Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Marriage Doctor - full transcript
Why are you making
a snack?
We had couscous
an hour ago.
Honey,
couscous is not a meal.
It's an appetizer
with ambition.
It's like
the Jeb Bush of food.
(laughs)
That is so funny.
You always make me laugh.
What do you want,
woman?
I had this idea
for our summer vacation.
Well, if it's about
going camping in Wyoming,
that's my idea, but you can
take credit for it. Okay.
I-I know you're gonna groan
when I say this,
but I was thinking we could
finally go to Paris.
(laughs)
You are so funny.
You always make me laugh.
It's great.
What is so terrible
about Paris?
It's in France!
Come on.
I've been asking
to go there for years.
And I've been saying "no"
for years.
We're on a roll here, hon.
No, no, no. Think about it.
Think about it.
Paris in June,
and I've been
learning French,
so I already know how to say,
"You'll have to excuse him.
He's American."
(chuckles)
(sighs)
Men are so frustrating.
Oh, honey, I wish I could say
that feeling went away.
-(sighs)
-Mm-hmm.
Kyle and I are having
our first real fight.
It's like a reality TV show,
but with no music
to tell me how to feel.
That does sound
like a reality TV show.
That's why I'm totally
uninterested.
What, uh, what was
the fight about, sweetie?
The wedding.
I told him I really wanted
to get married in our church,
and Kyle really wants
to get married in his.
He won't give in.
No, Mandy,
you have to convince him.
Kristin got married
in our church.
It's a --
It's a tradition.
The Baxter girls all have
their wedding there.
How could it be a tradition
if just Kris got married there?
We got married there.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well,
one of you has to convince him
because I already
tried my best.
I texted him a sad face,
a church,
a hot-air balloon,
and a cactus,
and all I got back
was a question mark, so...
You, uh,
you need to talk to Kyle.
Why me?
Well, because
he'll listen to you.
He'll listen to anybody.
He's like a smiling
satellite dish with a ponytail.
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪♪
Hey, Kyle.
Look, I understand you and Mandy
had your first big argument.
You finally have something
to talk to a bartender about.
It was awful.
Yeah.
It was like being
pecked at by a duckling.
You want to love it,
but after a while,
you're like,
"Hey, duckling, come on!"
Okay.
Well, get used to it,
because marriage
is just a series
of disagreements, you know,
like how many kids to have,
where to live,
is 100 bucks too much
to spend to keep a dog alive.
I just don't like
fighting.
Yeah, nobody does.
Well, I do,
but you got to pick
your battles.
You know, win the ones
you want to win,
and lose the ones
that don't cost you that much.
So lose some on purpose?
Exactly.
Vanessa and I are having
an argument
about where to go
on vacation, right?
You know,
she wants to go to Europe.
I keep telling her
I want to go camping.
Oh, okay. So you're gonna
let her win this one.
No.
I'm gonna let her lose.
You just got to pick
your battles.
Well, I have to pick
this one
because I really want
to get married in my church.
Why?
Your church used to be
a roller rink.
Six days a week,
it still is.
It's just
your new pastor
wants everybody to attend
premarital counseling.
What if he doesn't think
we should get married?
I wouldn't worry
about that.
I don't know
the new pastor personally,
but Vanessa and I
are, um, big donors,
if you know
what I'm talking about.
That's great.
It's important to give blood.
The truth is,
I don't really know anything
about being a husband.
You know, my dad wasn't around
when I was growing up,
so I never had
a role model.
You know, on the farm,
we had a hog
who really loved his sow,
but what if
Reverend Paul
doesn't think
Gumball is enough?
Sounds interesting.
What are we talking
about here?
Well, Kyle's a little worried
that the pastor at my church
won't think he has
anyone in his life
to teach him
how to be a good husband,
and his best candidate
is a pig.
Well, pigs are
intelligent beasts,
which is probably why
they do not mate for life.
You can cross Ed
off your list.
I would make a great reference.
I've been married 26 years.
But not in a row,
and not to the same woman.
Yes, well that's --
that's right.
And I'm battle tested, see?
This one here's spent
the last 30 years with his lady,
skipping down
the yellow brick road.
Well,
you got me there.
Nothing more embarrassing
than a successful marriage.
If your pastor wants to know
if you have a good role model,
tell him you got the best one
in the world -- me.
Hey, yeah.
That's right.
Yeah.
I mean, you certainly set
a better example than Gumball.
Right.
I don't want to be
where he ended up.
-No.
-He's a farm animal.
They're raised
for slaughter.
Oh, no, no.
He became my grandma's pet.
Hmm.
She makes him wear pants.
Excuse me.
♪♪
Hey, Eve.
Your dad said I could
borrow this for the move.
Got to take apart
a bookshelf,
but the only tool I have
is a Swiffer.
Okay.
Wow.
I leave myself wide open,
and you don't take a shot.
Do you have a fever?
It's my government class.
We have this debate
coming up,
and my teacher
is making us
take the opposite side
of our political beliefs,
which means
I have to be a...
liberal.
It's not a curse word.
Well,
it is in this house.
So I've been researching
liberal positions.
I Googled "How to talk
out of your ass",
but that was no help.
By the way, never Google
"How to talk out of your ass."
Well, I could help you
if you want.
I love the art
of stating a thesis
and making a cogent argument
to support it.
I know.
It's the reason
Kristin doesn't have
dinner parties anymore.
Look, if you really
want to prepare,
we should have
a mock debate.
That's a good idea.
You spew your usual garbage,
and I'll mock you.
No, because then
you'll never learn
how to defend
a liberal's point of view.
That's because
it has no defense!
Zing!
How's that
for a cogent argument?
First sign
of a bad argument --
the need
for the word "zing."
Look,
if you want to win,
you got to practice saying
what a liberal would say.
Okay.
Hooray for taxes!
Give me free stuff!
White men suck!
You mean like that?
♪♪
Ooh.
Look at these.
The Eiffel Tower,
Versailles,
and then -- and then
we could head on over
to the Loire Valley,
see some chateaux.
Or we could go to Wyoming
and go camping
in the Curt Gowdy State Park!
The best of all state parks
named after an old sportscaster.
I can't believe you're still
being so stubborn about this.
Hey, what can I say?
You didn't marry a quitter.
Neither did you.
We have a problem.
Our meeting with
the new pastor did not go well.
What do you mean?
What happened?
Kyle started saying
all this crazy stuff
about being a husband.
We talked about this.
Didn't you explain to him
I was your role model?
Oh, yeah.
I talked about you a lot.
That was the crazy stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
Nobody should repeat your father's
opinions except for your father.
And (sighs) honestly,
even that's getting old.
So here's the deal.
Before he'll allow us
to get married in the church,
Reverend Paul needs to meet
with you guys
to talk about your relationship.
What?!
You know, I'm already starting
to miss old Reverend Tisdale.
You give him
a bottle of Bushmills,
he'll do whatever you want.
(sighs)
So Reverend Paul
won't do the wedding
because of something
you told Kyle?
I want to talk
to his supervisor.
Who's got God's number?
Well, what exactly
did you tell him?
I said to use us
as a role model
because we have
a solid marriage.
Yeah, and I told him
about all that great
win-some, lose-some stuff
you taught me
and how Mrs. B is gonna lose
the vacation argument.
Really?
That's when he started
writing stuff down on a pad.
I'm gonna lose?
I said you also win
some arguments.
What else did I say?
Yeah, that's true...
when he lets you.
(scoffs)
Which, I think,
is very generous.
Or, as Reverend Paul put it,
"deeply disturbing."
So he needs to meet
with you guys tomorrow
before he meets with us again.
Hmm.
-Come on, Kyle.
-Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
They may not be able
to get married in our church
because of you.
(sighs)
You know how much
I wanted that.
Exactly, which is why
that's what
we should focus on,
not who said what
to Kyle
or who said they win
all the arguments.
Yeah, both you.
Okay, bottom line --
we put up a united front
to show the new reverend
that we have a perfect marriage.
That is so funny!
(stomps foot)
Yeah.
(giggles)
You always
make me laugh.
Yeah.
♪♪
Okay.
Now we both have
our own podiums.
Kris, we're ready.
(air hisses)
It's kind of a crappy
debate stage.
What is this, MSNBC?
No, no.
Can't make those jokes.
I am the conservative, and
you're the liberal, remember?
Right.
Rachel Maddow is my hero.
(inhales sharply)
God, that leaves a taste.
Okay,
here are the rules.
You each have 30 seconds
for a response.
When you hear this...
your time is up.
If you continue talking,
you will hear...
(horn honks)
And if you still won't shut up,
I am out of here.
I'm not Megyn Kelly,
and I've got packing to do.
Let's begin with a brief
opening statement.
Ryan.
America
is at a crossroads.
Do we go the way
of Ronald Reagan,
the greatest man with the
greatest hair who ever lived?
Or do we follow
the lead
of my weak-kneed,
socialist opponent
who longs for the day
when ISIS rules the world
and Americans
are in chains?
What?
That's crazy.
Nobody would say that.
Conservatives say that stuff
all the time.
We're lunatics.
Are you gonna
take this seriously or not?
Because I'd like
to get a good grade on this.
Hey! I didn't even
get a chance to respond!
(horn honks)
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
You wasted your time.
Okay, next topic --
entitlements.
Uh, I'd like to go first on that one.
Mm-kay.
Democrats have created
a nation of takers
who live like kings
and who have never done
a lick of work in their lives.
My opponent may disagree
with this,
but the best thing
we can do
for the poor, elderly,
and disabled
is to let them rot.
Uh, thank you.
Of course I disagree
with that.
Everybody disagrees
with that.
You know what? This whole
thing is stupid. Okay?
You're just an angry,
malnourished vegan
that is jealous
that I can eat cheeseburgers.
So I quit.
This is stupid.
I'm leaving.
Oh, yeah.
And Rachel Maddow sucks.
Man, it is real easy
being a conservative.
What is the matter
with you?
That was my little sister,
and she needed your help.
Trust me.
This is going to help.
What? You see, I
have a theory --
(horn honks)
♪♪
Okay.
Reverend Paul
will be right in.
-Ah. (chuckles)
-Thanks a lot.
Hey, look at this.
Churches of Europe. Ugh.
Maybe we should
borrow this
to get a preview of what
we will be seeing this summer.
Yeah, that's how
I want to spend my vacation --
going to church.
I hear ya.
(chuckles)
That'd be a little too much
like going to work.
(both chuckle)
Hey, Reverend Paul.
Really nice
to meet you two finally.
Mike Baxter. You've probably
seen my name in the bibles
right there by the words
"donated by."
(all chuckle)
You know,
for 50 bucks more,
we can give you
a "written by."
(both chuckle)
-Uh, I'm Vanessa.
-Hi.
We are so thrilled to have you
as our new pastor...
Thank you.
...and -- and I'm really
loving the contemporary service.
Yeah. Yes, I've always
thought "How Great Thou Art"
needed a guitar solo.
(laughs)
Well, please,
sit, sit, sit.
You know,
we're also very excited
about Mandy
and Kyle's wedding.
Hopefully happening here
in our longtime family church.
In pews we also donated.
Well, Mandy and Kyle
are a lovely, young couple.
Yeah, we think so, too.
Well, looks like
we covered everything.
We'll see you
at the rehearsal dinner.
Um, why don't you have a seat
on that sofa
that you may or may not
have donated?
If your marriage is the model
for Mandy and Kyle,
well, I have a few questions.
Oh, we have a rock-solid relationship.
Mm-hmm.
I mean,
we're gonna be the old couple
who dies within minutes of
each other at the old-age home,
face-down in our pudding.
(laughs)
Both chocolate!
Chocolate.
Yeah,
that's how my parents went.
Kyle mentioned
a vacation argument...
Oh. ...and apparently you
don't want to go camping?
Uh, well, no.
No.
I mean, I would much rather
go to Paris and sit in cafés,
drinking
amazing bottles of...
coffee.
We have disagreements...
Yeah.
...but at the end
of the day,
there's a balanced,
spirited give and take.
I see.
So might this be one
of those times when --
how did Kyle put it? --
uh, you let her win?
Listen.
I don't want to say
anything bad about Kyle,
so let's go
to the next question.
(chuckles)
Well, hey.
Don't be judgmental.
That's my job.
Vanessa, do you ever feel
that sometimes Mike can be
a little bit of a bully?
(scoffs)
Wha--
This woman buys $40 candles,
and I'm the bully?
(scoffs)
Please feel free to speak
if you want to say something.
Well, I --
No, I mean, I --
Honey, honey, why don't
we talk about this later
at our favorite restaurant,
the United Front?
I'm starting to see
what Kyle meant
about the pig
who wears the pants.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's an actual pig
in real pants.
-Is it?
-Okay.
All right, all right.
You know what?
Look -- Look, I can clear
this whole thing up.
My husband
is complicated.
He's -- he's stubborn,
he's pushy,
he has, like,
zero patience, and --
Good job, honey.
The man I married
is not perfect.
But you know what?
Neither am I.
And you have been
at this church
for -- for, what,
all of two weeks?
Okay. How -- how can
you possibly know
what goes on between us?
Honey.
Because we fit.
We work.
We're perfect.
In our marriage,
both of the pigs wear the pants.
And -- and I don't know
if I want someone officiating
in my daughter's marriage
who doesn't believe in mine.
Oh, and you know what?
Your guitar service
is lame.
You, sir,
are no Dave Matthews.
Well,
Dave Matthews isn't stuck
with Mrs. Osgood
as his organist.
(chuckles)
Oh, wow.
Now you see how I end up
with $40 candles.
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
What's the world's
most perilous journey?
Scaling Everest?
Crossing the Himalayas?
The drive home
after eating Indian food?
Dad, is that you?
Nah, the most dangerous
expedition
is where
one half the people quit
and the other half die.
Hmm?
Yeah, marriage.
And all the survival gear
I sell you won't save you
if you marry the wrong person.
You pick the wrong partner,
you find yourself
in an episode of
"Naked and Afraid,"
only you'll rarely be naked.
On the flip side,
you find your true life partner,
and there's no mountain
or tundra you can't conquer.
And you'll be naked
a lot more often.
In Proverbs 21:9,
King Solomon wrote,
"Better to live
on the corner of a roof
than share the house
with a quarrelsome wife."
And this dude knew wives.
He had 700 of them.
That's a lot of anniversaries
to remember.
God forbid you give Bathsheba
and Esther the same gift.
(effeminate voice)
"Really? A straw hat?"
(normal voice) And while
I appreciate the scripture,
the truest thing
I ever read about marriage
was on a coffee mug.
It said,
"Happy Wife, Happy Life."
Hasn't steered me wrong since
the day she threw it at me.
♪♪
Dad, you have to poke
some air holes in this one
so my stuffed animals
can breathe.
Boyd,
you are old enough to know
that your stuffed animals,
they --
Go get me the screwdriver.
(knock on door)
(rhythmic knocking)
I knew you'd be back.
I left my binder, so...
You also left your dignity.
All right, fine.
I got mad, and by getting mad,
I automatically lost.
Right.
Come in.
Your teacher probably
wants you to learn
how to have a rational
and civilized debate.
Well, I don't know why.
The crazy ones get
all the good ratings.
Rational and civilized
aren't very popular these days,
but it is still
worth learning.
You know, you're pretty good
at this stuff.
We're you ever on your
high school debate team?
Nope.
My training started
the very first time I said,
"I don't think
I agree with you, Mike."
Every argument,
he'd bait me, and I'd blow up.
Yeah,
you used to get pretty mad.
One time, soy milk
came out of your nose.
And that's how I'd lose.
But eventually,
I learned to keep my cool.
And now you win some?
Nope.
But I keep my cool.
All right, well,
if you're still cool with it,
I'd love for you to coach me
on some liberal arguments
so I don't throw up
during the debate.
I would be happy to.
Cool.
All right.
Um, Obamacare.
(inhales deeply)
Obamacare
is the greatest thing to...
No, I can't do it.
I'm gonna need a bucket.
♪♪
Vanessa?
Honey?
(sighs)
Hi.
What were you doing?
Hey, well,
since we're gonna need
to check out Kyle's church
for the wedding,
I was looking
for my roller skates.
(sighs)
Look, I-I'm sorry about
what happened with the pastor.
No, I think it was great
what you did.
He was really
coming after us,
and for someone
who loves France,
you really held
your ground.
Well, you know,
he was wrong.
We make our decisions
together.
You have always respected
my input.
I do respect your input.
Yeah.
But this time,
the decision's unilateral.
"The Hopeless Romantic's Guide
to Paris"?
I paid some lady to go buy that
at a bookstore for me.
We're going to France.
Oh, oh,
there's that bully
that Reverend Paul
was talking about right there.
Okay, okay,
but only under one condition.
-No conditions.
-Yes, one condition.
We're going --
we're going to France.
We also find some nice
camping areas nearby.
Deal.
We'll take some cheese
and a couple nice bottles
of coffee.
Oh, yeah.
(both laugh)
As far as church
is concerned,
I'll go have a little chat
with Reverend Bo Diddley.
(sighs)
No, it's okay.
Maybe -- Maybe we need
to start a new tradition.
Like --
Like letting the kids
figure out where they want
to get married themselves.
Um, Reverend Paul
has a message for you guys.
Yeah, I got a little message
for Reverend Paul...
Uh...
...right about -- Hey!
Hey!
Welcome to our home.
(chuckles)
I would've called earlier,
but I like catching people
doing stuff.
I-I need to apologize to you.
No, no.
Not for what I said,
but for how I said it.
Well, I think
we've all prayerfully considered
what happened earlier.
Eh, let's forget
the prayerfully stuff.
You're not at work.
Sit down.
Can I get you something
to drink? Wine? A wafer?
Oh, no.
Thank you.
I've realized that
while part of my responsibility
is to teach,
I also want to be that pastor
that listens and learns.
And on the subject
of a strong marriage,
I can definitely learn
from you two.
(Chuckles)
Just like
Kyle and Mandy have.
Reverend Paul said we can
get married in the church!
(gasps) Hey, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
But he still won't let me
release 600 doves inside.
Really appreciate
how this worked out.
Butterflies?
Kyle and Mandy's wedding
is gonna be very special.
And it'll be the first reception
we have in the rec hall.
Ah, you haven't been here
for very long.
The church doesn't have
a rec hall.
(chuckles)
That's the other reason
I stopped by.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, come on in.
Just came by
to bring back your tools.
Yeah, a man needs
his own tools, Ryan.
I totally understand.
That's why I got them back
to you as quick as I could.
A man would've understood
what I meant there.
Hey.
How was your debate?
Great.
I destroyed Derrick Lowe.
Good for you.
Did you keep it civil?
Use the talking points
we rehearsed?
Mm, actually,
I went another way.
In my opening statement,
I reminded everyone
of the time in third grade
Derrick had to use
his emergency pants.
(chuckles)
Classic.
(air hisses)
That's not debating.
But it's winning.
See,
that is the problem
with conservatives --
they don't debate, they insult.
Yeah.
You know, I never noticed
how small your hands were.
♪♪
a snack?
We had couscous
an hour ago.
Honey,
couscous is not a meal.
It's an appetizer
with ambition.
It's like
the Jeb Bush of food.
(laughs)
That is so funny.
You always make me laugh.
What do you want,
woman?
I had this idea
for our summer vacation.
Well, if it's about
going camping in Wyoming,
that's my idea, but you can
take credit for it. Okay.
I-I know you're gonna groan
when I say this,
but I was thinking we could
finally go to Paris.
(laughs)
You are so funny.
You always make me laugh.
It's great.
What is so terrible
about Paris?
It's in France!
Come on.
I've been asking
to go there for years.
And I've been saying "no"
for years.
We're on a roll here, hon.
No, no, no. Think about it.
Think about it.
Paris in June,
and I've been
learning French,
so I already know how to say,
"You'll have to excuse him.
He's American."
(chuckles)
(sighs)
Men are so frustrating.
Oh, honey, I wish I could say
that feeling went away.
-(sighs)
-Mm-hmm.
Kyle and I are having
our first real fight.
It's like a reality TV show,
but with no music
to tell me how to feel.
That does sound
like a reality TV show.
That's why I'm totally
uninterested.
What, uh, what was
the fight about, sweetie?
The wedding.
I told him I really wanted
to get married in our church,
and Kyle really wants
to get married in his.
He won't give in.
No, Mandy,
you have to convince him.
Kristin got married
in our church.
It's a --
It's a tradition.
The Baxter girls all have
their wedding there.
How could it be a tradition
if just Kris got married there?
We got married there.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, well,
one of you has to convince him
because I already
tried my best.
I texted him a sad face,
a church,
a hot-air balloon,
and a cactus,
and all I got back
was a question mark, so...
You, uh,
you need to talk to Kyle.
Why me?
Well, because
he'll listen to you.
He'll listen to anybody.
He's like a smiling
satellite dish with a ponytail.
-- Captions by VITAC --
♪♪
Hey, Kyle.
Look, I understand you and Mandy
had your first big argument.
You finally have something
to talk to a bartender about.
It was awful.
Yeah.
It was like being
pecked at by a duckling.
You want to love it,
but after a while,
you're like,
"Hey, duckling, come on!"
Okay.
Well, get used to it,
because marriage
is just a series
of disagreements, you know,
like how many kids to have,
where to live,
is 100 bucks too much
to spend to keep a dog alive.
I just don't like
fighting.
Yeah, nobody does.
Well, I do,
but you got to pick
your battles.
You know, win the ones
you want to win,
and lose the ones
that don't cost you that much.
So lose some on purpose?
Exactly.
Vanessa and I are having
an argument
about where to go
on vacation, right?
You know,
she wants to go to Europe.
I keep telling her
I want to go camping.
Oh, okay. So you're gonna
let her win this one.
No.
I'm gonna let her lose.
You just got to pick
your battles.
Well, I have to pick
this one
because I really want
to get married in my church.
Why?
Your church used to be
a roller rink.
Six days a week,
it still is.
It's just
your new pastor
wants everybody to attend
premarital counseling.
What if he doesn't think
we should get married?
I wouldn't worry
about that.
I don't know
the new pastor personally,
but Vanessa and I
are, um, big donors,
if you know
what I'm talking about.
That's great.
It's important to give blood.
The truth is,
I don't really know anything
about being a husband.
You know, my dad wasn't around
when I was growing up,
so I never had
a role model.
You know, on the farm,
we had a hog
who really loved his sow,
but what if
Reverend Paul
doesn't think
Gumball is enough?
Sounds interesting.
What are we talking
about here?
Well, Kyle's a little worried
that the pastor at my church
won't think he has
anyone in his life
to teach him
how to be a good husband,
and his best candidate
is a pig.
Well, pigs are
intelligent beasts,
which is probably why
they do not mate for life.
You can cross Ed
off your list.
I would make a great reference.
I've been married 26 years.
But not in a row,
and not to the same woman.
Yes, well that's --
that's right.
And I'm battle tested, see?
This one here's spent
the last 30 years with his lady,
skipping down
the yellow brick road.
Well,
you got me there.
Nothing more embarrassing
than a successful marriage.
If your pastor wants to know
if you have a good role model,
tell him you got the best one
in the world -- me.
Hey, yeah.
That's right.
Yeah.
I mean, you certainly set
a better example than Gumball.
Right.
I don't want to be
where he ended up.
-No.
-He's a farm animal.
They're raised
for slaughter.
Oh, no, no.
He became my grandma's pet.
Hmm.
She makes him wear pants.
Excuse me.
♪♪
Hey, Eve.
Your dad said I could
borrow this for the move.
Got to take apart
a bookshelf,
but the only tool I have
is a Swiffer.
Okay.
Wow.
I leave myself wide open,
and you don't take a shot.
Do you have a fever?
It's my government class.
We have this debate
coming up,
and my teacher
is making us
take the opposite side
of our political beliefs,
which means
I have to be a...
liberal.
It's not a curse word.
Well,
it is in this house.
So I've been researching
liberal positions.
I Googled "How to talk
out of your ass",
but that was no help.
By the way, never Google
"How to talk out of your ass."
Well, I could help you
if you want.
I love the art
of stating a thesis
and making a cogent argument
to support it.
I know.
It's the reason
Kristin doesn't have
dinner parties anymore.
Look, if you really
want to prepare,
we should have
a mock debate.
That's a good idea.
You spew your usual garbage,
and I'll mock you.
No, because then
you'll never learn
how to defend
a liberal's point of view.
That's because
it has no defense!
Zing!
How's that
for a cogent argument?
First sign
of a bad argument --
the need
for the word "zing."
Look,
if you want to win,
you got to practice saying
what a liberal would say.
Okay.
Hooray for taxes!
Give me free stuff!
White men suck!
You mean like that?
♪♪
Ooh.
Look at these.
The Eiffel Tower,
Versailles,
and then -- and then
we could head on over
to the Loire Valley,
see some chateaux.
Or we could go to Wyoming
and go camping
in the Curt Gowdy State Park!
The best of all state parks
named after an old sportscaster.
I can't believe you're still
being so stubborn about this.
Hey, what can I say?
You didn't marry a quitter.
Neither did you.
We have a problem.
Our meeting with
the new pastor did not go well.
What do you mean?
What happened?
Kyle started saying
all this crazy stuff
about being a husband.
We talked about this.
Didn't you explain to him
I was your role model?
Oh, yeah.
I talked about you a lot.
That was the crazy stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
Nobody should repeat your father's
opinions except for your father.
And (sighs) honestly,
even that's getting old.
So here's the deal.
Before he'll allow us
to get married in the church,
Reverend Paul needs to meet
with you guys
to talk about your relationship.
What?!
You know, I'm already starting
to miss old Reverend Tisdale.
You give him
a bottle of Bushmills,
he'll do whatever you want.
(sighs)
So Reverend Paul
won't do the wedding
because of something
you told Kyle?
I want to talk
to his supervisor.
Who's got God's number?
Well, what exactly
did you tell him?
I said to use us
as a role model
because we have
a solid marriage.
Yeah, and I told him
about all that great
win-some, lose-some stuff
you taught me
and how Mrs. B is gonna lose
the vacation argument.
Really?
That's when he started
writing stuff down on a pad.
I'm gonna lose?
I said you also win
some arguments.
What else did I say?
Yeah, that's true...
when he lets you.
(scoffs)
Which, I think,
is very generous.
Or, as Reverend Paul put it,
"deeply disturbing."
So he needs to meet
with you guys tomorrow
before he meets with us again.
Hmm.
-Come on, Kyle.
-Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
They may not be able
to get married in our church
because of you.
(sighs)
You know how much
I wanted that.
Exactly, which is why
that's what
we should focus on,
not who said what
to Kyle
or who said they win
all the arguments.
Yeah, both you.
Okay, bottom line --
we put up a united front
to show the new reverend
that we have a perfect marriage.
That is so funny!
(stomps foot)
Yeah.
(giggles)
You always
make me laugh.
Yeah.
♪♪
Okay.
Now we both have
our own podiums.
Kris, we're ready.
(air hisses)
It's kind of a crappy
debate stage.
What is this, MSNBC?
No, no.
Can't make those jokes.
I am the conservative, and
you're the liberal, remember?
Right.
Rachel Maddow is my hero.
(inhales sharply)
God, that leaves a taste.
Okay,
here are the rules.
You each have 30 seconds
for a response.
When you hear this...
your time is up.
If you continue talking,
you will hear...
(horn honks)
And if you still won't shut up,
I am out of here.
I'm not Megyn Kelly,
and I've got packing to do.
Let's begin with a brief
opening statement.
Ryan.
America
is at a crossroads.
Do we go the way
of Ronald Reagan,
the greatest man with the
greatest hair who ever lived?
Or do we follow
the lead
of my weak-kneed,
socialist opponent
who longs for the day
when ISIS rules the world
and Americans
are in chains?
What?
That's crazy.
Nobody would say that.
Conservatives say that stuff
all the time.
We're lunatics.
Are you gonna
take this seriously or not?
Because I'd like
to get a good grade on this.
Hey! I didn't even
get a chance to respond!
(horn honks)
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
You wasted your time.
Okay, next topic --
entitlements.
Uh, I'd like to go first on that one.
Mm-kay.
Democrats have created
a nation of takers
who live like kings
and who have never done
a lick of work in their lives.
My opponent may disagree
with this,
but the best thing
we can do
for the poor, elderly,
and disabled
is to let them rot.
Uh, thank you.
Of course I disagree
with that.
Everybody disagrees
with that.
You know what? This whole
thing is stupid. Okay?
You're just an angry,
malnourished vegan
that is jealous
that I can eat cheeseburgers.
So I quit.
This is stupid.
I'm leaving.
Oh, yeah.
And Rachel Maddow sucks.
Man, it is real easy
being a conservative.
What is the matter
with you?
That was my little sister,
and she needed your help.
Trust me.
This is going to help.
What? You see, I
have a theory --
(horn honks)
♪♪
Okay.
Reverend Paul
will be right in.
-Ah. (chuckles)
-Thanks a lot.
Hey, look at this.
Churches of Europe. Ugh.
Maybe we should
borrow this
to get a preview of what
we will be seeing this summer.
Yeah, that's how
I want to spend my vacation --
going to church.
I hear ya.
(chuckles)
That'd be a little too much
like going to work.
(both chuckle)
Hey, Reverend Paul.
Really nice
to meet you two finally.
Mike Baxter. You've probably
seen my name in the bibles
right there by the words
"donated by."
(all chuckle)
You know,
for 50 bucks more,
we can give you
a "written by."
(both chuckle)
-Uh, I'm Vanessa.
-Hi.
We are so thrilled to have you
as our new pastor...
Thank you.
...and -- and I'm really
loving the contemporary service.
Yeah. Yes, I've always
thought "How Great Thou Art"
needed a guitar solo.
(laughs)
Well, please,
sit, sit, sit.
You know,
we're also very excited
about Mandy
and Kyle's wedding.
Hopefully happening here
in our longtime family church.
In pews we also donated.
Well, Mandy and Kyle
are a lovely, young couple.
Yeah, we think so, too.
Well, looks like
we covered everything.
We'll see you
at the rehearsal dinner.
Um, why don't you have a seat
on that sofa
that you may or may not
have donated?
If your marriage is the model
for Mandy and Kyle,
well, I have a few questions.
Oh, we have a rock-solid relationship.
Mm-hmm.
I mean,
we're gonna be the old couple
who dies within minutes of
each other at the old-age home,
face-down in our pudding.
(laughs)
Both chocolate!
Chocolate.
Yeah,
that's how my parents went.
Kyle mentioned
a vacation argument...
Oh. ...and apparently you
don't want to go camping?
Uh, well, no.
No.
I mean, I would much rather
go to Paris and sit in cafés,
drinking
amazing bottles of...
coffee.
We have disagreements...
Yeah.
...but at the end
of the day,
there's a balanced,
spirited give and take.
I see.
So might this be one
of those times when --
how did Kyle put it? --
uh, you let her win?
Listen.
I don't want to say
anything bad about Kyle,
so let's go
to the next question.
(chuckles)
Well, hey.
Don't be judgmental.
That's my job.
Vanessa, do you ever feel
that sometimes Mike can be
a little bit of a bully?
(scoffs)
Wha--
This woman buys $40 candles,
and I'm the bully?
(scoffs)
Please feel free to speak
if you want to say something.
Well, I --
No, I mean, I --
Honey, honey, why don't
we talk about this later
at our favorite restaurant,
the United Front?
I'm starting to see
what Kyle meant
about the pig
who wears the pants.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's an actual pig
in real pants.
-Is it?
-Okay.
All right, all right.
You know what?
Look -- Look, I can clear
this whole thing up.
My husband
is complicated.
He's -- he's stubborn,
he's pushy,
he has, like,
zero patience, and --
Good job, honey.
The man I married
is not perfect.
But you know what?
Neither am I.
And you have been
at this church
for -- for, what,
all of two weeks?
Okay. How -- how can
you possibly know
what goes on between us?
Honey.
Because we fit.
We work.
We're perfect.
In our marriage,
both of the pigs wear the pants.
And -- and I don't know
if I want someone officiating
in my daughter's marriage
who doesn't believe in mine.
Oh, and you know what?
Your guitar service
is lame.
You, sir,
are no Dave Matthews.
Well,
Dave Matthews isn't stuck
with Mrs. Osgood
as his organist.
(chuckles)
Oh, wow.
Now you see how I end up
with $40 candles.
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
What's the world's
most perilous journey?
Scaling Everest?
Crossing the Himalayas?
The drive home
after eating Indian food?
Dad, is that you?
Nah, the most dangerous
expedition
is where
one half the people quit
and the other half die.
Hmm?
Yeah, marriage.
And all the survival gear
I sell you won't save you
if you marry the wrong person.
You pick the wrong partner,
you find yourself
in an episode of
"Naked and Afraid,"
only you'll rarely be naked.
On the flip side,
you find your true life partner,
and there's no mountain
or tundra you can't conquer.
And you'll be naked
a lot more often.
In Proverbs 21:9,
King Solomon wrote,
"Better to live
on the corner of a roof
than share the house
with a quarrelsome wife."
And this dude knew wives.
He had 700 of them.
That's a lot of anniversaries
to remember.
God forbid you give Bathsheba
and Esther the same gift.
(effeminate voice)
"Really? A straw hat?"
(normal voice) And while
I appreciate the scripture,
the truest thing
I ever read about marriage
was on a coffee mug.
It said,
"Happy Wife, Happy Life."
Hasn't steered me wrong since
the day she threw it at me.
♪♪
Dad, you have to poke
some air holes in this one
so my stuffed animals
can breathe.
Boyd,
you are old enough to know
that your stuffed animals,
they --
Go get me the screwdriver.
(knock on door)
(rhythmic knocking)
I knew you'd be back.
I left my binder, so...
You also left your dignity.
All right, fine.
I got mad, and by getting mad,
I automatically lost.
Right.
Come in.
Your teacher probably
wants you to learn
how to have a rational
and civilized debate.
Well, I don't know why.
The crazy ones get
all the good ratings.
Rational and civilized
aren't very popular these days,
but it is still
worth learning.
You know, you're pretty good
at this stuff.
We're you ever on your
high school debate team?
Nope.
My training started
the very first time I said,
"I don't think
I agree with you, Mike."
Every argument,
he'd bait me, and I'd blow up.
Yeah,
you used to get pretty mad.
One time, soy milk
came out of your nose.
And that's how I'd lose.
But eventually,
I learned to keep my cool.
And now you win some?
Nope.
But I keep my cool.
All right, well,
if you're still cool with it,
I'd love for you to coach me
on some liberal arguments
so I don't throw up
during the debate.
I would be happy to.
Cool.
All right.
Um, Obamacare.
(inhales deeply)
Obamacare
is the greatest thing to...
No, I can't do it.
I'm gonna need a bucket.
♪♪
Vanessa?
Honey?
(sighs)
Hi.
What were you doing?
Hey, well,
since we're gonna need
to check out Kyle's church
for the wedding,
I was looking
for my roller skates.
(sighs)
Look, I-I'm sorry about
what happened with the pastor.
No, I think it was great
what you did.
He was really
coming after us,
and for someone
who loves France,
you really held
your ground.
Well, you know,
he was wrong.
We make our decisions
together.
You have always respected
my input.
I do respect your input.
Yeah.
But this time,
the decision's unilateral.
"The Hopeless Romantic's Guide
to Paris"?
I paid some lady to go buy that
at a bookstore for me.
We're going to France.
Oh, oh,
there's that bully
that Reverend Paul
was talking about right there.
Okay, okay,
but only under one condition.
-No conditions.
-Yes, one condition.
We're going --
we're going to France.
We also find some nice
camping areas nearby.
Deal.
We'll take some cheese
and a couple nice bottles
of coffee.
Oh, yeah.
(both laugh)
As far as church
is concerned,
I'll go have a little chat
with Reverend Bo Diddley.
(sighs)
No, it's okay.
Maybe -- Maybe we need
to start a new tradition.
Like --
Like letting the kids
figure out where they want
to get married themselves.
Um, Reverend Paul
has a message for you guys.
Yeah, I got a little message
for Reverend Paul...
Uh...
...right about -- Hey!
Hey!
Welcome to our home.
(chuckles)
I would've called earlier,
but I like catching people
doing stuff.
I-I need to apologize to you.
No, no.
Not for what I said,
but for how I said it.
Well, I think
we've all prayerfully considered
what happened earlier.
Eh, let's forget
the prayerfully stuff.
You're not at work.
Sit down.
Can I get you something
to drink? Wine? A wafer?
Oh, no.
Thank you.
I've realized that
while part of my responsibility
is to teach,
I also want to be that pastor
that listens and learns.
And on the subject
of a strong marriage,
I can definitely learn
from you two.
(Chuckles)
Just like
Kyle and Mandy have.
Reverend Paul said we can
get married in the church!
(gasps) Hey, that's wonderful.
Yeah.
But he still won't let me
release 600 doves inside.
Really appreciate
how this worked out.
Butterflies?
Kyle and Mandy's wedding
is gonna be very special.
And it'll be the first reception
we have in the rec hall.
Ah, you haven't been here
for very long.
The church doesn't have
a rec hall.
(chuckles)
That's the other reason
I stopped by.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, come on in.
Just came by
to bring back your tools.
Yeah, a man needs
his own tools, Ryan.
I totally understand.
That's why I got them back
to you as quick as I could.
A man would've understood
what I meant there.
Hey.
How was your debate?
Great.
I destroyed Derrick Lowe.
Good for you.
Did you keep it civil?
Use the talking points
we rehearsed?
Mm, actually,
I went another way.
In my opening statement,
I reminded everyone
of the time in third grade
Derrick had to use
his emergency pants.
(chuckles)
Classic.
(air hisses)
That's not debating.
But it's winning.
See,
that is the problem
with conservatives --
they don't debate, they insult.
Yeah.
You know, I never noticed
how small your hands were.
♪♪