Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - Wrench in the Works - full transcript

Nothing like an ice-cold beer

- after a job well done.
- Yeah.

You know, the Brits
like their beer warm...

and their cars are cruddy.

- I wonder if there's a connection.
- Ah.

They get a pass.

- They gave me Adele.
- Heh.

You know, man, thanks to us,

this Corvair is as good as it was

when it rolled off the
assembly line in 1963.

- Actually...
- Yes!



... better. Huh?

- Ported and polished heads.
- Mm-hmm.

- This baby's an animal.
- Mm.

A slow, stupid little animal.

But still fast enough to
roll over on Ralph Nader.

You know, that buyer Joe found for me

is gonna be really happy.

That's 'cause he's
done dealing with Joe.

- Mm.
- "Done dealing with Joe".

You add a pickup truck to
that, that's a country song.

Got to admit, this...

- was a pretty good time.
- Yeah, why is it we don't argue

when we're working on a car?

'Cause all we say is, "Give me a beer",



"You need a beer?" "We
got to get more beer".

I almost wish there was
something wrong with my truck

so we could have a
project for next weekend.

Easily done. I'll take a screwdriver

and poke a hole in your radiator.

That's the best spaghetti
you've ever made.

I licked my plate clean.

My tongue marks have actually
turned this into a painting.

Look. A sailboat.

Okay, well, what do you know?
I'm married to Jackson Pol-lick.

Heh-heh.

Great food, bad puns...
our marriage in a nutshell.

You know, working on cars always
puts you in such a great mood.

Or maybe it's just being
trapped in the garage

with all those noxious fumes.

Well, nothing like a
CO2 and benzene cocktail.

Actually, working with Chuck
had a lot to do with it.

- Hey, whoa, whoa. Wow.
- Ooh.

I thought you always wanted
to be alone with your cars.

You put an engine between Chuck and I,

it turns out... he's a lot of fun.

Look at you... enjoying
the company of humans.

Yeah, all right, just one guy,

and don't forget the benzene fumes.

I think this is a very
healthy change for you.

You know, as men age,
strong social connections

can help them live longer.

Ah. Look at you... wanting me to live.

Yeah.

But I think I figured out a way
to add more of this to my life.

- Oh, I like that.
- I'm thinking of having

a side business flipping
classic cars with Chuck.

I'm liking it less.

The expansion at Outdoor
Man has calmed down.

The kids are out of the house.

You want me to live longer.

Yeah, okay, but, you know,

you've always found
working on cars to be fun.

You need the escape. It might ruin it

- if you make it all about money.
- More money?

What would we do with more money?

We could add a second
wine cellar to the yacht.

A cellar? Oh, I'd give anything

just to live in one!

Be gone, you little ragamuffin!

And take the mice with you. Get out.

Okay, all right, all right.
Look I'm just saying,

you've had two great loves of your life:

the outdoors and classic cars.

You're a solid number three, Lovey.

Wow. I finally edged out Elway.

Oh, I forgot about Elway.

Listen, you-you've turned
your love of the outdoors

into a business, which...
which you still find fun.

But-but admit it, I mean,
it can be kind of stressful.

And I'd hate to see that happen

- with you and cars.
- All right, all right.

I can still keep it
fun. I will keep it...

And haven't you read that
being married to a man

that's having fun helps
aging women live longer?

No, no, no.

But I did read that men
who call their wives "aging"

tend to die suddenly. Yep.

What are you doing?

We're gonna get lunch as
soon as Mom and Jen get here.

Tell that to the beast baby within.

Why would you not have cocktail onions?

Ooh.

Hi. Oh, what's with the boxes?

Can you keep a secret?

Your mom and I are porch pirates.

- Arr!
- All right, she's kidding.

Look, I brought you the stuff
you left in the basement.

Please tell me she left some
cocktail onions down there.

They don't show this

in the joyful pregnancy
test commercials.

Well, thanks for bringing my stuff.

Did you also bring the mannequin?

Oh, I'll bring it by tomorrow.

Your dad's been using it to
drive in the carpool lane.

Hey, Mandy, what's this?

Oh, that's our chore list.

Uh, since we have our own place,

Kyle and I decided to
split the housework.

My parents had a chore list.

I kept adding: "Let Jen
watch Magic Mike".

Oh, but no dice.

Men taking off their clothes. Big deal.

Show me a man putting
away the clean dishes...

Whoa. Who's chore is it

to take out the recycling, huh?

Oh, technically me, but
you can just leave it.

Kyle will take care of it.

Honey, I hope you're not making
Kyle do all your chores.

No. He likes it.

I-I just wait a little bit,

and he steps in and he does it for me.

He's so sweet.

You're taking advantage of him.

Why are you surprised, Mom?

She did the same thing to me growing up.

And then you both did the same
thing to me when I got here.

And we loved you for it.

The difference is that
Kyle likes doing it, okay?

I-I'm just letting him
do what he likes to do

by not doing what I don't like to do.

I know English is my second language,

but that sounds like a load of crap.

It's just like with the boxes.

You know, I left them in the
basement, he brought them to me,

everyone's happy.

Mandy, this is important. You...

Can we go? You can run
her life at the diner.

Okay? Come on, let's go.

- Larabee.
- Huh?

Get in my office. I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you, too,
but I was gonna be polite.

What's up?

Listen, we both liked
working on that Corvair.

Okay. Don't worry, Baxter.
I saw you having fun.

I won't tell anybody.

Look at this website... classic cars.

- Ah.
- What do you say we buy one of these,

fix it up, use the profits
to build another one?

Man, that's funny, man. I was thinking

about turning this into a business, too.

No, like a side business... just
two guys funding their hobby.

It'll be fun.

Fun is my middle name.

I think you told me it was Marion.

I share too much when
I'm working on cars.

But what if it wasn't just two guys?

Damn, I-I'm barely
able to work with you.

I don't think I could work
with another guy. I can't do...

What the... ?

Hey, Chuck.

You tell this numbskull we
might let him work with us?

Charles Marion Larabee...

what have you done?

You invited Joe in on this,

the most annoying guy
in the world? What...

- Gilbert Gottfried was busy?
- Okay, okay.

Joe, Joe, c-could you
give us a second, man?

- Sure.
- Okay.

I'm back.

I'm just kidding. Look,
take all the time you want.

Remember... we don't need Baxter.

Really? Joe?

I wanted to keep this fun and simple.

Joe? Just simple.

I know he's annoying,

but he's connected with
gearheads all over town,

and he's a very, very good mechanic.

All that would be great

if it weren't Joe.

Since Joe set me up

with the guy who bought the Corvair,

technically, he's the one that
got this whole ball rolling.

Guy drives me nuts.

I can't-I can't do it. I can't. I'm...

Hey, guy, you don't want to
work with me, that's fine.

Okay?

I'll tell my friend who was looking

for a '68 Mustang Fastback
to find somebody else.

- '68 Fastback?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, he wants to drop
a 428 Cobra Jet in it.

I-I'm gonna regret this.

All right, Joe, you're in.

Yeah.

You said "urine".

Regret, regret...

regret.

Oh!

- Hey, Mrs. B.
- Hi, Kyle.

Sorry, I'm just dropping
that off for Mandy.

There's a guy who sits in Mr. B's truck

who has the same hat.

Thanks for bringing this by.

Hey, and I can walk you back down.

I'm getting ready to take
out the recycling anyway.

Oh. Right. Uh, look, Kyle,

I saw the, uh, the chore list

that-that you and Mandy
put up on the refrigerator.

Um, I could have sworn that
recycling was Mandy's job.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, but,
you know, it's been piling up.

And, uh, and I don't mind.

Besides, I... I love the clinkety-clank

of the recycling bag being
carried down the steps.

Yeah, small pleasures.

Uh, so, Kyle, uh,

do-do you end up doing
a lot of her chores?

I guess so. She forgets a lot.

But... I like doing things for her.

Yeah. Well, just curious...
I mean, how-how many

of her chores does she actually do?

Well, uh...

she doesn't do the laundry.

But she does leave it all
over the bedroom floor.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That way I don't have
to go looking for it.

And, uh, she didn't clean the kitchen.

But she did sweep once.

But that's just because
she broke a glass.

It... Well, I guess it
really wasn't sweeping

as much as it was just kicking
the pieces under the stove.

Uh, Kyle, I...

I don't want to insert
myself into your marriage...

But?

Well, since you ask. Uh...

Look, Mandy is using you,
and-and it has to stop.

You think she's ignoring
her chores on purpose?

Does recycling go clickety-clank?

Look, look,

if Mandy's gonna do her fair share,

you-you have to stop
doing her chores for her.

Yeah, but she's so
tall and pretty, so...

Oh, yeah, well, that is a factor.

Look...

but over time, Kyle,

you might end up resenting Mandy,

and resentments pile up,
much like your recycling.

All right.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll put it
all back the way it was.

But it is gonna take forever
to un-crush all these cans.

Listen. Okay, Joe, where are
we gonna get this '68 Mustang?

Yeah, my buddy had one of those, man.

It was a total chick magnet.

Yeah, my friend can't afford it anymore.

- Why?
- Ah, the idiot's getting a divorce.

Well, maybe his wife wants it.

Tell her it's a chick magnet.

How'd you know that's why
he's getting a divorce?

Okay, so, we need another
buyer. Um, uh, okay,

my brother-in-law always
wanted a '67 Valiant.

Keep looking.

A '67 Valiant?

That went out of style in '66.

Hey, how 'bout a Karmann Ghia?

A little sports car could be nice.

We just finished a Corvair, man.

I want something with a
little more meat on its bones.

Okay, okay, okay. I'm
sensing a problem here.

See, we couldn't agree
on a-a business name,

a logo or the best James Bond.

The answer's obvious.

Timothy Dalton.

This is exactly why we need
to put someone in charge.

You know, to make decisions.

Oh, not me. I-I...

Too much stress on me.
I don't want to do it.

Well, that only leaves one person.

Joe.

Joe?

I hope you mean Joe Biden,

'cause I'd hate that a little bit less.

Come on, guys. I can handle it.

Hey, you try putting six cats
on the same feeding schedule.

Listen, Joe may not know science,

history, logic...

grammar or social cues...

... but he does know cars.

Come on, guys. I got motor
oil in my veins, all right?

I-It's really just
high cholesterol, but...

Look, fine. Have at it. It's yours.

As Goldfinger said so aptly,

"No, Mr. Bond.

I expect you to die".

Hang on.

If I'm the boss, there's gonna
be some changes here, okay?

First, we're all getting satin jackets.

I'm not wearing a satin jacket.

We're not gonna wear 'em.

And, second, I'd like
to be addressed as "sir".

Come on, Joe.

We're all in this to have fun.

Whoa, whoa, what's with this "Joe"?

I think the word you're
looking for is "sir".

It's not the word I'm looking for.

Mike, why is Joe wearing a tie?

Because, technically,

he's the boss of our new endeavor.

Why is it a Christmas tie?

He's probably just got the one,

and he wants to make sure
everybody knows who's in charge.

Ah, leadership.

Yeah, it's a heady cocktail.

Long hours, lazy workers, huh?

I miss it.

I just want to work on cars, right?

I don't want to take orders from Joe.

I'm not one of his cats.

You know, when you're the boss,

Joe's a pain in your ass,

so why don't you return the favor?

Well, how would that help anybody?

Well, you like to annoy people, right?

Sure. Who doesn't?

The nice.

And since you're not,

this might be a good way to
put the fun back into this.

I like it.

It's better than my murder plan.

- That requires an alibi.
- Well...

This a good time for a meeting, Baxter?

Doesn't matter. A good time
is when the boss says it is.

And, right now, he ain't the boss.

Happy holidays.

Sure, a good time for a
meeting. This is great.

I'm here to serve, boss.

Oh. Well, you got a new attitude.

That's scary.

Now, I looked up how to
start a business, okay?

And we need a website

- and a license.
- Whoa.

That's a... that's a
lot of business jargon.

Can you dumb that down a little bit?

Well, there's a lot to do. Uh, Chuck,

- you're in computers...
- You just said "urine".

He said "urine".

Can we cut the chitchat?

I'm trying to run a meeting here.

Well, I guess I could take
a crack at the website.

You just said "crack".

If you're looking for cocktail onions,

they're in the pantry.

Don't even say those words to me.

We went to three stores
to find the kind you like.

We thought you had a craving.

That was then.

Today, I'm feeling a brick of feta.

You broke my husband.

Oh, Mandy, you know what,
you were tricking him.

It's not healthy.

Screw healthy. We were happy.

That's because Kyle is always happy.

Yeah, well, that's one of
the reasons I married him.

I don't have to work to make him happy.

He came that way.

Are you eating olives and whipped cream?

What am I supposed to do?

There's no feta!

Anyway, thanks a lot, Mom.

Now I have to do my laundry,

and some slob left
it all over the floor.

Mandy, remember I told you

my parents had a chore list also?

Yeah, yeah. That's
because, in every culture,

marriage is about work and
shared responsibilities.

I mean, that's-that's
what you were gonna say.

Right, Jen?

No.

My mother loved flowers.

She grew roses in her garden.

And even though my father
didn't care about flowers,

he had to prune them and clip one

for the dinner table every night.

After my mother died,

my father continued
to maintain her garden.

So I asked him why he
still did this chore.

And he said,

"It was never a chore.

It was my gift to your mother.

And now that she's gone, I
can still give her this gift.

It keeps her close to me".

I know I'm really hormonal,

but we're all about to
burst into tears, right?

That was beautiful.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna go home and give Kyle the gift

of actually doing my chores.

S-So, Jen,

when you do chores for me,

do you consider it a gift?

Guess we'll find out when you're dead.

There he is,

my favorite flunky.

There he is, my new pinhead boss.

What's up, Joe?

- I got an announcement, okay?
- Okay.

I'm quitting our car business.

Come on. I bust your balls
a little bit yesterday,

now you want to quit?

What are you, a snowflake?

I always knew you were a flake, but...

not a snowflake. Come on.

I'm not quitting because of
your pathetic little jokes,

you egomaniac.

I'm just sick of this boss stuff.

Well, kind of goes with
the satin jacket, Joe.

Look, I don't want to
deal with tax documents

and websites and all
that other crap, okay?

I just want to work on cars.

Look, you might
not believe this, Baxter,

but I don't... I don't
have a lot of friends.

I'll take your word for it.

I'm just uncomfortable
around people, okay?

When a car's around, somehow,
it-it's easier for me.

It's a-actually fun, you know?

Look, I know that probably
sounds weird to you.

No.

That doesn't sound weird to me.

I mean, being boss just takes

- all the fun out of it.
- Yeah.

That's why I didn't want to do it.

I know Larabee feels the same, too.

So who's gonna be the boss?

Vanessa.

W...

I got an idea.

I got a good idea.

Excuse me for a minute.

- Ed. Ed, listen, um...
- Yeah?

... what do you know about cars?

I know how to buy a
new one when they break.

Okay. I'd like to nominate Ed

to be the boss of our new endeavor.

- Oh. Hell yeah.
- No, no, no.

- That's a great idea.
- No.

No, no, no, no. I don't
know anything about engines.

No, no, no.

You don't have to know
anything about engines.

You said that being a boss is a...

- heady cocktail, right?
- Yeah.

Well, how would you like to be...

our bartender?

- I accept your nomination.
- Ah.

All right. Prepare to be over-served.

Well, all those in favor of Ed
being our new boss say "aye".

- Oh. Aye, man.
- Aye.

- It's unanimous. You're the skipper.
- All right. Good.

- And you're gonna need this.
- Oh.

I'm humbled by your
faith in me, gentlemen.

All right, first order of business,

pain in the ass flows one way:

from me to you.

All right? All right.

Now that that's settled, uh,
you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm on my way to create a
new folder on my desktop.

I'm gonna need that back

on Easter and my mom's birthday.

I got some cop buddies to
let us into the impound lot.

Let's go down there
and check out the cars.

- Sounds like fun.
- Mm.

I don't like that impound lot.

They got too many dogs there.

Well, Joe smells like cats.

He goes in first.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Talking about the
importance of friendship.

Maybe it doesn't come easily for you.

Maybe you're shy or awkward

or you're like me and you
really just don't like people.

Okay, what you need to
do is find common ground

that makes other folks bearable.

FDR and Uncle Joe Stalin
didn't have much to talk about

at the 1945 Yalta Conference.

You see, one of 'em liked martinis.

The other preferred Molotov cocktails.

Until Frankie realized,

"Hey, Joey, you like stealing property.

I like taxes.

We're both commie bastards!"

The New Kids on the Block
had their differences,

but they were always
able to put 'em aside,

come together in a studio and record

some of the worst
songs in music history.

Yeah, we may have more that
divides us than unites us,

but, luckily, it only takes
one thing to draw us together.

Now, I understand... believe me...

how hard it can be
sharing something you love

with someone you don't.

I do it every April 15.

But unlike having your
hard-earned money confiscated,

forging friendships can
actually help you live longer.

And if my motivation is
keeping those bastards

from collecting their death tax,

hell, I might just live forever.

Baxter out.