Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - Papa Bear - full transcript

Kyle leaves the loading dock door open, allowing a bear to wander into Outdoor Man.

Why aren't you dressed?

Well, brunch isn't
till 10:00.

Right,
but then we go early,

we get a table close
to the buffet, right?

'Cause you can't sit
right at it.

We learned that
at Sizzler.

Just call Kristin and ask her
to save us a table.

I mean,
we have some pull.

She created the whole thing.
We created her...

Nah.

Nah, then she's got bigger
fish to fry -- literally.



This seafood buffet
she created is amazing.

It's like the ocean
just puked all over a table.

I know why you
want to go early.

-The brunch is her baby...
-No.

...she's your baby.

You want to make sure
everything goes okay.

What are you talking?
She's got this all covered.

She's doing a great job.

She was at work last night
till 1:00 A.M.

Yeah, and how do you
know that?

I was just there,
you know,

making sure the lobsters
don't claw her.

I don't trust
those rubber bands.

-Honey --
-They're very, very small.



It is okay to admit that you
want to protect your daughter.

-It's sweet.
-I'm not protecting her.

I just want to make sure
the brunch goes okay.

Yeah, that's called
protecting.

(raspy) Oh.
Hey, you guys.

Um...I've got
this thing.

It's a...
sore-throat thing.

Mm-hmm.

So, uh, yeah...

I'm not gonna be able
to go to church today.

We're not going
to church.

Today is Kristin's
first brunch.

(clears throat)

Oh, wait.
Oh, my God!

(gasps)
Hold on.

(chuckles)
I'm all better!

I'm healed! Yes!

Wow, that's a miracle.
(chuckles) Praise the Lord.

You know, maybe you can
go to church next Sunday,

and you can thank him
personally.

(laughs) Okay.
I'm gonna go get dressed.

I have the perfect
brunch outfit.

It says I'm here
to pick up my food,

look fabulous,
and judge others.

Mandy, hey.

You can't be late
for this, okay?

I know you'd like to make
an entrance,

but today's
your sister's big day.

Let her shine.

Okay, fine,
but who just got over

a really brave battle
with illness?

Why do her fake illnesses
give me a real headache?

I'm gonna get ready.
I'll meet you there.

All right.
Doll yourself up.

You're competing
with scallops wrapped in bacon.

About time, Mikey.

Yeah, I'm the worst.

Coming in an hour early
on my day off.

Thanks for being here.

Hey, no problem.

If I was home,
I'd be watching TV.

Here, I'm watching like
eight TVs, and I get overtime.

You know,
this whole concept of brunch

-doesn't make any sense to me.
-Well...

I mean,
you get breakfast and lunch

and you charge 'em once.

Who's the genius that came up
with that idea?

I think it was
Einstein's brother Melvin.

Very creative family.

You got to relax here.

Kris did
a lot of research

before she pitched
this buffet idea to us.

Our customers
are gonna love this.

Yeah?
Yeah, maybe too much.

If you haven't noticed,

they tend to be on the large side.
Well, you know...

They take "all you can eat"
as a challenge.

Go in your office,

do something
to take your mind off it.

When was the last time
you checked

your ex-wife's
Facebook page?

Yesterday.

Yeah, don't worry
about this.

Kris has got this
all taken care of.

Mikey, please, I'm counting
on you to keep an eye on things.

If this is a disaster,
we're done with brunch.

I don't need to keep
an eye on anything.

Ha! Yeah.

Show me
the restaurant.

On it.

Uh, the buffet's all iced
and ready to go.

Uh-huh.

There's us looking
at the monitors.

That's useless.

I can't -- What's Kyle
doing on the loading dock?

Enhance that for me.

"Enhance"?

This isn't "CSI," Baxter.

I can make it bigger.

Looks like he's opening
a bag of cat food.

Oh, good.

He's feeding stray cats
100 feet from a seafood buffet.

What goes on in that kid's head?
I don't know.

If you got close enough,
you'd probably hear

a wind-up monkey
playing the cymbals.

Hey, Kyle! Kyle!
What the hell are you doing?

You said you didn't want
stray cats

eating out
of the Dumpster.

Problem solved.

Now you're luring feral cats
to a seafood buffet.

Oh, no.
They're not feral anymore.

I named them.

Well, of course you did.

Tell you what --

Get rid of the food
and the bowl,

-close the loading dock door.
-Yes, sir.

And you know what?

Think of taking a day off
now and then.

You're killing me.

Isabella: Kyle,
get your lazy ass over here!

Hang on, Isabella.

(cat meows)

Hi, Mom!

Hey!

(laughing) Hi!

Wow!

Wow, Kristin,
this is incredible.

I know.
Isn't it?

We have smoked
Pacific coho sal--

Ah, ah!
Don't touch it --

Alaskan king crab.
Don't touch.

And, my personal favorite,
local rainbow tr--

Don't!

But I'm hungry.

Have some ice.

(laughs)

Honey, I know how hard
you've been working on this.

I mean,
you did an amazing job.

Yeah, she's been
practically living here.

Uh, by the way,
I'm Ryan, your husband.

And that little guy you were
just talking to is your son.

Ha, ha.

Can we talk
about this at home?

Sure, but first,
let's have

the most important brunch
in the entire world.

Hey, come on.
You guys don't bicker like this.

Something is fishy.

Ryan is upset
because he thinks

I've been spending
too much time at work.

You slept here
last night.

I didn't get the room
finished until 2:00,

and the food truck's
coming at 6:00, okay?

It's not like
I was at the spa.

This morning I showered

with the sprayer we use
to wash the vegetables.

This brunch has been
taking over your life.

I mean,
we moved into a new house,

and you haven't even
met the neighbors.

They think
I'm a widower.

We are up to our eyeballs
in casseroles.

Hey, guys, let's not ruin
this special day by being...

crabby.

All right.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Just, I see food and...
[seafood]

(laughs)

Ha! I made a joke!

Oh!

I've gone too far now.

Hey, your family's here.

Great.

And that shy busboy
finally had the guts

to ask out
that cute waitress.

What?

You watch 'em all day,
you can't help but care.

Just keep an eye on Kyle,
will ya?

Make sure he doesn't do
something else really stupid.

Uh, Baxter...

That didn't take long.

He left the door open.

Oh, great.

Now I have a warehouse
full of cats, and I hate cats.

Dogs are right.

Well, don't worry
about the cats.

They probably ran away
when they saw this guy.

Is that a bear?

Yeah.

You want me
to enhance it?

Mike: I got to get my family
out of the grill.

And I'll call
Parks and Wildlife,

and let them know we have
a bear in the warehouse.

A bear?

Oh, shoot!
I forgot to close that door!

Well, the good news
is I'm not mad at you

about the cats anymore.

I want you to go down
to the kitchen,

get all the staff
up here quietly.

You don't want
to panic them.

I don't want
anybody panicked!

Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go!

I heard yelling.

Is there trouble
with the brunch?

No! No! No!

Uh, Chuck was asking
for a raise.

Shut that down, Mikey.

That's right. Hey.

Let's go,
let's go, let's go!

How are things going at the new house?
Uh, pretty good.

Boyd has been helping me
with the decorating.

You know what 10-year-old boys
suck at?

-Decorating.
-Decorating.

Yeah, he did the living room
in early American "Star Wars."

Well, I'm sorry,
Kristin.

When you move back in,
we will change it.

Can you believe him?

Kind of.

I mean, I understand
where he's coming from.

That's right.

I should only complain
about Ryan to Dad.

You know, honey,
whenever your father

gets involved
in a new project,

he also goes a little overboard
in his attention to detail.

Isn't that a good thing?

Yes, unless you're
one of the details

he's not
paying attention to.

I'm just saying
maybe cut Ryan some slack.

Hey, Boyd, listen, I hid
a dollar bill up in the office.

Why don't you go see
if you can find it.

Cool!

You too, honey.

Why?

What?
You don't need a dollar?

What are you
talking about?

What's with all
the questions?

Let's just go upstairs.

Everybody,
let's just go upstairs.

Dad, I still have a ton of work
to do down here.

Do it later.

I need to be here now.

You are never gonna get her
to leave, Mike.

Don't even try it.

Listen, excuse me.

Everybody upstairs.
Now! Now!

Come on, let's go.

Let's go upstairs for a minute.
Come on.

Is there
something wrong?

Not if you enjoyed
"The Revenant."

So, you just play
in here, Boyd.

And, uh -- And if you hear
scratching at the door...

i-it's just Grandma.

So, uh --

But don't -- don't open the door
for Grandma, no matter what!

A-And if Grandma
does get in the door,

then, uh --
then just remember to, uh,

to stand real tall
and cover your neck.

What the hell is a bear
doing in the store?

He's ruining my brunch.

I used to think
that bears were cute,

but, you know what, as of today,
bears can kiss my ass.

Brunch is gonna be fine.
We got this under control.

Parks and Wildlife says
they can't get here

for another 20 minutes.

There's a bear
at a gas station too.

Are there any bears
in the woods?

All right, everybody.
We're all good up here.

Everybody's fine
right where we are.

Not Kyle.

He's in the warehouse,
and he's got a rifle.

Wait, wait.
He cannot kill the bear.

Well, not with that gun.
It's a tranquilizing-dart gun.

Also, he'll -- he'll just put
the bear to sleep.

-That's perfect, right?
-(chuckles) Yeah.

If we were legally allowed
to sell the tranquilizer

that goes in the darts.

So, he's about to corner
a wild bear

and shoot it
with an empty dart?

This is quickly becoming
one of those stories

that bears tell
other bears.

Kyle? Kyle?

Kyle!

Hey, hey!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Listen, I-I know
I ask you this a lot,

but what the hell
are you doing?

I'm the reason
he's in here, Mr. B.

Don't worry, we're giving
you credit for that.

You know, there's not
tranquilizer in those darts.

Really?
So what the hell am I doing?

I don't know.

We're gonna go back upstairs,
all right?

(growls)

Not that way, though.

Am I not moving?

Kyle, we're gonna be fine,
we're gonna be fine.

Don't make a lot of noise
and just back away.

Back away, back away.

Okay, Mr. B.

Hey, I wonder if it's true
that bears can smell fear.

(roars)

That would be
your answer!

You know,
last time I did this,

there were Jehovah's Witnesses
coming down the block.

You're really funny,
Mr. B.

It's gonna be an honor
to die with you today.

If we do go to heaven,

let me handle closing
the pearly gates, okay?

Hey, Chuck, I need the ETA
on Parks and Wildlife, over.

High tight, Baxter.
They're on their way.

Chuck, shouldn't you
do something?

I mean, you are head
of security for the store.

Yes.
And I'll go down there

as soon as the bear
starts shoplifting.

Look, you know,
Mike and Kyle will be fine.

When the bear
smells the food,

he'll head straight
for the buffet.

Well, I guess that's the end
of brunch at Outdoor Man.

Oh.
I'll talk to her.

No, you know what?
I will go talk to her.

Well, this sucks.

I know how much work
you put into this thing.

I was scared.

What?

That's why I was
working so much.

This was the first big thing
I've done on my own.

No, it's not.
What about the grill?

Dad and Ed helped me
with that.

This was all me.

And I just wanted to prove
that I could do it --

not even to them,
to myself.

I didn't know.

But after spending
four days

looking for the perfect
shrimp fork,

turns out I forgot
the first rule of brunches --

no bears!

I'm sorry I put you and Boyd
through that.

All for nothing.

I feel so bad for her.
I wish I could do something.

I think I can.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Olly olly oxen free!

Whatever that means!

Nobody here
for Kristin's big day.

Classic!

(laughs)

This is so dumb.
I am so dumb.

Okay, here we --

-Hey!
-Aah!

What are you doing?
You have to run.

(laughs)
I'm in brunch heels.

I'm not running anywhere.

What are you doing?

Okay, there is a bear
in the store,

and everyone's upstairs.

You need to get up there
right now, okay?

What?

If there's a bear in the store,
why are you holding a salmon?

'Cause I am trying not to have
Kristin's brunch get ruined,

so I'm gonna lure it
out of the store with this.

Oh, no! A bear!
Bears are so dangerous!

Don't let him eat
my little face!

(high-pitched squealing)

Oh, please, I'm trying not
to think about that, okay?

Just run, okay?

Should of just gone
to church. God.

Are you okay, Mike?

(bear roars)

Yeah, we're great.

W-Will these boxes
protect us from the bear?

No, probably not,
but it'll be something

to send our organs
to the hospital in.

Ryan: Bear?

Where are you,
peaceful woodland creature?

Want some brunch?

Hey, what's Ryan
doing down here?

Oh, God!
You are huge!

Ryan just ran past the bear
holding a salmon.

How did that kid's ancestors
ever survive?

Come and get it, bear!

Delicious,
wild-caught salmon

from our already-
overfished oceans!

He's trying to draw
the bear away.

Did it work?

(growls)

Please tell me
that's a cat.

The bear ignored
the salmon.

Why would that bear
ignore a salmon?

What does he want
in here?

He's after me.

Yeah?

It's my conditioner.
It's honey lavender.

It doesn't make any sense,

unless he...is a she.

Whoa.

He had -- Oh.

(whimpering)

(chuckles)

Oh, he's adorable!

Yeah, well,
we're not keeping him.

Listen, we found
a bear cub in here.

Been nice knowing you,
Baxter.

Oh, thank God.

Parks and Wildlife
are here, Mike.

No, no, no, no. You tell
Parks and Wildlife to calm down.

If they see that bear getting
aggressive, they may put it down.

They do not want
that bear hurt.

Give me five minutes
to get this cub out of here.

You copy that?

Wait, there's really
a bear in the store?

Will this be
on national news,

because I'm only dressed
for local.

I need to move
these boxes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mr. B, are you sure
that's a good idea?

'Cause I've come to really
appreciate that door.

The bear doesn't
want to hurt us.

The bear just wants
to protect her cub.

Help me move these
out of the way.

All right,
get behind the door.

Let's go.
Come on.

Come here,
come here.

It's all right,
it's all right.

It's okay.
It's all right.

It's all right,
it's all right.

(bear growling)

Come on, come on.

And that, Kyle, is...

why we don't
feed cats.

Mama and baby bear
are headed back to the woods.

Yeah, with a salmon
and an adventure

they will remember
forever.

You know,
bears like bread, too.

You always got to figure out
a way to cost me money,

but, uh, appreciate what you did.
Thank you.

We'll follow them
to make sure they get there

without incident,
but you folks are all clear.

-Thank you.
-Thanks for coming by.

I cannot believe
you did that!

That was so --

Brave?

Uh, I was gonna say stupid,
but I guess it can be both.

I didn't want all your hard work
to go to waste.

But, yeah.
That was really dumb.

Yeah.

Isn't he the sweetest?

I did something
stupid, too.

You're damn straight,
Baxter.

You dying on my watch is not
gonna help my Yelp reviews.

Why'd you take the risk
of opening that door?

I think maybe he knows
what it feels like

to want to protect
your cub.

Right, papa bear?

You know, in the book,

the mama bear
doesn't talk so much.

I love it
when you get embarrassed

because you
have feelings.

Kyle, did you do
anything stupidly brave?

No. I was smart.

You tried to shoot an angry
mama bear with a dart gun.

Hey, yeah!
That was super dumb!

Yay! Kyle wins!

Hey, it's almost 10:00.

Aren't we all excited
about doing something?

My brunch!
Get out of my way!

Come on, come on.
You want to get a good table.

What's the point?
No more salmon.

So, you --

What's everybody
doing up here?

Am I the only one who cares
about this damn brunch?

Come on, let's go.

It's kind of cute
that everybody thinks

I don't know anything
about the bear, huh?

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

Over the years,
I've found myself facing

some pretty scary situations --

Anacondas in the Amazon --

ckk, ckk, ckk, ckk, ckk! --

hungry lions
on the Serengeti --

"Down, boy --"

a woman's book club that ran
out of vodka in my own home.

(slurring)
Eat, pray, refill!

(normal voice) But as any
outdoorsman will tell you,

there's no place as dangerous

as being between a mama bear
and her cub.

It's like being between Hillary
and a Wall Street moneyman.

Of course,
a mama bear only worries

about her offspring
for 17 months,

then she kicks them in the ass
and chases them away.

Humans --
we don't stop worrying

about our kids
until two weeks after we die.

You'd think
it would get easier

once they leave the nest,

but it actually gets worse
once they roam free.

All we do is fret.

We can even tag their ears so
we can track their migrations.

Or can we?

Trademark Outdoor Man.

(clicks tongue)
"Dad!"

Yeah, being a human parent

means signing
an eternal contract to worry.

And when you finally see
the bright light

coming towards you
at the very end,

you know what your last
thought's gonna be?

(imitates flatline)

I got to check the tire pressure
on Mandy's car!

-- Captions by VITAC --