Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 15 - Home Sweet Loan - full transcript
Mike has convinced Kristin and Ryan to buy a home instead of renting an apartment. But when he finds the ideal place for them, Ryan surprises everyone with a change of heart and backs out of the idea. Meanwhile, Mandy doesn't want Eve in the basement, which doubles as her work space, but Kyle defends her right to be there.
♪♪
There is so much fine print
on this lease.
Maybe we should have a lawyer
look at it before we sign it.
Yeah, good call.
'Cause if you can't trust
a lawyer to be straightforward,
who can you trust?
[ Door opens ]
Hey! There are
my two favorite men.
[ Chuckles ]
Thanks for that, babe.
You were a lot nicer
as a blonde.
All right, all right.
How was the park? I bet it was
packed on a warm day like this.
Actually, we like it
when it's like 5 below.
That way, when the kids cry,
their eyes freeze shut.
Yeah, but if it's too cold,
there's no girls there.
Don Juan here saw a girl,
told her she was pretty.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
Well, I hope
you also told her
that she was strong
and smart and important.
Uh, she was wearing her mittens
on the wrong hands,
so "smart"
never even came up.
I just thought
she was pretty.
Oh, well,
you can think that, son,
but you should never
tell a woman that she's pretty.
And that's why you're third
on my list of favorite men.
Well, at least
he's on a list of men.
I am a proud feminist,
and one of the things I stress
when homeschooling Boyd
is that he should appreciate
a woman for her mind.
Great -- then he'll be
the kid in college
the other girls
share their feelings with...
While they're sleeping
with other men.
Is this a lease? What, are you
guys getting out of this dump?
The lease is actually
for this dump.
Or, as we like to call it,
our home.
If we sign up
for another two years,
we can save $100 a month.
Oh.
There's 5% savings
right there.
Maybe you should consider
a Target card.
Well, I know that doesn't sound
like much money to you, Mike.
It's a lot of money.
That's why I have a Target card.
[ Laughs ]
I thought you guys
were thinking of moving out
and buying a house.
Boyd would be able
to play in a yard
instead of going to the park
to look at girls'...Minds.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, we're not really
in a rush.
We have
a five-year plan.
Well, sometimes, plans
don't work out like that.
I had a four-year plan
with Obama.
It's turned into
an eight-year nightmare.
My nightmare
is being buried alive,
and yours is
eight years of prosperity?
That's weird.
I just don't like the guy.
Get off my back.
Dad, we looked,
but we couldn't find a house
that we both liked.
Yeah, it's like
they're either gone too fast
or they were falling apart.
It's either like,
"ah, rats. Somebody got it,"
or it's just like,
"eww! Rats."
Do me a favor --
don't sign that lease yet.
Let me have my guys look.
I think I can find you guys
the perfect house.
Of course
you think that,
'cause you're
the great Mike Baxter.
Yeah, you can butter me up
all you want,
but you're not getting ahold
of my Target card.
-- Captions by Vitac --
♪♪
Check out this house
I found for Kris.
Look at the price.
Do you believe that?
No, I can't. No.
Is that a lot
or a little?
I'm sorry -- I'm rich.
Well, in this market,
that's a great price.
And I also have
a $50,000 toaster
you might like.
You know how much I paid
for my first house?
No. You probably gave
the Indians a bag of beads.
And a thunder stick.
$550.
It was a kit.
[ Chuckles ]
Wish it came with a wife,
because my first one
did not work out.
Hey, dad. Got your text.
What's up?
Look what I found,
my buddies and I.
Found you
a beautiful little craftsman --
three bedroom, two bath.
And believe me, after a plate
of Brussels sprouts,
that second bath
is a marriage-saver.
And look at that price.
I know.
Apparently,
that's a good price.
Yes, I know.
I was confused at first, too.
Ed, could you go be rich
someplace else?
This is too good
to be true, okay?
It's a cute little house
in a great neighborhood.
It's gonna turn into
a bidding war.
It's not on M.L.S. Yet.
My buddy said
they want a quick sale.
She's lived here for 65 years --
a sweet old woman.
We got to take advantage
of that.
Incredible.
Dad, you're amazing.
Well, that's why
your husband always calls me
the great Mike Baxter.
♪♪
Unh-unh-unh!
Why are you down here?
What did you do?
You mess with
my shipping labels?
Did you glue
all my zippers together?
Oh, my god. You didn't
try anything on, did you?
Uh, I flossed my teeth
with some blue thread,
but I put it back.
You don't own
our family basement.
It's not our basement.
It's my space,
where I do my work.
Ah, yes,
the noble work of fashion --
making dumb people
look pretty.
Okay, get out!
Put that down!
Get out!
Hey!
Get out!
Hey, I am!
[ Door opens ]
I have every right
to be in our basement!
Way to be firm.
Mice can be
super-territorial.
This is sister stuff.
Oh, I get that.
My brothers used to mess with me
all the time.
I'm the youngest, too.
It's not easy, is it?
Nope.
A lot of noogies
and purple nurples.
One time, my brothers
locked me in the closet
with a street dog.
We do not
keep in touch.
Me and my brothers.
I love that street dog.
Whoa. That blows.
A big brother
should look out for you.
You know,
since you and Mandy are, like,
getting married and all,
technically,
you're my big brother.
That's right!
Yeah.
Oh, what should we do
first --
eat ice cream
or build a fort?
Who am I kidding?
Obviously, both.
That all sounds great,
but what I meant was...
[ Clears throat ]
...I'm kind of dealing
with a bully right now.
Mandy.
Really?
I know she's all sweet
around you,
but she's a monster to me.
I have seen
that side of her once.
She made a hostess cry.
But we did get
extra sausage
with our rootin' tootin'
breakfast platter.
♪♪
It has so much more space
than the apartment.
Oh! You know what I love
about these windows?
When you look out, you don't see
bums shoving each other.
Where did Ryan go?
Uh, I think he's taking
another look at the kitchen.
He wants to make sure
there's plenty of room
to soak his lentils.
So, what do you think?
Uh, I like it.
I really like it.
Yeah?
It's priced right.
Yeah, it is.
I know it is.
But -- ooh.
Ooh, that's still a lot
of money, dad. [ Chuckles ]
If you need a raise to afford
it, I'll give you a raise.
But you make plenty of money,
so stop bugging me about it.
It has that great yard
for Boyd.
And an office for me.
And the basement
is soundproof,
which would be good
for Boyd's drums.
And for Ryan's
political opinions.
What am I doing?
I-I love it.
I want this house.
Let's put in an offer.
Great.
So, uh, this is
a big pass, right?
"Pass" is a sports term,
so I assume you're confusing it
with "home run."
Honey, this -- this house has
everything we're looking for.
What -- what don't you
like about it, Ryan?
I don't know.
I mean, nothing specific.
It's just -- I don't really
like the vibe in here.
Oh, you probably saw some meat
in the kitchen.
We said we would
agree on this, right?
And I just don't see myself
living in the house.
Well, I guess we need to add
another box to the checklist.
"Vibe."
But you love this house.
Just go talk to him.
Yeah, but clearly,
he doesn't.
I mean, he's the one
that's gonna be
spending most of the time
in the house.
What am I
supposed to do?
What'd you do the first
million times he was wrong?
Yes, dad, I'm disappointed,
but Ryan and I are a team, okay?
We both have to
agree on this.
I appreciate what you did,
though, dad. Thanks.
Okay.
Hmm.
That guy needs
a swift kick to the lentils.
You know,
Ryan doesn't like the "vibe."
What does that even mean?
It's not groovy enough
for his tambourine jam sessions?
Now, don't make fun, Mike.
A real musician
can spend a lifetime
mastering the tambourine.
Yet a monkey can do it
in an hour.
And that monkey
who's married to my daughter
is keeping her from buying
the house of her dreams,
and that house
is a smokin' deal.
Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll
find a house they both like.
The one next to me is for sale
for $4 million.
Is that
in their price range?
You know, I-I'll ask.
I just wonder why the kid's
digging his heels in on this one.
Sometimes a man just wants
to have his say, Mike.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe under that lentil-soaked
radical feminist
lurks
an unevolved angry man.
And I'll find him.
♪♪
The hardest part about
being a designer is letting go.
You know,
my babies are safe here,
but once they're off
in the world,
someone could put on the wrong
pair of earrings, and then --
you never stop worrying.
You know what's funny about me?
I never worry.
Which concerns me.
Sometimes I'm up all night
thinking about it.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey. Don't even think about
going to that basement.
Yeah, get your bratty butt
back up to your own room.
[ Scoffs ]
That hurts, Mandy.
Like a word noogie.
Yeah. Good.
That was the intention.
Mandy, I think
that Eve should be able
to use the basement,
too.
You know,
we can do our work up here.
Go on down, sport.
Thanks, bro.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Snaps fingers ] Hey.
What was that?
I know what it's like
to be bullied
by an older sibling,
and I can't watch it.
Or any video,
no matter how hysterical,
that demeans old people.
They are gold people.
Oh, my god.
She's playing you.
[ Chuckles ]
No. I am not that gullible.
Uh, really?
How much money
have you given those "orphans"
in the north face jackets
that smoke outside the 7-Eleven?
I don't give them money.
I give them beer.
If you give them money, they're
just gonna spend it on drugs.
Eve keeps taking over
my workspace,
and she only does it
to mess with me.
And to keep me
from my babies.
How can she keep you
from your babies?
She sounds like that judge
my mom was always
complaining about.
Thanks a lot.
You sided with the wrong sister.
Oh!
And, by the way,
I've seen her laugh at a video
of an old man
trapped in a bounce house.
My god.
What have I done?
Yeah.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Is Kris here?
Uh, no, she's out.
What's up?
Uh, I was just driving through
the neighborhood really fast
with the doors locked,
my windows up.
Thought I'd stop by.
Well, if you're here
to try to talk me into
buying the house,
you can just save your breath.
No, I totally agree with you.
Had bad vibes.
Really?
Yeah.
The house had no mojo.
[ Scoffs ]
Don't even talk about juju.
Okay.
You're mocking me.
You're a sharp kid,
you know?
I think the reason
you don't like this house
is 'cause you're upset
'cause your wife would have to
make the payments.
That's ridiculous.
Because you're not into
traditional gender roles.
You're right.
No, I'm not.
So you wouldn't mind when
you get to the grocery store,
you pull your wallet
out of your yoga pants
and it's filled
with your wife's money.
Or that you're wearing
yoga pants.
Nope.
Wouldn't bother me at all.
Seems like
it bothers you.
Yeah, well, you know what?
It does bother me.
Okay? You're right.
And I hate
having to tell you that.
Yeah? You hate having to tell me
it, yet I love hearing it.
Weird.
I'm an evolved,
21st century male.
I shouldn't
think like this.
You know, the operative word
there was "male,"
and you may hide it with your
hemp sandals and your man-purse,
but you're a guy,
just like the rest of us.
But I pride myself
on being better than that.
Now it's just like
I'm turning into you.
[ Chuckles ]
First off, you wish.
And you're not
turning into anything.
You've always been
a guy.
Stop calling me that!
I just want to wait
a few years,
'cause then
I'll be working again
and I can help
make the payments.
But this house
is a really good deal.
And taking care of your family
means you got to act now,
and that might mean
you have to swallow your pride.
That is really hard.
I get it.
But if you can swallow
those Kale chips,
you can swallow
just about anything.
[ Door opens ]
Hey.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing here?
Um, just came over
to talk about the house.
Oh. Yeah, I thought we agreed
to let that go.
I don't want you
pressuring Ryan.
Uh, actually,
your dad made some good points.
What --
so, you're considering it?
Well, it does have that
great yard... Yeah.
...and it's across the street
from the park. Mm-hmm.
I'm still really worried
about the money.
Oh, honey.
Honey, I got this.
She's got this. It's a lot
of money, but, you know --
and you got to worry about
property taxes and repairs.
And insurance
and utilities.
Right. There's a million things
you got to think about.
But this isn't your problem.
It's Kris'.
It just seems like a lot
to put on her.
She can handle it.
She's a Baxter.
She's not worried
about a 30-year mortgage.
Wow. 30 years.
Boyd's gonna be like
10 years older
than we are right now
before it's even paid off.
But the good thing is,
because of your wife,
your kid will be living
in a great house.
Yeah. You're right.
You know what?
That's important.
All right, I'm ready
to jump into this.
Yeah. I'm not.
What? What?
"Kristin can do it.
Kristin can do it."
A 30-year mortgage?
I got news for you --
Kristin ain't doing it!
Chicks, right?
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hey.
How'd it go?
[ Chuckles ]
Well...
Hi.
Ryan completely flipped
his attitude on the house.
Great!
So did Kristin.
Why?
Things were said,
mistakes were made.
Who remembers
exactly what happened?
She's panicking
about a 30-year mortgage.
Oh. She was so excited
about that house.
I said mistakes were made.
Quit harping on it.
She needs a little assurance
right now.
Yeah, well, then why aren't you
still over there,
talking to her about it?
I rarely say this,
but...
I'm not the right person
to do this -- you are.
I am?
Let's not get
too excited, okay?
Our bench
isn't that deep.
♪♪
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Door handle rattles ]
Go away, Mandy!
I could shut this sweatshop down
with one call!
It's me, Eve.
Your brother.
In-law.
To-be.
It's Kyle.
Oh. Sorry.
I thought it was Mandy.
And the emotional bruises
haven't healed yet.
Save it.
You abused
my sweet and trusting nature,
and I am very disappointed
in you, young lady.
You're right.
I'm really sorry.
[ Sighs ]
I'll never do it again.
I'm a horrible person!
Oh -- no, no.
[ Chuckles ]
It's okay.
[ Whimpers ]
The important thing is,
you learned your lesson.
I really did.
You're a great big brother,
Kyle.
[ Laughs ] All right.
Okay.
All right,
you have fun, sport.
Wait a second.
You did it again!
Stupid
sweet, trusting nature!
Kyle, I just really want
to be alone right now.
[ Sighs ]
Why is it so important
for you to be down here?
What are you doing?
And when did Mandy
get a guitar?
It's mine, okay?
I've been writing songs,
and I come down here
to play them
so nobody can hear them.
Why don't you want
anyone else to hear?
Oh, do they really suck?
They're just personal.
Ever since I got rejected
from West Point...
I don't know -- I've just been
feeling really lost.
I've been there.
Not West Point -- lost.
Singing about it
helps you?
Yeah.
Unfortunately, not a lot
of words rhyme with "point."
Just don't tell anybody,
okay?
Oh, I won't.
But look, Mandy's got to
get down here to do her work.
Yeah, I know.
You know, my apartment's empty
all day when I'm at work.
I could make you a key,
and you could play there.
Really?
You would do that for me
even after I tricked you?
Of course.
Wait -- unless
this is another trick.
It's not.
Thanks, Kyle.
You really are
a good big brother.
This is nothing.
Wait till you see me
build a fort.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, good.
I thought it was dad stopping by
to bug me about the house.
No, he gave that job
to me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, wai--
honey.
I didn't come by to bug you. No?
I just want
to give you something
that might ease your mind
about buying the house.
Oh.
Here.
Is there a big-ass check
in here?
No, no.
There's a picture
of Boyd and Ryan --
just like
there was a picture of me
when my grandmother
gave it to your dad.
She said it would
always remind him
not to worry
about the house,
that home
is where the heart is.
Aww.
Nana was
always kind of cheesy.
I don't know.
I think she found a way
to deliver a profound message
in a very simple way.
You just came up with this,
didn't you?
No!
Mom, there's a Target sticker
stuck on the back.
This family
sucks at sentiment.
Your father wanted me
to talk to you about the house.
Why? So he can blame you
when I don't change my mind?
Oh. Quite possibly.
I hadn't considered that.
Mom, it's a 30-year mortgage,
okay?
What if I can't keep up
with the payments?
We'll lose the house,
and I'll let my family down.
I get it, honey.
It's scary.
Yeah.
But dad doesn't.
The only thing
he's ever been scared of is --
you know, I can't actually
think of an example.
I can.
When your father signed
for our first mortgage,
he pressed down so hard
that he carved his name
into the desk.
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
Why wouldn't he
tell me that?
Well, would you
have believed him?
No. I'd think
he was trying to trick me.
Yeah.
But you believe me.
Yeah.
Because you never
try to trick me.
No, but I-I do.
I do actually believe you.
Yeah, well,
that's why I'm here.
So, dad bought the house
even though he was scared.
That's so annoyingly dad.
Honey, your father
did not become
the folk hero
he believes he is
by running from the things
he's scared of.
He faced them.
And you're saying
that I am like dad?
Well, god forbid one of you
should be like me, but yes.
Yes.
You want that house?
I do. [ Groans ]
I really do.
Yeah, then do what your father
would do -- go get it.
Okay.
Okay,
I think I will.
Thanks, mom.
This really helped.
Well, I was just
speaking from the heart.
And dad knew you would.
He really is
the great Mike Baxter.
♪♪
Hey. Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
When you're out for
a little stroll in the rockies,
your pack may feel like
a heavy burden,
but its contents are actually
keeping you alive.
Same with family.
Sure, there are times when your
spouse and your kids feel like
a backbreaking weight,
you know, slowing you down,
clipping your wings,
grinding you into a nub,
making your life miserable,
just...
Where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no stronger force
than a family --
man, woman, children.
As any builder will tell you,
the triangle's
the strongest shape.
You don't believe me?
Try making this a rhombus --
with an extra girlfriend
in there.
See how quickly
that thing collapses.
Of course, every primary
breadwinner has seen
the "footprints in the sand"
wall hanging
and thought,
"I get your point, god,
but it's not you -- it's me.
I'm carrying everybody."
And maybe sometimes you are.
But you couldn't carry them
if they weren't giving you
the strength to do it.
Think about it.
Because there's nothing
as mighty in all the world
as a loving family.
[ Chuckles ]
And they'll never find me
up here.
♪♪
There is so much fine print
on this lease.
Maybe we should have a lawyer
look at it before we sign it.
Yeah, good call.
'Cause if you can't trust
a lawyer to be straightforward,
who can you trust?
[ Door opens ]
Hey! There are
my two favorite men.
[ Chuckles ]
Thanks for that, babe.
You were a lot nicer
as a blonde.
All right, all right.
How was the park? I bet it was
packed on a warm day like this.
Actually, we like it
when it's like 5 below.
That way, when the kids cry,
their eyes freeze shut.
Yeah, but if it's too cold,
there's no girls there.
Don Juan here saw a girl,
told her she was pretty.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
Well, I hope
you also told her
that she was strong
and smart and important.
Uh, she was wearing her mittens
on the wrong hands,
so "smart"
never even came up.
I just thought
she was pretty.
Oh, well,
you can think that, son,
but you should never
tell a woman that she's pretty.
And that's why you're third
on my list of favorite men.
Well, at least
he's on a list of men.
I am a proud feminist,
and one of the things I stress
when homeschooling Boyd
is that he should appreciate
a woman for her mind.
Great -- then he'll be
the kid in college
the other girls
share their feelings with...
While they're sleeping
with other men.
Is this a lease? What, are you
guys getting out of this dump?
The lease is actually
for this dump.
Or, as we like to call it,
our home.
If we sign up
for another two years,
we can save $100 a month.
Oh.
There's 5% savings
right there.
Maybe you should consider
a Target card.
Well, I know that doesn't sound
like much money to you, Mike.
It's a lot of money.
That's why I have a Target card.
[ Laughs ]
I thought you guys
were thinking of moving out
and buying a house.
Boyd would be able
to play in a yard
instead of going to the park
to look at girls'...Minds.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, we're not really
in a rush.
We have
a five-year plan.
Well, sometimes, plans
don't work out like that.
I had a four-year plan
with Obama.
It's turned into
an eight-year nightmare.
My nightmare
is being buried alive,
and yours is
eight years of prosperity?
That's weird.
I just don't like the guy.
Get off my back.
Dad, we looked,
but we couldn't find a house
that we both liked.
Yeah, it's like
they're either gone too fast
or they were falling apart.
It's either like,
"ah, rats. Somebody got it,"
or it's just like,
"eww! Rats."
Do me a favor --
don't sign that lease yet.
Let me have my guys look.
I think I can find you guys
the perfect house.
Of course
you think that,
'cause you're
the great Mike Baxter.
Yeah, you can butter me up
all you want,
but you're not getting ahold
of my Target card.
-- Captions by Vitac --
♪♪
Check out this house
I found for Kris.
Look at the price.
Do you believe that?
No, I can't. No.
Is that a lot
or a little?
I'm sorry -- I'm rich.
Well, in this market,
that's a great price.
And I also have
a $50,000 toaster
you might like.
You know how much I paid
for my first house?
No. You probably gave
the Indians a bag of beads.
And a thunder stick.
$550.
It was a kit.
[ Chuckles ]
Wish it came with a wife,
because my first one
did not work out.
Hey, dad. Got your text.
What's up?
Look what I found,
my buddies and I.
Found you
a beautiful little craftsman --
three bedroom, two bath.
And believe me, after a plate
of Brussels sprouts,
that second bath
is a marriage-saver.
And look at that price.
I know.
Apparently,
that's a good price.
Yes, I know.
I was confused at first, too.
Ed, could you go be rich
someplace else?
This is too good
to be true, okay?
It's a cute little house
in a great neighborhood.
It's gonna turn into
a bidding war.
It's not on M.L.S. Yet.
My buddy said
they want a quick sale.
She's lived here for 65 years --
a sweet old woman.
We got to take advantage
of that.
Incredible.
Dad, you're amazing.
Well, that's why
your husband always calls me
the great Mike Baxter.
♪♪
Unh-unh-unh!
Why are you down here?
What did you do?
You mess with
my shipping labels?
Did you glue
all my zippers together?
Oh, my god. You didn't
try anything on, did you?
Uh, I flossed my teeth
with some blue thread,
but I put it back.
You don't own
our family basement.
It's not our basement.
It's my space,
where I do my work.
Ah, yes,
the noble work of fashion --
making dumb people
look pretty.
Okay, get out!
Put that down!
Get out!
Hey!
Get out!
Hey, I am!
[ Door opens ]
I have every right
to be in our basement!
Way to be firm.
Mice can be
super-territorial.
This is sister stuff.
Oh, I get that.
My brothers used to mess with me
all the time.
I'm the youngest, too.
It's not easy, is it?
Nope.
A lot of noogies
and purple nurples.
One time, my brothers
locked me in the closet
with a street dog.
We do not
keep in touch.
Me and my brothers.
I love that street dog.
Whoa. That blows.
A big brother
should look out for you.
You know,
since you and Mandy are, like,
getting married and all,
technically,
you're my big brother.
That's right!
Yeah.
Oh, what should we do
first --
eat ice cream
or build a fort?
Who am I kidding?
Obviously, both.
That all sounds great,
but what I meant was...
[ Clears throat ]
...I'm kind of dealing
with a bully right now.
Mandy.
Really?
I know she's all sweet
around you,
but she's a monster to me.
I have seen
that side of her once.
She made a hostess cry.
But we did get
extra sausage
with our rootin' tootin'
breakfast platter.
♪♪
It has so much more space
than the apartment.
Oh! You know what I love
about these windows?
When you look out, you don't see
bums shoving each other.
Where did Ryan go?
Uh, I think he's taking
another look at the kitchen.
He wants to make sure
there's plenty of room
to soak his lentils.
So, what do you think?
Uh, I like it.
I really like it.
Yeah?
It's priced right.
Yeah, it is.
I know it is.
But -- ooh.
Ooh, that's still a lot
of money, dad. [ Chuckles ]
If you need a raise to afford
it, I'll give you a raise.
But you make plenty of money,
so stop bugging me about it.
It has that great yard
for Boyd.
And an office for me.
And the basement
is soundproof,
which would be good
for Boyd's drums.
And for Ryan's
political opinions.
What am I doing?
I-I love it.
I want this house.
Let's put in an offer.
Great.
So, uh, this is
a big pass, right?
"Pass" is a sports term,
so I assume you're confusing it
with "home run."
Honey, this -- this house has
everything we're looking for.
What -- what don't you
like about it, Ryan?
I don't know.
I mean, nothing specific.
It's just -- I don't really
like the vibe in here.
Oh, you probably saw some meat
in the kitchen.
We said we would
agree on this, right?
And I just don't see myself
living in the house.
Well, I guess we need to add
another box to the checklist.
"Vibe."
But you love this house.
Just go talk to him.
Yeah, but clearly,
he doesn't.
I mean, he's the one
that's gonna be
spending most of the time
in the house.
What am I
supposed to do?
What'd you do the first
million times he was wrong?
Yes, dad, I'm disappointed,
but Ryan and I are a team, okay?
We both have to
agree on this.
I appreciate what you did,
though, dad. Thanks.
Okay.
Hmm.
That guy needs
a swift kick to the lentils.
You know,
Ryan doesn't like the "vibe."
What does that even mean?
It's not groovy enough
for his tambourine jam sessions?
Now, don't make fun, Mike.
A real musician
can spend a lifetime
mastering the tambourine.
Yet a monkey can do it
in an hour.
And that monkey
who's married to my daughter
is keeping her from buying
the house of her dreams,
and that house
is a smokin' deal.
Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll
find a house they both like.
The one next to me is for sale
for $4 million.
Is that
in their price range?
You know, I-I'll ask.
I just wonder why the kid's
digging his heels in on this one.
Sometimes a man just wants
to have his say, Mike.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe under that lentil-soaked
radical feminist
lurks
an unevolved angry man.
And I'll find him.
♪♪
The hardest part about
being a designer is letting go.
You know,
my babies are safe here,
but once they're off
in the world,
someone could put on the wrong
pair of earrings, and then --
you never stop worrying.
You know what's funny about me?
I never worry.
Which concerns me.
Sometimes I'm up all night
thinking about it.
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey. Don't even think about
going to that basement.
Yeah, get your bratty butt
back up to your own room.
[ Scoffs ]
That hurts, Mandy.
Like a word noogie.
Yeah. Good.
That was the intention.
Mandy, I think
that Eve should be able
to use the basement,
too.
You know,
we can do our work up here.
Go on down, sport.
Thanks, bro.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Snaps fingers ] Hey.
What was that?
I know what it's like
to be bullied
by an older sibling,
and I can't watch it.
Or any video,
no matter how hysterical,
that demeans old people.
They are gold people.
Oh, my god.
She's playing you.
[ Chuckles ]
No. I am not that gullible.
Uh, really?
How much money
have you given those "orphans"
in the north face jackets
that smoke outside the 7-Eleven?
I don't give them money.
I give them beer.
If you give them money, they're
just gonna spend it on drugs.
Eve keeps taking over
my workspace,
and she only does it
to mess with me.
And to keep me
from my babies.
How can she keep you
from your babies?
She sounds like that judge
my mom was always
complaining about.
Thanks a lot.
You sided with the wrong sister.
Oh!
And, by the way,
I've seen her laugh at a video
of an old man
trapped in a bounce house.
My god.
What have I done?
Yeah.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Is Kris here?
Uh, no, she's out.
What's up?
Uh, I was just driving through
the neighborhood really fast
with the doors locked,
my windows up.
Thought I'd stop by.
Well, if you're here
to try to talk me into
buying the house,
you can just save your breath.
No, I totally agree with you.
Had bad vibes.
Really?
Yeah.
The house had no mojo.
[ Scoffs ]
Don't even talk about juju.
Okay.
You're mocking me.
You're a sharp kid,
you know?
I think the reason
you don't like this house
is 'cause you're upset
'cause your wife would have to
make the payments.
That's ridiculous.
Because you're not into
traditional gender roles.
You're right.
No, I'm not.
So you wouldn't mind when
you get to the grocery store,
you pull your wallet
out of your yoga pants
and it's filled
with your wife's money.
Or that you're wearing
yoga pants.
Nope.
Wouldn't bother me at all.
Seems like
it bothers you.
Yeah, well, you know what?
It does bother me.
Okay? You're right.
And I hate
having to tell you that.
Yeah? You hate having to tell me
it, yet I love hearing it.
Weird.
I'm an evolved,
21st century male.
I shouldn't
think like this.
You know, the operative word
there was "male,"
and you may hide it with your
hemp sandals and your man-purse,
but you're a guy,
just like the rest of us.
But I pride myself
on being better than that.
Now it's just like
I'm turning into you.
[ Chuckles ]
First off, you wish.
And you're not
turning into anything.
You've always been
a guy.
Stop calling me that!
I just want to wait
a few years,
'cause then
I'll be working again
and I can help
make the payments.
But this house
is a really good deal.
And taking care of your family
means you got to act now,
and that might mean
you have to swallow your pride.
That is really hard.
I get it.
But if you can swallow
those Kale chips,
you can swallow
just about anything.
[ Door opens ]
Hey.
Hey, dad.
What are you doing here?
Um, just came over
to talk about the house.
Oh. Yeah, I thought we agreed
to let that go.
I don't want you
pressuring Ryan.
Uh, actually,
your dad made some good points.
What --
so, you're considering it?
Well, it does have that
great yard... Yeah.
...and it's across the street
from the park. Mm-hmm.
I'm still really worried
about the money.
Oh, honey.
Honey, I got this.
She's got this. It's a lot
of money, but, you know --
and you got to worry about
property taxes and repairs.
And insurance
and utilities.
Right. There's a million things
you got to think about.
But this isn't your problem.
It's Kris'.
It just seems like a lot
to put on her.
She can handle it.
She's a Baxter.
She's not worried
about a 30-year mortgage.
Wow. 30 years.
Boyd's gonna be like
10 years older
than we are right now
before it's even paid off.
But the good thing is,
because of your wife,
your kid will be living
in a great house.
Yeah. You're right.
You know what?
That's important.
All right, I'm ready
to jump into this.
Yeah. I'm not.
What? What?
"Kristin can do it.
Kristin can do it."
A 30-year mortgage?
I got news for you --
Kristin ain't doing it!
Chicks, right?
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hey.
How'd it go?
[ Chuckles ]
Well...
Hi.
Ryan completely flipped
his attitude on the house.
Great!
So did Kristin.
Why?
Things were said,
mistakes were made.
Who remembers
exactly what happened?
She's panicking
about a 30-year mortgage.
Oh. She was so excited
about that house.
I said mistakes were made.
Quit harping on it.
She needs a little assurance
right now.
Yeah, well, then why aren't you
still over there,
talking to her about it?
I rarely say this,
but...
I'm not the right person
to do this -- you are.
I am?
Let's not get
too excited, okay?
Our bench
isn't that deep.
♪♪
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
[ Door handle rattles ]
Go away, Mandy!
I could shut this sweatshop down
with one call!
It's me, Eve.
Your brother.
In-law.
To-be.
It's Kyle.
Oh. Sorry.
I thought it was Mandy.
And the emotional bruises
haven't healed yet.
Save it.
You abused
my sweet and trusting nature,
and I am very disappointed
in you, young lady.
You're right.
I'm really sorry.
[ Sighs ]
I'll never do it again.
I'm a horrible person!
Oh -- no, no.
[ Chuckles ]
It's okay.
[ Whimpers ]
The important thing is,
you learned your lesson.
I really did.
You're a great big brother,
Kyle.
[ Laughs ] All right.
Okay.
All right,
you have fun, sport.
Wait a second.
You did it again!
Stupid
sweet, trusting nature!
Kyle, I just really want
to be alone right now.
[ Sighs ]
Why is it so important
for you to be down here?
What are you doing?
And when did Mandy
get a guitar?
It's mine, okay?
I've been writing songs,
and I come down here
to play them
so nobody can hear them.
Why don't you want
anyone else to hear?
Oh, do they really suck?
They're just personal.
Ever since I got rejected
from West Point...
I don't know -- I've just been
feeling really lost.
I've been there.
Not West Point -- lost.
Singing about it
helps you?
Yeah.
Unfortunately, not a lot
of words rhyme with "point."
Just don't tell anybody,
okay?
Oh, I won't.
But look, Mandy's got to
get down here to do her work.
Yeah, I know.
You know, my apartment's empty
all day when I'm at work.
I could make you a key,
and you could play there.
Really?
You would do that for me
even after I tricked you?
Of course.
Wait -- unless
this is another trick.
It's not.
Thanks, Kyle.
You really are
a good big brother.
This is nothing.
Wait till you see me
build a fort.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Oh, good.
I thought it was dad stopping by
to bug me about the house.
No, he gave that job
to me.
Thanks for stopping by.
Hey, wai--
honey.
I didn't come by to bug you. No?
I just want
to give you something
that might ease your mind
about buying the house.
Oh.
Here.
Is there a big-ass check
in here?
No, no.
There's a picture
of Boyd and Ryan --
just like
there was a picture of me
when my grandmother
gave it to your dad.
She said it would
always remind him
not to worry
about the house,
that home
is where the heart is.
Aww.
Nana was
always kind of cheesy.
I don't know.
I think she found a way
to deliver a profound message
in a very simple way.
You just came up with this,
didn't you?
No!
Mom, there's a Target sticker
stuck on the back.
This family
sucks at sentiment.
Your father wanted me
to talk to you about the house.
Why? So he can blame you
when I don't change my mind?
Oh. Quite possibly.
I hadn't considered that.
Mom, it's a 30-year mortgage,
okay?
What if I can't keep up
with the payments?
We'll lose the house,
and I'll let my family down.
I get it, honey.
It's scary.
Yeah.
But dad doesn't.
The only thing
he's ever been scared of is --
you know, I can't actually
think of an example.
I can.
When your father signed
for our first mortgage,
he pressed down so hard
that he carved his name
into the desk.
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.
Why wouldn't he
tell me that?
Well, would you
have believed him?
No. I'd think
he was trying to trick me.
Yeah.
But you believe me.
Yeah.
Because you never
try to trick me.
No, but I-I do.
I do actually believe you.
Yeah, well,
that's why I'm here.
So, dad bought the house
even though he was scared.
That's so annoyingly dad.
Honey, your father
did not become
the folk hero
he believes he is
by running from the things
he's scared of.
He faced them.
And you're saying
that I am like dad?
Well, god forbid one of you
should be like me, but yes.
Yes.
You want that house?
I do. [ Groans ]
I really do.
Yeah, then do what your father
would do -- go get it.
Okay.
Okay,
I think I will.
Thanks, mom.
This really helped.
Well, I was just
speaking from the heart.
And dad knew you would.
He really is
the great Mike Baxter.
♪♪
Hey. Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
When you're out for
a little stroll in the rockies,
your pack may feel like
a heavy burden,
but its contents are actually
keeping you alive.
Same with family.
Sure, there are times when your
spouse and your kids feel like
a backbreaking weight,
you know, slowing you down,
clipping your wings,
grinding you into a nub,
making your life miserable,
just...
Where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no stronger force
than a family --
man, woman, children.
As any builder will tell you,
the triangle's
the strongest shape.
You don't believe me?
Try making this a rhombus --
with an extra girlfriend
in there.
See how quickly
that thing collapses.
Of course, every primary
breadwinner has seen
the "footprints in the sand"
wall hanging
and thought,
"I get your point, god,
but it's not you -- it's me.
I'm carrying everybody."
And maybe sometimes you are.
But you couldn't carry them
if they weren't giving you
the strength to do it.
Think about it.
Because there's nothing
as mighty in all the world
as a loving family.
[ Chuckles ]
And they'll never find me
up here.
♪♪