Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Polar Run - full transcript

You're so lucky you get to be
in junior G.I. Joes.

Once a week,
you don't have to think

about what you're gonna wear,
putting on makeup.

You get to go,
"Today, I'm a dude."

And you're lucky I don't want
to get blood on my uniform.

Come on!
Come on, no kitchen violence.

I haven't even had
any coffee yet.

Okay, there we go.
All right. Go on.

Ooh! (sighs)
Hey, where were you?

(laughs)
Training for the Polar Run.

Ah, the Polar Run.



A thousand people
chasing five Kenyans

through the streets
of Denver.

The Kenyans always win,
but the good news is my team,

the Michigan Wolver-Runners,
always beats your mom's team.

The Ohio State University...

Runners.

Who have lost the race
ever since we started.

(laughs)

How did this stupid rivalry
even get started?

Well,
your dad and I had

some of our alumni friends
over one year

to watch the Michigan/
Ohio State football game.

Ohio State crowd came over,
and they were amazed

we had one of those
talking picture boxes.



Oh, oh, oh, and -- and Michigan
actually won that year.

That's right. Yeah, so you
know it was a while ago.

Ouch.

Anyway, uh, the Polar Run
was the next day,

so we decided to make it
a friendly competition --

Michigan alums
versus Ohio State alums --

and it's been a tradition
ever since.

I'm surprised you don't do
the Polar Run, Eve.

You never miss a chance
to do something sweaty.

Well, in ROT-C,

we run for God and country,
not a plastic trophy

of a polar bear
giving me a thumbs up.

Buh-bye!

Bye.
Bye-bye.

You know, Mike,

this might be the year we
finally beat you. Yeah.

(door opens) Team Ohio
State has been working out,

and you have not been training at all.
(door closes)

I should work my arms out
a little bit.

God knows I'll be doing
high-fiving at the finish line.

You are so cute
when you're overconfident.

Overconfident?
Yep.

You know our star runner, right?
Mm-hmm.

Former college track star
Cathy Thomas?

5'5," brown hair --

kind of a blur as she speeds
by you to the finish line?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember.
But admit it,

if it wasn't for Cathy, you guys
would never win, so, no.

Okay, I admit it,
but we have her,

we are gonna win,
and I'm okay with that.

All right,
I'll tell you what,

let's make this year's race
a little more interesting.

Oh, do tell. Yeah, go ahead.
Okay? Yeah, yeah.

Winner picks
our next vacation.

Done deal.
You win, we go rafting.

Let's go rafting.
I win...

we go to New York
to see Hamilton on Broadway.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Revolutionary War heroes
doing hip-hop,

and nobody stopped that?

All right,
let's go rafting.

(chuckles)
Done deal.

(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.

It's probably Cathy now.
Oh.

She said she'd come by
to drop off the race packets.

Ask her if she wants to come in
and rest her feet.

Why, because they're smoking
from the run over?

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Hey.

Ah, hi, Cathy.

Oh, did I forget to mention
that Cathy's pregnant...

with twins?

Congratulations.

Got to use your bathroom.

Okay, sure you do.

-Go, Wolver-Runners!
-Yeah.

Ooh, yeah.

Ho. Well, it looks like somebody
finally caught her.

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

Hey, honey.
Hey, Mike.

Quick question --
Midtown or SoHo?

Well, uh, quicker question --
What?

(chuckles)

When we go to New York
to see Hamilton,

where do you want to stay?

You know, I still intend
on winning this race.

Mm, yeah. Well,
without Cathy Thomas, how?

Hey, uh, Eve?

EVE: In here!

How fast could you run a 5K
without a backpack or boots?

Well, that depends.

Am I just trying to win
or make people cry?

What do you think
you're doing?

Hold on a second.
Listen.

How would you like to help me
kick your mom's ass

by racing for Team Michigan
on Saturday?

Sure.
Why not?

Wait. Hold it. Wait.
That -- That is cheating.

She cannot run for your team.
She's not an alum.

But she got
an acceptance package

from the University of Michigan,

so she's like a --
a pre-alum, right?

Dad,
I'm not going to Michigan.

I'm going to West Point.
I know.

And we couldn't be
more proud of that,

but she was accepted by U of M,

and according to the bylaws
of this race,

which I'm making up
as I go along...

You are.
...she could race for my team

on Saturday, right?

Uh, well, what if I want her
to run for my team?

I mean, she'll probably also
be accepted to Ohio State.

Well, of course she'll
be accepted to Ohio State.

She's got a pulse.

Oh, my God.

The point is, she hasn't been
accepted to Ohio State yet.

Eve, have you checked
the website lately?

Log on. Maybe you got in.
Don't -- No, no, no, no.

If she were accepted, she'd have
a packet of some sort.

I don't see a packet.

You see a packet?
Here, packet, packet, packet.

W-- No.
I'm gonna go check the mail.

I'm gonna check the mail
right now.

There's nothing
in the mail.

You'll just make something up.
I'm checking.

No!
Listen, you said "yes."

We're gonna do this.
Don't go to the computer!

Wow. Dad really wants you
to run for his team.

I know.
If they ever lost,

Mom would never let him
hear the end of it.

Exactly.

Dad's desperate,
and you've got all the leverage.

You need to work this out

so you can get something
out of it.

Like what?
I don't need anything.

Says the girl with the phone
from the Obama administration.

Ha!

I mean the first one.

And, like, early.

Your phone is old!
Geez.

♪♪

Enjoy.

Ed hasn't gotten out
of his meeting yet?

Y-You've been here
for hours.

It's okay.
I'm used to waiting.

This store
is Eddie's first love.

I'm just his mistress.

That's not true.

(laughing) It's okay.
I don't mind.

Mistresses are hotter.

That's right, store.
I said it.

Oh.

A thousand apologies.

Have you ordered yet,
my dear?

(chuckling) Yes, Ed.
I ordered. I ate.

I went up and down the rock wall
a couple times to work it off.

I'm good.

I was on the phone
the whole time

with our lantern distributor.

Ironically,
he's not too bright.

Ed, you promised that this time,
it was gonna be different,

and yet,
here we are again --

You're spending
all your time at work.

I know, I know.

So let's not waste the precious
moments that we have.

Let's order some wine
and have a bite.

Uh, actually, the --
the kitchen's already closed...

is something I might say
if you weren't my boss.

(chuckles)

Uh, let me scrape
something up for you.

Oh, that's --
that's delightful,

and I-I think you've just found
our new ad campaign.

Oh, uh, I forgot to mention,
Sheila quit today.

Our hostess?
Yeah.

Well, did she give notice?

Mm, kind of.

She was like, "I just won
three grand on a scratcher.

I'm out, losers."

So I'm gonna start looking
for a new one tomorrow.

All right.
Wait a minute.

Wait, now.
How about Wendi?

What?

What? Me?

Mm-hmm. You've been looking
for something to do.

Well...
Hmm?

...Jason is away at college,

and my house is awfully quiet
since my parrot escaped.

Mm-hmm. I see.

That way, we'll be able
to see each other more often.

Well, that sounds good.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, I-I can't
just hire her.

I would
have to interview her

and make sure
she's qualified.

Can you walk and carry menus
at the same time?

Yes.

She's qualified.

There's a little more to it
than that.

Yeah, you're right.
There really isn't.

Uh, you're hired!

♪♪

I'm sorry, but my client is not
going to run five entire "K"

for a pair of used earbuds
you found in the junk drawer.

They're not junk.
They work perfectly fine.

I used to wear them
to all your school plays.

Couldn't hear a thing.

Well, if you don't
up your offer, I'll walk.

I mean it -- I'll participate
in the race, but I'll walk.

You already made a promise.

Is this a new thing for you --
breaking promises?

Don't answer that.
(inhales deeply)

I think this is an opportunity
for everyone to win.

Okay, okay, okay.
How about this?

I'll throw this in.
What is this?

This is a $20 gift card
to the local cineplex,

which means
you can go to a movie

while a friend stays outside
and enjoys a small Sprite.

Ohh.

We are miles apart here,
Mr. Baxter.

(laughs)

I don't think you understand.
Oh, I --

Eve can give you bragging rights
over Mom for a full year.

All right. You just can't
put a price on that.

But I can --
a new iPhone.

6s Plus.
Ohh.

Trust me --
With those sausage fingers,

you're gonna love
the big screen.

Look, you're pushing it.
My team is all you got.

The Kenyans don't need you.

The guys in the toga outfits
aren't in it to win it.

Well,
we could talk to Mom.

Well, go ahead.
Talk to Mom.

She's not eligible to race on Mom's
team according to the rules.

Which you made up.

Which are ironclad.

You know what
it seems like to me is

you two are selling shoes,

and I'm the only guy
in town with feet.

Uh, Mike,
strangest thing.

I was enjoying
this beautiful evening

by doing laundry
in the garage,

and I found this
on your workbench.

It's Eve's acceptance packet
from Ohio State.

That was supposed to be
under the bench.

Mm.
What was it doing there?

It was from Ohio State.

It belonged
with the rest of the tools.

Well,
you know what this means?

Now Eve can run
for the Ohio State University

in the Polar Run 5K.

Another pair of feet
just walked into town.

Looks like we got ourselves
a bidding war.

Do we?

I run a chain
of retail stores.

Your mom
is a public school teacher.

Let the bidding begin.

♪♪

Mom, hi.
Hey.

Uh, just got out of a meeting
with Dad.

We wrapped
our negotiation,

and, um (clicks tongue)
I have some bad news.

He matched your offer.

Why is that bad news?

It just means Eve will have to
pick the parent she likes the --

Oh, crap.

Yeah.
Dad is Eve's favorite.

But lucky for you,
you're mine.

Or you could be.

Okay, all right,
all right, all right.

Um, along with the phone
of her choice,

I will throw in
a full data plan,

headphones, designer case.

Is that in the ballpark?

Uh, we can see
the ballpark from here.

Oh, look, there it is!
It's way over there.

I can almost walk there.
(chuckles)

If only I had a pair
of nice, new boots.

You know, hang on.

Why do I suddenly feel like
I'm bribing you?

Because I'm Eve's agent.
She'll do whatever I say.

(scoffs)
Come on!

Help me help you.

Don't pretend
that's what this is.

Fine.
Help me help me.

By getting you
these boots?

Look at that!
We're at the ballpark!

All right.
All right, done.

Yes!
Good.

(laughs)

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you shaking about?

No shaking.
Stop the shaking.

Uh, Mom countered
your offer.

We already shook
on my offer.

Oh, Dad, you should know by now
I can't be trusted.

I'm buying the boots.
No, no, no, don't buy the --

I'm buying the boots!
Don't buy -- Don't pre--

Buy the boots. Buy the boots! I'm
buying -- I bought the boots!

I bought the boots!
Yes!

Whoa!
What's going on?

Oh, nothing you need
to worry about.

Just go run some more.
Your agent went rogue.

Jerry Maguire here
is showing herself the money.

All right.
Everybody, stop.

I-I know I got caught up
in all this,

but I don't like the idea
of taking a bribe to race.

That's because you haven't heard
any of the bribes yet.

It's not right.
I'm going to West Point.

I'm going to be a soldier,
and soldiers do things

without expecting
anything in return. Mm.

The patriotism card.
I love it.

(sighs) Okay. What am I bid for
this honorable warrior?

No bids, Mandy. I told Dad
I would run for free...

Good.
No. Wha--

...and I'm keeping
my word.

What? I'm sorry, Mom.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Heh.

Wait.
What just happened?

An agent's worst enemy --
integrity.

♪♪

Enjoy your meal.
Sorry for the wait.

Hi.

Wendi,
where have you been?

I had to seat
four tables.

Oh, I was upstairs
visiting my Eddie.

Uh, yeah.
It's just that, Wendi,

every time I-I walk
into the room, you're not here.

Oh, well, forgive me

for spending a little bit
of time with Mr. Alzate.

You know, the owner.
(chuckles)

You are the hostess.

This is the hostess stand.

Do you know
why they call it that?

Yeah, it's because
it's where the hostess stands.

The whole point
of me taking this job

is so I get to spend a little
more time with my boyfriend.

No, no, no.
Not the whole point.

There was a little piece
of the point

that had something to do
with you being a hostess, okay?

I might have to talk
to Mr. Alzate about this.

Oh, you should.

You should tell him
your side of the story,

and then tonight, while I am
lying next to him naked

in the glow of beeswax candles,
I'll tell him mine.

♪♪

Hey, honey?
Oh, hey.

What's wet, angry,

and looks really funny in a helmet?
What?

You on a raft trip.

This is gonna be great.

Still have to run the race,
Mike.

You have to run the race.

With Eve on my team,
I can pretty much saunter...

till I get tired.

Then I can mosey on to
the finish line. Mm.

Well, whatever happens,
I am really proud of Eve

and the way she stuck
to her principles.

Yeah,
we raised a good one there.

Three good ones.

Let's not muddy the water.
(scoffs)

Her talking about
right, wrong, and honor

was, uh,
really quite inspiring.

Yeah, it really was.

You know,
I don't know about you,

but for me, it kind of makes
our silly squabble

about this whole race
seem meaningless.

I'm not letting you
out of the bet.

Damn it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got to get dressed.

We're leaving right now.

I didn't get in.

No, no, no, honey.

Your dad registered you
for the race.

No, I didn't get in
to West Point.

I logged onto the website.
I didn't get in.

♪♪

(knock on door)

Hey.
Are you all right?

I'm fine.

You want to talk
about this?

No.

You want
some ice cream?

I'm not going
to West Point, Mom.

The whole plan
for my entire life is gone.

Ice cream isn't gonna
make me feel better.

Cake?

Let's just stop
the dessert talk, can we?

Come on. Come on.
We're Baxters.

We can get through this.

Yeah, yeah,
who's with me?

I'm not.
Nobody's with you.

And -- And please
don't ask her right now.

I just don't want her
to feel bad.

Evie, Evie, 91% of applicants
to West Point don't get in.

Is that supposed to help?

I've been beating those numbers
my whole life.

(door slams)

I know. I know.
I'm so sorry.

No, you're not, Mom.

You never wanted me
to be in the military anyway.

So, congratulations.
You got your wish.

Listen, Eve,
I know you're upset,

but please don't take this
out on your mother.

Oh, you're right, Dad.

I should be taking it
out on you.

Now you're just attacking
anybody who talks.

My whole life,

you said if I worked hard
and played by the rules

that everything would be okay.

But it's not.
It was all a lie.

Oh, no, no.
Hold on, sweetie it's --

It's all right.
It's all right.

The world doesn't work
the way you said it does.

So what the hell
am I supposed to do now?

I don't know,
but we'll think of something.

It's gonna be okay.
No, it's not.

Eve, you have
other options. It --

Mom, I really don't want
to talk about this right now.

(sighs)

Come on. Come on.

Give her some time.

♪♪

(door closes)

How could she think
I'm happy about this?

I mean, I know I was scared
for her to be a soldier,

but I would give
anything right now,

anything,
if they would let her in.

Honey,
she's just upset, okay?

Yeah, but, honey,
so are we.

I mean -- I mean I just want
to comfort her.

She won't let us
comfort her.

I just want us all
to be miserable together.

Well, that dream
is going to have to wait.

How are you
keeping it together?

I'm not
keeping it together.

I'm angry,
and I feel so helpless.

Someone's -- I feel like
they're hurting our kid.

I hate feeling
like that.

Mike,
squeezing a little tight.

So what do we do?

We don't do anything.

This is something
only time can heal.

(sighs)
This really, really sucks.

This really sucks.

(both sigh)

Maybe we could get her
a puppy.

She doesn't want a dog.

I mean,
I could use a puppy.

I'm not getting you
a puppy.

Bunny?

♪♪

(knock on door)

Ed? You --
You wanted to see me?

Yes, come in, Kristin.
Yeah.

I just want to check and see
how things are going with Wendi.

Well, uh...

Enough said.
Fire her.

Excuse me?

You heard me.
Give her the boot.

She's up here constantly.

I can't get
any work done.

I'm -- I'm sorry, Ed.

I-I don't really
feel comfortable

firing your girlfriend.

Now, look. WENDI:
Eddie, you in there?

Yes.
Come in, sweetheart.

You're right.
I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it.

What do you mean,
Wendi's not working out?

Y-You want me to fire her?

You want to fire me?

No, I-I wh--
I-I just --

She said she won't take
your crap another minute.

Kristin, is that true?

You know, I'm trying to defend
you, but she won't budge.

(scoffs)

Uh, yeah, Wendi.

Uh, it looks like
we're gonna have to let you go.

(both sigh)

Won't you give her
one more chance?

Ed...

Of course not.
Your mind is made up.

You Baxters
are stubborn people.

So, that's it?
I'm fired?

I'm sorry, darling.

We'll just gather up
your things.

I'll talk to you later.
Go ahead. All right.

I have a few choice words
that I want to share

with my restaurant manager here.
Okay.

(sighs)

That was painless.

(scoffs)
Maybe for you.

She's gonna hate me now!

Yeah, well, thank you,

but I'm the one who's gonna
have to hear about it later.

I mean, who do you think's
the real victim here?

Me, Ed.
It's still me.

♪♪

(gunfire on TV)

(remote clicks, TV shuts off)

(sighs)

(crash)

Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

What's the most painful feeling
in the world

other than sliding off the seat
of your Schwinn onto that bar?

Seeing your kids hurting

and not being able
to do anything about it.

My instinct is to try
to control everything,

you know, preferably
with a universal remote,

but there's no
fast-forward button

when your kid is suffering.

You've got to watch it
real time, like Hulu.

Now we ask God to grant us
the serenity to accept

the things we cannot change.

Then we take his name in vain

when the guy in front of us
stops short at a yellow light.

Come on. Everyone knows
yellow means punch it!

Now, accepting our powerlessness
is tough,

and it's especially brutal when
it comes to protecting our kids,

but those are the times
you have to take a deep breath,

trust in God,
and not do anything stupid.

If you're determined to do
something stupid

(chuckles) there's a difference
between drywall and a stud.

♪♪

(indistinct conversation)

(door opens)

(both laughing)

What?
I don't know.

Look who's getting along.

Ah, well, I'm glad you two
patched things up.

Yeah.
Oh, Eddie.

Women are not vindictive
and petty.

No, of course not.

That has not
been my experience at all.

So what, uh --
what brings you by?

Apparently, I don't need
a reason to come by.

That's what I told her.

I felt so awful
about what I did.

I mean, here you are,

just trying to spend some
more time with your soulmate,

and I wrecked it
by firing her.

You did what you felt
you had to do,

so let's not second-guess
this thing, all right?

I-I just -- I felt bad
because you're always talking

about how -- how lonely
this big office is.

Where you going with this?

So I told Wendi
that you guys

could actually spend
more time together

now that she's not slaving away
in the restaurant.

What is that, now?

We are gonna make this
office more like a home --

like our home,

and the first order
of business

is to get rid
of all this...stuff.

(groans, chuckles)

(sighs)
Now that was painless.