Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 12 - Cabin Pressure - full transcript

- Hey!
- Oh!

- Is that baked ziti?
- Yeah.

Hope that's for us and not that
crybaby widower from church.

No, it's for us, but I will let
sweet Mr. Nelson know

you are sorry for his loss.
(Chuckles)

(Mike grunts)

This looks great.
Well, whatever you tell him,

just... this stays here.

Well, this is for our
romantic weekend at the cabin.

- Yeah.
- It's a little something

I like to call
"Sex and the Ziti."



Oh.

You gonna do the puns
all weekend, huh?

Oh, yeah, it's "pastable."
(Laughs)

- I'm looking forward to this.
- Mmm. Me, too.

(Gags)

Parental displays
of affection. Gross.

Surprised you guys
are still going to the cabin

with Eve coming home for the weekend.

- What? No, Eve's not coming home.
- Not this weekend.

Uh, yes, she is.
She posted about it.

Uh, "After another perfect week
at the Academy,

"heading home for some R&R with fam.

Hashtag work hard play hard.
Hashtag best life."

Give me. Look at this.
This is weird.



She's even posted a picture
of that basketball game

- I took her to last weekend.
- Let me see.

Oh. "Loving life with Dad
at the Falcons game.

Hashtag family.
Hashtag best life."

Ugh. She leans pretty hard

- on that "best life" thing.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's weird
'cause we really didn't have

that good a time
at the basketball game.

Yeah, duh, she wouldn't
actually post that.

You may know about
"rack-and-onion steering,"

but you have a lot to learn
about social media.

Look, I don't drive a vegetable,
I drive a car.

Rack-and-pinion steering.

(Laughs) Yeah, that doesn't
make any sense.

You know, I remember,
when you came back

from that game, you said
something seemed off with Eve.

I couldn't get
any information out of her.

The best fun I had at that thing
was eating those three churros.

Three? You said it was four.

Okay, it was...

Actually, uh, five.

But like Olympic scoring, I-I-I
take out the high and the low,

so...

- it was three.
- (Door slams)

(Groans)

- Hey.
- Oh. Hey.

I didn't know you guys
would still be here.

And we didn't know
you'd be coming here.

Look at us not knowing
what's going on with each other.

- Huh.
- You, uh, you all right?

Yeah, um, I'm gonna go take
a nap. Have fun at the cabin.

Oh, you're right. She's, uh,
she's not saying anything.

Nope.

Now I see why you ate five churros.

It was, uh, actually six.

If you, if you can eat five in a row,

they'll give you one free.

- Morning.
- Hey, good morning.

- Where are you guys headed?
- Outdoor Man.

I'm going to shadow Kyle
for a school assignment.

I am so excited.

Yeah. Who knew a shadow
could be so fun.

Not just a demon who
follows you on the ground

when the sun is out.

All right, go.
Have fun. Bye, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, hold on there for a second.

- Huh?
- Come-come talk to me.

Uh... Dad, a little help?

I already gave it a shot.
You two are on your own.

- Okay.
- Okay. Here you go.

Now that it's just us gals,

let's get ready to talk
about some feelings.

Well, I was feeling thirsty,

so I went to the kitchen
for some water,

and now I'm feeling

like I want to turn
the experience into a novel.

No. No, no. Come on.
You seem kind of down.

And-and then you just come home
like this out of the blue.

Mm, can't a girl just come home?

Well, sure, but you don't.

Okay, this is why
I wanted to come home

while you two were gone.

You just try to dig into my problems.

But, so there's a problem?
Talk to me. What is it?

- No, there's not...
- Let me try to help.

There's not a problem,
and if there was,

I-I don't have to share
every little thing

in my life with my parents.

How'd that go?

I don't have to share
every little thing

she tells me with you.

All right, we'll start
in Mr. B's office.

I usually like to pop in
and say, "Howdy-do,"

and he says, "Get out, Kyle."

And then the day begins.

This is so... professional.

Should I call you Mr. Anderson?

Oh, please, Mr. Anderson
was my father.

Except when he was running
a horse doping scam

out of Nashville.

Then he was just Bobby Syringe.

So, should we move
to the sales floor?

Uh, Kyle, I know you're
super important around here.

I like you. Young people get me.

But because you're so busy,
I don't want to get in your way,

so I'll just set up over here,
and you have a great day.

Set up? What are you
talking about?

Don't worry.

I brought enough books
to keep me occupied for the day.

Oh, also, could you sign this
for my teacher?

Uh, but this says that
we spent the whole day

learning about the retail business.

Kyle...

when you started in Human Resources,

what did you study?

Oh, the HR manual, cover to cover.

Including the covers.

Right, and wouldn't it
have been weird

if they made you study engineering?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Although, I do love trains.

(Chuckles) So you agree
it's a waste of time

for me to learn about something
I am never going to do.

Maybe, uh, but unless you shadow me,

it just doesn't feel right
to sign this.

I understand.

Totally unrelated,
could I get your autograph?

Hey, what's up?

Oh, nothing, just hanging out.
Want to join me?

Yeah.

- Hey, guys.
- Mmm. Hey, Kristin.

- Hey, Boyd. Hey, Ryan.
- Oh.

No, uh, they're not with me.

Where are they?

They are on their way to Canada,

so I thought I'd come over
and spend some quality time

- with my little sisters.
- Oh, cool, have a seat.

Uh, how's the Academy going, Eve?

- Oh, you tell me.
- (Phone chimes)

Oh, my God, you're covered in mud.

Yeah, we just finished
an obstacle course.

I took first place.

Okay, so when you rinsed it off,
was your skin smoother?

I've been considering that.

(Coughs)

Guys, look, your sister's here.

Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.

Just me.

(Laughs) Do you guys follow
The Real Megan?

Oh, yes.
She's blowing up right now.

Oh, my God,
look at how cute her dog is.

Oh, so cute.

Listen, you know,
you guys are in the same room.

You don't need to bounce signals
off satellites.

(Phone chimes)

You're right, that's so Dad.

- Kris showed up with her phone.
- Oh, good.

Maybe Eve will tell
her sisters what's going on.

Not unless Megan's dog
has it written on its hoodie.

All right, well,

I got everything
packed up for the cabin.

Uh, can you think of
anything else we might need?

As a matter of fact, three things.

- Yeah.
- Ding one, ding two,
and ding three.

Hey, listen, guys, uh,
we're gonna head to the cabin.

- Does anybody else
want to go with us?
- Mandy: Uh, no thanks.

I was gonna get tapas
with my friends.

We like to pretend the little
plates are normal-sized

and we're giants.

Yeah, uh, Ryan and Boyd
are in Canada,

so I'm gonna do
absolutely nothing. (Chuckles)

Believe me, when you have
a husband and a 12-year-old boy,

doing nothing is everything.

Yeah, if they're not going,
I'm not going.

I'm quiet, and you guys
are not discreet.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, no, we get it, we get it.

I mean, your dad and I go there
to unplug, enjoy nature,

and, you know, I guess you guys
just aren't into that.

Yeah, you can't leave
your little toys.

What is that supposed to mean?

We don't mean it as an insult.
It's just that,

uh, you know, studies have shown
that your generation

just can't live without
your little gadgets.

(Laughs) Studies have shown
that your generation

ruined the environment.

Yeah, and, you know,
we-we love our gadgets,

but we don't need them.

They're like parents.

If you don't need them, prove it.

- Yeah.
- Come to the cabin with us.

Hey, hey, hey, I don't need
to miss out on tiny tapas

just to prove something
to you I already know.

How about I make it more interesting?

You guys come to the cabin
this weekend,

I'll pay each one of you 500 bucks.

Keep talking.

- Under one condition.
- Stop talking.

You come to the cabin with us

and you don't look at your
screens for the whole weekend.

Piece of cake.
I'm a disciplined member

of this country's
armed services, and I'm broke.

Yeah, and I'm telling Boyd to
put down his phone all the time.

I'm not crazy enough
to offer him 500 bucks,

but since you are...

Mandy?

Yeah, I'm in. I'm just
getting it out of my system.

Just to be clear, any one of you
break, the deal is done, okay?

Deal. But we don't take Mandy.

Kristin:
Yeah, no.

- What?
- All right, fine, fine.

I'll turn it off.

Uh, I don't have any idea
how to do that.

- (Knocks)
- Hey, Mr. Alzate.

I'm busy, Kyle.
Make it quick.

Oh, uh, okay, uh, you know, I
don't need to bother you, then.

No, come in, come in.
I'm not busy. Come in.

It just seemed rude to say,
"Make it quick," without saying,

"I'm busy," that's all.

What's up? What's up?

Okay, um...
(Clears throat)

If you know someone is using you
to get away with something,

and you know what
they're doing is wrong,

but they're not a bad person...

Sooner or later you have to
finish a sentence, Kyle.

Uh, yeah, right, okay.

So, you know, Jen is
supposed to be shadowing me,

but she isn't,
and now she wants me to sign

a piece of paper that says she did.

You don't have to sign it.
You don't have to sign that.

(Sighs) Thank you.
It just felt wrong.

- I signed it.
- What?

She came in with a piece
of paper... yakety-yak...

asked me to sign it...
yakety-yak... I did.

Well, did you even read it?

I didn't have to.
She's a nice kid.

I had a pen.
It all worked out.

So, what-what's your problem?

That she's getting credit
for something she didn't do.

Come on, now. Come on.

That happens all the time.

What, you think George Foreman
invented that grill?

Huh? The man got punched
in the head by Muhammad Ali.

- (Chuckles)
- It just seems wrong, you know.

- That's all.
- All right, look at it this way.

- She's here to learn
about America, right?
- Yes.

What's more American
than gaming the system?

- I guess, but it kind of feels
like she should have...
-(Chuckles)

(Rapid clicking)

Do you have to click that pen?!

Is it making it hard for you
to look at the pictures?

Kristin:
Guys,

don't snap at each other.

We are here to relax.

Hey, hey. Hi.

You girls having fun together?

- Oh, yeah, best time ever.
- Yeah. Oh.
-Yeah, fine.

So, uh, how you doing without
your, without your phones?

- Oh, easy.
- So...
-No problem.

- Killing it.
- Good, good.

- Yeah.
- Well, good. Enjoy yourselves.

(Eve sighs)

Did you just hear her?
I can't believe those two

thought we wouldn't be able
to last the weekend

- without our phones.
- Yeah. (Chuckles)

This is gonna be the easiest
money I have ever made.

And I once played poker with Kyle.

Yeah, it's so easy.

Yes, who needs their stupid phones?

You know, the stereotype that
our generation is always glued

to our phones, our devices,
it's so ridiculous.

You know what it is?
It's ageist.

Yeah, it's just like old people
to be ageist.

Where are you going?

I was just gonna clear my mind,
get some fresh air,

read the newspaper.

- Give me that. Give me.
- No. What are you doing?

What are you doing?
I'm just gonna relax

- and read the local obituaries.
- Give me that. Give me that.

(Eve gasps, Kristin shouts)

- R-Really, Mandy?
- You almost cost me 500 bucks.

It's not worth it.
I'm in hell.

It's been 20 minutes.

Well, how would I know that?
I don't have my phone.

- Whoa. Hey.
- Wait, no, no, no. G-Give me.

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Give me your...

Get it together, Mandy!

You are better than this.

EVE:
Hey.

- Hit her again!
- Don't.

No, no, no, no, no! Okay.

Okay. Look.

(Panting) I'm sorry.

Got a little crazy there. Whew.

- Just relax.
- (Kristin sighs)

Let's just go back to
what we were doing originally.

Yeah. We can do this, guys,
if we just stick together. Okay?

Yeah. Fine.

Yeah.

I'll just, uh, do what people
did in the "olden days."

Stare at the ceiling till I die.

Come on.
This will just take a second.

(Speaking Mandarin)

Okay, I don't know
what any of that means,

but I bet a few of them
were curse words.

Well, I counted three.
What's up?

- All right,
I've made a decision.
- Hmm.

Jen's assignment was to shadow
a representative of Outdoor Man.

- ED: Mm-hmm.
- And that's exactly
what she's gonna do.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, come on, man.

Mr. Alzate, you're the boss.
Can't you just fire him?

You just follow him around
for a few hours.

You might learn a few things.
What's the harm?

Well, as much as I would love
to show Jen around,

which would've been fun...
that's right,

there were prizes
hidden everywhere...

I can't, because I'm not
the one who signed the paper.

Watch yourself.

So, Mr. Alzate will be
your shadow, uh, caster or...

maker... no,
your-your shadow guy.

I thought you would
be cool about this.

Oh, I am cool. But you know
what's not cool? Lying.

And the person
who taught me everything

taught me that a man
is only as good as his word.

Well, I have certainly
learned a lesson,

and I can't imagine learning any
more than I already have today.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Jen, just one small thing
before-before you go.

Uh, uh...
(Clears throat)

Brick-and-mortar retail
has long been

the heartbeat
of this country's commerce.

Now, you might want
to take some notes here.

All right, rugged merchants
had set up posts

up and down the rivers and
byways of this country, right?

What are you thinking about, Mandy?

Philosophy.

If you look perfect in the
woods, and can't post a picture,

does it even matter?

Are you doing okay, Eve?

Yeah. You?

No. It hurts.

Yeah, that's good,
'cause I was lying.

I've been feeling
phantom buzzes in my pocket

for the past two hours.

I say we give up, guys.
Let's just admit Dad was right.

We should have realized
he would only offer to pay us

for something he knew we couldn't do.

(Sighs)

Dad?

I just hope the world is still there

when we try to reconnect to it.

Yeah?

Hey.

Why do I get the idea
I'm about to save me some money?

Oh, good.
We thought you would rub it in.

(Sighs) I want to see
pictures of my kid, okay?

And slingshot birds into pigs.

Yeah, you win, Dad. So let's
just say we-we get our phones,

and, how about, uh, like,
200 each, and let's end this.

Okay. To be honest with you,
you guys lasted longer

than I thought you would.
Here you go.

Well, you were right, and we all
know how happy that makes you.

You know what'd actually
make me happy?

If my kids would talk
to each other if one of them

was going through something.

But being right
is clearly always a thrill.

- That was weird.
- Hmm.

"Going through something"?

Anyone know what he's talking about?

O-Okay, fine.
He was talking about me.

You?

Uh, no, I don't think so, Mandy.

Yes, it was me.

(Sighs) When you came home,
he asked if I had talked to you.

I've been having some trouble
with my business lately,

and he knows that talking to you
makes me feel more confident.

Well, I love hearing
that I'm helpful to you,

but I don't think it was you
that he was talking about.

(Kristin sighs)

It wasn't. It was me.

What?

You? Kristin, there are days
I wish I was you.

Except for the Ryan part.

You're a kick-ass woman.

Yeah, well, most days,
it feels like my ass

is the one getting kicked.
(Chuckles)

And when I talk to Dad about it
at work, he just says,

"You know, you should really
let your sisters in on this."

And he's right.

You're lucky to be
down at the Academy.

- You miss all this drama.
- (Kristin chuckles)

Actually, I don't.

There's plenty of stuff
that goes on down there.

And that's why Dad
was talking about me.

- You?
- Like what? W-What's going on?

(Sighs) Well, I came home this
weekend because I didn't want

to sit in my dorm room again
alone on a Friday night.

Well, then you should start dating.

Ooh.

Yeah. You would think, the three
to one male-to-female ratio,

I could meet a guy.

(Chuckles) Honey, do you know
how incredible you are?

How strong?

It is gonna take
one hell of a confident man

to stand alongside that.

But I promise you,
he's out there somewhere.

- And he is frickin' hot.
- (Kristin chuckles)

(Chuckles)

Ah, look at us, talking like sisters.

Yeah. Turns out, there's
actually plenty to talk about.

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, I just realized something.

I think we still get the $500.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

coming to you
over your favorite device,

whether it be a smartphone,
laptop, tablet, or even a watch.

Marshall McLuhan once said,
"We shape our tools,

and thereafter,
our tools shape us."

These days, our tools are
bending us into this shape.

I call it the millennial.

Just look at this slouch right here.

"How you doing?

"Oh, God, look at that.
Is that the sun?

"I ca... I can't see.
I'll just Google the sun.

I'll see it there."

Look, I'm not bashing technology.

I mean, I'd bash it
if I worked at a library,

but technology has given us
unlimited means

to stay in contact with each other.

Look at that.
Texting my brother right there.

"Go Broncos," with a turd emoji.

Yeah.

It's also a great way to learn stuff.

You can go to YouTube
and find a how-to video

to learn how to recover
something you swallowed.

The key is just be patient.

It'll all come out
in the end. That's it.

Anyway, the problem is
when this is the only way

to stay in touch, because
nothing replaces a conversation

with real people, a real experience.

At Outdoor Man,
we don't sell virtual tents

so you can go virtual camping.

With virtual camping, you might
not get eaten by mosquitos,

but you won't get the peace
that comes with being outside.

We want you to take the time
to occasionally put down

your device, pick up some bug
spray, go sit around a campfire

with someone you care about,
swat your arm, and just talk.

Now, Marshall McLuhan also said,

"I don't necessarily agree
with everything I said."

This is where he and I differ.

Go Broncos. Baxter out.