Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 7, Episode 3 - Giving Mike the Business - full transcript

CHUCK:
Okay.

I got it. Oh, no, no, no.

But is it safe with me?

What am I gonna do?
Make a big announcement?

Big announcement, everybody.

The rumor is true.

Arvo Industries just bought
Ted's Tackle Box.

-(all groaning)
-That means we're next.

What's gonna keep them
from buying us?

Okay, but calm down, Joe.

Hey, I have cats, okay?



They need sweaters.
They're hairless.

-You guys hear about Ted's?
-Yes!

How does Arvo have
that much money?

They make linoleum
and baby food.

You know, the peach is
surprisingly tangy. I...

Arvo is laying off 30%
of Ted's staff.

-It's a bloodbath over there.
-(people groaning, sighing)

My friend works at Ted's.
He's got three cats.

He just invested
in a claw tower.

-Hey, there's Mike. Mike?
-(loud, overlapping chatter)

You know, and I was afraid
I was gonna walk into a panic.

The entire kitchen staff
is freaking out,

and they all have knives.

Hey, where's Kyle?



He comes in with you.

He's been fired, hasn't he?
It's happening, people!

It's happening already!

All right, all right, calm down.
Nothing's happening.

Kyle took a personal day off.

Look, Arvo Industries can smash
Ted's Tackle Box all they want.

They can't smash this store.

You understand that?

I'm not worried.

Don't be worried.

Come on!

Back to work.

(Kristin sighs)

Thanks, Dad.
We all needed to hear that.

Yeah.
I think we're screwed.

*

You think we're screwed?

You just told everybody
that things are gonna be okay.

Because I didn't want everybody
freaking out.

That's what a good boss does.

Sometimes you have to tell
people stuff they want to hear.

That's a nice jacket,
by the way.

Oh. Thank you.

Wait.

So, what's the plan, Baxter?

Arvo bought Ted's Tackle Box
'cause Ted refuses to grow.

I have a plan here
to expand Outdoor Man

so we can take advantage
of the economies of scale.

Wow. This looks great.

What are we waiting for?

Well, there's an obstacle--
old, grumpy and hates change.

Is it you?

Old and grumpy,
but I like change.

Like, maybe eliminating
your job.

How about that?

He's talking about Ed.

I want to expand five stores,
you know, and upgrade them,

turn them
into marketing showcases.

So what's Ed's problem?

Well...
he is majority owner, right?

So for 30 years,
I've had to always take him

kicking and screaming
towards change.

It's kind of, like,
our little dance.

(chuckles) I can't
picture you dancing, Baxter.

What do you do? Put your left
foot in and shake it all about?

Floss?

-Does Ed know about Arvo?
-Probably not,

'cause he's fishing right now.

-Oh.
-Well, call him.

Uh, he's probably fishing
up in his favorite spot

at Idaho Springs.

There's no cell service
on the river, so,

if we want to talk to him, we'd
have to drive up there, so...

-Not it!
-Not it.
-Oh.

Damn it. I hate this game.

Listen, I was in Mandy
and Kyle's room,

and I was looking
under the bed.

I found these. Look. "Aunt."

(laughs softly)
"Uncle."

And... (giggling)

You know what this means, right?

Uh... Kyle made shirts

to keep track
of who's who in the family?

No. No, no. These are for us.

No. This is...
this is how they're announcing

they're having a baby.

Hmm. That's really clever.

That's how I know
that's not what it is.

MANDY:
We're back!

-Hide the loot.
-Yeah.

-Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Oh.
-What?

Hey, you guys.
Where'd you get that, Eve?

What T-shirts?

Mom snooped.

Kyle, I thought
you were gonna hide these.

I did. Under the bed, in a box
marked "nothing in here."

Look, honey, I am so happy
for you. (laughs)

-Oh!
-Oh. Mom. Mom, Mom.

I'm not pregnant.

Uh, Kyle jumped the gun
on the T-shirts.

Oh. O-Okay. All right.

Well, um,
so-so maybe you're trying.

Like crazy.

-Ew!
-MANDY: Kyle!

Uh, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

I meant... we're mating.

Boundaries, Kyle.

I eat in here.

She is such a child.

People have sex.

-Hey, Mrs. B?
-Mm?

How long should it take?

Oh, uh, well,
it's different for everybody.

I mean, there's no set time.

-It's already been,
like, three months.
-Mm.

I'm starting
to be a little concerned

it might have something
to do with my vasectomy.

You, uh...

you... you had-had a vasectomy?

-Yeah, you want to see the scar?
-Uh, no. No.

-Oh, no. It's pretty awesome.
-No, no. I...

-It takes up, like,
half my belly.
-No, I... but...

Your belly? What? No.

Oh, Kyle. Kyle. (sighs)

That's a scar
from an appendectomy.

I always do that.

I hate operations that rhyme.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, obviously,

I'm entitled to a large
compensation if I'm laid off.

More if I have dependents,
right?

My cats.

It's my lawyer.
I'm just gonna be a minute.

No, I am not gonna sue
Mike Baxter

'cause the man is a prince.

All right?
Good day to you, sir.

-Lawyers. Hate 'em.
-Yeah.

How long you been waiting
out here for me to walk out?

About an hour.

Do you feel it was worth it?

Probably not.

Mikey.
We need to talk.

Damn right we do. Um...

-I know about Ted's Tackle Box.
-Great.

-Great. So you know
we need to do something.
-Yeah.

At our size,
Outdoor Man is like a hot dog,

and Arvo Industries is like
Joey Chestnut.

Is that the kid
who eats all those hot dogs?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Dips them in water first?

-Right.
-Why isn't that cheating?

I don't know. He probably does
that so he can get more...

-You know, I think
we're off track here.
-Yeah.

-Sit down for a second, Ed.
-Sure.

-I got to ask you a question.
-Okay. (clears throat)

Did you read this proposal
I wrote up for you?

-Yes. Yes, yes.
-You read all 60 pages of it?

-Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
-That's interesting--

there's only 30 pages in there.

I read it twice.

Y-You've said this before.

I don't see why you need me to
analyze every single pie chart.

Yeah, I do,
because we're partners,

you know,
like-like Ben and Jerry,

if Ben did all the work
and Jerry fished all the time.

You do a lot of work, but do you
ever ask me what I'm working on?

-Of course I do.
-Hmm?

I often walk into your office,

look at you and go,
"What are you doing?"

-Look, your premise is right.
-Good.

If we don't do something,
we'll get swallowed up,

but why is that a bad idea?

What do you mean?

I've just returned
from a private lodge

on a beautiful lake in Wyoming.

Trout the size of your arm.

Guess who invited me.

-Wild guess?
-Hmm.

Arvo Industries,
or some wacky billionaire

hunting you for sport.

They want to buy Outdoor Man,
Mikey. (clears throat)

And you said no.

Well, you said it yourself--

they're Joey Chestnut,
we're the soggy dog.

We have to sell, Mikey.

No, no, no,
We do not have to sell. Ed?

Ed. Ed, hold on a second. Ed.

What the hell, man?

You-you sent me
to Idaho Springs.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

Turn-Turns out...

-he was actually in Wyoming.
-Uh-huh.

Ah. You know what is
on that river?

A lot of old, bald white guys.

And they can run.
(sighs)

(on TV): Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

I'm sitting here,
thinking about

my least favorite phrases.

Top of my list:
"Good government."

Actually, a hilarious oxymoron.

But today,
it's this nugget a boss drops

right before
he becomes your former boss.

"It's not personal.
It's business."

Well, I promise you,

it's personal
to the dude losing his job.

I guarantee he'd rather
you hated him personally

but he get to keep his job,
instead of hearing,

(chuckling):
"Gary, you're a swell guy.

"Now pack your crap
and beat it.

"That job you poured your heart
and soul into--

"we've given it to a robot.

"And you know what we don't
have to give the robot?

"Money.
But don't take it personally.

"After you train
your replacement

"in China how to run this
lathe, you're out on your ass.

"But don't take it personally.

"The money your family relies
on for food and clothes--

"we're gonna spread that
around India.

But don't take it personally."

Well, here
at this American business,

it's about the workers.

We're not breaking faith with
those workers who built it.

Yes, it's about workers. I said
"workers" three or four times.

Now, before you go raising the
hammer and sickle and saying,

"What, are you channeling
Bernie Sanders?," I promise

I'm willing to pass or fail
in the free market system,

but my coworkers are my family.

It's called "Outdoor Man," not

"Outdoor Spreadsheet"
or "Outdoor Revenue."

Great outdoor goods
made by people,

sold by people to people.

However, if your Labrador
can operate it safely,

I'll sell him a crossbow.

Great job, Mike.
They're gonna love it.

It's not for them.
It's for you.

Follow me.

-(knocking)
-Hey, honey.

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey.

Ooh, busy, busy, busy.
(laughs)

Yeah. I, um,
was talking to Kyle earlier.

God, he seems pretty excited
about starting a family.

Yeah, Kyle's really eager
to be a dad.

He's already been online looking
at pediatricians.

Well, that is important.

Mostly, he wants one
with a bow tie.

(Vanessa laughs)

Well, I just think it's great
that you want to have a baby.

Sure.

S-Sure?

No, I didn't mean "sure"
as in "kind of."

I meant "sure" as in...
"Yay, baby."

And I mean, "I'm not buying it"
as in "I'm not buying it."

I'm just worried
this isn't the right time.

I'm-I'm putting a lot of work
into my business.

Kyle just started his new job.

And, like, no pediatricians
still wear bow ties.

(sighs)
All right. Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, listen, listen. Listen.

As much as I can't wait
to be a grandma again,

you waiting until you're ready
is more important.

Look, your-your life changes
big-time when you become a mom.

Beautifully.

But big-time.

What if I'm not as good
at it as you?

Oh, stop, stop.
Come on, you will be.

You will be,
but when you are ready.

Wait.

If you feel that way,
then why are you trying?

I'm sort of not.

I mean, I know
the best times to try,

and I've been avoiding them.

Well, is that fair to Kyle?

No, it's okay. We...
(laughing): We more than make up

-for it other times.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No, no, no, no.

Um, honey, it's okay
if you feel that way,

but-but, really,
you need to tell your husband.

Do I?

Mandy.

It's not like I'm lying to him.

I'm just not telling him
the truth.

Mandy.

Fine. Fine. I'll stop lying.

-Mandy.
-Fine.

I just want
to show you something

that I forgot to put in that
proposal that you didn't read.

Now, listen, I'm sure you don't
know who that is.

ED:
Uh, that's Connor
from Fishing Gear.

Yeah, well, his wife, she, uh,
his wife, um...

Liz. Liz. They just had a kid,
remember?

Of course they did.
Beautiful little girl.

That's not exactly what I want
to show you, though.

-Yeah.
-What I want to show you is...

-Mm-hmm.
-...over there.

-That-that woman there.
She, um...
-ED: Yeah.

Leslie. We just went

to her housewarming party
last month.

-I gave her a toaster.
-Right.

Richest guy in the room
gave her a toaster.

Okay. All right.
(chuckles)

I get where you're going
with this, Mike.

-Uh, think so?
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

They're not just, uh,
numbers on a spreadsheet,

they're people, hmm?

They're-they're our people,
right?

And if we sell, our people
will be taken care of.

But for how long? I mean,
I think Connor wants

to keep that kid for a while.
Same with Leslie and her house.

Despite the toaster fire.

But if Arvo buys Outdoor Man,

they're still gonna need
our people.

Yeah? Why don't you tell that
to all the people

just laid off from
Ted's Tackle Box?

Yeah, well...

you're right, Mike.

I can't throw these people
to the wolves.

So we're not gonna sell.

Won't sell.

Now it's time we took a look
at my proposal.

Actually, I have a proposal
of my own: I'm gonna retire.

-(chuckles)
-Yeah.

From what?

It's time you took
the reins, Mike.

Yes, you said yourself,
you don't need me anymore.

Come on.

You know, this...

this is why I hate doing
the hokeypokey.

VANESSA:
Wow. So Ed just quit?

That's what he said.

Well, I'm sure that's hard
for him, but, you know,

he knows what's best
for himself.

Really? Three marriages,
no prenups?

And I'm supposed to trust
his judgment?

Well, I don't know, maybe
he just feels like it's time

to try something else.

Trust me, within a week,

he'll be going crazy without me
being around to bust his balls.

Will he?

What'd you mean by that?

Look, Mike, I...

-You like to kid around a lot.
-Mm-hmm.

A-And I know
you're just trying

to be funny with people.

Trying to be funny?

A lot of people use my jokes.

I've heard them.

Well, I'm just saying
that some people--

I mean, not me or the kids

or, you know,
that waiter from last night--

-(chuckles)
-but some people might think

you were saying what you
actually felt.

That's ridiculous. What kind
of moron would think that?

So maybe you give Ed
the impression

that he's not that important
to you anymore.

-I don't do that.
-All right, well,

what did you say to him when he
came back from the fishing trip?

I said something nice.
I compared us to Ben and Jerry.

A cat and mouse?

That would be Tom and Jerry.

(laughing): Oh.
Oh, right, yeah.

Well, look,
if-if you want Ed to stay,

then maybe you should tell him
how important he is to you.

Perfect. Give us something to
talk about while we're spooning.

(gasps) Kyle.

There you are.

What's wrong?

(exhales) Bad day.

I know something
that'll cheer you up.

A kiss from your turtle.

Turtle kiss.

(laughs)

There's my happy hubby.

Yeah, well, it's hard to be sad
when you're a turtle.

You know, honey, if...
if you're still worried

because we haven't been able
to get pregnant yet,

I think I can make you
feel better.

No. You can't.

I went to the doctor.

You're not still worried
about the vasectomy, are you?

I told you that is
a kidney thing.

No, I already had
the appointment.

But while I was there,
I... had my sperm counted.

They can do that?

It seems like they'd be hard
to catch.

Yeah, I-I don't know
how they do it.

But they did.

And mine is low.

Sorry I let you down.

Oh, honey, you-you didn't.

Look,

the truth is...

I'm not sure I want
to have a baby yet.

You don't?

No.

So maybe it's a good thing
we have to wait.

(sighs)
Wow.

How lucky am I?

You love me so much,
you'd make up this lie

just to make me feel better.

No, no. I'm not lying.

I have serious doubts
this is the right time.

How do you get dressed in the
morning with those angel wings?

Kyle, listen to me,
I am telling the truth.

Then I'm gonna tell you
the truth. I hate you.

-I'm doing your lying thing,
-Oh.

-You got that, right?
-Yeah.

You're just not gonna
believe me, are you?

No. But I appreciate it.

And we still have hope.

The-the doctor suggested things
to help boost my numbers.

-Like what?
-Well...

I have to start wearing
boxer shorts.

And eating superfoods.

Oh, and...

I might have to give up
the unicycle.

MIKE:
Ed.

What are you doing?

Packing up, Mikey.

Oh, yes, and I'm leaving you
my-my copy

of Laughs for the Lavatory.

From what I understand,
it's in poor taste now.

Put that stuff back.

You're not gonna want to leave
after you see this.

-The hell is that?
-It's the first commercial

we ever did together on,
literally,

the last VCR in America.

Come on. Oh, man.

*

Hello, I'm Mike Baxter.

Hey, actually that's my line.

(chuckles) That's right.
And this is my line.

And my hook and sinker.
Mm-hmm.

That's right. This is wh...
this is the Bull Taylor

-rod and reel.
-Mm-hmm. Yup.

Available exclusively at...

BOTH (echoing):
Outdoor Man.

-Mm-hmm.
-You don't have to be in Miami

-to enjoy this vice.
-Ooh.

Ah. (chuckles)

If you don't get it here,
you don't get it.

-Get it? (chuckles)
-Get it.

We were idiots.
All right, what's the point?

The-the point is
look at those two idiots.

They're having a great time.

Yeah, we were a good team, huh?

What do you mean?
We're still a good team.

Outdoor Man works
because we work.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

The only thing in my life
that ever did.

Okay, look, if I've ever
made fun of you

in a joke or two... dozen,

-I-I'm sorry.
-Yeah, I see,

I see what you're saying--
so you think I'm a crybaby

because I can't take a joke,
huh? Please.

I sat in the front row
at a Rickles show.

Okay, so what is it?

-It's time, Mike.
-For what?

That's all. Here. It-It's time.

Come on, I've worked my ass off
my whole life.

I-I didn't stay
in this kind of shape

so I could sit behind my desk

for-for another 30 years.

I-I want to enjoy the time
I've got left, that's all.

(chuckles) Well, if you last
another 30 years,

you won't be enjoying it,
I'll tell you that.

Listen, wh-why are you making
this so hard?

Wh-Why don't you let me leave?

We-Well, we, you know,
we got to, um...

We, you know, there...

We have the... Let me...

All right, um,
let me help you here, okay?

You've lost a lot lately.
Haven't you?

Hmm? You know, Mike.

Your girls are growing up.
Your father passed away.

And now you don't want to lose
your best friend.

I'm gonna miss you, man.

Okay. I'll miss you, too.

Yeah.

Here. I don't have a VCR.

-CHUCK: There he is!
-(applause)

-The man who saved our jobs.
-All right, all right.

When you do right,
we got to give it up.

And, look, my cats are smiling,
and not just 'cause

-they killed a lizard.
Check that out.
-Oh.

Well, this, uh, new era is gonna
be great for all of us.

But we'll all have to do
some more work.

-How's that, now?
-Hmm?

Well, I want all the stores
to be up to Denver standards.

All department heads--
we're gonna need proposals,

budgets, training manuals.

That sounds like a lot of work.
(laughs)

You clearly just said
"some" more work.

Well, this is a big job.

That means extra work.

That means late nights.
Weekends.

Oh, during football season.

(laughs): Oh, man. I'm all
for expansion, Baxter,

but we don't have to take over
the whole damn world.

Well, a lot of people
at Ted's Tackle Box

are looking for work
right about now.

Look, I can't do it all,
everybody.

Come on, let's get to work.
Come on, let's do it.

(chicken clucking)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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