Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Trick or Treat - full transcript

(blender whirrs)

Morning, everybody.
Oh.

Green is not the color
for breakfast.

Unless you're Dr. Seuss.
-(chuckles)

Well,
will I drink it in a box?

Will I drink it with a fox?

How about you drink it
alone in the garage?

Behind a shelf,
all by yourself.

Dad, there's bacon and eggs
over here.

Bacon and eggs --
I am in.

-So, let's talk about our
Halloween party. -I'm out.



Mike, for the last three years
you have said,

"Let's not have a party.
We'll do it next year."

Well, it sounds like
we have a good thing going.

Let's do that.

No, come on -- I-I'll even use
the fancy 2% raise

the teachers' union just won
to pay for the party.

Listen, I will give you
a 4% raise not to do it.

Why? Dad, our Halloween parties
are always so much fun.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Let's all recall
the party your mom had us

dress up
as the Seven Dwarves.

Well, listen,
I had to be Grumpy.

It was the stupidest Halloween
ever.

But I got to be Snow White,
because I look like this.



And a bird
did land on my hand.

You know,
maybe this is the year

you finally go for my serial-killer theme.
That can be scary.

Ah, you've been pitching
that idea since you were three.

That is scary.
We're adults.

I don't think we should do these
dress-up parties anymore.

No, no --
You're not getting out of it.

Look, just think of it as a --
as a family dinner

where we're all
dressed up as...

superheroes!

-No.
-Superhero...no.

Since you don't like
any of our ideas,

why don't you
come up with one?

Yeah, you're supposed to be
the marketing genius.

You pitch something.

All right, picture this --

(intense voice)
A dark house --

A single light
glows in the kitchen.

A handsome man walks into the
kitchen, puts the light out.

You hear a creaking of steps
as he goes upstairs,

goes into his room,
lays down.

When he wakes up...

it's November!

Oh, I get it.
I get it. I get it.

He's all alone in the
house, because the family

found a new daddy who
keeps his promises.

We're having this party, Mike,
and you are planning it.

(normal voice) Why do I
have to do everything.

And what is
this new daddy gonna do?

All right, Mikey,
come on...

(knocks on door)
-...heading for lunch.

(sighs) Now that Ed's let
the cat out of the bag,

I guess you're invited.

Listen, I'm racking my brain
trying to

come up with a theme for
my family's Halloween party.

-I got a fun one.
-I don't want a fun one.

I want a bad one so bad

they'll never do this
Halloween party again.

You're an awful man.

And yet people keep
inviting me to parties.

I don't.
I don't even want you at lunch.

I'm with you
on killing Halloween.

You know what ruined it for me
last year?

-Hey, guys!
-(clears throat) This jackass.

Tell them about the costume
you wore on Halloween.

-Oh, when I was you?
-Mm-hmm.

(impersonating Ed) "I've never
been so insulted in my life."

(normal voice)
That was hilarious.

(impersonating Ed) "Now get the
hell back to work, Kyle."

(normal voice) Okay!

Little costume really got
under your skin, didn't it?

Nobody likes
to be impersonated.

It's why Rich Little
is despised.

I don't know, Ed.

They say imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Oh, why don't you show Mike
your impersonation of him then?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

This gives me an idea
for a great theme.

My family wants a theme, I've
got the theme -- my family.

They'll dress like each other,
act like each other,

and if I play my cards right,

they're gonna end up
hating each other.

When I said
you were an awful man,

did I say "The most awful"?
Because I meant the most awful.

Just relax.
They'll stop hating each other

once they take the costumes off,

but they'll never stop
hating Halloween.

Okay, okay.
Well, who is gonna be who?

-Natural enemies.
-Hmm.

Eve will Mandy,
Mandy will be Eve.

Ryan and Kristin
will be each other.

My, God. It's gonna be
a blood bath.

Ryan and Kristin
aren't natural enemies.

They're married.

Fighting the urge
to tell our spouse

what we really feel about them

is what couples mistakenly call
"love."

Baxter, that is...

Okay, that's true.

So, you're gonna be Vanessa
and Vanessa will be you?

No. I can't be Vanessa.
She's too nice.

Plus I --
I can't walk in heels.

The trick is to keep the weight
on your toes.

Come on.

What I need for Vanessa is
somebody so nice it's annoying.

I need...
-I brought you guys cupcakes.

...this jackass.

I'm not crazy about
the new nickname, guys.

(as Kristin)
Hey, Mom!

Ryan and I are here!

(as Ryan) Hide the meat,
you barbarians.

VANESSA: Be right there!

(normal voice) Every time I look
at you, I start laughing.

This is a great idea
your dad --

(normal voice) I know, I know!
You look so great, too!

I mean, you went a little
overboard with the breasts.

It's like
no matter what I do,

one always just seems
like it's smaller.

(as Kristin) Oh, hey,
it's my little sister Eve!

(as Eve)
Sure, lame, whatever.

Grumble, grumble.
Complain.

(normal voice)
Oh, my God!

I say this
as a fashion designer --

Ryan,
you are rocking that tunic.

-The boobs are a little much.
-The boobs are a lot much.

(as Eve) Mandy, come on!
You're always late!

The party's starting --
grumble, grumble, complain.

(as Mandy)
Here I am, everyone.

You're welcome.

You look so glamorous.

I'm sorry, are there times
I don't look glamorous?

(normal voice)
Why is one bigger?

(as Kyle) Hey, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.

I stopped to talk
to a butterfly.

Where's Dad?

(normal voice)
Uh, I don't know.

He's been working on his costume
in the garage all afternoon,

I --
-Who's he gonna be?

There's no one left
in the family.

We're here to make Halloween
great again.

I'll do it quickly.

It'll be amazing.

Uh,
I don't get it, Dad.

We're all dressed like family,
and you're dressed like Trump?

Mm.

Trump is like family to me,
believe me.

He's got my aunt's hair

and my grandmother's
hatred of foreigners.

(as Kyle) I love whatever you
say and agree with it, Mr. B.

Thank you, Kyle.

You must hate this costume,
huh?

Uh, are you kidding me?
I love that costume.

The guy single-handedly
destroyed his own party.

Why would anyone
destroy their own party?

You know,
I am so glad we did this.

This is already so much fun.
-(chuckles)

We're just getting started.

(as Trump) Look at that --
Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter.

How beautiful you are.

You know, beauty is
the only thing that counts.

(giggles) (as Mandy)
Thank you, Mr. Trump.

I was in a bit of a hurry,

so it only took me eight hours
to get ready.

(laughs)

(as Eve)
Well, I'm always ready.

I put on this outfit
in the seventh grade,

and I've never
changed out of it.

(laughs)

That's funny and mean --
my favorite kind of funny.

I laugh when I put on makeup,
because clowns are funny.

I never laugh.
It interferes with my moping.

But let me try.

Ha.

Ha.

No. Never mind. It burns.

(laughs)

Come on, Mr. B
and all the little Bs.

(laughs)
Let's play a game

where we're all super nice
and the winner is everybody.

(as Kristin)
Yeah, I'm with Kyle.

Let's all just have fun!

(normal voice)
I'm surprised you're here, Ryan.

I know
you don't like Halloween.

(as Ryan) Oh, you know,
Halloween used to be

a beautiful pagan holiday,

till it was taken over
by Big Sugar.

(normal voice) Big Sugar
is not a joke, Kristin.

(as Kristin) But I guess
I would know that if I read

any of the books my husband
brought home for me to read.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're right.

My wife should, like, you know,
work less and read more.

Oh, but wait.
Then we'd starve.

(normal voice)
All right, okay.

Everybody, everybody --
hang on, hang on.

This is Mom for a second.
Um, listen -- Let's --

Let's not take any of this
personally, okay?

(as Vanessa)
Where's my Chardonnay?

Oh...my...God.

How long do I have to whine
before I can get some wine?

(normal voice)
Mrs. B makes a lot of puns,

and they're really hard
to come up with,

so I have some cards...

to help me be a card.

Wow.

You never looked better,
Vanessa.

He looks like the woman at the
hardware store who makes keys.

Thanks, Mr. B.

Mandy told me to wear
something called SPANX.

I don't wear SPANX...

that often.

(normal voice)
Come on, Mom.

Remember, we're not taking
any of this personally.

MIKE:
(as Trump) That's right.

Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter,

I understand you're
a job creator like me.

It must take
quite a bit of brains

to have your own design company.

(as Mandy) Mm. Nope.

But I understand you're the CEO
of -- of a vast empire.

Well, I make tube tops
in my parents' basement,

so it's more of
a vest empire.

(normal voice) Uh, yeah.
I make more than tube tops.

(normal voice)
It was just a joke.

(normal voice)
Hey, Evie, Evie, Evie...

(as Trump) So, you like
the military. So do I.

(as Eve) Yeah, my whole life
I waited to get into West Point,

practically turned myself
into a guy,

but, uh, they still
didn't want me,

so now I write songs
for no money,

which is exactly how much
they're worth.

(normal voice)
Basement clown.

(normal voice)
Guitar monkey.

(normal voice) Oh, hey, look,
there's your next protest --

Save the Guitar Monkeys.

(normal voice) Why?
So you can kill them

and serve them
in your restaurant?

Everybody, come on!
Stop, stop. This is a party!

(as Vanessa)
I'm enjoying this part-E.

I can't wait for part-F.

Shove it, Kyle.

Ah, Halloween. It's a great,
great holiday, believe me.

(as Vanessa) Hey, kids,
why don't we play --

No!

Ooh,
I can make my famous --

No!

(normal voice) Wow.

Mrs. B,
people do not like you.

MIKE:
(exhales sharply)

That was fun.
That was great.

I got a bunch of little
trick-or-treaters

to start chanting
"Lock her up, lock her up."

Ah...

Got kind of choked up.

So, what'd I miss?

My wife made fun of
my interest in Buddhism.

Religious bigotry --
always funny.

Please ignore
that bearded woman.

She's just cranky from lugging
around those enormous boobs.

Huge.

(doorbell rings)

ALL: I'll get it.

I'll get it! (sighs)

It'd be nice to see some kids

who are just pretending
to be monsters.

Geez,
this party is so lame.

And that's the real me.
I'm not even doing Eve.

Can we please wrap this up?

I'm having a good time.

It's not like
I can control the party.

(as Vanessa)
I'm enjoying this part-E.

I can't wait for part--
-Kyle, you already did that one!

Please! This has to end!

All right.

I'll go...
see if I can make a deal.

(chuckles)

(as Trump) You know,
there's an art to it.

Hey. What's wrong
with everybody?

Oh, Mike,
this is awful.

All we have done
is insult each other.

Yeah.

I hate to say this, but maybe
we should just call it a night.

(scoffs) You know -- You know
why I wanted this party?

-Yeah.
-You know why?

Because everybody in this family
was there for me

when I was worried about
the teachers' strike.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, and I just --

I just wanted to celebrate.

But after tonight,

I-I never want to have
a Halloween party again.

You know
I hate to say this.

But in some small way,
I blame myself.

Honey,
it's not your fault.

You didn't do it.

I did it!! Yeah!

(doorbell rings)

Ahh!

What is that?

It's what I'm wearing
to the VFW party.

What is that?

Donald Trump.

You can't be Donald Trump.

Why,
because I'm black?

No,
because you're not orange.

Mine is ironic.

Yours is a tribute.

-Mine is a stroke of genius.
-Huh.

I think I might have just

killed the Baxter
Halloween party for good.

Okay, listen, listen, listen --
I-I got some bad news.

I just off the phone
with Carol.

The school board
finally figured out

how they're gonna pay
for the teachers' raises.

Oh, no.
Don't tell me layoffs.

Yeah, yeah.

And since Vanessa was one of
the last hired...

-Crap!
-Yeah.

Carol's been trying to
call Vanessa.

I-I don't know how you're gonna
tell her she's fired.

I can't tell her
that she's fired

on a night that the family is
going at each other's throats.

So,
you wrecked your own party

and still see yourself as the victim?
Well...

You're right, you do make
a better Trump than me.

MIKE:
Where's everybody going?

KRISTIN:
Mom said the party's over,

so I guess it's time
for Ryan and me

to ride home
in stony silence.

Yeah, and I've got to
get out of this makeup.

I do not want to wake up

with the Shroud of Turin
on my pillow.

Nobody is going anywhere.

(as Eve) Oh, you mean
like my music career.

Hold on a minute.

We got to reboot this party.

I just found out
your mom lost her job.

But being a teacher
means everything to Mom.

This is gonna crush her.

Well, not tonight it's not,
you know?

We're gonna give her the holiday
party that she's always wanted,

and I'll tell her
she's fired tomorrow.

Wh-- I was fired?!

Or I could tell her now.

Oh.

Chuck just came over. Carol's
been trying to call you, honey.

I'm sorry.
-Oh... (groans)

Well, this blows.

Yeah, I feel really bad.

(normal voice) We all should.
We acted pretty awful tonight.

Yeah, Dad had this awesome idea
for a party

and all we did was
rip into each other.

Yeah,
about this awesome idea --

You know, the truth is...

I, uh...

I forgive all of you,
you know?

And maybe we all learned
something tonight, huh?

What are you gonna say to her,
Dad?

I don't know.
I'm just gonna be there for her.

(as Vanessa) And that's why
I married that man.

(door opens, closes)

Hey. How you doing?

(scoffs)
I feel like such a dope.

Ah, that's just
the costume talking.

Listen, you have every reason
to feel sad, okay?

No, I am not sad.

I am really, really mad.

Well, that's good.
You should be mad.

The school board -- That was
all wrong what they did.

No, no, no --
I am not mad at them...

although they suck!

I'm mad at myself.

-You didn't do anything here.
-I did. I did.

-No, you didn't.
-No, I was this close

to being the vice president
of an energy company,

and I gave it all up

because I had this stupid idea
to chase a dream.

Hmm.

Well, let's not talk about
the high-paying job you gave up

and all the stuff we could have
bought with that capital.

I think it's always a good idea
to chase your dreams.

No,
of course you do, honey,

because your dreams
always come true.

You plan to make something
happen and it happens.

Well, don't compare yourself
to me.

You're already feeling
too bad about yourself.

(scoffs)

I just want
this night to be over.

-No, no.
-This whole family party was,

as Trump would say,
"A disaster."

Guys, no, no.

I'm not listening to
any more fighting tonight.

Well, maybe they came out here
for another reason --

right, right, right?

Yeah, Mom.
We just came to help.

Well, great.
Think you can go back in time

and talk me out of
becoming a teacher?

She's feeling upset
about chasing her dream.

Mandy, do you think it was
a bad idea to chase your dream?

Um...Eve was the one who asked
if she could help, but okay.

Actually, I'm not talking
to Mandy-Eve.

I'm talking to Eve-Mandy.

(as Mandy) Oh,
you mean the fashion thing?

No,
it wasn't a mistake.

But a lot of people said
"You can't do that."

Well, because I was so pretty,
people thought I wasn't smart.

But I said "Screw them,"
because now my business

is almost too big
for that basement

because I am really smart.

Even my little sister
thinks so.

But she was making fun of you
all night long.

(as Eve) Yeah, 'cause I don't
want people to think that I care.

They'll think it's lame --
grumble, grumble, complain.

Can I say something?

No.

Your mom's dealing with a --
a major disappointment.

-(sighs)
-You can relate to that.

Heck yeah. My whole life,
I wanted to go to West Point.

It was my dream.

And when I didn't get in,
it really hurt.

But I didn't cry about it.

(clicks tongue)
I'm not a baby. I'm a badass.

But my big sister
cried about it,

even though
she never told me.

Well, I hate to cry, because
it ruins $40 worth of makeup.

But now, I have this
whole new music thing,

which I think
makes me pretty cool.

(Mike chuckles)

(normal voice)
And it sort of does.

-Um, my turn.
-No!

Dad.

All right.

Well, I'm sure
my wife will mock me for this,

but I'd like to share
something the Dalai Lama said

that I think speaks to
your situation.

He said "Sometimes
not getting what you want

can be a wonderful
stroke of luck."

-Hmm.
-What?

I read some of the books
you give me.

I love you, you jerk.

Look at that.
There's my family.

Where have you guys been
all night?

You know what?

This turned out to be
the perfect party.

(scoffs)
Well, of course. I planned it.

And we are gonna have one
every year!

You know, in a small way,
I blame myself.

(as Vanessa)
Okay, listen up!

I am a good teacher,
and I am not gonna go quietly.

I say we grab a carton of eggs,

head down to that school board,

and "eggs-press ourselves."

MANDY: Ah, sweetie,
don't be ridiculous.

Yeah, Kyle.
Everything's fine now.

I could
throw an egg or two.

Don't do it.
Let me do it.

I can get away with anything,
believe me.

-- Captions by VITAC --