Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - School Merger - full transcript
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
I GOT IT!
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[ SIGHS ]
Both:
TRICK OR TREAT.
REALLY? YOU GUYS COULDN'T EVEN
BE BOTHERED TO WEAR A COSTUME?
YOU GUYS WANT SOMETHING
FROM EVE BAXTER,
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.
THAT'S A GOOD CALL.
TRY TO REMEMBER THAT
ON PROM NIGHT.
WHAT --
WHAT IS THIS COSTUME?
OH.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HOPE SOLO'S MUG SHOT?
IT'S A BIG STEP
FOR EQUALITY IN SPORTS
WHEN A FEMALE ATHLETE FINALLY
GETS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT.
WHEN SHE GETS FIVE GUYS PREGNANT
IN FIVE DIFFERENT CITIES,
THEN SHE'S HIT
THE BIG LEAGUES.
HONEY, UH,
WE ALREADY ATE,
BUT I'LL STAND HERE
WITH YOU
WHILE YOU MAKE YOURSELF
SOMETHING.
NO, THANKS.
RIGHT TO THE SAUCE.
TOUGH DAY?
I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY
TRYING TO NAVIGATE THESE
NEW E.P.A. GUIDELINES ON CARBON.
34,000 PAGES.
WOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF PAPER.
GUESS THE E.P.A. DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT TREES ANYMORE.
SCIENTISTS LIKE ME --
WE'RE NOT THE ENEMY.
WE'RE TRYING TO
FIX THE PROBLEM.
WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS PUT ALL
THE POWER PLANTS IN PAKISTAN...
BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE
ABOUT AIR POLLUTION THERE.
THEIR AIR
COMES IN FLAVORS --
THEY HAVE THE ORIGINAL
AND EXTRA CRISPY.
YOU KNOW, MIKE,
I AM REALLY STARTING TO WONDER
IF THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE
DOING WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
AT LEAST YOU GOT A LOVING FAMILY
TO COME HOME TO.
YEAH, WHATEVER.
TRICK OR TREAT!
HEY, BOYD.
Kristin:
HEY, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
WE THOUGHT
WE WOULD BRING BOYD
TO TRICK-OR-TREAT
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
YEAH, SEE WHAT YOU
ONE-PERCENTERS ARE SHELLING OUT.
THAT'S A GOOD CALL. YOU SAY
"TRICK" IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
YOU GET A GIRL NAMED CANDY.
BOYD, HONEY,
WHAT'S YOUR COSTUME?
OH, HE IS SOMETHING
REALLY SCARY.
Mike: LET'S SEE IT.
MY DADDY SAYS I'M THE SINGLE
BIGGEST THREAT TO LIFE ON EARTH.
A LUMP OF COAL.
I GET IT, YEAH. IT'S --
IT'S 'CAUSE I WORK IN COAL.
I'M DESTROYING
THE PLANET!
I SUPPOSE YOU DROVE OVER HERE
IN YOUR WINDMILL-POWERED CAR?
I'M JUST TRYING TO
RAISE AWARENESS, MAN.
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN ALL THE
COSTUME HAD TO SAY WAS "BOO."
WITH THE ELECTION COMING UP,
WE JUST WANTED HIM
TO WEAR A COSTUME THAT
MADE A STATEMENT -- THAT'S ALL.
WELL, A LITTLE KID
WEARING BLACK AT NIGHT --
THE STATEMENT IS, "WHY DON'T YOU
HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR?"
-- Captions by VITAC --
HEY, MANDY. [ CHUCKLES ]
GLASSES AND A BOOK?
THAT IS OBVIOUSLY
A COSTUME.
U.S. ELECTION
ASSISTANCE COMMISSION?
MM-HMM,
FOR EXTRA CREDIT IN POLI-SCI,
I SIGNED UP TO HELP OUT
AT THE POLLING PLACE ON TUESDAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE.
MANDY IS WORKING THE POLE.
I THINK WE ALL
SAW THIS DAY COMING.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO
TRICK-OR-TREATING?
I'LL TAKE YOU OUT, SQUIRT.
COME ON.
OH, BUT I GET 20%
OF YOUR HAUL.
WHAT FOR?
PROTECTION.
IT'S DARK OUT HERE, YOU KNOW?
YOU MIGHT FALL DOWN
AND BREAK THOSE PRETTY,
LITTLE TEETH OF YOURS.
SO, YOU'RE GONNA BE
AN ELECTION JUDGE?
THAT'S A --
THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT.
OH, YES, I HAD TO ATTEND
A TWO-HOUR SEMINAR,
WHICH WAS ACTUALLY
VERY INFORMATIVE...
YEAH?
...BECAUSE I FOUND OUT WHERE
THE INSTRUCTOR GOT HER BOOTS --
NORDSTROM.
HUH, WELL, RYAN AND I
HAVE BEEN REGISTERING VOTERS
OUT IN FRONT
OF WHOLE FOODS.
AHH, THAT'S WHERE
YOU GET GOOD VOTERS --
PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH
TO PAY 16 BUCKS FOR A KUMQUAT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
WELL, IT IS A MIDTERM ELECTION,
BUT THE STAKES ARE HIGH.
IF THE REPUBLICANS
GET THE SENATE,
OBAMA'S HANDS WILL BE TIED.
HOW WILL HE PLAY GOLF?
AAH! AAH!
HELLO, LITTLE GIRL.
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED AS?
A GUY WHO WAS
WATCHING A HOCKEY GAME
TILL HIS WIFE
SENT HIM OUT FOR MORE CANDY.
"BLACK GUY
THAT LIKES HOCKEY" --
THAT'S THE MOST CREATIVE COSTUME
I'VE SEEN TONIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
I LIKE YOUR COSTUME, TOO --
"NERVOUS WHITE DUDE
WHO'S AFRAID TO LET A BROTHER
INTO HIS HOUSE."
PLEASE COME IN,
CHUCK.
Carol: CHUCK!
HEY, CAROL.
OH, HEY!
Chuck: OHH.
I SENT YOU TO THE STORE
FOR CANDY,
NOT TO MOOCH
OFF THE BAXTERS.
WELL, I WAS HOPING
VANESSA WOULD ANSWER.
NOW I WISH
I'D GONE TO THE STORE.
STILL TIME.
COME ON IN. SIT DOWN.
OH, HEY.
I'LL GET YOU
SOME CANDY.
NO, NO NEED.
I SHUT OFF OUR PORCH LIGHTS.
YOU KNOW, THE COSTUMES
WERE LAME THIS YEAR.
I JUST SAW
A KID DRESSED LIKE A ROCK.
HE IS A LUMP OF COAL, AND THERE
ARE CLEAN WAYS TO BURN HIM,
IF THE E.P.A.
WOULD JUST GET OFF MY ASS!
MY WIFE'S
A LITTLE TENSE TONIGHT.
Chuck: MY WIFE'S TENSE, TOO.
IT --
IT'S THIS ELECTION.
YEAH.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TILL IT'S OVER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THE ELECTION, I MEAN.
NOT MY MARRIAGE.
ALTHOUGH EITHER ONE
WOULD SOLVE IT.
ON THE SCHOOL BOARD --
UGH --
WE'VE BEEN CAMPAIGNING HARD
FOR MEASURE "C."
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH IT.
OH, AS A CERTIFIED ELECTION
OFFICIAL, I MOST CERTAINLY AM.
SO, MEASURE "C"
IS THE ONE THAT'S BETWEEN
MEASURES "B" AND "D."
SHE'S BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD
ON HER ALPHABET.
SHE USED TO HAVE TO
SING THAT.
MEASURE "C"
IS THE PROPOSAL
TO SHUT DOWN
TAFT HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?
RIGHT, RIGHT.
TAFT IS LARGELY
AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
YEAH, AND LATINO.
THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF "JULIOS"
DOWN BY THAT SCHOOLYARD.
TAFT IS A FAILING SCHOOL.
IF THE SCHOOL BOARD
SHUTS IT DOWN,
WE CAN SEND THE KIDS TO SOME
OF THE MORE SUCCESSFUL SCHOOLS
IN THE DISTRICT,
LIKE WOODBRIDGE.
YEAH, JUST PUSH
THE PROBLEM UP HERE.
IT'S THE LEAF-BLOWER
STRATEGY.
WELL, I THINK
THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
I'M SURE YOU DO.
MIKE, BROWN vs. TOPEKA
WAS 60 YEARS AGO,
AND OUR SCHOOLS ARE STILL AS
SEGREGATED AS THEY WERE IN 1954.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
INTEGRATION? YOU'RE CANADIAN.
YOU GOT, LIKE, ONE BLACK KID
IN THAT WHOLE COUNTRY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THEY PROBABLY INTEGRATE
BY SENDING HIM TO DIFFERENT
SCHOOLS EVERY YEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
PASS HIM AROUND
LIKE THE STANLEY CUP.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH,
BUT THIS PROPOSAL'S ABOUT
GIVING THESE KIDS
AN EQUAL CHANCE.
I'M SURPRISED THE SCHOOL BOARD
IS GIVING UP SO EASY.
'CAUSE YOU COULD JUST SPEND
A LOT MORE MONEY ON THE SCHOOL.
IT WOULD STILL FAIL, BUT THEN
EVERYBODY WOULD BE POOR.
THERE IS NO MORE MONEY,
UNLESS YOU WANT TO PAY
MORE PROPERTY TAXES.
NO.
NO. NO.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
I FIGURED YOU TWO
WOULD AGREE ON THAT ONE.
YOU READY TO HAVE
YOUR OLD NEIGHBORHOOD
COME OUT AND HANG
IN THE NEW NEIGHBORHOOD
AND GET THE OLD GANG TOGETHER --
THE CRIPS, THE BLOODS?
KIWANIS.
I-I'M STRAIGHT OUT OF DENVER,
NOT COMPTON.
THIS -- THIS IS REALLY
CAROL'S AREA.
SHE -- SHE'S THE POLITICIAN
IN THE FAMILY.
YOU'RE THE HOMEOWNER,
AND PROPERTY VALUES ARE DICTATED
BY THE SCHOOLS AROUND THEM.
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A REALLY COMPLICATED ISSUE.
YOU SEE, ON THE ONE HAND, Y-YOU
WANT TO HELP THE KIDS FROM TAFT.
OKAY.
ON THE OTHER HAND --
THERE IS
NO OTHER HAND.
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO BE CONCERNED
ABOUT OUR PROPERTY VALUE.
THERE'S THE OTHER HAND.
WE'RE BACK.
HEY.
WE SHOULD BE HEADING OUT
ANYWAY, SO...
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
YEAH, GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU, BOYD!
WELL, WAIT. WAIT, I WANT TO
SAY GOODBYE TO MY LITTLE
LUMP OF COAL!
OOH!
I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU SO HARD,
YOU TURN INTO A DIAMOND. MWAH!
DO YOU EVER
TURN THE GEOLOGY STUFF OFF?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
NIGHT, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
BE SAFE OUT THERE.
OKAY. WHERE WERE WE?
OH, YEAH.
CHUCK WAS DISRESPECTING CAROL'S
HARD WORK ON MEASURE "C."
WHY DO YOU DO THAT,
BAXTER?
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY OWN HUSBAND
IS AGAINST ME ON THIS.
That's why I do that.
IF THIS MEASURE FAILS,
THERE'S GOT TO BE CUTS
ACROSS THE WHOLE DISTRICT,
PROGRAMS LIKE MUSIC,
THEATER, ART --
W-WAIT. NO MORE ART?
YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO,
HONEY.
YES!
I SUCK AT ART.
IT'S BEEN KILLING MY G.P.A.
EVE, COME ON.
THAT IS SO SELFISH.
I MEAN, YOU GOT TO TRY TO
SEE THE BIG PICTURE HERE.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
HAVE TO DRAW IT.
UH, HONEY, W-WE MOVED
OUT OF THE HOOD.
I'M NOT SURE I LIKE THE IDEA
OF THE HOOD FOLLOWING ME HERE.
I DON'T MIND
THE HOOD FOLLOWING ME
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
WHITE AND POINTY.
GOOD NIGHT,
MIKE AND VANESSA.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
CAROL.
CHUCK, I'LL GET YOU
A SLEEPING BAG
SO YOU CAN KEEP A REAL GOOD EYE
ON YOUR PROPERTY VALUE TONIGHT.
OH, MAN. YOU SHOULD HAVE
GONE TO THE STORE.
THE YEKEKIANS WERE GIVING AWAY
THOSE FIG-AND-NUT BARS AGAIN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THE KIDS ARE
THROWING THEM IN THE BUSHES.
WELL, IF IT'S NOT PURE SUGAR,
THE KIDS JUST TOSS IT.
I KNOW.
RAISINS, ORANGE SLICES,
APPLES.
MICHELLE OBAMA'S DREAM
FOR AMERICAN LUNCHES
IS RIGHT HERE
IN OUR FRONT YARD.
STUPID RYAN. GOSH.
A LUMP OF COAL THIS SIZE COULD
POWER A HOME FOR THREE DAYS.
AND LEAVE THE AIR A LOT CLEANER
THAN THOSE KIDS LEFT OUR YARD.
WELL, LET'S NOT PUT IT AWAY.
WHAT WE'LL DO IS
WE'LL PUT IT IN RYAN'S STOCKING
FOR CHRISTMAS.
HOW DID I
BECOME THE BAD GUY?
WHEN I STARTED COLLEGE,
I-I WAS AN IDEALIST.
I-I WANTED A CAREER WHERE I'D
MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
I MEAN, SO, OF COURSE,
I PICKED GEOLOGY.
WELL, THAT WAS
MOTHER TERESA'S MINOR.
HONEY,
DON'T LET CLOWNS LIKE RYAN
GET INTO YOUR HEAD
AND RUIN YOUR LOVE OF ROCKS.
HONEY,
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE ROCKS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT [SIGHS] I'M BARELY
DOING SCIENCE AT MY JOB ANYMORE.
I'M JUST -- I'M SO BURIED
IN PAPERWORK.
PAPER'S STRONGER THAN ROCK.
NOW YOU JUST NEED SCISSORS.
I'M JUST SO TIRED
OF ARGUING WITH PEOPLE --
MY BOSSES, THE E.P.A.
REALLY,
ALL I THINK ABOUT LATELY...
IS QUITTING MY JOB.
IF YOU'RE TIRED
OF ARGUING WITH PEOPLE,
YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
TOLD ME THAT.
COME ON. WE --
WE DON'T NEED THE MONEY.
UH,
IT DOES BUY HAPPINESS.
YEAH, BUT SOMETHING'S
GOT TO CHANGE.
I-I MEAN, IF I'M NOT GONNA GET
A SECOND HUSBAND [CHUCKLES]
I MIGHT NEED
A SECOND CAREER.
WELL, IT'S A BIG DECISION.
IT'S YOUR DECISION.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
I'LL SUPPORT YOU.
REALLY?
YEAH, I'LL HAVE TO.
WE'LL ONLY HAVE ONE INCOME.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
HEY, MR. ALZATE.
YEAH.
UH, I NEED SOME TIME OFF TODAY
TO GO TO THE POLLS.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU HAVE SOME BIG CHOICES.
YOU VOTING FOR HICKENLOOPER?
UH, NICE TRY, BUT, NO, I WON'T
BE VOTING FOR HICKENLOOPER.
I'LL BE VOTING
FOR A REAL PERSON.
NO, HE IS REAL, KYLE.
HE'S OUR GOVERNOR.
RIGHT,
THE GOVERNOR OF FLOOBERTOWN,
WHERE
I BUY MY GLOOMPIES!
I'M SO GLAD
I DID TWO TOURS IN VIETNAM
TO PROTECT
YOUR SACRED RIGHT TO VOTE.
TAKE AN EXTRA HOUR
AT LUNCH.
THANKS. I'M DRIVING MY GRANDMA
ON MY MOTORCYCLE.
AND I HAVE TO GO SLOW.
SHE'S AN OLDER WOMAN.
IT'S TOUGH HOLDING ON.
OH, NO,
SHE'S STRONG AS AN OX.
WHEN SHE PUTS HER ARMS
AROUND ME,
I-I KEEP HAVING TO
SWAT HER HANDS.
SOMETIMES SHE FORGETS
I'M HER GRANDSON.
THANKS, MR. ALZATE.
MORNING, MR. B.
MORNING.
OH, MIKEY, WOMEN GET STRANGER
AS THEY GET OLDER.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
MY WIFE JUST LAID THIS ON ME.
SHE WANTS TO
QUIT HER JOB.
COME ON.
YEAH.
REALLY? I WOULDN'T
HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.
I THOUGHT SHE LOVED
WORKING WITH DOLPHINS.
MY WIFE'S A GEOLOGIST.
OH.
SHE'S JUST TIRED
OF GETTING BULLIED AROUND
BY THE ENVIRONMENTALISTS.
SHE WAS BETTER OFF
WITH DOLPHINS.
ALL RIGHT, MY ADVICE -- URGE
VANESSA TO FIND A NEW JOB FIRST.
JUST STALL THIS THING.
AND WHO KNOWS?
SHE EVEN MAY GO BACK
TO TEACHING FISH
HOW TO JUMP
THROUGH HOOPS.
OR SHE COULD
BECOME A GEOLOGIST.
ANOTHER GOOD CAREER.
THANKS FOR VOTING!
COME AGAIN!
BUT NOT TODAY,
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.
SO DON'T COME AGAIN UNTIL THE
NEXT TIME THAT WE ELECT THINGS.
UH...
[ CHUCKLES ]
HEY, I HOPE
YOU'RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.
UM, YEAH.
DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE.
I TOOK AN OATH.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
ALSO,
I FORGOT MY EARBUDS.
[ GROANS ]
KIND OF A SAD TURNOUT.
THINK IT'S TIME TO BUST OUT
THE OTHER KIND OF POLE, HMM?
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IT'S MY SCHOOL.
I STOPPED BY AFTER PRACTICE.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW,
UH, MEASURE C's DOING?
I CAN'T ANSWER
THAT QUESTION.
THAT'S GOT TO BE
THE MILLIONTH TIME
YOU'VE SAID THAT
IN A CLASSROOM.
I'M SURPRISED
BALLOONS DIDN'T FALL.
[ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, I JUST
REALLY NEED TO KNOW
THAT MEASURE "C" IS TANKING,
OKAY? ART MUST DIE.
WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS
WHO WOULD BENEFIT?
I'M NOT BLOWING
MY SHOT AT WEST POINT
JUST 'CAUSE
I CAN'T DRAW A HORSE.
I MEAN,
WHO HAS LEGS LIKE THAT?
UH, WHAT?
SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
MEASURE "C"
WILL WRECK THE ECONOMY?!
WHAT?!
HEY, NO.
NO ELECTIONEERING AT THE POLLS.
TELL HER.
DO YOUR JOB.
I-I'M GOING.
I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING
THAT MEASURE "C"
IS BACKED BY ISIS!
OKAY, DEMOCRACY
IS NO JOKE, MANDY.
THESE RULES MUST BE ENFORCED.
CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY BALLOT?
ACTUALLY...NO.
YOU DON'T LIVE
IN THIS DISTRICT.
WHAT? UH...
NO, BUT MY NAME
IS STILL ON THE VOTER ROLLS.
"KRISTIN BAXTER,"
R-RIGHT THERE.
AT MOM AND DAD'S ADDRESS,
WHERE YOU DON'T LIVE ANYMORE.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
DEMOCRACY'S NO JOKE,
KRISTIN.
OH, COME ON.
I AM YOUR SISTER.
YEAH, THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA HAS NO SISTER.
MAYBE ENGLAND.
NO, THAT'S REALLY MORE LIKE
OUR GAY COUSIN, ACTUALLY.
YOU HAVE TO GO VOTE
IN YOUR OWN DISTRICT.
WHAT? BUT THE POLLS
ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE.
DON'T MAKE ME CALL SECURITY.
IT'S THAT WEIRD CROSSING GUARD
WHO LIKES TO STARE AT MY FEET.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
MM-HMM, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THAT IS HOW YOU WORK A POLL!
YES! WHOO!
I AM SO SORRY.
I'M JUST HEARING IT NOW
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I'M SO SORRY.
[ INSTRUMENTS PLAYING ]
HEY, EVE.
OH, HEY, CAMMY.
SORRY.
UM, CAN YOU TEACH ME
HOW TO DRAW A HORSE?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
I'D HAVE TO SEE THE HORSE FIRST.
[ SIGHS ]
MINE ALWAYS END UP
LOOKING LIKE DOGS ON STILTS.
LET'S JUST HOPE
MEASURE "C" FAILS
AND KILLS THE ARTS PROGRAM,
RIGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
UH, WAIT.
UM, ISN'T MUSIC AN ART?
UM...NOT THE WAY
THE SCHOOL BAND DOES IT.
BUT I NEED SCHOOL BAND.
I'M COUNTING ON AN OBOE
SCHOLARSHIP FOR COLLEGE.
I THOUGHT
THAT WAS SAD ENOUGH,
AND NOW
I MIGHT NOT EVEN GET THAT?
OOH,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
ANY CHANCE THEY'D CANCEL
FOOTBALL INSTEAD?
[ Chuckling ] UH...
I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
ON THAT THING TOO HARD.
HOW DID IT GO
AT THE POLLS?
WHEW. WELL, EVE WILL BE HAPPY.
MEASURE "C" LOST.
OHH.
UM, AND SO DID...
[ HUMS "THE ALPHABET SONG" ]
♪ "E," "F," AND "G" ♪
WHAT A SHAME. WOW. THOSE KIDS
WILL HAVE TO STAY AT TAFT.
HMM.
YEAH. ELECTION DAY IS,
LIKE, THE ONLY DAY
SOME OF THESE OLD PEOPLE
GET OUT OF THEIR HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE
THEY'VE GOT FOUR YEARS
OF BOTTLED-UP STUFF
TO TALK ABOUT.
GUESS WHO'S IN
THAT LINE OF FIRE.
SORRY, I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE
NICE TO DROP BY AND CATCH UP.
OH, NOT YOU, MOM. I'M TALKING
ABOUT THE SAD PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE ONES
WHO TALK ABOUT, LIKE,
WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE
WITH THEIR LIVES,
BUT THEY DIDN'T,
AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT.
HI, HONEY.
HEY. HI. HOW, UH --
HOW WAS WORK?
JOBS ARE GREAT.
VERY FULFILLING.
REALLY? DID SOMEBODY COME IN
AND BUY ALL YOUR GUNS?
IF SO, YOU MIGHT
WANT TO TELL THE AUTHORITIES.
JUST GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE
A JOB THAT I LOVE.
AND I KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS
NOT TO HAVE THAT.
I APPRECIATE
YOU SAYING THAT, MIKE.
AND IF YOU WANT TO QUIT,
I'M BEHIND YOU.
THANK YOU.
BUT I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY ONE THING.
OH, BOY. OKAY.
I-I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD,
UH, GIVE THEM NOTICE
TILL YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE,
YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULDN'T
LET GO OF ONE THING
TILL YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER
TO GRAB ONTO.
IT'S LIKE ROCK-CLIMBING
OR WIVES.
I AGREE. I SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING
AWAY FROM SOMETHING,
BUT RUNNING TO SOMETHING,
SOMETHING I REALLY,
REALLY CARE ABOUT.
AND THERE'S REALLY
NO HURRY.
I MEAN, YOU CAN DO IT
ANYTIME YOU WANT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING.
DIDN'T TAKE MUCH TIME.
I WANT TO TEACH.
I LIKE THAT A LOT.
THAT MEANS I COULD SLEEP WITH
A COLLEGE PROFESSOR...AGAIN.
MAYBE THIS TIME,
IT'LL IMPROVE MY GRADE A LITTLE.
ACTUALLY,
I WANT TO TEACH
AT A PLACE
THAT I CAN DO A LOT OF GOOD.
I LIKE THAT IDEA. IT'S GREAT.
I WANT TO TEACH SCIENCE
AT A PLACE THAT REALLY NEEDS ME.
GOOD.
YEAH, LIKE TAFT.
Y-YEAH, YEAH. THAT...
WHAT, UH --
W-WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S, UH --
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE'S WIFE,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
NO, TAFT IS A PLACE
WHERE A TEACHER
CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
YOU KNOW, L-LIKE
IN "DANGEROUS MINDS."
OH, YOU ARE NOT GONNA
WIN THIS ARGUMENT
BY CITING THE LEAST SEXY
MICHELLE PFEIFFER MOVIE.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WE WERE HAVING AN ARGUMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'D BE LIKE
TEACHING AT TAFT?
WHAT?
PICTURE THIS.
YOU WALK INTO THE CLASSROOM.
THEY'RE DISSECTING A CAT.
OKAY.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT'S ENGLISH CLASS!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
AND IT'S YOUR CAT!
OH, STOP.
IT'S A TOUGH SCHOOL.
YOU'RE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.
NO.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
REAL FRUSTRATED.
YEAH, YOU MEAN
LIKE AT MY JOB NOW?
YEAH, BUT FOR
A LOT LESS MONEY. LOOK,
I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING HERE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT, UH,
TRAINING DOLPHINS?
HEY.
HEY.
HI.
HI, GUYS.
HI. HAVE YOU HEARD?
YEAH.
MEASURE "C" LOST.
HOW ABOUT A GLASS
OF COMMISERATION?
OF COURSE.
YEAH, IT'S A REAL SHAME
HOW THIS WHOLE THING
PLAYED OUT.
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW,
CAROL?
WELL, TAFT CONTINUES
TO LIMP ALONG,
TEST SCORES DROP,
TEACHERS LEAVE,
AND ON AND ON.
Mike:
IT'S JUST A CHALLENGE.
I DON'T EVEN THINK
MICHELLE PFEIFFER
COULD HANDLE THIS ONE.
OH, DON'T SAY THAT,
MIKE.
IF MOVIES
HAVE TAUGHT US ANYTHING,
IT'S THAT BLACK PEOPLE RELY
ON TOUGH-TALKING WHITE LADIES
TO STEP IN
AND STRAIGHTEN OUT OUR LIVES!
I WAS JUST TELLING MIKE
THAT I'VE DECIDED
TO BECOME A TEACHER,
AND THAT I MIGHT LIKE TO TEACH
AT A PLACE LIKE TAFT.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY?
SEE? NOW YOU'VE GONE
AND UPSET THE LARABEES.
LISTEN, CAROL,
YOU TOLD ME YOU TAUGHT
AT A --
AT A TOUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
IT'S HARD, RIGHT?
WAIT.
YOU'RE NOT IN FAVOR OF THIS?
WELL, VANESSA, GOD BLESS YOU FOR
YOUR COMMITMENT TO OUR YOUTH.
LISTEN, JUST TELL HER
WHAT IT'S LIKE.
DON'T SUGARCOAT IT.
TELL HER WHAT SHE'S UP AGAINST.
WELL, THERE WERE DAYS
WHEN I PULLED INTO THE TEACHER'S
PARKING LOT AND JUST SAT THERE,
RESISTING THE URGE
TO PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE
AND GET AS FAR AWAY
AS I COULD.
YOU SEE THAT? AND THAT SCENE
WASN'T IN "DANGEROUS MINDS."
OKAY, HONEY...
BUT THEN
THERE WAS THAT DAY
WHEN A KID THAT
I WOULD NOT GIVE UP ON,
A KID THAT I-I PUSHED
AND DEMANDED WORK FROM...
WALKED
INTO MY CLASSROOM...
WITH AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER
FROM STANFORD UNIVERSITY...
HE SAID,
"THANK YOU, MRS. LARABEE."
AND THEN HE SHOT YOU.
IT'S NOT EASY.
BUT YOU THINK
I COULD HANDLE IT?
YOU HANDLE HIM.
MIKE,
I'M GONNA DO THIS.
I KNOW YOU ARE.
LET'S OPEN THIS UP
AND CELEBRATE! YES!
HEY, MIKE!
I DON'T NEED THIS.
I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO, NO, SIT BACK DOWN. I --
NOW THAT VANESSA'S
GONNA BE A TEACHER,
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
SHE'S GONNA HAVE TO DO?
NO, WHAT IS IT, LARABEE?
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
JOIN A UNION.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S GOOD.
I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHY I'M GOOD?
BECAUSE --
BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE,
AND I WANT MY WIFE TO BE HAPPY.
WELL, AS A MAN WHO WAS MARRIED
TO A TEACHER FOR YEARS,
I CAN TELL YOU THE HAPPY DAYS
ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, BUT...
YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR THE SILVER
LINING IN THIS THING, BAXTER.
GUYS,
WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
WE ALREADY HEARD THIS.
HOW MUCH OF THAT WINE YOU HAD?
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
I'VE DECIDED
TO GO BACK TO TEACHING, TOO.
I THINK WE FOUND
THAT SILVER LINING.
WELL,
YOUR WISH CAME TRUE.
IS PEYTON MANNING ON THE PHONE
ASKING ME TO PROM?
NO.
MEASURE "C" FAILED.
OH, JUST LIKE
THIS PICTURE YOU'RE DRAWING
OF A DINOSAUR
OR A MOUNTAIN RANGE.
IT'S A BOWL OF FRUIT.
THEN THIS IS ALL
FOR THE BEST.
YEAH.
I GUESS.
[ BAND PLAYING
"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
I GOT IT!
"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED
IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[ SIGHS ]
Both:
TRICK OR TREAT.
REALLY? YOU GUYS COULDN'T EVEN
BE BOTHERED TO WEAR A COSTUME?
YOU GUYS WANT SOMETHING
FROM EVE BAXTER,
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.
THAT'S A GOOD CALL.
TRY TO REMEMBER THAT
ON PROM NIGHT.
WHAT --
WHAT IS THIS COSTUME?
OH.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HOPE SOLO'S MUG SHOT?
IT'S A BIG STEP
FOR EQUALITY IN SPORTS
WHEN A FEMALE ATHLETE FINALLY
GETS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT.
WHEN SHE GETS FIVE GUYS PREGNANT
IN FIVE DIFFERENT CITIES,
THEN SHE'S HIT
THE BIG LEAGUES.
HONEY, UH,
WE ALREADY ATE,
BUT I'LL STAND HERE
WITH YOU
WHILE YOU MAKE YOURSELF
SOMETHING.
NO, THANKS.
RIGHT TO THE SAUCE.
TOUGH DAY?
I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY
TRYING TO NAVIGATE THESE
NEW E.P.A. GUIDELINES ON CARBON.
34,000 PAGES.
WOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF PAPER.
GUESS THE E.P.A. DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT TREES ANYMORE.
SCIENTISTS LIKE ME --
WE'RE NOT THE ENEMY.
WE'RE TRYING TO
FIX THE PROBLEM.
WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS PUT ALL
THE POWER PLANTS IN PAKISTAN...
BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE
ABOUT AIR POLLUTION THERE.
THEIR AIR
COMES IN FLAVORS --
THEY HAVE THE ORIGINAL
AND EXTRA CRISPY.
YOU KNOW, MIKE,
I AM REALLY STARTING TO WONDER
IF THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE
DOING WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.
AT LEAST YOU GOT A LOVING FAMILY
TO COME HOME TO.
YEAH, WHATEVER.
TRICK OR TREAT!
HEY, BOYD.
Kristin:
HEY, HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
WE THOUGHT
WE WOULD BRING BOYD
TO TRICK-OR-TREAT
IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
YEAH, SEE WHAT YOU
ONE-PERCENTERS ARE SHELLING OUT.
THAT'S A GOOD CALL. YOU SAY
"TRICK" IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
YOU GET A GIRL NAMED CANDY.
BOYD, HONEY,
WHAT'S YOUR COSTUME?
OH, HE IS SOMETHING
REALLY SCARY.
Mike: LET'S SEE IT.
MY DADDY SAYS I'M THE SINGLE
BIGGEST THREAT TO LIFE ON EARTH.
A LUMP OF COAL.
I GET IT, YEAH. IT'S --
IT'S 'CAUSE I WORK IN COAL.
I'M DESTROYING
THE PLANET!
I SUPPOSE YOU DROVE OVER HERE
IN YOUR WINDMILL-POWERED CAR?
I'M JUST TRYING TO
RAISE AWARENESS, MAN.
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN ALL THE
COSTUME HAD TO SAY WAS "BOO."
WITH THE ELECTION COMING UP,
WE JUST WANTED HIM
TO WEAR A COSTUME THAT
MADE A STATEMENT -- THAT'S ALL.
WELL, A LITTLE KID
WEARING BLACK AT NIGHT --
THE STATEMENT IS, "WHY DON'T YOU
HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR?"
-- Captions by VITAC --
HEY, MANDY. [ CHUCKLES ]
GLASSES AND A BOOK?
THAT IS OBVIOUSLY
A COSTUME.
U.S. ELECTION
ASSISTANCE COMMISSION?
MM-HMM,
FOR EXTRA CREDIT IN POLI-SCI,
I SIGNED UP TO HELP OUT
AT THE POLLING PLACE ON TUESDAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE.
MANDY IS WORKING THE POLE.
I THINK WE ALL
SAW THIS DAY COMING.
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO
TRICK-OR-TREATING?
I'LL TAKE YOU OUT, SQUIRT.
COME ON.
OH, BUT I GET 20%
OF YOUR HAUL.
WHAT FOR?
PROTECTION.
IT'S DARK OUT HERE, YOU KNOW?
YOU MIGHT FALL DOWN
AND BREAK THOSE PRETTY,
LITTLE TEETH OF YOURS.
SO, YOU'RE GONNA BE
AN ELECTION JUDGE?
THAT'S A --
THAT'S A BIG COMMITMENT.
OH, YES, I HAD TO ATTEND
A TWO-HOUR SEMINAR,
WHICH WAS ACTUALLY
VERY INFORMATIVE...
YEAH?
...BECAUSE I FOUND OUT WHERE
THE INSTRUCTOR GOT HER BOOTS --
NORDSTROM.
HUH, WELL, RYAN AND I
HAVE BEEN REGISTERING VOTERS
OUT IN FRONT
OF WHOLE FOODS.
AHH, THAT'S WHERE
YOU GET GOOD VOTERS --
PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH
TO PAY 16 BUCKS FOR A KUMQUAT.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
WELL, IT IS A MIDTERM ELECTION,
BUT THE STAKES ARE HIGH.
IF THE REPUBLICANS
GET THE SENATE,
OBAMA'S HANDS WILL BE TIED.
HOW WILL HE PLAY GOLF?
AAH! AAH!
HELLO, LITTLE GIRL.
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED AS?
A GUY WHO WAS
WATCHING A HOCKEY GAME
TILL HIS WIFE
SENT HIM OUT FOR MORE CANDY.
"BLACK GUY
THAT LIKES HOCKEY" --
THAT'S THE MOST CREATIVE COSTUME
I'VE SEEN TONIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
I LIKE YOUR COSTUME, TOO --
"NERVOUS WHITE DUDE
WHO'S AFRAID TO LET A BROTHER
INTO HIS HOUSE."
PLEASE COME IN,
CHUCK.
Carol: CHUCK!
HEY, CAROL.
OH, HEY!
Chuck: OHH.
I SENT YOU TO THE STORE
FOR CANDY,
NOT TO MOOCH
OFF THE BAXTERS.
WELL, I WAS HOPING
VANESSA WOULD ANSWER.
NOW I WISH
I'D GONE TO THE STORE.
STILL TIME.
COME ON IN. SIT DOWN.
OH, HEY.
I'LL GET YOU
SOME CANDY.
NO, NO NEED.
I SHUT OFF OUR PORCH LIGHTS.
YOU KNOW, THE COSTUMES
WERE LAME THIS YEAR.
I JUST SAW
A KID DRESSED LIKE A ROCK.
HE IS A LUMP OF COAL, AND THERE
ARE CLEAN WAYS TO BURN HIM,
IF THE E.P.A.
WOULD JUST GET OFF MY ASS!
MY WIFE'S
A LITTLE TENSE TONIGHT.
Chuck: MY WIFE'S TENSE, TOO.
IT --
IT'S THIS ELECTION.
YEAH.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT TILL IT'S OVER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THE ELECTION, I MEAN.
NOT MY MARRIAGE.
ALTHOUGH EITHER ONE
WOULD SOLVE IT.
ON THE SCHOOL BOARD --
UGH --
WE'VE BEEN CAMPAIGNING HARD
FOR MEASURE "C."
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH IT.
OH, AS A CERTIFIED ELECTION
OFFICIAL, I MOST CERTAINLY AM.
SO, MEASURE "C"
IS THE ONE THAT'S BETWEEN
MEASURES "B" AND "D."
SHE'S BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD
ON HER ALPHABET.
SHE USED TO HAVE TO
SING THAT.
MEASURE "C"
IS THE PROPOSAL
TO SHUT DOWN
TAFT HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?
RIGHT, RIGHT.
TAFT IS LARGELY
AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
YEAH, AND LATINO.
THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF "JULIOS"
DOWN BY THAT SCHOOLYARD.
TAFT IS A FAILING SCHOOL.
IF THE SCHOOL BOARD
SHUTS IT DOWN,
WE CAN SEND THE KIDS TO SOME
OF THE MORE SUCCESSFUL SCHOOLS
IN THE DISTRICT,
LIKE WOODBRIDGE.
YEAH, JUST PUSH
THE PROBLEM UP HERE.
IT'S THE LEAF-BLOWER
STRATEGY.
WELL, I THINK
THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
I'M SURE YOU DO.
MIKE, BROWN vs. TOPEKA
WAS 60 YEARS AGO,
AND OUR SCHOOLS ARE STILL AS
SEGREGATED AS THEY WERE IN 1954.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
INTEGRATION? YOU'RE CANADIAN.
YOU GOT, LIKE, ONE BLACK KID
IN THAT WHOLE COUNTRY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
THEY PROBABLY INTEGRATE
BY SENDING HIM TO DIFFERENT
SCHOOLS EVERY YEAR.
[ CHUCKLES ]
PASS HIM AROUND
LIKE THE STANLEY CUP.
[ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH,
BUT THIS PROPOSAL'S ABOUT
GIVING THESE KIDS
AN EQUAL CHANCE.
I'M SURPRISED THE SCHOOL BOARD
IS GIVING UP SO EASY.
'CAUSE YOU COULD JUST SPEND
A LOT MORE MONEY ON THE SCHOOL.
IT WOULD STILL FAIL, BUT THEN
EVERYBODY WOULD BE POOR.
THERE IS NO MORE MONEY,
UNLESS YOU WANT TO PAY
MORE PROPERTY TAXES.
NO.
NO. NO.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
I FIGURED YOU TWO
WOULD AGREE ON THAT ONE.
YOU READY TO HAVE
YOUR OLD NEIGHBORHOOD
COME OUT AND HANG
IN THE NEW NEIGHBORHOOD
AND GET THE OLD GANG TOGETHER --
THE CRIPS, THE BLOODS?
KIWANIS.
I-I'M STRAIGHT OUT OF DENVER,
NOT COMPTON.
THIS -- THIS IS REALLY
CAROL'S AREA.
SHE -- SHE'S THE POLITICIAN
IN THE FAMILY.
YOU'RE THE HOMEOWNER,
AND PROPERTY VALUES ARE DICTATED
BY THE SCHOOLS AROUND THEM.
YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A REALLY COMPLICATED ISSUE.
YOU SEE, ON THE ONE HAND, Y-YOU
WANT TO HELP THE KIDS FROM TAFT.
OKAY.
ON THE OTHER HAND --
THERE IS
NO OTHER HAND.
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO BE CONCERNED
ABOUT OUR PROPERTY VALUE.
THERE'S THE OTHER HAND.
WE'RE BACK.
HEY.
WE SHOULD BE HEADING OUT
ANYWAY, SO...
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
YEAH, GOOD NIGHT.
SEE YOU, BOYD!
WELL, WAIT. WAIT, I WANT TO
SAY GOODBYE TO MY LITTLE
LUMP OF COAL!
OOH!
I'M GONNA SQUEEZE YOU SO HARD,
YOU TURN INTO A DIAMOND. MWAH!
DO YOU EVER
TURN THE GEOLOGY STUFF OFF?
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
NIGHT, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
BE SAFE OUT THERE.
OKAY. WHERE WERE WE?
OH, YEAH.
CHUCK WAS DISRESPECTING CAROL'S
HARD WORK ON MEASURE "C."
WHY DO YOU DO THAT,
BAXTER?
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY OWN HUSBAND
IS AGAINST ME ON THIS.
That's why I do that.
IF THIS MEASURE FAILS,
THERE'S GOT TO BE CUTS
ACROSS THE WHOLE DISTRICT,
PROGRAMS LIKE MUSIC,
THEATER, ART --
W-WAIT. NO MORE ART?
YEAH, I'M AFRAID SO,
HONEY.
YES!
I SUCK AT ART.
IT'S BEEN KILLING MY G.P.A.
EVE, COME ON.
THAT IS SO SELFISH.
I MEAN, YOU GOT TO TRY TO
SEE THE BIG PICTURE HERE.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
HAVE TO DRAW IT.
UH, HONEY, W-WE MOVED
OUT OF THE HOOD.
I'M NOT SURE I LIKE THE IDEA
OF THE HOOD FOLLOWING ME HERE.
I DON'T MIND
THE HOOD FOLLOWING ME
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
WHITE AND POINTY.
GOOD NIGHT,
MIKE AND VANESSA.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
CAROL.
CHUCK, I'LL GET YOU
A SLEEPING BAG
SO YOU CAN KEEP A REAL GOOD EYE
ON YOUR PROPERTY VALUE TONIGHT.
OH, MAN. YOU SHOULD HAVE
GONE TO THE STORE.
THE YEKEKIANS WERE GIVING AWAY
THOSE FIG-AND-NUT BARS AGAIN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THE KIDS ARE
THROWING THEM IN THE BUSHES.
WELL, IF IT'S NOT PURE SUGAR,
THE KIDS JUST TOSS IT.
I KNOW.
RAISINS, ORANGE SLICES,
APPLES.
MICHELLE OBAMA'S DREAM
FOR AMERICAN LUNCHES
IS RIGHT HERE
IN OUR FRONT YARD.
STUPID RYAN. GOSH.
A LUMP OF COAL THIS SIZE COULD
POWER A HOME FOR THREE DAYS.
AND LEAVE THE AIR A LOT CLEANER
THAN THOSE KIDS LEFT OUR YARD.
WELL, LET'S NOT PUT IT AWAY.
WHAT WE'LL DO IS
WE'LL PUT IT IN RYAN'S STOCKING
FOR CHRISTMAS.
HOW DID I
BECOME THE BAD GUY?
WHEN I STARTED COLLEGE,
I-I WAS AN IDEALIST.
I-I WANTED A CAREER WHERE I'D
MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
I MEAN, SO, OF COURSE,
I PICKED GEOLOGY.
WELL, THAT WAS
MOTHER TERESA'S MINOR.
HONEY,
DON'T LET CLOWNS LIKE RYAN
GET INTO YOUR HEAD
AND RUIN YOUR LOVE OF ROCKS.
HONEY,
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE ROCKS.
YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT [SIGHS] I'M BARELY
DOING SCIENCE AT MY JOB ANYMORE.
I'M JUST -- I'M SO BURIED
IN PAPERWORK.
PAPER'S STRONGER THAN ROCK.
NOW YOU JUST NEED SCISSORS.
I'M JUST SO TIRED
OF ARGUING WITH PEOPLE --
MY BOSSES, THE E.P.A.
REALLY,
ALL I THINK ABOUT LATELY...
IS QUITTING MY JOB.
IF YOU'RE TIRED
OF ARGUING WITH PEOPLE,
YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
TOLD ME THAT.
COME ON. WE --
WE DON'T NEED THE MONEY.
UH,
IT DOES BUY HAPPINESS.
YEAH, BUT SOMETHING'S
GOT TO CHANGE.
I-I MEAN, IF I'M NOT GONNA GET
A SECOND HUSBAND [CHUCKLES]
I MIGHT NEED
A SECOND CAREER.
WELL, IT'S A BIG DECISION.
IT'S YOUR DECISION.
WHATEVER YOU DO,
I'LL SUPPORT YOU.
REALLY?
YEAH, I'LL HAVE TO.
WE'LL ONLY HAVE ONE INCOME.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
HEY, MR. ALZATE.
YEAH.
UH, I NEED SOME TIME OFF TODAY
TO GO TO THE POLLS.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
YOU HAVE SOME BIG CHOICES.
YOU VOTING FOR HICKENLOOPER?
UH, NICE TRY, BUT, NO, I WON'T
BE VOTING FOR HICKENLOOPER.
I'LL BE VOTING
FOR A REAL PERSON.
NO, HE IS REAL, KYLE.
HE'S OUR GOVERNOR.
RIGHT,
THE GOVERNOR OF FLOOBERTOWN,
WHERE
I BUY MY GLOOMPIES!
I'M SO GLAD
I DID TWO TOURS IN VIETNAM
TO PROTECT
YOUR SACRED RIGHT TO VOTE.
TAKE AN EXTRA HOUR
AT LUNCH.
THANKS. I'M DRIVING MY GRANDMA
ON MY MOTORCYCLE.
AND I HAVE TO GO SLOW.
SHE'S AN OLDER WOMAN.
IT'S TOUGH HOLDING ON.
OH, NO,
SHE'S STRONG AS AN OX.
WHEN SHE PUTS HER ARMS
AROUND ME,
I-I KEEP HAVING TO
SWAT HER HANDS.
SOMETIMES SHE FORGETS
I'M HER GRANDSON.
THANKS, MR. ALZATE.
MORNING, MR. B.
MORNING.
OH, MIKEY, WOMEN GET STRANGER
AS THEY GET OLDER.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
MY WIFE JUST LAID THIS ON ME.
SHE WANTS TO
QUIT HER JOB.
COME ON.
YEAH.
REALLY? I WOULDN'T
HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.
I THOUGHT SHE LOVED
WORKING WITH DOLPHINS.
MY WIFE'S A GEOLOGIST.
OH.
SHE'S JUST TIRED
OF GETTING BULLIED AROUND
BY THE ENVIRONMENTALISTS.
SHE WAS BETTER OFF
WITH DOLPHINS.
ALL RIGHT, MY ADVICE -- URGE
VANESSA TO FIND A NEW JOB FIRST.
JUST STALL THIS THING.
AND WHO KNOWS?
SHE EVEN MAY GO BACK
TO TEACHING FISH
HOW TO JUMP
THROUGH HOOPS.
OR SHE COULD
BECOME A GEOLOGIST.
ANOTHER GOOD CAREER.
THANKS FOR VOTING!
COME AGAIN!
BUT NOT TODAY,
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL.
SO DON'T COME AGAIN UNTIL THE
NEXT TIME THAT WE ELECT THINGS.
UH...
[ CHUCKLES ]
HEY, I HOPE
YOU'RE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.
UM, YEAH.
DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE.
I TOOK AN OATH.
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
ALSO,
I FORGOT MY EARBUDS.
[ GROANS ]
KIND OF A SAD TURNOUT.
THINK IT'S TIME TO BUST OUT
THE OTHER KIND OF POLE, HMM?
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IT'S MY SCHOOL.
I STOPPED BY AFTER PRACTICE.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW,
UH, MEASURE C's DOING?
I CAN'T ANSWER
THAT QUESTION.
THAT'S GOT TO BE
THE MILLIONTH TIME
YOU'VE SAID THAT
IN A CLASSROOM.
I'M SURPRISED
BALLOONS DIDN'T FALL.
[ LAUGHS ]
LISTEN, I JUST
REALLY NEED TO KNOW
THAT MEASURE "C" IS TANKING,
OKAY? ART MUST DIE.
WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS
WHO WOULD BENEFIT?
I'M NOT BLOWING
MY SHOT AT WEST POINT
JUST 'CAUSE
I CAN'T DRAW A HORSE.
I MEAN,
WHO HAS LEGS LIKE THAT?
UH, WHAT?
SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS
MEASURE "C"
WILL WRECK THE ECONOMY?!
WHAT?!
HEY, NO.
NO ELECTIONEERING AT THE POLLS.
TELL HER.
DO YOUR JOB.
I-I'M GOING.
I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING
THAT MEASURE "C"
IS BACKED BY ISIS!
OKAY, DEMOCRACY
IS NO JOKE, MANDY.
THESE RULES MUST BE ENFORCED.
CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY BALLOT?
ACTUALLY...NO.
YOU DON'T LIVE
IN THIS DISTRICT.
WHAT? UH...
NO, BUT MY NAME
IS STILL ON THE VOTER ROLLS.
"KRISTIN BAXTER,"
R-RIGHT THERE.
AT MOM AND DAD'S ADDRESS,
WHERE YOU DON'T LIVE ANYMORE.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING.
DEMOCRACY'S NO JOKE,
KRISTIN.
OH, COME ON.
I AM YOUR SISTER.
YEAH, THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA HAS NO SISTER.
MAYBE ENGLAND.
NO, THAT'S REALLY MORE LIKE
OUR GAY COUSIN, ACTUALLY.
YOU HAVE TO GO VOTE
IN YOUR OWN DISTRICT.
WHAT? BUT THE POLLS
ARE ABOUT TO CLOSE.
DON'T MAKE ME CALL SECURITY.
IT'S THAT WEIRD CROSSING GUARD
WHO LIKES TO STARE AT MY FEET.
[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
MM-HMM, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THAT IS HOW YOU WORK A POLL!
YES! WHOO!
I AM SO SORRY.
I'M JUST HEARING IT NOW
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I'M SO SORRY.
[ INSTRUMENTS PLAYING ]
HEY, EVE.
OH, HEY, CAMMY.
SORRY.
UM, CAN YOU TEACH ME
HOW TO DRAW A HORSE?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
I'D HAVE TO SEE THE HORSE FIRST.
[ SIGHS ]
MINE ALWAYS END UP
LOOKING LIKE DOGS ON STILTS.
LET'S JUST HOPE
MEASURE "C" FAILS
AND KILLS THE ARTS PROGRAM,
RIGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
UH, WAIT.
UM, ISN'T MUSIC AN ART?
UM...NOT THE WAY
THE SCHOOL BAND DOES IT.
BUT I NEED SCHOOL BAND.
I'M COUNTING ON AN OBOE
SCHOLARSHIP FOR COLLEGE.
I THOUGHT
THAT WAS SAD ENOUGH,
AND NOW
I MIGHT NOT EVEN GET THAT?
OOH,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
ANY CHANCE THEY'D CANCEL
FOOTBALL INSTEAD?
[ Chuckling ] UH...
I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
ON THAT THING TOO HARD.
HOW DID IT GO
AT THE POLLS?
WHEW. WELL, EVE WILL BE HAPPY.
MEASURE "C" LOST.
OHH.
UM, AND SO DID...
[ HUMS "THE ALPHABET SONG" ]
♪ "E," "F," AND "G" ♪
WHAT A SHAME. WOW. THOSE KIDS
WILL HAVE TO STAY AT TAFT.
HMM.
YEAH. ELECTION DAY IS,
LIKE, THE ONLY DAY
SOME OF THESE OLD PEOPLE
GET OUT OF THEIR HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE
THEY'VE GOT FOUR YEARS
OF BOTTLED-UP STUFF
TO TALK ABOUT.
GUESS WHO'S IN
THAT LINE OF FIRE.
SORRY, I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE
NICE TO DROP BY AND CATCH UP.
OH, NOT YOU, MOM. I'M TALKING
ABOUT THE SAD PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, THE ONES
WHO TALK ABOUT, LIKE,
WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE
WITH THEIR LIVES,
BUT THEY DIDN'T,
AND NOW IT'S TOO LATE.
BUT YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT.
HI, HONEY.
HEY. HI. HOW, UH --
HOW WAS WORK?
JOBS ARE GREAT.
VERY FULFILLING.
REALLY? DID SOMEBODY COME IN
AND BUY ALL YOUR GUNS?
IF SO, YOU MIGHT
WANT TO TELL THE AUTHORITIES.
JUST GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE
A JOB THAT I LOVE.
AND I KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS
NOT TO HAVE THAT.
I APPRECIATE
YOU SAYING THAT, MIKE.
AND IF YOU WANT TO QUIT,
I'M BEHIND YOU.
THANK YOU.
BUT I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY ONE THING.
OH, BOY. OKAY.
I-I DON'T THINK THAT YOU SHOULD,
UH, GIVE THEM NOTICE
TILL YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE,
YOU KNOW?
YOU SHOULDN'T
LET GO OF ONE THING
TILL YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER
TO GRAB ONTO.
IT'S LIKE ROCK-CLIMBING
OR WIVES.
I AGREE. I SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING
AWAY FROM SOMETHING,
BUT RUNNING TO SOMETHING,
SOMETHING I REALLY,
REALLY CARE ABOUT.
AND THERE'S REALLY
NO HURRY.
I MEAN, YOU CAN DO IT
ANYTIME YOU WANT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING.
DIDN'T TAKE MUCH TIME.
I WANT TO TEACH.
I LIKE THAT A LOT.
THAT MEANS I COULD SLEEP WITH
A COLLEGE PROFESSOR...AGAIN.
MAYBE THIS TIME,
IT'LL IMPROVE MY GRADE A LITTLE.
ACTUALLY,
I WANT TO TEACH
AT A PLACE
THAT I CAN DO A LOT OF GOOD.
I LIKE THAT IDEA. IT'S GREAT.
I WANT TO TEACH SCIENCE
AT A PLACE THAT REALLY NEEDS ME.
GOOD.
YEAH, LIKE TAFT.
Y-YEAH, YEAH. THAT...
WHAT, UH --
W-WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S, UH --
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE'S WIFE,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
NO, TAFT IS A PLACE
WHERE A TEACHER
CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
YOU KNOW, L-LIKE
IN "DANGEROUS MINDS."
OH, YOU ARE NOT GONNA
WIN THIS ARGUMENT
BY CITING THE LEAST SEXY
MICHELLE PFEIFFER MOVIE.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WE WERE HAVING AN ARGUMENT.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'D BE LIKE
TEACHING AT TAFT?
WHAT?
PICTURE THIS.
YOU WALK INTO THE CLASSROOM.
THEY'RE DISSECTING A CAT.
OKAY.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT'S ENGLISH CLASS!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
AND IT'S YOUR CAT!
OH, STOP.
IT'S A TOUGH SCHOOL.
YOU'RE GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.
NO.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
REAL FRUSTRATED.
YEAH, YOU MEAN
LIKE AT MY JOB NOW?
YEAH, BUT FOR
A LOT LESS MONEY. LOOK,
I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING HERE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT, UH,
TRAINING DOLPHINS?
HEY.
HEY.
HI.
HI, GUYS.
HI. HAVE YOU HEARD?
YEAH.
MEASURE "C" LOST.
HOW ABOUT A GLASS
OF COMMISERATION?
OF COURSE.
YEAH, IT'S A REAL SHAME
HOW THIS WHOLE THING
PLAYED OUT.
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW,
CAROL?
WELL, TAFT CONTINUES
TO LIMP ALONG,
TEST SCORES DROP,
TEACHERS LEAVE,
AND ON AND ON.
Mike:
IT'S JUST A CHALLENGE.
I DON'T EVEN THINK
MICHELLE PFEIFFER
COULD HANDLE THIS ONE.
OH, DON'T SAY THAT,
MIKE.
IF MOVIES
HAVE TAUGHT US ANYTHING,
IT'S THAT BLACK PEOPLE RELY
ON TOUGH-TALKING WHITE LADIES
TO STEP IN
AND STRAIGHTEN OUT OUR LIVES!
I WAS JUST TELLING MIKE
THAT I'VE DECIDED
TO BECOME A TEACHER,
AND THAT I MIGHT LIKE TO TEACH
AT A PLACE LIKE TAFT.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
SERIOUSLY?
SERIOUSLY?
SEE? NOW YOU'VE GONE
AND UPSET THE LARABEES.
LISTEN, CAROL,
YOU TOLD ME YOU TAUGHT
AT A --
AT A TOUGH HIGH SCHOOL.
IT'S HARD, RIGHT?
WAIT.
YOU'RE NOT IN FAVOR OF THIS?
WELL, VANESSA, GOD BLESS YOU FOR
YOUR COMMITMENT TO OUR YOUTH.
LISTEN, JUST TELL HER
WHAT IT'S LIKE.
DON'T SUGARCOAT IT.
TELL HER WHAT SHE'S UP AGAINST.
WELL, THERE WERE DAYS
WHEN I PULLED INTO THE TEACHER'S
PARKING LOT AND JUST SAT THERE,
RESISTING THE URGE
TO PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE
AND GET AS FAR AWAY
AS I COULD.
YOU SEE THAT? AND THAT SCENE
WASN'T IN "DANGEROUS MINDS."
OKAY, HONEY...
BUT THEN
THERE WAS THAT DAY
WHEN A KID THAT
I WOULD NOT GIVE UP ON,
A KID THAT I-I PUSHED
AND DEMANDED WORK FROM...
WALKED
INTO MY CLASSROOM...
WITH AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER
FROM STANFORD UNIVERSITY...
HE SAID,
"THANK YOU, MRS. LARABEE."
AND THEN HE SHOT YOU.
IT'S NOT EASY.
BUT YOU THINK
I COULD HANDLE IT?
YOU HANDLE HIM.
MIKE,
I'M GONNA DO THIS.
I KNOW YOU ARE.
LET'S OPEN THIS UP
AND CELEBRATE! YES!
HEY, MIKE!
I DON'T NEED THIS.
I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO, NO, SIT BACK DOWN. I --
NOW THAT VANESSA'S
GONNA BE A TEACHER,
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
SHE'S GONNA HAVE TO DO?
NO, WHAT IS IT, LARABEE?
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
JOIN A UNION.
IT'S OKAY. IT'S GOOD.
I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHY I'M GOOD?
BECAUSE --
BECAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE,
AND I WANT MY WIFE TO BE HAPPY.
WELL, AS A MAN WHO WAS MARRIED
TO A TEACHER FOR YEARS,
I CAN TELL YOU THE HAPPY DAYS
ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN, BUT...
YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR THE SILVER
LINING IN THIS THING, BAXTER.
GUYS,
WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
WE ALREADY HEARD THIS.
HOW MUCH OF THAT WINE YOU HAD?
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
I'VE DECIDED
TO GO BACK TO TEACHING, TOO.
I THINK WE FOUND
THAT SILVER LINING.
WELL,
YOUR WISH CAME TRUE.
IS PEYTON MANNING ON THE PHONE
ASKING ME TO PROM?
NO.
MEASURE "C" FAILED.
OH, JUST LIKE
THIS PICTURE YOU'RE DRAWING
OF A DINOSAUR
OR A MOUNTAIN RANGE.
IT'S A BOWL OF FRUIT.
THEN THIS IS ALL
FOR THE BEST.
YEAH.
I GUESS.
[ BAND PLAYING
"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]