Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Ring - full transcript

Later, 'rents.

Later, 'aughter.

Have fun at, uh, 'ool.

What are we gonna do
with all the time we just saved?

I am in a hurry.

My civics class
is taking a field trip

to the state capitol
building.

We get to watch our
bloated government in action.

[ Door opens ] "Inaction" is
all you're gonna experience.

Love ya. Bye.
Drive safe.

Okay.



[ Door closes ]
Mother, father.

I have an important announcement
to make.

A virtual impossibility,
but go ahead.

You want to take notes,
or should I?

Aw.

Okay, first off,
I want to thank you guys

for letting me operate
Mandy Baxter Designs

out of the basement
for the last two years.

We wanted
a Wetzel's Pretzels,

but I don't think we had the foot traffic.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, business has been so good
that I need a bigger space.

Seriously? You're thinking
of moving Mandy Baxter Designs

out of the house?

And maybe even
Mandy Baxter?



Oh, just stop it.

Move out?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, my announcement

is that I need
more of the basement.

Why would I move out?
[ Laughs ]

Because that's
what people your age do.

They move out,
take their stuff with them,

and get their own
cellphone plans.

Yeah. Haven't you been up
with the news, dad?

The new thing
with your generation

is to have your kids
live with you a lot longer.

Uh, not really sure that's our
generation's thing, Mandy. No, no, no.

Our generation's thing
is to work hard

and give our kids
everything they want and need.

And that seems
to have backfired.

We millennials
like to take our time

with the big life events
like marriage and kids

and our
own cellphone plan.

Listen, you know,

if Steve Jobs had never
moved out of the garage,

we wouldn't have an Apple Store
at every corner

with some geeky nerd
talking down to us

when we buy an iPhone.

Well, Kyle and I are gonna
go have breakfast.

That gives you guys
plenty of time to discuss

and then move all your things
out of the basement.

Mandy, honey, you can live here
as long as you want. Thank you.

And, Mike,
you really need

to let that incident
at the Apple Store go.

Listen, just because
you can download an app,

that doesn't make you a
genius, all right? Okay.

And that is most boring
"bar" I've ever been to.

[ Door opens, closes ]

You want a double hard drive
with that?

No, thanks.

-- Captions by Vitac --

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, you wanted to see me,
Mr. ?

Yes, come in. Come in, Kyle.
Come on, come on.

Is -- is Mike out there?

Uh, no, sir.
He left for the day.

Good. 'Cause I don't want
anyone else to see this.

Uh, if it's the baseball hat
with the ponytail,

it's not super convincing.

I [Clears throat]

I bought this for wendi.

Yeah,
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Oh, congratulations, sir.

I don't want Mike
to know.

I know he's not wendi's
biggest fan, so...

Oh, that's good,
because then he would probably

want to propose to her,
too,

and I would not want to go up
against that guy.

Kyle -- Kyle --
you know, it's ironic

that his eyes
are ice blue,

yet they could melt
any woman's heart.

I'm gonna pretend
you're done talking

and just jump in,
all right?

I need you to take this
to Stedman's Jewelers

and get it resized.

Okay?
Yes, sir.

You can count on me.
Okay.

And, remember --

please, I don't want
any grief from Mike,

so don't say anything,
okay?

No, to Mike.
You can still talk.

[ Exhales ]

That's a relief,
'cause I wanted to say "okay,"

but then I was caught
in a paradox.

Okay.

Okay, good. Good, good.
[ Chuckles ]

That was exhausting.

Geez. [ Sighs ]

Hey,
what you got there?

Oh, uh, Mr. B.

I-I-I thought
you were gone for today.

I was.
Now I'm back.

I'm unpredictable.

What is that?

Oh, nothing.
Just my cellphone.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah?

Kind of small for a cellphone,
isn't it?

Maybe that's because
when you're far away,

things look smaller,
but...

You know,
now that you're up close,

it probably looks
regular sized.

Yep. See?

Was that
an engagement ring?

Look, sir,
I'm gonna have to ask you

to forget about the thing
you thought you saw.

Really? Really?

It's kind of a big step,
Kyle.

If I don't like it,

I'm gonna let you know that,
you know?

Well, with all due respect,
Mr. Baxter,

it doesn't really matter
what you think.

Whoa.

Did you really say that?

[ Exhales ]

Wow.
You look a lot bigger up close.

You're sure
it was an engagement ring?

Yeah.
Oh.

I'm sure of that.
As soon as I saw it,

all the old feelings came back.
Oh.

The cold sweats,
the second thoughts...

...being the happiest,
luckiest man in the world.

Mm.

Kyle is gonna propose
to Mandy.

Oh, this is amazing.

Yeah, I guess.

Why do you sound like
you have a problem with it?

I don't know. You know,
they've been dating a long time,

and he's
kind and considerate.

I get all that.

Yeah, well,
he goes to church.

He takes care
of his grandmother.

That's a lot more good stuff
than we could say about Mandy.

[ Door closes ]

So -- so
what's the problem?

I just wish
he was more ambitious.

I mean, at work,
he's basically a sales clerk,

and he's okay with that.

[ Sighs ] Honey, you know,
you're always saying that

as a father,
the most important thing to you

is that our girls are loved,
cared for, and protected.

That's -- that's Kyle, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And some large-breed dogs.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, oh.

Do you remember
what Mandy said this morning

about millennials
waiting to get married?

Yeah. I mean, what if
she turns him down?

Kyle might
never ask again.

That kid is really sensitive...
Yeah.

...and Mandy is Mandy.

Oh, come on.
She's not that bad. Stop.

I don't know how
our mailman can be that fat

when he walks for a living.

And, by the way,
he doesn't know, either.

[ Chuckles ]

Let me do the talking.
Don't -- don't give up anything.

Right, right, right.
Poker face.

Hey, Mandy,
your mom and I were thinking

about that millennial thing
where you're putting off

important decisions till later.
Mm-hmm.

Kind of wondering if --

Kyle's gonna ask you
to marry him!

That was a poker face?

You were taking forever.

Kyle's gonna propose?

Honey, he, uh -- he got you
an engagement ring.

Oh, my god.
Yeah.

He's taking me somewhere special
for dinner tomorrow night,

but he wouldn't
tell me where.

He said he wanted
to surprise me.

Y-you don't have to say yes
if you don't want to.

Yeah, I-if you're not sure,
I mean,

you just need to figure out
a way to tell Kyle gently.

Are you kidding?
I love Kyle.

Why would you think
I wouldn't want to marry him?

Because of what you said
this morning.

You're putting off
big decisions,

not getting married,

not getting
your own cellphone plan --

it's all
in your mom's notes.

No.

That's the other thing
about millennials.

You can't believe
anything we say.

Which is why we're happy

you come along only
once every 1,000 years.

Shh.

Honey, honey.

So, um, so --
so, you gonna say yes?

I guess I am.

Mom, I'm gonna say yes.

[ Chuckles ]
She's gonna say yes!

[ Laughs ]

Ooh.
Mike, join us.

Hey, I'm good over here.
I see a big snot bubble forming.

Hey, Mr. B?
I'm taking off.

Got a big date tonight.

Yeah, Mandy said you're
taking her someplace special.

Yeah,
my favorite taco truck.

The food is great,

and the horn
doesn't play "La Cucaracha."

Ah.

I like a truck
that thinks outside the box.

You know, I've never
smacked you in the head,

but let's pretend
I just did.

Okay.

Ow.
What was that for?

A taco truck?

Your idea of taking her
to a special restaurant

is a restaurant that
needs to pass a smog test.

How about a place
like Leonardo's?

Oh,
I-I can't afford that.

Plus,
even if they had tacos,

they'd probably be
those fancy ones with, like...

Chicken.

Let's just pretend I smacked you
in the head again.

A taco truck?
Come on!

It would be great if sometimes you
would just aim a little higher.

I see.

You want me
to live beyond my means.

Got it. No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.

I mean
dream beyond your means.

You know, then you work hard
to make that dream a reality,

and then you could go
to restaurants like Leonardo's

anytime you wanted to.

[ Chuckles ] Then I'd probably
be on a first-name basis

with Leonardo.
[ Sighs ]

Wait a minute.
Everyone is.

His name's on the sign.

Come on, Kyle.

Listen, kid, why don't you
take her to Leonardo's, okay?

Oh, no.
I-I can't take that.

T-this is not
what you think.

This is
your arbor day bonus.

I never gave it to you.

And what kind of Outdoor Man
would I be

if I didn't
support the trees?

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Thanks, Mr. B.
You bet.

And make it a special night
tonight.

Help her on with her coat,
pull out her chair,

and try not to have
that argument

about why Batman shouldn't
be fighting Superman.

[ Door opens ]

I thought
Mike would never leave.

What the hell
were you two going on about?

I'm not sure,

but it ended with me
getting a bunch of money.

Hey, look,
wendi's ring is ready.

The jeweler called, so go.
Just pick it up, will you?

Oh, great, yeah. I'll get it on
my way to pick up Mandy tonight.

Good.
And remember...

Right.
I'll wear Chapstick.

Mm.
But back to the ring.

Yesterday,
Mr. B saw me with it.

Oh, damn it, Kyle.

Now, you weren't supposed
to put it on

and go traipsing around
with it.

Well, no.
I-I didn't.

Not here in the store,
anyway.

But you're right.

He does have a very strong
opinion about this.

And -- and he should.
You know, he's your best friend.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And for my last three marriages,
my best man.

Wait a minute.
Maybe he's the jinx.

Just talk to him, sir.

Honoring friendship is the
right thing to do. Mm.

Unlike Batman
trying to fight Superman.

I mean, it's crazy.
He's the man of steel.

♪♪

This is so exciting.

I arranged for
a bottle of champagne

to be waiting for Mandy and Kyle
at the restaurant tonight.

Oh, great.
Champagne and those two?

Somebody's coming home
with an eye patch.

Honey, honey, do you remember
when you proposed to me?

[ Sighs ] Yes.
Yeah.

Tell me the story --

the whole story,
from the beginning.

From the beginning?
From the beginning.

It was a beautiful day
in October.

July.
You proposed in July.

Yeah, but I was born in October.
It's a long story.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, hold on.
I do know the story.

I'm just gonna...
Okay.

Okay, I'll tell you
the whole story.

Just a minute.

Hey, ed.
Come on in!

Thank you, thank you.

Well,
what do we got here?

A really old scotch.
[ Door closes ]

You know what goes
with really old scotch

is brand-new ice cubes.

Oh.

Mm.
Hm-mmm.

So, what's the occasion?

Well,
there is an occasion,

but I'm gonna need
some time to get to it.

Well, you better get to
it right about here. Mm.

'Cause we're laughing.

Right here, we're crying.
Mm-hmm.

Right about here,
we start singing.

And this area's unknown.
I never remember about that.

Eh.

♪♪

What should we toast to,
Kyle?

I don't think we should drink
this champagne, Mandy.

We didn't order it.

Um, let's toast
to how lucky we are.

[ Glasses clink ]

I-I don't think it's luck.

I-I think this is stealing.

I am kind of curious, though.
I've never had champagne.

Ahh.

That is disgusting.

A romantic restaurant...
[ Chuckles ]

A bottle of champagne...

You
and a shirt with buttons.

Sort of feels
like a special night.

[ Both chuckle ]

Well,
you can thank Mr. arbor day.

This moment seems
just perfect.

Is, um...

Is there anything special
you want to ask me?

Actually, there is.

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

Do...They bring you bread,
or do you have to order it?

♪♪

[ Sniffs ] Mmm.
This is magnificent.

Yeah.

Yeah, the scotch sure know
how to make whiskey.

[ Smacks lips ]
And tape.

Yeah.
Yeah.

So, you really have
something to talk about,

or you just kind of tired
of drinking alone?

[ Sighs ]
Yeah, there is.

Kyle tells me
you saw the ring.

[ Clears throat ]

So you know about that?

S-should I take your silence
on the subject as disapproval?

No, you know,
I'm just conflicted.

At the end of the day, when two
people are meant to be together,

that's really what's important,
right?

Well, of course. So what's --
what's the objection?

Or is it because of how much
you dislike the bride-to-be?

[ Smacks lips ]

She's not my favorite.

But come on.
I -- I don't "dislike" her.

Well,
I'm gonna tell her that.

Maybe it'll stop her from taking
shots at you behind your back.

How much time are you two
spending together?

Plenty.

She's a special lady, Mike,
and I -- I want her to be happy.

Me too.
I just hope she's okay

with somebody that doesn't have
a lot of ambition.

Excuse me? Excu--
is that a joke?

No, it's not a Jo--
walking around that store, man,

with a big, goofy grin
on your face

doesn't make you
successful.

Eh? Well, I-it does
if you own the store.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.
Right.

Not a shot in hell of Kyle
ever owning the store!

Why are you
talking about Kyle?

Who are you
talking about?

Me!

I'm getting married
to wendi...

If Kyle ever shows up
with the ring.

Uh-oh.

Thought you two
would be singing by now.

W-we got a little problem.

[ Clears throat ]
The ring was Ed's.

He's giving it to wendi.

Uh-oh.

This is
a horrible mistake.

Maybe, but I'm still gonna
ask her to marry me.

♪♪

Well...
We've had our dinner.

Guess we're getting pretty close
to the end of our evening.

Ah, not so fast,
little lady.

We still haven't had
the main event.

Really?
What would that be?!

Cheesecake!

[ Squeaks ]

I know you got a ring
over there.

You do?

Man, I'm just the worst
at keeping this thing a secret.

I'd really love to see it.

Oh, well,
it is quite the ring.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god!

[ Chuckles ]
[ Blows ]

Here you go.
[ Gasps ] Oh!

[ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]

[ Squealing ] Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
I can't believe it!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm very good
at finding things.

Ah!
[ Cellphone rings ]

Oh!
It's my mom!

Mom,
I'm just sitting here

looking at the most beautiful
ring in the entire world!

Wait, what?

[ Shakily ] It is?

Really?

Huh.

Mm, mom, I got to go.

Mom, I got to go!

You know what?

I bet once Mandy and Kyle
realized what happened,

they had a really good laugh
about it.

Yeah, it's called positive thinking.
[ Door opens ]

You can go now, Kyle.

I'm going to my room...
Forever.

[ Door closes ]

That's why
positive thinking sucks.

I still don't know
what I did to upset you.

You didn't do anything.

I'm just an idiot,

and I would like
the worst night of my life

to come to an end.

Hey, you want to hear
a funny story?

Guy sees
another guy with a ring.

Guy tells his wife.

Guy's wife sends champagne
to a couple at the restaurant.

That pretty much brings us
up to where we are right now.

I don't get it.

Oh!

No, I don't get it.

When I saw you
with that ring,

I thought
you were giving that to Mandy.

That's my mistake.

My bigger mistake
was I told my wife.

So this is the funny story
you're telling me?

Well,
it's not funny at all!

Well, you know,
tragedy plus time...

It's not like I haven't thought
about proposing to Mandy.

I think about it a lot.

So you really do
want to marry her?

Yeah, of course.

It's like we live in this world
full of beauty and wonder.

Without her,
it would be empty.

You know, it's like, when I make
her smile and she's happy,

that's when I know
why I was put here.

Are, uh...

Are you reading that
off of something?

I-I need to be more
than a clerk in a store,

you know,
when I propose to Mandy.

I want
to accomplish big things

so that I can give her
a great life.

I want to be the man
that your daughter deserves.

Kyle, this is, of course,
a big decision.

It's all up to you
what you do,

but if you're waiting to become
the man that Mandy deserves,

I think you are that man.

Thank you, sir.

A-and you should know
that when the time comes,

I would never
ask Mandy to marry me

without getting
your permission first.

Damn right!

But I appreciate that.
[ Door opens ]

I really do.

Hey, Kyle.
Can we talk?

Honey,
let's get some coffee.

No, you go.
I want to hear this.

Okay!
Geez!

Look, I'm -- I'm sorry about
the ring that wasn't for you.

I'm sorry about the cheesecake
you didn't get to eat.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah,
it was a weird night.

[ Chuckles ] You thought
I was gonna ask you to marry me.

Yeah.

And you got upset
when I didn't.

Yes.

And embarrassed
and humiliated.

Yep, yeah, I know.
I was there, Kyle.

I remember
the whole thing.

But, you know,
I realized something

when I was talking
to mom.

I had no reason
to be embarrassed.

I love you,
and I will be perfectly happy

just staying like this
for the rest of our lives.

Well, I won't be.

What are you doing?

This was my mother's.

It's beautiful.

Next to you,

it's the thing that means
the most to me in my life.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Breathes shakily ]

Mandy Baxter...

Oh, shoot.
Hang on.

I got to ask your dad
something.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm good. Vanessa's good.
[ Vanessa sobs ]

We're all good in here.

Thank you, sir.

Mandy Baxter,
will you marry me?

Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]
Yes, Kyle, yes.

Isn't love beautiful?

Yeah.
[ Sobs ]

Young love is. Come on.
[ Sobbing ]

Come on,
let's get you cleaned up.

Come on, come on.

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

During the mating season,

the call of the bull elk
begins deep, resonant,

and then becomes a high-pitched
squeal before ending in a grunt.

Sound familiar, ladies?

Elk don't choose
their mating season.

Well,
this guy certainly doesn't.

Only humans
pick their mating season,

unless you're a human

who spends a lot of time
waiting in line at comic-con.

[ Chuckling ] Then your
mating season may never come.

How do we know it's
the right time to get married?

Are we far enough
on the path?

Do we have enough money?

Is kanye really ready
to settle down?

Kanye.

Maybe there is no right time.

There's only the right person,
and when you find her,

you hold onto her
and treat her good,

because if you don't,

her dad will get his good pal,
the fish-and-game warden,

to issue him a license for
a one-day son-in-law season.

That's not a real thing,
is it?

I don't know.

Is it?