Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Shortcut - full transcript

Hey, Ed.

Hmm.

Got you something.

That better not
be your finger

poking through the bottom
of that box again.

That scared the pudding
out of me.

25 years ago today,
we got in business together.

This is my way
of saying thank you

for letting me
make you rich.

Come on, Mikey.

Aww, look at that.
(chuckles)



Wow.

Well, you've done pretty well,
too, Mike.

Look how much you just blew
on a --

on a dumb
anniversary present.

I'll take that
as a "thank you."

Congrats.

All right, pal.
(stammers)

I've got something
for you.

Just hold one second
here.

Ah, yes.
(clears throat)

A, um,
gold pen and pencil set.

Oh, I can't accept that.

I gave that to you
on our 20th.

And I've seen you clean your ear
with that pen.



Yeah. I'm sorry.
I just --

I just can't remember
these damn anniversaries.

Eh, don't worry.
It's not like we're married.

Maybe that's why
we lasted so long.

Thank you, pal.
Congratulations.

All right, good.
Look at that.

-Hey, hon.
-Hey, Dad.

I'm a schmuck.

Do you want me to argue
or agree?

You dad just
gave me a watch

to celebrate our being partners
for 25 years,

and I tried to give him a pen
that had been in my ear.

Oh, well, you know, Dad's
not really into fancy gifts.

Why don't you just take him
to dinner or something?

Well -- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

How about a tribute dinner
at Outdoor Man Grill?

We could have speeches
and slide shows.

It would blow him away.

Wow. That would be a pretty
thoughtful gift, Ed.

A lot more thoughtful
than this watch, I think.

Damn, he had it engraved.

(clears throat)

(voice breaking)
I love you, too, buddy.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Well, that was
a waste of time.

I just clicked through
25 questions

to find out I should be
living in Colorado.

I took that same test.

It said I should be living
in 1956.

Oh, my God! Guys!
Look at what I just got!

Front Range Fashions wants
to buy Mandy Baxter Designs!

Mandy!
Honey, that's amazing!

Wow, the little company that you
run out of our little basement

is somehow on the
fashion industry radar.

Wow, Mom.

Way to compliment me --
two "littles" and a "somehow."

It is a compliment.

You started this little company
all by yourself,

and look at you -- radar!

-I'm really psyched.
-Yeah.

And now, after Kyle and I
get married,

we can finally afford
one of those downtown lofts

like he's always dreamed
of me having.

And, you know,
then we'll have money

left over
to grow the company.

Yeah, one tiny thing --

you make all that money
by selling your company.

That's like
selling your kid

so you can afford to send him
to college.

No.

I'd just be
selling the name,

like Lincoln did
with that memorial.

He ended slavery.
You make crop tops.

Good comparison.

There's also
a noncompete clause.

Means you can't sell
or make clothes for two years.

Oh. Yeah, sweetie,
you'd essentially

be out of
the fashion business.

Right. If you want my advice,
which you do,

I say tell them to drop this
and just work hard

and make your own company.

Okay, so you're saying I should
pick years of hard work

over lots of money now?

It's like you don't
even know me.

I know you,
and I know your generation.

It's all about
instant gratification.

You know, I blame the Internet
and that yogurt in a tube.

Yeah.

Get a spoon, sit down,
and do the work!

Your father always says,
"Business isn't a sprint.

It's a marathon."

Um, actually,
Sprint is a business.

Why am I taking advice
from you?

(laughs)

Honey, the bottom line is
there are no shortcuts.

All right.
I appreciate it

when you give me
one of your talks, Dad,

but, uh, money also talks.

And what makes this decision
so hard is that...

I really love you both.

Actually,
she did get you on one point.

Sprint is a business.

(scoffs)

Did you have to touch
every one of them?

I touched one...

to move it out of the way
to get to the one I wanted.

Legally, the first one you touch
should be the one you eat.

Okay.

Could I see you guys
a moment, please?

Oh, great. Great.
Now we're both in trouble.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

All right.

I'm planning a surprise dinner
for Mike

to honor his service
to the store.

You know, I don't think you know
how surprise works.

You're not supposed
to tell people.

I-I'll be giving a speech.

I want you guys
to give one, too.

Why us?

Because you're
his best friends.

(both laugh)

Yeah.

I don't want to be the only one
giving a speech, all right?

So, please, come up
with something,

run it by me tomorrow.

Come on.
Okay, thank you.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you.

Okay.
Good, good, good.

And from now on,
you don't touch a doughnut

unless you're
gonna eat it.

Dad!
You're a genius.

Now, that is how you
enter a room.

Yeah, especially if your dad
is Albert Einstein.

If your dad
was Ronald Reagan,

you'd say, "Dad,
you're an airport."

MANDY: That's good.

Listen.

I've thought about
Front Range Fashions' offer,

and I'm not
going to take the buyout.

Oh. I am going to build
the company myself.

Good idea.
Yeah.

Using my idea.

You're being smart, Mandy.
Yeah.

Slow and steady
wins the race.

And that's exactly
how I want to do it.

Except, instead of
slow and steady,

I'm gonna do it,
like, super fast.

Why don't you run upstairs

and get that book,
"Tortoise and The Hare"?

Maybe this time
she'll understand it.

(chuckles)

Uh, sweetie, what exactly
is your plan?

Uh, we're actually still
working out the details.

No, no, we're not.

See, um, Kyle and I
have to face facts.

Without the buyout,
we can't afford to get

the bitchin' loft downtown
and put money into my company.

MIKE: Yeah. Well, and
you're not gonna like this.

Maybe you should wait
on the bitchin' loft.

Yeah, exactly.

Which is why
we're gonna move in with you!

I know this might be
too late to say,

but I'm not sure
we should have children.

Dad, look.

If Mandy Baxter Designs is
gonna grow like your company,

this is the step
that Kyle and I need to take.

Yeah? Kyle, what do you think
about this step?

Well, I think --

He loves the idea,
don't you, Kyle?

Yeah, of course.

You know, I-I've basically lived
on my own since I was 16,

so it'll be fun living under
someone else's roof,

by...someone else's
rules...

like I'm in a cage.

You see?

I-I think,
for everyone's sake,

I should probably start
wearing pants at night.

Listen.
Give us a minute.

Please tell me you think
this is a bad idea.

It's a horrible idea.

But once Mandy gets an idea
in her head, it sticks,

like that marble she got stuck
up her nose in preschool.

And again
in fourth grade.

Yeah, well, that's when
we switched pediatricians.

It just got embarrassing.

Mandy's got to discover
on her own

that this shortcut
is a terrible idea.

Okay, all right.
How?

Kyle is clearly
not into this, right?

I say we let him move in.
He's gonna hate it.

Nobody wants to go
from living alone

to having to wear pants
at night.

(laughs)
That's insane!

You know, we might be
pushing our luck,

but do they really need
the master bedroom?

I-I just don't think
your parents

are gonna like me
living here, Mandy.

I'm a sleep-whistler.

-Listen up.
-Okay.

-We've talked about it...
-Yeah.

...and I-I think before we think
about you guys moving in,

there should be
a trial period.

Yeah. Uh, Kyle can live here
for a week,

and --
and we'll give it a try.

Yay! And you know what just
occurred to me --

what if we got
your bedroom?

You will stay
in your room,

and Kyle can have
the guest room.

Yaay.

Get some rest.
Calisthenics are at 5:00 a.m.

With pants!

Welcome to the cage!

(clattering)
KYLE: Ah, dang it! Okay.

Wow. Kyle's only been here
one night,

and he already sounds like
he's having a tough time.

Stop. Remember.

When we get in there,
it's all about rules.

Okay. No big smiles from you, Ms.
Sunshine.

Leave the teeth
at the door.

Listen, Kyle.
We have rules around here --

Is that bacon?

Yeah.

And he cooked the eggs
in bacon,

used bacon to butter
the toast.

I may be going out
on a limb here,

but I'm pretty sure
the boy's a genius.

And a bacon genius.
That's the best kind.

And, Mrs. B.,
I made you a veggie omelet.

Oh.

Certainly sounds healthy.

He put bacon in it.

(gasps) Yay!

And I hope I didn't break
any rules,

but I also organized the
refrigerator and the pantry.

Oh, and my thoughts on violence
in media.

It's bad.

Hey, babe.
What are you doing?

Oh, I made breakfast
for the family.

Oh, and, Mr. B., I made us
breakfast to go.

Wow.
Look at that.

Having Kyle here certainly seems
to be a good idea.

Hey, I'll have waffles.
-No, no.

Waffles and I
are late for work.

That's my new nickname
for Kyle.

(chuckles)

Come on, Waffles.

I love that.
All right, bye, Mandy.

Give me --

Bring it, boys.
Dazzle me with your words.

Come on.

Good evening, folks.

We're here to honor
Mike Baxter

and talk about all the things
that make him such a great guy.

-All right.
-So, good night, everybody!

(both laugh)

Okay. Okay.

A friend, a co-worker,
an expert fisherman --

these are just some of the
people Mike Baxter has fired.

(both laugh)

Hang on. I got one.
This is good.

It's fair to say that a majority
of people like Mike Baxter.

Because God knows
the minorities don't!

(both laugh)

What is this?
You think this is funny?

I do. And you know something?
I know funny.

For your information,
I did two open mike nights

at the Comedy Kiosk
down at the mall.

Listen.

We're paying tribute to a man

who has dedicated his life
to the store.

And you mock him.

We were also working
on a limerick.

Give me those.
Come on.

Give me that.
You're gonna start over.

Write something respectful,
please.

Here's a trick I learned
at Toastmasters, all right?

You -- You pick
an admirable trait,

and you write how
the dictionary defines it.

Bravery, honesty,
integrity.

Now I know how the dictionary
defines "boring."

Are you sure you don't want
to hear the limerick?

Ugh.

I want something heartfelt,

something that'll make
Mike feel special.

"There was an Outdoor Man
named Mike..."

Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out!

Get out! Go on.
Out the door!

Come on.
-It was good.

♪♪

So, the cloud says, "You can't
get a balloon to do that."

(laughs)

-Oh, boy.
-Oh. Look.

It's the world's weirdest
bromance.

Ah, commuting with your dad
all this week has been great.

I listen, I laugh,
and I learn.

I talk, I joke,
and I teach.

I do that when I'm by myself,
but this is more fun.

(sighs)

Hey.

Well, I'm gonna go see
what your dad's doing.

No! Hey! Kyle!

No, no, no, no, no.

He just left the room.

Come on. Um...

I was hoping tonight,
you know,

we could spend a little
quality time together.

Oh.
Abso-tively.

I'm gonna watch a movie
with your parents.

You should join us.

No.

I meant something
just with the two of us.

Oh. Uh, but I've already
promised your dad

that I was gonna make homemade
ice cream again.

He wants something with caramel,
pecans, vanilla, and bacon.

It's gonna taste
like bacon.

Kyle, you guys have watched
a movie every night this week.

Well, Tuesday was
Baxter home movies.

I didn't feel left out,

even though I wasn't
in any of them.

And you, young lady,
you were a handful.

No!

Don't try to distract me
with how cute I was.

You're spending all your time
with my parents.

Is this what it's gonna be like
for the rest of our lives?

I don't know.

What have you heard?
Do they like me?

-Honey?
-Yeah?

What's the matter?

Well, I'm kind of sad.

About what?

Kyle goes back
to his apartment tomorrow.

And -- And, I mean,
don't make fun of me,

but...
I'm gonna miss him.

I know what you mean.
I know.

Now we got to go back
to stupid regular butter.

All right, guys?

Kyle is gonna love
the movie I got.

"Babe."

What are you thinking?!
He'll never make bacon again!

Oh.

Okay, well,
how about this?

Maybe tomorrow night,

instead of watching a movie,
we play charades?

Dibs on Kyle!

-Sweetie.
-What?

He goes home tomorrow.

So, Kyle leaves
and Mandy stays?

Where's your God now,
Moses?!

You know, it's weird.

You thought Kyle wouldn't like
living here, but he does.

And you know
what's even weirder,

is --
is we love having him.

Guess what
I called him today.

Um...Waffles?

Kyle.

Not [Groaning] "Kyle!"

Or [Grunting] "Kyle!"

Just Kyle.

Mm.
You know what?

I really want them
to live here.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey.
You called me, Mr. B.?

Uh, no. We were just talking
about you two moving in.

Fingers crossed, applesauce,
let my dreams come true.

And we'd be thrilled
if you did.

Yes!

No.
What?

I hate this idea.

There's no way we're living here
after we get married.

Well, now we know applesauce
has no power.

Listen. Took a vote.

Kyle stays,
you're gonna leave.

That's so funny, Dad.

I've waited all my life
to get a son,

and you make him leave
after one week?

He's still got that
new-son smell.

I'm supposed to be the center
of Kyle's universe,

not you guys.

A universe can only have
one center.

That's science.

Is that what
this is all about?

You're jealous
of your mom and me?

Look, we were supposed
to move in here

and make it our love nest,

and you guys were just supposed
to pay for everything.

Yeah, why didn't we do that?
What's the matter with us?

But instead,
you stole my fiancé.

You know what? It was probably
your plan all along.

Actually, I thought you'd be
miserable and you'd move out.

That was the plan.

Who knew the kid could make
homemade ice cream?

When you think about it,
I'm the victim here.

Okay, all that stuff Kyle
is doing

is just him kissing up
to you.

No, no, no.
I get that all the time at work.

This -- This is
something different.

He was so worried
about this whole idea.

I mean, there's definitely
something going on with him.

I just don't know
what it is yet.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll get
to the bottom of it [sighs]

sitting down here in
the basement all by yourself.

Hey, hon.
What are you doing?

Making you happy
by making you waffles.

Waffles making waffles.

Kyle, you don't always have
to make everyone else happy.

You know,
like with my parents,

they like a kid who challenges
them a bit more.

VANESSA: No!
We -- We really don't!

Yeah, uh, sorry.

I, uh -- I got caught
in the garage

and -- and didn't know
what to do, so, um...

uh, carry on.

I wasn't trying to make
your parents happy.

I was doing all that
for me.

Then I don't get it.
(scoffs)

Mandy, I was nervous

when you first suggested
all of this

because I've never really lived
with a family before.

Not a normal one, anyway.

That's so sad.

You think these people
are normal.

My mom was just hiding
in the garage.

Yeah, because she didn't want
to interrupt.

She cares about
other people's feelings.

Everyone around here does.
It's crazy.

Yeah.

And I'm really sorry
you'd never had that, you know?

It must have been hard growing
up with your mean brothers

and grandma who was only holding
onto reality with...yarn.

I guess I just
got carried away

'cause I finally get
what people mean

when they talk
about "home."

It's weird.

You'd think something
so important

would have a bigger word.

Well, damn.

I can't make you leave
after that.

It doesn't matter
where we live, Mandy.

Now I know what I want.

I want a home.

With you.

This is all I need
to be happy --

your complete
and total attention.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hope you're not keeping
the kid away from doing his cooking.

No, Dad.

He's making waffles
for the whole family.

With homemade ice cream
on top.

Can we keep him? Please?
I'll walk him. I will.

I'll walk him all the time.
I really will.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

How come when someone says,
"I've got family in town,"

our reaction is,
"You poor bastard"?

Why can't we be more like
the African lions?

They love sticking together --

stalking, mauling, killing.

Fun for the whole family.

Lions love their family so much,
they even call it a pride,

as opposed to most humans
who call it an embarrassment.

Kind of sad everyone assumes

our least favorite people
are the ones with our DNA.

Which might be true
if you're Martin Sheen.

But me, I'm actually happiest
when I'm with my whole family.

George Bernard Shaw said,

"A happy family is but
an earlier heaven."

I don't know how he knew that.

He was a kooky socialist
who never had any kids.

But he was right.

You want to appreciate
your family,

talk to somebody
who doesn't have a family.

That thing you take for granted,
some people pray for.

And if you want to
make their day,

take someone without a family

and welcome them
into your family.

It will help you realize
how lucky you are.

Just make sure they really want
to be there,

because otherwise,
it's kidnapping.

The man has truly dedicated
his life to his family,

both at home...

and this store.

In summary,

Mike Baxter
is a model of integrity.

That's right, Chuck.

And Webster's Dictionary
defines integrity

as a firm adherence to a code
of moral values.

A better definition --
Mike Baxter.

I didn't realize you and Joe
were so close.

We're not.

Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you. (clears throat)

Now I know how the dictionary
defines "boring."

Ladies and gentlemen, we're here
tonight to honor Mike Baxter,

to talk about all the things
that make him such a great guy.

Good night, everybody!

It's fair to say that
the majority of people

like Mike Baxter because...

God knows minorities don't,
right, Chuck, huh?

He stole your jokes,
didn't he?

Hey, if he does the limerick,
we're out of here.

A friend, an expert fisherman,

and a (clears throat)

(voice breaking)
a giver of watches.

I love you, buddy.