Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 15 - Arrest Her Development - full transcript

Hey. I thought
you left for work.

I'm going in late today.
I got to stop by the pot shop

to go over these P&Ls with Ryan.

I always forget that place
is just like any other business.

Yeah, I get reminded of that
when I see that Purple Urkel

is outselling Hawaii Five-Yo.

I remember
when it was all just called

"whatever Jill's boyfriend has."

Uh, so you will like this:

Mandy and Kyle are looking
at apartments today.

You know, they say a man
should never dance



unless he's being shot at,
but this is a special occasion.

Did you hear that?
Like a snap or something.

Dramatic announcement.

We have found the perfect apartment

and are probably moving out.

Darn it.

Hey, cheer up.
This place is close enough

we can still carpool.

D-Darn it.

Well, anyway, I got to get going.

I'm going by the pot shop.
Honey, you need anything?

Tray pack, nickel bag,
anything like that?

I've got, uh, Purple Urkel.

We got Squeeze Top Honey Bear
or, uh, Lazy Susan?



Uh, you're just naming things
that are on the table.

Actually, Squeeze Top Honey Bear
was my college band.

And I have smoked
a lot of Lazy Susan.

So, tell me about this place.

Oh, yeah. Uh, okay,
it's a two-bedroom apartment.

Cranmer Park, south-facing,
central heating, but no pets.

Yeah, it's perfect
except for the no pets.

We were gonna get a cat, because
Kyle has a laser pointer.

Pew, pew, pew, pew,
pew, pew, pew, pew!

Uh, well, is there parking?
Does it cost extra?

Mm, don't know, don't care.
There's a shared hot tub.

Okay, uh, you know what?
Maybe I should go with you guys.

It might be good to have
someone with experience

to help guide you along.

Oh, cooking classes
and helping with apartments.

You're the best mom I've ever had.

Well, your dad and I
have shopped for our share

of apartments, so I do know
the do's and don'ts.

Like do examine the bathroom,
don't use the bathroom.

Okay, I'll be right back.

I loved everything about that place.

The closets, the porch...

Yeah, and that-that little
hidden ironing board

that comes right out of the wall?

Probably from a time
when ironing was illegal.

You're moving out? Is this house
too beautiful and free for you?

Uh, well, they filled in
an application,

but there were a lot
of other people looking,

so we're-we're not gonna
get our hopes up.

Well, yeah,
but the guy really liked us.

And he laughed so hard
when Kyle asked

why there was a diving board
coming out of the wall.

Yeah, it was a funny joke by me.

I bet everyone who lives there

will call you
that cool young couple upstairs.

No, they'll-they'll
know our names, Jen.

They'll be right there
on the mailbox.

Sorry, gender-neutral box.

And I'm so glad you came along, Mom.

I didn't realize there were
so many things to ask about.

Well, it's important to know
if there's a diner nearby.

Does the Thai place deliver?
Is the Italian any good?

Yeah, I-I guess I should
have eaten before we went.

Well, now that we know what
we need in the new place,

let's go sort through
our wedding gifts.

Oh. I hope no one gave us food.

Congratulations, you found
your daughter a beautiful home.

The place she will care for you
when you are dying.

Well, it was nice,
but not deathbed nice.

Mandy and Kyle have never looked
for an apartment before.

They were only paying attention
to the good things.

Oh, what a horrible way
to look at life.

Hello? Oh, yes,
I'm their reference.

Sure, I'd be happy
to answer any questions.

Uh, but, uh, let me just ask you
a quick thing first.

Uh, the back staircase is rickety.

I'm sure you have plans
to rebuild it. Oh, no.

No, no, that is your responsibility.

Oh, and the lights flicker.

You'll need to have
the wiring checked

and-and possibly replaced. Hmm?

Does-doesn't even make sense.

Why would I have my wiring checked?

Hello? Hello?

Oh. Hung up.

Well, that may not hurt
their chances.

Maybe everybody else's reference
comes off

like an injury attorney.

I was only asking
the questions they didn't.

Look, if the landlord
can't handle those,

then he's not someone
you want to rent from.

Hey, a wedding gift
I completely forgot about.

An iron.

This place is so meant to be.

Let me guess.

Is there a Snoop Dogg concert
tonight?

Uh, there was last week.
They missed it.

I don't have the heart to tell them.

Thanks for coming.
I need your opinion.

Who doesn't?
So what's on your mind?

Well, you saw in the P&L statement

that Bud's Buds
is having a good year.

- Yeah, congratulations.
- Thank you.

And I have an idea
on what to do with the profits.

Oh, boy, here we go.

What's on your mind, comrade?

I want to renovate
the upstairs storage area

and turn it into more retail space.

Wait just a minute.

That's not a dumb idea.

- I know.
- No, I was expecting a dumb idea.

- I know. Surprise.
- Wait.

Let me get my head around this.

You want to take your profits

and pour them back
into your business to expand.

There's a word for that.

Capitalism.

Which makes you a capitalist.

- No. That makes me a businessman.
- Yeah.

- Mm-mm.
- And-and not all businessmen...

I am a good person.

Yeah. But in time,
you'll be wearing a monocle

and one of those big stove pipe hats.

O-Okay.
But by growing the business,

I am creating more jobs,

which helps my employees
and the community.

Hmm. You know what
I'm hearing right now?

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
capitalist."

You know, "sorry about the mess,

"but the maid died carrying all
my gold bricks into the parlor.

"Why don't you stop by for a game

- "of gin rummy at the club?
- Okay.

"We'll have some, uh, lime rickeys

"or a gin and tonic.

Ta-ta, everybody!"

No. No, no,
that was definitely mold.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I am a scientist,

which brings me to the calcium
buildup in your pipe.

H-Hello? Hello? Hello?

I wonder if landlords have
a message board

where they talk about you.

I was just raising
legitimate safety concerns.

I see.

Did you know, in the 1800s,
French workers disrupted

their own factories
to undermine their bosses?

These workers wore wooden shoes
called sabots,

which is how we got
the word "sabotage."

I see what you're getting at.

And what I was doing
was not sabotage.

I was simply looking out
for my daughter.

Of course, Vanessa.

And I was just simply sharing an
interesting fact from history.

- Sabotage.
- Hey.

Oh, hey.

Uh, so, um,
how's the apartment hunt going?

It's going bad. "Badly"?

It's going terrible. "Terribly"?

It ain't good.

Yeah.

We got rejected
from every place we applied.

Oh. Really? Shoot.

Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

Yeah, at first,
I thought it was my fault.

You know, people find goatees
untrustworthy.

Thanks a lot, Disney villains
and every picture of the devil.

But then we were like, "No,
something else is going on."

And that's when we figured it out.

Did you know, in the 1800s,
French work...

Nobody likes history, Jen.

See, we were only looking
at really nice apartments.

Places with amenities
like a doorman or a gym.

Or a doorman named Jim.

Uh, and these places were desirable,

so of course they were going
to be super competitive.

But what we need is a place
that's less desirable.

- What? No, w-wait. No, no, no.
- So we went to look

at these apartments, and guess what.

They were super excited to take
our application.

Yeah, honey, that-that's because
these places are all dumps.

Yes, exactly. Which means
they won't turn us down.

I-I think some
of these apartments

even rent by the hour.

Mom, this is just a starter place.

How long do you think
we'll actually be there?

Three, four thousand hours?

All right. Come on, Mandy.

We should keep looking
while it's still light.

We do not want to be in those
neighborhoods after dark.

I got to make some calls.

This is happening over my dead body.

And these are the stories
my father doesn't believe

when I write home.

Hello, Mother.

Mother. It's never good
when they use your full name.

You stabbed me in the back.

You called every one
of those landlords

and complained about how
everything had broken down.

Dad's got a bum knee,
you gonna throw him out, too?

No, honey. No, I'm sorry.
Look, I-I just didn't want

your apartment hunt to turn
into another pork chop incident.

How dare you throw
that back in my face.

You know it's where
it hit me the first time.

Mandy, Mandy, wait, I just...

I-I just want you
and Kyle to be safe.

Yeah, Mom, that's not your job.
I'm not a little girl anymore.

My God, I am six feet tall.

Yeah, I know. I know,
and at that last place,

if I hadn't stopped you,
that ceiling fan

would've chopped your head right off.

You think Kyle and I can't
get by without you and Dad.

- No, that's not it. No...
- Yes, it is, yes.

Y-You think that we're just
these helpless,

- pathetic, beautiful children.
- Mandy.

Honey, no, I know
you're not children.

Then stop treating us like one.

Like two. Like both?

We ain't children.

Thanks for the chat, Mike.

This is A.A.6.R.A.
Clear in seven three.

This is K.A.0.X.T.T.
Seven three.

Oh, look at that.

My favorite capitalist.

Nice boots. Perfect for jumping
on the back of the proletariat.

They're fair trade
faux leather boots, Mike.

And unlike your comments,
cruelty-free.

- Can we talk business now?
- Yep, time is money, and I know

- how you love money.
- Can you just sign these papers?

I need your authorizations
on the applications.

- I already signed these.
- No. These are different.

You signed the authorizations
to get the applications.

These are supplemental clearances

specific to marijuana businesses.

Boy, what a headache.

But I'm sure you've got
a product for that.

I'm drowning in codes
and regulations and ordinances.

Not to mention
all-all these fees.

Yeah. I know, it's ridiculous.
I mean, how does the government

think they know more
about my business than I do?

I think what you're asking for
is smaller government.

No. I just want less red tape.

Like I said, smaller government.

- Huh? Ah? Ah?
- No, I...

Huh?

Damn it.

Surprise!

Listen.
First, you're a capitalist.

Now you're griping
about government overreach.

Pretty soon, you'll be invited
to a little party.

Don't say it.

The mascot's an elephant.

Oh, my God.

Hey, babe. What?
We going to lunch?

Oh, and have people
wait on us? No!

Are you having fun?

More fun than playing polo
and slapping the help.

Thank you for bringing
my lunch, dolly.

Mm-hmm. You know, uh,

this is really torturing him.
Can you just cut him a break?

You kidding? He's been
giving me grief for years

for being a corporate monster.

This is payback, with interest,
because I'm a great businessman.

- Exactly. Yes.
- Right, right.

You built Outdoor Man
into a huge chain and...

- Perfect.
- ...never once stopped caring

for every single employee.

You run your business with integrity.

Oh, man.

Going after my ego, aren't you?

- Mm.
- You're out for blood.

You are also a great father

and don't like seeing
your daughter unhappy,

so I know that you'll
do the right thing

and explain to Ryan that he can be

a-a great,
successful businessman

without turning
into the Monopoly guy.

- Hmm?
- Fine.

- I'll tell him.
- Okay.

While I'm hunting humans
on my private island.

Man, the most dangerous prey.

So, I've been thinking about this...

unpleasantness with Mandy.

And I think it's important
to remember

you had good intentions.

Aw, thanks, Jen. I'll, uh...
I'll try to hold on to that.

What I mean is, they say,

"The road to hell
is paved with good intentions."

And they are right.

I love that we are getting
comfortable enough

with each other
that I can tell you to get out.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi, hi.

Mm. How are you doing?

- Not great.
- Oh?

- No. Mm.
- What's up?

Mandy and I had a disagreement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I did hear about that.

She texted me all about it,

but autocorrect
wouldn't let her swear.

Well, she's overreacting.

I mean, I was being a good mom
by trying to make sure

any place they found was safe.

Jen was just complimenting
my intentions.

Well, we certainly
wouldn't want them moving

into a horrible place
next to a liquor store

with no heat
and bikers living upstairs.

That was our first place.

The one on Leetsdale. Yeah.

An apartment so bad
they gave us a security deposit.

Listen, uh, we liked that place,
at least for one reason, right?

We kept saying to each other,

"We've got to get out
of this place." Right?

Listen, and we did, we got out
of that place, we moved on.

I don't want Mandy living
in a place like that.

I'm not as comfortable as you are

with letting our kids take risks.

I'm not comfortable
with them taking risks,

but that's why we had three.

This is not helping.

Okay. How about this?

Let's say we can find
the safest place in Denver,

I mean 100% safe, even if we had
to kick in some rent.

Well, uh, no, how are we
gonna find that? Uh...

Even if we could do that,

do you think that's the answer
to this problem?

Hey, dude.

Downstairs, they said
the real dope is upstairs.

I think the real dope
just walked in the door. Hey-o!

Listen,
I got a little bad news for you.

Well, I'm already a capitalist
and a Republican.

What, did you found out
that I'm related to Ted Cruz?

He is Canadian.

No, I got a notice from the city,

and your clearances
were rejected. Sorry.

Yeah.
Well, doesn't matter anyway,

because I'd have to do
so many upgrades to comply

with city code that I would
never get any of my money back,

and seeing as how money
is the only thing

that matters to me now,
it's a no-go.

Oh, you're really getting worked
up about this, aren't you?

'Cause I don't know
who I am anymore, Mike.

Right there. Calm down.

I used to care about people, okay?

And now all I care about
is moolah, scratch,

dinero, the cheddar.

You must like it 'cause you got
a lot of pet names for it.

Okay, uh, listen, there might be
another way to go.

You could go ahead
and do the expansion,

and just, uh, take your chances, huh?

No, I can't. That's illegal.

Only if you get caught.

And what's the worst
that could happen?

They would pull my permit
and all my employees

would be out of work,
and I'm not gonna do that.

Because you care about employees.

Yes. You're right. I care.

They're my employees, and I am
gonna take care of them.

So you're not the Monopoly man.
Okay? Not all businessmen are.

You know, it's possible to make money

and still have a conscience.

Yeah, but for so long I thought
the two were mutually exclusive.

That's because for so long
you just had one of those.

Caring only about profits
is the easy way,

but you've never done
anything the easy way.

I think that's a compliment.

Listen, there might be a way

to make money on this space
and still help people.

Okay. How?

Well, this whole block here
is zoned live-work,

and this used to be an apartment.

Do you think someone
wants to live up here?

I think I might know a young couple

that's looking
for a little fixer-upper.

Yeah, well, it would be nice
to do somebody some good.

- Yeah.
- And I could charge

a little bit less
than fair market value,

and I don't even care
if the rent's a little late

because, like, I'm a cool landlord.

You're a cool landlord.

And a capitalist.

Maybe. But, you know,

you're showing an awful lot
of concern for the little guy,

the needy, the disadvantaged.
You know what that makes you?

Late for my shareholder meeting.

Mascot's a donkey.

Looks like a jackass to me.

With a little work,

there's plenty of room
for all your equipment.

I mean, the rent's right,
and I'm... I think your landlord

probably self-imposed
rent control.

So, what do you think?

I don't know, Dad.

We were looking
for someplace that's safer.

You, uh, have anything
in a plastic bubble?

Mandy, I think you should take it.

- You mean it?
- I do, I do,

and I'm happy for both of you.

Excuse me.

She didn't seem very happy.

I'd better talk to her.

No, babe.

I'll handle it.

A plastic bubble might be fun.

Hamsters always seem happy.

Mom?

I... No, I was checking e-mail.
I swear I wasn't calling anyone.

Look, I just wanted to make sure
you're okay with this.

Mandy, come here.
Sit down, sit down.

Honey, I owe you an apology.

I-I shouldn't have interfered
the way I did

in your apartment hunt.

No, you shouldn't have.
I'm not a kid anymore.

No, you're an adult, and, um...

and that's really been my problem.

What do you mean?

I-I-I always knew that one day
you would move out.

I-I was prepared for that,
as your mother,

but then this past year
we spent all this time together.

And you are this terrific,
terrific person,

and I have loved
hanging out with you.

I-I feel like we've become
more than mother and daughter.

We've become, uh...

- We've become friends.
- Friends.

Yeah. Yeah, really,
really good friends.

It's just...

it's hard for me
to watch you go. It's...

I love hanging out with you, too.

Okay? And I'm not gonna
let that go

just because I live somewhere else.

- Mm, well, I hope not.
- No.

Besides, you're gonna be
at my place all the time.

Yeah.

You're gonna be putting in
shelf paper

and organizing the spices and...

everything else
that I need my mommy for.

Oh, you better believe I'll be there.

I mean, um, is-is that
gonna be okay?

Yeah, more than okay.

Better than okay?

We cool.

Um, is it okay if I ask Ryan
if he's checked for radon?

Mom.

Yeah, right, right, right, no.

That's, um...
that's why we had three.

What?

Uh... just something
your dad said.

Okay, now, as soon as
the chicken breasts are brown,

- then you flip them.
- Yeah, I can't do that.

- I think it moved.
- Oh, no, no, no. It didn't move.

It didn't move. You can do it,
you can do it. Listen. Honey.

Forget about the pork chop fiasco.

- Okay.
- Okay, just-just-just do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm flipping the chicken.

Okay. All right, okay.

- I did it!
- You did it! Yay!

All right, all right, all right,
now pour on the sauce.

- No, I'm afraid to.
- Yeah. No, look, look, look,

it's not gonna burst into flames.

That's the mistake we made
with the tequila chicken.

- Just pour it on, pour it on.
- Okay, okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- Good. There you go.

All right, all right.
Here. Okay.

Cover the pan, and, uh, voilà.

- 15 minutes, you have dinner.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, how do we know
when 15 minutes is up?

Do we have a timer?

Well, in a way, uh,
15 minutes is, hmm,

give or take, half a glass of wine.

Well, wouldn't that depend
on the size of the glass

- and how big the minutes are?
- Honey. Drink the wine.