Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - Three Sundays - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
WAS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[ SIGHS ]

HAPPY SUNDAY, SIR.
AND MRS. SIR.

KYLE,
WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

WE'RE JUST HAVING
A BABY TOGETHER.

HOW OLD-FASHIONED
DO YOU THINK WE ARE?

THANKS FOR THE LIFT, HONEY.
YEAH.

IT'S A PLEASURE DRIVING
YOU ANYWHERE, EDDIE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I'M GONNA GET HOME

WITHOUT SOMEONE TELLING ME
I'M TOO CLOSE



TO THE CAR
IN FRONT OF ME.

ONE CAR LENGTH FOR
EVERY 10 MILES AN HOUR.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE CARRYING
PRECIOUS CARGO.

I KNOW. YOUR CONGA DRUMS
ARE IN THE BACK.

[ BOTH SMOOCH ]

ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD DAY.

[ Grunting ] THERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT.

SO, WHAT'S THIS MORNING'S
MYSTERY PASTRY?

OKAY, I DON'T
WANT TO GIVE IT AWAY...
UH-HUH.

...BUT BEAR IN MIND,

AN ANIMAL WOULD LOVE TO
GET HIS CLAWS ON THIS.

I'M GONNA GO
WITH "BEARCLAW."

NO,
IT'S AN APPLE FRITTER.

GET IT?



BEARS FRITTER AWAY THEIR DAY
EATING APPLES.

WHAT KIND OF A CRAZY BEAR
WOULD EAT HIS OWN CLAW?

IT'S AWFULLY EARLY
FOR THIS, SON.

[ SIGHS ]

ANOTHER DAY IS RISING
ON MY KINGDOM.

[ CHUCKLES ] I-I TREASURE
THE CHANCE TO INSPECT MY DOMAIN

BEFORE ALL THE CUSTOMERS
ARRIVE, HUH?
YEAH.

YEAH.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL LIKE THIS.

I WISH THE STORE COULD
ALWAYS BE TOTALLY EMPTY.

THAT'S A SOLID
BUSINESS PLAN.

ALL RIGHT,
STORE OPENS IN AN HOUR.

TAKE A LOOK AROUND
AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.

YEP.
OKAY, WELL,
I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE --

STOP IT. DO IT RIGHT.
COME ON.

UM, WELL, THE SPACING ON
THE JACKET RACK IS UNEVEN, SIR.

THAT'S GOOD. GOOD.
WHAT ELSE?

OH, THERE'S
A MANNEQUIN DOWN.

OOH, NEVER GOOD
IN THE HUNTING DEPARTMENT.

SENDS THE WRONG MESSAGE.

LOOKS LIKE HIS BUDDY SENT HIM
TO MANNEQUIN HEAVEN, HUH?

OH, NO. MANNEQUINS
DON'T GO TO HEAVEN, SIR.

THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE
OR OWLS.

AH, I SEE.

I KNOW THESE SUNDAY MORNING
WALK-THROUGHS

ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU,
BUT I DO MISS GOING TO CHURCH.

UH-HUH.
AND MY PASTOR BROUGHT UP
THAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

A LOT OF SERVICES.

HMM, WELL, TELL YOUR PASTOR
YOU WORK SUNDAYS

AND THAT HE SOUNDS
A LITTLE PUSHY.

HUH?

DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
THE TIME I MET SAMMY DAVIS JR.?

IT WAS IN
THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT

OF A SUPERMARKET
IN CHERRY HILL, NEW JERSEY.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
YOU NEVER SLAP A GUY

WITH A GLASS EYE
ON THE BACK, NO.

[ STAMMERS ]

E-ESPECIALLY
NEAR THE GRAPES.

I MEAN...
[ CHUCKLES ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

OH-HO-HO.
[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

CAN'T BE ANYTHING
YOUR MOM SAID.

YOU KNOW, INSULTING
THE PERSON MAKING YOUR STEW?

THAT IS PRETTY
"STEW-PID."

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU JUST MAKE MY POINT.
REALLY, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

MANDY'S JUST SHOWING US
SELFIES ON HER PHONE.
OH.

Mandy: I'M NOT SHOWING THEM
ALL MY SELFIES.

DON'T SCROLL TOO FAR
TO THE RIGHT PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, #SundayDinner
WithMyBeautifulFam.

DAD! NO,
YOU'RE IN MY SHOT.

THE MOST OVER-DOCUMENTED
GENERATION EVER.

NEIL ARMSTRONG
LANDED ON THE MOON,

ONLY TOOK FIVE PICTURES
OF HIMSELF.

MANDY TAKES FIVE OF HERSELF
JUST WALKING OUT THE DOOR.

AH, TO BE FAIR,

MANY OF MY FASHION CHOICES
ARE A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND.

WAIT, SO, THAT ARMSTRONG GUY
WALKED ON THE MOON

AND HE WON
THE TOUR DE FRANCE?

MAYBE
I SHOULD TRY STEROIDS.

YOU SHOULD
TRY SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I AGREE
WITH YOU ABOUT SELFIES.

THE INTERNET IS CLUTTERED
WITH WORTHLESS IMAGES.

SORRY. WORTHLESS?
TRY TELLING THAT TO MY 50 LIKES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

ACTUALLY, I DO TAKE
A LOT OF SELFIES

WHEN I'M DRIVING
MY BEER TRUCK.

BUT I'M USING THEM
TO MAKE A STATEMENT.

WHAT'S THE STATEMENT?

"I DRIVE AN 18-WHEELER
WITH MY KNEE"?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

WE WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING
TO HAPPEN TO ALL THAT COLD BEER.

I PULL OVER ALONG MY ROUTE AND
I TAKE THESE PROTEST SELFIES.

HE'S DRAWING ATTENTION
TO VARIOUS INJUSTICES.

MM-HMM.
OOH, THANKS.

THIS IS ME AT
WARREN AIR FORCE BASE,

WHERE WE STOCKPILE
OUR NUKES.

NICE JOB, HIPPIE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
DRAW ISIS A MAP?

AND THIS IS ME IN FRONT OF THE
"OUR LADY OF THE ROCKIES" STATUE

IN BUTTE, MONTANA.

"THESE MOUNTAINS
ALREADY HAD RELIGION"?

MM-HMM.
WHAT?

YEAH, A GROUP OF CHRISTIANS
PUT UP A 90-FOOT STATUE

OF THE VIRGIN MARY.

IT'S IN MOUNTAINS SACRED
TO NATIVE AMERICANS, OKAY?

IT'S AN AFFRONT.
MM. I DON'T KNOW.

ANY WOMAN WILLING TO GIVE BIRTH
WITHOUT GETTING TO HAVE SEX

DESERVES A STATUE.

IT'S NOT COOL TO
DISRESPECT ANYONE'S MOM.

ESPECIALLY JESUS'.

IT IS THE NATIVE AMERICANS WHO
HAVE BEEN DISRESPECTED, OKAY?

I'M JUST SPREADING THE WORD LIKE
YOU DO WITH YOUR VLOGS, MIKE.

I JUST SELL HUNTING
AND CAMPING GEAR.

WHILE CRITICIZING THE FAILED
POLICIES OF OUR PRESIDENT.

SO THE VLOGS WORK.
YOU ADMIT HE FAILED.

OH, MAN, RYAN,
YOU ONLY GOT TWO LIKES?

THAT'S REALLY SAD.
YOU GOT TO UP YOUR HASHTAG GAME.

TRY STUFF LIKE #hot, #love,
#side-boob.

#GoingToHellForTalkingAbout
VirginMaryAndSide-boobs.

IT'S NOT FAIR THAT HE CAN
SAY WHATEVER HE WANTS

ABOUT JESUS
AND HIS 90-FOOT MOM.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT, KID --
FREE SPEECH.

YOU KNOW, EVEN IF
IT'S THE SPEECH OF A JACKASS.

DO I HAVE AN AMENDMENT
FOR MY FREEDOM OF RELIGION?

[ Chuckling ]
IT'S THE SAME ONE.

YOU CAN PRACTICE WHATEVER
RELIGION YOU WANT.

NOBODY CAN TELL YOU
ANY DIFFERENT.

OH, THANKS, MR. B.

I-I DIDN'T WRITE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? AND THANK YOU
FOR SUPPORTING MY RIGHT

TO BE A JACKASS AND SPEAK
MY MIND. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

AND I'LL CALL YOU A JACKASS
ANYTIME YOU WANT ME TO.

"JACKASS."

SOUNDS LIKE RYAN'S GOT
A NEW NICKNAME, MR. B.

[ Chuckling ] THAT'S JUST
'CAUSE DUMBASS WAS TAKEN.

[ Chuckling ] OH, MAN, YOU
DODGED A BULLET THERE, RYAN.

HEY, DAD, A COUPLE MORE THINGS
ABOUT THE RESTAURANT.

SO,
FOR THE LIQUOR LICENSE,

WE NEED TO DECIDE BETWEEN JUST
BEER AND WINE OR A FULL BAR.

WE'RE GETTING PEOPLE
USED TO YAK MEAT -- FULL BAR.

OH, I'LL GET ON IT.

AND THE CONTRACTOR THINKS
THAT WE SHOULD CLOSE THE STORE

FOR TWO FULL DAYS
WHILE WE DEMO.

ED'S TOO CHEAP FOR THAT.

I HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING HIM
TO SHUT THE PLACE DOWN AT NIGHT.

GO TO THE WAREHOUSE,

WE'LL JUST GET THE BARRIERS UP
THAT SAY "PARDON OUR MESS."

OR BETTER YET, BORROW THEM
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

HEY, MR. ALZATE,
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT OUR SUNDAY-MORNING
WALK-THROUGHS.

YES, ME TOO, KYLE.
NO MORE APPLE FRITTERS.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT
THAT BRAN MUFFIN WAS

TO THE REST OF MY WEEK.

NO, I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT
COMING IN ON SUNDAYS ANYMORE.

IT'S THE LORD'S DAY
OF REST.

YES, IT'S THE LORD'S
DAY OF REST.

YOU CREATE THE UNIVERSE
IN SIX DAYS,

YOU CAN TAKE
SUNDAY OFF, TOO.

BUT I WANT TO EXERCISE
MY FREEDOM OF RELIGION.

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING
THIS NONSENSE?

THE CONSTITUTION.

AND AN EVEN HIGHER
AUTHORITY -- MR. B.

WELL, I ADMIRE
THIS NEW ASSERTIVE ATTITUDE.

IT'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING
I'LL LOOK FOR

IN THE GUY I HIRE
TO REPLACE YOU.

WAIT.
SO YOU'RE SAYING NO?

DON'T WORRY. I'LL PUT IN A GOOD
WORD FOR YOU WITH THE LORD.

ALL RIGHT? CHANCES ARE I'LL BE
SEEING HIM BEFORE YOU DO.

UNLESS YOU KEEP
BUGGING ME ABOUT THIS.

BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

PLEASE, PLEASE,
END OF DISCUSSION.

ED.
YEAH?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT -- WHOA!

WHAT?
DID YOU ROB A PHARMACY?

MM.

I REQUIRE
A LOT OF MAINTENANCE.

I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THE OUTDOOR MAN GRILL.

EXCUSE US
FOR A MINUTE.

NO, MIKE,
I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.

HEY, I-I'LL PRAY FOR
YOUR HEADACHE, MR. ALZATE.

IF GOD EVEN REMEMBERS
WHO I AM.

WHAT'S WITH THE KID?

OH,
KYLE WANTS SUNDAY OFF.

SOMEONE PUT IT IN HIS HEAD THAT
IT'S HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM
LETTING HIM HAVE SUNDAY OFF?

YOU COULD GET SOMEBODY ELSE
TO COME BY THE STORE

AND READ STORIES
TO THE TROUT.

IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE,
MIKE.

PEOPLE LIKE
SLIPPERY SLOPES.

JUST TRY TO GO TO VAIL
ON THE WEEKEND.

IF I GIVE KYLE
THE DAY OFF,

EVERYBODY ELSE
WILL WANT THEIR HOLIDAY,

AND THIS HANUKKAH
CAN POP UP ANYTIME.

THEY'RE ALWAYS MOVING IT AROUND.
I DON'T TRUST IT.

YOU GIVE GUYS THE DAY OFF
TO GO TO THE BRONCOS GAMES.

THAT'S 16 TIMES A YEAR.

WELL, LET'S NOT FORGET
THE ONE PLAYOFF GAME.

WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW?

I'M TRYING TO RUN
A BUSINESS.
YEAH?

KYLE WORKS SUNDAYS,
AND THAT'S IT!

WELL, IF YOU GET CRANKY
ABOUT IT,

MAYBE I'LL TAKE
THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

I THINK IT ACTUALLY
IS HANUKKAH.

GUYS, CHECK IT OUT --
BECAUSE OF MY ADVICE,

RYAN IS UP TO 2,000 FOLLOWERS
FOR HIS PROTEST AGAINST STATUES.

WHAT?

THAT'S ONLY 27 MILLION LESS

THAN THAT CHAIN-SMOKING BABY
ON THE INTERNET.

BABIES CAN SMOKE?

YES, BOYD.

BECAUSE CONSTANTLY
THROWING UP AND POOPING

DOESN'T MAKE THEM
DISGUSTING ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND PLAY BEFORE DINNER, OKAY?

OKAY.

IT'S GREAT THAT RYAN'S SELFIES
ARE STARTING TO HAVE AN IMPACT.

HE'S BEEN
TRAVELING SO MUCH,

HE'S HAD TO NEGLECT
HIS OTHER CAUSES.

I KNOW.

NOW'S THE TIME
TO CHOP DOWN THE RAINFORESTS

AND PIG OUT ON DOLPHIN.

DO NOT SAY THAT
AROUND DAD.

HE'LL WANT TO SERVE DOLPHIN
BURGERS AT OUTDOOR MAN GRILL.

Vanessa: ALL RIGHT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GET POLITICS OUT
BEFORE DINNER

BECAUSE I AM MAKING
A GREEK SALAD HERE,

WHICH SOMEHOW YOUR FATHER
WILL TURN INTO A LECTURE

ON THE DECLINE
OF THE EURO.

I'VE NOTICED A DECLINE
IN EUROS LATELY, TOO.

I THINK THEY'RE GETTING REALLY
STINGY WITH THAT YOGURT SAUCE.

WELL, LOOK WHO'S
ALL DRESSED UP.
WOW! YEAH.

WHO DIED?

JESUS.

YEAH, FOR OUR SINS.
BUT THEN HE CAME BACK.

THERE'S A WHOLE BOOK
ABOUT IT.

HOW WAS CHURCH, BABE?

OH, REAL GOOD.

I HADN'T BEEN TO A SUNDAY
MORNING SERVICE IN MONTHS.

AND THE SERMON WAS GREAT.
WE ARE ALL DOOMED.

WHOA. HEY, BABE, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE ON A DELIVERY RUN TO YUMA.

I HAVE BEEN SUSPENDED.

MY PROTEST PICS HAVE COME
TO THE ATTENTION OF THE MAN.

AND THE MAN IS
COMING DOWN ON ME, MAN.

OH, I AM REALLY SORRY
TO HEAR THAT, MAN.

OH, GOD, NOW YOU
GOT ME SAYING IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
GONE UP AGAINST GOD.

HE CAN BE VERY VENGEFUL.

I THOUGHT THAT GOD
WAS PURE LOVE.

YEAH, BUT HE'S NOT
A BIG WUSS ABOUT IT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOW LONG
ARE YOU GONNA BE SUSPENDED?

JUST TILL I TAKE DOWN
THE PROTEST SELFIES.

YOU KNOW, AND FINALLY WHEN I'M
STARTING TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE,

THEY TAKE AWAY MY VOICE.

YOU'RE LIKE THE LITTLE MERMAID
OF BEER-TRUCK DRIVERS.

GROCERY STORE WAS PACKED.

HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

GOOD TO SEE YOU,
TOO, MIKE.

KRIS SAID YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT
TO SUNDAY DINNER.

THE ONLY VEGETABLE I GOT
WAS CHICKEN.

RYAN GOT SUSPENDED
OVER HIS PROTEST SELFIES.

YEAH, HE HAD TO TURN
IN HIS BEADED BACKREST

AND HIS TINY, LITTLE
PINE-TREE AIR FRESHENER.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
YOU CANNOT LOSE THAT JOB.

I AM GONNA CAVE
AND TAKE DOWN THE PHOTOS.

THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.

I THOUGHT YOU SUPPORTED
MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH, MIKE?

I DO, BUT I ALSO SUPPORT
YOUR COMPANY'S RIGHT

TO TELL YOU TO STUFF IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU PROBABLY
SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN YOUR UNIFORM

IN THE SELFIES, GENIUS.

NOT A LOT OF PROTESTS
ARE CORPORATE SPONSORED.

BEER DRINKERS DON'T WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT WORLD PROBLEMS.

THAT'S WHY
THEY DRINK BEER.

YOU GET TO DO YOUR VLOGS
AND EXPRESS YOUR OPINION
WHENEVER YOU WANT.

THAT'S BECAUSE MANAGEMENT
APPROVES OF MY MESSAGE.

OF COURSE,
YOU'RE MANAGEMENT.

WELL, THAT DOES STREAMLINE
THE APPROVAL PROCESS.

SO, IN AMERICA, IF YOU REALLY
WANT TO HAVE FREE SPEECH,

YOU NEED TO BE THE BOSS.

OH, LOOK, CANADA BOY
JUST FIGURED OUT AMERICA.

MAYBE INSTEAD OF PICKING
A FIGHT WITH GOD,

YOU COULD HAVE COME WITH ME
TO CHURCH.

AND THE CHOIR COULD
HAVE USED ANOTHER TENOR

ON "OLD RUGGED CROSS."

I'M REALLY PROUD
OF KYLE.

HE STOOD UP TO MR. ALZATE
AND EXERCISED HIS RIGHT

TO WORSHIP
AS HE SEES FIT.

I DIDN'T GO WITH HIM
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE FIT.

GOOD FOR YOU, KYLE.

THANKS, MR. B.
YEAH.

WAIT, SO YOU SUPPORT HIM
FOR STANDING UP TO ED,

BUT I HAVE TO ROLL OVER
FOR MY BOSS?

BIGGER FAN OF JESUS
THAN LEFTY POLITICS.

WHAT? JESUS WAS
THE ORIGINAL LEFTY.

I DON'T THINK I'D LET THE HAIR
AND THE SANDALS FOOL YOU.

HE HAD A LOT OF RUN-INS
WITH BIG GOVERNMENT.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR YOUR SUPPORT, MIKE.

I'M BACK TO SAYING THAT
SARCASTICALLY.

HONEY, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
COME HELP ME LIGHT THE GRILL?

COME ON.
YOU KNOW HOW
TO LIGHT THE GRILL.

SERIOUSLY. YOU'RE GONNA TRUST ME
TO TOUCH YOUR MAN STOVE?

OKAY.
COME. COME.

[ SIGHS ]
IT'S ALL RIGHT, RYAN.

NOT EVERYONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH
TO BE A SMOKING BABY.

YOU KNOW, MIKE,
BOTH OF THOSE BOYS

ARE DESPERATE
FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ALL I DO AROUND HERE
IS DOLE OUT PRAISE.

BY THE WAY,
YOU'RE DOING THIS WRONG.

YOU'RE GONNA BLOW YOURSELF UP.
YOU GOT TO VENT IT.

GO AHEAD.

NEITHER OF THEM HAS HAD
MUCH OF A FATHER IN HIS LIFE.

AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR RYAN
WHEN YOU FAVOR KYLE.

I KNOW. IT'S SAD.

YES, I KNOW.
I FEEL FOR RYAN.

NO, IT'S SAD FOR ME.

IF I'M CHOOSING KYLE,

IT JUST SHOWS HOW BAD
MY OPTIONS ARE.

MORNING, KYLE.

MORNING, MR. B.

HEY, ED.
HMM?

WHY IS KYLE WASHING YOUR TRUCK
IN A BEAR COSTUME?

'CAUSE MY CAR'S DIRTY
AND IT'S FUNNY.

ED, THAT'S TRUE,
BUT WHY THE BIKINI?

SEX SELLS, MIKEY.

KIND OF HARD ON KYLE THESE DAYS,
AREN'T YOU?

WE WALK THE STORE TOGETHER
SUNDAY MORNINGS.

IT'S IMPORTANT, RIGHT?

HE JUST WANTS TO OBSERVE
THE SABBATH, RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL,
HE CAN OBSERVE IT

THROUGH THE EYE HOLES
OF A BEAR SUIT.

HE'S LUCKY
HE STILL HAS A JOB.

HE'S LUCKY A MALE BEAR
DOESN'T SEE HIM IN THAT BIKINI.

ED, COME ON.
WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH YOU?

IT'S NOTHING, NOTHING,
NOTHING, NOTHING.

OKAY, KYLE CAN
HAVE SUNDAYS OFF.

NOW CAN
YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

ED, WHAT'S UP?

[ SIGHS ]

WENDI LOST THE BABY.

IT HAPPENED A FEW DAYS AGO.
IT WAS ALWAYS A LONG SHOT.

I GUESS I WAS...

I WAS STUPID
TO GET MY HOPES UP.

I'M SORRY, ED.

IT WAS GONNA BE A BOY,
TOO.

[ CHUCKLES ]
MY ONE AND ONLY SON.

YEAH.

ANYTHING I CAN DO?

YEAH, YOU CAN
LEAVE ME ALONE.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU TODAY
ABOUT AN EPIDEMIC

SWEEPING THIS COUNTRY.

AND I DON'T MEAN
THE "ONE DIRECTION INFECTION."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M TALKING ABOUT DADS
WHO'VE ABANDONED THEIR KIDS.

REALLY, CALLING YOU "DADS"
IS WAY TOO GENEROUS.

YOU CAME TO THE PARTY,

BUT DIDN'T STICK AROUND
TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR KID'S A MESS.
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT.

BOYS FROM FATHERLESS HOMES
ARE MORE LIKELY

TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL,
USE DRUGS,

AND NOT SEND YOU AN UGLY TIE
ON FATHER'S DAY.

THEY NEED DADS, DADS TO
TEACH THEM HOW TO BE MEN.

STUFF LIKE THROWING A BALL,
SHAVING CORRECTLY,

GIVING A FIRM HANDSHAKE.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON --
SHOWING THE HELL UP.

RUNNING OUT ON YOUR SON IS
A SLAP IN THE FACE TO ALL MEN,

ESPECIALLY MEN WHO NEVER
HAD A CHANCE TO RAISE ONE.

CURIOUS --

SIX OF OUR LAST EIGHT PRESIDENTS
ONLY HAD DAUGHTERS.

MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING
ABOUT POWERFUL, SUCCESSFUL MEN.

DID I MENTION THAT I HAVE
THREE DAUGHTERS?

HUH. ONE MORE THAN OBAMA.

BUT YOU ABSENTEE FATHERS STILL
HAVE TIME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

COME DOWN TO OUTDOOR MAN
FOR THE "DEADBEAT DAD DAY."

SHOW US THE COURT ORDER
YOU'RE IN VIOLATION OF

AND WE'LL GIVE YOU 15% OFF
AND A KICK IN THE ASS.

I'LL THROW THAT IN FOR FREE.

BUY A FISHING POLE,
TAKE HIM FISHING.

BUY HIM A TENT
AND TAKE HIM CAMPING.

BUY A BOAT BECAUSE, DAMN IT,
WE NEED TO SELL SOME BOATS.

MAYBE ONE DAY YOUR SON
WILL INVITE YOU

TO HIS HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATION.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO WEAR
AN UGLY TIE,

BUT YOU'LL WEAR IT PROUDLY,
'CAUSE YOU EARNED IT.

HEY, YOU WANTED TO
SEE ME, MR. B?

COME ON IN. WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR BIKINI?

OH, I TOOK IT OFF.
I LOOKED RIDICULOUS.

UH, LISTEN, PULL UP AN ICEBERG.
I GOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK
SUNDAY ANYMORE.

AND THIS IS OKAY
WITH MR. ALZATE?

IT WAS HIS IDEA.

AND HE DIDN'T COME
BY THAT DECISION EASILY.

I GUESS HE LIKES WALKING AROUND
THE STORE WITH YOU ON SUNDAY.

THAT'S LIKE CHURCH
TO HIM.

BUT I MEAN, HE CAN GET ANYBODY
TO WALK THE FLOOR WITH HIM.

I GUESS HE LIKES
WALKING AROUND WITH YOU.

REALLY?

SOMETIMES WE'RE
MORE IMPORTANT TO PEOPLE

THAN WE REALLY KNOW.

BUT YOU'RE GETTING OUT
OF THE BEAR COSTUME NOW.

RIGHT. THANK YOU.
THIS THING IS SO HOT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW
POLAR BEARS WEAR THEM.

YOU KNOW, THAT MUST BE
WHY GLOBAL WARMING

MAKES THEM SO SAD.

SOME PEOPLE THINK
THAT'S A MYTH.

YOU CAN'T FOOL ME,
MR. B.

UNLIKE REINDEER,
POLAR BEARS ARE REAL.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

DAD.
HEY, KRIS.

HEY. I WASN'T
EXPECTING YOU.

YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING BOYD.
YOU LEARNED TO LOVE HIM.

YEAH...

I'M ACTUALLY HERE
TO SEE RYAN.

IS HE IN ONE OF THE TWO
PLACES IN THIS APARTMENT

THAT I CAN'T SEE?

[ SIGHS ] HONEY?
WILL YOU BE GENTLE, OKAY?

THOSE PROTESTS WERE
REALLY IMPORTANT TO HIM.

IT WAS LIKE HIS BOSS TOOK AWAY
A PART OF WHO HE IS.

THE PART
THAT NOBODY LIKES.

HEY, MIKE. TO WHAT
DO WE OWE THIS PLEASURE?

NOW, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THIS
WAS GOING TO BE A PLEASURE?

I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU,
BUT I GOT TO GET TO WORK, OKAY?

LOVE YOU.

I BETTER NOT COME HOME TO
FIND MY FIANCé IN THAT BAG.

I MAKE NO PROMISES,
HONEY.

WHAT'S UP?

WHY DID YOU GIVE UP
SO QUICKLY

ON TAKING THOSE SELFIES?

THAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU,
RIGHT?

YOU TOLD ME I WAS DOING
THE RIGHT THING.

NOW I'M REALLY CONFUSED,
MIKE.

YOU'RE A LEFTY VEGETARIAN.

YOU'RE A LOT CONFUSED.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
I HAVE A WAY

THAT YOU COULD TAKE THE PICTURES
AND KEEP YOUR JOB?

I'D SAY
YOU WERE A GENIUS.

GO AHEAD. SAY IT.
I WANT TO HEAR IT.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP.

HOW STUPID DO YOU
THINK I AM?

I PUT THAT ON, YOU'RE
GONNA TRY AND SHOOT ME.

SERIOUSLY? YOU WANT ME
TO WEAR THIS BEAR HEAD?

YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T BRING
THE BIKINI THAT GOES WITH IT.

WITH THIS BEAR HEAD ON,

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PICTURES
ANONYMOUSLY.

DON'T THINK OF IT
AS A SILLY COSTUME.

THINK OF IT AS MORE
OF A MARKETING TOOL.

ISN'T IT COWARDLY
NOT TO SHOW MY FACE?

WITH THAT FACE, YOU'RE DOING
PEOPLE A FAVOR, REALLY.

I MEAN, POLAR BEARS DO REPRESENT
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET.

THERE YOU GO.

DIDN'T TAKE YOU LONG TO
TURN THAT INTO A BUMMER.

FROM A BRANDING POINT OF VIEW,
IT'S MORE EFFECTIVE THIS WAY.

"A BEAR THAT CARES."

IT'S BETTER THAN
"CRYIN' RYAN FROM CANADA."

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS,
MIKE?

BECAUSE
YOU HAVE A SON.

AND YOU SHOULD SHOW HIM
WHAT A MAN LOOKS LIKE

THAT STANDS UP
FOR HIS PRINCIPLES.

APPARENTLY LIKE A BEAR.
YEAH.

THANKS.
I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

RIGHT. THERE'S VELCRO IN THERE.
TRY IT ON. SEE IF IT FITS.

ALL RIGHT.
[ SNIFFS ]

WHAT THE HELL?

OH, PFFT!
YOU SHOULD AIR IT OUT.

I MIGHT HAVE
FARTED IN IT.

THAT'S FOR TAKING A SHOT
AT THE VIRGIN MARY.

[ SIGHS ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

GOOD MORNING,
MR. ALZATE.

KYLE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

WAIT,
ISN'T THIS SUNDAY,

OR DID I TAKE ALL OF
MY WRONG PILLS THIS MORNING?

I, UH -- I CAME TO WALK
THE STORE WITH YOU.

AND I BROUGHT YOU
YOUR BRAN MUFFIN.

WHAT'S THE LORD
GONNA SAY ABOUT THIS?

HE'D SAY I'M DOING HIS WORK,
KEEPING MR. ALZATE REGULAR.

HMM.

THOSE MUFFINS
WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M GLAD YOU COULD
MAKE IT, SON.

ME TOO.
YEAH.

OKAY, LOOK,

IF WE WALK THROUGH THE STORE
QUICKLY, ALL RIGHT,

YOU CAN BE DONE IN TIME
FOR YOUR 11:00 CHURCH SERVICE.

ARE YOU SURE?

SURE, I KNOW GOD WANTS YOU

ALL TO HIMSELF TODAY.

BUT I DON'T MIND SHARING.

I CAN BE THE BIGGER MAN.

I SPY A TERRIFIC GUY.

COME ON. IT'S AWFULLY
EARLY FOR THAT.

YEAH.

DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THE TIME I RAN INTO

SAMMY DAVIS JR.
AT THE SUPERMARKET, HMM?

OH, AFTER THE SHOW
AT THE LATIN CASINO

IN CHERRY HILL,
NEW JERSEY?

NOPE.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO, SAMMY WAS
AT THE PRODUCE SECTION, RIGHT?

AND HE COMPLAINED THAT
THE BANANAS WERE A LITTLE SOFT,

SO I SUGGESTED THAT HE TAKE THEM
TO SEE A MAMIE VAN DOREN MOVIE.

[ LAUGHS ] SAMMY --
AND SAMMY JUST LOST IT.