Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 21 - April, Come She Will - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

[ ALARM BEEPS ]

WHAT DID I DO?

OH, THAT'S THE NEW SECURITY
SYSTEM CHUCK LARABEE INSTALLED.

JUST PUNCH 6-2-2-6-2.

IT'S EASY TO REMEMBER,
IT SPELLS "OBAMA."

THAT'S REAL FUNNY,
HONEY.

HAVING OBAMA PROTECT US
FROM BURGLARS,

CAN'T EVEN KEEP PUTIN
OUT OF CRIMEA.

SOMEONE'S
GOT A NEW BENGHAZI.



BENGHAZI'S
NOT OVER YET.
YEAH.

SWEETIE,
HOW WAS YOUR SLEEPOVER?

AWESOME.
GRANDPA'S RIGHT.

THE HOUSE
GETS SO PEACEFUL

ONCE ALL THE HENS
GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT TIME
DID HE GO TO BED?

EARLIER THAN USUAL.
THEY MOVED KIMMEL TO 11:30.

WE WATCHED TV
AND ORGANIZED OUR MEAT.

WOW, HE WATCHES TV
THE SAME WAY YOU DO.

I'M PREPARING
OUR FIRST BARBECUE.

BURGERS, CHICKEN, LAMB,
AND BRISKET.

MMM. SOUNDS LIKE
THE DELICIOUS REMAINS

OF A DRONE STRIKE
ON NOAH'S ARK.

UH, WHAT ABOUT TOFU,
HMM?



I'M SURE
MRS. NOAH WANTED IT,

BUT GOD SAID,
"NOT ON THIS CRUISE."

THEN WHAT IS AUNT APRIL
GONNA EAT?

AUNT APRIL?
IS THAT THIS WEEKEND?

YEP.
IT'S ON THE CALENDAR.

I SCRATCHED IT OUT
AND PUT "FIRST BARBECUE."

WELL, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE IT GO AWAY.

I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO HER FOR A WEEK.

SHE IS REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT THIS VISIT.
YEAH.

DOES SHE HAVE TO COME
IN THE HOUSE?

WE COULD JUST LEAVE
A BAG OF CASH

OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH.
OH, HONEY.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE
SHE'S NOT COMING FOR MONEY.

MAYBE SHE MISSES ME.

IF I OFFERED HER
400 BUCKS TO VISIT

OR $410 NOT TO VISIT,
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'D TAKE.

UH, I'LL LEAVE RIGHT NOW
FOR $200.

I THOUGHT
WE WERE GOING ANYWAY?

SHH.
BOYD, MOMMY'S WORKING.

NOBODY'S GETTING MONEY FOR
LEAVING THIS HOUSE UNTIL I DO,

AND THEN I'M TAKING HALF.

-- Captions by VITAC --

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.
CHUCK LARABEE.
HEY.

WOW. WHAT ARE YOU
DOING AROUND HERE?

LOOKING
FOR SLEEPING BAGS?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU FOLKS
WERE INTO CAMPING.

OH, "WE FOLKS" LOVE
TO SPEND TIME IN THE WOODS.

PLOTTING, PLANNING.
YOU'LL SEE.

I MEANT YOU MARINES.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK
YOU WERE INTO CAMPING

AFTER SPENDING ALL THAT TIME
IN GULF ONE.

OH, I'M SURE
THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT.

YOU TURN EVERYTHING
INTO A RACE THING.
OH.

MAKES IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE
TO INSULT YOU PERSONALLY.

[ SCOFFS ]
NEVER STOPS YOU FROM TRYING.

HEY. YOU MIGHT GET MORE
PEOPLE OF COLOR IN THIS STORE

IF YOU HIRED A FEW.

YOU KNOW, YOUR EMPLOYEES
LOOK LIKE

THE CAST OF THAT
"HILLBILLY HANDFISHIN'" SHOW.

YOU KNOW, WE SELL
RODS AND REELS HERE

AND DON'T REALLY LIKE DOING
THAT HANDFISHING IDEA.

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?
DEER STRANGLING?

IF THERE'S A STUPID WAY
TO HUNT ANIMALS,

I'M SURE YOU FOLKS
WILL GET RIGHT ON IT.

WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH?

I'M JUST
LOOKING AT FLASHLIGHTS.

OH, WE'VE GOT A GREAT DISPLAY
DOWN AT CAMPING.

TAKE THE HALLWAY DOWN,

THEN YOU'LL SEE
A BIG, STUFFED GRIZZLY BEAR.

IF YOU SEE
A REAL GRIZZLY BEAR,

YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR.

HUH.

THAT'S YOUR FRIEND CHUCK?

HE'S NOT MY FRIEND.
WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP
MAKING THAT MISTAKE?

WELL, 'CAUSE YOU GUYS
GO BACK AND FORTH LIKE WE DO,

AND WE'RE FRIENDS.

SHUT UP, KYLE.

SEE? ZING-ZANG!

I'M GLAD TO SEE CHUCK.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO REACH MORE

OF THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
MARKET.

WELL, LET'S NOT START
WITH CHUCK.

IF HE HAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE,
MAYBE HE'LL TELL HIS FRIENDS.

KYLE, I WANT YOU
TO TREAT MR. LARABEE

LIKE HE OWNS THE STORE.

YOU MEAN GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLY
RIBBING LIKE I DO WITH YOU GUYS?

SHUT UP, KYLE.

HOW DO I KEEP
WALKING INTO THAT?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ED.

YEAH, I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW
MR. LARABEE AROUND

AND TREAT HIM LIKE HE'S
DIFFERENT THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

Mike: GIVE HIM
A LOT OF ATTENTION.
OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF WE GIVE HIM
TOO MUCH ATTENTION,

HE MIGHT TAKE IT
THE WRONG WAY.

WELL, IF HE DOESN'T,
IT WON'T BE FUNNY.

EXCUSE ME.
CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, I'M GOOD.

YOU FINDING
EVERYTHING YOU NEED?

I'M FINE.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I KNOW EVERYTHING IN THE STORE,

WHERE IT IS,
AND HOW MANY OF THEM WE HAVE.

GOOD TO KNOW.

CAN I HELP YOU
FIND ANYTHING SPECIFIC?

LIKE I SAID, I'M FINE.

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO SPEND

ANY MORE TIME HERE THAN YOU
ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

RIGHT.

DO YOU MIND MY ASKING

WHY I'M GETTING
ALL THIS SPECIAL ATTENTION?

NOT AT ALL, SIR.

WHY AM I GETTING
ALL THIS SPECIAL ATTENTION?

OH, THE TOP BRASS SAID

FOR ME TO STAY
RIGHT ON TOP OF YOU.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK.

YOU KNOW,
MANDY BAXTER FASHIONS

IS NOT JUST
ABOUT MANDY BAXTER.

IT'S ABOUT HELPING PLAIN GIRLS
LOOK LIKE MANDY BAXTER.

HONEY, PLAIN GIRLS DON'T REALLY
LIKE BEING CALLED PLAIN.

I'M SORRY, MOM.

I KEEP FORGETTING
HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE.

WELL, AUNT APRIL'S HERE,
AND OFF TO A GREAT START.

PARKED RIGHT IN DAD'S SPOT.
HE'S GONNA BE --

HI!
[ SQUEALS ]
[ SQUEALS ]

OH!

LOOK
AT THE THREE OF YOU!

YOU'RE LIKE THE MORE BEAUTIFUL
CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

OOOH.
WELL, I CALL FARRAH.

NO, JACLYN SMITH.
NO, CAMERON DIAZ.

WHICH ANGEL AM I?

CHARLIE.

I LIKE IT. SMART ONE
SURROUNDED BY BIMBOS.

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

OH.
MM.

COME ON IN. SIT.

LET'S CATCH UP.
HOW'S YOUR LIFE?

YOU KNOW, PRETTY GREAT.

BRAD AND I
ARE BACK TOGETHER.

MM.
FOR NOW.

I HAVEN'T CHECKED
MY E-MAIL.

AND, UH, WHAT HAPPENED

WITH THAT CLOTHING STORE
YOU OPENED?

OH, YEAH. THE BIG AND TALL
SHOP FOR WOMEN.

OH, MANLY GAL.

WE WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.
I LOST A BUNDLE.

BUT I MET A TON
OF SWEET TRANSVESTITES.

HEY.

MIKE!
HI!

OH!
[ GRUNTS ]

OHH! I CAN'T FEEL
MY LOWER EXTREMITIES.

HOW IS EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE OUTDOOR MAN?

WELL,
WISHING HE WAS OUTDOORS.

SO, UH, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, IT JUST FEELS GREAT
TO GET OUT OF BOULDER.

YEAH,
WELCOME BACK TO AMERICA.

DAD, APRIL WAS JUST CATCHING US
UP ON HER AWESOME LIFE.

IT'S LIKE
A KATE HUDSON ROM-COM.

OHH, I SHOULD TAKE THIS CALL
IN THE DEN.

HEY,
YOUR PHONE DIDN'T RING.

JUST LET ME GO.

WELL, APRIL,
GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE.

IF I DON'T SEE YOU AGAIN,
HAVE A NICE TRIP.

YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU'LL SEE ME AGAIN.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I-I'M PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.

COME ON.
I GOT SOME WINE IN THE KITCHEN.

OH, UM, I MIGHT HAVE DONE SOME
COOKING WITH THAT LAST NIGHT.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, LARABEE.
COME ON IN.

VERY FUNNY, BAXTER.

HAVING A SALESMAN FOLLOW ME
THROUGH THE STORE.

PROFILING HUMOR --
NOT COOL.

YEAH,
SO, I DON'T GET IT.

IF A TAXI WON'T PICK YOU UP,
YOU'RE PISSED.
MM.

IF YOU GET TOO MUCH ATTENTION
IN MY STORE, YOU'RE PISSED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK
YOU JUST LIKE BEING PISSED.

IF YOU LIVED IN MY SKIN,
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

IF I LIVED IN YOUR SKIN,
IT'D BE KIND OF BAGGY ON ME.

I KNOW AT LEAST ONE PART OF ME
YOU'D BE SWIMMING IN.

SO, WHAT'S UP NEXT
FOR MY GORGEOUS KID SISTER?

I'VE KIND OF HIT
A POINT IN MY LIFE

WHERE I WANT
TO GET MORE GROUNDED.

YOU KNOW,
COMMIT TO SOMETHING REAL.

AH. APRIL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
GOOD FOR YOU.

SO I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY.

WHAT?!

A BABY?

LIKE, ON PURPOSE?

YOU'RE PREGNANT?

OH, HECK NO.

APPARENTLY
THAT WINDOW IS CLOSED.

SLAMMED SHUT
RIGHT ON MY UTERUS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

MANDY, NOT A FACTOR.

I'M NOT GONNA
LET THAT STOP ME.

SEE, I CAN BUY A DONOR EGG
FOR LIKE 6 GRAND,

WHICH I DON'T
TOTALLY HAVE, SO...

Y-YOU KNOW, I THINK
THERE MIGHT BE A BAG OF CASH

FOR YOU
ON THE FRONT PORCH.

APRIL HAVING A BABY

IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD.

SHH!
SHE'S IN KRISTIN'S ROOM.

OH, I FORGOT.

STUPIDEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD!

YOU KNOW,
WHEN WE STARTED A FAMILY,

WE DIDN'T
HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

WHEN WE STARTED A FAMILY,

IT DIDN'T INVOLVE A SYRINGE
AND A PETRI DISH.

YOU KNOW, WE HAD
SOME OF THE ANSWERS.

NO, I HAD THE ANSWERS
AND YOU JUST COPIED OFF OF ME.

APRIL IS 40.

HONEY, THIS COULD BE
HER LAST SHOT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOCIETY ALMOST MADE
A CLEAN GETAWAY.

LISTEN,
IF SHE HAD THAT KID,

WE'D HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF IT,

UNLESS BRAD AND ANGELINA
WANTED IT.

YEAH. NO, I KNOW.
YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

OH, I'M RIGHT.
GOSH.

I GUESS NOT EVERYBODY'S
CUT OUT TO BE MOMMIES.

I JUST WANT
TO GIVE MY KID SISTER

THE BENEFIT
OF THE DOUBT.

THAT'S WHAT WE COULD CALL OUR
ANNUAL FUNDRAISER FOR HER --

"THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT."

I FEEL SO LUCKY
HAVING KYLE.

OH, KYLE'S THE ONE
WHO'S LUCKY.

IN EVERY YOUNG MAN'S LIFE,
THERE IS A MANDY BAXTER.

IT'S USUALLY
MANDY BAXTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I FEEL
REALLY LUCKY TO HAVE BRAD.

I'M JUST HOPING
THAT HAVING THIS BABY

WILL GET HIM
TO SETTLE DOWN.

YEAH, YEAH.

IF THERE'S ONE SIREN CALL
A MAN CAN'T RESIST,

IT'S A CRYING BABY.

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I GOT PREGNANT,

RYAN DISAPPEARED
FOR THREE YEARS.

WELL, RYAN WAS YOUNG.

BRAD'S MORE STABLE.
HE'S IN A BAND.

OH, YEAH. ROCK ON.

BRAD WOULD BE
CRAZY TO LEAVE YOU.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND YOU'RE SO TALENTED.

MANDY, HONEY,
CAN YOU GIVE US A SEC?

OH, YEAH, SURE.

OH, MANDY AND I
HAVE NO SECRETS.

AH, WELL, CONSIDERING
YOUR YEAR AS A CARNY,

THAT'S DISTURBING.

APRIL, UM...

LOOK, MIKE AND I HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN WILLING TO HELP YOU,

BUT THIS --
THIS DONOR-EGG PROJECT...

WE JUST DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
UNDERWRITING IT.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

IF WE DON'T HELP HER, HOW IS
SHE GONNA START A FAMILY, MOM?

YEAH, I DON'T HAVE
ANYWHERE ELSE TO TURN.

YES, YOU DO.

I MEAN, I HAVE EGGS, RIGHT?

I'VE GOT LOTS OF THEM.

UH [CHUCKLES]
SLOW DOWN, MANDY.

IT'S NOT
LOANING HER A SWEATER.

ARE YOU SURE?

UM...YES?

[ BOTH GIGGLE ]

NOW I KNOW THAT MY BABY
WILL BE BRILLIANT AND BEAUTIFUL,

AND YOUR LITTLE, BABY EARS ARE
GONNA SET OFF BRAD'S GIANT ONES.

WAIT, WAIT, W-W-WAIT.
TH-TH-THIS IS A BIG DECISION.

IF IT'S A BOY, TREVOR.

TYLER.
TERRENCE.

DEAL.
[ GASPS ] DEAL.

I HAVE ALWAYS
LOVED THAT NAME.

I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS ON
BEYONCé'S SHORT LIST.

I HAVE TO GO
CALL KYLE ABOUT THIS.

YOU'RE NOT
SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING

TAKING MANDY UP
ON THIS OFFER.

YOU SAW
HOW HAPPY SHE WAS.

I CAN'T TAKE THAT
AWAY FROM HER.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S HAPPY

BECAUSE, CRAZY AS IT SEEMS,
SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU.

OH,
AND W IS THAT CRAZY?

[ SIGHS ]
BECAUSE, APRIL [SIGHS]

I MEAN, YOU'RE IMMATURE AND --
AND MANIPULATIVE,

AND...THOSE ARE NOT GOOD
QUALITIES FOR MANDY TO ADMIRE,

AND THEY'RE NOT
GOOD QUALITIES FOR A MOM.

OH, RIGHT.

I CAN'T BE A GREAT MOM

'CAUSE I'M NOT A BORING
GROWN-UP WITH A HOUSE

OR A HUSBAND OR A JOB.

ARE -- ARE YOU EVEN
HEARING YOURSELF?

VANESSA, I DON'T WANT
ALL OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE.

I JUST WANT ONE OF THEM.

A CHILD.

OKAY. YOU KNOW, APRIL,
I HELD YOUR HAND

WHEN WE WALKED
TO THE SCHOOL BUS,

AND I WILL NEVER
STOP HOLDING IT,

BUT MANDY IS MY CHILD.

AND I'M -- I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU EXPLOIT HER.

WOW.

WELL, AT LEAST MANDY
HAS FAITH

THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH
TO HANDLE THIS.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I NEED TO GET BACK TO BOULDER
BEFORE NIGHTFALL,

BECAUSE I AM DRIVING
ON THE LITTLE TIRE.

[ GUN COCKS ]

HEY. MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

ALL THIS MONTH,
IT'S SPRING TURKEY SEASON

HERE IN COLORFUL COLORADO.

GOBBLE! GOBBLE!

SITTING OUT HERE
IN THIS POP-UP BLIND

GIVES A HUNTER PLENTY OF TIME
TO THINK ABOUT THE BIG ISSUES.

LIKE BACKGROUND CHECKS.

OH, EASY, MIKE.

EVERYBODY'S PROTECTED
BY THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

NO, NO, NO. I MEANT BACKGROUND
CHECKS BEFORE HAVING A KID.

NOW, YOU DON'T
WANT THE GOVERNMENT

STICKING ITS BIG, FAT NOSE
INTO SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

BUT SOMEBODY
SHOULD DO SOMETHING

ABOUT STUPID PEOPLE
HAVING KIDS.

HILLARY CLINTON -- GOSH, MY
FAVORITE WOMAN ON THE PLANET --

LIKES TO SAY, "IT TAKES
A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD."

YOU KNOW,
IT REALLY SHOULDN'T.

SATISFYING HER HUSBAND,
THAT APPARENTLY TAKES A VILLAGE.

AND NOT
A PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE ONE.

SO, BEFORE YOU DECIDE
TO HAVE A KID,

GIVE YOURSELF
A LITTLE BACKGROUND CHECK.

ASK YOURSELF,
"AM I SHIFTLESS?

AM I A SKANKY DINGBAT
WHO CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB?"

IF YOUR ANSWER'S YES,

DO YOURSELF, THE KID,
AND SOCIETY A FAVOR

AND GO HUNTING INSTEAD.

RATHER THAN ADDING
ANOTHER TURKEY TO THIS WORLD,

TRY TAKING ONE OUT.

[ TURKEY GOBBLES ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

BYE-BYE, BIRDIE.

GREAT. NOW I'M CRAVING
TURKEY AND ANN-MARGRET.

HEY.
[ SIGHS ]

HEY.

WHERE'S YOUR SISTER?

SHE WENT BACK
TO BOULDER.

ALL RIGHT, I WIN!

NO OFFENSE, BUT IT'S
WORTH HAVING HER HERE

BECAUSE YOU GET
THE SWEET RELIEF

WHEN SHE FINALLY
GETS OUT OF HERE.

EVERYTHING TASTES BETTER.

MANDY OFFERED TO GIVE APRIL
ONE OF HER EGGS.

AHH.

HOW'S THAT BEER
TASTING NOW?

LIKE THE FIRST OF MANY.

DID YOU TALK TO HER?

WELL, I WAS WAITING
FOR YOU TO COME HOME

SO WE CAN COME UP
WITH A...
MANDY!

...UNIFIED STRATEGY.

WHAT?

THIS IS NUTS.

UNLESS YOU'RE
A SOCIALIST FARMER,

YOU DON'T GIVE AWAY
YOUR EGGS.

HONEY, YOU OFFERING
TO GIVE APRIL

A CHANCE AT MOTHERHOOD
WAS VERY GENEROUS,

BUT --
NO, YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GENEROUS

IS GIVING BACK
THE PANAMA CANAL.
OKAY.

THIS --
THIS IS JUST STUPID.

THIS IS LIKE SOMETHING
JIMMY CARTER WOULD DO.

GREAT. YES.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.

"MANDY IS SO STUPID.
SHE'S JUST LIKE JIMMY CARTER."

DON'T I GET ANY CREDIT
FOR THE GRADES

I'VE BEEN GETTING IN SCHOOL?

OR STARTING
A PROFITABLE BUSINESS?

OR MOVING THE MAILBOX TO
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DRIVEWAY

SO I WOULDN'T
KEEP BACKING OVER IT?

HONEY, YOU HAVE
GROWN A LOT THIS YEAR,

AND YOU DESERVE
A LOT OF CREDIT,

BUT NOT ENOUGH
TO LET YOU DO THIS.

NO WAY.
WELL, I'M SORRY,
ALL RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU'RE S--
YOU GUYS
CAN'T STOP ME.

IT'S MY BODY, MY CHOICE,
OKAY?

COLLEGE HAS BEEN
GOOD TO YOU.

SHE CAN READ
A BUMPER STICKER.

OH, STOP.

SO, YOU HAD THE SAME EXACT
ARGUMENT WITH YOUR MOM

THAT I DID.

I GOT
THE MOM-DAD TAG TEAM.

THEY WERE LIKE,
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

AND I WAS LIKE "BLAH."

I MADE YOU A SANDWICH

'CAUSE I KNOW YOUR EGG
IS EATING FOR TWO NOW.

IT'S EGG SALAD.

I HOPE
THAT'S NOT INSENSITIVE.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

UM, HEY, APRIL,

I'VE BEEN DOING
A LOT OF RESEARCH.

THIS WHOLE PROCESS IS,
LIKE, PRETTY INVOLVED.

OH, I'M STRESSED OUT
EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
Yeah.

IF I STARTED
THE FERTILITY SHOTS IN MAY,

THEN THEY
COULD DO THE EXTRACTION

AND THEN BRAD
COULD ADD HIS, UM...

UH -- PBHT! --
INGREDIENT,

AND THEN WE'RE, LIKE,

PRETTY MUCH GOOD TO GO
END OF JUNE.

AAH! NOPE.

END OF JUNE
DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

NO, I CAN'T BE PREGNANT

IF ARCADE FIRE
COMES TO RED ROCKS.

IF WIN BUTLER
CALLS ME UP ON STAGE,

I DON'T WANT TO BE PUFFY.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

WELL, WHEN WOULD
WORK FOR YOU?

UH...MAYBE AUGUST?

OH, YOU KNOW, WE'RE THINKING
ABOUT GOING TO GREECE.

OH, YOU'RE
GOING TO GREECE?

"GREASE."
I LOVE THAT MUSICAL.

I PLAYED KENICKIE
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS NOT GOOD.

BUT IF YOU'RE HAVING A KID,
DON'T YOU THINK,

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD KIND OF
BE SAVING...?

OHH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, THIS WHOLE THING
IS JUST BECOMING A WHOLE THING.

Um...

YOU KNOW,
HOW ABOUT WE DO SEPTEMBER?

NAH, YOU'RE GONNA BE
BACK IN SCHOOL BY THEN.

RIGHT. AND PLUS, I'LL BE
STARTING MY NEW FALL LINE.

AWW, LISTEN TO YOU.
SO INDUSTRIOUS.

MUST MAKE ROMPERS.
MUST MAKE ROMPERS.

You know what?
We'll figure it out.

WE HAVE TIME.

IT'S NOT LIKE MY OVARIES
CAN GET ANY DEADER.

OKAY, WELL,
WE'LL TALK SOON.

AWW, CIAO FOR NOW.

[ SIGHS ]

WHY ARE YOU STARING
LIKE THAT?

YOU LOOK LIKE
THE AUDIENCE

THROUGH MY PERFORMANCE
IN "GREASE."

UM...

KYLE,
I'M JUST WONDERING,

DO YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING
WITH APRIL IS A MISTAKE?

MANDY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I SUPPORT YOU 100%.

AND YES,
IT'S A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.

REALLY?

YEAH.
CHILDREN ARE PRECIOUS.

IF SOMEBODY
WANTS TO HAVE A BABY,

THEY SHOULD BE SERIOUS
AND WILLING TO PUT UP

WITH A LITTLE
INCONVENIENCE.

THAT'S WHAT I'D WANT
FOR ANY KID THAT'S PART YOURS.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS GONNA
HAVE A BABY,

I'D WANT IT TO BE
WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

DEAL.

[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD.

I'VE ALWAYS
LOVED THAT NAME, TOO.

[ ALARM BLARES ]
AH! WHAT DO I PRESS?

IT'S
YOUR FATHER'S BIRTHDAY.

SHOOT, I DIDN'T
GET HIM ANYTHING!

WE CHANGED THE CODE
TO YOUR FATHER'S BIRTHDAY.

LADIES, LADIES, LADIES,
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

I KNOW, I FORGOT.
I'M SORRY.

HONEY, UH,
THE SECURITY'S --
WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

THE LIGHT KEEPS BLINKING.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

I DON'T KNOW.
HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
HOLD IT.

IT'S BECAUSE...

ONE OF THE WINDOW SENSORS
IS OUT.

I GOT TO GO LOOK AT THAT.

HEY.
HI.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

YES.

UM...

I TOLD AUNT APRIL THAT
I COULDN'T GIVE HER AN EGG.
AH.

MY CHOICE.

OKAY. GOOD.
I THINK IT'S THE RIGHT CHOICE.

RIGHT.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
YEAH.

YOU'RE NO JIMMY CARTER.

I'M GONNA GO TO BED.

GOT SOME ROMPERS
TO SEW TOMORROW.

MWAH!
OH, GOOD.

NIGHT, DAD.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

SHE HAS TURNED INTO A REALLY
AMBITIOUS YOUNG WOMAN.

SOMEBODY DID
A GOOD JOB PARENTING.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

LISTEN...

I GOT TO FIX THIS WINDOW

AND THEN I'LL BE UP
FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

SO, UH, BRACE YOURSELF.

OKAY,
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

KEEP YOUR HANDS
WHERE I CAN SEE THEM.

HEY.
IT'S JUST A FALSE ALARM.

ONE OF MY SCREEN SENSORS
LOOKS LIKE IT CAME LOOSE.

I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE
SOME I.D.

I DON'T HAVE ANY I.D.
I LIVE HERE.

THIS HOUSE.
LOOK AT MY DESK.

YOU'LL SEE A PICTURE OF ME
SITTING RIGHT ON THAT DESK.

LOOK AT THAT.

SO YOU'VE BEEN
LOOKING IN THE WINDOWS?

WHAT'S GOING ON, HAL?

RESPONDING TO AN ALARM,
MR. LARABEE.
UH-HUH.

FOUND THIS ONE
BY THE FRONT WINDOW.

YEAH, HE DOES FIT THE PROFILE
OF A PEEPING TOM --

MIDDLE-AGED,
SWEATPANTS, PEEPING.

HE SAYS
HE'S THE RESIDENT.

MM. STRAIGHT OUT OF
THE PEEPING-TOM HANDBOOK.

THIS IS REAL FUNNY,
LARABEE.
[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, I COULD
PUT THIS ON YELP.

[ CHUCKLES ] I'LL VOUCH FOR HIM,
HAL. GO AHEAD, GUYS.

OKAY.
TAKE IT EASY, BOSS.
SEE?

HEY, DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD,
DOES IT?

YOU KNOW --
WHEN PEOPLE JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW
WHAT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD

IS HIRING AN INCOMPETENT
SECURITY COMPANY.

YOU KNOW, THAT WINDOW SENSOR'S
LOOSE OR SOMETHING.

KEEPS SHOWING UP
ON THIS ALARM PAD.

OH, YOU PROBABLY
CHANGED THE PASS CODE

WITHOUT RESETTING
THE SYSTEM.

DID YOU SWITCH OUT OBAMA?

IT WAS A CHANGE
I COULD BELIEVE IN.

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, YEAH, IT'S BEEN
A TOUGH FIVE YEARS.

BIN LADEN'S DEAD
AND THE STOCK MARKET'S DOUBLED.

HANG IN THERE.

YEAH. NO DOUBT,
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN BETTER.
MM.

BUSH'S POLICIES
HAVE FINALLY KICKED IN.

[ LAUGHS ]

GOOD NIGHT, BAXTER.

NIGHT, LARABEE.