Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - War Games - full transcript

Boyd gets sent home early from a birthday party for starting a game of "war," Ryan insists Mike stop exposing his son to action movies and video games. Meanwhile, Vanessa hopes budding fashion designer, Mandy, can help her look awesome when she meets with her still hot-looking college roommates.

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

GOOD MORNING.

OHH.

MMM.
MMM.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

WAIT A MINUTE --
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE

THE "I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE A GREAT HUSBAND."

IT SOUNDS LIKE, "I LOVE YOU.
I SCRATCHED YOUR TRUCK."

IF I SCRATCHED
YOUR TRUCK,

I WOULD KNOW ENOUGH
TO JUST KEEP DRIVING.



SO, EVERYTHING'S GOOD?
YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S JUST THAT --

OHHHH, BOY.

WELL, SUZY SHAW
AND BETSY WOLF

ARE COMING TO TOWN
THIS WEEKEND.

THOSE OLD BROADS
STILL TRAVEL?

YES, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATES
CAN STILL TRAVEL.

HONEY, YOU SHOULD SEE THEM
ON FACEBOOK.

FOR "OLD BROADS,"
THEY LOOK AMAZING.

I'VE SEEN SUZY
ON FACEBOOK.

A LITTLE TOO MUCH BOTOX.

SHE HAS THE SAME EXPRESSION
AT HER SURPRISE PARTY

AS SHE DOES
AT HER DAD'S FUNERAL.



I FEEL
A LITTLE INSECURE.

I MEAN, THEY USED TO CALL US
"THE THREE HOT TODDIES,"

AND NOW I'M AFRAID IT'LL BE
TWO TODDIES AND A MOSCOW MULE.

TRUTH IS, I MARRIED
A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

FROM WHERE I STAND, SHE'S JUST
AS BEAUTIFUL AS SHE EVER WAS.

THANKS, HONEY.

I KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT AGE IS JUST A NUMBER.

AND NO MATTER
HOW CRAZY-BIG THAT NUMBER GETS,

I'LL STILL LOVE YOU,
MOM.

THANK YOU, MANDY.

SO, HOW'S
THE FASHION BUSINESS, HUH?

WELL, I.M.H.O.,
MY L.B.D.s COULD END UP
BEING A REALLY B.F.D.

CUT THE HIPSTER TALK.

SHE'S ALREADY FEELING
REALLY OLD TODAY.

IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,
MY LITTLE BLACK DRESSES

COULD END UP BEING
A REALLY BIG FRICKIN' DEAL.

SOME GENERATIONS
WIN WORLD WARS.

SOME WIN COLD WARS.

SOME COME UP WITH
SNAZZY ABBREVIATIONS.

BYE.

HEY, UM...
I.L.Y.

[ Chuckling ] OH. YEAH.
[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOVE YAMS.

BUT WHAT A WEIRD WAY
TO SAY "HAVE A NICE DAY."

BYE, HONEY.
BYE, GUYS.

BYE!
BYE!

WOW. MANDY, HONEY,
THESE DRESSES LOOK AMAZING.

I KNOW, RIGHT?
YEAH.

BUT I NEED TO TAKE SOME
NEW PICTURES FOR THE WEBSITE,

AND I'M HOPING TO FIND
A SLIGHTLY LEGGIER MODEL

THAN, UH,
SERGEANT STUMPY OVER THERE.

HEY.
I'M TALLER THAN YOU.

HUH?

NO WAY.
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

UH, A WHILE AGO.

BUT TO SPARE YOUR FEELINGS, I'VE
BEEN WALKING AROUND ON MY KNEES.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT --
I TOWER OVER BOTH OF YOU,

SO, MANDY, MAYBE --
MAYBE I SHOULD BE YOUR MODEL.

OKAY.

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE JOKING,
BUT, LIKE...DON'T.

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I COULD
PULL OFF ONE OF YOUR L.B.D.s?

AH.

IT'S JUST THAT, UM...

MODELING IS
A REALLY DANGEROUS BUSINESS.

OKAY.

AND I JUST --
I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO MUCH

TO SEE YOU
GET ADDICTED TO HEROIN.

SO...

I'M GONNA STICK
WITH EVE.

-- Captions by VITAC --

MAYBE WE SHOULD DO
THE YOUNG ONE -- LIKE THAT.

HEY.

HI. HOW WERE DRILLS?

TOUGH.

IT'S JUST NICE KNOWING
WE'RE OUT THERE HITTING IT

WHILE THE RUSKIES
ARE STILL IN BED.

THE RUSKIES
AREN'T IN BED.

THEY'RE DOING JELLO SHOTS
IN THE UKRAINE.

AND YOU KNOW
WHO TO BLAME FOR THAT?

OBAMA.
OBAMA.

COUPLE YEARS, GUYS,
YOU'LL HAVE HILLARY TO BLAME

FOR EVERYTHING
VLADIMIR PUTIN DOES.

WOW. I LIKE BLAMING HER
FOR STUFF.

BUT, THEN AGAIN, TO BLAME HER,
SHE'D HAVE TO BE PRESIDENT.

THESE ARE THE TOUGH CHOICES
WE FACE AS AMERICANS.

HEY.

HOME SO SOON
FROM SPENCER'S PARTY?

UH, BOYD
GOT THROWN OUT.

WHAT?
FROM A BIRTHDAY PARTY?

ONE TOO MANY JUICE BOXES.
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

SPENCER'S MOM SAID
I BROKE THE RULES.

BOYD HAD THE OTHER
KIDS RUNNING AROUND
THE YARD PLAYING WAR.

YOU KNOW, SHOOTING
FINGER PISTOLS AT EACH OTHER.

STOP IT!

A 7-YEAR-OLD
WITH A FINGER PISTOL?!

DID YOU GET HIT
WITH ANY BOOGER BAZOOKAS?

IF THEY COME
FOR MY FINGER,

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY IT
FROM MY COLD, DEAD HAND.

WE WERE JUST PLAYING
"DIRTY DOZEN."

I WAS LEE MARVIN.

THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE A BORN LEADER.

SERIOUSLY, MIKE? YOU SHOWED HIM
"THE DIRTY DOZEN"?

HOW DO YOU THINK
HE LEARNED HOW TO COUNT TO 12?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO, THIS WHOLE
UGLY INCIDENT OCCURRED

BECAUSE OF CERTAIN INFLUENCES
THAT BOYD HAS IN HIS LIFE.

TO BE CLEAR, WE ALL KNOW
I'M TALKING ABOUT MIKE, RIGHT?

YEAH, NOW WHO'S
POINTING FINGERS?

HONEY, COME ON. YOU WANT
TO COME HELP ME UPSTAIRS?

OKAY.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE ARE PICKING OUT
AN OUTFIT.

GRANDMA'S MEETING UP
WITH SOME OLD FRIENDS

WHO SHE NEEDS
TO LOOK WAY BETTER THAN.

CAN I CHANGE MY MIND?

NO.

I MEAN, COME ON, MIKE.
REALLY? YOU SHOWED
HIM "THE DIRTY DOZEN"?

I DON'T WANT HIM
PRETENDING TO KILL GERMANS.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU BECOME
SO PRO-NAZI?

I AM NOT PRO-NAZI.
I'M JUST ANTI-VIOLENCE.

ALTHOUGH I REALIZE I'M PREACHING
IN THE WRONG CHURCH HERE.

CALM DOWN, BETTY.

I'M JUST GOING OFF
TO PLAY PAINTBALL.

THIS IS
WHERE IT STARTS.

AS A CULTURE, WE TEACH
OUR CHILDREN TO BE VIOLENT.

NO, NO, NO.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE TAUGHT.

YOU STUFF A PAPER DONKEY
FULL OF CANDY,

GIVE KIDS STICKS, WATCH NATURE
JUST TAKE ITS COURSE.

I STILL REMEMBER
MY FIRST PIÑATA.

THE ONLY THING
DORA WAS EXPLORING

WAS THE BUSINESS END
OF A BASEBALL BAT.

WELL, I WOULD APPRECIATE
IF EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

YOU COULD SHOW BOYD
A MOVIE

WHERE CONFLICT IS SETTLED
THROUGH DIPLOMACY.

SO TYPICAL, RYAN.

YOU WANT ALL THE PROTECTION
THE MILITARY PROVIDES,

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
HOW THEY MAKE THE SAUSAGE.

I KNOW HOW THEY MAKE
THE SAUSAGE.

IT'S A BIG PART
OF WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN.

ENJOY YOUR LENTIL CHOPS,
HIPPIE.

I'M OFF TO SHOOT PEOPLE
WITH PAINT.

BYE!
BYE!
BYE!

YOU KNOW,
I DON'T SEE THE HARM

STEERING BOYD
TOWARDS NONVIOLENT ACTIVITIES.

HE JUST HELPED ME PICK OUT
THIS VERY PRETTY SCARF.

I THINK
WE FOUND THE HARM.

HEY.
HI.

CAN YOU BELIEVE
OUR KID?

THE ONE I DON'T BELIEVE
IS SPENCER'S MOM.

THEY WERE PLAYING WAR
WITH THEIR FINGERS.

WELL, I GOT A FINGER
FOR HER.

WE HAVE A RULE
AMONG PARENTS --

YOU INVITE MY KID TO A PARTY,
HE'S YOURS FOR FOUR HOURS.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME --
I'VE GOT THAT HAIR APPOINTMENT,

AND MARCI HAS A REALLY STRICT
CANCELATION POLICY.
OF COURSE. YES. GO.

LET THE LADIES
TAKE CARE OF THIS.

YOU GO
GET YOUR HAIR DONE.

SO, HOW'S, UH, BOYD DOING
WITH ALL THIS?

YOU KNOW, HE ONLY HAS
A FEW FRIENDS,

AND SPENCER
WAS HIS FAVORITE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS
HAVING TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS.

THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S LEE MARVIN,
THE LEADER.

CAN NEVER GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE
'CAUSE...

THEY ALWAYS COME AFTER
THE ONES YOU LOVE.

MIKE, HONEY, THIS IS TROUBLING.
I MEAN ALL OF IT.

BOYD'S STRUGGLE TO MAKE FRIENDS,
YOUR CRUSH ON LEE MARVIN.

HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE FRIENDS
WITH THIS SPENCER WEENIE.

I MEAN, 7-YEAR-OLDS MAKE FRIENDS
QUICKER THAN DRUNKS.

THEY'RE FIGHTING ONE MINUTE,
AND THE NEXT,

[ Slurring ]
"I LOVE YOU, MAN. I DO."

HI, MOMMY. I GOT 86'ed
OUT OF THE PARTY.

OH, I KNOW, SWEETIE,

BUT DID YOU AT LEAST
GET TO EAT SOME CAKE?

NO. AND IT WAS CARROT
WITH SOY ICE CREAM.

OHHH.

SPENCER'S MOM
DID YOU A FAVOR, PAL.

CAN WE DO
SOMETHING FUN NOW?

OH, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT
OF A PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, MOMMY HAS TO
GET BACK TO WORK.

WELL,
THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

GRANDPA CAN TAKE YOU
TO OUTDOOR MAN,

IF IT'S ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE WE'RE
HAVING A WEEKEND PROMOTION,

LOT OF KID STUFF TO DO.
OH, YEAH?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A BOUNCY HOUSE,
ARCADE, FACE PAINTING.

WE'LL MEET
SOME NEW FRIENDS.

THERE'LL BE
MORE SPENCERS THERE

THAN YOU CAN
SHAKE A STICK AT.

AND DOWN AT OUTDOOR MAN,

YOU CAN ACTUALLY
SHAKE STICKS AT PEOPLE.

SOUNDS PERFECT, DAD.
THANK YOU.

BUT BEFORE WE GO,
COME UP AND HELP GRANDPA
PICK OUT AN OUTFIT.

COME ON!

CAN I PLAY SHOOTING GALLERY,
GRANDPA?

BOYD, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT
RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE COMING HERE TO PLAY GAMES
AND -- AND MAKE FRIENDS HERE.

LIKE...GO IN THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
A LOT OF NICE KIDS IN THERE.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO
TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE.
YOU'RE GONNA GO --

I WANT TO SHOOT
THE RIFLES.

STOP, STOP, STOP.
CALM DOWN.
PLE-E-E-E-ASE?

LET THE KID SHOOT!

THERE'S A PITCH
TO THAT WHINE

THAT CUTS
RIGHT THROUGH MY SKULL.

LET'S DO A LITTLE SNACK.
HOW ABOUT A PRETZEL?

TAKE HIM OVER THERE AND JUST
SPRAY MUSTARD ALL OVER HIS FACE.

THAT'S WHERE IT'S GONNA END UP
ANYWAY, RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, THESE GLASSES
BELONG TO THAT GIRL,

AND THIS INHALER
IS HIS.

OR IS IT
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

IT'S OKAY, KYLE. GIVE THAT
TO WHOEVER STARTS WHEEZING.

GET THIS.

HEH?

BOYD GOES TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY
TODAY, AND THEY KICK HIM OUT

FOR POINTING A FINGER GUN
AT ANOTHER KID.

COME ON.
A FINGER PISTOL?
YEAH.

THEY'RE COMING
FOR THESE NOW? COME ON.

I KNOW.

SOME LADY
AT THE PARTY --

HIS DAD --

GOT ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE
ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW.

SO...HE DOESN'T LIKE
SIMULATED VIOLENCE.

COUNTRY'S GONE SOFT,
MIKE.

IT USED TO BE AIR RIFLES
WERE STANDARD ISSUE,

YOU KNOW,
IN THE FIRST GRADE.

I TOOK MORE SHRAPNEL
IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

THAN I EVER DID
IN VIETNAM.

NOW THESE KIDS ARE SPENDING
ALL THEIR TIME IN BASEMENTS

EATING CHEETOS,
SHOOTING ZOMBIES,

GETTING FAKE EXERCISE
AND REAL FAT.

POW, POW!
I GOT YOU, GRANDPA!

[ CHUCKLES ]
LOOK AT THAT.

THE BOY'S MADE A GUN
OUT OF A PRETZEL.

THE GERMANS
WOULD BE PROUD, KID.

BETTER WATCH
THAT CURVED BARREL,

OR YOU'RE GONNA SHOOT YOURSELF
IN THE SCHNITZEL.

NOW CAN I GO TO
THE SHOOTING GALLERY, GRANDPA?

NO, WE'RE GONNA GET
IN THE BOUNCY.

COME ON. NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, MIKE?

IT'S THE WAY
LITTLE BOYS ARE WIRED.

HMM?

LISTEN, AS FAR AS
ANYONE'S CONCERNED,

I MIGHT HAVE LOST TRACK OF YOU
FOR A HALF-HOUR.

LET'S GO. COME ON.

HEY, PAUL, LINE 'EM UP.

MOM, DON'T WORRY.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.

WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
YOU RAN SOMEBODY OVER?

BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT SHE SAID

THAT TIME
THAT SHE RAN SOMEBODY OVER.

THIS IS WAY BIGGER
THAN THAT, OKAY?

I FIGURED OUT A WAY
FOR YOU TO LOOK AWESOME

WHEN YOU MEET UP
WITH YOUR SCHOOL FRIENDS,

ETHEL AND MILDRED.

SUZY AND BETSY!

WHO ARE THEY?

UH, MOM'S HOT FRIENDS
FROM COLLEGE.

SUZY LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S 30.

EW. 30.

SAD.

♪ TA-DA-DA-DA ♪

SWEETIE! THANK YOU!

OOH, LET ME SEE.

WELL.

A LITTLE SHORT,
BUT I LIKE IT.

OH, GOD, NO!
THAT'S JUST THE FIRST LAYER.

ALL RIGHT.

SO, HERE ARE THE LEGGINGS
TO LAYER UNDER THAT.

OKAY.

AND THEN WE GOT A SWEATER
TO LAYER OVER.

THEN WE GOT
THIS NICE SCARF

SO YOU CAN JUST COVER UP
ALL THAT, LIKE, UGGGGH!

SUPER-WIDE BELT JUST TO
SORT OF "SSSK!" IN THE MIDDLE.

SO, FOR ME, BEING AWESOME
MEANS "NOT VISIBLE"?

OH, MY GOD.
MOM, I'M SO SORRY.

TOTALLY FORGOT THE PONCHO.
HOLD THAT!

HONEY,
I'M NOT WEARING THIS.

I MAY NOT BE 22,
BUT I'M NOT THE ELEPHANT WOMAN.

GOOD FOR YOU.

YEAH,
I'M WITH VANESSA.

I MEAN,
WHAT MAKES SOCIETY THINK

THAT AN OLDER WOMAN
CAN'T BE SEXY?

THEIR EYES?

THANK YOU, RYAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I COULD
TOTALLY PULL THIS ONE OFF.

OOH. NOT IF DAD
PULLS IT OFF YOU FIRST.

OH, GROSS!

YEAH, NOW THAT MIKE'S IN
THE MIX, I'M KIND OF WITH MANDY.

I AM GONNA WEAR THIS DRESS,
AND I AM GONNA LOOK HOT.

KARDASHIAN HOT.

OH, AND NOT THE MOM
OR THE TALL ONE.

AH.
I BLAME FOREVER 21.

YOU KNOW, THEY SHOULD
REALLY CALL THAT PLACE
"FACE IT, YOU'RE 50."

PAINTBALL IS AWESOME!

Kristin: WHAT?

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED

TO "WAIT AND LET'S SEE
IF THEY NOTICE"?

YOU SAID HE WAS
TAKING HIM FACE PAINTING.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT
A LITTLE BIT ON HIS FACE.

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S ACTUALLY
GERMAN SPICY MUSTARD.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU,
MIKE.

I MEAN, AFTER EVERYTHING
WE TALKED ABOUT,

YOU TAKE HIM
PAINTBALLING?

THIS IS NOT PAINTBALL.

IT'S CALLED SPLAT-BALL.
IT'S LOW-IMPACT.

IT'S JUST FOR KIDS.
WHY WAS HE EVEN THERE?

THEY CAME TO PICK ME UP
FROM PAINTBALL,

AND THERE WERE SOME KIDS
FROM BOYD'S SCHOOL PLAYING.

THE LUCKY ONES
THAT DIDN'T GET INVITED

TO THAT WEENIE SPENCER'S PARTY,
OKAY?

IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF KIDS.
THEY SAW BOYD SITTING THERE.

THEY INVITED HIM TO PLAY.
HE MADE A BUNCH OF FRIENDS.

THAT WAS THE IDEA --
TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS, RIGHT?

YEAH, FRIENDS WITH GUNS --
THAT'S CALLED A GANG.

THEY EVEN GAVE ME
A NICKNAME.
YEAH?

"BULLSEYE," LIKE A SCARY EYE
ON A BIG, TOUGH BULL.

YEAH, THAT'S...PROBABLY
WHY THEY GAVE YOU THAT NICKNAME.

HE SEEMED TO REALLY HIT IT OFF
WITH THIS KID MAX.

MAX IS GONNA PLAY AGAIN
NEXT WEEK. CAN I GO, TOO, DAD?

SOUNDS LIKE HE REALLY DID
HAVE A GOOD TIME.

MAX CAN DRINK SODA
THROUGH HIS NOSE.

WELL, UH, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BUDDY SPENCER?

SPENCER'S MOM
WON'T LET HIM DRINK SODA.

BABE, PLEASE?

I GUESS WE'LL BE SEEING
A LOT MORE OF MAX.

MAX IS GOOD PEOPLE.

THE KID WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO SHARE HIS AMMO WITH BOYD.

HERE, HERE...HERE.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A FEW MINUTES.

AND TELL SPENCER
I'LL WHIP HIM UP
SOME MAC AND CHEESE.

OF COURSE GLUTEN-FREE.

OF COURSE
WITHOUT THE CHEESE.

GREAT NEWS, BUDDY.

SPENCER'S COMING OVER
FOR A PLAYDATE.

YAY! I'M GONNA GO
BUILD A FORT!

OH. OKAY.

BUT A NONVIOLENT PEACE FORT
WHERE EVERYBODY IS WELCOME.

THAT IS GREAT THAT SANDRA'S
LETTING SPENCER COMING OVER.

I KNOW.
YEAH.

THAT'S THE KIND OF FRIEND
I WANT BOYD TO HAVE, YOU KNOW?

NOT THOSE GUNSLINGING
MINI PSYCHOS

YOUR DAD
HOOKED HIM UP WITH.

ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH, OKAY?

UH, HOW DID YOU GET SANDRA
TO AGREE?

OH, YOU KNOW,
I CAN BE VERY PERSUASIVE --

ESPECIALLY WHEN I USE
THE [Deep voice] NPR VOICE.

OH, YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU

OR...PLEDGE MONEY.

WELL, EITHER WAY,
YOU WILL GET A TOTE BAG.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOW, SANDRA JUST WANTED TO
MAKE SURE OUR HOUSE WAS SAFE --

YOU KNOW, NO GUNS,
NO MEAN DOGS OR ANYTHING.

UH, AND...
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

IS...THAT A PROBLEM?

DID WE GET AN INVISIBLE DOG
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

[ CHUCKLES ] NO.

IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
AS A PARENT,

I CAN'T IN GOOD CONSCIENCE
LIE TO ANOTHER MOM, SO...

WELL, YEAH, OKAY, BUT WE DIDN'T
LIE TO HER, SO...

WELL, WE ACTUALLY...
KIND OF...

HAVE A-A GUN.

[ LAUGHS ]

NO, WE DON'T.

I HAVE A GUN.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU HAVE A GUN?

I NEVER MENTIONED IT?

I MAY NOT LISTEN
TO EVERYTHING YOU SAY, KRIS,

BUT I REMEMBER
THE BIG ONES,

LIKE "I'M PREGNANT"
AND "I HAVE A GUN."

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN UNLOADED
AND COMPLETELY LOCKED UP.

YOU KNOW THAT SAFE THAT'S
ON THE TOP SHELF OF MY CLOSET?

YEAH.
THAT'S FOR JEWELRY.

HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN ME JEWELRY
WORTH PUTTING IN A SAFE?

OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.

BUT HOW COULD YOU BRING
A DEADLY WEAPON INTO OUR HOUSE

AND WHEN WERE YOU
GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT?

IDEALLY,
RIGHT AFTER SAVING YOUR LIFE

BY SHOOTING AN INTRUDER.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE,
KRIS!

LOOK, I GOT THE GUN
WHEN I WAS A KID.

I-I KNOW
THIS MAY SOUND CRAZY TO YOU,

BUT FROM MY DAD,
IT WAS A LOVING GIFT.

HE -- HE WOULD TAKE ME
TO THE TARGET RANGE

AND TEACH ME
GUN SAFETY,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS, WE'D GO OUT
AND GET ROOT-BEER FLOATS.

OKAY, LOOK, I AM GLAD
THAT YOU HAVE THESE WARM...

VIOLENT MEMORIES
WITH YOUR FATHER,

BUT YOU DON'T LIVE WITH HIM
ANYMORE.

THIS IS OUR HOUSE --

A PLACE WHERE PARENTS
EXPECT THEIR KIDS TO BE SAFE,

A-A PLACE WHERE
THERE'S NO GUNS IN THE CLOSET

AND NO CHEESE
IN THE MAC AND CHEESE.

WELL, MY DAD WOULD ARGUE THAT
HAVING A GUN MAKES IT SAFER.

BUT WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE,
KRIS?

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

LOOK,
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE THAT.

SPENCER'S HERE!

WAIT, HONEY.
DON'T ANSWER IT YET.

WHY? SO YOU CAN LAY DOWN
SOME COVER FIRE?

[ SIGHS ]

THAT'S GREAT.

NOW YOU GO UP AND PUT
SOMETHING PROPER ON, YOUNG LADY.

SORRY. JUST HABIT.

THIS IS WHAT I'M WEARING TO HAVE
COCKTAILS WITH MY FRIENDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT I THINK IS,
"SUCK IT, MEN. I WIN."

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SHE'S SPEECHLESS. ANOTHER REASON
TO LOVE THAT DRESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I MAY NOT ROCK IT
LIKE SOMEBODY YOUNGER WOULD,

BUT I THINK
I LOOK PRETTY DARN NICE.

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH.
STOP.

TURN.

TURN.

TURN.
NO, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M NOT TURNING.

NO, NO, KEEP SPINNING.
IT'LL SAVE MONEY ON BOOZE.

MANDY,
WHAT -- WHAT IS IT?

MOM...

I WAS WRONG TO THINK
THAT YOU CAN'T WEAR MY DESIGNS

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD.

THAT WAS SO CLOSE
TO A COMPLIMENT.

YOU LOOK SMOKIN'-HOT,
MOM.

[ LAUGHS ]
THANK YOU.

I'M A MIRACLE WORKER.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

YOU'VE PROVED MANDY WRONG.

JOIN THE CLUB --
THE HUGE CLUB.

YEAH. IT FEELS GREAT --
REALLY GREAT.

GOOD.
YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO
TAKE THIS DRESS OFF NOW.

WHY?
I PROVED MY POINT.

I JUST -- I WANT TO GO
OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS
AND FEEL COMFORTABLE.

DON'T YOU WANT THEM
TO SEE THIS?

BET YOU SUZY'S REACTION --
SURPRISE, EXCITEMENT, JEALOUSY.

KIND OF HARD TO TELL WITH
THE BOTOX. IT'LL JUST BE...

WELL...IT IS NICE

TO LET THE GIRLS OUT
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

BELIEVE ME,
THE BOYS LIKE IT.

OKAY.
WELL, THEN I'LL WEAR IT.

GOOD. GOOD.
HAVE FUN.

DON'T WAIT UP.

OH, I'LL BE UP.

[ Laughing ] WOW.
MOM, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

I KNOW.

HEY, HEY, DAD, UH,
CAN I TALK TO YOU?

UH, SURE.

YOU KNOW, THE BEST THING
ABOUT YOU MOVING OUT

IS I GET TO SEE
SO MUCH OF YOU.

UM, LOOK, I...
I NEED YOU...

TO KEEP THIS HERE
FOR ME.

YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE,
HAVEN'T YOU?

WE GOT TO
GET OUR STORIES STRAIGHT.

NO, UH, RYAN DOESN'T WANT IT
IN THE APARTMENT.

TAKING ORDERS
FROM RYAN, HUH?

IT WAS MY DECISION.

IT'S YOUR RIGHT.

IT'S ALSO MY RIGHT TO TELL YOU
IT'S A STUPID DECISION.

IN THE CAR ON THE WAY OVER HERE,
I WAS, UH, THINKING

ABOUT THAT SUMMER UP AT CAMP
WHEN YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOOT.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

UH, TICK SUMMER.

NO, THAT WAS
THE SUNBURN SUMMER.

YEAH.

YOU LINED UP THE CANS
ON THE FENCE,

AND YOU TOLD ME TO PRETEND
THAT THEY WERE CRAIG GERARD

BECAUSE HE KEPT CALLING ME
"SISSY KRISSY."

HE ENDED UP MARRYING
A DUDE, DIDN'T HE?
MM-HMM.

SO HE WAS PROBABLY
JUST PROJECTING BACK THEN.

AND WHEN I WAS 16...

YOU GAVE ME THIS GUN.

I HAD A BIG FIGHT
WITH YOUR MOM ABOUT THAT.

SHE SAID
WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAR.

I SAID WITH A GUN, YOU CAN GET
WHATEVER CAR YOU WANT.

WHEN I MOVED OUT,

UH, I KNEW I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU
TO PROTECT ME ANYMORE,

BUT I HAD THIS.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS
A SORT OF PIECE OF YOU WITH ME,

AND IT MADE IT
A LOT EASIER.

BUT I'M
GETTING MARRIED NOW,

AND I WANT RYAN TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE IN OUR HOME,

SO I AM GETTING RID
OF THE COUCH

AND ANYTHING
THAT KILLS PEOPLE.

THANK GOD YOU GOT BOYD AROUND
TO PROTECT YOU.

THAT AND WE DON'T OWN
ANYTHING WORTH STEALING, SO...

WELL, CERTAINLY
NOT ANYMORE.

DAD --

I GET IT.
I GET IT, OKAY?

ARE YOU MAD?
NO, I'M NOT MAD.

I JUST WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER --

WHEN HE'S OUT DELIVERING
FOR A WEEKEND

AND YOU HEAR SOME NOISE
IN THE HOUSE THAT SCARES YOU --

I KNOW, I KNOW --
DON'T COME CRYING TO YOU.

NO. YOU CALL ME.

I'LL BE THERE
BEFORE YOU HANG UP THE PHONE.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS --
THE ACTUAL BILL OF RIGHTS.

I GOT TO GET THIS BACK.
THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY UPSET.

THIS SACRED DOCUMENT
MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS

TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

TO A PATRIOT, IT'S A SAFEGUARD
FOR THOSE PERSONAL FREEDOMS

WE HOLD BACK
FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

FOR NIC CAGE,
IT'S A CODED TREASURE MAP

LEADING HIM
TO BEN FRANKLIN'S GOLD.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT --
BOY, THAT'S A BIG ONE.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND RELIGION,
ALSO KNOWN AS

"WHY YOU CAN'T SHOVE
A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
OFF YOUR PORCH."

SECOND AMENDMENT --
OH, BOY, HERE WE GO --

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

AND BY "ARMS," I THINK
THE FOUNDERS ALSO MEANT...

FINGER GUNS.

OUTDOOR MAN ENCOURAGES
GUN RIGHTS, SAFETY,

AND RESPECT FOR OTHERS.

OUR FOCUS MUST BE ON
KEEPING GUNS IN PROPER HANDS.

NOW, 99% OF YOU GUN OWNERS
ARE SMART, SANE PEOPLE.

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,
SO GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

THIS MESSAGE IS
FOR THE CRAZY PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU WEAR FULL-BODY ARMOR

AND CARRY AN AK-47
TO ORDER A BURRITO AT CHIPOTLE.

NOT NECESSARY.

IF YOU ASK POLITELY,
THEY'LL GIVE THE EXTRA SALSA.

BESIDES, THE LAST THING
YOU FOLKS NEED IS "SPICY FOOD."

YOU NEED HELP.
TALK TO SOMEBODY.

AND THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
DON'T COUNT.

FOR THE REST OF US,

LET'S CONTINUE TO EXERCISE
OUR GUN RIGHTS RESPONSIBLY.

THAT WAY,
WE CAN KEEP BIG GOVERNMENT

FROM CLIMBING INTO BED
WITH US --

UNLESS YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
IS BEING SPOONED BY...

NANCY PELOSI.