Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Back to School - full transcript

"LAST MAN STANDING" IS RECORDED

IN FRONT
OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

Mike: HEY, BABE.
HEY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH, NOTHING. I'M JUST --

I'M JUST RIGHT ON THAT
LATE-AFTERNOON FENCE.

DO I HAVE ANOTHER
CUP OF COFFEE

OR JUST SAY, "SCREW IT," AND
POUR MY FIRST GLASS OF WINE?

TOUGH ONE.

WELL, WHICH WAY
DO YOU LOVE ME MORE --

A LITTLE JITTERY
AND CHATTY

OR PASSED OUT AND DROOLING
BY 8:30?



I LOVE YOU BOTH WAYS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HOW WAS WORK?

BUSTING OUR HUMP.

SEASONAL CHANGEOVER.
BOOGIE BOARDS TO SNOWBOARDS.

HMM.

THANK GOD
FOR THE YEAR-ROUND APPEAL

OF RIFLES AND AMMUNITION.

SO, WHAT DO WE GOT
GOING ON OVER HERE?

OH, I'M JUST HEATING UP
SOME SpaghettiOs.

MY GRANDSON'S HERE?

[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT AM I DOING
TALKING TO YOU?

DEFINITELY
THE RIGHT CALL.

WHERE'S MY GRANDSON?
HEY, BLANCA.



COME ON. I KNOW YOU'RE
AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE!

GRANDPA!
I HEAR HIM!

GET OVER HERE!
COME HERE, YOU.

OH, BOY. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN SO LONG.

MWAH, MWAH.
YOU'VE CHANGED SO MUCH.

ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

[ LAUGHS ]

WE GOT SO MUCH
TO CATCH UP ON.

iHOLA, ABUELITO!
¿CóMO ESTáS USTED?

WOW.
YOU -- YOU HAVE CHANGED.

YOU'VE TURNED INTO A HANDSOME
LITTLE MEXICAN BOY.

THANKS FOR TEACHING HIM
SOME SPANISH.

I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON IT, TOO.

MR. MIKE,
I ONLY SPEAK ENGLISH WITH BOYD.

AND BELIEVE ME,
HIS ENGLISH -- NOT SO GOOD.

BOYD IS LEARNING SPANISH
AT HIS NEW SCHOOL.

AND I WILL SAY, WITH THAT,
THEY ARE DOING A VERY GOOD JOB.

WHY ARE THEY TEACHING THEM
SPANISH IN THE 1st GRADE?

WELL, HONEY,
IT'S A BILINGUAL SCHOOL.

THE TEACHER SAYS EVERYTHING
IN ENGLISH

AND THEN SAYS IT AGAIN
IN SPANISH.

SO YOU WORK TWICE AS HARD
TO LEARN HALF AS MUCH?

OR THEY ARE LEARNING
TWICE AS MUCH

BECAUSE THEY'RE LEARNING
ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

HOW DO THEY EVEN UNDERSTAND
"TWICE AS MUCH"?

THERE'S NO TIME FOR MATH.

THAT'S JUST HOW THEY HAVE TO
DO IT AT WILSON ELEMENTARY.

"WOODROW WILSON."

OH, WOODROW WILSON.
HE WON THE FIRST WORLD WAR.

HE WAS A GREAT PRESIDENT.

MY CITIZENSHIP TEST
IS COMING UP.

Mike: WOODROW WILSON
WAS NOT A GREAT PRESIDENT.

RONALD REAGAN
WAS A GREAT PRESIDENT.

IN WOODROW WILSON'S LAST TERM,
HE WAS PRACTICALLY BRAIN-DEAD.

HIS WIFE RAN THE COUNTRY.

OHH.
JUST LIKE RONALD REAGAN.

OH, HEY! HEY! HEY!

HE TOOK DOWN COMMUNISM!

HE DESERVED A NAP AT THE END.

HEY.
HEY.

iHOLA, MAMá Y PAPá!

HEY, SWEETIE.

¿CóMO ESTá, MIJO?

MUY BIEN. GRACIAS.

WELL, BIG SURPRISE.

LOOK WHO LIKES BILINGUAL
EDUCATION -- CLICHé GUEVARA.

I LOVE THAT BOYD
IS LEARNING SPANISH,

BUT I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED
ABOUT THE CLASS SIZES AT WILSON.

NO, IT'S NOT THE QUANTITY
OF THE KIDS.

IT'S THE QUALITY
OF THE TEACHERS.

SPOKEN LIKE A POSTER
IN A TERRIBLE SCHOOL.

IT'S NOT A TERRIBLE SCHOOL,
OKAY?

YES, OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS ITS CHALLENGES,

BUT THE SCHOOL HAS FENCES
AND METAL DETECTORS.

AND THERE'S A TREE NOW.

ALCATRAZ HAD A BEACH.
DIDN'T MAKE IT A NICE RESORT.

DID YOU GUYS EVER CONSIDER
SENDING HIM TO A CHARTER SCHOOL?

NO.
IF WHITE
MIDDLE-CLASS FAMILIES

PULL THEIR KIDS
OUT OF URBAN SCHOOLS,

THOSE SCHOOLS
ARE JUST GONNA GET WORSE.

HOW CUTE.
YOU THINK YOU'RE MIDDLE-CLASS.

WE ARE VERY HAPPY
WITH WILSON.

REALLY?

MAYBE I SHOULD TEACH BOYD

HOW TO FASHION A SHIV
OUT OF A LUNCH TRAY.

DAD. WHAT ARE -- DO NOT PUT
THOSE THOUGHTS IN HIS HEAD.

COME ON, BUDDY.
LET'S GRAB YOUR STUFF.

COME ON. OKAY.
[ CLAPS ]

I DO NOT WANT YOU
GIVING BOYD THE IDEA

THAT HE IS UNSAFE
AROUND OTHER CULTURES, OKAY?

WE WANT TO RAISE HIM
WITH AN OPEN HEART.

IF HE TAKES
THAT SHIV TRAINING SERIOUSLY,

THE OPEN HEART WILL BE
THE OTHER KID'S PROBLEM.

UNBELIEVABLE.

RYAN! BOYD!
WE GOT TO GO!

HEY, GUYS.
HEY.

Vanessa: OH, HEY, HONEY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

IT WAS GREAT, MRS. B.

SEE YOU TOMORROW,
MANDY.

YOU GUYS!
I'M LOVING COLLEGE!

IT'S LIKE I'M SEEING THE WORLD
FOR THE FIRST TIME,

LIKE A NEWBORN.

HAVE YOU NOTICED? SHE STILL
HAS THAT SOFT SPOT ON HER HEAD.

OH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WERE SUCH A CUTE BABY.
Mike: YEAH.

AND NOW YOU'RE
MY BIG COLLEGE GIRL.

OH, DON'T WORRY.

THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF
NAKED PHOTOS FROM BOTH ERAS.

[ EXHALES SLOWLY ]

HEY, YOU GUYS.
CHECK THIS OUT.

"COGITO, ERGO SUM" --
I THINK, THEREFORE I AM.

RENé DESCARTES.

SHE WAS AWESOME!

WE LEARNED ABOUT HER
IN PHILOSOPHY TODAY.

SHE WAS FRENCH,
SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW

WHY SHE WAS
SPEAKING ITALIAN.

[ LAUGHS ]

UH...

OH, BOY.
MONEY WELL SPENT.

I THINK RENé DESCARTES
WAS A MONSIEUR.

OH, WOW.

A PHILOSOPHER
THAT GIVES MASSAGES.

COOL. THAT'S A REAL
RENAISSANCE WOMAN.

HE WAS A MAN!

25 GRAND SO SHE CAN FIGURE OUT
WHETHER SHE EXISTS OR NOT.

OH. COME ON.
PHILOSOPHY IS FUN.

YOU STUDIED IT
IN COLLEGE.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M AN EXPERT
ON HOW USELESS IT IS.

LOOK, I AM JUST SO HAPPY

THAT MANDY IS SHOWING
ANY INTEREST AT ALL IN SCHOOL.

SO, PLEASE,
DO NOT DISCOURAGE HER.

I'M NOT GONNA
DISCOURAGE HER.
OKAY.

SHE CAN MAJOR IN PHILOSOPHY
IF SHE WANTS.

AND...

HER STRIPPER NAME
COULD BE SOCRA-TEASE.

-- Captions by VITAC --

***

OKAY.
31st PRESIDENT?

UH, HERBERT HOOVER.

WOW. THAT'S IMPRESSIVE,
BLANCA.

SURE. SHE REMEMBERS THE ONE
NAMED AFTER A VACUUM CLEANER.

MIKE, COME ON.
THAT'S OFFENSIVE.

AND NUMBER 32?

THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL --
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.

HE LED THE ALLIES
IN WORLD WAR II

AND ENDED
THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

ALL WHILE CHASING
THE LADIES.

HE STEPPED OUT
ON ELEANOR --

WELL, TECHNICALLY...
ROLLED OUT.

WOW.

SHE SHOULD HAVE WORKED HARDER
TO KEEP HER MAN HAPPY.

YOU KNOW, THAT IS
A WOMAN'S JOB, EVE. iVAMOS!

THAT'S ONE OF THE MANY THINGS
I LOVE

ABOUT THE LATINO CULTURE.

WELL, LET'S HOPE BOYD DOESN'T
PICK THAT UP AT HIS NEW SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, WE PAY TAXES
FOR A GREAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

RIGHT IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHY DOESN'T HE GO THERE?

YOU REALLY THINK
WILSON'S THAT BAD, MIKE?

GO ONLINE.
CHECK IT OUT.

THE ONLY THING WILSON
TESTS HIGH IN -- LEAD.

HE COULD USE OUR ADDRESS
A-AND GO TO CLARK.

OF COURSE HE COULD
USE OUR ADDRESS.

YEAH.
I MEAN, HE DOES STILL
HAVE A BEDROOM HERE.

HE COULD STAY HERE
A COUPLE NIGHTS A WEEK.

THAT WOULD --
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

I MEAN, I --
YOU WOULD LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
AS LONG AS WE'RE DOING THIS

BECAUSE IT'S IN BOYD'S
BEST INTERESTS...
YEAH, OF COURSE.

...AND WE ARE NOT
JUST CLINGY GRANDPARENTS

TRYING TO HANG ON.

YOU THINK
I'M A CLINGY GRANDPARENT?

WELL, HONEY, YOU KNOW,
Y-YOU'RE STILL HANGING ON

TO THIS CRACKED SIPPY CUP.

I MEAN,
BOYD HASN'T USED IT IN AGES.

I -- I DON'T --
I'M NOT HANGING ON TO IT.

THROW IT OUT
IF YOU WANT.

ALL RIGHT. FINE.

NOT HANGING ON
TO OLD SIPPY CUPS.

IT'S CRACKED ANYWAY,
RIGHT?

NOT HANGING ON
TO THAT STUPID THING.

HATE TO BE
A CLINGY GRANDPA.

DON'T WANT TO WASTE STUFF,
THOUGH.

I COULD -- I COULD FIX THAT.

HELLO, FRIENDS.
HOLA, AMIGOS.

MIKE BAXTER HERE
FOR OUTDOOR MAN.

MIGUEL BAXTER AQUí PARA
EL HOMBRE DE LAS MONTAÑAS.

IT'S ALREADY ANNOYING,
ISN'T IT?!

IMAGINE SEVEN STRAIGHT HOURS
OF THAT,

AND YOU'LL GET AN IDEA
OF WHAT IT'S LIKE

IN SOME PUBLIC SCHOOLS

RIGHT HERE
IN THE GOOD OLD U.S.A.

PLEASE NO CARDS AND LETTERS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I AM ALL FOR IMMIGRATION.

IT'S WHAT MADE THIS COUNTRY
GREAT.

IMMIGRATION AND...

ASSIMILATION.

BUT THE MELTING POT WON'T WORK

IF THE GOVERNMENT MAKES IT EASY
NOT TO MELT.

LET ME STIR THE POT A LITTLE.

AHH, RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S A LITTLE
GERMAN SAUSAGE.
JAWOHL!

GOT ITALIAN CHEESES.

"GRAZIE!" "PREGO!"
[ CHUCKLES ]

SWEDISH MEATBALLS...

AND OKRA FROM WEST AFRICA.

YUM, YUM.
THEY'VE ALL BLENDED NICELY.

BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS TASTY GUMBO COULD USE,

IS [SNIFFS] CILANTRO.

HMM.

UNFORTUNATELY,
WITH THE HELP OF BILINGUALISM,

THE CILANTRO IS ALL CLUMPING
TOGETHER RIGHT OVER THERE.

THAT'S NO BUENO FOR THE GUMBO,

NO BUENO FOR THE CILANTRO,

AND NO BUENO FOR OUR COUNTRY.

SO LET'S STOP MAKING IT HARDER

FOR NEW CULTURES TO MIX
INTO OUR AMERICAN STEW.

MMM!
[ SLURPS ]

IT TASTES LIKE FREEDOM.

GOD, IT'S HOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TAKE A BREAK, GUYS.

I'M WITH YOU, MIKE.

I THINK THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD
KEEP ITS NOSE OUT OF OUR SOUPS.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT, MAN.
THIS IS --

YOU'RE THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.
YEP.

YOU IMMIGRATED HERE FROM SPAIN,
MADE A BIG BUSINESS.
MM-HMM.

YOU ARE WHAT MAKES
THIS COUNTRY GREAT.
OH, COME ON, MIKE.

YOU KNOW ASSIMILATION TAKES
TIME -- A GENERATION OR TWO.
YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT.

I MEAN,
GERMANS FRESH OFF THE BOAT

STILL SPOKE GERMAN
IN THE HOME.

YEAH, BUT I THINK THE GERMANS
SOMEWHERE IN THEIR MINDS

THOUGHT ONE DAY WE'D, UH,
ALL BE "SPEAKING GERMAN."

I THINK IT'S BETTER
FOR THE MELTING POT

WHEN IMMIGRANTS PRESERVE
ELEMENTS OF THEIR CULTURE.

I GOT IT. W-WHEN YOUR FOLKS
GOT HERE FROM SPAIN,

WHAT ELEMENTS OF THEIR CULTURE
DID THEY PRESERVE?

THEIR HATRED
OF THE PORTUGUESE.

COME ON, PEOPLE.
LOOK SHARP HERE.

WHO LEFT THE BACKPACK HERE?
WE DO B--

HA! GOTCHA, MIKE!
WHOA. HEY, HEY!

HEY, MAN!

HI, MIKE.
YOU DOING ALL RIGHT, MAN?

I'M DOING GOOD, YEAH. WHAT,
THE HOMELESS SHELTER SHUT DOWN?

NOW, LOOK, IF YOU WAS
A 10-POINT BUCK,

WE'D BE FIELD DRESSING YOU
RIGHT NOW.

UH, ACTUALLY, I'VE HUNTED
WITH YOU GUYS BEFORE.

YOU'D HAVE TO GET A LOT CLOSER
THAN THIS TO A DEER TO KILL IT.

HA!
MAYBE.

'CAUSE DEER ARE SMART
AND THEY MOVE FAST.

YOU? I'D HAVE YOU ON THE HOOD
OF MY TRUCK, SON.

SO, UH, DEER SEASON.

I GUESS YOU GUYS
ARE READY FOR THAT?

LET'S GO.
WE WANT TO GET GEARED UP.

ALL RIGHT. KYLE!

YOU REMEMBER THESE BOYS.
YEAH!

HOW COULD I FORGET
OUR TWO BEST CUSTOMERS?

AND WHO COULD FORGET...

KYLE?

YOU KNOW, I JUST SAID HIS NAME
THREE SECONDS AGO.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU GUYS

SINCE YOU TOOK ME HUNTING
FOR JACKASS-ALOPE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ONE.

OH, WE SAW ONE.

ANYWAYS, I WANT YOU
TO OUTFIT THESE GUYS,

GET 'EM ALL READY FOR THAT
MAN-vs.-NATURE BATTLE.

NOW, LOOK HERE. WE DON'T WANT
NATURE TO HAVE A CHANCE.

RIGHT.
RIGHT.

I SEE YOU GUYS ALREADY GOT
YOUR SWEET HUNTING CAMO.

HUNTING CAMO?
THIS IS MY SUNDAY BEST.

YEAH, WE JUST CAME
FROM CHURCH.

OH.

[ LAUGHS ]
WE'RE JUST JOKING WITH YOU.
YEAH.

YOU STILL DATING
BAXTER'S DAUGHTER?

SURE AM.
MANDY'S IN COLLEGE NOW.

SHE'S BEEN TELLING ME
ABOUT PHILOSOPHY.

IT'S REALLY
OPENED MY MIND.

THEN ALL THE BUTTERFLIES
FLEW OUT.

MY PHILOSOPHY IS,
"HEY, IF IT AIN'T BROKE,

HEY, YOU GOT HOSED
BUYING THE WARRANTY."

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I'M GONNA NEED SOME THERMALS,

'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE
IN THE WOODS FOR A WEEK,

AND I AIN'T SPOONING
WITH THIS CAT.

WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE,
JUST REMEMBER --

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING
INTO THE ABYSS,

THE ABYSS ALSO LOOKS
INTO YOU.

YEP. I'M LOOKING INTO AN ABYSS
RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT BETWEEN
YOUR EARS.

YOU JUST QUOTED
NIETZSCHE?

NO. MANDY.

HMM.
HEY, BAXTER,

CAN WE GET SOMEBODY BESIDES
LADYBEARD HERE TO HELP US?

HEY, BABE.
HEY.

DID YOU GET BOYD TO SCHOOL
ON TIME?

YEP. WE WERE EARLY.
HE EVEN GOT A DESK.

OH, NICE HUSTLE, HONEY.
MM.

SO, UH,
MY DAD'S COMING OVER.

HERE?

YEAH.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
HE WANTS?

I IMAGINE THAT WILL COME UP
WHEN HE GETS HERE.

WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?!

ADORABLE, BUT [CHUCKLES]
WHY DO YOU CARE?

IT'S THE FIRST TIME HIM VISITING
SINCE WE MOVED IN.

IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD,
HIM JUST SHOWING UP.

YOU KNOW, I-I MEAN, WHAT'S
HIS GAME? WHAT'S HIS ANGLE?

F-FRIENDLINESS?

OH, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT IS HIS ANGLE?

OKAY, WELL,
WHATEVER HE THROWS AT US,

WE NEED TO MAINTAIN
A UNITED FRONT.

OKAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
GREAT.

THAT MEANS
HE'LL KILL ME FIRST.

HEY!

Kristin: HEY.

A LITTLE
HOUSEWARMING GIFT.

[ CHUCKLES ]
HEY.

HEY. THANKS, DAD.

FELT A LITTLE WEIRD
CARRYING A BOTTLE OF WINE

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT
BEING SPRAWLED ON THE SIDEWALK.

WELCOME, MIKE.
MI CASA ES SU CASA.

GREAT.

ANYHOW, LISTEN.

SPEAKING OF SU CASA,
UH, YOUR MOM AND I WOULD LIKE

TO OFFER YOU OUR CASA --
OR AT LEAST THE ADDRESS --

IN CASE
YOU WANT TO SEND BOYD

TO THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

[ SIGHS ]

YOU MEAN LIE
TO THE SCHOOL DISTRICT?

[ SCOFFS ] WELL, IT'S NOT
EXACTLY THE LUFTHANSA HEIST.

PEOPLE DO THIS
ALL THE TIME.

AND BESIDES, I THINK...

YOUR MOM MIGHT LIKE TO HAVE BOYD
A COUPLE NIGHTS A WEEK.

OH, IT WOULD MAKE
MOM HAPPY, HUH?

SHE'D LOVE IT.
SHE REALLY WOULD.
YEAH, OKAY, DAD,

RYAN AND I LIKE
BOYD GOING TO WILSON

BECAUSE
IT'S MULTICULTURAL.

[ SCOFFS ]
IT'S ONLY MULTICULTURAL NOW

BECAUSE
BOYD IS GOING THERE.

THIS IS NOT
UP FOR DEBATE.

RYAN AND I ARE COMPLETELY
TOGETHER ON THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA DEBATE.
L-LISTEN. LISTEN. I JUST --

WE WANT TO BE A PART
OF THE SOLUTION AT WILSON,

NOT A PART OF THE PROBLEM,
RIGHT, RYAN?

WAIT. WE COULD --
WE COULD DO THAT?

WE COULD USE YOUR ADDRESS?
YEAH.

BUT WE DON'T WANT TO BECAUSE
WE'RE HAPPY WITH OUR SCHOOL.

WELL, WE KIND OF
HAD TO BE HAPPY

BECAUSE THAT WAS
OUR ONLY OPTION, KRIS.

SHOULD WE HAVE GONE OVER THE
DEFINITION OF "UNITED FRONT"?

HONEY, FACE IT.

WILSON IS OVERCROWDED,
AND THE FACULTY IS OVERWHELMED.

I MEAN, AT MY FIRST P.T.A.
MEETING, I WAS THE ONLY "P."

SO YOU WERE ALL ALONE
WITH JUST "T" AND "A"?

COME ON.
LET'S BE REAL.

H-HE SHOULD
BE ABLE TO GO TO A SCHOOL

WHERE HE CAN HAVE A DESK
EVERY DAY

AND 6th GRADERS DON'T STEAL
YOUR LUNCH MONEY.

BOYD WAS ROBBED?

NO. ME.

BUT THESE GIRLS
WERE REALLY AGGRESSIVE.

BUT, RYAN, WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO "IT TAKES A VILLAGE"?

IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE.

I JUST THINK THAT
WHEN IT COMES TO OUR SON,

I'D PREFER TO BE
IN YOUR DAD'S VILLAGE.

WE REALLY HAVE
A GREAT VILLAGE,

ALTHOUGH YOU GOT TO LOOK PRETTY
HARD TO FIND A GOOD BUM FIGHT.

OH, OH,
SO PEOPLE IN OTHER VILLAGES

AREN'T AS GOOD AS THE PEOPLE
IN YOUR VILLAGE?

THEY JUST DON'T BUILD
AS GOOD OF SCHOOLS.
SEE?

THIS IS WHY I MOVED BOYD
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,

SO THAT HE WOULDN'T
HAVE TO GROW UP

LISTENING TO TOXIC IDEAS
LIKE THAT ONE.

WELL, IT'S YOUR CALL.

I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT
FOR BOYD.
NO, NO, NO.

YOU WERE JUST LOOKING OUT
FOR YOURSELF, DAD.

OKAY, THIS ISN'T ABOUT CLARK
AND WILSON.

THIS IS ABOUT YOU WANTING BOYD
AROUND YOUR HOUSE MORE.

TUCKED THAT KID IN
FOR FIVE YEARS.

MAYBE I'M HAVING A TOUGH TIME
LETTING THAT GO.

[ SCOFFS ] I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU JUST GANGED UP ON ME

IN FRONT OF MY DAD LIKE THAT!
AW, COME ON, KRIS.

YOU WOULD JUMP AT THE IDEA
OF SWITCHING SCHOOLS

IF IT CAME FROM ANYBODY
BUT YOUR FATHER.

THAT IS NOT TRUE!

NO, THAT IS TRUE.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT CLARK
IS A BETTER SCHOOL,

AND YOU'RE JUST DISAGREEING
WITH YOUR DAD

JUST TO DISAGREE
WITH HIM.

I MEAN, HE SAYS, "UP,"
AND YOU SAY, "DOWN."

YOU GO AGAINST HIM
JUST TO DRIVE HIM CRAZY

EVEN WHEN HE'S RIGHT.

WAIT.

THAT'S NOT THE REASON
YOU'RE WITH ME, IS IT?

I KICKED A HORNET'S NEST
BY JUST SUGGESTING

THAT BOYD ATTEND
ANOTHER ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

WELL,
IF THERE'S ONE THING

THAT MOTHERS HAVE
A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR,

IT'S UNWANTED TIPS
ABOUT THEIR PARENTING.

SHE CALLED
MY INVOLVEMENT TOXIC.

WELL, OF COURSE IT IS.

YOU'VE BEEN
A TERRIBLE FATHER --

FOOD, SHELTER,
BALLET LESSONS.

I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS
ON YOU.

HEY, BOYS. WELCOME BACK.
YOU A MY BEST CUSTOMERS.

WELL, THIS TIME,
WE ARE GONNA GET A DEER.

OKAY, IF YOU SCATTER SHOTS
ACTUALLY BAG A BUCK,

I WILL COOK YOU MY WORLD-FAMOUS
CHICKEN-FRIED VENISON.

IT'S ONLY WORLD-FAMOUS 'CAUSE
YOU WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

HEY. WHAT'S WITH LADYBEARD
OVER HERE?

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

BEEN IN THAT BOAT
A COUPLE HOURS.

MY DAUGHTER
BROKE HIS BRAIN.

WELL, IN ALL FAIRNESS,

I THINK IT COME FROM THE FACTORY
A LITTLE WONKY.

I THINK
WE CAN TALK TO HIM.

WE'RE PRETTY GOOD
AT COAXING NERVOUS CRITTERS

OUT OF THEIR DENS.

AND THEN
WE SHOOT 'EM.

LET'S SKIP THAT STEP.

MIKE, I CAN'T PROMISE
THE INSTINCT WON'T KICK IN.

KYLE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

EXACTLY.
WHAT ARE ANY OF US DOING?

I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT
ALL THIS PHILOSOPHY STUFF.

LIFE IS MEANINGLESS
AND AN EMPTY VOID OF DESPAIR.

THIS KID
IS A MAJOR BUMMER.

KYLE -- KYLE, COME ON.
YOU'RE ONLY 22.

THINGS ARE GONNA GET
A LOT WORSE.

KYLE, LOOK,
BEFORE BAXTER'S DAUGHTER

SHORTED
ALL YOUR WIRES OUT,

WHAT GAVE YOUR LIFE
MEANING?

I DON'T KNOW. I-I GUESS
I ALWAYS FOUND MEANING

IN WHAT I LEARNED
AT SUNDAY SCHOOL.

THAT'S IT.

LIKE MARK 12:31 --

"LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR
AS YOURSELF."

YEAH,
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

THAT MARK HAD BETTER
NEIGHBORS THAN ME.

I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR.

HEY, YOU'RE MAKING
MY POINT.

STICK WITH
THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS,

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE
ANOTHER DAY OF YOUR LIFE

THAT WON'T HAVE PURPOSE.

YEAH.

JESUS IS PRETTY AWESOME.
OH, YEAH.

YOU TAKE A CUE FROM
THE GREATEST PHILOSOPHER

THAT EVER WALKED
THE EARTH.

MY APOLOGIES TO...
NEWT GINGRICH.

THANKS, GUYS.

I'M BACK, MR. B.

GOOD.
BECAUSE YOU OWE ME TWO HOURS.

YOU GOT IT.

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS
THROUGH HIM WHO STRENGTHENS ME."

PHILIPPIANS 4:13.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GO WEIRD ON ME
AGAIN, YOU'RE FIRED!

MIKE BAXTER, 12:25.

OOH.
OH.

HI, DAD.
UH, I STILL HAVE MY KEY.

SHOULD I HAVE RUNG THE DOORBELL?
JUST SEEMS KIND OF WEIRD.

KRIS, THIS IS ALWAYS GONNA
BE YOUR HOUSE, ALL RIGHT?

EVEN THOUGH I'VE GOT A FOOSBALL
TABLE WHERE YOUR BED USED TO BE.

SO, DAD,
UH, RYAN AND I TALKED,

AND WE SIGNED BOYD UP
FOR CLARK TODAY.

SO...YOU WON.

BOYD'S THE WINNER HERE.

AND SO AM I.

DAD,
ABOUT THIS MORNING,

I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE CALLED YOU TOXIC.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE?

I JUST SHOULDN'T
HAVE SAID IT.

YES, YOU HAVE YOUR THINGS
YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT

THAT I THINK ARE INSANE.

YOU KNOW, FUNNY. THIS
STARTED OFF SOUNDING LIKE
IT WAS GONNA BE AN APOLOGY.

AND SOMETIMES YOU SAY THINGS
IN FRONT OF BOYD

THAT -- THAT MAKE
MY SKIN CRAWL.

BOY, STILL NOT
THE APOLOGY WORDS.

BUT YOU CAN ALSO
BE AMAZINGLY GREAT.

THAT'S ALL PART OF THE PACKAGE
OF MIKE BAXTER,

A PACKAGE I DEFINITELY WANT
IN BOYD'S LIFE.

SO...

I'M SORRY.

THERE IT IS.

AND DON'T WORRY
ABOUT CALLING ME TOXIC.

YOUR MOM CALLS ME TOXIC
ALL THE TIME.

OF COURSE,
WE SHARE A BATHROOM.

HEY, HONEY.
OH, HEY.
OOH, I ALMOST FORGOT.

I GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU GUYS.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

IT IS A GIFT CERTIFICATE
TO TOY WORLD.

[ GASPS, CHUCKLES ]

UH, WOW. I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO SNEAK INTO THAT PLACE.

I -- [ LAUGHS ]

OH! NO!
NOT THAT TOY WORLD!

MOM!

I-I THOUGHT THAT YOU GUYS
COULD GO WITH BOYD

TO PICK SOMETHING OUT...
OH.

...SINCE HE'S GONNA
BE SPENDING MORE TIME HERE

BEFORE AND AFTER SCHOOL.

OH, YAY!
OH, GOOD! GOOD!

GOOD!

HE LOVES "GO, DIEGO, GO!"

OF COURSE HE DOES.

NOW THAT DIEGO'S HERE...

HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

HMM. HMM.
HI, BLANCA.

WELCOME HOME, MR. MIKE.
I HAVE YOUR FAVORITE --

A FROSTED MUG
AND SPICED NUTS ON THE TRAY.

THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, WHEN AN AMERICAN WOMAN
SERVES YOUR NUTS ON A TRAY,

IT MEANS SOMETHING
TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

HA! BUT, MR. MIKE, AN AMERICAN
WOMAN DID SERVE NUTS TO YOU.

NO WAY!
MM-HMM!

OH, CONGRATULATIONS!

OH, THANK YOU!
OHH!

WOW!
THAT IS SUCH GOOD NEWS!

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE --
I MEAN, TO REALLY BE HERE.

NOW YOU'RE PART
OF THE CLUB!
MM-HMM.

CONFIDENTIALLY...
HMM?

...AT THE ALAMO,
WE WEREN'T REALLY TRYING.

SHAKE A LEG THERE, BAXTER.
WE'RE HUNGRY.

YEAH, DAD. THIS CHICKEN-FRIED
BUCK DIED A HERO.

LET'S EAT HIM
WHILE HE'S STILL WARM.

WOW. THAT ACTUALLY SMELLS
REALLY GOOD.

JUST PRETEND
IT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE.

YOU'RE ON A ROLL
ABANDONING YOUR PRINCIPLES.

ANY COMFORT TO YOU --
HE DIDN'T HAVE A FACE LONG.

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP.
UM, BEFORE WE GET STARTED,

I JUST WANT TO SAY
WHETHER YOU'VE BEEN IN AMERICA

FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS
LIKE YOUR FAMILIES

OR AN AMERICAN
FOR JUST TWO DAYS,

I FEEL BLESSED TO BE SHARING
THIS COUNTRY WITH ALL OF YOU.

WANT TO DO THE HONORS?
SURE.

LET US PRAY.

LORD, OUR GOD IS ONE GOD.

WE PRAY THAT WE LOVE YOU

WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, SOUL,
MIND, AND STRENGTH.

WE PRAY THAT WE LOVE
OUR NEIGHBOR AS OURSELF,

AND THERE'S NO GREATER
COMMANDMENT THAN THIS.

AMEN.
All: AMEN.

ALL RIGHT.

Vanessa: OKAY. OH, MY.
OKAY. DIG IN.