Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Mike and the Mechanics - full transcript
♪♪
Ah, here she is --
my beautiful daughter,
up and ready to explore
this wonderful day!
Mom, I swear, if you keep up
with this fake-happy crap,
I'm gonna lock myself
in my room.
Did you hear that,
muffin?
She's not very happy.
"What?
Maybe if I lick her face,
that'll help."
Oh, muffin,
you always know what to do!
[ Smooching ]
Ugh! Even the dog
is embarrassed.
[ Sighs ]
Eve, you know something?
I know you're upset about
not getting into West Point,
but you can always
reapply.
Oh, yes,
because it felt so good
when they told me
they didn't want me,
I just want them to say it
again and again and again.
Hey, look
at the bright side.
You got into a lot
of other really great colleges.
Right, so why
can't I just move on?
I mean, if dad had
turned you down for marriage,
I'm sure there were
plenty of other losers
you would have loved
to spend your life with, right?
I don't know what
your father's been telling you,
but he asked me.
So your life's been perfect.
Congratulations.
Come on, come on, honey.
It's winter break!
Don't you want to get out
of the house and do something?
Mm, nope, I'm good.
The shows may change,
but the butt placement
will stay the same.
Mm.
Wha--
wow. The weirdest thing
just happened.
A bird flew in
and took your doughnut.
All these crumbs you see
are a result of the struggle.
I'm worried about Eve.
Ah.
You know, she hasn't
snapped out of her funk,
and she just sits in there
on the couch all day.
The deadlines for the colleges
she did get into
are coming up
really fast.
So you think
it's time I stepped in.
Well, I think
we should talk about it,
come up with a plan,
and then --
I got this.
Well, honey, wait --
uh, just...
Be gentle, okay?
She's really fragile
right now.
Honey, you know me.
Okay.
Eve. Eve, get your ass
off the couch.
You're going to work
with me.
What?
Yeah. Your mom's tired
of you moping. So am I.
Either get ready right now
or I'm taking you in your pjs.
Let's go. Come on. I'm not gonna
go to work with you, dad.
Okay, fine.
That's a good choice.
Get some duct tape,
I'll get a hand truck. Let's go.
All right, all right, all right.
Fine, fine, fine.
Can I at least finish
the cheerios in my robe pocket?
Okay, fine!
I'll go, but I'm not gonna
do anything or talk to anybody.
That's my job.
You got to work up to that.
Go on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go!
I got to get going here!
That was gentle?
Honey, you knew
what you were getting into
when you asked me
to marry you.
I --
-- captions by Vitac --
♪♪
Okay, I came to work with you.
Can I leave now?
With that attitude,
you'll fit right in around here.
What are we doing
in the service center?
Looking for my newest
and least favorite employee.
Hope you're not talking
about me.
Hey, Eve.
Hi, Mr. Leonard.
Well,
what brings you here?
It's "bring your pain-in-
the ass-daughter to work" day.
When I'm sad, that's the kind
of stuff my dad says to me.
Listen, I'm not getting
any repair reports upstairs,
so I can't get reimbursement
from the manufacturers
for the warranty work.
Are you using the iPad?
You mean that fancy
etch a sketch thing?
Yeah, the $700
etch a sketch thing.
When I hired you
to fill in,
you said you knew
how to use one of these.
I do.
Right.
Makes a great coaster.
It also makes
a good camera.
You take a picture
of the repairs you're doing,
then you send one up
to the server and cc it to me.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down,
Harry Potter, huh?
I got a better idea.
Why don't I bring my camera to work?
Okay.
I'll take a picture of the job.
Oh, good. Yeah.
I'll go down the drugstore.
Right.
I'll get the picture
developed.
I come back here, I take my pen,
I fill out the report.
What could be simpler
than that?
Using the iPad.
Is this how
he motivates people?
Eh, he's pretty much
all stick and no carrot.
Know what I mean?
You know,
I like this kid.
Good.
Why don't you keep her?
Listen, as a matter of fact,
Eve, I got a job for you.
I want you to teach Joe here
how to use this coaster.
Aw, come on.
Don't make the kid do that.
Wouldn't you rather
be at the roller rink
or maybe
at the malt shop?
[ Vocalizing ]
Uh...No.
I've got time.
Archie and Jughead
are busy, anyway.
Listen,
from now on, Joe,
my daughter's
gonna be your gal Friday.
It's, like,
an 80-year-old reference.
I'm sure you'll understand it,
all right?
Okay, look,
so, here's what you got to do.
[ Scoffs ]
You just
press this button...
[ Camera clicks ] And
there's your picture.
It sounds complicated.
How do you get through life
not knowing this stuff?
Quite well, thank you.
You know, I like life simple.
That's why I'm a mechanic.
Look --
something's broke,
you work on it, you fix it,
and at the end of the day,
you felt like
you've done something.
Yeah, well,
if you take a picture of it,
at the end of the day,
you'll have a job.
All right,
look, I'll give it a try.
Look,
I'll tell you what --
you taught me something.
I'm gonna teach you something.
You know the candy machine
in the hall? Yeah.
You tip it all the way to right,
free kit kats.
Want me to show you?
Hellz yeah!
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Hey, babe.
You know,
I'm feeling really sick.
I probably shouldn't have dinner
with Kyle and Mandy tonight.
Stupid flu, you know?
[ Chuckles ]
Well, that's how
you're gonna fake being sick?
Those acting classes
at the community center
are not paying off.
Come on.
Mandy is my sister, okay?
I want the four of us
to be close.
Can't you just do stuff
with her?
I mean, I like Kyle,
but we have nothing in common.
At least your dad
gives me material
for the message boards
on huffington post.
[ Knock on door ]
Look, I think
Kyle's in this family to stay,
so it would be great if you found
some way to connect with him.
[ Scoffs ] You know what?
You're right.
This is important to you,
so I will try hard.
Thank you.
[ Laughs ]
Those acting classes
are paying off.
Hey. Come on in.
Thanks. And as good guests,
we brought you guys a gift.
Kristin: Ooh!
Oh, my god.
That's "steel angel", volume 1.
This is a classic.
Uh, actually,
the wine is the gift.
Brought this to read
in case I got bored.
I didn't know
you liked comic books, Kyle.
[ Chuckles ]
Both: "Graphic novels."
You know, I love
how the characters
grapple with the dilemma
of vigilantism
in a nonlinear format.
Yeah. And I love
how they can pick up cars.
Hey, I've got Frank Miller's
"Dark Knight Returns" set
bagged and boarded.
Do you want to see it?
Can I?
Go.
I, uh, didn't know
Ryan was a comic book nerd, too.
Yeah, I didn't, either,
until after the wedding.
Hey, I'm glad that they found
something that they both like.
It'll make it easier
for us to hang out more.
More? Oh, I thought
this was a one-and-done.
Cheers.
What are you talking about?
W-we're sisters.
Yeah! We're lucky.
We don't have to hang out.
Hey, um,
let's get this dinner rolling.
Kyle and I have plans
with friends later.
Hi.
Hey.
[ Door closes ]
Ooh!
Salami, mortadella,
provolone --
that looks like
your happy sandwich.
Yeah.
Be a lot happier if somebody
had remembered to buy mustard.
But I did buy you dinner.
So why are you
having a sandwich?
I told you --
I'm going over to Joe's.
We're gonna put a 428
in his GTO.
Well,
if all that car gibberish
means I don't
have to make dinner,
then whoo-hoo!
You're having
the happy sandwich.
Does that mean things went well
at Outdoor Man?
Yeah, Eve's back
among the living.
You know,
we sell guns and ammo,
but Outdoor Man
is a place of healing.
Thank god.
It's hard
to feel like a good mom
when your kid
spends all day in her bathrobe
eating breakfast
out of her pockets.
Well, she's back
to her old self.
She's having so much fun
at work, I let her stay late.
Chuck's bringing her home
right now.
Well, thank you, Mike.
Maybe now I can get Eve to
sit down and pick out a college.
Hey, Evie.
Good evening, people.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, Evie.
How was work?
Great.
On lunch break, I won 8 bucks
shooting dice with Felipe.
You won 8 bucks?
Go get me some mustard.
Joe was actually
really helpful.
He gave me a ton of advice
on college.
Oh, that's nice.
Where did Joe go to college?
He didn't.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
And I'm not going to,
either.
I'm gonna be a mechanic.
[ Laughs nervously ]
Uh-oh.
♪♪
Mike, I don't care
what this Joe says.
She is not gonna be a mechanic.
She is going to college.
She's a little lost
right now.
She's just jumping at
the first thing that came along.
Lucky I didn't take her
to a men's club.
[ Laughs ]
We need
to go talk to her!
No, no, no, no.
Wait.
It took her two weeks
to get off the couch.
Let's not do anything to put her
back on the couch, honey.
Oh, so we can't talk
to Eve,
but Joe's gonna have her ear
for eight hours tomorrow.
I'm sure
that'll turn out well.
All right, all right,
tonight, when I go over there,
I'll talk to Joe
and tell him
to keep his opinions to himself,
and I'll do that
while I've got the engine
on a hoist right over his head.
♪♪
Hey, Mike!
Hey, Joe.
Glad you're here.
Now I got somebody to bitch to
about my idiot boss.
Well,
what a coincidence,
'cause I've got an employee
who's acting like a jackass.
Is it Felipe?
Did you have a long conversation
with my daughter?
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something.
That girl
has opened my eyes
to a whole new world
of technology.
Let me show you
this video I found.
Look at this.
You see this here?
Look at this.
It's a monkey
giving a cat a bath.
I mean, it's --
how does that friendship
even start?
You know, Eve's got
quite a future ahead of her,
and what I'd like to do is let
her parents do the parenting.
W-well, what's that
supposed to mean?
She comes home
after talking to you
and doesn't want
to go to college.
She wants
to become a mechanic.
So what's the big deal, Mike?
College isn't for everybody.
You know,
that's the thing
with you pointy-headed elitists,
you know?
You're so far up
in your ivory tower,
you can't see
what's going on.
Elitist?
What tipped you off?
That I brought a sandwich
in a bag?
You know, you Ivy league guys
are all alike.
You all think
you're so great.
You know something?
I'll bet the only time
you've ever been in a tent is...
When you occupied
wall street.
I'll have you know I did
a photo shoot in the Himalayas.
Look, I slept
in the carcass of a dead goat.
Let me guess --
the goat was cashmere.
Damn it.
Yeah, it was.
My daughter's dream has
always been to go to West Point.
And just recently,
she got rejected.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I -- I didn't know that.
You know, she's real vulnerable
right now.
Obviously real vulnerable --
she's taking advice from you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mike.
I get it -- that's why
you want her to go to college,
so she can be
a big Harvard snob,
like you are.
That's right. She --
what? No! No, no.
I just want her
to go to college.
Can we get to the part where
your head is under the engine?
♪♪
Well, my "Avenger" comics
would be worth more
if I hadn't drawn devil horns
on Ultron.
He is not
a nice person.
Technically,
he's not a person.
That is no excuse
for that kind of behavior.
You know what --
they're having an exhibition
of early '30s graphic novels
at the museum.
Why don't we all
go check it out?
No.
Why not?
I thought you wanted to spend
more time with your sister.
Mm, yeah,
then I found out
that she doesn't want
to hang out with me,
so enjoy
your cartoon talk now,
because this is
a one-and-done.
Uh, hey, do you want to see
my Captain America shield?
Uh, do you want to see the biggest
smile you've ever seen in your life?
Okay. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
[ Scoffs ] You didn't.
I feel the same way.
The only reason we had you over
is because Ryan made me.
I was gonna, like, fake the flu
to try to get out of it, so...
See?
We're on the same page.
[ Scoffs ]
I was kidding.
I was really
looking forward to this.
What is so terrible
about spending time with me?
[ Chuckling ] Nothing.
Although, all this yelling at me
isn't superduper fun.
When you were little,
we used to do
a lot of things together.
I know,
and then you had a kid
and you thought
it suddenly made you a mom.
Yeah, it kind of did.
Yeah, but not my mom.
You were always all,
"be responsible. Be careful.
Put your shirt
back on."
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry
I tried so hard
to keep you from making mistakes
all of those years.
Hey.
I forgive you.
You know what? Just -- just go
have fun with your friends.
Thanks. We will.
Ohh!
And dinner was delish.
Thank you so much
for wrapping it up by 8:00.
Hey, Kyle!
Let's go!
Ryan said I could wear this
for the rest of the night!
Okay.
Just in the car.
♪♪
Hi, dad.
It's "Mr. Baxter."
Um, I'm gonna go
down to the garage.
Joe says
he's gonna teach me
how to heat a can of beans
on a engine block.
Oh, great --
a mechanic and a hobo.
No wonder you like
spending time with him.
Actually, I don't want you
going down there today.
I want you to spend some time
up here in accounting.
Why? I already know
what I want to do.
I'm gonna be a mechanic.
I want you to experience a lot
of different things, honey.
Yeah, but accounting?
Yeah. Accountants are like
the mechanics of numbers.
Yeah, but the nerds
of everything else.
I bet none of them
know how to tune an engine.
You don't know
how to tune an engine.
Well, so I'll learn.
You've been down in
my service center for one day.
What's your sudden fascination
becoming a mechanic?
Well, because
it just makes sense, okay?
It's simple -- something's
broken, and you fix it.
You don't understand,
dad.
Oh, I think I do.
♪♪
Hey, Eve. Eve.
Don't worry. I'll go down
to accounting in a second.
Unless you've decided to send me
someplace even more boring.
I don't think
such a place exists.
Wait a minute.
What is this? What is this?
Is this
one of those bombs
you got to try to dismantle
with the fuse?
I got a ticking clock.
Is it the blue wire? Is it the red wire?
I don't know!
At the last minute, it goes
right down, and you click --
it didn't blow up.
Why not?
Because I'm tom cruise
and I got six more
of these movies to do.
That's why.
It's the alternator
from the atv.
Joe said it's shot.
He went to go get another one.
Yeah? Why don't you just use
the one out of the snowmobile?
Um, because it's from the atv.
That part wouldn't work.
Works
in the snowmobile.
Yeah, well, you can't
just pull a part off one machine
and use it
to fix a different machine.
And you can't just a pull a part
off somebody's else life
to make your life work,
either.
Clever.
It's a metaphor.
I learned about that
in college.
[ Scoffs ]
All right. Fine.
I give up.
I won't be a mechanic.
I'll go to college.
Whatever
makes you guys happy.
It's not about
making us happy.
You know
what this is really about?
Making you happy.
Hey, what brings you
to the service area,
professor elbow patch?
I'm having a conversation
with my daughter.
Give us just a minute.
Listen, it's about
making you happy --
dad, what if I never find
something in my life
that means as much
as West Point did?
Whoa,
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Let me step in here a minute.
I got some pull with the kid.
Do you?
Sure. Let me go
check on the beans.
Check on the beans,
yeah.
Look, I didn't always want
to be a mechanic, okay?
When I was growing up, I had
a whole different set of dreams.
Yeah, but, Joe,
we can't all be ballerinas.
No, I...
I wanted to be
a comedian.
You would have had better luck
being a ballerina, pal.
Anyway, I quit my job.
I drove to Denver.
I started bugging the club owner
to give me stage time.
Were you any good?
I-I think I was
too hip for the room.
What does that mean?
He sucked!
Anyway, I couldn't get
any stage time,
but the owner had this crappy
'65 Chevelle that didn't run,
so he paid me
to work on it.
Next thing you know, other guys
are bringing me their cars,
and in five years,
I had my own shop.
Huh.
That's a cool story.
That's a good story.
It's life, actually.
Sometimes, the things
you're meant to do find you.
[ Sighs ] All right.
So maybe I give
the accounting department a day
just to cross that
off the list.
You might be surprised.
They're pretty cool up there.
Sometimes,
they round up to a zero.
I've been up there.
That place is full of zeroes.
You know,
you are too hip for the room.
Yeah.
Well, uh, thanks.
I'll see you
at lunch, Joe.
Okay.
Hey, wait, wait.
You actually
wanted to be a comedian?
Then what's the job you get
after that?
Like, a talk show host?
Sure. Why not?
You get to talk
to beautiful women,
you sit behind a desk,
and you work, what,
an hour a day?
You're right.
That's some kind of job.
You'd have to be an idiot
to walk away
from that kind of job.
Still better than being stuck
on some stupid sitcom.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Hi.
[ Imitates laser fire ]
Oh. Okay.
What are you doing here?
I mean, I know
we didn't have dinner plans
'cause we're never
doing that again.
Come on.
You and me are going out.
What are you doing?
Something fun,
with my sister.
Look, Ryan told Kyle
and Kyle told me
that you were upset.
There was a lot
of "Marvel vs. DC" talk,
but I got the picture.
It's 8:00.
I can't --
oh, my god.
It's so early.
[ Laughs ]
Holla!
Okay. Rule 1 --
you can't say "holla!"
Oh.
So now you have rules.
Just that one.
And you have to be willing
to get a little crazy.
More importantly,
don't freak out
if I get a little crazy.
Can you handle that?
[ Laughs ]
Yes.
You know,
we're both adults now, so...
Oh, but I have to stop
and get some cash first.
Second rule -- Mandy
and her hot friend never pay.
I'm your hot friend?
Try to act
like you've been there before.
Now, let's go find a cute top
to go with those mom jeans, eh?
Hey!
Come on.
♪♪
Hey, there.
How was accounting?
Learn anything?
Uh, don't shoot dice
with them.
Those guys are sharp.
When did my store
turn into a casino?
Look, I know
you guys have been anxious
for me to make a decision
about college,
so, uh,
I've been thinking.
Yeah?
Did you make a choice?
I did.
I'd like to take
some time off
to figure out
what I want to do with my life.
[ Sighs ]
Eve, I just --
I just think that's a waste of time.
No, it's not.
I want to try different jobs,
do different things,
see if there's something good
that finds me.
Mike?
I think
it's a good idea.
You do?!
I think if you search,
you're gonna find
that you're good
at a lot of things.
I hope.
Calm down. Calm down.
Honey, honey. Come on.
She's in a weird place.
Give her some time.
She'll come around.
I hope so.
"Take some time off"?
It's only our child
and her future.
Vanessa, if you'll recall,
I took a year off.
Yeah. And just think
of what you might have become.
♪♪
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
People often ask me,
say, "hey, Mike.
What are you hoping to find
out there in the wild?"
Maybe just a quiet place
where I don't get asked
annoying questions.
You know, I think
most outdoor types
are continuing the lifelong
search for who we really are.
And let me tell you --
if you think you've figured out
who you are as a teenager,
you might end up being
a teenager your whole life.
You know,
and I've met those guys.
They keep telling me about
their fantasy football team.
I don't care!
Nobody cares!
I've always been more interested
in late bloomers --
you know, the searchers.
Harland Sanders
kicked around Kentucky
pumping gas
and selling insurance
till he opened
his chicken restaurant at 65
and promptly promoted himself
to colonel.
Because let's face it --
no one's buying a bucket
of chicken from private Sanders.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
didn't write
"Little House on the Prairie"
until she, too, was in her 60s.
You know what she was doing
before that?
Trying to stay alive
on the prairie.
Even in the Bible,
Abraham didn't get that
divine facetime call from god
until he was 75.
But he moved his people
to canaan
and fathered children with both
his wife and his housekeeper.
Boy, simpler times, huh?
So, if you're a young person
who's not exactly sure
where life is taking you,
that's okay.
You know, we can't all be
Barack Obama
and have our first job
be president.
Ah, here she is --
my beautiful daughter,
up and ready to explore
this wonderful day!
Mom, I swear, if you keep up
with this fake-happy crap,
I'm gonna lock myself
in my room.
Did you hear that,
muffin?
She's not very happy.
"What?
Maybe if I lick her face,
that'll help."
Oh, muffin,
you always know what to do!
[ Smooching ]
Ugh! Even the dog
is embarrassed.
[ Sighs ]
Eve, you know something?
I know you're upset about
not getting into West Point,
but you can always
reapply.
Oh, yes,
because it felt so good
when they told me
they didn't want me,
I just want them to say it
again and again and again.
Hey, look
at the bright side.
You got into a lot
of other really great colleges.
Right, so why
can't I just move on?
I mean, if dad had
turned you down for marriage,
I'm sure there were
plenty of other losers
you would have loved
to spend your life with, right?
I don't know what
your father's been telling you,
but he asked me.
So your life's been perfect.
Congratulations.
Come on, come on, honey.
It's winter break!
Don't you want to get out
of the house and do something?
Mm, nope, I'm good.
The shows may change,
but the butt placement
will stay the same.
Mm.
Wha--
wow. The weirdest thing
just happened.
A bird flew in
and took your doughnut.
All these crumbs you see
are a result of the struggle.
I'm worried about Eve.
Ah.
You know, she hasn't
snapped out of her funk,
and she just sits in there
on the couch all day.
The deadlines for the colleges
she did get into
are coming up
really fast.
So you think
it's time I stepped in.
Well, I think
we should talk about it,
come up with a plan,
and then --
I got this.
Well, honey, wait --
uh, just...
Be gentle, okay?
She's really fragile
right now.
Honey, you know me.
Okay.
Eve. Eve, get your ass
off the couch.
You're going to work
with me.
What?
Yeah. Your mom's tired
of you moping. So am I.
Either get ready right now
or I'm taking you in your pjs.
Let's go. Come on. I'm not gonna
go to work with you, dad.
Okay, fine.
That's a good choice.
Get some duct tape,
I'll get a hand truck. Let's go.
All right, all right, all right.
Fine, fine, fine.
Can I at least finish
the cheerios in my robe pocket?
Okay, fine!
I'll go, but I'm not gonna
do anything or talk to anybody.
That's my job.
You got to work up to that.
Go on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go!
I got to get going here!
That was gentle?
Honey, you knew
what you were getting into
when you asked me
to marry you.
I --
-- captions by Vitac --
♪♪
Okay, I came to work with you.
Can I leave now?
With that attitude,
you'll fit right in around here.
What are we doing
in the service center?
Looking for my newest
and least favorite employee.
Hope you're not talking
about me.
Hey, Eve.
Hi, Mr. Leonard.
Well,
what brings you here?
It's "bring your pain-in-
the ass-daughter to work" day.
When I'm sad, that's the kind
of stuff my dad says to me.
Listen, I'm not getting
any repair reports upstairs,
so I can't get reimbursement
from the manufacturers
for the warranty work.
Are you using the iPad?
You mean that fancy
etch a sketch thing?
Yeah, the $700
etch a sketch thing.
When I hired you
to fill in,
you said you knew
how to use one of these.
I do.
Right.
Makes a great coaster.
It also makes
a good camera.
You take a picture
of the repairs you're doing,
then you send one up
to the server and cc it to me.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down,
Harry Potter, huh?
I got a better idea.
Why don't I bring my camera to work?
Okay.
I'll take a picture of the job.
Oh, good. Yeah.
I'll go down the drugstore.
Right.
I'll get the picture
developed.
I come back here, I take my pen,
I fill out the report.
What could be simpler
than that?
Using the iPad.
Is this how
he motivates people?
Eh, he's pretty much
all stick and no carrot.
Know what I mean?
You know,
I like this kid.
Good.
Why don't you keep her?
Listen, as a matter of fact,
Eve, I got a job for you.
I want you to teach Joe here
how to use this coaster.
Aw, come on.
Don't make the kid do that.
Wouldn't you rather
be at the roller rink
or maybe
at the malt shop?
[ Vocalizing ]
Uh...No.
I've got time.
Archie and Jughead
are busy, anyway.
Listen,
from now on, Joe,
my daughter's
gonna be your gal Friday.
It's, like,
an 80-year-old reference.
I'm sure you'll understand it,
all right?
Okay, look,
so, here's what you got to do.
[ Scoffs ]
You just
press this button...
[ Camera clicks ] And
there's your picture.
It sounds complicated.
How do you get through life
not knowing this stuff?
Quite well, thank you.
You know, I like life simple.
That's why I'm a mechanic.
Look --
something's broke,
you work on it, you fix it,
and at the end of the day,
you felt like
you've done something.
Yeah, well,
if you take a picture of it,
at the end of the day,
you'll have a job.
All right,
look, I'll give it a try.
Look,
I'll tell you what --
you taught me something.
I'm gonna teach you something.
You know the candy machine
in the hall? Yeah.
You tip it all the way to right,
free kit kats.
Want me to show you?
Hellz yeah!
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Hey, babe.
You know,
I'm feeling really sick.
I probably shouldn't have dinner
with Kyle and Mandy tonight.
Stupid flu, you know?
[ Chuckles ]
Well, that's how
you're gonna fake being sick?
Those acting classes
at the community center
are not paying off.
Come on.
Mandy is my sister, okay?
I want the four of us
to be close.
Can't you just do stuff
with her?
I mean, I like Kyle,
but we have nothing in common.
At least your dad
gives me material
for the message boards
on huffington post.
[ Knock on door ]
Look, I think
Kyle's in this family to stay,
so it would be great if you found
some way to connect with him.
[ Scoffs ] You know what?
You're right.
This is important to you,
so I will try hard.
Thank you.
[ Laughs ]
Those acting classes
are paying off.
Hey. Come on in.
Thanks. And as good guests,
we brought you guys a gift.
Kristin: Ooh!
Oh, my god.
That's "steel angel", volume 1.
This is a classic.
Uh, actually,
the wine is the gift.
Brought this to read
in case I got bored.
I didn't know
you liked comic books, Kyle.
[ Chuckles ]
Both: "Graphic novels."
You know, I love
how the characters
grapple with the dilemma
of vigilantism
in a nonlinear format.
Yeah. And I love
how they can pick up cars.
Hey, I've got Frank Miller's
"Dark Knight Returns" set
bagged and boarded.
Do you want to see it?
Can I?
Go.
I, uh, didn't know
Ryan was a comic book nerd, too.
Yeah, I didn't, either,
until after the wedding.
Hey, I'm glad that they found
something that they both like.
It'll make it easier
for us to hang out more.
More? Oh, I thought
this was a one-and-done.
Cheers.
What are you talking about?
W-we're sisters.
Yeah! We're lucky.
We don't have to hang out.
Hey, um,
let's get this dinner rolling.
Kyle and I have plans
with friends later.
Hi.
Hey.
[ Door closes ]
Ooh!
Salami, mortadella,
provolone --
that looks like
your happy sandwich.
Yeah.
Be a lot happier if somebody
had remembered to buy mustard.
But I did buy you dinner.
So why are you
having a sandwich?
I told you --
I'm going over to Joe's.
We're gonna put a 428
in his GTO.
Well,
if all that car gibberish
means I don't
have to make dinner,
then whoo-hoo!
You're having
the happy sandwich.
Does that mean things went well
at Outdoor Man?
Yeah, Eve's back
among the living.
You know,
we sell guns and ammo,
but Outdoor Man
is a place of healing.
Thank god.
It's hard
to feel like a good mom
when your kid
spends all day in her bathrobe
eating breakfast
out of her pockets.
Well, she's back
to her old self.
She's having so much fun
at work, I let her stay late.
Chuck's bringing her home
right now.
Well, thank you, Mike.
Maybe now I can get Eve to
sit down and pick out a college.
Hey, Evie.
Good evening, people.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, Evie.
How was work?
Great.
On lunch break, I won 8 bucks
shooting dice with Felipe.
You won 8 bucks?
Go get me some mustard.
Joe was actually
really helpful.
He gave me a ton of advice
on college.
Oh, that's nice.
Where did Joe go to college?
He didn't.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
And I'm not going to,
either.
I'm gonna be a mechanic.
[ Laughs nervously ]
Uh-oh.
♪♪
Mike, I don't care
what this Joe says.
She is not gonna be a mechanic.
She is going to college.
She's a little lost
right now.
She's just jumping at
the first thing that came along.
Lucky I didn't take her
to a men's club.
[ Laughs ]
We need
to go talk to her!
No, no, no, no.
Wait.
It took her two weeks
to get off the couch.
Let's not do anything to put her
back on the couch, honey.
Oh, so we can't talk
to Eve,
but Joe's gonna have her ear
for eight hours tomorrow.
I'm sure
that'll turn out well.
All right, all right,
tonight, when I go over there,
I'll talk to Joe
and tell him
to keep his opinions to himself,
and I'll do that
while I've got the engine
on a hoist right over his head.
♪♪
Hey, Mike!
Hey, Joe.
Glad you're here.
Now I got somebody to bitch to
about my idiot boss.
Well,
what a coincidence,
'cause I've got an employee
who's acting like a jackass.
Is it Felipe?
Did you have a long conversation
with my daughter?
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you something.
That girl
has opened my eyes
to a whole new world
of technology.
Let me show you
this video I found.
Look at this.
You see this here?
Look at this.
It's a monkey
giving a cat a bath.
I mean, it's --
how does that friendship
even start?
You know, Eve's got
quite a future ahead of her,
and what I'd like to do is let
her parents do the parenting.
W-well, what's that
supposed to mean?
She comes home
after talking to you
and doesn't want
to go to college.
She wants
to become a mechanic.
So what's the big deal, Mike?
College isn't for everybody.
You know,
that's the thing
with you pointy-headed elitists,
you know?
You're so far up
in your ivory tower,
you can't see
what's going on.
Elitist?
What tipped you off?
That I brought a sandwich
in a bag?
You know, you Ivy league guys
are all alike.
You all think
you're so great.
You know something?
I'll bet the only time
you've ever been in a tent is...
When you occupied
wall street.
I'll have you know I did
a photo shoot in the Himalayas.
Look, I slept
in the carcass of a dead goat.
Let me guess --
the goat was cashmere.
Damn it.
Yeah, it was.
My daughter's dream has
always been to go to West Point.
And just recently,
she got rejected.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I -- I didn't know that.
You know, she's real vulnerable
right now.
Obviously real vulnerable --
she's taking advice from you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mike.
I get it -- that's why
you want her to go to college,
so she can be
a big Harvard snob,
like you are.
That's right. She --
what? No! No, no.
I just want her
to go to college.
Can we get to the part where
your head is under the engine?
♪♪
Well, my "Avenger" comics
would be worth more
if I hadn't drawn devil horns
on Ultron.
He is not
a nice person.
Technically,
he's not a person.
That is no excuse
for that kind of behavior.
You know what --
they're having an exhibition
of early '30s graphic novels
at the museum.
Why don't we all
go check it out?
No.
Why not?
I thought you wanted to spend
more time with your sister.
Mm, yeah,
then I found out
that she doesn't want
to hang out with me,
so enjoy
your cartoon talk now,
because this is
a one-and-done.
Uh, hey, do you want to see
my Captain America shield?
Uh, do you want to see the biggest
smile you've ever seen in your life?
Okay. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.
[ Scoffs ] You didn't.
I feel the same way.
The only reason we had you over
is because Ryan made me.
I was gonna, like, fake the flu
to try to get out of it, so...
See?
We're on the same page.
[ Scoffs ]
I was kidding.
I was really
looking forward to this.
What is so terrible
about spending time with me?
[ Chuckling ] Nothing.
Although, all this yelling at me
isn't superduper fun.
When you were little,
we used to do
a lot of things together.
I know,
and then you had a kid
and you thought
it suddenly made you a mom.
Yeah, it kind of did.
Yeah, but not my mom.
You were always all,
"be responsible. Be careful.
Put your shirt
back on."
Okay, fine.
I'm sorry
I tried so hard
to keep you from making mistakes
all of those years.
Hey.
I forgive you.
You know what? Just -- just go
have fun with your friends.
Thanks. We will.
Ohh!
And dinner was delish.
Thank you so much
for wrapping it up by 8:00.
Hey, Kyle!
Let's go!
Ryan said I could wear this
for the rest of the night!
Okay.
Just in the car.
♪♪
Hi, dad.
It's "Mr. Baxter."
Um, I'm gonna go
down to the garage.
Joe says
he's gonna teach me
how to heat a can of beans
on a engine block.
Oh, great --
a mechanic and a hobo.
No wonder you like
spending time with him.
Actually, I don't want you
going down there today.
I want you to spend some time
up here in accounting.
Why? I already know
what I want to do.
I'm gonna be a mechanic.
I want you to experience a lot
of different things, honey.
Yeah, but accounting?
Yeah. Accountants are like
the mechanics of numbers.
Yeah, but the nerds
of everything else.
I bet none of them
know how to tune an engine.
You don't know
how to tune an engine.
Well, so I'll learn.
You've been down in
my service center for one day.
What's your sudden fascination
becoming a mechanic?
Well, because
it just makes sense, okay?
It's simple -- something's
broken, and you fix it.
You don't understand,
dad.
Oh, I think I do.
♪♪
Hey, Eve. Eve.
Don't worry. I'll go down
to accounting in a second.
Unless you've decided to send me
someplace even more boring.
I don't think
such a place exists.
Wait a minute.
What is this? What is this?
Is this
one of those bombs
you got to try to dismantle
with the fuse?
I got a ticking clock.
Is it the blue wire? Is it the red wire?
I don't know!
At the last minute, it goes
right down, and you click --
it didn't blow up.
Why not?
Because I'm tom cruise
and I got six more
of these movies to do.
That's why.
It's the alternator
from the atv.
Joe said it's shot.
He went to go get another one.
Yeah? Why don't you just use
the one out of the snowmobile?
Um, because it's from the atv.
That part wouldn't work.
Works
in the snowmobile.
Yeah, well, you can't
just pull a part off one machine
and use it
to fix a different machine.
And you can't just a pull a part
off somebody's else life
to make your life work,
either.
Clever.
It's a metaphor.
I learned about that
in college.
[ Scoffs ]
All right. Fine.
I give up.
I won't be a mechanic.
I'll go to college.
Whatever
makes you guys happy.
It's not about
making us happy.
You know
what this is really about?
Making you happy.
Hey, what brings you
to the service area,
professor elbow patch?
I'm having a conversation
with my daughter.
Give us just a minute.
Listen, it's about
making you happy --
dad, what if I never find
something in my life
that means as much
as West Point did?
Whoa,
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Let me step in here a minute.
I got some pull with the kid.
Do you?
Sure. Let me go
check on the beans.
Check on the beans,
yeah.
Look, I didn't always want
to be a mechanic, okay?
When I was growing up, I had
a whole different set of dreams.
Yeah, but, Joe,
we can't all be ballerinas.
No, I...
I wanted to be
a comedian.
You would have had better luck
being a ballerina, pal.
Anyway, I quit my job.
I drove to Denver.
I started bugging the club owner
to give me stage time.
Were you any good?
I-I think I was
too hip for the room.
What does that mean?
He sucked!
Anyway, I couldn't get
any stage time,
but the owner had this crappy
'65 Chevelle that didn't run,
so he paid me
to work on it.
Next thing you know, other guys
are bringing me their cars,
and in five years,
I had my own shop.
Huh.
That's a cool story.
That's a good story.
It's life, actually.
Sometimes, the things
you're meant to do find you.
[ Sighs ] All right.
So maybe I give
the accounting department a day
just to cross that
off the list.
You might be surprised.
They're pretty cool up there.
Sometimes,
they round up to a zero.
I've been up there.
That place is full of zeroes.
You know,
you are too hip for the room.
Yeah.
Well, uh, thanks.
I'll see you
at lunch, Joe.
Okay.
Hey, wait, wait.
You actually
wanted to be a comedian?
Then what's the job you get
after that?
Like, a talk show host?
Sure. Why not?
You get to talk
to beautiful women,
you sit behind a desk,
and you work, what,
an hour a day?
You're right.
That's some kind of job.
You'd have to be an idiot
to walk away
from that kind of job.
Still better than being stuck
on some stupid sitcom.
♪♪
[ Knock on door ]
Hi.
[ Imitates laser fire ]
Oh. Okay.
What are you doing here?
I mean, I know
we didn't have dinner plans
'cause we're never
doing that again.
Come on.
You and me are going out.
What are you doing?
Something fun,
with my sister.
Look, Ryan told Kyle
and Kyle told me
that you were upset.
There was a lot
of "Marvel vs. DC" talk,
but I got the picture.
It's 8:00.
I can't --
oh, my god.
It's so early.
[ Laughs ]
Holla!
Okay. Rule 1 --
you can't say "holla!"
Oh.
So now you have rules.
Just that one.
And you have to be willing
to get a little crazy.
More importantly,
don't freak out
if I get a little crazy.
Can you handle that?
[ Laughs ]
Yes.
You know,
we're both adults now, so...
Oh, but I have to stop
and get some cash first.
Second rule -- Mandy
and her hot friend never pay.
I'm your hot friend?
Try to act
like you've been there before.
Now, let's go find a cute top
to go with those mom jeans, eh?
Hey!
Come on.
♪♪
Hey, there.
How was accounting?
Learn anything?
Uh, don't shoot dice
with them.
Those guys are sharp.
When did my store
turn into a casino?
Look, I know
you guys have been anxious
for me to make a decision
about college,
so, uh,
I've been thinking.
Yeah?
Did you make a choice?
I did.
I'd like to take
some time off
to figure out
what I want to do with my life.
[ Sighs ]
Eve, I just --
I just think that's a waste of time.
No, it's not.
I want to try different jobs,
do different things,
see if there's something good
that finds me.
Mike?
I think
it's a good idea.
You do?!
I think if you search,
you're gonna find
that you're good
at a lot of things.
I hope.
Calm down. Calm down.
Honey, honey. Come on.
She's in a weird place.
Give her some time.
She'll come around.
I hope so.
"Take some time off"?
It's only our child
and her future.
Vanessa, if you'll recall,
I took a year off.
Yeah. And just think
of what you might have become.
♪♪
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
People often ask me,
say, "hey, Mike.
What are you hoping to find
out there in the wild?"
Maybe just a quiet place
where I don't get asked
annoying questions.
You know, I think
most outdoor types
are continuing the lifelong
search for who we really are.
And let me tell you --
if you think you've figured out
who you are as a teenager,
you might end up being
a teenager your whole life.
You know,
and I've met those guys.
They keep telling me about
their fantasy football team.
I don't care!
Nobody cares!
I've always been more interested
in late bloomers --
you know, the searchers.
Harland Sanders
kicked around Kentucky
pumping gas
and selling insurance
till he opened
his chicken restaurant at 65
and promptly promoted himself
to colonel.
Because let's face it --
no one's buying a bucket
of chicken from private Sanders.
Laura Ingalls Wilder
didn't write
"Little House on the Prairie"
until she, too, was in her 60s.
You know what she was doing
before that?
Trying to stay alive
on the prairie.
Even in the Bible,
Abraham didn't get that
divine facetime call from god
until he was 75.
But he moved his people
to canaan
and fathered children with both
his wife and his housekeeper.
Boy, simpler times, huh?
So, if you're a young person
who's not exactly sure
where life is taking you,
that's okay.
You know, we can't all be
Barack Obama
and have our first job
be president.