Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Where There's Smoke, There's Ire - full transcript

Vanessa: Anyway, that's probably
more detail than you need.

But the point is the teachers'
union has bent over backwards

to try to solve
this thing,

and the school board
has just dug in.

You know
who suffers?

Me.

The students.

The students --
aren't they supposed to be

the most
important thing?

They're the reason
I became a teacher.

But, no, it's like everybody's
forgotten about them.



Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I hear that diaries are still
a thing with your generation.

Do you want a pen?

I think I fixed
the barbecue grill.

Oh, Dad, thank God!

Oh, Mom needs to vent about her
union strike-y thingy,

but I have
to stop listening.

Listen, listen.
Sit down.

No, come --
Sit, sit.

I actually cannot listen
to your mom vent.

No, but you have to
because you married her.

I just walked
into the kitchen.

I literally can't listen
to your mom vent. Vanessa.

Well, over the years,
your father and I have come up



with a healthy way of dealing
with these situations.

Yeah, we don't deal
with these situations.

Okay, how is that
healthy?

Sometimes, I just need
a sympathetic ear

to listen
to how I'm feeling.

And your dad,
bless his heart,

can't help
but try to fix things.

That's me, the annoying
tool man

just trying to make
things better.

You've heard
of that book

"Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus."

Oh, the follow-up --

"Why All the Crap on Venus
is Still Broken."

[ Chuckles ]

And we're just different,
so we have a pact.

When I want to share
my feelings,

I find somebody else
to talk to.

And I try to get out
of the house quick

so I don't try
to fix something.

Yeah.

It's how a good marriage
evolves.

You should remember this
when you marry Kyle.

Yeah,
totally unnecessary.

I don't have any problems, and
Kyle doesn't have any solutions.

Perfect.

See, she already doesn't
want my advice,

just like her mother.
Ah.

So, good luck with
whatever's bothering you.

Yeah,
thanks, sweetie.

So, where was I?
Oh, my God.

If I don't know,
are you gonna start over again?

-- Captions by VITAC --

Hey, you better be
on fire out there.

Relax, Dad,
I'm not smoking.

I'm vaping.
Oh, that's nice.

At least you're not
doing something

that's just bad for you,
but it looks stupid, too.

It can't be unhealthy --
Tons of celebrities do it,

and they know
how to take care of themselves

because their lives are more
important than regular people's.

Yeah?
Google Nick Nolte.

Look at his picture.
He's 26 years old.

You don't get it 'cause your
generation's smoking

was all gross tobacco,
and ours is made of water

and is good for you.

Come on, get rid of that thing
before your mom gets home.

She's going through
enough stress

with that
potential strike thing.

She doesn't need to see
her daughter toking on a kazoo.

Okay, well,
here's an idea.

Just don't tell her.

What -- no.

Hey.

What, uh --
what's going on?

She's smoking
one of those vape pens.

[ Coughs ] Narc.

Seriously?

Mandy, you are way
too smart...

Mandy, this is really bad
for you.

Here's the thing --
no, it's not.

It's basically just water,
and hydrating is healthy --

scientific fact.

Really?

We have
a scientist right here.

Why don't we ask her?

Yeah.
[ Scoffs ]

Come on,
give it to her.

Not fair.

Just lay out the facts
and suck the joy out of it,

just like you did our trip
to the Grand Canyon.

All right.

Look, look, as a scientist,
I can tell you

that this is not
just harmless water vapor.

There you go. And no matter
what form it's delivered in,

nicotine
is a vasoconstrictor.

Honey, honey.
And beyond that,

the liquids used are polluted
with chemical additives.

And not the delicious kind
they put in hot dogs.

But they're still safer
than cigarettes.

There are studies.

No, you're the study.

Your generation
are the guinea pigs.

We -- We won't know
how sick

these things can make you
for another 20 years.

By then,
we're using jetpacks.

You don't want to be too sick
to fly around in one of those.

This could also be a gateway
to cigarette smoking.

Yes,
a horrible addiction.

Yes. You know, when I
was a grad student,

I started having a cigarette
every now and then

just as
a stress reliever.

And before I knew it,
I was hooked.

Held tight
in its velvety grip.

Living for the sweet release
of that first morning drag.

It just melts
all your troubles away.

Now I want
a cigarette.

Just don't do it.
It's bad for you.

Okay, but I'm 22.
I can do what I want.

No, you're living
in our house,

and we're paying
your health insurance.

It's doesn't matter
if you're 42.

Which is how old you'll look
if you keep vaping.

That is literally the meanest
thing you've ever said to me.

Let me
make it simple.

Give me your house key
or give me the vape pen.

Ugh.

Oh, and for the record,
I will not look 42

until I am well
into my 60s.

Just unbelievable.

Uh...
Well, look at that.

Solving problems.

You want to take a shot
at the strike thing?

Well, I really don't think that's
something that can be solved,

but if you want to talk about
how it makes us feel...

Nah, I got to work
on that grill.

You are not going
to believe this.

You finished remodeling
the basement?

Oh, no, not even close,
no idea what I'm doing.

Oh, my God.

A safe?
Uh-huh.

And I checked online --
whenever you buy a house,

whatever's inside of it
is yours.

So, it's our safe.

Absolutely, according to the
landmark Supreme Court decision

Finders v. Keepers.

This is awesome. What do you
think is in it?

I don't know, but it's probably
something really valuable,

like journals or letters

or maybe an unpublished
manuscript for a novel.

Ooh, we could spend the rest
of our lives reading.

Come on, think big --
it's a safe.

There could be silver
or gold doubloons.

Okay, I'm just saying there are
different kinds of treasure.

Yeah, but the best kind
of treasure is actual treasure.

How do we get in it?

I don't know, won't budge.
[ Sighs ]

Ryan, there could be absolutely
anything in there.

I know.
It is such a great feeling.

It's even better than
when we pulled up the carpet

and we found
hardwood floors.

It's just
so frustrating.

I mean, I became a teacher
to teach,

not to paint a stupid sign
and march around chanting.

I teach art, dance,
and music,

so that's pretty much
my job description.

Well, if there is a strike,
I know who's making my sign.

[ Laughs ]

Boy, you really think
this could happen?

Mm.
I hope not.

Those poor kids will miss out
on so much class time.

Oh, and we're about
to cover parabolas,

their
absolute favorite.

Hey.
Oh, hi.

Uh, is this
book club tonight?

'Cause you might need some more
members and, um, a book.

[ Laughs ]

Mike, you remember Sheryl from school.
Yeah, of course.

We sat together during
that awful spring concert.

She's, uh,
she's the music teacher.

[ Clears throat ]
Ah.

When I say "awful," you know,
it's awf-- full of awe.

You could say it
that way.

No offense taken.

Oh, by the way,
that tent you sold me sucks.

Thank you so much
for the glass of wine.

I'll see you
at the meeting tomorrow.

Bye, Sheryl.
Bye.

So, um,
what meeting?

I joke about your wine,
but I don't think

you have a problem.
[ Scoffs ]

The, uh, the union is voting on
a strike authorization.

I was up half the night
worrying about it.

I almost woke up Mandy
to vent.

I've been having a terrible,
terrible week at work.

Oh, is your
fancy leather chair

making that "squeak-squoosh"
sound again?

Well, I know I'd explain
what's going on,

but you'd have to understand,
you know, kayaks.

But, uh, you know,
it would help me

if you were to take me
up to the cabin

so I could get my mind
off that terrible kayak.

Oh, that would
help you, huh?

Right, or what would be great
is, uh, you know, a spa day.

I really could use
a mani-pedi.

Honey, you're very sweet,
but I don't need

a spa
or a cabin getaway.

I will figure this out
on my own.

All right.

Just stay away from my feet
in bed because my nails

are like little,
tiny machetes.

Why were those people cheering
when the strike vote passed?

These kids can't afford
any time off.

Well,
neither can I.

The last strike lasted 52 days.
Ugh.

I had to go get a job
at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Which is a super-fun place
to run into your students.

I didn't know
you smoked.

I'm not judging.
At least you look cool.

Well, I've been trying to quit,
but it's rough.

I hear vaping is supposed
to be safer?

Well, it's, uh --
it's basically just water,

and hydrating
is healthy.

There are studies.

Hm. I might have
to give that a try.

Yeah, well, it's definitely
the way to go.

I mean, you don't want
that monkey on your back.

You know what?
You're right.

I am gonna go buy
one of those pens.

Thanks.
Yeah.

Vape life.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Hey, Mr. Alzate, I
think you'll be proud.

I set up that new line
of sleeping bags,

reordered the crossbows,
and told a teenager

to pull up
his damn pants.

Well, it's nice to have
someone older than me around.

I'm glad you're spending
your gap year with us

and not traipsing
around Europe.

Well,
Europe's overrated.

It's nothing but old churches
and foreigners.

Hey. Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey, Ed,
uh...you're rich.

Do you have a safe?

Yes, I do.

But it's wired to explode,
so don't get any ideas.

Ryan and I found an old safe
in the basement,

and we don't know
how to get into it.

Well, you could
either call a locksmith

or drop it off a cliff
onto a coyote.

No, do not call
a locksmith.

You don't want
a total stranger finding out

you may have a safe
full of valuables. No, no.

Why can't you just tell Ryan

there's an endangered
salamander in there

and watch him
claw through it?

What you need is someone
who knows locks.

Here, watch this.

Kyle.
What are you doing?

Hey. You wanted me,
Mr. Alzate?

Yes, I accidentally locked
my keys in the office again.

[ Chuckles ]
No problem, sir.

Do you mind?

Sure.

There you go.

There you go.

Kyle, we are one
munitions expert away

from knocking over
a casino.

Young man
can get past any lock.

My mom used to lock me out
of the house a lot.

Yeah.

Hilarious.
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, son, I need you
to crack a safe.

I see.

Are we going back to your
ex-wife's house again?

I mean, what deed
to a lake house?

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Spritzes ]

Ooh.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Door closes ]

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Welcome home.
Good, oh, yeah.

Mm, okay.

So,
you're smoking.

Damn it.

How did you know?

You smell like Febreze
has a new scent --

burnt sock.

You know what?
It's -- It's not a big deal.

What about all that stuff
you told Mandy?

All that boring
scientific stuff --

that sounded
pretty bad.

I'm only smoking to help me get
through this strike nightmare.

Smoking is not a solution
to a problem.

It's a new problem.

I'm not happy
about it either.

It just feels like something
I need to do.

There's other ways you can
eliminate stress in your life.

You can have sex
with your husband.

Then I'd want
a cigarette.

You give me
a lot of credit.

Mike, you're trying
to fix it.

You're breaking
the pact.

No, no, the pact is null
and void when you go crazy

like sticking a Febreze
sheet in your bra.

Look, I'm not your child.
Really?

You don't get to tell me
what I can and can't do.

Oh, yeah,
just watch me.

You can't smoke.

Oh?
We're done talking.

Oh. I'll be in the backyard.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, guys, you know when
you have happy hour every day,

it just turns
into sad hour.

I would've invited you,
Mike, but you're usually

in a rush
to go home.

Not tonight.

Vanessa is smoking.

I don't like to comment
on other men's wives,

but since you
opened the door...

Yeah, she's a hottie.
Yeah.

I would never peg Vanessa
as a smoker.

Yeah, she hasn't smoked
a cigarette in like 30 years,

but this teachers' strike has
her like climbing the walls.

It's driving
Carol crazy, too.

She started
kickboxing again.

That's why
I'm staying late.

I hate her smoking,
but what am I gonna do?

Ugh, one day my dad caught me
smoking behind the garage.

[ Chuckles ]

Never piss off
your dad near a rake.

When my father caught me,
he made me smoke two packs

of Pall Malls,
one right after the other.

Does that
actually work?

Like a charm,
yeah.

I was a loyal
Pall Mall smoker

for 25 years.

They're all good ideas,
you know?

But I don't think we got
a working strategy yet.

It's not like it's one
of his kids. It's his wife.

I -- I understand.
Give her a clear choice.

Stop smoking
or we're through.

Great, from a guy who's making
four alimony payments.

When a woman
has a problem,

that's when you know
a marriage is over.

I don't think I'm gonna
divorce my wife over this.

I just need to find a way to
tell her that I really hate it.

Then what are you sitting here
with us for?

You smoked Pall Malls
for 25 years?

Your dad hit you
with a rake?

This really
is sad hour.

[ Clicking ]

Second number
is 31.

This is
so exciting.

Isn't it?

Let me check.

Yep,
very exciting.

Oh, I can't wait
to see what's inside.

How are we gonna
divvy this up?

Ooh, uh, let's see -- the people
that own the house get it,

and the people that don't...
don't.

Hmm, well, what if it's
something you don't really want,

like old pistols or a job.
[ Chuckles ]

14.
We're in.

Oh, you know
what's exciting?

This feeling
right here, right now

that anything
could be in there.

It's like
Christmas morning.

Yeah, except my mom's
not passed out in the manger.

Are we sure
that we want to open it?

I don't know.

Ugh, how long have you two been
down here sucking up asbestos?

Just open the safe.

All right,
Kyle, open it.

Oh, no, wait,
don't open it.

You're right,
open it.

Ooh, wait, mm.

Okay, just do it.

It's empty.

Well, this sucks.

Now it's like
Christmas.

I guess we just like
not knowing better.

Wait.
What's that up here?

It's a key.

Key to what?
I don't know.

But there's got to be
something amazing in it.

Yeah.

Like,
it's so valuable

that they had
to put the key in a safe.

Like, if it's a book,
it's a really rare book.

And if it's money,
it's a lot of money.

We're still gonna try this on
every lock to see, right?

Oh, yeah.
Totally.

Hey, slick.

I saw you palming that key
when you reached into the safe.

What are you up to?

They were having
so much fun

just imagining
what was in there,

and now they have that
again.

Well, that's pretty sweet
of you.

Where'd you get
the key?

Oh, I've had it
for a while.

It's to
Mr. Alzate's safe.

Hey.
Hey.

Is that
our wedding album?

Yeah, we're gonna have to
tear up that pact we made

and do that venting
we don't do.

Oh, really?

Really, are you capable
of sitting quietly

and listening while I share
my feelings?

No.

You're gonna sit quietly
while I share my feelings.

But won't that
make you die?

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, "Vanessa, today is
the happiest day of my life."

Wait, wait, wait.

Why are you reading
your wedding vows?

Zip it.

I'm sharing.

"Today, I ask you to be
my wife, my equal,

to bring to my life the part of
me I never knew was missing,

the part that will
make me whole."

That was such
a wonderful speech --

Honey.

It's not easy just to sit there
and listen, is it?

"I will share you laughter
and your tears,

your dreams,
and your fears."

I had no idea that rhymed
until just now.

Still so beautiful.

Pipe down
just for a minute.

"And I promise that I will love
you every day of your life,

and I will protect you
from anything

that tries
to harm you."

I hate that you smoke because
it makes me feel helpless,

and then I can't do
what I vowed to do.

All right, well, I have sat
quietly long enough.

So, what are you
gonna do?

You got to talk.
Now I get to fix this.

You know, you should share
your feelings more often.

You are pretty good
at it.

Only with you.
Don't tell other people.

That
would make me die.

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

Hey, check out
my big buddy here.

The western black rhino.

3,000 pounds of cranky,
pissed-off muscle.

Hey, you'd be grumpy, too,
if God put a spear

coming straight
out of your face.

Just ask Barbra Streisand.

For 50 million years, nothing
fazed this ugly bastard.

Drought? I don't need
no stinkin' water.

Ice age?

Hey, wooly mammoth,
fur coats are for sissies.

So why is the black rhino
extinct?

Because they fell prey

to the most dangerous predator
of all --

horny humans.

Yeah, a, uh, "far eastern"
business man decided

crushed rhino horn could put
some lead in that tiny pencil.

You know, like the ones
you use on a golf scorecard.

That was that.

His horn
became a problem.

The rhino couldn't
get rid of it.

He didn't evolve.

So, buh-bye.

It's just like
a marriage, really.

If you and your spouse have
a problem and you don't evolve,

then your marriage
will be like this Rhino

and exist only
in pricey photographs.

On sale all this week
at Outdoor Man's Decorating Den.