Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Bridezilla vs. The Baxters - full transcript

Uh, yeah,
so, Reverend,

I was looking over the readings
you suggested,

and they're coming off
a little...preachy.

Um, I have some tweaks.

On the Bible?

(chuckles)

Mike, your daughter
wants to rewrite God.

Mandy, let's not get too hung up
on the words.

No one's gonna be listening
to the reverend anyway.

Well, I see
where she gets her charm.

Because everyone
will be looking



at the most beautiful
bride ever.

So beautiful.
Way more beautiful than I was.

You're right.
Thank you.

Um, that's fine.
We can keep them for now.

But these pews -- ew.

They're a little pewy.

Okay. You know --

If it makes God feel any better,
she criticizes my house, too.

I've got a funeral tomorrow,
and I hate to say this,

but I'm actually
looking forward to it.

Big life changes
tend to freak Mandy out

more than most people.

Boy, I remember
preschool.

It was a flood
of hysterical tears.



I'm guessing
from the teacher?

Over the next
couple of days,

I got to fix everything
that might set her off.

It's like defusing a bomb
but not as much fun.

Okay.
But you owe me.

We have a church
canoe expedition,

and we need
a trip leader.

All right.

And canoes.

Okay,
but I'm gonna expect

a little heavier pour
this communion.

You got it?

Hey, Mandy.

Hey, I know you said
you didn't need me here,

but I just want to show you what
me and my best man just got.

Okay, can it wait?

'Cause I'm really busy
right now?

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
he's excited.

Let the young man
speak.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
One sec.

Um, uh, sorry, Reverend,
one quick thing.

During the ceremony,
I'm going to be standing here

so that nobody
can see my bad side,

which isn't really bad.

It's just less good.
See?

Yay.

Nay.

Yay.

Nay.

That's my spot.

So, nay.

Excuse me, Reverend.
Excuse me for a second.

Have you ever read
this passage here,

"Thou shall not
dig in thy heels"?

Okay. Okay.

I can be flexible.

Just like
our new church raft.

Can I show you now?

Yeah, sure.
You got one minute. Mm-hmm.

A whole minute.

Well, Mandy,
when you give,

you give with both hands,
don't you?

Okay. So, Ed and I were at
the mall, picking up our suits.

Mm-hmm. Well, actually, no.
First we got a Jamba Juice.

Oh, and news flash --
I like mango now.

Fine.

Take us home, Kyle.

Right.

Anyway, so, we found the perfect
shoes to wear with our tuxes.

Great.

High tops!

You're speechless.

See, Ed, I told you
she'd love them.

I do not deserve her.

(chuckles)
That's something you say.

Let's leave before
she regains her speech.

-Uh, Mandy, honey.
-Huh?

A-Are you with us?

No. I'm gonna lose it.

Okay, all right.
Don't worry. Don't worry.

Your dad is gonna fix
the whole shoe thing.

My pleasure.
My pleasure.

Looky there,
I just lied in church.

Well, how's
the best-man toast coming?

Not great. No.

Normally, I'd open with a joke
about a wild bachelor party.

But Kyle's was
at Dave & Buster's.

Well, who needs
a topless stripper

when you've got
bottomless tater tots?

Listen, I'm looking for Kyle.
You know where he is?

Mandy doesn't really
want you guys

wearing sneakers
at the wedding.

Uh, the store
won't take them back, Mike.

You know, the kid
jumped in a puddle.

Why are you letting Mandy
act like this?

Because it's
her wedding, Ed.

Weddings are
about the bride, right?

Well, it's Kyle's
wedding, too,

and frankly, you know,
Mandy's behavior

throughout all this
is reminding me of someone.

Oh?

Me.

Well, I can see that.

You both
make me miserable.

All of my relationships,
I was the selfish one.

Over the years, it ruined
each of my marriages.

Right, but Mandy's
not "you" bad.

You know I love her,
but I'm Kyle's best man,

and the sneakers
are very important to him.

You can't let Kyle
wear whatever he wants.

He'll come dressed
like Spider-Man.

He should get
something he wants.

She shot down
all his other ideas,

like having the wedding here
at Outdoor Man.

You know
that Mandy loves Kyle.

Yeah.

She just doesn't
want you guys

wearing clown shoes
at a wedding.

I don't think
it's that big of a deal.

Well, it is to me.

I mean, she's telling him

what to wear, how to act,
when to speak,

and they're not even
married yet.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

I can't be party to something
that I think is wrong.

That's all.

What are you saying?

What I'm saying

is maybe I'm not the best man
to be the best man,

so I relieve myself
of the job.

Okay.
Why don't you just quit?

It's a good thing
we don't work together

'cause that
would be awkward.

Now, I'm going to need
all eyes on me,

so make sure Boyd
doesn't take his sweet time

bringing the rings
down the aisle.

Uh, well,
we can't make any promises.

(stammers) Mm.

I'm sorry, what is --
(stammers)

What is that?

It's -- It's nothing, okay?

Sometimes, Boyd gets
stage fright and freezes.

Like last year's
Christmas pageant

when only two wise men
made it to Jesus.

Yeah. Our little magi
was stuck backstage

with a handful
of myrrh.

Uh, no.
You need to fix this.

I don't have time to cast
another ring bearer, okay?

Ryan, don't you have
some other children somewhere?

Mandy, relax, okay?

I promise that Boyd will make it
down the aisle with the rings.

(sighs)
They say never work with kids,

but he's family, so...

Hey, what are we doing --
No. Mm!

How many times
have I told you --

the tea roses
go around the hydrangeas,

and then you add
a splash of purple.

That's not a splash.
That's a sploosh.

Less sploosh,
more splash.

Thank you.

When do we get to throw rice
at her, and can it be rocks?

Wow! This is how
I pictured my funeral.

Except I want more flowers,
more crying,

and John Elway up here going,
"He was such a stud."

Honey, did you fix
the high-tops problem?

Yes.

Ed won't be wearing high tops
to the wedding.

Oh, see, Mandy?
Dad fixed it.

Because he's not coming
to the wedding.

Ed isn't the best man
anymore?

Mandy, honey, now, I'm sure
everything is gonna be fine.

(chuckles)
Honey, what the hell happened?

You know Ed.

Talked about wearing
black shoes,

we talked about Spider-Man,
and he quit.

Queue Mandy's explosion
in 3, 2, 1...

This is great.

Well,
that was a let-down.

Honestly, I never even
wanted Ed in the ceremony.

MIKE: Oh.

Because the pictures
were all gonna be, like,

all these young people,
and then in the corner,

like, Voldemort,
you know?

You know,
I don't think

Voldemort would come
to your wedding

because he'd be
frightened of you.

I'm going to get
something to drink.

Hey, I got
the baby's breath.

I would've been here
a lot sooner

if someone had told me
it was a flower.

Oh, uh, bad news.

Um, Ed quit.

What?

Yeah, but good news.
You get to pick a new best man.

No. Why would
Mr. Alzate quit?

I don't know.
Weddings make some people crazy.

(chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

-Hey.
-Hey, hi.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, okay.

So, the stationery
store said

this is the only shade of blue
we haven't tried yet

and that they never
want to see me again.

Oh, thanks,
Mr. Larabee.

Ooh, ooh, hey,
have you ever been

the best man
at a wedding?

(sighs)
Lots of times.

Just not officially.

Fabulous.

Kyle here is shopping
for a new best man.

Oh, okay.
(chuckles)

Now, I'd love to be the only
raisin in your wedding oatmeal.

I think I'll pass.

(door closes)

Mandy, I don't think anybody
can replace Mr. Alzate.

What about you, Eve?

You're kind of mannish,
and you don't have the shoulders

to pull off
that bridesmaid dress.

Well, then I won't be
in the wacky

"bridesmaids getting ready"
photos.

-Deal.
-Thank you.

Hey, Dad.
Eve is the new best man.

What -- What?

What?
Are you okay with this?

Whatever makes
Mandy happy.

Aww, thanks, sweetie.

Okay, let's go get her
to the tailor.

Hopefully, he can make a tux
and do something with all this.

Ouch. I'm going
to be thinking about that

when I'm writing
my toast.

You're gonna get burnt!

I can't believe Ed quit.

Yeah. And I can't believe
we haven't.

So, for the reception later,
I'm practicing my

"I don't want to come
to your table,

but thank you
for the gift" wave.

So, how does this look?

A little gift
from the reverend.

Between us,
I think he's had a few.

Aww, Mom,
you're crying.

I just thought this day
would never come.

Come on.
It's gonna be great.

You know
what they say --

I'm not just
gaining a son,

I'm spending
a fortune.

Oh, Mom, Dad,
I want to thank you.

I'm not sure what exactly
you've been doing,

but it must be a lot
because you both look exhausted.

Yo!

Here on best-man biz.

Get the camera ready
'cause this could be

her last hissy fit
as a single gal.

What -- What happened?
Is something wrong?

Nothing happened.

Kyle's wearing
the high tops.

Well, look at that.
Something's happened.

Kyle cannot wear
the high tops.

Well, as best man,
I feel it is incumbent upon me

to be the one
to get the hell out of here.

Dad, you need
to fix this, now.

A vein is about to pop
out of my forehead

and ruin my pictures.

Mandy, I love you...

but I'm out.

(chuckles)
What are you talking about?

I know this wedding
scares you,

and I fixed everything I can
to make it better for you,

but you've crossed
from scared into scary.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, Mom,
make Dad fix this.

Uh, I --
I'm with your father.

You have become a nightmare,
and we're out.

Wow.

Fine.

I'm gonna go
handle things myself.

Oh, and, by the way,
as far as being

a wedding planner
is concerned,

do not even think
about using me as a reference!

(door closes)

That felt great.

(laughs)
So great.

Kyle, open the door.

KYLE: No. You can't see me
in my tux before the wedding.

It's bad luck.

N-No. No, honey,
that's just for the bride.

Why would the bride
be in a tux?

I think
this is a trick.

Okay.

Kyle, can you
just come out here, please?

Hi.

I really don't want you
to wear the high tops.

No, I have to.

Why?

Have I ever told you about my
job interview with Mr. Alzate?

I'm sure
it's a super-great story,

but we really
don't have time right now.

I had to borrow a suit
from a friend,

but I forgot to ask
for shoes.

And so, I wound up wearing
the only ones I had --

high tops.

I was wrong.
It's not a great story.

When Mr. Alzate saw me
in those shoes, he said,

"You're an original, kid.

I want you on my team."

Look,
because of those shoes,

he gave me the job
at Outdoor Man.

And because of that,
I met Mr. B.,

and because of Mr. B.,
I met the love of my life.

How come you never
told me that before?

Well, you've been
kind of...

(sighs)

A nightmare?

Well, I was gonna say
distracted,

but yeah, kind of.

Oh.

Mr. Alzate
is like a dad to me.

And if he can't be there
in person,

then at least
he'll be there in sneaker.

Mm.

Ah.

You know the worst thing
about horror movies?

The monster
always comes back.

I've wrecked my wedding.

Oh, God, she killed Kyle.

(chuckles)

You didn't, did you?

I was so worried
about making everything perfect

for the wedding,

I didn't realize
I was ruining it for Kyle.

Oh, honey,
if it makes you feel any better,

you didn't just ruin it
for Kyle.

Vanessa.

You know what?
You haven't wrecked anything.

You tend to get scared
when things change,

and you overwork
the details.

You forget that there
are other people around.

Maybe that's something
you should remember now.

Honey, all this,
it's wonderful,

but this isn't
what it's about.

All a wedding needs
is two people

who love each other
and the people who love them.

And for Kyle,
that means having Ed there.

Okay. I think I know
how to fix this,

but I'm going to need
your help pulling it off.

Now, this is the girl
I love to help.

Mandy.
Wait a minute.

Isn't there someplace
you need to be right now?

(chuckles)

Yeah.
Right here.

Ed, I want you to reconsider
being best man.

No, I can't.

I already went over this
with your father.

Now, the road you and Kyle
are going down is, well...

troubling.

I understand.
I know.

I made my wedding
all about me.

The wedding.

Right.
And I get that now.

Although, in my defense,

there is no magazine
called "Modern Groom."

Well, at least
you're willing to admit it.

(chuckles)
It took me four marriages

and a 10-hour deposition
to get there, so...

I'm not perfect.

But being with Kyle makes me
want to be a better person.

You know, he always says
he doesn't deserve me,

but I know
it's the other way around.

Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.

That sweet little moppet
has burrowed his way

into my ticker, as well.

(laughs)

Guess you and I
are a lot alike.

Hm?

Except that
I have youth...

and hair.

Listen, I have money...

and tact.

Listen, I love Kyle,
and he really, really

wants you at my --
our wedding.

All right.

That's how you really feel,
I'm back in.

Thank you.
Thank you, Ed.

Come on.
Let's go.

We'd better get
to that church.

That minister seems
a little uptight.

I know, right?

It's like, "Calm down.
It's just a wedding."

-But, no, no.
-What?

We're not going to the church.
What do you mean?

You've been waiting
all your life

to get married
in that church.

Ed, all a wedding needs is
two people who love each other

and the people
who love them.

Hey, Ed.

One of these is for you.

♪♪

Hey, Boyd, I got bumped
from best-man duty.

Can I help you
with your job?

All right.
Cool.

Stick close.
Crowds scare me.

♪♪

Only two things
get me crying --

weddings and that video
where a dog takes a bus...

to find its owner.

(voice breaking)
My baby's getting married.

(chuckles)

I've been
all over the world,

but I've never seen
anything so beautiful.

Sorry for being
such a pain in the ass.

If that were true,

why is it so hard
to give you away?

I'm really glad
you're here.

It wouldn't have been
the same with Eve.

She hasn't been
a great father to me.

I wouldn't have missed it
for the world, son.

Oh, and let's forget
I almost missed it.

♪♪

Please, be seated.

You look like
an angel.

You should wear that
all the time.

(laughs)

We are gathered here today
in the presence of God, family,

friends,
and fishing poles,

which, apparently,
are on sale now through Tuesday.

Not just fishing poles,
but also ammunition -- 30% off.

We were going to start
with a reading,

but since we only
have 15 minutes

till the shoppers arrive,

why don't we go
right to the vows?

Mandy.

Kyle...

I'm so sorry
about the shoe thing

and for not listening
to you

or paying attention
to your needs.

And for all of those times
that you thought

that I was listening
and I totally wasn't.

-These aren't the vows.
-I know. I know.

I just --
I had to get it out first.

Kyle, I was only
acting that way

because I wanted
our wedding

to be crazy,
over-the-top amazing,

like this totally
unforgettable experience.

But you know what?

That's what every day
with you is like.

I never dreamed
I could be this happy,

and I can't believe

I'm the one
who gets to marry you.

I love you so much.

Wow.

I mean this
from the bottom of my heart.

Ditto.

Um, perhaps
a little more, son.

Mandy, I love you
more than anything.

And you never
have to apologize to me.

Unless you do something
really awful,

and then it would
just be polite.

You two kids
are perfect for each other.

Kyle, do you
have the rings?

I do.

Oh, and that's not
the "I do" I do.

I'll do that one later.

Kyle, do you take Mandy
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

That's
the "I do" I do.

And, Mandy,
do you take Kyle

to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I totally do.

Then, by the powers
vested in me

by the church,
the state of Colorado,

and this fine
sporting-goods establishment,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

(cheers and applause)

♪♪

Come on, you guys.
Pull it together.

(sniffles) Wow.

There's some dust
in here or something.

We may have stumbled upon
a new revenue source here.

Yeah, yeah.

We could have actual
shotgun weddings.

(clicks tongue)

Mikey, did I see
you get a little misty-eyed

during the ceremony?

Yeah.

Although, I don't know if it
was my daughter getting married

or the fact that I paid
for a church we didn't use.

-Yeah.
-(Sighs)

Reverend.
Now, come on, be honest.

-That wasn't that bad, right?
-Thank you.

You know what?
She's a beautiful bride,

and in the end,
it turned out wonderful.

Terrific.
Wonderful, isn't it?

And, uh, Reverend,
Reverend, hey,

I said, "Something
off the shelf."

Yep.
This is on him.

Oh, I'll be back
to get the others later.

-Thanks, Mike.
-Uh-huh.

(stammers)
The others?

How much is this wedding
going to cost me?

A lot less
than your first four.

-- Captions by VITAC --