Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Rediscover America - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

MIKE, I THOUGHT THERE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE

AN ARTICLE ABOUT YOU
IN THE "DENVER BUSINESS WEEKLY."

GUY NEEDED MORE TIME.
APPARENTLY 5,000 WORDS

ISN'T ENOUGH TO TAKE IN
ALL OF THIS.

WELL, THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY
FOR BEING SO FASCINATING.

THANK GOODNESS
YOU'RE A GEOLOGIST.

YOU DODGED THAT BULLET.

GOOD MORNING.

HEY!
HEY!



SO I BROUGHT SOME LEFTOVER
STUFF FROM THE RESTAURANT

THAT DIDN'T SELL.

THAT'S CALLED GARBAGE.

CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS.

WHOA. PUT THEM RIGHT THERE.
[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, EVE, I SAW THAT ARTICLE
ABOUT YOU IN THE SPORTS SECTION.

YEAH. IT WASN'T JUST
ABOUT ME, THOUGH.

THE COACH AND THE OTHER PLAYERS
HAD SOME QUOTES...

ABOUT ME.

WAIT A SEC.
EVE'S IN THE PAPER,

DAD'S IN A MAGAZINE.
SORRY.

DID THIS WHOLE FAMILY GET
A PUBLICIST AND NOT TELL ME?

YOU DON'T NEED A PUBLICIST.

AREN'T YOU MENTIONED
IN A LOT OF LIMERICKS?



JOKE'S ON YOU!

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT A LIMERICK IS.

LOOK AT THIS.

"WOODBRIDGE HIGH HAS UPPED
THEIR SCORING AVERAGE

SINCE ADDING FEMALE KICKER
EVE BAXTER."
YEAH.

THAT'S FANTASTIC, HONEY.
PRETTY SWEET.

MY DAUGHTER IS
A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I JUST KEEP GETTING
MORE FASCINATING.
[ SIGHS ]

I JUST DON'T GET WHY THEY
KEEP CALLING ME "FEMALE KICKER."

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE
THE KICKER?

YOU KNOW?
UH, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY
PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE

WHO WEARS A BRA.

I DON'T KNOW.
THAT RIGHT TACKLE,

300-POUNDER,
COULD USE A BRA.

WELL, POINTING OUT THAT
YOU'RE FEMALE

JUST RAISES VISIBILITY
FOR WOMEN ATHLETES.

YOU ARE INSPIRING GIRLS
TO BELIEVE

THAT THEY CAN COMPETE
WITH BOYS.

LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY
HERE.

NOT EVERYBODY CAN BE EVE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS FAMILY.
WE'RE ONLY 1-FOR-3.

EVE IS OPENING DOORS
FOR WOMEN.

HUH. JUST LIKE
HILLARY CLINTON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO, HILLARY BETTER KNOCK,

MAKE SURE BILL'S
GOT HIS PANTS ON.

-- Captions by VITAC --

HOW ABOUT WE CALL THIS ONE
THE "SANTA MARIA"?

1,600 HORSEPOWER,
TWIN TURBO.

IF COLUMBUS HAD THIS,
HE COULD HAVE MADE IT

ACROSS THE OCEAN
IN LIKE TWO DAYS.

AND COLUMBUS DAY
WOULD HAVE BEEN TWO MONTHS AGO

AND WE WOULD HAVE MISSED
THE SALE.

GOOD CALL, MR. B.

JUST PUT THE SIGN
IN THE MAKO, PLEASE.

AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

YEAH, YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP
FOR COLUMBUS.

DISCOVERING THE NEW WORLD.

WELL, I'LL GIVE HIM THIS --
HE'S A GOOD SALESMAN.

I THINK YOU MEAN SAILOR.

NO, I MEAN SALESMAN.
HE WAS AN ITALIAN,

GOT THE SPANISH TO PAY FOR
THREE TRIPS TO INDIA,

WHICH HE NEVER FOUND,

THAT'S A GOOD SALESMAN.

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS LOOKING GOOD.

IT'S MY JOB
TO PLEASE THE BOSS.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S MY JOB.

OKAY, HERE COMES THAT
BREAKFAST BURRITO. [ COUGHS ]

A LITTLE P.D.A. NEVER HURT
ANYONE, MIKE.

THEN WHY AM I SO
UNCOMFORTABLE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SLOUCHING.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE HEARING MIKE
CALL YOU THE BOSS, EDDIE,

BUT I LOOK AROUND THE STORE
AND ALL I SEE

IS MIKE'S CLONE ARMY.
YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S INTERESTING.

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENTED
BRIEFLY WITH A CLONE ARMY

OF MIKE BAXTERS, BUT THEY
DECIDED NO ONE COUNTRY

SHOULD HAVE THAT MUCH POWER.

I WISH I HAD A CLONE --
JUST TO TRY OUT HAIRCUTS ON.

OR TO BOUNCE IDEAS OFF
LIKE THAT

BEFORE YOU SAY 'EM
OUT LOUD.

LISTEN,
I'VE GOT A FEW CLONES

THAT WON'T
COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I GOTTA GO GRAB 'EM.

MM.
I'M SERIOUS, BABE.

WHY AREN'T THERE ANY PICTURES
OF YOU IN THE STORE?

OH, MIKE IS THE FACE
OF OUTDOOR MAN,

ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

BECAUSE HE'S
SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME.

MY EDDIE IS EVERY BIT
AS HANDSOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M SORRY. I JUST LAUGHED

'CAUSE YOU SAID SOMETHING
SO CRAZY.

KYLE...

A PIGEON TOOK A CRAP
ON MY CAR THIS MORNING.

GO TAKE CARE OF IT.

I'LL CLEAN THAT UP
RIGHT AWAY, SIR.

NO, NO, NO.

I MEAN, TAKE CARE OF IT.

HMM?

I WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE
TO THE REST OF THE FLOCK.

THIS WOULD BE A PERFECT JOB
FOR CREW-CUT KYLE.

THANKS.

I GOT TO TELL YOU,
IT BOTHERS ME

THAT WHEN PEOPLE HEAR
"OUTDOOR MAN,"

THEY DON'T THINK OF YOU --
THEY THINK OF MIKE.

MARKETING IS MIKE'S THING,
WHICH HE'S GREAT AT,

WHICH GIVES ME MORE TIME
WITH YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ]

WHICH I AM GREAT AT.
[ CHUCKLES ]

AS LONG AS I HAVE
30 MINUTES NOTICE.

[ LAUGHS ]
YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHS ]

I WOULD STILL LIKE TO SEE YOU
FEATURED IN THE ADS.

NO, NO...I DON'T
PHOTOGRAPH WELL.

SOME PEOPLE SAY
MY SMILE IS SCARY.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S CRAZY.
YEAH.

LET ME SEE IT.
NO.

GIVE ME ONE.
ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL WORK ON THAT, BABY.

HEY, COULD I GET
MY BLUE SWEATER BACK, PLEASE?

OH, REALLY,
I JUST BORROWED THAT

SO YOU WOULDN'T WEAR IT AGAIN
AND EMBARRASS YOURSELF.

WHOA. COULD I BORROW
THAT SKIRT? [ LAUGHS ]

[ STOMPS FOOT ]

WHAT?

[ HUFFS ] YOU CAN BOTH
GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.

WELL, GOOD MORNING,
SUNSHINE.

[ LAUGHING ] WHAT'S WITH YOU?

UH, DIDN'T YOU HEAR?

I BLEW A KICK LAST NIGHT
AND COST US THE GAME.

OH, YEAH.
I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S -- IT'S ALL THEY'RE
TALKING ABOUT IN GAZA.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
WOW.

EVIE, YOU ARE PROBABLY FEELING
PRETTY DOWN RIGHT NOW,

AND READING
THE OLD SPORTS PAGE

ISN'T GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL
ANY BETTER.

SO, ALLOW ME.
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

"THE GAME
WAS LOST LAST NIGHT

WHEN WOODBRIDGE'S FEMALE KICKER,
EVE BAXTER --"

A-A-AH-AHEM -- MOI! --

MISSED A LAST-SECOND
FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT.

OH!
WHAT? WHAT A JERK!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WROTE IT
LIKE THAT.

"FEMALE KICKER MISSED."

WHY? I'M A FEMALE,
I'M A KICKER, AND I MISSED.

THAT'S ACTUALLY
SOLID REPORTING.

BUT IT'S LIKE THIS GUY
WENT OUT OF HIS WAY

TO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU'RE
A WOMAN.

YOU LOVED THAT
A FEW DAYS AGO.

YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE THE OTHER
ARTICLE WAS POSITIVE.

I MEAN, NOW HE'S
MAKING IT SOUND LIKE

YOU ONLY MISSED THE KICK
BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVARIES.

IT IS SO SEXIST, OKAY?

I FEEL LIKE CALLING UP
THIS...

JENNIFER THOMPSON...

AND TELLING HIM
A THING A THING OR TWO.

AH, YES! JENNIFER THOMPSON,
MY NEW FAVORITE AUTHOR.

[ GIGGLES ]

OOH, OOH!
READ THAT PART AGAIN

WHERE PERFECT EVE
ISN'T GOOD AT SOMETHING.

OH, I SWEAR, I THINK
THIS ONLY HAPPENED

BECAUSE I FORGOT TO WEAR
MY LUCKY SOCKS.

STOP KICKING HER
WHEN SHE'S DOWN.

HEY, AT LEAST MY KICKS
ARE ACCURATE.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH! MAYBE I SHOULD BE
THE NEW LADY KICKER!

LIKE, OOH!

I'M NOT A LADY KICKER
OR A FEMALE KICKER,

I'M JUST A KICKER WHO
HIT THE UPRIGHT LAST NIGHT

AND LET EVERYONE DOWN.
HEY, EVE,

YOU'RE ALSO OUR SISTER,
OKAY?

WHO LET EVERYONE DOWN.
[ SCOFFS ]

[ LAUGHS ]
SHH!

THIS IS FUN!

I CAN SEE WHY SHE LIKES
DOING IT TO ME.

THERE I AM.
RIGHT THERE.

MY PICTURE IN A MAGAZINE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, LADIES?

WHAT, THE FALL FASHION ISSUE
OF "VOGUE" COME OUT?

DON'T BE SILLY,
MR. ALZATE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT CAME OUT
TWO MONTHS AGO.

WHAT?

I KNOW BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND
IS INTO FASHION.

AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE
SHE ALWAYS BORROWS MY "VOGUE."

HEY, MR. ALZATE,
CHECK IT OUT.
YEAH?

THEY DROPPED OFF
AN EARLY EDITION

OF THE "DENVER
BUSINESS WEEKLY."

MR. B.'s ON THE COVER.

WELL,
WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

"THE INSIDE WORLD
OF OUTDOOR MAN."

ANOTHER STROKE OF MARKETING
GENIUS FROM MIKE, HUH?

YEAH.
LOOK AT THAT.

AND I MADE THE ARTICLE TWICE.
UH-HUH.

THERE'S A PART
WHERE AN UNNAMED

"BUMBLING OFFICE WORKER"
SPILLS COFFEE.

I'M THAT BUMBLER.

YEAH, AND THIS PICTURE
OF MR. B. ON PAGE 16 --
RIGHT.

THAT'S MY ELBOW.
HUH.

MY ELBOW
IN A REGIONAL PUBLICATION.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAD
A PICTURE OF YOUR ASS,

YOU'D BE ABLE TO TELL
THE TWO APART.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT
THE DIFFERENT SECTIONS

IN THE STORE WERE INSPIRED
BY MR. B.'s WORLD TRAVELS?

YES, I KNOW, THAT WAS --
THAT WAS MY IDEA.

ARE YOU SURE? THEY DON'T
MENTION THAT IN THE ARTICLE.

NO, THEY DO NOT.

HEY, GUYS.

MY BUDDY AND I HAVE A GREAT IDEA
FOR THE COLUMBUS DAY VLOG.

ALTHOUGH,
AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE,

HIS IDEAS ARE A BIT...FLAT.

I'M JUST READING
YOUR...INTERVIEW HERE.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
FULL OF GREAT IDEAS.

HAVEN'T READ IT YET,
BUT, BOY, I'LL TELL YOU,

THE GUY ON THE COVER
CAN'T TAKE A BAD PICTURE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
AN ELBOW ON PAGE 16

THAT CAN'T TAKE
A BAD PICTURE, EITHER.

THAT'S NOT EVEN
MY GOOD ELBOW.

NICE JOB ON THE ARTICLE.

THANKS, MAN.
YEAH.

I GUESS I CAN'T COMPLAIN
ABOUT FREE PUBLICITY, HUH?

BUT...SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE GOING TO.

OH, NO, COME ON.
IT'S JUST THAT

I'VE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH
IN MY LIFE,

I JUST DON'T GET TOO EXCITED
ABOUT THINGS.

SURE, YOU DO.
MM?

I'VE SEEN YOU
WHEN THE McRIB COMES OUT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DOESN'T
EXCITE ME TOO MUCH.

IT'S THIS -- THIS WHOLE
COLUMBUS DAY BOAT SALE THING.

I JUST -- FRANKLY
I-I DON'T GET IT.

ALL RIGHT.

UH...COLUMBUS...
MM-HMM.

...CAME HERE ON A BOAT.
YEP.

WE SELL BOATS,

SO WE'RE USING COLUMBUS' BOAT
TO SELL OUR BOATS.

WHERE DID I LOSE YOU?

IT DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

I THINK WE SHOULD
CANCEL COLUMBUS DAY.

WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE
STOPPED HIM

FROM COMING OVER HERE
WHEN YOU GUYS WERE KIDS.

KYLE, COULD YOU GET
THIS THING OUT OF HERE

AND GET THE OTHER ONES OFF
THE SALES FLOOR, PLEASE?

ED, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD ABOUT
THE COLUMBUS DAY VLOG YET.

COLUMBUS WAS A HUCKSTER
AND A GLORY HOG.

COLUMBUS WENT ACROSS
THE ATLANTIC FOUR TIMES.

THAT'S THREE AND A HALF TIMES
MORE THAN THE "TITANIC,"

WHICH YOU WERE ALSO ON.

I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME,
MIKE.

THE PROMOTION AND VLOG
ARE OFF.

YOU GOT TO RUN THIS STUFF
BY ME, ED.

I DON'T HAVE TO RUN ANYTHING
BY YOU. I'M THE BOSS.

WE'RE PARTNERS.

I BROUGHT YOU IN.

YOU BROUGHT ME IN
TO A BAIT AND TACKLE SHOP

THAT I TURNED INTO
20 HUGE SUPERSTORES.

19 STORES, MIKE. HUH?
THE FIRST ONE WAS ALL ME.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT GENIUS CAME UP

WITH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL
ON FRIDAY NIGHTS.

YEAH, WELL, THANK GOODNESS
FOR THE DVR.

FRIDAY NIGHT IS THE ONLY
GOOD NIGHT ON TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA BE
FREEZING OUT THERE?
MM-HMM.

YOU AND I MIGHT NEED TO...
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

SNUGGLE UNDER A BLANKET.

WELL, YOU WANT TO TAKE
A RUN AT ME,

YOU BETTER PUT A LITTLE MORE
IRISH IN THAT COFFEE.

HMM?

WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
[ SNIFFS ]

OOH. I ACTUALLY MIGHT NEED
TO ADD A LITTLE COFFEE

TO THIS IRISH.
[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE SURE ENGROSSED
IN THAT ARTICLE.

LEARNING ANYTHING NEW
ABOUT YOURSELF?

NO, BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING
ABOUT ED.

AW. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT
LIKE YOU TWO TO FIGHT.

IT'S THIS ARTICLE.

I TOLD THE GUY ALL ABOUT ED
AND HOW HE STARTED THE COMPANY.

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE
ABOUT ED.

WELL, I'M SURE ED
UNDERSTANDS.

NOW HE'S GOT THIS
PUSHY BROAD IN HIS LIFE.

UH, ED LIKES TO CALL HER
HIS GIRLFRIEND.

UH, WHATEVER.
I'M NOT INTO LABELS.

[ SIGHS ]

NOW SHE'S WHISPERING
STUFF IN HIS EAR.

WELL, NOT WHISPERING.
HE'S REALLY HARD OF HEARING.

MIKE,
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

I DO. HE'S GOING DEAF.

I MEAN ABOUT WENDI.

WH-- ED AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING
TOGETHER FOR 28 YEARS.

HE'S NEVER BEEN INVOLVED
IN MY PROMOTIONS...

UNTIL WENDI STARTED
BUTTING IN.

IS SHE BUTTING IN OR JUST
STICKING UP FOR HER GUY?

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE SURPRISED
ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES

I'VE HAD TO STICK UP
FOR YOU.

YOU'RE NOT AS UNIVERSALLY
LIKED AS YOU THINK.

I HAVE A LOVE LETTER

FROM THE "DENVER BUSINESS
WEEKLY" THAT BEGS TO DIFFER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS FIGHT
IS NOT ABOUT WENDI.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH ED.

I DON'T HAVE A "RELATIONSHIP"
WITH ED.

WE'RE PARTNERS.

AND NOT IN THE WAY
THAT GAY PEOPLE

HAVE WRECKED THAT WORD.

HONEY, WHEN TWO PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME,

IT'S NATURAL TO HARBOR
RESENTMENTS.
HMM.

IT MIGHT BE HEALTHY FOR YOU TO
GET SOME THINGS OFF YOUR CHEST.

MM...

I HATE THOSE CURTAINS.

WHA--

MM.

I HATE YOUR SISTER.

ALL RIGHT...
[ MUTTERS ]

[ EXHALES ] YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DO FEEL BETTER.

OH, WHERE ARE MY SOCKS?

OH, SO YOU LOST YOUR SOCKS
LIKE YOU LOST THE GAME?

WHAT NOW?!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HATE OUR CHILDREN.

OH... [ SIGHS ]

I NEED THOSE SOCKS!

HMM, IF YOU KICKED
THEM OFF,

THEY COULD HAVE ENDED UP
ANYWHERE.

EXCEPT WHERE YOU WERE AIMING.
[ LAUGHS ] OH!

KNOCK IT OFF. EVE CAUGHT
A BAD BREAK LAST FRIDAY,

AND WE'RE NOT GONNA PILE ON
ABOUT IT.

AT LEAST NOT WHILE
SHE'S IN THE ROOM.

SO I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO PICK ON EVE

AFTER 16 YEARS OF HER TAKING
WISE-ASS SHOTS AT ME,

LIKE, EVERY SINGLE DAY?
IT WASN'T EVERY DAY.

THERE WAS THAT WHOLE WEEK
SHE WAS AT SOCCER CAMP.

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF MY SLAMS
HURT YOUR FEELINGS,

BUT THIS WHOLE KICKING THING
HAS REALLY GOTTEN ME FREAKED,

AND I COULD USE A LITTLE SUPPORT
FROM MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE.
FINE.

WAY TO TAKE THE FUN OUT OF
BEING MEAN TO YOU.

ALL RIGHT,
I WILL GO UPSTAIRS.

I WILL LOOK FOR
YOUR UGLY ORANGE SOCKS.

THANK YOU.

AND F.Y.I.,
THAT "LOST GAME, LOST SOCK" DISS

WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY SOLID.

THANK YOU.

IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.

LIKE I AM. OH!

I DON'T EVEN NEED YOU
ANYMORE. [ LAUGHS ]

OH... [ CHUCKLES ]

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
LOOK IN THE LAUNDRY?

OKAY.

SEE WHAT OUR GIRLS
JUST DID?

WOMEN ARE REALLY GOOD
AT RESOLVING CONFLICT.

BECAUSE THEY CAUSE
MOST OF 'EM.

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE FIREMEN
THAT TURN OUT TO BE ARSONISTS.

WELL, IT MIGHT BE HEALTHY
FOR YOU AND ED

TO BE MORE LIKE THEM.

EXCEPT WHEN ED LOSES
HIS SOCKS,

GENERALLY THEY'RE
ON HIS FEET.

Eve: UH, MOM?

MY NAME IS DAD.

OH! YOU FOUND YOUR SOCKS.
YEAH. SMELL THEM.

OH, NO, NO, NO. YOUR DAD GOT ME
WITH THAT ONE THIS MORNING.

THERE'S NOTHING TO SMELL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHY WOULD YOU WASH
MY SOCKS?

I ASK MYSELF THAT QUESTION
EVERY TIME I DO LAUNDRY.

MOM, THESE ARE MY GAME SOCKS,
MY LUCKY SOCKS,

AND YOU WASHED THE MOJO
OUT OF THEM.

I JUST HAVE TO PRAY
WE NEVER CROSS MIDFIELD TONIGHT

SO I DON'T HAVE TO KICK.
SERIOUSLY, HONEY?

COME -- WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE EVE BAXTER

WITH ICE WATER
IN HER VEINS?

[ SCOFFS ]
IT'S TURNED TO ICE.

WHEN I GET OUT THERE
TO KICK NOW, I JUST FREEZE UP.

YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.

TRY ME.

THERE'S ALL THIS PRESSURE
ALREADY BEING THE KICKER,

BUT NOW
I'M THE FEMALE KICKER,

AND SO IF I MISS, IT'S NOT
JUST THE TEAM OR THE SCHOOL --

I'M LETTING DOWN
ALL WOMEN.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
ROSA PARKS.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
WELL, UH, ROSA PARKS

DIDN'T HAVE
YOUR LEG STRENGTH.

THAT'S WHY SHE'S FAMOUS
FOR SITTING DOWN.

LOOK, HONEY, HONEY, I DO.
I UNDERSTAND.

HEY, DO YOU THINK
IT'S EASY FOR ME

IN THE FAST-PACED,
MALE-DOMINATED FIELD OF GEOLOGY?

NO! EVERY DAY
I FACE THE BURDEN

OF BEING A GROUNDBREAKER.

YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I LITERALLY...

BREAK GROUND.
[ SIGHS ]

MOM, I'M STRESSED ENOUGH.
YOUR PUNS MIGHT PUSH ME
OVER THE EDGE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT --
HEY, HONEY --

LOOK, YOU CAN'T COMPARE
YOUR JOB TO FOOTBALL.

IF YOU MESS UP, EVERYONE'S
NOT GONNA READ ABOUT IT

IN THE PAPER.

NO, NO, IF I MESS UP,

ENVIRONMENTS ARE DESTROYED
AND PEOPLE COULD DIE.

HUH?
TALK ABOUT PRESSURE?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR JOB
WAS SO IMPORTANT...
RIGHT.

...FROM THE WAY DAD
TALKS ABOUT IT.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT,
LIKE HE'S GOT IT SO TOUGH.

IF HE SCREWS UP,
A TROUT GETS AWAY.

LOOK, HONEY... [ SIGHS ]

MY POINT IS,
YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

EVERY WOMAN HAS THIS BURDEN
OF REPRESENTING ALL WOMEN.

BUT YOU CAN'T LET THAT
FREEZE YOU UP.

YOU KNOW HOW
TO KICK THE BALL.

[ SCOFFS ] WELL, I DID.

YOU STILL DO.

LOOK, JUST GET OUT OF
YOUR HEAD

AND DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO.
[ SIGHS ]

IT'S NOT THE SOCKS
THAT ARE SPECIAL.

IT'S THE GIRL
WHO WEARS THEM.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, I'M STILL ME.
I'VE GOT THAT GOING FOR ME.

EXACTLY.

HEY, AND WHEN IT COMES
TO KICKING,

YOU HAVE GOT A LEG UP.

MOM, PLEASE.

OKAY. [ KISSES ]
YOU'LL DO GREAT TONIGHT.

JUST PUT YOUR BEST FOOT
FORWARD.

ALL RIGHT. I'M OUT OF HERE.
YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

[ LAUGHS ] HEY!

IT'S YOU WHO NEEDS TO MAKE
THAT EXTRA POINT!

OKAY, I'M LEAVING NOW!

[ CHUCKLES ] LOOK AT YOU.

SITTING THERE,
MAKING DECISIONS,

AFFECTING HUNDREDS
OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.

OH...
MY MAN IS A GENERAL.

NO, NO, NO,
NOT A GENERAL, NO.

I'M JUST A GUY
WHO RUNS AN EMPIRE...
[ CHUCKLES ]

SO I'M REALLY MORE...
OF AN EMPEROR.

[ LAUGHS ]

BABE. I SEE WHY YOUR CAR
KEEPS GETTING BIRD POOP ON IT.

IT'S YOUR PARKING SPACE --
OVER THERE UNDER THAT TREE.

YEAH, I LIKE THE SHADE.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT

THAT THE EMPEROR
GETS POOPED ON.

TRADE SPACES WITH MIKE.
THAT SHOULD BE MIKE'S POOP.

THE PARKING SPACES ARE FINE,
BABY.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT
YOU'RE GETTING THE RESPECT

THAT YOU'RE DUE.

I'M GETTING RESPECT
FROM EVERYBODY

BUT ONE INCONTINENT PIGEON.

[ LAUGHS ]

THEY KNOW I'M THE BOSS.

I DON'T HAVE TO THROW
MY WEIGHT AROUND.

AS IF THAT LEAN PHYSIQUE
OF YOURS

HAS ANY WEIGHT TO SPARE.
MM.

YEAH, I CAME DOWN PRETTY HARD
ON MIKE YESTERDAY.
REALLY?

YEAH.
WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT AGGRAVATED AND I CANCELED
HIS COLUMBUS DAY VLOG.

MAYBE I SHOULD APOLOGIZE,
HUH?

NAH. I'LL SEND HIM
A BOX OF STEAKS.

HE'LL KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

KYLE,
HAVE YOU SEEN MIKE?

YES, SIR.
HE'S DOWN IN BOATING.

WE'RE GETTING READY TO START
SHOOTING HIS COLUMBUS DAY VLOG.

[ SMACKS LIPS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

WELL, I GUESS THERE MUST BE

SOME SORT OF MISCOMMUNICATION
SOMEWHERE.

YEAH! YOU SAID NO VLOG,

AND MIKE HEARD,
"DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT."

SEEMS LIKE YOUR CAR'S
NOT THE ONLY THING

GETTING POOPED ON
AROUND HERE.

I'LL STRAIGHTEN
THIS THING OUT.

MM, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
MY EMPEROR IN ACTION.

NO, WENDI...NO.

I LOVE YOU, BUT THIS IS
BETWEEN ME AND MIKE.

THIS IS MY BUSINESS,
NOT YOURS.

DID YOU JUST SAY,
"I LOVE YOU"?

YES, I DID.

BE BACK IN 30 MINUTES.

OKAY, YOU ALL SET?

HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT
COLUMBUS DAY

BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING
A SALE.

WHY DO WE CALL IT COLUM--
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

WE ARE PULLING THE PLUG.
THAT'S IT. COME ON.

YOU KNOW, ONE DAY I'M GONNA
WALK INTO YOUR HOSPITAL ROOM

AND SAY THAT
EXACT SAME THING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?
I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS.
I -- ALL RIGHT --

I GAVE YOU A DIRECT ORDER.
RIGHT, AND I DISOBEYED IT,
OKAY?

EXPECT A BOX OF STEAKS
IN THE MAIL.

LET ME FINISH THE VLOG.
YOU WATCH IT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I'M NOT GONNA POST IT.

ALL RIGHT. I'M NOTHING
IF NOT FAIR AND REASONABLE.

I KNEW A PIGEON
WHO MIGHT DISAGREE.

WAIT -- WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON'T

FLIP SOME SWITCH AND GOOGLE THIS
OUT OVER THE INTERNET?

BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA
TRUST ME,

AND THAT'S NOT HOW
IT WORKS.

ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, BACKGROUND CLEAR,
AND DO IT.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

THIS COLUMBUS DAY,
YOU CAN DISCOVER AMERICA,

EVEN THOUGH COLUMBUS
NEVER ACTUALLY DID.

IN 1492, HE MAY HAVE SAILED
THE OCEAN BLUE,

BUT THE DUDE MISSED
NORTH AMERICA

AND FOUND HISPANIOLA INSTEAD.

AND I DON'T MEAN THE TAPAS
RESTAURANT ON 18th STREET.

THAT PLACE IS
A REAL DISCOVERY.

WHY DO WE HAVE A PARADE
FOR COLUMBUS,

THE DUDE WHO GOT LOST?

LISTEN, I GOT LOST IN IKEA
THE OTHER DAY.

NO PARADE. ALL I GOT WAS
A BOOKCASE FOR 6 BUCKS.

WE SHOULD BE CELEBRATING
LEIF ERIKSON,

THE VIKING WHO LANDED
IN NOVA SCOTIA

400 YEARS BEFORE COLUMBUS.

THERE HASN'T BEEN A VIKING
THIS UNDERAPPRECIATED

SINCE HAGAR THE HORRIBLE.

I DARE YOU TO READ THAT
COMIC STRIP AND NOT LAUGH.

THE REAL DISCOVERER
OF OUTDOOR MAN

IS ED ALZATE,

VIETNAM VET, SPORTSMAN,
AND SMALL BUSINESS ENTREPRENEUR.

ED, COME OVER HERE FOR A SECOND.
COME HERE.

LISTEN TO THIS.
WHAT? WHAT?

THIS DUDE
IS OUR LEIF ERIKSON,

THE GUY WHO BLAZED A TRAIL,
BUT HARDLY EVER GETS CREDIT.

WITHOUT ED, NONE OF THIS
WOULD BE HERE,

AND I WOULD BE A GUY THAT
JUST MADE SOME OTHER STORE

REALLY FAMOUS
AND SUCCESSFUL.

IN HONOR OF OUR LEIF ERIKSON,
ED ALZATE,

THE COLUMBUS DAY SALE IS NOW

"VIKING
PLUNDER AND PILLAGE SALE,"

SO COME ON DOWN AND --
AND BRING YOUR BATTLE-AX,

BECAUSE WE GOT LOTS OF GEAR
FOR THE WIFE, TOO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, PAL?
YOUR VERY OWN DAY.

THAT'S GOT TO MAKE YOU --
HOLD ON A SECOND.

BRACE YOURSELVES.
HE'S GONNA SMILE.

[ EXHALES ]
I HEAR EVE WENT 3-FOR-3

AT THE GAME
LAST NIGHT, HMM?

AH, IT WAS A GREAT GAME.

SHE DID IT WITHOUT
HER LUCKY SOCKS.
MM.

THANK GOD I HAD
MY LUCKY HAT ON.

YEAH, WELL, I'M LUCKY
I NEVER GOT

HOOKED ON SUPERSTITION.

YOU KNOW? YEP.

THAT WAS NICE WHAT YOU DID
TODAY WITH THE VLOG.

I'M A REALLY GREAT GUY.
IT'S ALL THERE IN THE ARTICLE.

LISTEN, IF WE GOT PROBLEMS
THAT WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT,

LET'S NOT BOTTLE 'EM UP
FROM NOW ON.

I AGREE, I AGREE.

IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO PULL OUT
THE CORK, EH?

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ]

THERE YOU GO.
SO, ANYTHING ELSE YOU, UH,

YOU WANT TO GET
OFF YOUR CHEST, HUH?

I HATE THOSE CURTAINS.

[ EXHALES ] YEAH,I AGREE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
I FEEL BETTER.

WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN
IN 25 YEARS, HUH?

[ GLASSES CLINK ]
25 YEARS.

KINDA WISHFUL THINKING
ON YOUR PART.