Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Gift of the Wise Man - full transcript
♪♪
Vanessa?
Vanessa.
Look at you,
down here all by yourself.
Sleeping?
(gasps)
(sighing)
What time is it?
It's like after 2:00,
honey.
We've been married so long...
(yawns)
...I can't sleep without your
elbow in the back of my neck.
-Mm.
-Come on. Let's go to bed.
No, no, no.
I can't, I can't.
Christmas is in two weeks.
Honey, I still have
a ton of shopping.
I haven't even started
the Christmas letter.
Eh, no big deal.
And I'm head
of the Nativity-scene committee
at the church.
It's not really a committee
when the other people
are made of plastic
with light bulbs in them.
You know,
when I worked at Paxon,
we took
most of December off,
but for teachers, it's
the busiest time of the year.
I mean, we got papers and
midterms and... Mm-hmm.
...(voice breaking)
setting aside time to cry
over student evaluations.
Hey, I got it.
For this year,
for your Christmas present...
(sighs)
...everybody gets an "A."
Problem solved.
I hate when you're so stressed out.
(sighs)
You love Christmas.
You're not even enjoying it.
Well,
I'll enjoy it when it's over.
I'm pretty sure
that's what Mary said
on her journey
to Bethlehem.
(chuckles)
♪♪
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
The classic poem "Twas
the Night Before Christmas"
by Clement Clarke Moore
is a holiday delight
where children dreamed
of getting sugarplums.
This is a sugarplum.
Try giving your kids
one of these for Christmas.
See how fast
it comes back to you.
Mr. Moore lived in a time
when Christmas was about
peace and joy.
Today it's about
driving yourself to exhaustion
trying to make
everything perfect --
the perfect tree,
the perfect turkey,
the perfect amount of rum
in the egg nog.
Just enough rum
to take the edge off
but not so much that Grandpa
takes a swing at his brother
for looking funny at him
in 1942.
We've forgotten
what Christmas is really about.
You know, it seems the only time
we even talk about Jesus
is to shout his name
at the jerk who stole
our parking spot at the mall.
And, please, can't we get rid
of Christmas lists?
Where's the magic in getting
exactly what you asked for?
Instead of,
"Hey, how did you know?"
It becomes, "Hey, you can read."
Better yet, let's get rid
of presents altogether.
After a few years of that,
kids will be thrilled
to get one of these
little bad boys, huh?
♪♪
Heya, Boyd.
Hi, Grandpa.
I'm working on
my Christmas list.
Yeah?
What do you got?
How do you spell "banjo"?
B-B-G-U-N.
Listen, we're gonna have
a family meeting!
Everybody downstairs!
Living room!
Come on, now!
(claps hands)
What was your favorite toy
when you were a kid?
Probably lawn darts.
Yeah. It's a big piece of steel
polished to a point,
little wings on it.
You threw it up in the air.
No one could see it, land
in that target area -- boom.
That's a gift you remember.
A lot of scars.
Lot of scars.
That sounds fun.
You didn't even need the target
in there if you had buddies.
They'd just stand
in a circle,
you'd throw it
right at them.
They don't sell them anymore.
You can't find them.
The nanny state
made them illegal.
Stupid nanny state
ruined Christmas.
Yeah.
Oh, holidays with Grandpa. Mm.
Do I need to be here
for the family meeting?
No,
but I get your vote.
I'm open to alliances, people,
so make your best offer.
Sit!
This is not a democracy.
Ugh. I started sounding like
King Obama there for a minute,
didn't I?
But it would be nice
if you looked like him.
Imagine
how fantastic I'd be
if I had inherited
that caramel complexion.
Okay!
This year, I'd like
to give your wonderful mother
the best Christmas gift ever.
A shark?!
No, no.
But at least you're
steering clear of banjos.
I want to take
the burden of Christmas
off your mom's shoulders.
Mm, she's a sturdy gal.
I think she can handle it.
You two are going to do
the Christmas newsletter.
All right, fine. But I'm not
covering for anybody.
If you sucked this year,
it's going in the letter.
And we need
the perfect person
to set up the Nativity scene
at the church -- Ryan.
What?
(scoffs)
I'm not religious.
It's perfect.
This could be your ticket
(deep voice) out of hell.
(chuckles)
Okay, you know what?
I will do it for Vanessa.
Good.
But this counts
as your Christmas present.
You're not getting
the bean-bag chair.
Well, where am I supposed to
smoke my hookah?
I'm, uh, kind of afraid to ask,
but what about me?
You're gonna decorate
the Christmas tree.
What, that's it?
That's it.
If you want to make it
more challenging,
I'll put poisonous snakes
in there.
Hold on a second.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna work
in more of a supervisory role.
So take credit.
Well, if you want
to dumb it down, sure.
Use those terms.
♪♪
Hey. Mr. Alzate.
Yeah.
Your Santa outfit's back
from the cleaners. Oh.
Once again, you get to spread
joy and wonder to children,
(sighs) while I,
a naturally more cheery man,
have to be an elf.
Uh, not this year, Kyle.
No,
my legs are getting too old
and the kids are getting
too fat.
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
Yes.
American kids are porkers.
No, it's -- I'm gonna pass
on the suit.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
I'll do it.
No, wait.
He didn't even raise his hand.
You sure you want to do this,
Chuck?
-Yeah.
-Last year, a kid sneezed
and hit me in the face
with his retainer.
I'm sorry, but there is no way
that Mr. Larabee can be Santa.
And why exactly is that?
All right.
If no one else has
the guts to say it,
I will.
You're too tall
for the suit.
Okay.
Lawsuit avoided.
(laughs)
(chuckling) All right.
We'll deal with it, Kyle.
(both laugh)
Congratulations.
All right.
All right.
It's gonna be Santa Chuck
this year.
(laughs)
And make sure
to keep that spirit
when the first little darling
barfs on you.
(chuckles)
(jolly voice) Ho, ho, ho!
What are you looking at, elf?
Kyle!
♪♪
MIKE: Honey, honey, honey.
Put the packages down
and put your feet up.
I got you the best
Christmas gift of all --
the gift of time.
Is this like last year,
when you gave me
the gift of laughter?
I have delegated the Nativity
scene, the newsletter,
and the tree-trimming
to the kids.
Ooh, gee, thanks a lot.
Boy, that "thanks" didn't have
quite the pop I was expecting.
You know, honey, look. It's just
-- It's not important to them,
and I will just have to
pester them to do it,
so now, instead of being this giving
person who does wonderful things,
you have turned me
into the Christmas Nag.
Look, I'll handle this.
You shouldn't have to be the nag
at Christmastime, too.
♪♪
So, girls.
How, uh, --
How's the newsletter coming?
Well, I finished
the paragraph on me,
and I'm fascinating,
but...nobody else
in the family
did anything interesting
this year.
(scoffs)
I got a new job,
your dad traveled the world,
Kristin got married.
Eh.
Everybody already knows
that stuff, Mom.
That's why nobody
reads these things.
It's like an iTunes
user agreement, you know?
All right, you know what?
Forget it. Forget it.
I will do the newsletter.
Just --
No, you won't.
You're not gonna do it.
No, I --
Honey, honey.
I will handle this.
Oh, yeah,
like that Christmas
you left my mother stranded
at the bus station?
Well, you actually can't be
stranded at a bus station,
can you?
No, you --
You left her.
Come on.
Ugh, this newsletter's
impossible, Dad.
How do we make our lives
sound interesting?
If it was easy,
I would have done it!
I need two pages, single-spaced,
by this afternoon.
Two pages? Ugh!
If you need filler,
throw in stuff like, uh,
"We are very fortunate,"
or -- my favorite one --
"We are so blessed."
Ugh.
This sucks.
The only way this newsletter
would be worth reading
is if it was pure fiction.
Tell me about it. You know
how many made-up stories
I have to tell
about Mom and Dad
so people think
I'm colorful?
Why don't we?
You mean lie?
I didn't mean for that
to sound judgmental,
'cause I'm totally
down for it.
(keys clacking)
Okay.
"2015 was a wonderful year
for us Baxters.
Mom's back...from the cult."
(laughs)
Oh!
"She makes us Kool-Aid
every day."
(clacking continues)
"But nobody's had the guts yet
to try it."
"Dad achieved
his lifelong dream
of becoming a member
of an outlaw biker gang."
So cute.
"Luckily,
antibiotics really helped
with the infection
from his face tattoo."
(laughs)
"We are so blessed."
♪♪
KYLE: I'm just saying,
I think I would have done
a pretty darn good job.
Kyle,
you got to let this thing go.
You know, it's no picnic
pretending to be Santa Claus.
You do it once, they'll ask you
to do it over and over again.
When God closes one door,
he opens another.
Just really wish
he hadn't closed the door
where I was gonna wear
a really cool red suit.
Hey, Ryan.
How's it going down at the
church with the Nativity scene?
Uh, I actually haven't been able
to get down to the church yet.
What's it been --
like 26 years now?
Mike, I'm sorry that it's hard
for me to get motivated.
The Nativity scene's
not really my thing.
I hate to be the one
to tell you this,
but Christmas isn't
about you.
(groans)
I know.
You're right.
It's about helping others.
Specifically Vanessa. If you
don't want to get down there
and meet
the plastic Jesus,
I can arrange to have you meet
the real Jesus.
Hmm. Combining religion
and violence.
No one's ever
done that before.
I will go as soon
as he sees Santa, okay?
I can take care of the kid. I want
you to go down there right now.
As a matter of fact -- Kyle.
Uh, no.
Kyle. Come here.
No. No, no.
I don't --
KYLE: Oh.
Hey, Ryan.
What's up, Mr. B.?
Go with Ryan down to the church
and set up that Nativity scene.
Oh, talk about God
opening another door!
Let's go, brother!
Uh, you gonna change first,
or...?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be warm enough.
(mouthing "thank you.")
(jolly voice)
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Who's ready to tell Santa
What they want for Christmas?
(laughs)
That's not Santa.
That's Mr. Larabee.
Come on, man. You see a lot
of Santas this time of year.
They're all
Santa's helpers.
They're picked
by the real Santa.
Uh, that's right, Boyd.
I work for Santa Claus.
You do?
I thought you worked
for Grandpa.
(laughing)
Ho, ho, ho. No.
(laughs)
I work for someone
much more important.
Isn't that right,
Grandpa?
Let's just put the kid
on your lap.
Get the show rolling,
all right?
Come on, Boyd.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas this year.
I only want to tell you.
Mm-hmm.
Then,
if I get it on Christmas,
I'll know you really do
work for Santa.
Oh, well, fair enough.
A little privacy,
please.
(scoffs)
You didn't wear pants
till you were five.
Now you need privacy?
♪♪
It's nice you're doing this,
Ryan.
I know you don't believe
in this stuff.
Yeah, it's fine.
Just pretending
like I'm setting up
for a giant game
of Dungeons & Dragons.
Sweet.
(chuckles)
You really love
the Nativity scene, don't you?
Oh, sure.
It's the best.
It's a reminder there's
something greater than us.
You know what?
That is beautiful, Kyle.
I completely agree
with you.
I just -- I just wish
the Nativity scene were
something that, you know,
everyone could enjoy,
you know?
Do you mean blind people?
Don't worry.
(sighs)
I hang out
and describe it to them.
No.
You know, I -- I mean,
Christians must love it,
but what about Jews and Muslims
and Zoroastrians?
Well (exhales)
I don't believe in aliens,
but why would it bother
Jews and Muslims?
Because it excludes them,
Kyle.
Really?
Yes. I mean, look.
It's a purely Christian image.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't want people who aren't
Christians to feel left out,
especially at Christmas.
What can we do?
Uh, well, we could
change things up a little bit.
You know, add some stuff,
take some stuff away,
make it
more multicultural.
I do want
everyone to enjoy it.
I'm in.
Yes!
Now I'm excited.
What do you think
we should add?
Uh, tigers, spaceships,
balloons?
I'm not really sure
what we're shooting for.
Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Let's just
keep brainstorming.
Great.
I can't wait to see
the look on Mr. B.'s face
when we tell him we've
improved the Nativity scene.
♪♪
MIKE: Wipe your feet.
Wipe your feet.
Hey, honey.
You're home.
Which is
the most beautiful place.
(crying) Because that's
where love is.
(mouthing "Go upstairs.")
So, what's going on?
Uh, let me guess.
Hallmark commercial,
a Lifetime movie,
a Chardonnay sale
at BevMo!?
Family photo album.
Oh.
I was finally able
to slow down
and really just enjoy
the holiday.
You know, the tree,
the lights...
(chuckles)
...the memories.
I love Christmas.
Yeah.
You know, some people --
when they're happy,
they -- they don't cry.
(chuckles, sniffles)
You know what the best part is,
Mike?
You got the whole family to help.
Eh.
For me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm blessed.
KRISTIN: Eve! Mandy!
Where the hell are you?
There's
our oldest blessing now.
What's
all the yelling about?
Did you see
the Christmas newsletter
those two idiots
sent out?
Huh?
No.
Heh.
I was in a cult?
Yeah, but now you're just a
compulsive gambler. What?
You spend every weekend
down at the track.
(chuckles)
(scoffs) I'm glad
you think this is funny, Dad.
Or should I call you
by your new biker name --
"Old Dirty Baxter"?
So your mom's into ponies
and I'm a badass.
I kind of like it.
Did you see mine?
Apparently
all I did this year
was get the most beads
at Mardi Gras.
I'm a mother!
I think your explanation's
right in here.
It says, "Eve loves her
some cough syrup."
Mandy! Eve!
You screamed?
Why would you do this?
(both laugh)
'Cause it's funny.
(sighs) My parents
get this newsletter.
They don't have
a sense of humor.
Yeah, when I say that,
you get mad.
Not now, Mike.
Uh, sorry, Mom.
We just wanted to make
it fun to read. (sighs)
Oh, my God.
This is a nightmare.
We can fix this. Girls, you're gonna
have to do another one of these.
No, no, no.
I will fix this.
They don't respect this.
(scoffs)
I just need a nice, quiet place
to write a new letter.
Why don't you try
down at the track? (chuckles)
I told you
this was a bad idea.
MANDY: Hi, Kyle.
Hey.
EVE: Hey.
Kyle, please tell me you set
up the Nativity scene. Hey.
We did something
even better.
Oh, God.
(groans)
We set up something
we call the "New-tivity."
New-tivity.
Hey, you found a way
to improve on the birth
of the Lord and Savior.
Good for you.
Well, Ryan thought Nativity
scenes should be more inclusive,
so we came up with this.
Mike.
(chuckles shakily)
There's nothing set up.
There's -- There's just a sign
that says "Your God here."
(voice breaking) Instead of
Jesus, they put up a sign!
Honey.
No, don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
Wow.
She can't wait to see it.
(door closes)
That's great.
I'm disappointed
in all of you.
I asked you to do something for your mom.
You couldn't help it.
You had to put
your own spin on it.
I would just like
to point out
that I did a very nice job
with the tree.
♪♪
What?!
What, what?
(sighs)
You know what?
All the way here,
you haven't said anything.
Not how you're gonna fix it,
not how it's okay -- nothing.
Well, believe it or not, I
didn't know what to say. (sighs)
I wish you'd come up
with something,
because I really need it
right now.
Look.
(scoffs)
I was so happy.
I know you were.
And you still should be.
(scoffs)
Are you kidding me?
You know the joy you felt
when you slowed down enough to
enjoy the good times? Mike --
that's like a Christmas-spirit
moment, honey.
Bad stuff is just gonna happen
in the holidays,
but holding on
to the joy --
that's
the most important part.
Look at that.
You did know what to say.
Thank you.
Come on. We have a lot of work
to do on the Nativity scene.
Oh.
♪♪
Looks like not as much work
as we thought.
Well,
I -- I don't understand.
I -- I mean, I saw the picture
on Kyle's phone.
They just put up a sign.
Yeah, we did.
But then I realized that
that would be wrong.
Whoa.
Hear that?
Ryan just admitted
he's wrong.
It's -- It's
a Christmas miracle.
(sighs)
Uh, it was actually something
you said to me earlier, Mike.
What'd you say?
I don't know.
I say a lot of important things.
That's why Nixon
recorded everything.
You said this wasn't about me,
that it was important to you
and I was just sent down here
to help.
Sounds like somebody else
we know.
Well, thank you, Ryan.
You're welcome.
Thank you. Mm.
So...
Merry Christmas.
Happy solstice.
You just have to ruin it,
don't you?
Hey.
Someone ruined
our New-tivity!
Well, well, well.
What are we all doing here?
Well,
we came down to help.
Yeah, we felt really bad that
everybody but me screwed up.
Well, that is so nice,
but Ryan already fixed
the Nativity scene.
See that?
Ryan admitted he made a mistake.
I think it calls
for a toast.
Eve,
break out the cough syrup.
Easy, wild hog.
Mom, don't worry.
We'll send out
a boring newsletter
as soon as we get back,
right?
Or maybe not.
We're a hit!
-What? -Yeah, people
are really responding.
They love it.
They think it's hilarious.
Oh, Nana says we should submit
to The Onion.
Oh, well, you know,
it was kind of funny.
(chuckles)
Your dad as a biker?
(laughter)
Well, I guess I'll just
hug the shepherd.
Come on.
Aww.
No, I'm fine, actually.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
(laughs)
So, you happy?
(voice breaking)
So happy.
And she's crying again.
♪♪
♪♪
Such a wonderful Christmas,
Mike.
I feel like
you didn't get what you wanted,
because you never gave me
a list.
Huh?
Honey, I'm an adult.
I don't need presents.
Hey, Eve. I want to play
with that crossbow.
(doorbell rings)
Sure.
Start running,
and I'll count to five.
(jolly voice) Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho! (laughs)
Special delivery
for Mike Baxter.
What?
From Santa.
Lawn darts?
Are you kidding me?
This is, like, the best gift
I've ever gotten!
You do work for Santa.
(chuckles)
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
Hey...Dad.
Can we use
some of those lawn darts?
Yeah, just start running.
I'll count to five.
Oh, oh, oh!
I almost forgot.
I had
a special ornament made.
It has a picture of me
standing beside my perfect tree.
I'm just gonna put it
right here in front,
where everyone can see it.
ALL: Whoa!
Honey...
next year,
you should do everything.
♪♪
-- Captions by VITAC --
Vanessa?
Vanessa.
Look at you,
down here all by yourself.
Sleeping?
(gasps)
(sighing)
What time is it?
It's like after 2:00,
honey.
We've been married so long...
(yawns)
...I can't sleep without your
elbow in the back of my neck.
-Mm.
-Come on. Let's go to bed.
No, no, no.
I can't, I can't.
Christmas is in two weeks.
Honey, I still have
a ton of shopping.
I haven't even started
the Christmas letter.
Eh, no big deal.
And I'm head
of the Nativity-scene committee
at the church.
It's not really a committee
when the other people
are made of plastic
with light bulbs in them.
You know,
when I worked at Paxon,
we took
most of December off,
but for teachers, it's
the busiest time of the year.
I mean, we got papers and
midterms and... Mm-hmm.
...(voice breaking)
setting aside time to cry
over student evaluations.
Hey, I got it.
For this year,
for your Christmas present...
(sighs)
...everybody gets an "A."
Problem solved.
I hate when you're so stressed out.
(sighs)
You love Christmas.
You're not even enjoying it.
Well,
I'll enjoy it when it's over.
I'm pretty sure
that's what Mary said
on her journey
to Bethlehem.
(chuckles)
♪♪
Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.
The classic poem "Twas
the Night Before Christmas"
by Clement Clarke Moore
is a holiday delight
where children dreamed
of getting sugarplums.
This is a sugarplum.
Try giving your kids
one of these for Christmas.
See how fast
it comes back to you.
Mr. Moore lived in a time
when Christmas was about
peace and joy.
Today it's about
driving yourself to exhaustion
trying to make
everything perfect --
the perfect tree,
the perfect turkey,
the perfect amount of rum
in the egg nog.
Just enough rum
to take the edge off
but not so much that Grandpa
takes a swing at his brother
for looking funny at him
in 1942.
We've forgotten
what Christmas is really about.
You know, it seems the only time
we even talk about Jesus
is to shout his name
at the jerk who stole
our parking spot at the mall.
And, please, can't we get rid
of Christmas lists?
Where's the magic in getting
exactly what you asked for?
Instead of,
"Hey, how did you know?"
It becomes, "Hey, you can read."
Better yet, let's get rid
of presents altogether.
After a few years of that,
kids will be thrilled
to get one of these
little bad boys, huh?
♪♪
Heya, Boyd.
Hi, Grandpa.
I'm working on
my Christmas list.
Yeah?
What do you got?
How do you spell "banjo"?
B-B-G-U-N.
Listen, we're gonna have
a family meeting!
Everybody downstairs!
Living room!
Come on, now!
(claps hands)
What was your favorite toy
when you were a kid?
Probably lawn darts.
Yeah. It's a big piece of steel
polished to a point,
little wings on it.
You threw it up in the air.
No one could see it, land
in that target area -- boom.
That's a gift you remember.
A lot of scars.
Lot of scars.
That sounds fun.
You didn't even need the target
in there if you had buddies.
They'd just stand
in a circle,
you'd throw it
right at them.
They don't sell them anymore.
You can't find them.
The nanny state
made them illegal.
Stupid nanny state
ruined Christmas.
Yeah.
Oh, holidays with Grandpa. Mm.
Do I need to be here
for the family meeting?
No,
but I get your vote.
I'm open to alliances, people,
so make your best offer.
Sit!
This is not a democracy.
Ugh. I started sounding like
King Obama there for a minute,
didn't I?
But it would be nice
if you looked like him.
Imagine
how fantastic I'd be
if I had inherited
that caramel complexion.
Okay!
This year, I'd like
to give your wonderful mother
the best Christmas gift ever.
A shark?!
No, no.
But at least you're
steering clear of banjos.
I want to take
the burden of Christmas
off your mom's shoulders.
Mm, she's a sturdy gal.
I think she can handle it.
You two are going to do
the Christmas newsletter.
All right, fine. But I'm not
covering for anybody.
If you sucked this year,
it's going in the letter.
And we need
the perfect person
to set up the Nativity scene
at the church -- Ryan.
What?
(scoffs)
I'm not religious.
It's perfect.
This could be your ticket
(deep voice) out of hell.
(chuckles)
Okay, you know what?
I will do it for Vanessa.
Good.
But this counts
as your Christmas present.
You're not getting
the bean-bag chair.
Well, where am I supposed to
smoke my hookah?
I'm, uh, kind of afraid to ask,
but what about me?
You're gonna decorate
the Christmas tree.
What, that's it?
That's it.
If you want to make it
more challenging,
I'll put poisonous snakes
in there.
Hold on a second.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna work
in more of a supervisory role.
So take credit.
Well, if you want
to dumb it down, sure.
Use those terms.
♪♪
Hey. Mr. Alzate.
Yeah.
Your Santa outfit's back
from the cleaners. Oh.
Once again, you get to spread
joy and wonder to children,
(sighs) while I,
a naturally more cheery man,
have to be an elf.
Uh, not this year, Kyle.
No,
my legs are getting too old
and the kids are getting
too fat.
Are you saying
what I think you're saying?
Yes.
American kids are porkers.
No, it's -- I'm gonna pass
on the suit.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
I'll do it.
No, wait.
He didn't even raise his hand.
You sure you want to do this,
Chuck?
-Yeah.
-Last year, a kid sneezed
and hit me in the face
with his retainer.
I'm sorry, but there is no way
that Mr. Larabee can be Santa.
And why exactly is that?
All right.
If no one else has
the guts to say it,
I will.
You're too tall
for the suit.
Okay.
Lawsuit avoided.
(laughs)
(chuckling) All right.
We'll deal with it, Kyle.
(both laugh)
Congratulations.
All right.
All right.
It's gonna be Santa Chuck
this year.
(laughs)
And make sure
to keep that spirit
when the first little darling
barfs on you.
(chuckles)
(jolly voice) Ho, ho, ho!
What are you looking at, elf?
Kyle!
♪♪
MIKE: Honey, honey, honey.
Put the packages down
and put your feet up.
I got you the best
Christmas gift of all --
the gift of time.
Is this like last year,
when you gave me
the gift of laughter?
I have delegated the Nativity
scene, the newsletter,
and the tree-trimming
to the kids.
Ooh, gee, thanks a lot.
Boy, that "thanks" didn't have
quite the pop I was expecting.
You know, honey, look. It's just
-- It's not important to them,
and I will just have to
pester them to do it,
so now, instead of being this giving
person who does wonderful things,
you have turned me
into the Christmas Nag.
Look, I'll handle this.
You shouldn't have to be the nag
at Christmastime, too.
♪♪
So, girls.
How, uh, --
How's the newsletter coming?
Well, I finished
the paragraph on me,
and I'm fascinating,
but...nobody else
in the family
did anything interesting
this year.
(scoffs)
I got a new job,
your dad traveled the world,
Kristin got married.
Eh.
Everybody already knows
that stuff, Mom.
That's why nobody
reads these things.
It's like an iTunes
user agreement, you know?
All right, you know what?
Forget it. Forget it.
I will do the newsletter.
Just --
No, you won't.
You're not gonna do it.
No, I --
Honey, honey.
I will handle this.
Oh, yeah,
like that Christmas
you left my mother stranded
at the bus station?
Well, you actually can't be
stranded at a bus station,
can you?
No, you --
You left her.
Come on.
Ugh, this newsletter's
impossible, Dad.
How do we make our lives
sound interesting?
If it was easy,
I would have done it!
I need two pages, single-spaced,
by this afternoon.
Two pages? Ugh!
If you need filler,
throw in stuff like, uh,
"We are very fortunate,"
or -- my favorite one --
"We are so blessed."
Ugh.
This sucks.
The only way this newsletter
would be worth reading
is if it was pure fiction.
Tell me about it. You know
how many made-up stories
I have to tell
about Mom and Dad
so people think
I'm colorful?
Why don't we?
You mean lie?
I didn't mean for that
to sound judgmental,
'cause I'm totally
down for it.
(keys clacking)
Okay.
"2015 was a wonderful year
for us Baxters.
Mom's back...from the cult."
(laughs)
Oh!
"She makes us Kool-Aid
every day."
(clacking continues)
"But nobody's had the guts yet
to try it."
"Dad achieved
his lifelong dream
of becoming a member
of an outlaw biker gang."
So cute.
"Luckily,
antibiotics really helped
with the infection
from his face tattoo."
(laughs)
"We are so blessed."
♪♪
KYLE: I'm just saying,
I think I would have done
a pretty darn good job.
Kyle,
you got to let this thing go.
You know, it's no picnic
pretending to be Santa Claus.
You do it once, they'll ask you
to do it over and over again.
When God closes one door,
he opens another.
Just really wish
he hadn't closed the door
where I was gonna wear
a really cool red suit.
Hey, Ryan.
How's it going down at the
church with the Nativity scene?
Uh, I actually haven't been able
to get down to the church yet.
What's it been --
like 26 years now?
Mike, I'm sorry that it's hard
for me to get motivated.
The Nativity scene's
not really my thing.
I hate to be the one
to tell you this,
but Christmas isn't
about you.
(groans)
I know.
You're right.
It's about helping others.
Specifically Vanessa. If you
don't want to get down there
and meet
the plastic Jesus,
I can arrange to have you meet
the real Jesus.
Hmm. Combining religion
and violence.
No one's ever
done that before.
I will go as soon
as he sees Santa, okay?
I can take care of the kid. I want
you to go down there right now.
As a matter of fact -- Kyle.
Uh, no.
Kyle. Come here.
No. No, no.
I don't --
KYLE: Oh.
Hey, Ryan.
What's up, Mr. B.?
Go with Ryan down to the church
and set up that Nativity scene.
Oh, talk about God
opening another door!
Let's go, brother!
Uh, you gonna change first,
or...?
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be warm enough.
(mouthing "thank you.")
(jolly voice)
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Who's ready to tell Santa
What they want for Christmas?
(laughs)
That's not Santa.
That's Mr. Larabee.
Come on, man. You see a lot
of Santas this time of year.
They're all
Santa's helpers.
They're picked
by the real Santa.
Uh, that's right, Boyd.
I work for Santa Claus.
You do?
I thought you worked
for Grandpa.
(laughing)
Ho, ho, ho. No.
(laughs)
I work for someone
much more important.
Isn't that right,
Grandpa?
Let's just put the kid
on your lap.
Get the show rolling,
all right?
Come on, Boyd.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas this year.
I only want to tell you.
Mm-hmm.
Then,
if I get it on Christmas,
I'll know you really do
work for Santa.
Oh, well, fair enough.
A little privacy,
please.
(scoffs)
You didn't wear pants
till you were five.
Now you need privacy?
♪♪
It's nice you're doing this,
Ryan.
I know you don't believe
in this stuff.
Yeah, it's fine.
Just pretending
like I'm setting up
for a giant game
of Dungeons & Dragons.
Sweet.
(chuckles)
You really love
the Nativity scene, don't you?
Oh, sure.
It's the best.
It's a reminder there's
something greater than us.
You know what?
That is beautiful, Kyle.
I completely agree
with you.
I just -- I just wish
the Nativity scene were
something that, you know,
everyone could enjoy,
you know?
Do you mean blind people?
Don't worry.
(sighs)
I hang out
and describe it to them.
No.
You know, I -- I mean,
Christians must love it,
but what about Jews and Muslims
and Zoroastrians?
Well (exhales)
I don't believe in aliens,
but why would it bother
Jews and Muslims?
Because it excludes them,
Kyle.
Really?
Yes. I mean, look.
It's a purely Christian image.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't want people who aren't
Christians to feel left out,
especially at Christmas.
What can we do?
Uh, well, we could
change things up a little bit.
You know, add some stuff,
take some stuff away,
make it
more multicultural.
I do want
everyone to enjoy it.
I'm in.
Yes!
Now I'm excited.
What do you think
we should add?
Uh, tigers, spaceships,
balloons?
I'm not really sure
what we're shooting for.
Okay.
Uh, you know what?
Let's just
keep brainstorming.
Great.
I can't wait to see
the look on Mr. B.'s face
when we tell him we've
improved the Nativity scene.
♪♪
MIKE: Wipe your feet.
Wipe your feet.
Hey, honey.
You're home.
Which is
the most beautiful place.
(crying) Because that's
where love is.
(mouthing "Go upstairs.")
So, what's going on?
Uh, let me guess.
Hallmark commercial,
a Lifetime movie,
a Chardonnay sale
at BevMo!?
Family photo album.
Oh.
I was finally able
to slow down
and really just enjoy
the holiday.
You know, the tree,
the lights...
(chuckles)
...the memories.
I love Christmas.
Yeah.
You know, some people --
when they're happy,
they -- they don't cry.
(chuckles, sniffles)
You know what the best part is,
Mike?
You got the whole family to help.
Eh.
For me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm blessed.
KRISTIN: Eve! Mandy!
Where the hell are you?
There's
our oldest blessing now.
What's
all the yelling about?
Did you see
the Christmas newsletter
those two idiots
sent out?
Huh?
No.
Heh.
I was in a cult?
Yeah, but now you're just a
compulsive gambler. What?
You spend every weekend
down at the track.
(chuckles)
(scoffs) I'm glad
you think this is funny, Dad.
Or should I call you
by your new biker name --
"Old Dirty Baxter"?
So your mom's into ponies
and I'm a badass.
I kind of like it.
Did you see mine?
Apparently
all I did this year
was get the most beads
at Mardi Gras.
I'm a mother!
I think your explanation's
right in here.
It says, "Eve loves her
some cough syrup."
Mandy! Eve!
You screamed?
Why would you do this?
(both laugh)
'Cause it's funny.
(sighs) My parents
get this newsletter.
They don't have
a sense of humor.
Yeah, when I say that,
you get mad.
Not now, Mike.
Uh, sorry, Mom.
We just wanted to make
it fun to read. (sighs)
Oh, my God.
This is a nightmare.
We can fix this. Girls, you're gonna
have to do another one of these.
No, no, no.
I will fix this.
They don't respect this.
(scoffs)
I just need a nice, quiet place
to write a new letter.
Why don't you try
down at the track? (chuckles)
I told you
this was a bad idea.
MANDY: Hi, Kyle.
Hey.
EVE: Hey.
Kyle, please tell me you set
up the Nativity scene. Hey.
We did something
even better.
Oh, God.
(groans)
We set up something
we call the "New-tivity."
New-tivity.
Hey, you found a way
to improve on the birth
of the Lord and Savior.
Good for you.
Well, Ryan thought Nativity
scenes should be more inclusive,
so we came up with this.
Mike.
(chuckles shakily)
There's nothing set up.
There's -- There's just a sign
that says "Your God here."
(voice breaking) Instead of
Jesus, they put up a sign!
Honey.
No, don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
Don't touch me!
Wow.
She can't wait to see it.
(door closes)
That's great.
I'm disappointed
in all of you.
I asked you to do something for your mom.
You couldn't help it.
You had to put
your own spin on it.
I would just like
to point out
that I did a very nice job
with the tree.
♪♪
What?!
What, what?
(sighs)
You know what?
All the way here,
you haven't said anything.
Not how you're gonna fix it,
not how it's okay -- nothing.
Well, believe it or not, I
didn't know what to say. (sighs)
I wish you'd come up
with something,
because I really need it
right now.
Look.
(scoffs)
I was so happy.
I know you were.
And you still should be.
(scoffs)
Are you kidding me?
You know the joy you felt
when you slowed down enough to
enjoy the good times? Mike --
that's like a Christmas-spirit
moment, honey.
Bad stuff is just gonna happen
in the holidays,
but holding on
to the joy --
that's
the most important part.
Look at that.
You did know what to say.
Thank you.
Come on. We have a lot of work
to do on the Nativity scene.
Oh.
♪♪
Looks like not as much work
as we thought.
Well,
I -- I don't understand.
I -- I mean, I saw the picture
on Kyle's phone.
They just put up a sign.
Yeah, we did.
But then I realized that
that would be wrong.
Whoa.
Hear that?
Ryan just admitted
he's wrong.
It's -- It's
a Christmas miracle.
(sighs)
Uh, it was actually something
you said to me earlier, Mike.
What'd you say?
I don't know.
I say a lot of important things.
That's why Nixon
recorded everything.
You said this wasn't about me,
that it was important to you
and I was just sent down here
to help.
Sounds like somebody else
we know.
Well, thank you, Ryan.
You're welcome.
Thank you. Mm.
So...
Merry Christmas.
Happy solstice.
You just have to ruin it,
don't you?
Hey.
Someone ruined
our New-tivity!
Well, well, well.
What are we all doing here?
Well,
we came down to help.
Yeah, we felt really bad that
everybody but me screwed up.
Well, that is so nice,
but Ryan already fixed
the Nativity scene.
See that?
Ryan admitted he made a mistake.
I think it calls
for a toast.
Eve,
break out the cough syrup.
Easy, wild hog.
Mom, don't worry.
We'll send out
a boring newsletter
as soon as we get back,
right?
Or maybe not.
We're a hit!
-What? -Yeah, people
are really responding.
They love it.
They think it's hilarious.
Oh, Nana says we should submit
to The Onion.
Oh, well, you know,
it was kind of funny.
(chuckles)
Your dad as a biker?
(laughter)
Well, I guess I'll just
hug the shepherd.
Come on.
Aww.
No, I'm fine, actually.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
(laughs)
So, you happy?
(voice breaking)
So happy.
And she's crying again.
♪♪
♪♪
Such a wonderful Christmas,
Mike.
I feel like
you didn't get what you wanted,
because you never gave me
a list.
Huh?
Honey, I'm an adult.
I don't need presents.
Hey, Eve. I want to play
with that crossbow.
(doorbell rings)
Sure.
Start running,
and I'll count to five.
(jolly voice) Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho! (laughs)
Special delivery
for Mike Baxter.
What?
From Santa.
Lawn darts?
Are you kidding me?
This is, like, the best gift
I've ever gotten!
You do work for Santa.
(chuckles)
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.
Hey...Dad.
Can we use
some of those lawn darts?
Yeah, just start running.
I'll count to five.
Oh, oh, oh!
I almost forgot.
I had
a special ornament made.
It has a picture of me
standing beside my perfect tree.
I'm just gonna put it
right here in front,
where everyone can see it.
ALL: Whoa!
Honey...
next year,
you should do everything.
♪♪
-- Captions by VITAC --