Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - A New Place for One of Our People - full transcript

(both laugh)

Okay, Kris, I got everything
in here you need

to fix that drain.

All right,
got a pipe wrench,

I got a basin wrench,
some Teflon tape.

Now, Ryan's fixing it, right?
Yep.

And I got the plumber's number
in there, too.

Thank you, Dad.

I had no idea
owning a home

meant you spend
all of your time fixing it.

Yeah,
but once it's all fixed --



Well, we'll let you know.

You know, we have been here
20 years,

and your father
still hasn't

gotten the
squirrels out of the attic.

Yeah, I'd love
to get the squirrels

out of your attic.
Hey.

(laughs)

Honey, you can stay for dinner.
We're just waiting on Eve.

Oh, uh, where'd you have her
working today?

Yesterday, she was
on the loading dock, Mom.

Yeah. What? Mike,
isn't that dangerous?

For Eve? Are you kidding?
She's like an ant.

She can lift
50 times her weight.

Eve's worked in just about
every department by now, huh?



Yeah. She got Accounting,
Fish and Tackle.

She even took over
the crossbow safety course.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
How is Earl?

Earl --
just a flesh wound.

I don't think he'll
be drinking beer at lunch again.

Better watch out, Dad.

One day,
Eve might take your job.

Well, she's already got Earl
out of the way.

You know, I am so glad
that Eve is making good use

of her gap year.

I mean, between playing music
at the coffee house

and working with you,

she'll head off to college
next year

with some good
life experience.

Yeah.

She'll have a year
working 10 different jobs

before she gets brainwashed
by people who've never had one.

Hey, honey. I'm home.

Hey, how was work?

Ugh, can I get a martini

and read the paper
before the yackity-yack?

Sorry, I watched a black-
and-white movie last night.

Where were you working today?
Online sales. How was that?

Yeah. It was great.

Everyone was super-friendly

and totally supportive

when I told them I was gonna quit.
(chuckles)

Oh, by the way,
I'm quitting.

Sorry.
I didn't hear you

with all the squirrels
running around in the attic.

-- Captions by VITAC --

You want to quit working
at Outdoor Man?

No. I am quitting.

You made it "want to quit"
so we can have this discussion.

This is crazy.

You're making good money.
It's a great experience.

You want to cop
a few fishing lures,

I'll look
the other way.

You know, one of the best parts
about being the oldest kid

is that you know
the exact moment

your parents are about
to explode.

My thoughts and prayers
are with you.

Uh, honey,
w-why are you quitting?

No, no, no.
She wants to quit.

She's considering it.
It's not -- not a done deal.

I found something else
I want to do.

You have another offer?
I'll -- I'll match it.

I'm gonna volunteer
at Take Shelter Denver.

They build houses
for the homeless.

You volunteer, you're making
nothing. I'll double that.

I think it's wonderful
that Eve wants to volunteer.

I mean, I used to read to the blind...
No. No.

but they didn't like it (low voice)
when I used to do the voices.

The only volunteer I know
that was fired.

What are you gonna use
for money?

They don't pay you
at the coffee shop for singing,

so you're already working
for nothing there.

I still have
graduation money.

Oh, perfect.
That's one week.

What do you do
for money next week?

I'll figure it out, Dad.

It's not like I have a lot
of expenses.

I mean, isn't that the
whole point of this gap year --

to figure out how I fit
into the world?

Fit into
the real world,

which is about making money,
buying food, football.

Dad, i-it's -- it's my life,
and it's my year,

or maybe even longer,

I don't know, but I-I will
figure that out, Dad.

She wants to do charity.
How is that so bad?

Did you hear that?
Yeah.

"Maybe even longer."

She's not going to college.
She quit her job.

You know where this ends up?
Cardboard box under a bridge.

Is that where you want
to say hello to your grandkids?

Okay. You know, look,
I understand.

You're upset
because you won't be taking

your little buddy to work anymore.
Oh, stop.

That has nothing to do
with it.

I'm upset because Eve doesn't
know how the world works,

but thank God
she's got an amazing father

who cares enough
about her

to give her a lovely, loving
kick in the ass.

♪♪

(sighs) Hey, thanks for spending
lunch with me, babe.

Yeah.
Sorry I didn't talk more.

It's just, you know,
you get me a crown

and a kids' menu,
I'm all business.

All right,
now, you scoot, young lady,

so I can get to work
on your wedding gift.

No. We already have
enough presents as is.

We don't need to spend
any money on each other.

And that's me talking.

Well, I'm not spending
any money on your gift.

Those are the best kind.

Aww, but I already have
two jars of rain, Kyle.

And two jars
of sunshine, yeah.

But this is gonna be
even better.

Just --
Just wait and see.

All right, but, for the record,
I'm not getting you anything.

Is she the best
or what?

So, what exactly
are you giving the girl

that doesn't cost
anything?

Oh, a car.

You're thinking
of a macaroni sculpture.

A car is a big, metal thing
with an engine and seats.

No,
I-I read this story online

about this guy who traded
a paper clip for a pen,

and then a pen
for a flute,

and, you know,
he kept trading up,

until he got a house.

Yeah,
I-I read a similar story,

but it had a cow
and a magic bag of beans.

I'm gonna start by trading
this laser pointer

I got with my subscription
to Atlantic Monthly.

Oh, you read
Atlantic Monthly?

Nope, I just wanted
this free pointer.

Kyle, that -- that paper-clip
story isn't real.

See, con artists put that kind
of stuff out there all the time

to take advantage
of people like you.

I disagree.
I think people are generous.

You know, when I -- when I post
that I'm a newlywed,

trying to get my bride a
wonderful gift... Mm-hmm.

...I think you'll be
surprised.

(chuckles)
I think you'll end up

giving your bride
a laser pointer.

I think it's a sweet idea, Kyle.
And you know what?

To get you started,

I'll trade you my old briefcase
for the laser pointer.

(chuckling) Oh!
Deal.

I always wanted to say that
holding a briefcase.

Stop encouraging him
with this nonsense.

A con man
will eat that kid for lunch.

Ah, I don't think --

Oh, shoot. My lunch.
Hey, Kyle!

Kyle!

Do you want
another pancake?

Yeah. They're great.

All right.
There you go.

Dad, are we, uh --
are we cool?

Sure.
Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, okay, I just want you
to understand

that doing charity
is really important to me,

and Take Shelter Denver
is a really good organization.

It's a
great organization.

You know, your mom and I give
quite a bit of money to them.

Oh, really?
That is so cool.

Maybe I'll wind up
using a hammer

you guys
bought or something.

And wouldn't that be great?
Yeah.

There you go.

What's this?

That's a bill
for what you had --

pancakes, bacon,
and a venti coffee.

Eight bucks.

You're charging me
for breakfast?

(sighs) And rent.

Congratulations.
The hammer just came down.

You're charging me rent
in my family home?

That's insane, Dad.

No. I'm charging you
way below market value.

That's insane.

But I'm your favorite,

the one who goes
to the gun range with you

and to the batting cages

and to Ronald Reagan's
birthplace,

where I was so moved,
I wept at age 6.

And you're telling me
that's all worth nothing?

Nothing?!

I didn't charge you
for the juice.

Listen, I just want you to know
how the world works, Eve.

I know how it works, Dad.
No, you don't!

I think you live
in a bubble.

Not a real one, 'cause
that would be very fragile

and offer
no real protection.

So, are you charging me
for this lecture, too?

'Cause I don't see it here
on the bill.

This paradise you live in
is not real, all right?

Unless you get that
through your head,

Take Shelter Denver's gonna
be building you a house someday.

Hmm. Better watch out. That
bacon's gonna cost you.

Mm. Nah.

I have the metabolism
of a snake.

At least I think they have
a good metabolism.

I mean,
they're, like, skinny.

Get this -- Dad's charging
for food and rent.

Yeah, but not you.
E-Everything's on the house.

What? H-How come
you're not charging her?

Because she's going to college,
and she's working.

Oh, my God! Dad, that's
so unfair! You never -- Wait.

Are you using me
as an example?

Like, a good one?

I know it's weird.
Just go with it.

Okay, okay, So, right now,
at this very moment,

I'm your favorite?

Even though I never went
to Ronald McReagan's house?

You're making this
very difficult.

So, basically,
I'm being punished

for trying to get the most
out of my gap year.

Get a job, hippy!
(laughs)

I love this.

Honey, I think
you've lost focus.

And I'm doing
whatever I can

to help you regain that, that's all.
Yeah.

Deadbeat.

All right.

Well, you know what?

Fine.
Count it, old man.

No tip!

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey.
Kyle, Kyle.

How's the swapping for a car
going?

Oh, fantastic.

I, uh -- I traded your briefcase
for an espresso machine...

Uh-huh. ...and then
that for a disco ball,

and all the way up
to a new computer.

Fantastic!

Which I traded
for this.

Please tell me that's packed
with $100s.

No, something even better --
good karma.

Oh, then it's empty.

I-I traded
with an underprivileged student

who needed a computer
for college.

Oh, yeah, well, you really did
that kid a solid, man.

No, I know who got
the better end of that deal.

Okay, Kyle,
this ends right now.

Oh, come on, Ed. Leave the boy alone.
No, no. No, no.

Come on. It's time
that he hears this. No, no.

He's about to get married,
all right?

It's time he learned
an important fact of life.

Kyle...

people are not generous.

They're horrible.

What -- What about people
like Kyle?

He's the sweetest person
I know.

Blushing.

Well, thank goodness
there are good people like Kyle,

but there's plenty more
bad people,

like the guy who scammed him
out of his computer.

He didn't scam me.

Oh, really? Yet, he went online
asking for a computer.

If he didn't have one, how did he
get online in the first place?

I never thought
of that.

Maybe he used one at work,
or a friend's,

or the library's.

Libraries don't exist anymore.
Read a paper.

And you have to
apply to college online, too.

How did he do that?

He didn't.
You were conned.

He seemed very smart,

like he'd already gone
to college.

Okay. Kyle, you're starting
to sound like Ed.

Snap out of it, man.
Come on. Come on.

Mr. Alzate
is my mentor,

and I've never gone wrong
listening to his advice.

And I'm sorry
I wasted your briefcase

on some silly dream.

I jus--

Why'd you do that, Ed?

I love that kid
like a son.

But his good heart, you know,
makes him vulnerable

for lots of things,
like the flu,

because he keeps on giving away
his coat.

All I know is Kyle
was a lot happier

when he was looking
at the world

through his eyes
and not yours.

Trust me.
I'm right on this one.

No, no, no,
you were right when you said

there weren't very many people
like Kyle.

Now, thanks to you,
there's one less.

Well, maybe
that's not a bad thing.

What happened
to your heart, Ed?

It used to be...

...right here.

And now...

...it's in there.

♪♪

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

Check out this
new sonar fish finder.

You know, if Nemo had one
of these suckers,

it wouldn't have taken
90 minutes to find Dory.

(chuckles)

You know, some people --
liberals --

will say it's not right
to give fishermen one of these,

'cause it's not fair
to the fish.

You know what else isn't fair?

Fish being able to breathe
under water.

Anyhow, oh, where was I?

Talking about bubble wrap,
right? Bubble wrap --

It's a great invention
for packing,

but a terrible idea when
it comes to raising our kids.

Sometimes, hard lessons
may be cruel,

but trying to insulate
your kids from reality

pretty much guarantees that
the contents will end up broken.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Oh, hi, Eve.
I didn't see you standing there.

What's up?

Oh, I just thought
about what you said

about the "real world"
and paying rent.

And you came
to your senses.

I'm moving out.

(bubble wrap popping)

Hey.

What the hell
is going on?

Eve told me
she's moving out.

Can I just get a martini
and read the paper

before all
the yackity-yack?

This is your fault.

You started charging her
for breakfast?

Which is ridiculous because
you always undercook the bacon.

I mean, it's like
I got a pig in my mouth.

Want to get a glass of wine,
and we'll talk about this?

Oh, yeah, so you charge me
for that, too?

If I ran a tab
for the wine you drink,

you'd have to get
a second job.

Stop it.

She's not
going anywhere, okay?

Yeah, well, she sounded
pretty serious to me, Mike.

Yeah, well,
she can't afford an apartment.

How is she gonna afford
her first and last month's rent?

Sing them a song?

Yeah, yeah. I think
that's better than money.

What?

Well, I could see
how a landlord wouldn't.

What's she gonna put
on the employment application?

First job -- volunteer.
Whoo-hoo.

Oh, that's true.
You know, and she has no credit.

No credit. Right.

All right. Well,
this is fantastic, yeah, yeah.

I mean, on paper,
our daughter's a total loser.

There you go.

All part
of the master plan

to get her to see
how life really works.

All right. Look,
I-I'm sorry if I overreacted.

I just -- I just don't want my little
girl to move out. Got it, got it.

Apology accepted. Although, you
might have to apologize again

for that senseless attack
on bacon.

Oh.

Oh, hey, where do you guys
want me to store Eve's stuff?

'Cause the sooner
she's clearing out,

the sooner I can knock down
that wall,

turn her room
into my dream closet.

Ooh, by the way, I'm turning
her room into my dream closet.

Yeah, yeah.
That's not gonna happen.

But, Dad, I'm your favorite,
and it's my dream...

and a closet.

It doesn't look like Eve
is moving out quite yet.

Oh.
She didn't tell you guys?

She already did.

She's living in Kristin
and Ryan's basement.

What?!
Ugh!

It looks like she found a way
around your master plan.

This has gone
far enough, okay?

Oh, God.
This is terrible.

I know.

(door slams)

Grab a saw. We can talk about it
in my new closet.

♪♪

Hey, hey, Ed!
How do you like your crow --

broiled or baked?

What the hell
are you talking about?

Tell him, tell him,
so I can remember

the look on his face
for the rest of my life.

I got Mandy's car.

Oh! And that's
my new screen saver.

W-What do you mean
you got a car? How?

Some guy
who owns a car dealership

was looking
for the exact lunch box

I traded the computer for,
so he's trading me.

So, Ed, on the -- on the crow,
you know,

sriracha sauce,
maybe some grilled onions.

That proves nothing.

Nothing, except maybe that
people who collect lunch boxes

are lunatics.

What I said still holds.

With respect, sir,

I-I think this might be one time
when I can be your mentor.

So, you still insist
on believing in people, huh?

Oh, after this,
more than ever.

Hmm. All right, well, I guess
that's just who you are.

Maybe that's why
good things happen for you.

Like what?

Oh, right, the car!
Right.

Mandy's
not gonna believe it.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

If you don't have anything to
do, I'll find something for you.

Oh, it -- it -- it's just so
rare that you're so wrong, Ed.

Just -- Just -- Just give me
a minute to enjoy it.

Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm not wrong.

If anybody's wrong
in all this,

it's that imbecile who traded
a lunch box for a Prius.

Kyle -- Kyle never said
what kind of car it was.

(mumbling) Looking
for something over here.

Kyle never said
it was a Prius.

I've got some vouchers.
What the hell is this?

Ohhh.

Ohh!

You sw--
You sweet, sweet man!

You have something
you need to do or what?

Yes, I do have something
I need to do.

Take that
great, big heart...

and put it right back
where it belongs.

♪♪

You know, when you were little,
you ran away.

I found you hiding behind
some garbage cans.

This place
is actually worse.

I don't know.
It was good enough

for whoever's bones I found
behind the furnace.

What's going on?

Dad, I -- I really
don't want to argue.

Tough. I do.
Starting with you leaving home

and coming over here. Will you
-- Will you just hold on?

I've been trying to tell you
that you were right.

Oh, no. No.
Don't start that.

I want to stay mad
right now.

Okay. Yes, I did move in here
to get back at you.

Now it's starting to sound
like an argument. Good.

But then I took one look
at this spider hole and thought,

"Oh, I am not that mad
at him.

I'm definitely
moving back home."

Why are you still
here?

Okay, so, I had my orientation
at Take Shelter today,

and they have a list
of families

who would be happy
to have a basement to stay in.

And I got it. You were right.
I-I do live in a bubble.

Okay, you got it.

Come home to the bubble,
have your meatloaf.

I can't.

When I told you
the whole point of my gap year

was to figure out
how I fit into the world,

you said the real world.

Well, it don't get
any realer than this.

Living in your sister's
basement rent-free

is not the real world.
You just ask my cousin Stewart,

and I do not want you
talking to him.

It's not free.
I'm gonna pay rent.

I'm gonna work part-time
at the coffee shop,

as well
as perform there.

All right. I-I think
you're taking this too far.

I'm really happy
that you're working,

but I don't want you
moving out of the house.

It's really hard
to grow up

when you live
with your parents, Dad.

And I know you and Mom
will just do stuff for me.

It's not your fault.
I'm just...

I'm really adorable.

I thought
that had peaked

when we went
to Reagan's birthplace,

and you -- you said it was
"tickle-down economics."

It's time for me
to be on my own, Dad.

That's what you've been
preparing me for my whole life.

And you did a great job.

You know,
I-I knew that one day

being perfect
at everything I do

was gonna bite me
in the ass.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Hey, hi. You ready?

Oh, hi. You bet.

Hey, hey, hey.
How's the new car?

Amazing. It's --

It's the greatest gift
anyone's ever given me.

Yeah, well,
whoever did that probably feels

like they got the better part
of that deal, huh?

I want to donate it
to charity.

What? W-W-W-Wait.

What do you mean?
Y-You're gonna give it away?

What? Why?

Well, I was finally
Dad's favorite,

but then Eve one-upped me

with that whole
self-sacrifice-y thing.

Well, two can play
at that game.

N-N-N-No.
D-Don't play. No, no.

Y-Your greed is unique.

I don't know, Ed.
Giving is a beautiful thing.

It's good
for the heart.

So is shutting up.

No. I need
a grand gesture,

but one that doesn't
cost me anything.

And I haven't even put gas
in the car yet.

Yeah, but it probably cost
somebody something.

You know,
it's a lot of money, huh?

Especially
with that moonroof --

if it has one.

It does.
You know what?

Maybe we should give it away.
Yeah?

Yeah, because I've learned
something

very interesting from this
whole experience. Mm-hmm.

I mean, getting a car...

is really easy.