Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Sinkhole - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
WAS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

OKAY, WHAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE
DO WE WANT TO RETIRE?

RUTH BADER GINSBERG.

NICE, AND WHAT ARE
THE FIVE JUSTICES

THAT WE WANT TO STAY ON
FOREVER?

DON'T TELL ME.
I KNOW THIS ONE.

A LITTLE HINT. REMEMBER?
THE STAR METHOD -- S.T.A.R.

WHO ARE THE STARS
OF THE SUPREME COURT?

SCALIA, THOMAS, ALITO,
AND ROBERTS.

SOMETIMES KENNEDY WHEN
HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO THE LADIES,



WHICH IS A TRICK
YOU'LL LEARN

WHEN YOU GET
A LITTLE OLDER, RIGHT?

WHAT IS THAT UP THERE?

GRANDPA, LOOK OUT!

OH, MAN. ARE YOU GOOD?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ SIGHS ] YES.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
IT'S ALL GOOD.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

GET BACK IN THERE.
SIT BACK DOWN.

OKAY. LISTEN.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

YES, EXCEPT FOR WHEN YOU
KARATE-CHOPPED ME IN THE CHEST.

I HAD TO KEEP YOUR BIG NUGGET
FROM LEANING FORWARD.

IT MIGHT HAVE TIPPED US

RIGHT INTO
THAT BIG HOLE OVER THERE.



THAT'S
A REALLY BIG HOLE.

IT SURE IS. WE FALL IN THERE,
WE GO RIGHT TO CHINA.

I'D BE A COMMUNIST. YOU'D
BE MAKING SNEAKERS SOMEWHERE.

HOLD ON HERE A SECOND.

WOMAN:
911. What's your emergency?

UH...WELL, WE'D LIKE TO REPORT
A -- A MISSING HIGHWAY.

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ TV CHATTER ]
OH, HEY.

THEY GET TO THE REPORT
ON THE SINKHOLE YET?

NO. [ SIGHS ]
STILL ON THE MIDDLE EAST.

ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD

WHERE WE'RE KICKING ASS
AND TAKING NAMES.
[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S FUNNY -- ONE THING
WE KNOW ABOUT THESE TERRORISTS,

THEY SURE LOVE
THE MONKEY BARS.

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT HERE. RIGHT THERE.
THERE'S THE SINKHOLE.
OH.

LOOK AT THIS THING.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S HUGE.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH.

HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
HOW BIG IT WAS?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.
MY EYES WERE CLOSED.

I WAS SCREAMING
WHEN I GOT UP TO IT.

THAT COVER COLLAPSE
IS PRETTY LARGE FOR THIS AREA.

I HOPE THEY'VE TAKEN
A MONTMORILLONITE SAMPLE

FROM THE EPIKARST.
RIGHT.

WE GET IT --
YOU'RE A GEOLOGIST.

AND YET THERE'S A 50/50 CHANCE
SHE'S MAKING THOSE TERMS UP.

OH, HA HA HA.
WE WOULDN'T KNOW.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GUYS
DIDN'T GO FLYING OFF THE EDGE

LIKE THE END
OF "THELMA AND LOUISE," DAD.

PHEW!

I ACTUALLY CRIED
AT THE END OF THAT.

WHAT A SHAME WHAT THEY DID
TO THAT T-BIRD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT
MORE SHAKEN UP ABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, LOOK.
YOU COULD HAVE DIED.
I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'M KIND OF USED TO CHEATING
THE OLD GRIM REAPER.

REMEMBER THAT TIME I SLIPPED
ROCK CLIMBING IN CHILE,

CAPSIZED THAT BOAT IN
THOSE CLASS-4 RAPIDS IN OREGON,

AND ROOTING FOR THE BRONCOS
AT A BAR IN OAKLAND.

MM. WELL...

I'LL TELL YOU,
IF IT HAPPENED TO ME,

I'D BE HALFWAY THROUGH
A BOTTLE OF WINE RIGHT NOW.

SO, THIS HAPPENS TO YOU
EVERY NIGHT ABOUT 8:00?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HEY, YOU WANT ANOTHER CHANCE
TO CHEAT THE REAPER? HMM?

WHY DON'T COME AT ME
AFTER 8:00?
OKAY.

YOU'RE A LITTLE WOBBLY.
[ CHUCKLES ]

I CANNOT BELIEVE THE TRAFFIC
GETTING HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

IS PRESIDENT OBAMA
IN TOWN AGAIN.

NO. THAT WOULD BE
ANOTHER KIND OF DISASTER.

THERE WAS A SINKHOLE
ON ROUTE 93.

IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS.

THE NEWS? YEAH, SORRY!

IF IT'S NOT TRENDING ON TWITTER,
IT DOESN'T EXIST.

OH, MY GOD!
SINKHOLE IN DENVER.

[ CHUCKLES ]
SOMEBODY MADE A FUNNY VINE

OF, LIKE, A TRUCK FLYING
IN AND OUT OF IT.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE IT.

BOYD? BUDDY?

MIKE, WHERE'S BOYD?
OH, MY GOD, IS HE --

Mike: GUYS, HE'S FINE.

BOYD, MY BABY!
THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY. OH.

OH, MOMMY AND DADDY
LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, BUDDY.
SO MUCH!

OH, THIS REMINDS ME
OF THAT TIME

I ALMOST GOT CRUSHED
BY AN ANACONDA.

GRANDPA SAVED ME.
OH, YEAH?
GOOD KID.

GO GET YOUR STUFF,
ALL RIGHT, BUDDY?
YEAH.

MIKE.
YEAH.

YOU SAVED
MY SON'S LIFE TODAY.

OH. OHH!
BUT WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING ME?

WHY DO --
WHY THIS? WHY THIS?

OKAY. JUST ACCEPT IT, OKAY?
HE'S GRATEFUL.

WE BOTH ARE.

OH, AND, UH, VANESSA, WE HAVE TO
THANK YOU FOR TODAY, TOO.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE,
BUT I WASN'T EVEN THERE.

OH, NO, THE REASON THAT BOYD
WAS IN ANY DANGER AT ALL

WAS BECAUSE OF
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

GRANDMOTHERS?

RYAN, WHAT DID WE TALK ABOUT
ON THE RIDE OVER HERE, HUH?

UH, THE FACT THAT PAXON ENERGY,
YOUR COMPANY,

HAS BEEN DRILLING
ALL OVER THAT AREA,

AND THERE IS
MOUNTING EVIDENCE

THAT FRACKING
LEADS TO SINKHOLES.

[ SIGHS ] BUT MOSTLY,

WE TALKED ABOUT
YOU NOT BRINGING THAT UP.

HER COMPANY
ALMOST KILLED OUR SON!

WHAT?! OH, COME ON!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAY OUT OF LINE THERE,

BLAMING PAXON OIL FOR THIS
OR VANESSA.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

THEY NEVER LISTEN TO HER
DOWN THERE.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY DO A LITTLE
BETTER THERE THAN I DO HERE.

LOOK, RYAN,
COVER-COLLAPSE DEPRESSIONS

ARE NATURALLY OCCURRING
EVENTS.

THEY HAVE EXISTED
FOREVER.

SHE'S RIGHT,

AND BEFORE YOU CRYING LIBERALS
GOT INVOLVED IN IT,

THAT WAS JUST NATURE'S...
FREE SWIMMING POOLS.

OKAY, BUT SINKHOLES
HAVE INCREASED EXPONENTIALLY,

AND NOW THEY'RE
OPENING UP EVERYWHERE.

NO, NO, YOU'RE CONFUSING
SINKHOLES WITH WEED STORES.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.
MAYBE.

OR MAYBE BOYD
SHOULD HEAR THE TRUTH

ABOUT THE WORLD
THAT HE IS GOING TO INHERIT.

WHY DON'T WE HEAR YOUR VERSION
OF THE TRUTH, RYAN?

WHAT -- WHAT DO THEY CALL IT
IN RUSSIA -- PRAVDA?

LOOK, LOOK, RYAN,
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE

LINKING SINKHOLES
TO FRACKING.

SURE,
OF COURSE THERE'S NOT

BECAUSE YOU WORK
FOR BIG ENERGY...

NO! I JUST MEANT THAT --
...AND THEY'RE
IN THE BUSINESS

OF PICKING AND CHOOSING
THEIR SCIENCE

TO PROTECT THEIR PROFITS.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR SCIENCE --
DR. BILL MAHER?

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR SCIENCE --
DR. BILL O'REILLY?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S NOT TURN THIS INTO
A BILL-MEASURING CONTEST.

WHY DON'T WE?

'CAUSE MY BILL IS A LOT BIGGER
THAN YOUR BILL.

OKAY, HONEY --

WHY EVEN ARGUE, OKAY?
YOU CAN'T SETTLE ANYTHING.

EVERYONE HAS
THEIR OWN SET OF FACTS

AND A CABLE CHANNEL TO BACK UP
THE OPINION THAT HE ALREADY HAS.

OKAY? NO WONDER NOBODY KNOWS
WHO'S RIGHT AND WHO'S WRONG.

I KNOW WHO'S WRONG --
HE'S WRONG.

OKAY, WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER CONSEQUENCES

OF PUMPING CHEMICALS
INTO THE EARTH?

YOU MEAN LIKE
LIGHTING AND HEATING OUR HOMES?

UH, NO,
LIKE EARTHQUAKES...
RYAN...

...METHANE RELEASED
INTO THE ATMOSPHERE --

BIRD FARTS?

FIRE COMING OUT OF THE FAUCETS
LIKE DRAGON'S BREATH.

"FIRE OUT OF THE FAUCETS"?

OH, NO, HONEY.
NO, IT'S FINE.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

WE SHOULD ALL
BE SCARED, MIKE.

OUR WORLD
IS A TICKING TIME BOMB.

YOU'RE
A TICKING TIME BOMB.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.

LET'S GO, SWEETIE.
I DON'T WANT TO
GO OUT THERE.

WHAT IF THERE'S
ANOTHER SINKHOLE?
OH, NO.

BUDDY, IT IS SILLY TO BE SCARED
OF GOING OUTSIDE, OKAY?
YEAH, OF COURSE.

ANOTHER SINKHOLE
COULD JUST AS EASILY

OPEN UP RIGHT HERE
IN THIS ROOM.

OHH.
WHAT?

UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU JUST TERRIFIED OUR SON.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA --
WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS

AND TELL HIM ABOUT THE MONSTERS
UNDER HIS BED,

'CAUSE HE'S GOT TO KNOW
THE TRUTH, RIGHT, COMRADE?

THANK YOU, SINKHOLE.
[ SMOOCHES ]

YES, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
A NATURAL DISASTER

TO BRING OUT
THE PREPPIES, HUH?

PREPPERS.

PREPPIES WEAR CARDIGANS
AROUND THEIR NECK.

PREPPERS WEAR
THE GOAT THEY JUST SHOT FOR MEAT

AROUND THEIR NECK.

EITHER WAY, WE'RE MOVING

A LOT OF FLASHLIGHTS
AND SURVIVAL FOOD.

I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE NOT SELLING THEM GUNS.

WHAT GOOD'S A FLASHLIGHT

WHEN THE HORDES
ARE BANGING DOWN YOUR DOOR

TO GET YOUR FREEZE-DRIED...
"KIWI COMPOTE"?

YOU'VE GOT
A WELL-STOCKED SHELTER

IN YOUR BASEMENT,
DON'T YOU, MIKE?

OH, DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT, MAN.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
BUT WHEN THE END COMES,

YOU'RE JUST 160 POUNDS
OF PROTEIN TO ME.

WELL, WE'RE, UH,
BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE THEN.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

LISTEN, PEOPLE ARE JUST
OVERREACTING TO THIS STUFF.

IT'S A SINKHOLE.
IT'S NOT THE END OF TIME.

NOPE. MY PASTOR TOLD US THAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN ON MARCH 13th.

MARCH 13th? THAT MEANS WE AVOID
PAYING TAXES IN APRIL!

GET YOUR CONGREGATION
OVER HERE.

I'LL GET THEM
THROUGH THE APOCALYPSE.

AND WITH
THIS WATER PURIFIER,

THEY CAN DRINK
THEIR OWN PEE, HMM?

OR RIVER WATER
OR LAKE WATER.

BUT BY ALL MEANS,
USE THE PEE AS A SELLING POINT.

THIS IS JUST
FEAR-MONGERING,

AND I DON'T APPRECIATE IT,
YOU KNOW?

BOYD'S DAD WAS OVER
LAST NIGHT,

GOT THE KID ALL WHIPPED UP
OVER SOME ENVIRONMENTAL STUFF.

THE KID WOULDN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE.
SLEPT AT THE FOOT OF MY BED.

NO, YOU CAN'T INDULGE YOUR CHILD
IN THOSE FEARS.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT.

HE WAS WARM DOWN THERE,

AND MY WIFE'S FEET ARE LIKE
THE POLAR ICE CAPS.

WHICH SCIENTISTS SAY
ARE MELTING. [ CHUCKLES ]

I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED A LINK
ON GLOBAL WARMING.

I THOUGHT IT SAID
"GERBIL WARMING."

WHAT'S THE SCIENTISTS' POSITION
ON GERBIL WARMING?

[ SIGHS ]

THOSE WEBSITES
ARE DISTURBING.

THERE'S GOT TO BE BETTER WAYS
TO WARM A GERBIL.

IN MY DAY, KIDS WERE NOT
ALLOWED TO BE AFRAID.

I REMEMBER ONCE I TOLD MY DAD
I WAS SCARED OF LIGHTNING.

RIGHT.
YEAH, NEXT TIME
THERE WAS A STORM,

HE MADE ME STAND
IN THE BACKYARD...

WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL.

THE REST OF THE STORY'S
A LITTLE FUZZY, BUT...

I THINK WE FOUND ANOTHER WAY
TO WARM UP A GERBIL.

[ TV CHATTER ]

DIDN'T YOU ALREADY WATCH
THIS EPISODE?

IT'S THE NEWS.

IT'S DIFFERENT
EVERY NIGHT.

SAD PLACES, SAD PEOPLE --
LOOKS LIKE A RERUN TO ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, STICK AROUND. YOU'LL LEARN
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WORLD.

I KNOW
ALL ABOUT THE WORLD.

I WAS ALREADY IN IT

WHILE YOU WERE STILL BUSY
RUINING MOM'S BODY. [ CHUCKLES ]

UM...WHO'S
THE SECRETARY OF STATE?

OH,
THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION.

WHICH STATE?
[ SMACKS LIPS ]

SEE, YOU GUYS
ALL WATCH THE NEWS,

YOU GET ALL ANGRY
AND STRESSED-OUT.

POP QUIZ -- OF EVERYBODY
IN THIS FAMILY,

WHO'S THE HAPPIEST
AND THE LEAST STRESSED?

AND YOU CAN'T SAY
THE DOG.

MM-HMM. IT'S ME.

THIS FACE WILL NEVER SEE
A WORRY WRINKLE,

WHICH WOULD
MAKE ME SMILE,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BECAUSE,
DUH, SMILE LINES.

SO, YOUR PLAN
IS TO BE CLUELESS?

"IGNORANCE IS BLISS" --
THOMAS GRAY

IN HIS "ODE ON A DISTANT
PROSPECT OF ETON COLLEGE."

YOU GET THOSE QUOTE-OF-THE-DAY
E-MAILS, DON'T YOU?

IF YOU KNOW
THE RIGHT THINGS,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KNOW EVERYTHING.

OH, FOR INSTANCE, THAT WHOLE,
LIKE, SECRETARY THINGY,

THEY ACTUALLY DON'T CALL THEM
SECRETARIES ANYMORE.

THEY REALLY PREFER
"FLIGHT ATTENDANT." JUST SAYING.

HEY, BUDDY.

NO!

BOYD! WHERE --
WHERE'S BOYD?

SOMETHING SHORT AND HALF-NAKED
JUST RAN DOWNSTAIRS.

MANDY'S HERE, SO...
I GUESS IT WAS BOYD.

[ SIGHS ]

I TOLD HIM
I'D RUN HIM A BATH,

BUT THEN HE GOT SCARED

THAT DRAGON FIRE WOULD
COME OUT OF THE FAUCET.

I'M SORRY.
IS THAT ACTUALLY A THING?

'CAUSE I WOULD FROWN,

BUT THAT'S EVEN WORSE
THAN SMILE LINES, SO...

BOYD! HEY, COME ON!
LET ME IN!

THIS ISN'T SAFE.

Boyd: GRANDPA SAID
THE BOMB SHELTER'S

THE SAFEST PLACE
IN THE HOUSE!

HONEY, PLEASE.
PLEASE LET ME IN.

GRANDPA ALSO SAID
PEOPLE WOULD BEG TO BE LET IN.

KID'S GOT A POINT.

JOE BIDEN WISHES HIS BUNKER
WAS AS NICE AS OURS.

THAT'S THE VICE PRESIDENT,
MANDY.
MM.

OKAY. I KNOW
WHO JOE BIDEN IS, OKAY?

HE'S BARACK OBAMA'S GAYLE.

MOM [SCOFFS] ALL OF
MY SEWING STUFF IS IN THERE.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
MAKE MY CLOTHES?

HEY! DON'T TOUCH
ANY OF MY STUFF!

LET'S NOT PANIC, OKAY?

YEAH, SOMEHOW,
WE'LL ALL HAVE TO PULL TOGETHER

AND SURVIVE
THE GREAT ROMPER FAMINE OF 2014.

LOOK,
HE'LL GET HUNGRY AND COLD.

SOONER OR LATER,
HE'LL OPEN THE DOOR.

MM, I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S ENOUGH FABRIC
AND FREEZE-DRIED FOOD IN THERE

TO KEEP HIM WARM AND FED
THROUGH MIDDLE SCHOOL.

GREAT --
HE'S GONNA GO THROUGH PUBERTY,

AND I HAVE MANNEQUINS
IN THERE.

WHAT?

WHOA,
DON'T YOU LOOK GOOD?

AH, YEAH, THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]
HI, HONEY.

I WAS ACTUALLY
TALKING TO THE COOKIES.

THEY'RE FOR BOYD.

OOH. WHY IS BOYD
STILL HERE?

WELL, HE SPENT THE DAY
LOCKED IN THE BOMB SHELTER.

SOMEBODY TOLD HIM IT'S
THE SAFEST PLACE IN THE HOUSE.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST GO GET HIM?

WELL,
I'M WORKING ON IT.

I WAS HOPING
TO DRAW HIM OUT

WITH THE SMELL
OF FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES.

THAT'S HOW
THEY LURED SADDAM HUSSEIN

OUT OF THAT SPIDER HOLE.

I'LL GO GET HIM.

WELL, I DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANY HURRY.

THE SCRATCHING ON THE DOOR
STOPPED 20 MINUTES AGO.

HEY, YOU'RE
WASTING YOUR TIME.

I HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM
TO OPEN THAT DOOR ALL DAY.

BOYD, OPEN THE DOOR.

YEAH, HE PROBABLY SMELLED COOKIE
ON YOUR BREATH.

COME ON OUT OF THERE.

DON'T MAKE ME DRAG YOU
UP THE STAIRS.

WHY? DOES YOUR BACK
HURT AGAIN?

YEAH. IT'S 6:00 --
EVERYTHING HURTS.

SO, GET OUT OF THERE.
COME ON.

WHAT DO GOT ON?

THERE WAS A BUNCH OF THEM.
IT WAS COLD.

DOES IT LOOK STUPID?

I THINK YOU WERE PRETTY SMART
TO STAY IN THERE.

YOUR MOM AND DAD MISS YOU.
THEY WANT YOU TO COME HOME.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.
IT'S SAFE HERE.

"IT'S SAFE HERE."
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING --

LOOK, I GOT TO BE HONEST
WITH YOU, KID. THE WORLD'S
A SCARY PLACE, YOU KNOW?

I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT ME MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING.

BUT IT'S PROBABLY TOO SCARY.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD TELL HIM.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE.

YEAH, I DON'T THINK
I SHOULD TELL HIM.

GETS MORE UNBELIEVABLE
EVERY TIME YOU TELL IT.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM.
I'M NOT GONNA TELL HIM.

I WANT TO HEAR IT.
PLE-E-E-ASE?

NO, I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.

LISTEN, I WAS CLIMBING ONE TIME
IN THE ADIRONDACKS,

AND THEY HAD THIS ROCK FACE,
AND I WAS CLIMBING.

WELL, THE GUY DIDN'T HAVE ME,
AND I STARTED FALLING.

WHOA.

WHOA? IT'S MORE LIKE...
[ SCREAMS ]

AND THEN I GOT SLAMMED DOWN
ON THIS LEDGE, SAVED MY LIFE.

WOW!
YOU WERE REALLY LUCKY.

YEAH, A LOT LUCKIER
THAN THE BALD EAGLE I LANDED ON.

BALD EAGLE?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE SPARROW?

THE BALD EAGLE
HAD EATEN THE SPARROW.

OH.

POINT IS,
I WASN'T JUST LUCKY.

GOD IS LOOKING OUT
FOR US.

MM-HMM. YEAH,
JUST LIKE AT THE SINKHOLE.

REMEMBER?
IS THAT TRUE, GRANDMA?

OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M
A SCIENTIST. THAT'S A FACT.

OKAY? NOW, LET'S GO ON
AND TAKE YOU HOME.

OKAY, GRANDPA.
YOU CAN TAKE ME HOME.

[ CHUCKLES ]
SHOULD I CHANGE?

I THINK YOU NEED SOMETHING
TO PULL THE OUTFIT TOGETHER.

OTHERWISE, YOU GO
IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.

OKAY, COME ON. LET'S GO.
LET'S GET IN SOMETHING RIGHT.

NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE INTO
SOME REAL CLOTHES, ALL RIGHT?

SO, FIRST IT WAS A SPARROW,
THEN IT WAS AN EAGLE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA LAND ON
NEXT -- AN OSTRICH?

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING

I'D SLIP OFF AN ICE CLIFF
RIGHT ONTO A HARP SEAL.

OKAY.

HEY.

OH, HI.

HAS, UH,
BOYD CALMED DOWN.

[ CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY ]

UH, WELL, HE DID SPEND THE DAY
HIDING IN THE BASEMENT.

OKAY.
DID HE COME OUT?

WELL, YOU KEEP TAKING THAT KID
TO THE BALLET,

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

HE'S UPSTAIRS
GETTING CHANGED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY
TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE?

WELL, FACTS DIDN'T WORK,
SO WE TRIED A LITTLE FAITH.

MORE OF YOUR BOGUS "GOD
IS WATCHING OVER US" FAIRY TALE?

YOU MEAN THE BASIS OF WESTERN
CIVILIZATION -- THAT FAIRY TALE?

THE REST OF THE FAMILY'S GONNA
MISS YOU UP IN HEAVEN, RYAN.

UH, YOUR DAD'S
GONNA TAKE YOU HOME, OKAY?

HEY, BUDDY, I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU HOME, ALL RIGHT?

I THOUGHT GRANDPA
WAS GONNA TAKE ME.
UH --

NO, YOU'RE JUST GONNA
COME WITH ME.
YEAH.

THEN I'M STAYING HERE,
WITH GRANDPA WHERE IT'S SAFE.

BUDDY,
YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH HIM.
YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

IS GOD WATCHING
OVER YOU, TOO?

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE IN AN
ANTHROPOMORPHIC DEITY, PER SE.

I RECOGNIZE A MORE UNIVERSAL,
SPIRITUAL CONNECTIVITY.

THEN I'M STAYING HERE
WITH GRANDPA AND GOD!

BOYD! HEY! HEY!

ALL RIGHT. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED
TO DO -- LIE TO THE KID?

NO, I THINK
YOU HANDLED THAT PERFECTLY.

SEE?
LYING IS EASY.

Mike: HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON
ONCE SAID,

"PEOPLE REACT TO FEAR,
NOT LOVE."

EASY FOR HIM TO SAY

BECAUSE HE WAS KIND OF SCARY
AND NOBODY LOVED HIM.

BUT NIXON'S RIGHT --

TO GET PEOPLE TO DO
WHAT YOU WANT,

SCARE THE HECK OUT OF THEM.

FOR EXAMPLE,

HAVE A BUNCH OF SCIENTISTS
CONVINCE EVERYONE

THE WORLD'S CLIMATE
IS CHANGING.

NOW, WE USED TO CALL THAT
THE SEASONS.

THANK YOU, AL GORE,
NOT FOR YOUR INCONVENIENT TRUTH

BUT FOR YOUR CONVENIENT FIB
THAT YOU CREATED THE INTERNET?

WOW.

THE GREATEST DEVICE IN HISTORY

FOR SPREADING FEAR,
HALF-TRUTHS,

AND VIDEOS OF
CATS ATTACKING TODDLERS.

[ BABY CRIES, CAT HISSES ]

YEARS AGO,
IF A GUY PUT ON A ROBE

AND STOOD ON A STREET CORNER
WITH A SIGN SAYING,

"THE END IS NEAR,"

IT WAS EASY TO JUST SAY
HE WAS BANANAS.

WELL, NOW THAT SAME DUDE

CAN HIDE BEHIND A SLICK WEBSITE
IN HIS MOM'S BASEMENT.

AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW,
HE'S WALTER CRONKITE.

I HAVE AN IDEA --

LET'S STOP BELIEVING
THE FEAR-MONGERS.

MAYBE NIXON WAS WRONG.

MAYBE PEOPLE CAN BE MOTIVATED
BY LOVE.

AND I BET YOU WILL LOVE

SAVING 20%
OFF A SONAR FISH FINDER.

I DON'T WANT TO SPREAD
ANY FEAR HERE.

BUT IF YOU'RE A TROUT,

THIS THING DOES MEAN
THE END IS NEAR.

HEY, MR. B.

YOU KNOW, THE MORE I HEAR
YOU TALK ABOUT RICHARD NIXON,

THE MORE I THINK HISTORY
HAS GIVEN HIM A RAW DEAL.

HE OPENED CHINA.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

MIKE, WE MADE A FORTUNE
THIS WEEKEND

FROM THOSE PREPPERS.
YEP.

WE SHOULD PRAY
FOR ANOTHER SINK--

AH!
SINK, SINK, SINK...

AH, SINK IN THE BATHROOM
SO WE CAN WASH OUR HANDS.

YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL.

SOMETIMES FIRE
COMES OUT OF THOSE.

THANKS, KID. MIKE,
CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

HEY, GRANDPA,

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE
AND RED ALL OVER?

UH, UH,
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS.

NONE OF THEM ARE FUNNY,
OKAY?

WHAT? WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S THE BIG-HEADED KID
DOING HERE?

HE FEELS SAFE WITH ME.

EVIDENTLY,
I'M...BUDDIES WITH GOD.

MM-HMM. WELL, I TOLD YOU
HOW TO HANDLE BOYD, RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO SEND THE KID OUT
IN THE STORM

WRAPPED IN TIN FOIL.

YEAH, I WAS GONNA DO THAT. AND
THEN I REALIZED I'M NOT CRAZY.

LOOK, I ALMOST HAD HIM
CONVINCED TO GO HOME,

AND THEN HIS DAD BLEW IT.
HMM.

SO I GET TO HEAR THE SAME JOKE
80 TIMES IN A DAY.

YOU GOT TO
SEND THE KID PACKING.

HE'S GOT TO KNOW
YOU'RE TOUGH.

HE KNOWS I'M TOUGH.

IT'S HIS PARENTS THAT HAVE GOT
TO LEARN TO STAND UP TO THIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD SHOW BOYD
A NEWSPAPER SOMETIME.

[ CHUCKLES ] THE KID THINKS
THEY'RE RED ALL OVER.

VANESSA!

GOT CALLED INTO WORK.

OH.

I GOT A RIDDLE --

WHAT'S 4'4"
AND MAKING ME DINNER?

ME?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HEAD ON INTO THE PANTRY
AND GRAB ANY KIND OF CAN

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T HAVE
A DOG'S PICTURE ON IT.

THE RUNT'S STILL FOLLOWING YOU
AROUND EVERYWHERE, PA?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO THINK
IT'D BE FUN HAVING A PET MONKEY.

NOW I THINK DIFFERENT.

OH, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.

YOU GOT TO TAKE BOYD
OFF MY HANDS.

MIKE, HE DOES NOT
WANT TO COME WITH ME,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT HIM
IN YOUR CAR

AND YOU CAN FOLLOW ME
TO THE APARTMENT?

BECAUSE HE WON'T
LEAVE ME ALONE

AND I DON'T WANT TO MOVE IN
WITH YOU.

YOU THINK I LIKE HIM SPENDING
THIS MUCH TIME WITH YOU?

YOU JUST GOT TO MAKE
THE KID FEEL SAFE SOMEHOW.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT,
SALLY.

SHE'S SHOWING YOU NO RESPECT
RIGHT NOW.

BOYD DOESN'T RESPECT YOU,
EITHER.

BOYD DOES RESPECT ME.

NOT AS SOMEONE
WHO CAN PROTECT HIM.

YOU GOT TO BE BIGGER
THAN HIS FEARS, OKAY?

MM, THAT'S A TALL ORDER
FOR YOU, MARY.

I GET IT -- YOU'RE CALLING ME
DIFFERENT GIRL NAMES.

YOU'RE CATCHING ON,
PEACHES.

MIKE, FALSE MACHISMO IS NOT
GONNA MAKE HIM FEEL ANY SAFER.

WELL, REAL MACHISMO
WOULD BE BETTER, BUT
WE GET WHAT WE GET.

YOU SCARED BOYD WITH SOMETHING
THAT HE CAN'T CONTROL,

AND YOU TOLD HIM THAT NO ONE
UP THERE'S LOOKING OUT FOR HIM.

THAT LEFT YOU,
WHICH ACTUALLY LEFT ME,

AND I AM TIRED!

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO
WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO.

I'M ASKING YOU
TO BE A PARENT.

I AM BEING A PARENT.
IF YOU DON'T --
OKAY. WHERE IS HE, HUH?

KITCHEN.

BOYD,
ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY.

YOU'VE GOT SCHOOL
TOMORROW.

Boyd: MOMMY,
I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!

THAT'S TOO BAD,
OKAY?

I AM THE MOM.
NO MORE DISCUSSION.

GRANDPA, HELP ME!

I CAN'T --
I CAN'T HELP YOU.

MY BACK HURTS.
IT'S 6:30 NOW.

OH, I'M GUESSING THAT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME?

YEAH, EXCEPT I DON'T THINK
SHE COULD CARRY YOU.

THAT GUY'S A JOKE.

SPEAKING OF JOKES --

WHAT IS 5'4"
AND MAKING MY DINNER?

THE GUY AT DOMINO'S.

WHY CAN'T THE PEOPLE IN THE
MIDDLE EAST KEEP IT TOGETHER?

WHY CAN'T TAYLOR SWIFT
HOLD ON TO A BOYFRIEND?

WHY CAN'T NORTH KOREA JOIN
THE REST OF THE WORLD COMMUNITY?

WHY CAN'T COURTENEY COX JOIN
THE "FRIENDS" CAST REUNION?

WHY CAN'T PUTIN
KEEP HIS SHIRT ON?

[ GIGGLES ]

WHY CAN'T CHANNING TATUM
KEEP HIS SHIRT ON?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.

WHO KNOWS
WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT?

YOU DO.

GIVE ME THAT.

[ GIGGLES ]