Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Big Brother - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

NOTHING LIKE A COZY NIGHTCAP
BY THE FIRE, HUH?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO ACTUAL NIGHTCAPS?

PEOPLE JUST DON'T
DRESS FOR BED ANYMORE.

WELL...[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, YOU DO YOUR PART
BY WEARING SOCKS.

OR ONCE, YOU TRIED THAT
THING WITH THE, UH --
WITH THE BOW TIE.

OH, THAT WAS MY HOMAGE
TO THE CHIPPENDALE DANCERS.

AH.

WELL, CHIPPENDALE DANCERS
WEAR IT ON THEIR NECK.



[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SNEEZES ]

OOH.
OH.

[ SNIFFLES ]

YOU COMING DOWN
WITH SOMETHING?

MNH-MNH.

CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING,
LIKE A...MOTEL ROOM?

NO. [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S ALLERGIES.
THAT'S ALL.

YEAH?
YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

THIS TEACHING SEMINAR
I WENT TO TODAY --

"THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL
BLENDED CLASSROOM."

[ SNEEZES ]



HONEY, HONEY.
[ SNEEZES ]

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE YOU'RE ALLERGIC
TO BORING CONVERSATION.

NO, IT'S SOMETHING
IN THE YARD.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA GO INSIDE,
HONEY.

OH, COME ON.

HONEY, I'LL TELL YOU
THE STORY LATER.

[ SNEEZES ]

DON'T TAX YOURSELF.

YOU MIGHT
HAVE TO DRIVE TO A MOTEL.

YO, YO, YO.

HO. HEY, GARFIELD.
THERE'S NO LASAGNA UP HERE.

GO, GO, GO. GO.

[ SNEEZING ]

BOO!
OH!

[ LAUGHS ]
OH, GOD.

HONEY,
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

OH, I WAS TRYING TO SCARE YOU
SO YOU'D STOP.

THAT'S HICCUPS.

NO, THOSE WERE
DEFINITELY SNEEZES.

HEY, HON,
I THINK I FIGURED OUT

WHY YOU'RE DOING
ALL THIS SNEEZING,

WHO LEFT THE SURPRISES
IN BOYD'S SANDBOX,

AND WHY WE HAVE ORANGE HAIR
ALL OVER THE LAWN FURNITURE.

OH, MY GOD.
WE HAVE CLOWNS?

NO, WE HAVE A CAT.

I SPRAYED FOR CLOWNS.

WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I'M EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO CATS.

WELL, JUST SAY THE WORD,

AND I'LL SEND FLUFFY PACKING
WITH MY AIRSOFT RIFLE.

UH, NO ONE
IS SHOOTING AT A CAT.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.
WE DON'T SHOOT ANIMALS
THAT HAVE COLLARS.

THAT'S HOW YOGI BEAR
HAS LASTED SO LONG.

WELL, SUIT YOURSELF, BUT
IT WORKED WITH THE SWANSON KID

WHEN HE KEPT POOPING
IN OUR SANDBOX.

YOU KNOW,
I'M PRETTY SURE

I'VE SEEN CAROL LARABEE
FEEDING A BIG ORANGE CAT.

YOU WANT TO GO ASK CHUCK?
WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK CHUCK?

NO. I DON'T WANT TO STRAIN
THINGS WITH THE NEIGHBORS.

I KNOW.
THAT'S MORE MY THING.

I'LL CALL HIM
IN THE MORNING.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT --
I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT

THAT INSTRUCTIONAL SEMINAR
I ATTENDED.

I'LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.

-- Captions by VITAC --

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

[ GROANS ]

HEY, BAXTER.

HEY, CHUCK, MAN.

I HATE TO BOTHER YOU
WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING "ARSENIO."

[ SIGHS ]

"ARSENIO'S" OFF THE AIR, BUT I
AM WATCHING AN ALL-BLACK SHOW.

IT'S CALLED "SPORTS."

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

LISTEN, I GOT A LITTLE TROUBLE
WITH ORANGE CAT HAIR

ALL OVER
MY OUTDOOR FURNITURE.

YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS?

YEAH -- IF YOU DON'T HAVE
A LINT ROLLER,

WRAP SOME TAPE AROUND YOUR HAND
STICKY-SIDE-OUT.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS. I'LL JUST
SHOOT THE CAT. GOOD NIGHT.

HANG ON,
HANG ON, HANG ON.

IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TIGGER.

WHEN DID YOU GET A CAT?
We didn't.

HE USED TO BELONG TO
THE PETTIGREWS DOWN THE STREET,

BUT THEY LEFT HIM BEHIND
WHEN THEY MOVED.

PETTIGREW MOVED?

Uh-huh.

HE'S GOT MY RAKE!

NOT ANYMORE.
I BOUGHT IT AT HIS YARD SALE.

CAROL FELT SORRY
FOR TIGGER GETTING ABANDONED,

SO WE STARTED FEEDING HIM.

Well, then,
it's your cat.

YOU FEED IT,
YOU OWN IT.

OH, IN THAT CASE,
I BOUGHT YOU LUNCH LAST WEEK,

AND I GOT
A LOT OF YARD WORK TO DO.

I'LL EVEN LET YOU USE
MY GOOD RAKE.

WHY DON'T YOU
KEEP THAT THING INDOORS?

IT'S STARTING TO BOTHER
MY WIFE'S ALLERGIES.

Oh, I can't do that.

I GOT THIS HUGE
GERMAN SHEPHERD, AND --

and she's terrified
of cats.

[ BARKS ]

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD FEEDS TIGGER.

HE -- HE'S
A NEIGHBORHOOD CAT.

YEAH, THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD'S
BECOME THAT CAT'S LITTER BOX.

LOOK, THIS IS
JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE

OF YOU PEOPLE
NOT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY.

AND WHAT PEOPLE ARE THOSE,
BAXTER?

YOU GONNA MAKE ME SAY IT?

YES.

CAT PEOPLE!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HOW ABOUT SOME LUNCH,
MIKEY?

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT,
HOW ABOUT THE INDIAN PLACE?

OR WE COULD SAVE TIME
AND JUST ORDER DIARRHEA.

YOU HAVE SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHOE.

OH, DAMN IT!

I STEPPED ON
A GLOB OF GUM.

OH, MAN.
LOOK AT THAT.

AND IT'S THE -- IT'S THE COUPON
FOR THE INDIAN PLACE.

[ MUTTERS ANGRILY ]

ADIóS, TIKKA MASALA,
RIGHT?

I MEAN, COME ON, NOW.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE, MIKE?

PEOPLE JUST SPIT OUT
THEIR GUM WILLY-NILLY

AND EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE
TO CLEAN UP THEIR MESS?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

[ SNIFFS ]
I'LL GO WITH WINTERGREEN.

IT'S PEOPLE NOT ACCEPTING
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT THEY DO.

IT'S WHAT MY VLOG IS ABOUT.
WATCH THIS.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
WITH A WORD ON CATS.

[ HISSES ]

THAT'S THE WRONG ONE.
THAT'S ABOUT CATS, MIKE.

JUST WATCH
THE REST OF IT. HERE.

LISTEN,
THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE CATS,

LEARN A LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY.

START WITH SPAYING
OR NEUTERING THEM.

OR, BETTER YET,
HAVE A VETERINARIAN DO THAT.

AND KEEP THE LITTLE PREDATOR
IN THE HOUSE.

IF YOU LET THEM
WANDER AROUND OUTSIDE,

WE ALL GOT A CAT.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE
OF YOUR OWN STUFF,

THEN SOCIETY HAS TO DO IT.

"HEY, I'M DONE WITH THIS COUCH.

"I'LL JUST LEAVE IT
HERE ON THE STREET CORNER.

SOMEBODY WILL USE IT."

YOU KNOW WHO? CATS.

IT'S STILL ABOUT CATS,
MIKEY.

KEEP WATCHING.

WHAT'S WORSE
THAN ABANDONING A SOFA?

ABANDONING A HUMAN BEING.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A LAW
IN THIS STATE

THAT IF YOU HAVE A BABY,

YOU GET THREE DAYS
TO DECIDE IF IT'S A KEEPER.

THAT'S RIGHT --
THERE'S A LEMON LAW FOR BABIES.

IF YOU DECIDE IT CRIES TOO MUCH
OR CLASHES WITH THE DRAPES,

YOU CAN JUST DROP IT OFF
AT YOUR LOCAL FIRE STATION.

SO YOU, ME,
AND EVERYBODY BUT THEIR PARENTS

ENDS UP TAKING CARE OF THEM.

NOW, SURE, THERE HAVE BEEN
A FEW ABANDONED BABIES

WHO HAVE TURNED OUT OKAY.

I'M THINKING ABOUT
SUPERMAN AND MOSES.

BUT WITH
THIS KIND OF SAFETY NET,

YOU'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING FOLKS
TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, IT SHOULDN'T BE EASIER
TO DISPOSE OF A CHILD

THAN TO DISPOSE
OF USED MOTOR OIL.

PLUS, YOU'RE DISTRACTING FIREMEN

FROM THEIR
MORE IMPORTANT DUTIES --

POSING SHIRTLESS FOR CALENDARS.

AND LISTEN, FOLKS,

A BEEFCAKE PHOTO SHOOT
IS NO PLACE TO RAISE A BABY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S ANOTHER BULL'S-EYE,
MIKEY.

ONCE YOU GET PAST
ALL THAT CAT CRAP.

PEOPLE JUST NEED
TO STEP UP

AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THEIR OWN MESSES, THAT'S ALL.

I KNOW.
YOU -- ED, ED.

YES. WHAT?
YOU GONNA PICK THIS UP?

SOMEBODY ELSE WILL TAKE CARE
OF THAT. DON'T WORRY.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO MUCH, KYLE.

AND I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO, SO MUCH, MANDY.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU
SO, SO, SO, SO, SO --

STOP!!

THIS ALWAYS ENDS WITH CONFUSION
AND COUNTING ON FINGERS.

HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME
IN VEGAS, KYLE.

ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

OKAY,
I BETTER GET GOING.

I DON'T HAVE AN ASSIGNED SEAT
ON THE PLANE,

AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE
I GET A MIDDLE ONE.

OKAY. HEY, HAVE AN AWESOME TIME,
OKAY?

AND, UM, REMEMBER
WHAT WE AGREED TO.

I WILL.
OKAY.

BYE, EVE.
BYE, MRS. B.

BYE, KYLE.

MANDY, HONEY,
UH, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

WHAT DID YOU AND KYLE
AGREE TO?

UM, NO BIGS.

WE'RE JUST TAKING THE WEEKEND
OFF FROM BEING A COUPLE.

A COUPLE OF IDIOTS?
'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT TIME.

HA HA HO!

YOU'RE GIVING YOUR BOYFRIEND
A FREE PASS

AT A BACHELOR PARTY
IN VEGAS?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST REALLY WANTED HIM
TO BE ABLE TO CUT LOOSE

WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY,
YOU KNOW?

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WELL,
SOUNDS GREAT FOR HIM.

WE EVEN CAME UP WITH
THIS CUTE SLOGAN ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE, "WHATEVER HAPPENS
IN VEGAS STAYS A SECRET."

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.

RELAX, MOM.
THIS IS KYLE IN VEGAS.

THE ONLY THING
THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN

IS WE'LL GET A PANICKED CALL
EVERY HALF-HOUR

THAT THERE'S
A VOLCANO ERUPTING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

I'LL GET THAT.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

HEY, CHUCK.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

HEY, BAXTER.

I'M HERE
ON SECURITY-COMPANY BUSINESS.

WELL, THAT'S PERFECT,

'CAUSE I WANT TO REPORT
AN UNWANTED VISITOR.

[ SIGHS ]

TIGGER HAS GONE MISSING.

OH!

WELL, HAVE YOU CHECKED
HIS KNOWN ASSOCIATES?

HOW ABOUT THAT WEIRD LITTLE BEAR
THAT WEARS NO PANTS?

DO YOU TWO HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE THE CAT MIGHT BE?

NO, NO.

BUT WHAT WAS IN THAT WEIRD STEW
WE [BURPS] JUST HAD?

NO, I-I HAVEN'T SEEN TIGGER
IN A WHILE.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, UM, ACCORDING TO YOUR
NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET,

UH, HE WAS IN YOUR YARD
ON WEDNESDAY,

AND THERE WAS AN, UH...
ALTERCATION.

ALTERCATION?
WHAT -- WHAT ALTERCATION?

I THINK YOU SHOULD CHECK
WITH THAT WEIRD SWANSON KID.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT PULLS
DOLL PARTS AROUND IN HIS WAGON?

THERE'S VIDEO.
OH.

THIS IS THE LAST TIME
TIGGER PETTIGREW WAS SEEN ALIVE.

[ SIGHS ]

I BELIEVE THAT'S YOU,
VANESSA.

YEAH, I WAS --
I WAS JUST SHOOING HIM.

SQUIRTING A KITTY
IN FEBRUARY.

NOT COOL.

YOU MAY
WANT TO LAWYER UP.

LOOK, I WOULD NEVER, EVER
HURT AN ANIMAL.

IT -- IT WAS
A WARM EVENING,

AND WATER IS
A HUMANE TRAINING TECHNIQUE.

YEP. THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID
AT GUANTANAMO, HUH?

BUT BESIDES THE CAT THING,

WHERE DID YOU GET
THE VIDEO OF THIS?

YEAH, YEAH. SOMEBODY WAS
ACTUALLY FILMING ME?

IT'S FROM ONE OF
THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS

I INSTALLED
OVER AT THE SHIRAZIS'.

THE SHIRAZIS?

WE'RE BEING MONITORED
BY MIDDLE EASTERNERS?

SHOULDN'T IT BE
THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

THE SHIRAZIS
ARE FROM MILWAUKEE,

SO TECHNICALLY,
THEY'RE MIDWESTERNERS.

AND THEIR SECURITY PACKAGE
INCLUDES MULTIPLE CAMERAS,

ONE OF WHICH HAPPENS TO CAPTURE
YOUR FRONT LAWN.

MAYBE I SHOULD RETHINK
THAT LOOSE ROBE I WEAR

WHEN I PICK UP
THE NEWSPAPER.

WHY? THEN WE'D HAVE TO PAY
THE PAPER BOY.

A LOT OF YOUR NEIGHBORS
HAVE SECURITY CAMERAS NOW,

SO I GET
A PRETTY CLEAR OVERVIEW

OF WHAT'S HAPPENING
ON OUR STREET.

SO YOU'RE SNOOPING
ON ALL OF US?

SO YOU'RE NOT JUST A BROTHER.
YOU'RE BIG BROTHER.

OH, I DON'T LIKE
ANY OF THIS.

WHO -- WHO ELSE
HAS SEEN THIS FOOTAGE?

A LOT OF FOLKS.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
IS WORRIED ABOUT TIGGER.

WELL, MAYBE THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD SHOULD
TAKE HIM INSIDE.

I WANT YOU
TO TAKE THAT CAMERA DOWN.

NO, NO. IT'S THE SHIRAZIS' RIGHT
TO PROTECT THEIR HOME.

LEGALLY, YOU HAVE NO EXPECTATION
OF PRIVACY IN YOUR FRONT YARD.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF EVERYWHERE YOU WENT,

PEOPLE WERE WATCHING YOU?

I'M A BLACK MAN IN SUBURBIA.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING ME.

I LIKE THAT CAT. HE'S LIKE
THE NEIGHBORHOOD GREETER.

ALWAYS MAKES ME
FEEL WELCOME.

WELL,
VANESSA KILLED IT.

LOOK, THIS WHOLE TIGGER THING
IS A NIGHTMARE.

THE WHOLE STREET
IS GIVING ME DIRTY LOOKS --

EXCEPT FOR BOB ASHBY,
WHO'S GIVING ME FILTHY LOOKS,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OF THE WHOLE
LOOSE-BATHROBE THING.

WELL, WELCOME
TO OUR SURVEILLANCE CULTURE.

WE HAVE TO ASSUME
WE'RE BEING RECORDED 24/7.

OH, HELLO, NSA.

NOPE, NOT MAKING A BOMB HERE.
JUST SOME MU SHU.

[shoe]
YOU JUST SAID "SHU" AND "BOMB"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

PREPARE
TO BE CAVITY-SEARCHED

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
AT THE AIRPORT.

FOR THE RECORD, HE'S NOT
ACTUALLY PART OF OUR FAMILY.

IT'S NOT JUST CAMERAS.

THEY'RE LISTENING
TO OUR PHONE CALLS

AND READING OUR E-MAILS.

2015 IS NOW "1984."

I'D RATHER IT WAS 1984.
REAGAN WOULD STILL BE PRESIDENT.

I COULD GET MY PARACHUTE PANTS
ON AND SAY,

"U CAN'T TOUCH THIS."

IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING WRONG,

YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

UNLESS YOU HAVE SKELETONS
IN YOUR CLOSET --

CAT OR OTHERWISE.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

OH. IT'S CAROL LARABEE.
EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW,
THE WAY I SEE IT,

UNCLE SAM CAN FLIP THROUGH
MY E-MAILS ALL HE WANTS

IF IT HELPS HIM
BLOW THOSE ISIS BASTARDS

TO SMOLDERING BITS
OF TERRORIST GOO.

WHO'S HUNGRY?

EVEN IF WE HURT THEM,
THEY STILL HURT US

'CAUSE THEY MAKE US
COMPROMISE OUR FREEDOM.

BEN FRANKLIN SAID IT BEST.

"THOSE WHO SACRIFICE LIBERTY
FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER."

OR WAS THAT
ARETHA FRANKLIN?

WHO'S ON THE $100 BILL?

IT'S NOT JUST THE GOVERNMENT
SNOOPING AROUND.

GOOGLE TAKES PICTURES
OF OUR HOUSES.

THEY KEEP TRACK OF WHAT WE EAT
AT THE GROCERY STORE.

I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF THE JUDGY LOOKS

WHEN THE HAAGEN-DAZS COUPONS
COME FLYING OUT OF THE REGISTER.

IT IS ICE-CREAM COUPON
AFTER ICE-CREAM COUPON

AFTER ICE-CREAM COUPON.

SOUNDS LIKE
RYAN'S THE JUDGY ONE.

IT'S YOUR GENERATION
THAT BROUGHT THIS ON.

YOU GAVE UP YOUR PRIVACY

TO GET OVERNIGHT DELIVERY
AND 15% OFF.

WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?
GO OFF THE GRID?

YEAH.

WE'D LIVE UP
IN THE MOUNTAINS

IN A HOUSE MADE OUT OF OLD TIRES
AND ICE-CREAM CARTONS.

THE ICE CREAM WAS
FOR BOYD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!

GREAT -- NOW CAROL LARABEE

CANCELED COFFEE WITH ME
TOMORROW.

SHE SAYS SHE'S SICK, BUT I KNOW
IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN CAT.

OR -- OR SHE'S SICK.

I WISH.

I TELL YOU, IF THIS WHOLE THING
DOESN'T BLOW OVER,

I'M JUST GONNA MOVE AWAY,
START A WHOLE NEW LIFE.

YOU COULD JUST STAND IN
THE DRIVEWAY WITH YOUR
THUMB OUT IN THAT BATHROBE.

I'M SURE BOB ASHBY WOULD TAKE
YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANTED TO GO.

OH!
OH, THERE HE IS!

THERE HE IS! HE'S ALIVE!

IT'S TIGGER!
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!

Eve: WHERE? WHERE?

HE WAS --
HE WAS RIGHT THERE.

I SAW HIM. COME ON,
YOU SAW HIM, TOO, RIGHT?
NO.

HE WAS RIGHT THERE.

GIRLS, JUST TELL YOUR MOM
YOU SAW THE CAT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT SHE'S CAPABLE OF.

HEY, HON.

HAS THE MAIL COME YET?

I'M RUNNING A LITTLE LOW
ON BATHROOM LITERATURE.

CHECK IT FOR YOURSELF.

WHOA.

SOMEBODY WENT POSTAL
ON OUR MAILBOX?

YEAH.

SOMEBODY KNOCKED IT OFF THE POST
LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, I THINK
ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS IS
TRYING TO SEND ME A MESSAGE.

SEND YOU A MESSAGE
OVER A MISSING CAT?

LOOK, THE NEIGHBORHOOD HOSTILITY
TOWARD ME IS JUST GETTING WORSE.

OKAY, MRS. CONROY,

THAT OLD LADY WHO WEARS ALL
THOSE WEIRD CAT SWEATSHIRTS...

YEAH.
...JUST BROUGHT OVER
THESE BROWNIES.

I'M AFRAID TO TRY THEM.
TELL ME IF THEY SMELL WEIRD.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I'M NOT GONNA LIVE
IN FEAR OF BAKED GOODS.
IT'S JUST BROWNIES.

HAVE THE GIRLS TRY THEM.

BUT NOT EVE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I JUST WOULD FEEL BETTER

IF I KNEW
WHO KNOCKED DOWN THAT MAILBOX.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I GOT AN IDEA.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT INVOLVES
MAKING NICE WITH LARABEE.

GIVE ME THE BROWNIES.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

AH. HELLO, BAXTER.

HEY, CHUCK.

BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE THING
FOR, UH...BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

BROWNIES.

VERY CLEVER.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FINE LINE
BETWEEN OFFENSIVE AND CLEVER,

AND I THINK
I WALK IT PRETTY WELL.

NOT AS WELL AS YOU THINK.

SO, YOU STILL WORKED UP
ABOUT THE CAMERAS?

NO, NO, NO.
ACTUALLY...

I NEED A LITTLE FAVOR
WITH THE CAMERAS.

SOMEONE RAN INTO MY MAILBOX
LAST NIGHT,

AND I'D LIKE TO SEE
IF YOU GOT ANY FOOTAGE OF IT.

WELL, WELL, WELL.

FIRST, I'M BIG BROTHER.
NOW I'M THE BELLE OF THE BALL.

[ CHUCKLES ] THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME BUTT-UGLY BALL IF YOU --

CAN I JUST
SEE THE FOOTAGE?

FINE.
ALL RIGHT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE I CARE
ABOUT NEIGHBORHOOD SECURITY

AND I KNOW THE BROWNIES
ARE YOUR WAY OF APOLOGIZING.

YEAH, YOU GOT ME.

SO, WHERE'S
THE COMMAND CENTER?

RIGHT HERE.

YEAH!

EVERY 8-YEAR-OLD IN TOWN HAS
A COMMAND CENTER JUST LIKE THIS.

UH-HUH.

THE SHIRAZI FEED
FROM LAST NIGHT.

AFTER 12:00 MIDNIGHT.
OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

LOOKS LIKE A PRIUS HYBRID
PULLS UP AT 1:02 A.M.

YEAH,
JUST 'CAUSE IT SAVES GAS,

THEY THINK
THEY'RE ABOVE THE LAW, HUH?

MM-HMM.

BUT HE DIDN'T HIT
YOUR MAILBOX.

OOH. LOOKS LIKE MR. PRIUS
IS HITTING SOMETHING.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

MY DAUGHTER MANDY.

OH. UH...YEAH.

AND THAT WASN'T KYLE,
WAS IT?

NO, IT WASN'T.

BUT WE STILL DON'T KNOW
WHO HIT YOUR MAILBOX.

UH, ISN'T THAT MRS. CONROY
IN THE CAT SWEATER?

YEP. THERE SHE IS.
SHE'S DOWN THE STR--

WHOA!

WHOA! OH!

MAN.

OOOH!

OH!

YOU MAY NOT WANT TO EAT
THAT BROWNIE.

MIKE, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SURE
YOU SAW THEM KISS?

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T LIKE
THE TIME YOU SWORE

YOU SAW NANCY PELOSI RIFLING
THROUGH A DUMPSTER, IS IT?

PELOSI NEVER DENIED THAT.

AND, YES,
I RECOGNIZE OUR DAUGHTER.

IT WAS HER IN THE CAR
KISSING SOME DUDE.

THIS IS WHY
SHE WAS SO EAGER

TO GIVE KYLE THE WEEKEND OFF
FROM THEIR RELATIONSHIP.

SHE'S LIVING IT UP
IN OUR DRIVEWAY,

AND THAT POOR GUY IS STUCK
AT A BACHELOR PARTY IN VEGAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M EAGER TO DO?
FORGET ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

MANDY HAS TO BE HONEST
WITH KYLE.

HONEY,
WE NEED TO TALK TO HER.

NO. WE NEED
TO STAY OUT OF THIS.

IF SHE IS OVER KYLE,
SHE NEEDS TO TELL HIM.

NO, SHE DOESN'T.
SHE --

MAYBE SHE'S MOVED ON
TO A GUY WITH MORE OF A FUTURE.

WHAT?! SHE COULDN'T SWING
A DEAD CAT

WITHOUT HITTING A GUY
WITH MORE OF A FUTURE.

WE COULD TEST IT OUT IF WE KNEW
WHERE YOU BURIED TIGGER.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KEEP IT UP,
AND YOU MIGHT JUST JOIN HIM.

I JUST THINK
THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS

THAT SHOULD REMAIN
PRIVATE.

Like that.

HI, KYLE.
WELCOME BACK.

I'VE BEEN COUNTING THE MINUTES
SINCE YOU LEFT,

WHICH HAS BEEN VERY HARD FOR ME
BECAUSE IT'S MATH.

I WISH YOU COULD HAVE COME.
I SAW THIS AMAZING SHOW.

YEAH?

THE DANCERS
ONLY HAD ON TIARAS.

WHOA.

BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM WRONG,
'CAUSE THEY WERE POODLES.

[ Laughing ] OH!

WELL, THOSE POODLES
ARE SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTERS.

YOU, UH -- YOU GET IN
ANY TROUBLE IN VEGAS, KYLE?

WELL, MY COUSIN AND HIS BUDDIES
WENT A LITTLE WILD,

BUT WHY GO TO CLUBS

WHEN YOU CAN WATCH FANCY DOGS
CRUSH A CONGA LINE?

WELL, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
WHILE YOU WERE GONE,

EXCEPT FOR MISS YOU.

KYLE,
WILL YOU BE A DEAR

AND GET ME A SODA
OUT OF THE FRIDGE IN THE GARAGE?

YEAH, OKAY.

[dear]
UH, FOR THE RECORD, A DEER
COULD NEVER FETCH A SODA.

WHAT YOU NEED AROUND HERE
ARE SOME POODLES.

HONEY...
HMM?

I-IF YOU'RE HAVING
SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT KYLE,

YOU NEED TO BE
HONEST WITH HIM.

WHAT?

WELL, YOUR DAD SAW YOU
KISS THAT GUY IN THE PRIUS.

OH, MY GOD. YOU WERE LOOKING
OUT THE WINDOW, SPYING ON ME?

NO!

I WAS WATCHING A SURVEILLANCE
CAMERA AT LARABEE'S HOUSE.

SERIOUSLY, DAD, THIS IS
SO NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

RIGHT -- WASN'T.

BUT...
CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG NOW.

OH, GOD!

IT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

THERE'S SO MANY OF THEM.

MANDY.
HONEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

NO. YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S SO UNFAIR THAT I LIVE HERE.

MY FRIENDS ON CAMPUS
GET AWAY WITH WAY WORSE STUFF,

AND THEIR PARENTS
NEVER HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT IT.

I WANT TO BE
ONE OF THOSE KIND OF PARENTS.

ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE?

IT'S NOT THE WORST THING
IN THE WORLD, OKAY?

YOU'RE NOT MARRIED,
Y-YOU'RE NOT ENGAGED,

AND IT WAS JUST A KISS.

RIGHT? IT WAS --
WAS JUST A KISS, RIGHT?

HERE YOU ARE.

AH. KYLE.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I ACTUALLY WANTED
A CREAM SODA.

UH, I THINK
THERE'S ONE IN THE FRIDGE

WAY, WAY, WAY
IN THE BACK.

OH.
WISH YOU'D TOLD ME.

I'M NOT A MIND READER.

UNLIKE THAT BULLDOG
WITH THE CRYSTAL BALL.

MANDY, HONEY,
WHAT IS GOING ON?

NOTHING.

MANDY, COME ON.

OKAY.

THERE WAS THIS FASHION EXHIBIT
AT THE ART MUSEUM,

AND THIS GUY IN MY CLASS
ASKED ME OUT,

AND I-I FIGURED
THAT ONE DATE COULDN'T HURT,

ESPECIALLY IF KYLE WAS
GETTING THE SAME DEAL.

I WAS JUST...CURIOUS.

CURIOUS, HUH?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
CURIOSITY KILLED?

I ENDED UP THINKING ABOUT KYLE
THE WHOLE TIME ANYWAY,

EVEN WHEN
THAT DUDE WAS KISSING ME.

WELL, YOU WENT OUT WITH A GUY
FROM THE FASHION CLASS.

HE WAS PROBABLY
THINKING ABOUT KYLE, TOO.

BUT THAT GUY,
HE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME.

I JUST HOPE THAT I HAVEN'T
SCREWED EVERYTHING UP.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL
KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

YEAH, I DO.
I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.
OH. OH. NO, I KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WHAT ARE YOU TELLING --
NO, YEAH, NO.

YOUR IDEA IS TO PRETEND
IT NEVER HAPPENED

AND JUST FORGET ABOUT IT --
IS THAT IT?

WHAT'S THE GOOD
OF HER TELLING HIM?

MAKES HER FEEL BETTER
AND HE FEELS HORRIBLE.

HE'S A DEPRESSED GUY
WALKING AROUND MY STORE.

WE HAVE GUNS THERE.

DAD, IF I DON'T TELL KYLE,
I'M GONNA FEEL HORRIBLE.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

HEY, MRS. B.
I COULDN'T FIND A CREAM SODA.

YEAH, UH, DON'T WORRY.

IT'S, UH --
IT'S TIME FOR WINE ANYWAY.

KYLE, I NEED
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH, WHAT IS IT?

UM...

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOVE YOU.

DON'T EVER GO AWAY
AGAIN.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

WELL, I'M NOT GOING BACK
TO VEGAS ANYTIME SOON.

GOOD.

OH, AND I, UH,
LOST THAT 20 BUCKS

YOU ASKED ME
TO BET FOR YOU.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

OH, NO,
I-I DIDN'T LOSE IT LIKE THAT.

I DROPPED IT
RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.

WHAT?

YEAH, I'M GOING
IN THIS CASINO --

A VOLCANO ERUPTED.

YEAH, I GRABBED A COUPLE
LITTLE KIDS AND TOOK OFF.