smooth having Chuck
lock us in your office, Dad.

Yeah, why was he
crying when I got there?

Yeah... we did that.

Marines.

I am just glad you're here

because I really miss this.

Oh, Mommy, you-you finished the
New Year's puzzle by yourself.

Yeah, well, I... it wasn't as much fun,

but-but it was quicker.

Well, next year we'll be sure to come by

and do it all together.

- You know what, it's not quite done.
- Hey! No!

No, really, there's
a little bit left here.

- Come on. Oh, look.
- Oh, no!

- Look, I tell you what.
- What are you doing?

I'm going to the garage.
That's what I'm gonna do.

You want to help us?

I think I already put
my puzzle together.

You do realize next year

this will be a choking hazard?

Or you could give it to
Mandy and make it one now.

Hey, uh, Eve, why don't you let me

whip you up a cup of soup?

You missed this?

Absolutely.

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man,

where we're all about
passing down traditions.

That's why we're having
a Grandparents Day sale,

where, if you come
in with your grandkid,

I'll give you 20% off

on all of our camping
equipment, all right?

But don't just borrow a neighbor kid

to just save a little dough.

You try that move and you're gonna get

a butt full of hot buckshot.

And nothing makes me
happier than thinking

about being a grandpa again.

And nothing makes me less
happy than thinking about

what had to happen to make that happen.

Why couldn't the stork
have been real, man?

It's easier, cleaner, better.

I prefer that story.

Of course, in nature storks
are real but they're mean.

They're mean. Mean damn birds.

They kick their kids out
of the nest after 60 days

and don't give a flying fork

if they visit at New Year's.

The best thing about pushing
humans out of the nest

is that they circle
back and often hand you

a smaller, cuter version
of themselves to look after.

It's a beautiful tradition
called "free babysitting".

And, listen, I take my responsibility

as a grandfather very seriously.

Someone has to teach
the youngest generation

the right way to insert
an M-80 in a watermelon.

Baxter out.