Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Gameday Forecast: Showers - full transcript

Hey, Joe,
you're a car guy.

What do you think
of self-driving cars?

I don't like 'em.

I mean, you don't know
who to give the finger to.

All right, gentlemen,
Broncos-Chargers game

this Sunday,
Mike's house, right?

Any questions?

I got one.
Yeah?

Did you just invite people
to my house?

Yeah, well, that's where we watched
the Chargers game last season.

The Broncos went on
to win the Super Bowl,



so this year, we're going to do
everything the same way.

Sounds like fun.

Yeah, but not for you.
You're not coming.

I'm sorry.
You weren't there last year.

It's my house.

If I don't want Joe there,
it's not because he's bad luck.

It's because
I don't like him.

Now I know
who to give the finger to.

You're coming.

But if the Broncos lose,
it's your ass.

All your superstitions
make me nervous.

Nobody breathes
between downs.

Last year, I blacked out
and knocked over the end table.

You'll need to do that again
this year.



You know, Ed,
your rituals are insane.

There's only one reason why the
Broncos are gonna win tomorrow.

I control the game
with my mind.

Wait a minute. Are you
one of those people

who can control things with your mind?
Yes, Joe.

What do you call that?
Tele-- Tele--

Tele-nutcase. Tele-nutcase.
Let's go with that.

You want proof?

Remember Prater's
record 64-yard field goal?

It wasn't him.
All me.

Boom!

Ooh!

Morning. Just wanted to give
you guys these invites

to the wedding shower.

(chuckles) I just heard you say
"guys" and "wedding shower"

in the same sentence.

Yeah. You are all invited.

It is a Jack and Jill shower.

Who's Jack and Jill?

It's a wedding shower
for the bride and the groom.

We'll talk, play games.
It's gonna be great!

A guy and girl
getting married --

boy, you don't see that much
anymore.

I'm not going to go to this.
I don't even know these people.

It's Kyle and Mandy.

My wife wants us to go,
we're going.

It's the same time
as the game.

We're not going.

♪♪

But, Mom, my shower
has to be a spectacle,

and doves
would be beautiful.

Yes, they would.

So what makes it cruel?

You can't staple lace
on a bird.

Hey, guys.

Hey, hon.
(chuckles)

We are having
such a...time...

planning
Mandy and Kyle's shower.

You know, I just read
to take the stress off showers,

people are having them
on Wednesdays.

Uh, no.

Sunday's the only day
we could do it,

and you are gonna be there.

Yeah, oh, and Chuck, Joe, and Ed
are all coming, too, right?

'Cause you can never have
too many people

telling you what
a beautiful bride you'll be.

(laughs)

Seriously, somebody
tell me that, right now.

Yeah, they're coming, and they're
-- they're real excited about it.

So am I.
Really?

Even though the Broncos
are playing that day?

Wow. Has football season
started already?

Yeah, um...

I'm still waiting.

You will be
a beautiful bride, Mandy!

Oh, thanks, Mommy.

Hey, guys.
Hi.

Hey.

How was laser tag?

Oh, great.
Ryan was an animal.

Took out
a whole pack of 8-year-olds,

including
the birthday boy.

Yeah. I waited
for his mom to come comfort him,

and that's
when I dropped her.

(laughs)

I wasn't listening to any
of that, but great story, guys.

Um, can we please
get back to my shower?

It's actually not your shower.
It's for you and Kyle.

You share
the spotlight equally.

Mike, I see
what you're doing.

Uh, so do I,
and God bless him.

I'm the bride. I don't want to
share the spotlight.

Well, it's a --
it's a Jack and Jill shower,

so, legally,

you have to give
half the attention to Kyle.

How did I
not see that before?

Sweetie, would you be
horribly disappointed

if I forbid you from
coming to our shower? Ohh.

I'd never be horrible
at being disappointed.

That's the upside
to having awful parents.

Mandy, no. No, no, no.

Kyle is not
going to lose out

just because your dad
doesn't want to go to a party.

Come on, come on.

Well, we could always do
something for Kyle at my place.

Yes!
That would be a good idea.

Really? Really?
Ryan had a good idea?

Yeah. He has good ideas
on occasion.

I don't know why
you have to put the boy down.

(scoffs)

I'll be there, Ryan.

Yeah, and so will Mike.
You promise me.

Yeah, of course
I'll be there. Yeah.

All right.
Well, then it's a plan.

Kyle's shower, my house,
this Sunday.

Should we say 2:00?

Well, what do you say
we go with 1:30?

That way, we can catch the
highlights of the other sh-showers.

♪♪

VANESSA:
Hello, ladies. Come on in.

You can put your gifts
right there on that table,

and there's drinks
in the kitchen.

Mandy is going to be
a little late,

even though
she lives upstairs.

Oh, I forgot
Mandy was coming to this thing.

Okay, I have no idea
how to do this,

but I'm supposed to find
anyone who clashes with Mandy

and move them to the patio.

I will give you $20
if you tell Mandy I clash.

(doorbell rings)

Ed.
(chuckles)

If that wasn't
your valet out there,

I just tipped
a carjacker.

He was just...

You -- You do know the guys
are all at Ryan's house, right?

Oh, yes, yes.
I'm aware of that.

But I watched the Broncos play
the Chargers here last year.

You see, so...

Need I explain more?

Yes.

This is where
the magic happened.

Now,
with the guys gone,

my presence here
is even more crucial.

Okay,
now I'm even more confused,

but luckily, I don't care.

You can watch the game here.
Just stay out of our hair.

Thank you, thank you. Oh, and
just one more thing, please.

Uh, bring me a bowl of pretzels
in the 4th quarter,

like you did last season?

Ed, I can only handle
one crazy person today,

and that's Mandy.

All right.
You know what?

As I recall, you were cranky
like this last season, also.

This is good.
This is very good.

MANDY: Cameras ready,
I am entering!

VANESSA: Oh.

Everybody clashed?

♪♪

I've never been
to a wedding shower before.

I've been to weddings,
and I've showered...

...but I've never
put the two together.

There's no shower here.
I talked to Ryan.

We're just gonna
watch the football game.

Oh, well, that I've done before,
so I'm good.

RYAN: Come on in.

(laughs)

Welcome
to your shower, Kyle!

You totally got me,
Mr. B.

I thought we were gonna
watch the game.

What's going on, Ryan?

Yellow and blue --
these are Charger colors.

Yeah, they're also
my favorite.

Yellow and blue are the colors
of my grandmother's eyes.

Relax, okay? We're gonna watch
the game after the shower.

I got the DVR
set up to record --

No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to watch the game live.

Otherwise, my powers
have no effect.

Mike, that is so crazy.
It's not crazy!

I imagine what I want to happen,
ergo, it happens.

It's science.

(knock on door)
Come in.

Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey, what's going on,
Baxter?

You got us out of a shower

just to get us
into a different shower?

Not cool.

Hey, this isn't football food,
okay?

You can't eat little cakes
with your names on 'em

when you're watching
football.

Oh, Chuck, yours
is right here. Look.

It's a great shower, man.

Here's what's gonna happen --
I'm gonna sit in this couch,

farting,
watching the Bronco game.

You can sit and watch it
after the shower.

What goes on at these showers,
anyway?

Do you play games
and stuff?

Oh, that'd be fun.

I love the feeling
of having my hair braided.

I don't think we're going to be
doing that one, in particular.

We're going to
watch football.

Men don't braid their hair
when they're watching football.

I can't even believe
you said that in a sentence!

Guys, come on. There's plenty
of fun stuff we can do, okay?

I Googled
a great shower game,

like, "Guess what's in
the sock."

My foot.

"Know the bride."
Mandy.

Hey, hey. How about
let somebody else play, okay?

Oh, oh, and I got some mismatched
tuxedos from a vintage store.

We're going to dress Kyle up
and make him play our butler.

Hey, I like to dress up.

You got any denim shirts
in there?

We're not putting anything on
except the Bronco game!

Wow, this really bugs you,
Baxter.

(laughs)

Turns out the only thing more
fun than watching football

is watching Mike Baxter
not watch football.

Oh, Jeeves?

(British accent)
More tea, Lord Larabee?

Why, thank you,
Jeeves.

And, might I say,
your attire is splendid.

Hey, you guys
are pretty good.

Say, "Pass me me Lucky Charms."
(laughs)

All -- All right, hey, hey,
this insanity's ending.

Game's starting
in 5 minutes.

Now, now, Mike.
This is Kyle's special day.

We can do whatever he wants.

Kyle, have you had
enough of this crap? Really?

We've been watching
the Broncos games

since you started
dating Mandy.

I know. How cool is that? Great.

But it was really nice of Ryan
to do all this.

Fine. It'll be a great memory
for all of us.

Well, why can't we have a butler
and watch the game?

Then everybody wins.

Kyle, it's your day,
your decision.

And I don't want to tell you
what to do, Kyle,

but I just want
to point out

how fun it is
to see Mike this mad.

I'd like to take another crack
at guessing what's in that sock.

I say we watch the game.

Yes!

Unbelievable.
Oh, come on!

Now, this
is a bridal shower.

Listen, guys. Don't get
between me and my mojo.

It could affect
your chromosomes.

♪♪

MANDY:
Thank you so much!

Kyle and I are so lucky
to have this many friends.

You know,
at my wedding shower --

(laughs)
Kristin, come here.

I'm going to be smiling so people
think we're sharing a moment,

but a story
about your wedding shower

doesn't sound like
it's about me.

Now laugh.
(laughs loudly)

I love you.

Hey, right, guys.
Time for a shower game.

It's called
"Watch Eve eat."

There's also food
in the kitchen

and an ice cream cake that
wouldn't fit in the freezer,

so shake a leg, ladies.

Oh, my God, Rebecca,

I am so sorry Kristin put you
out on the patio.

I have no idea
what that was about. Really.

Mandy, Mandy, Mandy.
I need your help.

I'm -- I'm busy.
Gotta get Kristin.

Trust me.
This is important.

Come on.

That's it, that's it.

Last year, the Broncos
were in the red zone,

see, the way they are now.
Okay.

All right. And you --
you were sitting right here.

Attagirl.

And you kept asking me
questions.

What kind of questions?
What are you talking about?

Oh, that's good. That's good.
That's good.

Come on, guys. Come on, guys.
Punch it through.

Touchdown!
That's a touchdown!

That was all you, baby.

What are you talking about?
What did I do?

Save it for the second half,
now. Just...

Okay. This is really fun,
but I can't stay.

I have to get back
to my party, Ed.

Mandy, please.

I don't mean
to overstate this,

but without you here,

the hopes and dreams
of the city of Denver,

and our brave men and women
overseas,

will be crushed.

You really think
I'm that important?

I'm convinced of it.

Me too.

Millions of people
are counting on you.

That's the kind of audience
I've been looking for.

Okay. I'll stay.

Great. Great. Great.

And last year you kept
cracking your knuckles.

Please do that again.

No, that's not me.
That's Eve.

Please, just -- just...

Gotta get Eve!

♪♪

I'll just put
all this stuff away.

Oh, come on.
Don't be upset.

One of us
had to get our way.

Are you really surprised
it was me?

You know, I was just
trying to stand up for Kyle.

But, as usual, he just caved
to whatever you wanted.

He didn't cave.
He showed a little respect.

It'll be nice to have
a son-in-law

that actually does that.

Yeah, exactly. He's gonna be
your son-in-law, okay?

And that respect
will turn to resentment

when you're
calling the shots

on something bigger
that just some stupid shower.

Listen,

if Kyle decides
to resent me,

I'll just say,
"Hey, Kyle...

don't do that."

Yep. I bet you will,
because you don't respect him.

I respect him.

Maybe you forgot that I asked him
if he wanted to watch the game.

Come on. No, you didn't. You
totally pressured him into it.

You were like, "Kyle, you had
enough of this crap, right?"

Okay. First,
I'm going to ignore

that really bad impression
of me.

And, second, you're wrong.

Kyle made up his own mind.

(mockingly) And
since I didn't get my way,

I'm going to just go sit
in the kitchen.

(normal voice) That's exactly
how you sound.

That was a hell of a first half, huh?
That's right.

Wait till you see the interception I
have planned for the second half.

I just hope
the Broncos appreciate

what you do for them, sir.

Well, you know, last year they
gave him a Super Bowl ring --

Oh, no, wait.
Maybe I got that mixed up.

Maybe they're winning
because of Kyle.

He's the one
who gave up his shower.

Ah, not really.
That was all Mr. B.

You know what?

I'm kind of tired
of this game.

Let's play some shower games.
What do you think?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that sounds good, Mr. B.

Let's do it.

You know, uh, second half's
always kind of a battle.

Never mind.
Let's watch the game.

I agree. The game it is.

Nah, shower games.
Let's do that.

Good idea.

I-I'm confused.
Is -- Is this a shower game?

What are you doing, Baxter?

I'm just doing
what Kyle wants to.

What do you want to do,
Kyle?

I don't know.
Where'd we leave off?

Look, if you don't care,
maybe you should just leave.

And go where?

Maybe you'll have to make
that decision all on your own.

(voice breaking)
If that's a shower game,

it's the saddest one
I've ever seen.

What the hell's the matter
with you, Baxter?

This day
was supposed to be about Kyle.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know
what happened.

You know, I mean, I've heard
Mr. B. has a prickly side,

but you never expect
to actually see it.

Yeah, he hides that
pretty well.

Look, it just sounded like
he wanted you to make a choice.

Well, I was trying,
but he kept changing his mind.

Kyle, look, you're going to
disagree with Mike, okay?

It's okay. I disagree with him
all the time.

Yeah,
but he doesn't like you.

He respects me, okay?

Because I'm not afraid
to tell him

when something
he does bugs me.

I don't think I can be
like you.

You know, I mean, you know
most of the stuff that bugs you

I don't even get.

Like, what's wrong
with the rising oceans?

It makes more room
for the fish.

I am just saying that I know
where I stand with Mike.

Okay? Which is why
I actually feel

like I have a better
relationship with him

than you do.

Okay. Well, let's not compete
over Mr. B.,

because
I'll kick your ass.

Yes, he likes you a lot,

but does he treat you
as an equal?

I don't think I could ever be
equals with Mr. B.

Well, the first step might be
to stop calling him Mr. B.

So just "sir," then?

Kyle, trust me,
if you disagree with Mike,

he's still
gonna like you, okay?

And, even better than that,
he will respect you.

Like me and respect me?

Well,
that's the trifecta.

♪♪

Third and long.
You're on, girls.

All right.
Knuckle-cracking commencing.

Which one's the pitcher?

I can't watch.
I can't watch!

First down! First down.

Way to go, girls.
Good work.

Thank you.
Good work.

What are you girls doing
in here?

I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm needed.

Mandy, you are needed
at your shower, too.

Out there, 20 people need me.
In here...

millions.

Ed feels like if we don't repeat
exactly what we did last year,

the Broncos will lose.

Oh, Ed!

The girls don't have time
to do your silly rituals.

Silly rituals, Vanessa?

Silly rituals?

Well, you've invited friends
over today

for some rituals
of your own.

Well, that's different.
Oh, why?

Do you think this shower will
determine whether or not

Mandy will have
a happy marriage?

No, of course not.

But who knows?

Did the Broncos win
the Super Bowl last year

because of my rituals?

Probably not.

But who knows?

The cobra mesmerizes its prey
before it strikes.

And after the championship,
Kristin bought a house,

Mandy got engaged,

and Eve discovered
her musical talent.

Did all this happen

because of what we did here
last season?

Probably not.

"But who knows?"

The reason loved ones gather
to do these silly rituals

is not
to move the universe,

but to show each other
that we care.

Because there's one thing
we do know --

love has power.

It's the 4th quarter.

You need pretzels.

♪♪

I knew you were gonna try that.
That's why...

I took the batteries.

With his mind.
(eerie voice) Whoo-oo-oo!

Okay, you know what?
Kyle has something to say,

and he doesn't care
whether you like it or not.

Give me the batteries so I can turn
off the TV. This is gonna be good.

No, no.
I want to hear this.

Remember this?
It's called an on/off switch.

Oh, and I start my car
with an actual key.

Kyle, are you gonna say
something I don't like?

Yeah, um...

It's my day,
and I want to do shower games.

Even though I really want
to watch the game,

and I mean really.

Yes, and might I add that
I am only disagreeing with you

because I respect you.

And I want you to respect me
and treat me as an equal.

You really want to do this,
Kyle?

Yes, I do...

Mike.

"Mike"?

Oh, boy.

I was right. This is good. Yeah.

I'm glad you told me.
You're right to stand up to me.

BOTH: Whaaaaat?

If you're gonna be
my son-in-law,

it's important that we're
up front with each other.

This is
the best day ever!

I told you.

Yeah, okay. So, which shower
game should we play first?

None.
We're gonna watch the game.

But, you know,
I really respect what you did.

Wait. But I didn't get
what I wanted.

Yeah, congratulations.

You're on the way
to having

the same relationship
that I have with Mike.

Except that I like him.

(laughter)

Hey!
Hi.

Hey, guess what.

I won the football game!

She was unbelievable.

She was asking stupid questions
the whole second half.

Mandy and Kyle
will have a happy marriage

because I brought pretzels.
Yep.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

So, I could've
watched the game here

instead of arm wrestling
the ballerinas at Ryan's house?

Well, you know
what that means, Mikey.

If we win
the Super Bowl again,

you're gonna have to watch
the game every year at Ryan's.

(Laughs)

In that case, go Raiders!

Hey, Mike can watch the game
wherever he wants, Ed.

"Mike"?

"Ed"?

What the hell happened
over there?

-- Captions by VITAC --