Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - Parenting Bud - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING"
IS RECORDED

IN FRONT OF A LIVE
STUDIO AUDIENCE.

GOOD MORNING.

OH, IT WILL BE ONCE THIS
BRAN MUFFIN WORKS ITS MAGIC.

I USED TO GET A PECK ON THE LIPS
IN THE MORNING.

NOW I GET AN UPDATE
ON YOUR COLON.

COLON?

I HOPE YOU GUYS
ARE TALKING ABOUT PUNCTUATION.

LISTEN, I WON'T HAVE TIME
TO MAKE DINNER TONIGHT,

SO I'M JUST GONNA
PICK SOMETHING UP.

ANY PREFERENCE?
I DON'T CARE.
I'M EASY, HONEY.



OH, GOOD. THERE'S A NEW
GREEK PLACE I WANT TO TRY.

NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT
WITH THE GREEKS?

I MEAN,
THAT MEDITERRANEAN WORK ETHIC

HAS GOT THE WHOLE WORLD ECONOMY
IN A TAILSPIN.

I JUST WANTED A KABOB.

WHERE, UH --
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

HONEY, I DON'T CARE.
I'M EASY.
UH, THEN...CHINESE?

PASS!

WE'LL ALL BE EATING THAT FOOD
FULL-TIME SOON ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW
WHERE THIS IS HEADED, MOM.

JUST SAY TEXAS BARBECUE.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
I'M NOT PICKY.

ALL RIGHT.



GOOD MORNING.

HEY, HONEY.
HEY, KRIS.

BOY, YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER HERE.

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WANTED TO LIVE WITH RYAN.

I THINK YOU GO HOME
AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.

I JUST NEEDED A PLACE TO CHILL
FOR AN HOUR, OKAY?

BOYD HAD ME UP ALL NIGHT
WITH A STOMACH VIRUS.

OH, SO YOU THOUGHT YOU'D BRING
THAT VIRUS OVER HERE.

THANKS.
NEXT TIME, BRING DOUGHNUTS.
NO, NO, NO!

DON'T TOUCH THE HANDLE
OF THE COFFEE POT!

YOU'LL GET YOUR GERMY SPORES
ON EVERYTHING.

I'LL GET IT FOR YOU,
HONEY.

THANK YOU. MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST DRINK MY COFFEE OUTSIDE.

ALL RIGHT.

WIPE DOWN THAT DOOR HANDLE
AND THEN BURY THE CUP.

I AM NOT STANDING OUTSIDE,
OKAY?

I PROMISE I'LL TRY
NOT TO BREATHE ON YOU.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

SO IS RYAN TAKING CARE
OF MY GRANDSON?
YEAH, OF COURSE.

HONEY, MEN ARE CAPABLE
OF TAKING CARE OF SICK CHILDREN.

UH, YEAH,
THEY'RE CALLED DOCTORS.

YOUR GRANDMA ESCAPED AGAIN,
KYLE?

I'M SO SORRY.

WELL, LISTEN, SHE COULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN VERY FAR.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

WELL, WHY WOULD THEY PUT
A RETIREMENT HOME

RIGHT NEXT TO A BUS STATION?

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
WHY WON'T ANYBODY
ANSWER THE DOOR?

KYLE'S NOT GONNA BE
AT WORK TODAY.

WHY WON'T ANYBODY
ANSWER MY QUESTION?

HEY, LARABEE, COME ON IN.
HEY, BAXTER.

HEY, I'VE BEEN RINGING
THAT DOORBELL FOR TWO MINUTES.

I WOULD HAVE JUMPED
RIGHT UP,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT WHITE MEN.

[ CHUCKLES ]
WE SAY A LOT OF THINGS.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
I NOTICED YOU DON'T HAVE

A HOME-SECURITY SIGN
IN THE FRONT LAWN.

I DIDN'T NEED ONE UNTIL
THE NEIGHBORHOOD GOT SO DIVERSE.

OH.

I STARTED MY OWN
HOME-SECURITY BUSINESS --

SOMETHING TO, YOU KNOW, KEEP ME
BUSY SINCE MY RETIREMENT.

HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD KNOW
MORE ABOUT SECURITY
THAN A GUY LIKE YOU?

OH, YOU MEAN,
"WHO KNOWS MORE

"ABOUT BREAKING
INTO PEOPLE'S HOMES

THAN SOMEONE
WHO'S DIVERSE?"

NO.

I WAS THINKING THAT
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MARINE.

BUT YOURS WORKS, TOO.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY,
BAXTER?

MOST OF THE NEIGHBORS
ARE SIGNING UP.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO PROTECT YOUR HOME?

YOU GOT A LOT OF NICE STUFF
IN HERE.

I DON'T NEED PROTECTION.

I GOT ALL THE SECOND-AMENDMENT
PROTECTION I NEED UP IN MY DEN.

WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT AROUND?
WHAT THEN?

YOU'VE SEEN ME ON THE RANGE,
MR. LARABEE.

I COULD SHOOT THE NADS
OFF A SQUIRREL AT 100 YARDS.

OH. HEY, WHAT IF THE ROBBER
ISN'T A SQUIRREL?

BIGGER NADS,
BIGGER TARGET.

JUST, UH,
THINK ABOUT IT, BAXTER.
ALL RIGHT.

A-AND, EVE, STOP BY LATER
WITH YOUR PELLET GUN.

I GOT A BUSHY-TAILED BARITONE
IN MY CEDAR TREE

THAT NEEDS TO GO
SOPRANO.

OKAY, SO YOUR GRANDMA'S
ON A BUS TO RENO?

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
GOOD LUCK FINDING HER, BABE.

AND, HEY, IF SHE MAKES IT
ALL THE WAY TO RENO,

GOOD LUCK
TO YOUR GRANDMA, TOO, HUH?

-- Captions by VITAC --

LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT NOW.

BOYD WAS SICK,
AND RYAN WAS WATCHING HIM?

YEP.
BUT HE'S THE DAD.

I KNOW.
IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?

MIKE, THE WORLD
IS UPSIDE DOWN.

WE SHOULD JUST ALL START
WALKING AROUND ON OUR HANDS.

WHAT'S ALL THE CHITCHAT,
LADIES?

HEY, DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OVER HERE?

ED AND I ARE GOING OFF
TO KANSAS

FOR AN OVERNIGHT
HUNTING TRIP.

I CAN'T GO HUNTING.
I GOT STUFF TO DO HERE.

YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

JUST US VETS.
COME ON.
LET'S GO GRAB SOME LUNCH FIRST.

GOOD.
LIKE I SAID, I'M BUSY.

YOU WEREN'T INVITED
TO THAT, EITHER.

YOU GOT TO TRY THE BáNH MI
AT MY FAVORITE VIETNAMESE PLACE.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL INTRODUCE YOU
TO A KID THERE

WHO LOOKS
SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE YOU.

SO THEY SHOT AT YOU
IN VIETNAM,

AND YOU'RE GOING
TO A VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT?

YEAH, I HAVE A VERY
COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOUTHEAST ASIA.

DAD, WHAT DID YOU DO
TO YOUR HEAD?

UH, IT'S NOTHING.

I, UH -- I GOT ROLLED
THE OTHER NIGHT, UH...

YOU WHAT?
YEAH,
THEY GRABBED MY STASH.

THAT'S POT TALK FOR A --

I KNOW WHAT A STASH IS.

YOU GOT MUGGED?

I WAS LEAVING
THE GROW HOUSE,

GUY JUMPED ME, AND GAVE ME
A KNOCK ON THE HEAD.

PHEW!
I CAME TO,

THERE WAS A CAT
LICKING MY FACE.

KIND OF NICE.
I MIGHT GET A CAT.

SO, YOUR TAKEAWAY
FROM GETTING MUGGED

IS YOU'RE GONNA GET
A CAT?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT
A GROW HOUSE IN THAT
NEIGHBORHOOD. IT'S DANGEROUS.

WHAT ARE YOU USING
FOR PROTECTION?

LANA TURNER,
RAQUEL WELCH.

BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH
KNOCKOUTS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GET HIM A 9-MILLIMETER?

WE CUSTOMIZE IT AND GET YOU
A CONCEALED-WEAPONS PERMIT.

I DON'T WANT A GUN.

I DON'T SEE SO GOOD
THESE DAYS.

YOU DON'T SEE SO GOOD?

YOU'RE TAKING HIM
HUNTING?

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
TAKE DICK CHENEY WITH YOU?

I'M OKAY.
DON'T BE SUCH A WORRYWART.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE, MIKE.
IT'S GONNA BE FINE.

KYLE, KYLE, PULL ME
A KEVLAR FLAK JACKET,

BRIGHT ORANGE,
HEAVY-DUTY.

YES, SIR.

[ KNOCKING ]

HEY, UH,
I'M REALLY SORRY

I MISSED WORK YESTERDAY,
MR. B.

MY GRANDMA
GOT AWAY AGAIN.

YEAH, MANDY TOLD ME.
DID YOU FIND HER?

YEAH. YEAH, YOU KNOW,
IT TOOK A WHILE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'D THINK
AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

PLAYING SLOTS IN HER BRA
AND A SEQUINED COWBOY HAT

WOULD STAND OUT.

NOT IN RENO.

DID YOU GRAB THE RIGHT ONE?
[ CHUCKLES ]

EVENTUALLY.

THE FIRST ONE WAS WAY
TOO WILLING TO GET
IN THE VAN WITH ME.

MY GRANDMA PUT UP
MORE OF A FIGHT.

SHE'S STILL OF SOUND BODY,
JUST NOT SO SOUND OF MIND.

WELL, YOU GOT A LOT
OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN YOU.

THANKS, MR. B.

Vanessa: I KNEW THIS POT SHOP
WAS DANGEROUS.

AT LEAST WHEN YOUR DAD WAS
IN THE CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS,

WHEN HE GOT HIT ON THE HEAD,
HE WAS WEARING A HARD HAT.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM
HAVING A MARIJUANA SHOP.

IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HIM
GETTING OLDER.

HONEY, HE WAS CARRYING THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS WORTH OF REEFER.

[ CHUCKLES ] "REEFER"?

MM.

NOW WHO'S GETTING OLD?

I GUESS YOUR DAD'S
JUST GETTING TO THAT AGE

WHERE HE'S GONNA NEED
MORE HELP FROM US.

I OFFERED TO BUY HIM A HANDGUN.
WHAT MORE CAN I DO?

PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER
THESE DAYS,

DESPITE YOUR POLICY
OF ARMING THE ELDERLY.

HIS VISION'S GOING. HE SAYS
HE NEEDS A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

HOW DO I DO THAT?

YOU MENTION IT TO ME,
AND I TAKE CARE OF IT.

I JUST MENTIONED IT
TO YOU.

I'LL CALL IN THE MORNING.

OLD PEOPLE
ARE SO HELPLESS.

MM.

AND NOW I GOT MY BUSINESS
PARTNER AND MY HALF-BLIND DAD

RUNNING AROUND KANSAS
WITH RIFLES.

I SHOULD CALL AND SEE
IF THEY'RE BOTH STILL ALIVE.

YOU KNOW, I WONDER IF OUR KIDS
WILL BE AS CONCERNED ABOUT US

WHEN WE'RE DROOLING OUT OF
THE CORNERS OF OUR MOUTHS.

WELL, THANK GOD
I STILL GOT EVE.

NO, HEY.

WE STILL HAVE EVE.

YOU KEEP
TELLING YOURSELF THAT.

HONEY, YOU KNOW,
NO, NO, STATISTICALLY,

YOU -- YOU'RE NOT EVEN
GONNA NEED EVE.

UH, WOMEN, ON AVERAGE,

OUTLIVE THEIR SPOUSES
BY 12 YEARS.

WELL, I'M GONNA
TURN THAT AROUND.
OH?

YOU REMEMBER, I'M THE ONE
THAT SERVICES YOUR CAR.

AND I'M THE ONE
THAT PREPARES YOUR MEALS.

WOW, WE -- WE REALLY

JUST TIPPED OUR HANDS
JUST THEN, DIDN'T WE?

HEY.
HOW'S BOYD FEELING?

OH, HE'S FINE.
HE'S BACK AT SCHOOL.

BUT NOW RYAN IS SICK.

GREAT.

NOW YOU'RE HERE
SPREADING RYAN GERMS.

WHY DON'T YOU BRING OVER
SOME LEPERS,

AND WE'LL ALL
PLAY TWISTER?

YOU KNOW,
WHEN KYLE'S SICK,

HE WON'T LET ANYONE
TAKE CARE OF HIM.

IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT KYLE.

HONEY, NO, W-WHEN YOU CARE
ABOUT SOMEBODY,

YOU LOOK AFTER THEM,
AND THEN THEY LOOK AFTER YOU.

I KNOW.

IF YOU'RE NICE TO SOMEBODY,
THEN THEY OWE YOU,

THEN YOU GOT 'EM RIGHT
WHERE YOU WANT 'EM.

NO, THEY DON'T OWE YOU.

YOU BOTH DO IT
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO.

BUT...I DON'T WANT TO.

SO THAT'S WHERE
YOUR LITTLE SYSTEM FALLS APART.

YEAH, MOM,
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?
NO.

DO YOU HAVE SOME
GROSS OLD-PERSON DISEASE?

OH, GOD. MOM.
YOU DO LOOK TERRIBLE.

I FEEL FINE,
AND I LOOK GREAT.

NOW, SOMEDAY --
DECADES FROM NOW --

I MIGHT NEED YOU GIRLS
TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

SO, WHEN YOU SAY
"TAKE CARE OF,"

I HOPE
YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT

ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES
LATEX GLOVES.

MAYBE, YEAH.
PEOPLE GET OLDER -- THINGS LEAK.

OH, COME ON, NO!
STOP!

I'M NOT GONNA LEAK.

BUT YOUR DAD AND I MIGHT BE
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY SOMEDAY.

MM. NO PROBLEM.

BY THEN, OLD PEOPLE
WILL BE CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN.

SO I'LL BE SURE
TO SAY HELLO

EACH TIME
I REACH FOR A POPSICLE.

MAYBE --
MAYBE WE COULD KEEP

HER MOUTH OPEN
JUST A LITTLE BIT.

USE HER
AS A BOTTLE OPENER.

JUST LIKE...

VERY NICE.
VERY NICE.

THAT'LL TEACH ME TO DISCUSS
A SERIOUS TOPIC

WITH PEOPLE
WHO SUPPOSEDLY LOVE ME.

I WILL BE THERE
FOR YOU MOM, OKAY,

AND ONE OF THESE TWO
CAN HAVE DAD.

NOT IT!
NOT IT!

[ LAUGHS ]
YOU'RE STUCK WITH DAD!

NO! I WANT MOM!

GIRLS, GIRLS,

THERE'S PLENTY OF FUTURE ME
TO GO AROUND.

WAIT A SECOND, EVE.

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL.

I AM.
[ SIGHS ]

BUT IT WOULD BE HARD FOR ME
TO WATCH DAD GO.

SO IT'LL BE EASIER
FOR YOU TO WATCH ME GO?

A LITTLE.

I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.

UM, I MEAN,

YOU'D ALL PREFER
TO TAKE CARE OF ME, SO...

YEAH, YOU'D BE
A PIECE OF CAKE.

YEAH, YOU'RE EASYGOING.
COMPARED TO DAD.

HE ALWAYS GETS HIS WAY.

NO, NO, NO.
I-I DON'T KNOW THAT THAT'S TRUE.

YES, LIKE THE OTHER NIGHT,
REMEMBER?

WHEN YOU WANTED
GREEK FOOD

AND YOU ENDED UP
WITH TEXAS BARBECUE?

YOU'RE A PUSHOVER.

NO, NO, I'M NOT.
YOU ARE.

OKAY, MAYBE I AM.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
THERE IS DEFINITELY

A GIVE-AND-TAKE
WITH YOUR FATHER.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

AND I GET MY WAY
PLENTY OF TIMES.

[ SCOFFS ]
LISTEN TO HER.

SHE ALREADY HAS DEMENTIA.
[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY!
MY HEARING HASN'T GONE YET!

HI, CHUCK.

HELLO, VANESSA.
IS MIKE AROUND?

UH, NO.
NO, HE ISN'T. SORRY.

OH, I WAS
JUST CHECKING BACK TO SEE

IF HE'D GIVEN ANY MORE THOUGHT
TO USING MY SECURITY BUSINESS.

HUH?

UH, UH, NO,
HE HASN'T MENTIONED ANYTHING.

HMM.
THAT'S WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, CAROL AND I ALWAYS
SHARE IMPORTANT THINGS

THAT, YOU KNOW,
AFFECT THE HOUSEHOLD.

I GUESS YOU AND MIKE
DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

NO, I, UH --
I WOULDN'T MIND

REACTIVATING
OUR HOME-SECURITY SYSTEM.

OH.
YEAH, BUT, UM, I JUST --

I JUST DON'T KNOW
IF -- IF --

OH, IT'S OKAY. I KNOW YOU NEED
TO RUN IT BY MIKE.

WHEN HE DECIDES
WHAT HE WANTS YOU GUYS TO DO,

HAVE HIM GIVE ME A CALL.
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, CHUCK,
NO. NO, NO.

MIKE DOESN'T MAKE
ALL THE DECISIONS AROUND HERE.

THAT "WELCOME" MAT
YOU'RE STANDING ON --

MIKE WANTED ONE
THAT SAYS "GO AWAY."

IT SAYS "GO AWAY."

OH, DAMN IT.
WHEN DID HE GET THAT?

THE HUSBAND SAYS,
"TRY THE KITCHEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, MIKE.

HEY, GUYS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DIDN'T YOU READ
THE DOORMAT?

WE BROUGHT BACK
A BUNCH OF RABBITS.

VANESSA SAID COME ON OUT
IN THE BACK AND SMOKE THEM.

BOY, YOU'LL SMOKE ANYTHING
THESE DAYS, WON'T YOU, DAD?

WE'RE JUST SWAPPING
WAR STORIES, THAT'S ALL.

YEAH, UH, PULL UP A CHAIR.
HAVE A BEER.

VERY GENEROUS OF YOU, CHUCK,
SINCE IT'S MY CHAIR AND MY BEER.

BELIEVE THIS GUY?

CALLED FIVE TIMES TO CHECK ON ME
DURING OUR HUNTING TRIP.

OH, YEAH.
NERVOUS NELLIE.

THAT'S WHY I GOT YOU A SATELLITE
PHONE, DAD, SO I COULD FIND YOU.

HOW COME
YOU DIDN'T PICK IT UP?

I DON'T LIKE USING THAT THING.
IT COSTS 10 BUCKS A MINUTE.

YEAH, IT REMINDS ME OF
A LITTLE PLACE I USED TO GO TO

IN SAIGON
DURING THE WAR.

THAT WAS
10 BUCKS A MINUTE, TOO.

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
IS YOU SPENT 10 BUCKS.

OOH, MIKE.
[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU CAN'T TAKE SHOTS
IF YOU WEREN'T SHOT AT.

LET CHUCK
FINISH HIS STORY.
Chuck: OKAY.

THE MEDIC TAKES ONE LOOK
AT MY LEG WOUND AND PASSES OUT.
MM-HMM.

AND I'M THINKING, "MAN,
THIS -- THIS CAN'T BE GOOD."

TURNS OUT
THE GUY WAS HYPOGLYCEMIC.
OH.

LUCKY FOR BOTH OF US,
I HAD A KIT KAT.

120 DEGREES IN THAT DESERT,
AND THAT THING DIDN'T MELT.

YOU TELL ME
GOD ISN'T AMERICAN.

OUR MEDICS WERE SO HOPPED UP
ON MORPHINE,

WHEN I GOT SHOT,
I HAD TO PAY

ONE OF THE VILLAGERS
TO REMOVE THE BULLET.

SHE STITCHED ME UP AND GAVE ME
A MANICURE WHILE SHE WAS AT IT.

BEST BUCK AND A QUARTER
I EVER SPENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, I-I WAS VERY, VERY LUCKY.
I WAS FORTUNATE.

I GOT TOP-NOTCH CARE
FOR MY WAR INJURIES.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SHOT
DURING THE WAR, ED.

YEAH, I GOT MY FINGER CAUGHT
IN A FILING CABINET.

TO THIS DAY,
WHENEVER I HEAR DRAWERS SLAM...

I'M RIGHT BACK THERE.

I DIDN'T, UM...

I DIDN'T SERVE, YOU KNOW?

I TURNED 18,
AND WAR WAS OVER.

IT SUCKED.

AND THAT'S THE LAST WAR
THE U.S. WAS EVER IN.

DIDN'T YOU GO TO CAMP
THAT SUMMER AT EVERGREEN LAKE?

YEAH, I GOT
THAT HORRIBLE SUNBURN...

AND, YOU KNOW,
S-SWIMMER'S ITCH.

GOT A BIG...
SPIDER BITE...

DURING THE CAMP --
CAMP DRILLS.

BOY, LOOK AT THOSE RABBITS
COMING ALONG, DAD.

YOU GUYS DID
REALLY WELL.

YOUR DAD
GOT FIVE KILLS --

ONE AT 50 YARDS.

YEAH, HIPPITY-HOPPITY,

EASTER'S NOT ON ITS WAY
FOR THAT BUNNY.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR --
YOUR EYES WERE BOTHERING YOU.

I GOT LUCKY.

YOU GOT LUCKY
FIVE TIMES?

WELL, AFTER I SHOT
THE FIRST ONE,

I HAD FOUR RABBIT'S FEET.

DAD.

YOU'RE CLIPPING RABBITS
AT 50 YARDS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOUR AIM OR YOUR EYES.

WE'RE NOT STARTING
THAT AGAIN, ARE WE?

LOOK, I DON'T NEED A GUN
FOR PROTECTION.

THIS IS NOT FLORIDA,

WHERE YOU CAN GO AROUND
SHOOTING PEOPLE FOR NO REASON.

THERE'S A REASON --

SAME REASON
I DON'T VACATION IN FLORIDA.

I'M JUST SAYING YOU NEED
SOME KIND OF PROTECTION.
IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.

I GOT THIS FAR
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ED, GIVE ME A RIDE BACK
TO MY SHOP.

YEAH, OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
LET IT GO, MIKE.

THE LAST THING
GUYS OUR AGE NEED

IS SOMEONE TELLING THEM
THEY'RE HELPLESS.

WHAT WAS YOUR NICKNAME
AT THAT SUMMER CAMP?

BUZZKILL?

HEY, DAD.
HEY, MR. B.

HEY, YOU GUYS HUNGRY?

EW!
YEAH, NO THANKS.

UM, WE HAD DINNER
AT HIS GRANDMA'S REST HOME.

IT WAS
"EAT WITH YOUR TEETH OUT" NIGHT.

I HAD LIKE
10 TAPIOCA CUPS.

I'M FEELING
A LITTLE WOOZY.

I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN ONE
WITH THE MEDICINE.

I'VE GOT TO GO
TAKE A SHOWER.

I GOT HUGGED BY
LIKE 20 PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT

I WAS THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER.
[ CHUCKLES ]

AND ONE GUY
WHO DEFINITELY DIDN'T.

GOOD NIGHT.

SO, UM...
HOW'S YOUR GRANDMA?

UH, SHE'S GOOD.

I'M GONNA GO BACK
AND SIT WITH HER A LITTLE LATER.

SHE'S STILL
PRETTY AGITATED.

PROBABLY BECAUSE
YOU ATE HER MEDICINE.

WHEN YOU DO STUFF LIKE THIS
FOR HER, KYLE,

DOES SHE APPRECIATE
WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

OH, NO.
SHE GETS REALLY ANGRY.

SHE DOESN'T THINK SHE NEEDS
ANY HELP,

ESPECIALLY
FROM A DUNDERHEAD.

THAT'S HER SPECIAL NICKNAME
FOR ME.

YEAH, NOT JUST HERS.

I DON'T MIND.
I MEAN, SHE'S SET IN HER WAYS.

THAT'S WHY
I GOT TO LOOK OUT FOR HER.

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT
SHE'S PUTTING YOU THROUGH.

WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?
SHE'S FAMILY.

YO.

IT'S OPEN.

YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

DAD, IT'S ME.

UH, GLAD IT'S YOU,
MICHAEL.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF I WAS HERE TO ROB YOU?

WHY WOULD YOU ROB ME?

YOU'RE MY SON,
AND YOU'RE DOING FINE.

YEAH, YOU GOT ME THERE.

LISTEN, I BROUGHT THE RABBITS.
YOU LEFT THEM ON THE SMOKER.

EXCELLENT.

SO...
HOW'S THE POT BUSINESS?

BUSINESS IS GREAT.

I JUST HOPE
PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING

PUTTING THIS MARIJUANA STUFF
IN THEIR BODIES.

YOU WANT SOME BOOZE?

IT GOES GOOD
WITH RABBIT.

SURE.

A WILD TURKEY TOAST

TO A FELLOW
FALLEN FOREST CREATURE.

TRY SAYING THAT A COUPLE TIMES
AFTER A FEW OF THESE.

WHAT'S THIS?

DON'T GET ALL EXCITED.
LET ME EXPLAIN.

SOMEBODY OUGHT TO GIVE YOU
A KNOCK ON THE HEAD.

I DO NOT WANT A GUN.

JUST LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY IT
INTO MY COLD, DEAD HAND.

WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?

I DON'T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT WHAT, DAD?

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, MIKEY...

...THERE ARE WAR STORIES

LIKE ED AND HIS PAPER CUT.

AND THERE ARE
WAR STORIES --

THE STUFF GUYS DON'T TALK ABOUT
SITTING AROUND A SMOKER.

I THANK GOD EVERY DAY
THAT YOU MISSED THE DRAFT, SON.

I WOULD NEVER WANT YOU TO KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO KILL A MAN.

YOU REMEMBER THEIR FACES.
I-IT STICKS WITH YOU, MICHAEL.

I REALLY CAN'T IMAGINE.

I PROMISED MYSELF
THAT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN

POINT ONE OF THOSE
AT ANYTHING WALKING ON TWO FEET.

UNLESS IT WAS AN OSTRICH.

THAT WOULD BE
TOO GOOD TO PASS UP.

WELL, HOW ARE YOU GONNA
DEFEND YOURSELF?

IF SOMEBODY WANTS MY STASH
THAT BAD, THEY CAN HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW
WHAT A STASH IS, RIGHT?

YEAH,
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS.

I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GET THAT HEAD LOOKED AT.

JIMMY AND I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH.

WE USED TO PLAY SOLDIER
ALL THE TIME

JUST PRETENDING
TO BE YOU.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REAL HERO
TO US, YOU KNOW THAT?

THANK YOU.

I HAVE A PLAN "B"...

AS IN LARABEE.

CHUCK.
YEAH.

I LIKE THIS GUY.
[ CHUCKLES ]

DOESN'T HAVE SUCH GREAT THINGS
TO SAY ABOUT YOU.

I'D LIKE TO HIRE HIM
TO DO SECURITY AROUND HERE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN
A WEAKER DEFENSE

SINCE THE BRONCOS
IN THE SUPER BOWL.

I APPRECIATE THE OFFER, MIKE,
BUT I'M THE FATHER.

THE FATHER TAKES CARE OF THE
KIDS, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

LOOK, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
TAKING CARE OF YOU, DAD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE BUSINESS.

REMEMBER,
I'M THE MARKETING GUY.

AND I DON'T THINK CUSTOMERS
ARE GONNA TAKE TOO KINDLY

TO STEPPING OVER
SOME OLD DUDE

GETTING CPR OUT FRONT
FROM A CAT.

FINE.

THIS LARABEE GUY --
HE KNOW HIS STUFF?

I TRUST HIM
WITH YOUR LIFE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

LET'S SEE HOW HE DOES
WITH YOURS FIRST.

HEY.

HEY, BABE.
WHERE -- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I HAVE A LITTLE GIFT
FOR YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW, I ALSO WENT
TO THAT NEW GREEK PLACE,

AND I GOT MYSELF
A DELICIOUS KABOB.

SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'VE HAD A BIG DAY.

AND I ALSO HIRED CHUCK TO REDO
OUR HOME-SECURITY SYSTEM,

COMPLETELY UNILATERALLY --
NO DISCUSSION WITH YOU.

SOUNDS OKAY.

NO, NO, 'CAUSE THE POINT IS,
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS HAVE YOUR WAY.

SOMETIMES I HAVE A WAY,
AND IT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD WAY.

COME ON.
I'M VERY EASYGOING.
OH, NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

ASK THE GIRLS.
I DID.

I ASKED THE GIRLS, AND YOU'RE
NOT THE EASYGOING ONE.

I'M THE EASYGOING ONE.

OKAY, FINE.
LET'S HAVE IT YOUR WAY AGAIN.

TELL YOU WHAT, GIVE ME THE MAT.
I'LL TAKE IT OUT FRONT.

HUH? W--

N--
YEAH.

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, YOU --
YEAH, I'LL TAKE IT OUT --

I'LL TAKE IT OUT --
NO, YOU DON'T GET
TO TURN THIS AROUND.

NO, 'CAUSE -- 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT
THE EASYGOING ONE.

I'M -- I'M
THE EASYGOING ONE.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT OUT --
AND NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS MAT.
I'M KEEPING YOUR MAT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONCE AGAIN,
YOU GET YOUR WAY.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU'RE GONNA DIE FIRST.