Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - The Puck Stops Here - full transcript

Okay, everything is all set
for my ski trip with Kyle.

Yeah, honey, listen,

it's gonna be
a pretty warm weekend.

You're gonna be
skiing in slush.

I think it'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

I hate to see you stuck
in a room all weekend.

Um, you know what?

I'm pretty sure Kyle
is bringing a deck of cards.

You know,
I'll call Arapahoe.

They probably have snow
at altitude --

Mom, it's not
that kind of a ski trip.



Oh. You know,
if you really loved me,

you'd lie to me.

I just tried.

Bye! Love you.

Hey, Eve!
(groans)

How was school?
Awful.

Why can't my chemistry teacher
go cook meth

and die in
a hail of bullets?

Eve, you know I'm only
up to season four!

Sorry. I just --
I just hate chemistry.

It has nothing to do
with life.

Uh, except that
it is the basis of all life.

Uh, but as you kids say,
whatevs.

Okay, I know I'm gonna
regret saying this,



but is there any possible way
you could --

Tutor you in chemistry?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay.
That regret came quick.

Everybody always goes to
your father for help,

but not this time,
and you want to know why?

Because science
is my domain.

Yeah...

That, and when I went
to go ask Dad,

he said, "Talk to mom."

He knows that science
is my domain.

(laughs)
Hey, guys.

Hey! Hey, how was hockey
practice, my little goon?

Really, really,
really bad.

Oh, yeah,
I've had practices like that,

where I'm struggling,
and I get to see

how hard sports are
for everyone else.

It passes.

Hey, honey, why is --
why is Boyd so upset?

Probably the looming
debt crisis.

Or the fact
that his coach was arrested

in front of all the players today.
(gasps)

Coach Boggs?
Mm-hmm.

He was arrested?

Oh, y-yeah.
Yeah, I could see that.

Apparently,
he refused to pay his taxes.

Mm. Well, we all talk
about doing that,

but that son of a gun
actually did it.

Well,
that's probably why

he had the money to
sponsor the team. Yeah.

How dare that maniac
use his money

to enrich the lives
of little Denver kids

when he could be
sending his money

to be wasted
in Washington.

Problem is,
we have no coach now.

Why don't you get one of
the other parents to coach?

What other parent's
gonna coach?

Well, what about Ryan?
He could coach.

Oh, there's a good idea.
Yeah.

And we could get the Dalai Lama
to lead SEAL Team Six.

Wait a minute. Wait, wasn't
he -- wasn't he, like,

an all-star hockey player
in high school?

Yeah, but he's like
soft serve.

He just oozes out of the nozzle.
Hey, look.

You want Boyd
to play on a team?

Unless you can think of
somebody better,

I think Ryan's
your best bet.

(groans) I have to ask Ryan
to coach a team.

I'm afraid I'll end up
in his feelings journal.

♪♪

Ah,
my favorite Canadian.

Hey.
And here come the jokes.

Oh, no jokes here.
I love Canada.

We'll never build a wall
up there.

Sorry to hear about

Boyd's coach
getting busted for tax evasion?

Yeah, we're actually
gonna hold a car wash

to try and raise $635,000.

Otherwise, no coach.

Which is the reason why
I asked you down here.

I want you to look around,

and pick out
somebody in this room

that you think could coach
Boyd's hockey team.

And it can't be Chuck, me,
or any of my employees.

Oh, no. No.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

No, while it is true
I am pretty great on the blades,

I would rather use
these smooth moves...

...to teach Boyd something
a little less competitive,

like figure skating.

Yeah, something gentle,
like Tonya Harding did.

Kneecapping.

Not cool.

Look, as much as
I'd like my grandson

to star in the Ice Capades,
he likes ice hockey.

My dad coached me, okay?

Fathers coaching sons --

(deep voice) Not cool.

Is that your imitation
of Chuck?

Not good.

What's the real problem
here?

It just gets weird,
okay?

The -- the kids think that
the father's favoring the son

and that's why I never felt
like one of the guys.

So now's your chance
to become one.

Coach the team.
Why me?

I mean, you can get anyone
to coach little kids, okay?

It doesn't take a genius
to run a power play

or call a line change

or devise a neutral zone trap

that David Blaine
couldn't escape.

See, it doesn't take
a genius.

Right up your alley.

You know what, Mike?
I'll do it.

Great. One condition --

I want you to be tough
on those kids.

You keep that tofu
in the dairy case.

Hockey's a red-meat sport.

(laughs) Oh, Michael.

You would never put tofu
in the dairy case.

Leave all
your huggy, organic crap

outside the rink, okay?

You know what?
I'll coach the way I coach.

Just spitballing here,

but we want
just the opposite of that.

You know, why are we even
having this conversation?

We don't have a sponsor.

Oh, yeah, we do.
Huh?

I had these made up already.

Look at that.

"Outdoor Man Predators."

All right, it's a little rough
for a vegan.

Just pretend
that they're hunting truffles.

♪♪

All right,
let's try it again.

You know what they say --
seventh time's the charm.

(sighs)

If the pH balance is correct,
the strip will turn blue.

Ah, pink.
Damn it, it's another girl!

That's what your dad said
when he saw Mandy's ultrasound.

This kept happening
to Scott and I

when we were doing
the experiment in class.

Oh, who's Scott?
My lab partner.

He's a great
lacrosse player,

but when it comes
to chemistry...

he's a great
lacrosse player.

Well, you can't blame it
on him.

He's not here.

He's not the one
who titrated that thiosulfate.

Mother, I will burn you
with this acid.

(laughs)

Good luck. That's a base,

but I think it's adorable
you thought it was an acid.

That's it. I quit.

That was what your dad said
when he saw your ultrasound.

Look...

It's the scientific method.
It's trial and error.

You test something,
it doesn't work,

you try something else.

Save it, Bill Nye.

Ah! Ah!

An ambassador of science
who rocks a bow tie.

I will take that
as a compliment!

Hey, hey.
Hi. How'd the game go?

Crushed 'em like
some cheap tin cans, man.

8-0 -- that other team

was crying
like a bunch of little kids.

Turns out Ryan is
a really good coach, you know?

Huh.

What are we having
for dinner?

So he wasn't all
"soft serve"?

No, no, no.

Who would have thought
that a vegan who knits

could be such a tough coach,
you know?

Are we having meth?
What are we eating here?

So asking him was
a smart suggestion, huh?

Is there a
"You were right, honey,"

in my future?

Depends on who else
calls you honey.

Mm.

RYAN:
I told you before, okay?

You are not
Wayne Gretzky yet.

You still have to back-check.
Easy.

No,
I'm not gonna go easy.

If he's gonna play the game,
he's gonna play the game right.

See what I mean?
This is good.

You know what? Grab your stick,
set up the net.

We're gonna do have
a half-hour of wrist shots.

Let's go. Come on!
(claps) Let's go.

Yeah! You, uh, are you
happy with that, Mike?

Yeah, if he had a better wrist
shot, it might have been 9-0.

Nice going, Dad.

He was riding him like that
the whole drive here.

I mean,
you turned my sweet husband

into a loud-mouthed jerk.

Thanks a lot.

What are you thanking me for?
It was her idea.

You were right, honey.

♪♪

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

You know what gets a bad rap?

Yelling!

That probably startled you

because you don't hear
much of it anymore,

unless you're sitting
in front of an old couple

at the movie theatre.

"I'm going to the lobby
for some Mr. Pibb!

It tastes just like
Dr. Pepper!"

Nowadays, no one's allowed
to raise their voice.

Even when your kid screws up,
you're not supposed to yell.

When I was growing up,

any adult at any time
could yell at you.

Hell,
they could even hit you

with your parents' blessing.

But now, even youth coaches

are being discouraged
from yelling at their players,

and who is paying the price?

All of us.

Because uncoachable kids
become unemployable adults.

So please,
youth coaches of America,

yell at your players!

Then maybe some day,
the rest of us won't have to.

(laughs) Hey.

Hallelujah, Mikey!

Someone has to have the guts
to tell grown men

to yell at little children.

Coaching is so important
for kids.

We used to have
this wonderful coach.

He made run the stairs
till we threw up,

then made us mop it up,

then run the stairs
with the buckets.

Father O'Connell
is a terrific guy.

Sounds like Ryan
has the Predators

doing what Predators do --

killing.
That's right.

With Outdoor Man emblazoned
on the chest of the victors

as they stand over their
vanquished third-grade foes.

I've always wanted Ryan
to show some toughness,

or anything
an anthropologist

would identify
as male behavior.

Man,
I loved playing hockey.

A black man from Minnesota
plays hockey.

You're a walking stereotype.

Hey, guys.
Hey, Ryan.

I heard the team
is doing great, man.

Congratulations.
Thanks.

Yeah, they sure are.
I got a great idea.

I say we print up
some t-shirts

with one of those
hard-ass hockey catchphrases

you bark at the kids.

Hit me with one.

I quit.

Hit me with another one.

No, I'm -- I'm serious, Mike.
I'm quitting.

Look, Kristin and I
talked about it,

and I-I just really don't like
who I've become.

A winner?
You'll get used to that.

No, my father.

That's the real reason
I didn't want to get into this.

As a coach,
all he did was yell.

That's what coaches do,

is yell until their voices
give out.

That's why
they gave them whistles.

I had a coach
throw a shoe at me.

Kid was still in it.

I promised myself I would
never be like that, okay?

My dad's the reason I stopped playing,
and I don't want to ruin hockey for Boyd.

You won 8-0.
You're not ruining it for Boyd.

You're ruining it for the kids
on the other team.

I'm sorry.

I just can't do it, okay?
I quit.

You can say that
as many times as you want,

I'm not putting that
on a t-shirt.

(sighs)

Sounds like you're a sponsor
without a coach.

Yeah, I mean --

(stammering)

You know, Chuck...

This is gonna sound like

I don't have
another alternative...

(laughs) Why not?

The world just might be ready
for a black hockey coach.

♪♪

Hi. Hey. How was skiing?

If you remember,
it really wasn't about skiing.

In my mind, it was --
and in your father's,

which is why I hid those skis
you left behind.

Aww, thank you.
That's so nice.

Ehh, are we having fondue?
Because I say fon-don't.

It's not fondue.
It's an experiment.

Eve and her lab partner

are having trouble
with chemistry.

You know, I don't know
if he's lazy or just dumb.

Or hot.

(scoffs)
You know, Mandy,

you always think
it's about a boy.

It's always about a boy,
Mom.

That's why
you had to hide my skis.

You know, that is
an interesting hypothesis.

Yeah, use all the nerd words
you want.

The subject is love.

CHUCK: (laughs)

Hey!
How'd you guys do?

We tied.
Yeah!

VANESSA: Wow!
The perfect ending!

Nobody's feelings got hurt!

What kind of a Marine
are you?

This isn't war.
This is kid's hockey.

You should have seen
those little guys --

racing one way, then racing the other way.
VANESSA: Aww.

(laughs)

So it sounds like
everybody had a good time.

Yeah,
why focus on winning?

Just gets in the way
of racing one way

and racing the other way.

Come on.

Hey, Vanessa's right, man!

It should be about fun,

and nobody had more fun
than this little guy,

am I right, boy?

Yeah.
Yeah! (laughs)

Undefeated, unstoppable!
Unhurt feelings!

Say hi to your wife.
All right.

Okay, this is great.

I think
everyone is happier

now that Chuck
is coaching the team.

I want to quit.

Oh, looky there.

He's picked up
his dad's catchphrases.

MIKE: (laughs)

Nothing says,
"I quit something"

like continuing to do it.

That would have made
a great slogan

for one of those old
cigarette commercials, huh?

Why did you want to quit?

'Cause we didn't win.

Well, you can have just
as much fun when you tie.

Yeah, I didn't believe it
when I said it, either.

Is Coach Larabee
a good coach?

He's really nice.

That would be a "no."

Why can't my dad coach us?

Because a lot of people
think it upsets you

when he yells.

I don't care.

He just wanted to win,
like I do.

If I could get your dad
to coach,

would you play again?

Do you think you can?

Of course I can.
I like to win, too.

I'm your grandpa.

Where do you think
you get it from?

Oh,
way to look over there.

Stop!

Huh?

♪♪

Where's all the lab stuff?

Have you finally
given up on me?

No.

Today,
we are going to talk about

the practical applications
of the scientific method.

Hmm, well,
this should be quick.

Sit.

Why would Eve,
who is very smart,

be struggling in a class?

I pose this hypothesis.
Mm-hmm.

If Eve's ability to focus
has been compromised,

then perhaps,

she is attracted
to her lab partner, Scott.

Hmm...

I've got a good one.

If Eve's mother
is annoying,

then Eve
will leave the room.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on.

I did my research
on the Facebook...

...and confirmed
that Scott is indeed

a very handsome
lacrosse player.

I have
another hypothesis.

A grandma
going on the Facebook

to check out
high-school seniors

is creepy!

I also noticed
that you liked Scott's post

supporting gun control,

unusual for a girl

who can assemble an M16
with her eyes closed.

I only liked
that he has an opinion

on such
an important issue.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Continuing my research,

I contacted Cammy

to see if she thinks
Scott is cute.

Okay,
now I have to move.

Why would you do that?

Control group.

But I still felt I needed
one more piece of evidence

to prove my hypothesis.

Like what?

(singsong)
Eve likes Scott.

Eve likes Scott.

(normal voice)
Ha! You blushed!

(chuckles)

Hypothesis proven.

You have just been
Bill Nye-ilated.

Just when I thought science
couldn't get any dorkier.

Sorry, Eve. You like him.

It has been
scientifically proven.

All right, fine.
You got me.

So what am I supposed to do
about Scott?

You know,
this might surprise you,

but I'm actually
more concerned

with what you're gonna
do about chemistry. Ugh.

If I just knew
if he liked me or not,

I could focus and ace it like
all my other classes. Yeah.

Well, you probably
shouldn't be asking for advice

from someone who hasn't had
a crush in 30 years.

That is not true!

Your father and I
happen to be very much in --

Oh, Mom. No, I got it.

But, uh,
you're gonna be happy,

'cause I'm gonna
use science.

All right,
the Scott formula is this --

one part
laughing at his jokes,

two parts sitting through
boring lacrosse games,

and three parts
the right wardrobe.

Your clothes should be
less G.I. Joe,

more, "Gee, I'm a girl."

No, Eve,
just be yourself.

The one thing
I know Scott would respect

is if you work hard and help
him get through chemistry.

I appreciate it, Mom.
I do.

But, uh, this is sort of
Mandy's domain.

Okay, we have a lot more
to get through,

but remember,
he's more scared of you

than you are of him.
He better be.

No, see, that's the sort of
thing we need to work on.

I want you to come back
and coach Boyd's hockey team.

We've been through this,
okay?

When it comes to hockey, I'm
sort of like Jekyll and Hyde.

Jekyll was a doctor.
Let's not get carried away.

I've got this
Bruce Banner-Hulk thing.

Again, another doctor.

You need a before-and-after
that starts with

a mild-mannered,
stay-at-home mom-dad.

Look, I don't want to be
my father, okay?

All he did was yell.

When he was coaching you.
Yes.

And at other times, too.

When you're not coaching Boyd,

do you yell at him?
No, never.

Then how do you think
you're like your dad?

Don't yell at me!

Your dad yelled at you
because he was angry.

You yell because
you're passionate about hockey.

Your kid will know
the difference.

Look, I appreciate
what you're saying,

but I really think
he's better off with Chuck.

He's not better off with Chuck.
He wants to quit.

What? Why?

Because he doesn't think
Coach Larabee cares,

and I have to agree
with him.

I've never seen a guy
so happy about a tie.

My Predators tied?
How could you let that happen?

Hey, don't yell at me.
Yell at your team. Coach them!

I don't think this is
the best thing for Boyd and me.

Boyd will be fine.
He's got Baxter blood in him.

We don't crumple
when we're getting yelled at.

Okay,
what about Chuck?

Chuck's been shot at
in Iraq.

He'll be okay being let go
as a volunteer youth coach.

Boyd really wants
to quit?

Yes, he really wants
to quit.

Unless I coach?
Unless you coach.

All right. I'll do it.

All right!

Guess your scarf here's
gonna have to wait

till after the season.

Uh, "A,"
that is a cardigan,

and, "B," I'll have it done
by this weekend.

Who does the knitting
around here?

Jekyll or the hulk?

The mild-mannered,
stay-at-home mom-dad. Great.

Wait,
so what you're telling me is

sometimes people
yell at someone

because they love them.

That's right.

You yell at me a lot.

(scoffs)
Sometimes it's just yelling.

♪♪

Typical.

You can't fire the players,
so you fire the coach.

Look. Look.
I got to be honest with you.

This decision
came from upstairs.

Upstairs?
What -- we're upstairs!

You are upstairs!

Oh, no, no, no.
I mean...

"upstairs."

God told you to do it?

We talk.

But he said
you could keep the hat.

There's the skipper.
How's my new team?

Yeah, doing pretty well.

Although, some of the kids
miss Coach Larabee.

Oh, do they, now?

Yeah, apparently,
he leaves PEZ dispensers

in the penalty box.
Yeah!

Yeah, I thought it might

take the sting
out of getting punished.

Which is why the entire team
was in the penalty box.

Yeah, with all these kids
still learning the game,

I really could use
an assistant.

Huh? Yes.

I am back in the saddle!

Yeah!

Well, technically,
you're the assistant coach.

So you're sitting on
the ass of the horse

with your arms around him.

Okay, so Scott is gonna make
a lot of terrible jokes,

and you're gonna
have to laugh at them,

or he'll find someone else
who will.

So let's hear
your fake laugh.

(clears throat)

(laughs)

Oh, Scott,
man, you're funny.

What are you doing?
What is this?

Hey, I need something. No.

Think more
champagne bubbles

and less like
a deaf donkey, okay?

Like -- (giggles)
Oh, my God.

Scott,
you're so hilarious.

(giggles) No, like a
dumb baby, like --

(both giggling)

What, uh, what are you guys
fake laughing at?

I'm trying to teach Eve for
when she has to talk to Scott.

Oh, oh,
you mean like this?

(giggling wildly)

Like that?

Yeah.

Where'd you learn
to do that?

30 years of practice.