Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Driving Lessons - full transcript

Although Mike is having a great time teaching Eve how to drive, he thinks Vanessa should take over so she can have a chance to bond with her daughter.

ALL RIGHT, QUICK REVIEW.
YELLOW LIGHT MEANS?

FLOOR IT.

STOP SIGN?
LOOK BOTH WAYS FOR JOHNNY LAW,
THEN FLOOR IT.

YIELD SIGN MEANS?

NOTHING TO A BAXTER.

[ CHUCKLES ]
LET'S STOP RIGHT HERE.

WE'RE GONNA GO OVER
YOUR PARKING TECHNIQUE.

THE THIRD SPOT
FROM THE END DOWN THERE

IS THE LAST PARKING SPOT
YOU GOT,

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO BEAT
A TREE HUGGER IN A HYBRID.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL



'CAUSE YOU CAN'T HEAR
THOSE THINGS COMING.

JUST SIT TIGHT AND SUCK IN
THE G-FORCES, OLD MAN.

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

[ GROANS ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

WHOO.
OKAY,
A COUPLE OF THINGS.

I SHOULD HAVE WORN
A DIAPER TODAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND WHERE DID YOU LEARN
HOW TO DO THAT?

I'VE HAD THE WORLD'S
BEST DRIVING INSTRUCTOR...

..."GRAND THEFT AUTO."

A VIDEO GAME.

YOU KNOW, IN MY DAY,
IF YOU WANTED TO JOYRIDE,

YOU HAD TO ACTUALLY
STEAL A CAR.



YEAH, YEAH. LIFE WAS ROUGH
BACK THEN AND SO MUCH BETTER.

CAN WE PLEASE GET OUT
ON THE OPEN ROAD?

CHECK THE REARVIEW MIRROR,
PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL CLEAR.

NO, THERE'S STILL
SOMETHING BACK THERE.

REALLY? WHAT?

YOUR CHILDHOOD.

NOW FLOOR IT.

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

-- Captions by VITAC --

"LAST MAN STANDING"
WAS RECORDED

IN FRONT
OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

I'VE GOT IT!
I'VE GOT IT!

SIT YOURSELF.

HEY.

NO, NONE OF THAT
MONKEY BUSINESS.

I GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE
BEFORE MY DAD SEES YOU.

WHY? YOUR DAD LOVES IT
WHEN I COME OVER.

BECAUSE HE LOVES
PUTTING YOU TO WORK --

CLEANING THE GUTTERS,
PULLING WEEDS,

SCRUBBING
THE GUEST BATHROOM.

IN FAIRNESS, KYLE DOES
MOST OF THE DAMAGE IN THERE.

HEY, KYLE. IS THAT YOU?

NO, KYLE'S NOT HERE.
RUN. RUN, RUN, RUN. RUN.

HEY, MR. B.
NICE RUNNING.

I BUSTED ONE OF THE MOTOR MOUNTS
IN THE TRUCK.

IT'S A TWO-MAN JOB, BUT WE CAN
MAKE DO WITH A MAN AND A HALF.

UH, KYLE AND I
ARE GOING TO THE MALL.

YOU'D RATHER
GO TO THE MALL WITH HER?

YOU'RE NOT HALF
THE HALF-MAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.

WELL, UH, MANDY, HONEY,
IF YOU WANT SOME COMPANY,

I'LL GO TO THE MALL
WITH YOU.

I MEAN,
I COULD USE A DAY OF BEAUTY.

A DAY?

OH, HA HA HA.

YEAH, I'M REPULSIVE,
BUT I'M THE BEST YOU COULD DO.

NO, REALLY,
I NEED TO GET TO THE SALON.

MY EYEBROWS ARE LIKE
TWO CATERPILLARS TRYING TO MATE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

COME ON, HONEY.
MY TREAT.

YEAH, BUT KYLE AND I
HAVE PLANS.

AND THEY DON'T
INVOLVE AN ENGINE.

UH, WELL, ACTUALLY,
THEY KIND OF DO.

THIS GUY BARRY
AT THE MALL

LETS ME CONDUCT
THE TODDLER TOWN CHOO-CHOO.

HE'S PRETTY COOL.

I'M NOT SURE
HE WORKS THERE, THOUGH.

THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND,
MANDY. COME ON. LET'S GO.

SORRY, MANDY.
MY HEART WANTS TO STAY.

BUT WHATEVER ORGAN CONTROLS FEAR
IS TELLING ME TO GO.

COME ON, HONEY.
YOU READY TO HIT THE SALON?

[ SIGHS ]

OR I COULD FIND A PAIR
OF TWEEZERS

AND GO PLUCK MYSELF.

WOW. THAT LOOKS HEAVY.

IT IS HEAVY.

I WANT YOU TO SLIDE UNDER
THE CAR SO IF THE CHAIN BREAKS,

THE MOTOR CAN LAND
ON SOMETHING SOFT.

RIGHT-O.

KYLE, I'M KIDDING.

I'M NOT GONNA DROP
THE ENGINE ON YOU.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
IS GRAB THE BATTERY POSTS

AND SEE
IF THERE'S A FULL CHARGE.

AAH!
LICK YOUR FINGERS.

HEY, GUYS.

OH, HEY, KRIS,
I'M SO GLAD YOU STOPPED BY.

YOU WON'T BE WHEN YOU HEAR
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

HAVE YOU SEEN
A GUINEA PIG?

OH, NO, I-I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO
TO THE FLEA MARKET.

YOUR NEW APARTMENT
NEEDS FURNITURE.

I'LL BUY YOU A COUCH
SOMEBODY'S GRANDMOTHER DIED ON.

ACTUALLY, I JUST CAME BY
TO GET BOYD'S BACKPACK.

[ SIGHS ] IF THERE'S NOT
A GUINEA PIG IN HERE,

I AM LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL
OF A VERY ROUGH HEART-TO-HEART.

OHH.

SHOOT. IT'S NOT THERE.

OH, NO SNICKERDOODLE,
HUH?

THAT THING COST 30 BUCKS.
OHH.

DO YOU THINK
BOYD WOULD NOTICE

IF THE NEW SNICKERDOODLE
WERE SMALLER?

AND A...FISH?

I LOVE YOU.
GOT TO GO.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

SO, UM...EVIE, HI.

UH, HOW'S IT -- HOW'S IT --
HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, THE BILLS ARE SUCKING IT.
BIG SURPRISE.

THEY HAVEN'T MADE THE PLAYOFFS
IN LIKE 10 YEARS.

[ SIGHS ]
GHOST OF SCOTT NORWOOD.

YEAH, WELL,
SCOTT NORWOOD. HUH.

DAMN HIM.
[ SCOFFS ]

WE -- WE SURE HATE
SCOTT NORWOOD, HUH?

HE WAS THE KICKER

WHO BLEW THE '91 SUPER BOWL
FOR THE BILLS.

HE'S SORT OF LIKE THE BUFFALO
VERSION OF BILL BUCKNER.

I MEAN, WHO NEEDS A BUFFALO
VERSION OF THAT GUY, HUH?

Mandy:
YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM?

LET'S YOU AND ME
GO TO THE MALL,

'CAUSE I AM SO FED UP
WITH KYLE!

OH, GREAT. GREAT.
I'LL GET MY, UH...

READY TO GO?
YES. BYE, MOM!

HI.

AM I SO HORRIBLE
THAT NOBODY IN MY FAMILY

WANTS TO HANG OUT
WITH ME?

PUT A LITTLE LIVERWURST
ON YOUR FINGERS.

THE DOG WILL BE
YOUR BEST FRIEND.

NO, I MEANT HUMANS.

YEAH?
EVEN AT WORK.

YESTERDAY I WAS TALKING
TO DR. PULLMAN

ABOUT OXIDIZING
VENTILATED AIR METHANE

WITH A THERMAL FLOW
REVERSAL REACTOR --

YEAH, LET ME GUESS
HOW THIS STORY ENDS.

SHE JUMPED OUT
HER OFFICE WINDOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GET IT. I GET IT.

GEOLOGY IS BORING.

YOU CAN'T PIN THIS
ON GEOLOGY.

IT'S HOW YOU TALK
ABOUT YOUR WORK.

LISTEN, YOU WERE TALKING
ABOUT TRAPPED GAS, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.
THAT SHOULD BE HYSTERICAL.

LISTEN,
TELL YOU WHAT.

LET ME CLEAN UP.
I'LL GET TO THIS LATER.

YOU AND I WILL GO OUT
AND DO SOMETHING TOGETHER.

YEAH, WE'LL DO
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH.

WE'RE NOT GOING
TO A MODERN-ART GALLERY.

ANYTHING ELSE.

I MEAN, WHAT, DO THEY LURE YOU
IN WITH ALL THAT FREE WINE?

MM-HMM.
AND YOU GOT TO DECIDE
WHICH IS THE REAL TOILET.

YEAH, YOU LAUGH.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SAY,
"NOT THAT ONE."

RIGHT.

I HEAR VANESSA MADE YOU
SIT THROUGH A FRENCH FILM.

WHAT WAS IT ABOUT?

IT WAS
ABOUT THREE HOURS.

AH.

A GUY IN A STRIPED SHIRT
SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING,

SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

WERE THE STRIPES VERTICAL
OR HORIZONTAL?

OH, UH, UH, VERTICAL.

AH,
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT ONE.

I WAS THINKING,
WHY IS VANESSA

CUTTING INTO YOUR "ME" TIME
ALL OF A SUDDEN?

WELL, SHE USUALLY DOES
GIRL STUFF ON THE WEEKENDS

WITH THE OLDER TWO, BUT KRIS
HAS GOT HER OWN APARTMENT,

MANDY'S IN COLLEGE.
I GOT IT. ALL RIGHT.

SO, YOU HAVE VANESSA
BEARING DOWN ON YOU,

YOU LOST YOUR TWO BEST BLOCKERS,
YOU'VE STILL GOT EVE.

OH, NO.
HMM?

VANESSA AND EVE REALLY
NEVER CLICKED, YOU KNOW?

THEY DON'T LIKE
THE SAME KIND OF THINGS.

OH.
EVE'S MORE LIKE YOU?

YOU BET SHE IS.
OH?

SHE ENJOYS DOING STUFF
THAT'S INTERESTING.

YESTERDAY,
SHE SLID THE TRUCK

INTO A TIGHT J-TURN
RIGHT INTO A 180.

DAMN!

IT WAS LIKE BEING
IN A SPRINGSTEEN SONG.

UH-HUH? WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, WHY --

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HAND
THAT OFF TO VANESSA?

THE DRIVING LESSONS.
LET THEM BOND OVER THAT.

BUT TEACHING EVE
HOW TO DRIVE IS FUN.

PUT HER
AND VANESSA TOGETHER

DOING SOMETHING
EVE ENJOYS DOING.

OTHERWISE, IT'LL BE
"AU REVOIR, BONS TEMPS."

"GOODBYE, GOOD TIMES."

THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THE NAME OF THAT MOVIE.

Mandy:
KYLE, I'M SERIOUS.

YOU'VE GOT TO
START SAYING NO TO MY DAD

WHEN HE ASKS YOU
TO WORK AROUND HERE.

OR JUST PRETEND
THAT YOU'RE INCOMPETENT, OKAY?

THAT'S ALWAYS WORKED
FOR ME.

YEAH,
BUT YOU'RE A NATURAL AT IT.

HEY, MORNING.

KYLE, IT SMELLS LIKE
SOMETHING DIED UNDER THE HOUSE.

GUESS WHO'S GONNA GO LOOK
FOR IT.

COME ON!

AND YOU CAN KEEP
WHATEVER YOU FIND.

KYLE, JUST SAY "NO."

OKAY.

YES.

I'M SORRY.
I HELD OUT AS LONG AS I COULD.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A HAMMER,
RIGHT?

THE DEAD ONE
PROBABLY HAD FRIENDS

THAT ARE COMING
TO HIS FUNERAL.

HEY. KYLE'S MINE.
GET YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND.

HEY, MANDY.
GOOD MORNING.

OKAY.
WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

I THINK
SHE'S MAD AT KYLE.

HE'S BEEN BLOWING HER OFF
A LOT LATELY.

WELL, HEY,
LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

I JUST WATCHED
"FAST & FURIOUS 6" LAST NIGHT,

AND I'M ALL GEEKED UP
TO TRY SOME NEW MOVES.

HEY,
A LITTLE CHANGE TODAY.

YOUR MOM'S GONNA TAKE YOU OUT
FOR YOUR LESSON.

HUH?

NO PHONES,
CHECK YOUR MIRROR,

AND REMEMBER
THE BRAKE IS YOUR BUDDY.

AM I BEING PUNISHED?

PUNISHED?
DIDN'T YOU HEAR YOUR MOTHER?

SHE'S GOT FUN SLOGANS.

SLOGANS?

HONEY, COME ON, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
A BLAST. LET'S GO. COME ON.

GO ON, NOW.

SEE HOW MANY SMILES
PER GALLON YOU CAN GET.

HEY, MIKE BAXTER HERE
WITH "PROTECT YOUR NUGGET" WEEK

HERE AT OUTDOOR MAN.

YOU KNOW, WE SELL HELMETS
FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING --

BIKING, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING,
KAYAKING.

WE'LL EVEN SELL YOU A HELMET
FOR FISHING.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]
THAT KNOCKED MY HAT OFF!

BUT WE DON'T SELL ANY PROTECTION

FOR THE SINGLE
MOST DANGEROUS THING WE DO --

SHARING THE ROAD
WITH THE AMERICAN TEENAGER --

THE RECKLESS, INEPT,
AND ACCIDENT-PRONE.

[ HORNS BLARES, TIRES SCREECH ]

BUT IN ALL FAIRNESS,
THEY ARE TEXTING.

THE PROBLEM IS,
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES,

WE BARELY TEACH KIDS
HOW TO DRIVE.

SO THE FIRST TIME
THEY HIT TROUBLE,

ALL THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IS SLAM
ON THE BRAKES AND DO THIS.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ WHIMPERS ]

"O-M-G."

WHEN ACTUALLY,
SOMETIMES THE SAFEST THING TO DO

IS APPLY A LITTLE ACCELERATOR
AND DRIVE THROUGH THE PROBLEM.

HERE WE GO.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ BELL DINGING ]

AH, DENMARK --
FAMOUS FOR THEIR GIANT DOGS

AND BREAKFAST PASTRIES.

AND GET THIS --

THE LOWEST AUTOMOBILE-INJURY
RATE IN THE WORLD.

WHY? DENMARK?

BECAUSE IN ORDER
TO GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE,

A TEENAGER IN DENMARK
HAS TO GO THROUGH

A GRUELING SERIES
OF ROAD TESTS --

CORNERING AT HIGH SPEEDS...

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

THERE YOU GO, SVEN. GOOD.

...SKID CONTROL ON ICY ROADS.

NOW, THOSE ARE SOME SKID MARKS
YOU CAN BE PROUD OF.

SO BEFORE YOU GIVE YOUR KID
THE KEYS TO THE CAR,

RACE ON DOWN TO OUTDOOR MAN
AND GET HIM A KAYAK.

MAYBE IT WILL KEEP HIM
OFF THE ROAD.

OR HE COULD PADDLE IT TO DENMARK
AND LEARN HOW TO DRIVE.

EVE, HONEY, LET'S ADJUST
YOUR GRIP ON THE WHEEL.

HANDS SHOULD BE
AT 10:00 AND 2:00.

THERE YOU GO.

BUT ISN'T IT JUST AS GOOD
TO HAVE ONE KNEE AT 6:00?

HONEY, KEEP YOUR HANDS ON
THE WHEEL AND WATCH YOUR SPEED.

RELAX, MOM,
YOU'RE IN GOOD KNEES.

HONEY.
[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, I KNOW YOUR FATHER TAUGHT
YOU ALL KINDS OF FUN TRICKS,

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO
PASS YOUR TEST.

DON'T WORRY, MOM.
I'LL PASS IT.

BUT FIRST,
I GOT TO PASS THIS...

[ HORN HONKS ]
...DUMBASS IN THIS R.V.!

I THINK THAT'S THE ORGANIST
FROM OUR CHURCH.

HEY, DRIVE IT OR PARK IT,
MRS. GAFFNEY!

HONEY, HONEY!
WATCH THE ROAD RAGE!

WELL, IT ISN'T ROAD RAGE
UNTIL YOU GET OUT OF THE CAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S IT.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING THIS
SERIOUSLY.

PULL OVER.
I'LL DRIVE US HOME.

COME ON.

OH. UH-OH. UH-OH.

I THINK MRS. GAFFNEY
IS PULLING OVER, TOO.

NOW IT'S ROAD RAGE.
[ STAMMERING ]

HEY, YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
LADY?!

I FOUND THE DEAD ANIMAL,
MR. B.

GOOD WORK, KYLE.

YEAH, I JUST HAD TO
WRESTLE IT AWAY

FROM THE ANIMAL
THAT KILLED IT.

YOU KNOW,
DESPITE THEIR CUTENESS,

RACCOONS
ARE KIND OF JERKS.

KYLE, I-I FEEL BAD ABOUT
SPRINGING ALL THESE JOBS ON YOU.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT.

SO FROM NOW ON, I'M GONNA BE
TELLING YOU AHEAD OF TIME.

TOMORROW,
WE'RE GONNA RESEAL THE DRIVEWAY.

AND BY "WE," I MEAN YOU.

I'LL JUST STOP BY
AND CRITIQUE YOUR JOB

DURING THE MIDDLE
OF THE DAY.

I DO LOVE
THE SMELL OF TAR.

GOOD DEAL.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO MANDY
THAT I GROW A SPINE

AND START SAYING "NO,"
SO...

NO?

HOLD ON.

MANDY WANTS YOU
TO SAY NO TO ME?

BOY, SHE DOESN'T GET US,
DOES SHE?

[ Laughing ] YEAH.

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE
I DO, EITHER.

YOU KNOW, KYLE,
IT IS IMPORTANT

THAT YOU LEARN
HOW TO SAY "NO."

I'M SO HAPPY
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

TO MANDY.

YOU GOT ME AGAIN,
SIR.

WHOA. STOP.

KYLE,
DID YOU JUST PROMISE MY DAD

THAT YOU'D DO SOME OTHER
STUPID CHORE FOR HIM TODAY?

NO, FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.

COME ON! KYLE.

OKAY.

MR. B., I-I CAN'T DO THIS STUFF
FOR YOU ANYMORE.

YES! I WIN!

AND YOUR REWARD, KYLE -- YOU GET
TO TAKE ME SHOE SHOPPING.

NOW,
I WANT TO GET A TRUE FIT,

SO I MIGHT ASK YOU TO CARRY ME
SO MY FEET DON'T SWELL.

WHOA, MANDY.
HEY, KYLE. KYLE, KYLE.

YOU START CARRYING HER
AROUND A SHOE STORE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET FITTED
FOR A SADDLE.

I HAVE TO START SAYING "NO"
TO BOTH OF YOU.

YOU'RE SAYING NO TO ME?

YES.
NO.

YES.

WE ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO, BUT NO MORE, OKAY?

TODAY, I WOULD LIKE
TO GO RIDE DIRT BIKES,

AND YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME
TO JOIN ME,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE
TWO DIRT BIKES.

CAN YOU BELIEVE
THE WAY HE JUST SPOKE TO ME?

YEAH,
THAT TOOK GUTS.

MY RESPECT
FOR THAT KID...

ACTUALLY,
I HAVE SOME NOW.

YEAH.

ME, TOO.
THAT WAS SUPER HOT.

KYLE, WAIT FOR ME!

OH,
THANK GOD IT'S YOU.

THERE WAS A 50-50 CHANCE

I'D BE HOLDING YOUR DAD
RIGHT NOW.

UGH.

HEY. HOW DID
THE DRIVING LESSON GO?

MOM BAILED.
WHAT?

IT'S OKAY TO GET DRUNK
AFTER DRIVING, RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, ASK "10:00 AND 2:00"
OVER HERE.

AS A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR,
SHE'S A ZERO.

THE GOOD THING
IS YOU GALS HAD SOME LAUGHS.

YOU DID
ALL THE FUN STUFF

AND YOU LEFT THE BORING STUFF
FOR ME TO TEACH,

LIKE LAWS
AND HOW NOT TO DIE.

DAD TAUGHT ME
ALL THAT STUFF, TOO,

BUT AT LEAST
HE ENJOYS MY COMPANY.

I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY.

NOT AT THIS MOMENT PARTICULARLY,
BUT I-I-I DO.

JUST FORGET IT, MOM.

WHAT? WHAT?

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
TO ME, JUST SAY IT. WHAT IS IT?

I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I KNOW WHY YOU SUDDENLY
WANT TO HANG OUT.

THE TWO DAUGHTERS
YOU ACTUALLY LIKE

ARE ALL BUSY,
SO YOU'RE THINKING, "HMM.

DON'T I HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF
THESE LAYING AROUND SOMEWHERE?"

E-EVE, EVE, EVE!

DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOM
LIKE THAT!

LISTEN, DON'T LISTEN --
DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

SHE GOT HIT IN THE HEAD
WITH A SOCCER BALL

WAY TOO MANY TIMES.

I DO TONS OF STUFF WITH EVE.
I KNOW YOU DO.

HONEY,
YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME.

I-I TAKE HER FOR MILKSHAKES
AT STONY'S.
I KNOW.

STONY'S CLOSED YEARS AGO,
HONEY.

IT TURNED INTO A BLOCKBUSTER,
WHICH IS OUT OF BUSINESS NOW.

IT'S A --
IT'S A VACANT LOT.

BUT YOU KNOW,
O-ODDLY ENOUGH,

TH-THEY'RE THINKING OF PUTTING
A MILKSHAKE PLACE BACK THERE.

OH, STOP.
YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.

SHE'S NOT RIGHT.
HONEY, PLEASE.

NO, SHE IS.
VANESSA, VANESSA.

I-I HAVE SPENT A LOT MORE TIME
WITH HER SISTERS AND --

AND I REALLY
LET THINGS SLIDE WITH EVE.

I'M SUCH A BAD,
BAD MOM.

DON'T BE SO HARD
ON YOURSELF.

YOU'RE CLOSE TO DIFFERENT KIDS
AT DIFFERENT TIMES IN YOUR LIFE.

MM, DO YOU THINK KRISTIN
AND MANDY RESENT YOU

FOR NOT SPENDING MORE TIME
WITH THEM?

DON'T KNOW,
DON'T CARE.

I'M GONNA GO TALK
TO EVE.

WELL,
YOU COULD DO THAT.

OR?

OR YOU COULD GIVE IT
SOME TIME,

LET HER THINK ABOUT IT.

THIS IS COMING FROM ME,
THE EVE EXPERT.

[ GROANS ]

[ GUITAR PLAYING ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
HEY.

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS,
HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART
WITH YOU.

HMM. PASS.

WE COULD HAVE A FOOT-TO-BUTT
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE

HOW YOU TALKED
TO YOUR MOM.

DAD, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING I SAID
WAS TRUE.

SHE'D MUCH RATHER BE HANGING OUT
WITH MANDY OR KRISTIN,

TAKING THEM TO BRUNCH
OR TO THE SPA.

DO YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST
IN ANY OF THOSE THINGS?

HELL NO.

BUT I'D LIKE TO BE ASKED
SO I CAN ROLL MY EYES.

AFTER SEVEN YEARS
OF ROLLING YOUR EYES,

MAYBE YOUR MOM
STOPPED TRYING.

SEE?
SHE BAILED ON ME.

YOU BAILED ON HER.

BECAUSE EVERYTHING
SHE LIKES TO DO IS LAME.

"THE BRAKE IS YOUR BUDDY.
THE BRAKE IS YOUR BUDDY."

THE BRAKE MAY BE
HER ONLY BUDDY.

[ SIGHS ]
YOUR MOM DOES THAT
BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU

AND WANTS YOU SAFE.
YOU ONLY THINK SHE'S LAME

BECAUSE YOU'RE COMPARING HER
TO STUFF I DO.

I KILLED A MOUNTAIN LION
WITH MY BARE HANDS.

MM.
I'M NOT SURE THAT COUNTS

IF YOUR BARE HANDS
ARE HOLDING A RIFLE.

SOME GUYS WEAR GLOVES.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
SOMETIMES THIS IS MY FAULT

BECAUSE I HOGGED YOU
ALL YOUR LIFE.

I HAD TWO DAUGHTERS,
AND I REALLY WANTED A SON.

YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW EXCITED
I WAS WHEN YOU CAME ALONG.

I'M A DAUGHTER,
TOO, DAD.

DON'T
SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

YOU'RE MUCH MORE THAN THAT
TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

LISTEN, YOUR MOM REACHED OUT
TO YOU, AND YOU SHUT HER DOWN.

I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU REACH OUT TO HER.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY.

BUT SHE'S THE MOM.

AND YOU'RE THE KID,
BUT NOT FOREVER.

TIME GOES ON.

THIS ISN'T GONNA LAST FOREVER,
YOU KNOW?

YOU WANT A CONNECTION
WITH YOUR MOM?

IT'S A GREAT THING.

I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU THOUGHT OF STUFF

THAT YOU GUYS CAN DO TOGETHER,
STUFF THAT SHE LIKES.

LIKE WHAT?

UH, MANI-PEDIS, PEDI-MANIS,
THAT STUFF, AND YOU --

YOU PLUCK AND YOU PROD
AND YOU PULL AND YOU OIL

AND A LOT OF EMOLLIENTS --
THAT STUFF.

HOW -- HOW ABOUT
FRENCH MOVIES?

HEY, MOM.
HMM?

ARE YOU BUSY?

HEY, HONEY.

UH, YEAH,
I-I JUST GOT A CALL FROM WORK.

I GOT TO DRIVE OUT
TO SOMERSET.

UM...

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU
I THOUGHT I WAS KIND OF A JERK

TODAY IN THE CAR.

YEAH, YOU --
YOU KIND OF WERE.

AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEND
A NOTE TO MRS. GAFFNEY,

OR AT LEAST PAY
TO GET HER WIG DRY-CLEANED.

HONEY, COME HERE,
COME HERE, COME ON.

COME SIT DOWN.
COME ON.

I ALWAYS HAVE TIME
FOR MY THIRD-FAVORITE DAUGHTER.

I-I JUST WANTED TO SAY

THAT I-I MISS US HANGING OUT,
YOU KNOW?

I THINK WE SHOULD
DO MORE THINGS TOGETHER.

ME, TOO. ME, TOO.

LIKE WHAT?

[ SIGHS ]

UH...YOU LIKE WINE,
RIGHT?

OH.
[ LAUGHS ]

NICE TRY. NICE TRY.

NOW, COME ON. COME ON.

LET'S THINK
OF SOMETHING ELSE.

WHAT -- WHAT --
WHAT DID WE USED TO DO?

GOSH. I DON'T KNOW.
JUST...

UM...

YOU USED TO
GIVE ME BATHS.

WELL, THAT MIGHT BE
KIND OF WEIRD NOW.

[ GROANS ] YEAH.

WELL, HEY, UM,
WHAT'S GOING ON IN SOMERSET?

IS THAT SOMETHING?

UH, WELL, I'M DECOMMISSIONING
THE ENTRY POINT TO A COAL SEAM.

BUT Y-YOU DON'T
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.

NO, IT --
I'M INTERESTED.

UH, WELL, FIRST,
WE HAVE TO VENTILATE THE MINE

FOR RESIDUAL V.A.M.

YEAH, V.A.M. YEAH.

YOU DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT
HANGING AROUND.

NO, YOU DON'T.

AND AFTER THAT, WE INITIATE
A CONTROLLED IMPLOSION

TO SEAL
THE MAIN SHAFT.

W-WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

IMPLOSION?

THAT, LIKE, KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE BLOWING SOMETHING UP.

I AM.
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST SAY THAT?

OKAY, I'M -- I'M --
I'M BLOWING UP A COAL MINE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
LED WITH THAT.

OH, MY --
OH, MY GOD.

W-W-WHAT ARE YOU WORKING WITH,
NITRO, R.D.X., DYNAMITE?

WHAT'S YOUR ORDNANCE?

DYNAMITE,
ABOUT HALF A TON.

SWEET! I'M SO IN!

NO, HONEY. NO, NO.
IT'S KIND OF DANGEROUS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SWEETEN THE POT, MOM.

PLEASE.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?
BUT LISTEN.

YOU GOT TO GO BY MY RULES
AND NO COMPLAINING.

I WILL PUT MY HANDS AT 10:00
AND 2:00 ON THE DETONATOR.

BUT SERIOUSLY, I-I CAN'T WAIT
TO TELL ALL MY FRIENDS

THAT YOU,
LIKE, BLOW STUFF UP.

NOT ONLY THAT,
BUT AFTER THE IMPLOSION,

I EXAMINE THE SEDIMENTARY DEBRIS
FOR BITUMINOUS ROCK.

DON'T DORK OUT ON ME,
MOM.

OKAY. NO, NO.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH,
I-I BLOW STUFF UP.

GREAT. LET'S HIT IT.

UM, WAIT.

UH, SOMERSET'S LIKE
THREE HOURS AWAY.

YOU DON'T NEED
YOUR HELMET YET.

YES, I DO
'CAUSE YOU ARE DRIVING.

YES!

Eve: YES! TOUCHDOWN!
Mike: TOUCHDOWN!

WHOO!
I'M GONNA CELEBRATE
WITH A COLD BEER.

YOU'VE EARNED IT.

YOU CARRIED THAT TEAM
ON YOUR BACK.

OH, HONEY, IS THAT THE PLAYER
YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT

ON THE DRIVE BACK
FROM SOMERSET?

THE ONE
WHO GOT SUSPENDED?

YES.

LUCKILY FOR US,

THE SUSPENSION COST HIM
LIKE 800 GRAND,

SO NOW HE'S PISSED

AND KNOCKING THE SNOT
OUT OF THE OTHER TEAM.

OH.
WHO ARE WE PLAYING?

THE RAIDERS.
HMM.

HOW'S
THEIR SEASON GOING?

WELL, YOU KNOW THE MINE SHAFT
WE BLEW UP?

YEAH.
A LITTLE WORSE THAN THAT.

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

HEY, DAD.
HI.

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?

AH, SOMETIMES WHEN GOD CLOSES
A COAL MINE, HE OPENS A WINDOW.