Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Kyle's Friend - full transcript

HONEY,
DON'T YOU WANT ANY BACON?

DADDY SAYS
WHEN WE EAT BACON,

WE CONTRIBUTE TO THE GENOCIDE
OF A VERY INTELLIGENT ANIMAL.

WHEN A PIG CAN SPELL
THE WORD "GENOCIDE,"

I'LL STOP EATING THEM.
[ CHUCKLES ]

A PIG COULD WRITE AN OP-ED
IN THE NEW YORK TIMES,

AND YOU
WOULD STILL EAT HIM.

AND I WOULD HAVE SOMETHING
TO WRAP UP MY LEFTOVERS IN.
HMM.

MORNING, FAM.
YOU ALL REMEMBER JENNA?
Vanessa: HEY.

HI, JENNA.
HI, JENNA.

HOW WAS BRUNCH?



GREAT. HOPEFULLY MY LAST
WITHOUT A BOTTOMLESS MIMOSA.
YEAH?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

THE BIG 21
IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

YEAH, I CAN FINALLY GET
IN A CLUB

WITHOUT
A FAKE I.D...EA

OF WHAT NIGHTCLUBS
ARE REALLY LIKE.

I AM GONNA MISS ALL THESE
PATHETIC, LITTLE LIES.

Mike:
THE LYING WILL CONTINUE.

IT WILL JUST BE FUNNIER
BECAUSE SHE'LL BE LOADED.

I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO YOUR BIRTHDAY!

OH.
I HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY
TOO MUCH TIME IN MOMMY LAND,

SO, PLEASE, HAVE A REAL BIG
BLOWOUT, LIKE --

[ GASPS ] LIKE THAT FANCY BALL
IN "FROZEN."

OH, MY GOD,
IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE FOR ME.



COME ON, KID.
LET'S GO.

CAN WE WATCH
"FROZEN" AGAIN?

I WILL GIVE YOU $1,000
IF WE DON'T.

BYE.
BYE.

SPEAKING OF MONEY, SO...

WE GOT TO START TALKING
ABOUT MY PARTY.

WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS
PLENTY OF TIME

IN CASE YOU NEED TO
LIQUIFY SOME ASSETS, OKAY?

HONEY, HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE
TO LIQUIFY A $20 BILL?

SO FUNNY --
FOR JENNA'S BIRTHDAY,

HER DAD IS FLYING HER
AND HER 12 FRIENDS

OUT TO THE COACHELLA
MUSIC FESTIVAL.

OOH, AND THEY WANT TO ADOPT YOU?
WHERE DO WE SIGN?

MY DAD'S JUST DOING IT

TO SHOW UP MY MOM
AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND.

YEAH, WHO ARE
NOW BUYING JENNA

A BRAND-NEW ESCALADE
TO SHOW HIM UP.

THEY SAY IN DIVORCE,
IT'S THE KIDS WHO SUFFER,

BUT WE DO OKAY.
YEAH.

TRAGICALLY, MANDY'S PARENTS
ARE HAPPILY MARRIED,

SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO STUFF
TO IMPRESS HER.

MM, AND HE'S DOING
A HELL OF A JOB.

SORRY YOUR FOLKS
STILL LOVE EACH OTHER.

ENJOY YOUR ONE HOUSE.
THANK YOU.

LISTEN,
I DON'T EXPECT YOU GUYS

TO, LIKE, CHARTER A JET
FOR MY BIRTHDAY,

BUT HOW ABOUT WE JUST
RENT OUT A NIGHTCLUB

FOR 300
OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. WHAT'S
THAT PLACE WE LOVE ON COLFAX?
OH, YEAH.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT?
UM, OH, GOD.
OH, CHUCK E. CHEESE.

CHUCK E. CHEESE. WE LOVE THAT
PLACE. WE COULD RENT THAT OUT.

YEAH.
AND WE CAN HIRE
THAT LITTLE RAT TO DO STUFF,

LIKE DANCE AT THE TABLE.
OH, BUT NO.

UNLESS HE'S ALSO APPEARING
AT COACHELLA. SORRY.
COULD BE THAT.

COACHELLA --
ALL THOSE HIPSTERS IN ONE PLACE.

ONE DRONE STRIKE,

AND WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE
A PORKPIE HAT AGAIN.

MANDY,
WE HAVE NO INTENTION

OF BREAKING THE BANK
FOR THIS PARTY.

AND, EVE, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP
TALKING ABOUT BLOWING PEOPLE UP?

[ SCOFFS ]
THAT'S NOT FAIR!
YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, SOUNDS LIKE
WE'RE PRETTY FAR APART

ON THE WHOLE PARTY THING,
SO...LET'S TALK PRESENTS.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
HOW ABOUT A CAR?

[ LAUGHS ]
[ SCOFFS ] A NEW CAR?

I DON'T THINK SO,
NO.

GUYS, JENNA'S MOM
IS GETTING HER THAT ESCALADE,

AND I'M A WAY BETTER PERSON
THAN JENNA.

I ONLY HANG OUT WITH HER
'CAUSE SHE HAS NICE STUFF.

[ LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY ]
I'M NOT BUYING YOU AN ESCALADE.

DAD, THEY'RE REALLY PRACTICAL,
AND THEY'RE VERY SAFE.

WELL, IT DIDN'T PROTECT
TIGER WOODS

FROM AN ANGRY WIFE
WITH A 9-IRON.

THIS IS SO STUPID.
NO BIG PARTY, NO CAR.

COME ON!
I TOTALLY DESERVE THIS!

WELL, WHERE IS THIS
ENTITLED ATTITUDE COMING FROM?

COME ON. YOU WERE ACTING
SO MATURE LATELY.

EXACTLY, YOU OWE ME.
WE --

OWE YOU?

WE OWE YOU?

WE FED YOU. WE CLOTHED YOU.
WE EDUCATED YOU.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
IT WAS PUBLIC EDUCATION.

I'M NOT TAKING THE HIT
FOR THAT.

GUYS, LIKE,
21 IS THE LAST GOOD BIRTHDAY.

AFTER THAT,
THEY'RE ALL SAD.

IT'S LIKE 30, 40, 50,
DEAD.

LOOK AT THAT.

I'VE ALREADY PASSED,
AND YOU'RE WELL ON YOUR WAY.

LOOK AT THAT.

COME ON.

THE MANDY WE WERE HOPING
TO BUY A PRESENT FOR

IS THE MATURE ONE,

THE ONE WHO THINKS ABOUT
SOMEBODY OTHER THAN HERSELF.

SO BUY THAT MANDY AN ESCALADE,
AND WE'LL SHARE IT.

I LOVE YOU GUYS,

BUT, UH, SWING AND A MISS
ON THAT ONE.

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, BUDDY.

PAL, MOVE ALONG.

YOU CAN'T STAY HERE,
MAN.

COME -- KYLE?

[ SIGHS ]

SORRY, MR. LARABEE.

I'LL HEAD
INSIDE THE STORE.

YEAH, AND YOU MIGHT
WANT TO ASK FOR A RAISE.

-- Captions by VITAC --

SEE,
THE WAY I DO IT, KYLE,

IS I SLEEP AT HOME,
AND THEN I COME TO WORK.
[ CHUCKLES ]

I WAS WAITING
FOR MY FRIEND DAVE...
OH, THANK YOU.

...AND, UH,
I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.

UH, IS DAVE A FRIEND
THE REST OF US CAN SEE?

OF COURSE.
OKAY.

HE'S NOT LIKE MONTY,

THE GHOST THAT LIVES
IN THE BREAK ROOM.

DAVE LIVES
ON THE LOADING DOCK,

AND -- AND I FIGURED IF I WAITED
IN HIS SPOT, HE'D SHOW UP.

HE'S HOMELESS.

NO, HIS HOME
IS THE LOADING DOCK.

I'M WORRIED
'CAUSE HE'S GONE MISSING.

CAN A HOMELESS GUY
REALLY BE MISSING?

IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY'RE EXPECTED ANYWHERE.

WELL, I-I EXPECT
TO SEE DAVE EVERY MORNING.

I TAKE THEM OUR STALE DOUGHNUTS
AND BAGELS.

IF THAT'S ALL
HE'S BEEN EATING,

MAYBE HE WENT SOMEWHERE
LOOKING FOR FIBER.

HEY.

DOES DAVE WEAR
A BLUE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS HAT?

YEAH, BUT HE'S SECRETLY
A BRONCOS FAN.

YEAH, HE WANTS PEOPLE
TO SEE HIS HAT

AND THINK THAT CHARGER FANS
ARE BUMS

WHO SLEEP
IN THEIR OWN FILTH.

OH.

YOU GOT TO ADMIRE
HIS COMMITMENT.

OR MAYBE HE FOUND A HAT.

I SAW HIM
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO,

AND I RAN HIM
OFF THE PREMISES.

YOU WHAT?!
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

BECAUSE
IT'S CHUCK'S JOB.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET
TO DECIDE WHERE EVERYBODY LIVES.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE
YOU LOOK LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN

DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOD.

SERIOUSLY? HE'S LIKE
40 YEARS OLDER THAN ME.

WHAT'S ALL THE YELLING?
WHAT'S GOING ON?

KYLE CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME AND MORGAN FREEMAN.

WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?

MORGAN FREEMAN IS WHAT,
SIX, SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN YOU?

[ LAUGHTER ]

Ed: KYLE HAS BEEN
HARBORING THIS --

THIS HOMELESS GUY OUT
ON THE LOADING DOCK.

YEAH,
I KNOW THE ONE.

YEAH, WE CAN'T HAVE
VAGRANTS

LOITERING AROUND,
LOOKING FOR HANDOUTS.

DAVE IS VERY PROUD.
HE DOES NOT ASK FOR HANDOUTS.

HOW ABOUT THE BAGELS
AND THE DOUGHNUTS?

WELL, HE MAKES ME THROW THEM
IN THE DUMPSTER FIRST,

AND THEN HE HAS TO GO IN
AND GET THEM.

DAVE LIKES TO WORK
FOR EVERYTHING HE GETS.

YEAH, HE COULD
BE DANGEROUS, KYLE.

W-WHAT DO ANY OF US
REALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?

DAVID HILL IS HIS NAME.
BORN IN FLORIDA.

ACTUALLY WENT
TO BROWARD COMMUNITY COLLEGE,

MOVED TO ALBUQUERQUE,
BECAME A WELDER,

HURT HIMSELF
IN SOME INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT,

GOT KIND OF IN A PROBLEM
WITH PAINKILLERS,

DROPPED OUT,
HITCHHIKED AROUND THE COUNTRY,

ENDED UP IN DENVER,
UH, SIX, EIGHT MONTHS AGO.

WAIT A MINUTE. H-HOLD ON THERE.
[ STAMMERING ]

HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THIS NOW?

YOU SOUND LIKE
HOBO-PEDIA.

I WALKED BY HIM ONE DAY,
AND I SAID, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

TWO HOURS LATER,
I WISHED I'D SAID, "HEY."

DAVE CAN BE A BIT
OF A CHATTY CATHY...

[ CHUCKLES ]

...ESPECIALLY AFTER
HIS MORNING DUMPSTER COFFEE.

BOUGHT HIM SOME SHOES,
BUT HE WOULDN'T TAKE THEM

UNLESS I PUT THEM IN THE
DUMPSTER, AND I GOT TO GO BACK

AND THROW SOME SOCKS
IN THERE FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, SIRS,

I-I'D LIKE TO
TAKE MY LUNCH BREAK EARLY

AND GO LOOK FOR DAVE.

JUST DON'T BRING HIM HERE,
PLEASE.

HE CAN'T BE LIVING
BEHIND THE STORE, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
TO ALL THE STUFF

HE ORDERED
FROM AMAZON?

WELL, KNOWING DAVE,

HE'S PROBABLY GOT
A FORWARDING DUMPSTER.

WHOA.
SMELLS LIKE LASAGNA.

YEP. ALMOST DONE.
I'M MAKING A NICE SALAD.

THAT'S NOT HOLDING UP
THE LASAGNA, IS IT?

NO, NO, NO.

[ SMOOCHES ]
Mandy: HI.

HONEY,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WE EXPECTED YOU HOME
HOURS AGO?

OH, UM, AFTER SCHOOL,

KYLE AND I WENT DOWN
TO SKID ROW.

IS KYLE TRYING TO PROVE
THAT YOU COULD DO WORSE?

HE'S LOOKING FOR A FRIEND
WHO'S NAMED DAVE

THAT USED TO LIVE
ON OUR LOADING DOCK,

BUT NOW HAS FALLEN
ON HARD TIMES.

WELL,
I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA

OF KYLE TAKING YOU DOWN
TO THAT PART OF TOWN.

I THINK
IT'S A GOOD EXPERIENCE

TO LEARN HOW
THE LESS FORTUNATE LIVE.

WELL, MANDY'S IDEA
OF "LESS FORTUNATE"

IS ANYONE STILL USING
AN iPHONE 5.

DID KYLE
FIND HIS FRIEND?

NO, AND THEN
IT STARTED RAINING,

SO EVERYONE HEADED
INTO THE RESCUE MISSION.

HE'S STILL DOWN THERE
SERVING FOOD.

AH, FREE FOOD.

THAT WILL MOTIVATE
THE FREELOADERS TO GET A JOB.

SAYS THE GIRL WHO'S
ABOUT TO GET SOME FREE FOOD.

I-I'M SORRY.

THEY -- I MEAN, THEY ONLY HAVE
THEMSELVES TO BLAME.

THEY -- THEY MADE
BAD DECISIONS, RIGHT, DAD?

WELL, ESPECIALLY
IF THEY VOTED DEMOCRAT.

OH, COME ON!

TRUTH IS,
IN OBAMA'S AMERICA,

EVERYBODY'S ONE PAYCHECK AWAY
FROM BEING HOMELESS.

OH, YEAH, BECAUSE THERE WERE
NO HOMELESS BEFORE OBAMA.

OH, NO, JUST A BUNCH OF
SAD PEOPLE OUT FOR A LONG WALK.

WELL, IT IS SAD,
BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE THE IDEA

OF MANDY DOWN THERE
WITH ALL THOSE TROUBLED MEN.

ACTUALLY, HALF OF
THE HOMELESS POPULATION

IS NOW WOMEN, OKAY?

NOT EXACTLY THE KIND
OF EQUALITY WE WERE HOPING FOR.

YEAH, BURNING THEIR BRAS
TO STAY WARM.

IT'S SO INTERESTING.

I JUST KEPT WONDERING,
LIKE,

AS A PERSON
WHO DEEPLY CARES ABOUT OTHERS,

WHAT I COULD DO
TO HELP OUT.

AND THEN IT HIT ME.
I COULD VOLUNTEER.

WELL, WHAT? GIVE THE HOMELESS
PEOPLE MAKEOVERS?

I MEAN, I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY
TO BEAUTIFY OUR PARKS.

I'M SO EXCITED TO GIVE BACK,
YOU KNOW?

I EVEN TOLD ONE LADY
THAT I WOULD DATE HER SON.

OH.
BUT DON'T WORRY.

HE'S JUST A MOP
WITH A HAT ON IT.

WELL, DINNER'S READY.

OKAY,
GOT TO GET MY PHONE.

YOU DON'T NEED YOUR PHONE
TO EAT DINNER.

THEN HOW WILL IT GET
ON INSTAGRAM?

SINCE WHEN IS MANDY DRAWN
TO LOST PEOPLE WITH NO FUTURE?

WELL, I THINK DATING KYLE
GOT THAT BALL ROLLING.

DON'T YOU GUYS GET IT?

THIS NEW
"I CARE ABOUT THE WORLD" MANDY

IS HER WAY OF SUCKING UP

SO YOU'LL SPRING
FOR A FANCY, NEW CAR.

I MEAN, YOU CHALLENGED HER
TO BE A GOOD PERSON, REMEMBER?

OH, COME ON.
SHE'S NOT THAT CYNICAL.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF IT GETS
HER TO DO GOOD IN THE WORLD?

HUH?
I'M WITH KRIS.

IT'S A GOOD THING SHE THINKS
ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

IT'S A GOOD THING
SHE STARTS THINKING PERIOD.

SHE'S REELING YOU IN, OLD MAN,
HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

COME ON, HONEY.
OKAY.

SAY A LITTLE GRACE, PLEASE.
YEAH.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE SAYING GRACE.
TAKE IT EASY.

DEAR LORD, THANK YOU FOR ALL
THE BLESSINGS YOU'VE GIVEN US

AND FOR THOSE THAT WE LOVE
ARE HEALTHY,

WELL-FED,
AND SAFE FROM THIS STORM.

All: AMEN.
AND WATCH OVER THOSE
WHO AREN'T.

HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN

WITH A FEW WORDS
ON HOMELESSNESS.

IT'S A PROBLEM THAT REALLY
HITS HOME, IRONICALLY.

THE GOVERNMENT TOOK A SHOT
AT SOLVING IT.

THEY CAME UP
WITH HOUSING PROJECTS,

WHERE PEOPLE TAKE SHOTS
AT EACH OTHER.

WE CAN'T COUNT ON THE DEMOCRATS
TO BE GOOD WITH HOUSING.

THEY JUST LOST BOTH HOUSES
OF CONGRESS.

BUT IF WE WANT TO KEEP
UNCLE SAM OUT OF THE MIX,

WE ALL NEED TO STEP UP
AND HELP EACH OTHER,

ESPECIALLY THROUGH
CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS,

LIKE THE DENVER RESCUE MISSION.

YOU'LL SEE HERE
ON THE WEBSITE IS A PICTURE

OF A HOMELESS FRIEND OF OURS --
HIS NAME IS DAVE.

HE'S WITH ONE OF OUR EMPLOYEES.

OUR EMPLOYEE IS THE ONE
THAT LOOKS HOMELESS.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN DAVE LATELY,
AND WE'RE STARTING TO WORRY.

SO, DAVE,
IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THIS

OR ANY OF YOU SEE DAVE,
PLEASE CONTACT OUTDOOR MAN.

THE REST OF YOU, COME IN,
BUY A TENT.

IT CAN BE YOUR HOME
AWAY FROM HOME.

IN THIS DAY AND AGE,
WITH OBAMA AT THE HELM,

IT NEVER HURTS TO HAVE A SPARE,

'CAUSE GOOD CHANCE IS
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
YEAH.

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE,

YOU KNOW I'M A HUGE FAN
OF YOUR VLOGS, RIGHT?

BUT THIS ONE
IS WAY OFF THE MARK, MIKE.

I'M A BIG FAN
OF YOUR COMPLIMENTS.

THAT ONE NEEDS SOME WORK.
OKAY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
YOU TURNING OUR STORE

INTO A HOMELESS REFUGE.

THAT'S NOT
WHAT THAT VLOG WAS --

I'VE HAD 20 BUMS
NAMED DAVE SHOW UP,

ASKING ME
WHAT THEY'VE WON.

DID ANY OF THEM HAVE
A SAN DIEGO CHARGER HAT ON?

AND I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT RYAN LEAF.

I'VE SEEN HIM DOWN THERE
AT THAT DUMPSTER.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH
THAT THE HOMELESS

HAVE TAKEN OVER THE CITY PARK
THAT I SPONSOR.

THE ED ALZATE PARK IS SUPPOSED
TO BE FOR FAMILIES, RIGHT?

IN THE EVENING, CERTAIN
DISCREET GENTLEMEN SHOW UP,

AND I DON'T ASK
ANY QUESTIONS.

IF I WERE YOU,
I'D WIPE DOWN THOSE MONKEY BARS.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

HEY, GUYS, GUYS, GREAT NEWS.
I FOUND DAVE.

AH, THE PRODIGAL BUM
HAS RETURNED.
AND HE'S FOUND DAVE.

DAVE SAW MR. B's FABULOUS VLOG
AT THE LIBRARY AND CALLED ME.

I NEED TO GO PICK HIM UP.

SEE IF DAVE WILL LET YOU
DRIVE HIM TO THE MISSION.

BEST PLACE FOR HIM.
RIGHT.

WELL, I'M -- I'M HOPING
I CAN GET HIM TO SETTLE DOWN.

I MEAN, DAVE REALLY NEEDS

TO START THINKING
ABOUT HIS RETIREMENT.

YEAH.
RETIREMENT FROM WHAT?

APPARENTLY,
HE'S GOT A LOADING DOCK

PICKED OUT IN FLORIDA.

YO, DAVE!

I'M GLAD KYLE FOUND YOU,
BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE, DAVE.

YOU CAN'T --

SORRY, MR. B.
IT'S JUST ME.

I WAS LOOKING FOR A WARM PLACE
TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO
TO ED ALZATE PARK?

A LOT OF GUYS THERE
WANT TO SPOON.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, DAVE REFUSED
TO GO TO THE MISSION,

SO MY ONLY CHOICE WAS
TAKING HIM BACK TO MY PLACE.

DOES DAVE KNOW THE MISSION
IS NICER THAN YOUR PLACE?

YEAH,
I TRIED TO TELL HIM,

BUT HE SEEMED PRETTY HAPPY
ON MY FUTON.

A-AND THEN I WENT OUT
TO THE PHARMACY

TO GET
HIS DIABETES MEDICINE,

'CAUSE I'M REALLY WORRIED
HE COULD LOSE A FOOT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M HEARING?

I MIGHT GET ONE
OF THOSE SHOES BACK.

WHEN I CAME BACK,
THERE WAS A TIE ON THE DOORKNOB.

AND, WELL, WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

SO I WENT OUT
TO GET HIM SOME THAI FOOD.

BUT WHEN I CAME BACK,
HE WAS HAVING A PARTY,

AND HE KIND OF NEEDED
THE PLACE TO HIMSELF.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST STAY
IN YOUR VAN FOR A WHILE?

OH, NO, DAVE'S FRIEND SHORTY
WAS IN THERE WITH A LADY.

GOOD LUCK
SELLING THE VAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, UH,
BUM SEX COMES UP ON CARFAX.

YOU CAN'T SOLVE
DENVER'S HOMELESS PROBLEMS

BY HAVING THEM ALL
IN YOUR APARTMENT.

I'M STARTING
TO REALIZE THAT.

IT'S JUST IT'S HARD FOR ME
TO SAY NO TO DAVE,

AND SHORTY CARRIES THAT STICK
WITH A NAIL IN IT.

LET'S YOU AND I GO BACK
TO YOUR APARTMENT.

WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE CONVERSATION
WITH DAVE.

WE'LL SPEAK SOFTLY

AND CARRY A BIGGER STICK
WITH A BIGGER NAIL IN IT.

HEY, EVERYONE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, THIS IS MORGAN.

HEY, ARE YOU ONE
OF MANDY'S FRIENDS

FROM THE FASHION PROGRAM?
OH, NO, NO.

MORGAN'S
FROM THE WOMEN'S SHELTER.

SHE'S HOMELESS.
YEAH, SHE'S TOTALLY HOMELESS.
OH.

YOU CAN TELL HER
HOW HOMELESS YOU ARE.

VERY.

I'M SO SORRY.
UM, UH, WELCOME TO OUR HOME.

UH, OH, GOD,
THAT WAS SO INSENSITIVE.

NO,
IT'S OKAY, REALLY.

AND YOU HAVE
A VERY LOVELY HOME.

WELL, IT'S --
IT'S NOT REALLY THAT NICE.

UH, YOU'RE JUST NOT
MISSING MUCH.

[ LAUGHS ]

SHE TRIES TOO HARD.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER
AROUND BLACK PEOPLE.

UH, MORGAN HAS
A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

AND THE PEOPLE
FROM THE SHELTER ASKED

IF I COULD GIVE HER
A MAKEOVER.
Vanessa: AH.

APPARENTLY,
THAT'S THE NUMBER-ONE THING

HOMELESS PEOPLE NEED.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
WHO FEELS STUPID NOW?

STILL NOT THE PERSON
WHO SHOULD.

IT WAS AN HONOR
MEETING YOU, MORGAN.

JUST TRULY, YOU ARE
[Voice breaking] AN INSPIRATION.

IF SHE WAS HOMELESS AND BLACK,
YOUR HEAD MIGHT EXPLODE.

WOW.

MANDY HAS REALLY COME
A LONG WAY,

TRYING TO HELP
SOMEBODY LIKE MORGAN.

YEAH, WELL, SHE'S LEARNED
A NEW WAY TO CON YOU.

Mandy: OKAY, SO,
WE NEED AN OUTFIT

THAT SAYS, LIKE,
"I'M RESPONSIBLE.

I'M LEVEL-HEADED.
I'M MODEST."

SO, YEAH,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
BORROW SOMETHING FROM MY MOM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SHE SEEMS REALLY NICE.

OH, YEAH, SHE'S COOL.

I MEAN,
I'LL KNOW FOR SURE

IF I GET A CAR
FOR MY BIRTHDAY NEXT MONTH.

MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY'S
NEXT MONTH -- 14th.

OH, 26th.
HMM.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER?

ISABELLA.
SHE'LL BE 8.

AND THE ANSWER TO YOUR
NEXT QUESTION -- I WAS 17.

OH. JUST LIKE MY SISTER,
ACTUALLY.

YEAH, SHE, UM --
SHE HAD HER SON WHEN SHE WAS 17.

OH.

I WAS AN AUNT BEFORE
I KNEW HOW TO DO ALGEBRA.

ACTUALLY, I STILL AM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, MY MOTHER KICKED ME OUT
WHEN I GOT PREGNANT.

MY GRANDMA LET US STAY
WITH HER FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

BUT AFTER SHE DIED,
WE WOUND UP LIVING IN MY CAR.

WAS IT AN ESCALADE?

NOT EXACTLY.
[ LAUGHS ]

UM, SO, ISABELLA, DOES SHE LIVE
WITH YOU AT THE SHELTER?

UH, NO.
SHE IS IN A FOSTER HOME.

OH. I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THEY'RE REALLY NICE,
AND I GET TO SEE HER A LOT.

BUT I WILL GET
TO SEE HER A LOT MORE

IF I CAN
JUST GET THIS JOB.

[ SIGHS ]

WELL, LET'S MAKE SURE
YOU GET IT.

DAVE?

DAVE?

HEY, DAVE?!

DAVE'S NOT HERE, MAN.

AND MY TV's GONE.

[ SIGHS ] PROBABLY ONE
OF THOSE PEOPLE HE HAD OVER.

DAVE IS
WAY TOO TRUSTING.

YEAH, NICE PEOPLE
GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF

NOW AND THEN,
DON'T THEY?

YOU DON'T THINK DAVE
TOOK MY TV, DO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR LOCKS,

CHANGE YOUR SHEETS --
PROBABLY BURN THEM.

YOU REALLY GOT TO CHANGE
YOUR APPROACH, KYLE.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THE POINT
OF DOING NICE THINGS

IF PEOPLE ARE GONNA DO
STUFF LIKE THIS?

YOU STILL DO
NICE THINGS,

BUT YOU CAN'T HELP PEOPLE
IF THEY WON'T HELP THEMSELVES.

LOOKS LIKE DAVE
HELPED HIMSELF TO MY TV...

YEP.

...AND MY "STAR WARS"
LEGO SHIP.

KYLE, YOU'RE A GREAT GUY
AND YOU GOT A BIG HEART.

I JUST HOPE THAT YOU DON'T --
YOU DON'T LOSE THAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]
YOU'RE RIGHT.

DAVE MIGHT HAVE STOLEN
MY TV,

BUT I CAN'T LET HIM STEAL
MY BIG HEART.

OR YOUR KIDNEY,
WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE LOST

HAD YOU SLEPT HERE
LAST NIGHT.

HEY.
HI.

I GOT YOUR WINE.

AND IF YOU RUN OUT,
THE STORE IS OPEN TILL 11:00.

SERIOUSLY, MIKE,

YOU CAN'T BRING YOURSELF
TO PAY FOR A SHOPPING BAG?

NO, WHEN I WAS A KID,

THE GROCERY STORE WOULDN'T
CHARGE YOU FOR A GROCERY BAG.

PLUS,
ALL THE FOOD YOU ATE

WHILE YOU WERE
IN THE GROCERY STORE WAS FREE.

NO, IT WASN'T. NOT EVER.
YEAH, IF YOU DO IT FAST.

LET'S EAT. HEY,
WHERE'S THE OTHER GIRL?

I'M HERE, UH,
AND MANDY'S UPSTAIRS,

TRYING OUTFITS
ON HER BAG-LADY BARBIE.

MANDY BROUGHT HOME

A LOVELY, LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN
FROM THE HOMELESS SHELTER.

I JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION
WITH KYLE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

WE'RE NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL
WITH THESE PEOPLE'S

ADDICTION PROBLEMS
OR THEIR MENTAL ILLNESS.

OR WHAT IF THEY CARRY A STICK
WITH A NAIL IN IT?

UH, EVERYBODY, IF YOUR
MUNICIPAL WATER DEPARTMENT

NEEDED AN ADMINISTRATIVE
SPECIALIST,

WOULD YOU HIRE
THIS PERSON?

DO-DO-DO! TA-DA!

WOW! MORGAN,
YOU CLEAN UP GREAT.

UH, UH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE NOT --
NOT THAT YOU WERE DIRTY BEFORE.

THANK YOU,
MRS. BAXTER.

AND MANDY DID
AN AMAZING JOB.

UM, DAD, MORGAN.
HI.

HI, MORGAN, I'M MIKE BAXTER.
I'M MANDY'S FATHER.

HELLO.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T RUN
THE WATER DEPARTMENT.

IF I DID, I'D HIRE YOU,
'CAUSE WE --

WE USE WATER
A LOT AROUND HERE.

WE EVEN FREEZE IT, MAKE,
UH, LITTLE SQUARES OUT OF IT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GRAB
MY OLD CLOTHES.

UH, DO YOU GUYS HAVE
A SHOPPING BAG I COULD BORROW?

SURE WE DO.
OH.

AND AROUND HERE,
THEY'RE FREE.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE GETTING YOUR
BIRTHDAY ESCALADE NOW.

YEAH, NO.

ABOUT THAT, GUYS, I WOULD,
UM, RATHER NOT HAVE A BIG DEAL

FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR,

MAYBE JUST SOMETHING
SMALL WITH THE FAMILY

AND THEN,
YOU KNOW, DONATE

WHAT YOU WERE GONNA
SPEND ON THE PARTY

TO THE WOMEN'S SHELTER.

CRAP!
WHAT?

NOW I HAVE TO SPEND
MORE THAN $20.

OKAY, I JUST SAW MYSELF AGAIN
IN YOUR MIRROR,

AND I LOOK AMAZING.

I'M SORRY.
THAT SOUNDED REALLY CONCEITED.

HER MIRROR HAS THAT EFFECT
ON PEOPLE.

I GET TO VISIT
ISABELLA TONIGHT.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR HER
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.

IS THAT YOUR KID?
YEAH, HER DAUGHTER.

UM, SHE'S IN FOSTER CARE.

OH, THAT'S ROUGH THAT YOU
DON'T GET TO LIVE WITH HER.

NO, IT WAS ROUGH ON HER
WHEN I WAS DRINKING.

OH.
BUT I AM SIX MONTHS' SOBER.

OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.

GOOD FOR YOU. GOOD.

CONGRATULATIONS.

UH, TRUST ME, YOU'RE --
YOU'RE NOT MISSING MUCH.

NO.

IT'S JUST -- IT'S --

THIS IS ALL MAINLY
FOR COOKING.

UH-HUH,
SHE COOKS LIKE A FISH.

WELL, IF I KEEP GETTING
MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER,

I CAN GET
MY DAUGHTER BACK.

Mike: SHE'LL BE
VERY PROUD OF YOU.

UH, HEY, MORGAN,
I MIGHT HAVE A NECKLACE

THAT COULD GO REALLY WELL
WITH THAT SHIRT.

GOD, THAT'S INCREDIBLE, EVE.
YOU OWN A NECKLACE?

[ SCOFFS ]

THANK YOU.
NO PROBLEM.

CAN YOU STAY FOR DINNER?
IT'S JUST LEFTOVER LASAGNA.

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,

BUT MY DAUGHTER'S
EXPECTING ME, SO...

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WHEN YOU GET THE JOB,

WHICH YOU WILL,
AND YOU GET YOUR DAUGHTER BACK,

COME BY FOR DINNER,
AND WE'LL ALL CELEBRATE.

WOW. THAT'S REALLY GENEROUS.
THANK YOU.

NOT REALLY --
IT'S JUST MY WAY

OF GUARANTEEING
I GET THE BAG BACK.