Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - College Girl - full transcript

Like this?

Yeah. It's gotta come off
right when they pour it.

And then what do you say?

"Would you like some coffee
with that sugar?"

Yes!

(Exhales)
All right, sweetie,
so what do you recommend?

Boyd likes
the grilled cheese.

All right, well, then
two grilled cheeses, please.

And catch of the day?

Hepatitis c.

Let's see.



How about duck l'orange...

Unh-unh.

In the shape of a hamburger?
All right.

Yo, hash slinger.

I'll take a ration
of powdered eggs.

No better way to get used to
military food than this dump.

Oh...

Hey, Eve, we got you
an iced tea.

(Giggles, mischievous voice)
Want some sugar?

Uh, nice try, small fry.

But we were trained
by the same prank master.

Ah, the young.
They have so much to learn.

Yeah. Fake vomit,
the whoopee cushion.

The rubber snake
in the toilet.



The real snake
in the toilet.

You asked me to snake
the toilet.

(Mouths words)
Uh, hey, dad,

I need some help with
my Junior R.O.T.C. competition.

Can you ask mr. Larabee
to help me

With
my rifle-handling skills?

Chuck larabee.
I know he's a marine,

But I think I can outshoot most
of them with my eyes closed.

And you wonder why I don't go
hunting with you anymore.

Well, dad,
it's not shooting.

We have to spin
and twirl a rifle around,

Kind of like some girly
cheerleader with a baton.

(Chuckles)

If I can describe it
like that to chuck,

Sure, I'll ask him.

Yeah,
and if I make sergeant,

It'll look really good
on my college resume.
Hmm.

Oh, you know what?
That is really smart, Eve.

Gosh, I wish Mandy
had thought ahead like that.

She was rejected at practically
every college she applied to.
(Mike) I know.

She's gonna be stuck
going to u.C. Denver.

Well, that's not a bad deal.
Hey. Watch it.

I'm taking classes
at u.C. Denver.

Yeah, sorry, I know.
Yeah, I know,
I know, I know.

They're not
very selective, okay?

You got a warm body, you're in.

Which is also
Mandy's policy.

Hey! Shh!

The kid's right here.

A-and she has the same
74% acceptance rate.
(Groans)

Oh!
Ah! Bam! That's what
I'm talking about!

(Boyd laughing)
Very funny!

Would you like some
french fries with that salt?

Oh, shh! (Laughs)

You guys! Amazing news!

I was just accepted
at laguna beach university

In California!
What?

(Mike) What?
How did that happen?

It's a California school.

Maybe they didn't get
their quota of capricorns.

(Knock on door)
(Ed) Hey, Mike,
take a look at this.

Hold on a second, man.

I'm just looking at the figures
for Mandy's college.
Mm.

It's, like, almost
30 grand a semester.

How do people afford this?

That's two semesters,
four years--

That's almost a quarter mil.
That's a big nut.

Yeah. My nut, in a vice.

Plus I got Kris
at u.C. Denver,

Eve's just
around the corner.

That's three big nuts.

We used to have a guy
in gym class like that.

(Mutters)

They got him
a special cup, you know?

I just can't believe Mandy
got into l.B.U.

Laguna beach?
Yeah.

Well, I may have played
a hand in that.

Dean of admissions
is a pal.

Why?

I don't know.
I'm a friendly guy.

People are drawn to me.

No. Why did you help my daughter
get into an expensive school

Without asking me?

'cause I thought I was
doing you a favor.

If you didn't want her
going there,

Why did you let her apply?

Because I love my daughter.

I want the college
to crush her dreams, not me.

She's a better fit
for u.C. Denver.

Why's that?
'cause it'll save me
200 grand.

(Knock on door)

Hey, mr. B.
Mr. Alzate.

Yeah, Kyle.
Hey, Kyle, where you been?

Oh, I got your note

To restock
the trout pond with cat.

Here.

"Fish."

Yeah, that would've been
a lot easier.

Yeah.
(Closes door)

Hey, Kyle.

Sit down. I-I gotta talk
to you for a second.
Yeah.

Listen, I'm sure Mandy told you

She got accepted
to laguna beach university

And u.C. Denver.

Yeah. Got accepted
to two colleges?
Yeah.

Man, she's gonna be busy.

She's probably just
gonna go to one of 'em--

The one in California.

How do you feel about
a long-distance relationship?

Yeah, you know,
distance puts a strain

On everything, son.
Mm-hmm.

Like my last marriage couldn't
survive a king-sized bed.

Don't worry
about me and Mandy.

I mean, we know that
Colorado and California

Are on opposite sides
of the continent...

But geography means
nothing to us. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Clearly.

Listen, I'm just surprised
you're not upset

About her being around
all those smart,

Good-looking, rich guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
They all surf

And play that
beach blanket bingo there.

And roast their weenies...
Weenies.

And drive their woodies.
Big woodies.

I guess, but what kind
of boyfriend would I be

If I asked her not to go?

Well...
The kind that still has
a girlfriend. (Laughs)

I just think she's so much
better here at u.C. Denver.

Yeah, but there'd still be
smart guys there.

I don't think
she's interested in that.
Yeah.

You're right, mr. B.

All right.
I'm gonna go talk to Mandy

About this whole
college thing.
(Mike) Great idea.

(Sighs and laughs)
(Door closes)

You know, it just
occurred to me...

Three nuts wasn't
in my gym class.

I had him in history.
(Scoffs)

I don't know
why he showed me.

(Indistinct conversations)

Wow. You look beautiful.

Oh... (Giggles)
Thanks.

Uh, Ryan, this is
a really expensive restaurant.

(Chuckles) I will not be able
to dine-and-dash in these heels.

Tonight, money is no issue.

And you can order
any of the wines.
Wow.

A-as long as they're
on this side of the page.

Uh-huh.
And from here up.

But not that one.

If order the cheapest wine,
can I get three of them?

Absolutely. I just won't
order an entree.

(Chuckles)

Uh, she'll have
the house cab. Thanks.

(Sighs)

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. It's just...

Mandy's moving away
to California,

And I'm still stuck
waking up

In my childhood bedroom
being mocked

By my "Most Likely To Succeed"
trophies.

It's just hard
being the oldest kid

When the youngest
is dad's favorite

And the middle child
is, you know,

The breakout star
everybody swoons over.

Well...

You know, a lot of times
that middle child

Ends up being the funny one
because he wants the attention.

Jon! Hi!

(Chuckles)

Kris, it's great to see you.
Yeah, you, too.

Uh, Ryan, this is jon baker.

We used to wait tables
together at the diner.

Yeah, we hated
that place.
Mm.

So, what are you doing now?

Still hating it.

Oh.

Hey, did you ever hear
anything from that deadbeat guy

Who took off on you
and your kid?

That's right...

Uh, you never actually
met Ryan.

Yeah, we're back together.

Oh, right on. That's...

Well, that's, uh,
that's great.
Yeah.

So, you're finally
out of your dad's house.

Oh... So enough about me.
Uh... (Laughs)

You seem to be
doing great.

Tending bar
in a place like this?

Yeah, but, you know,
I mean,

Owner's kind of full
of himself.
Mm.

He's young, successful...

Easy on the eyes.

I'm the owner.

(Laughs)

And tonight's on me. Enjoy.

Huh?

Did you hear that?

Oh, yeah. I'm getting
at least two entrees.

No, Ryan, everyone is
moving on with their lives

Except for me.

You know, I have just got
to make the leap

And get my own place.

Or...

You could...

Move in with me.

Whoa.

(Chuckles) So this is why
you brought me here.

Tried to dazzle me
with the house cab.

It just makes sense.

You know, you could work less
and take more college classes.

Come on. Let me do this.

Wow. Uh... I'm gonna have to
think about this.

You might want to order me
a glass of wine.

You have a glass of wine.

Check back in ten seconds.

(Mouths words)

Ten-hut!

Port... Arms!

Right shoulder... Arms!

Order... Arms!

Okay.

There was only one little thing
wrong with that.

Really? What?

Everything, maggot!
We're gonna do it again!

(Panting) Oh, no.

What did you say?!

I mean... (Deep voice)
Yes, sir, Mr. Larabee, sir!

Are you a soldier
or a little girl?!

Trying to be both, sir!

Well, you're doing
a piss-poor job

At one of them!

(Normal voice)
Seriously, Eve, let me know

If I'm taking this too far.

(Normal voice) No,
you're really motivating me.

Lean harder
on that "maggot" stuff.

Okay, well,
whatever you say. Now...

(Chuck) Present arms!
Oh. Is our neighbor
still out there

Yelling at our daughter?

(Laughs) Yeah, it's great.
And if she gets tired,

We can just send
one of the other girls out.

(Mandy) Ahem!

Hello, parents.
Um, Kyle and I have

A very important
life announcement to make.

It's about l.B.U.

Oh, what about l.B.U.?
Well, let 'em finish.

I think you're gonna like
where this is going.

Okay, so... Kyle and I
both feel like

Laguna is a wonderful
opportunity for me,

But we don't want it
to tear us asunder.
(Whispers indistinctly)

Nothing more painful
than a torn asunder.

Well, you know, honey,
u.C. Denver

Is a better fit for you.
It--it really is.

Yeah.
U.C. Denver? No, I'm--

I'm still going to laguna.

But I'm going with her!

Whoo!
(Both laughing)

We got it all
figured out.
Yeah.

She'll go to class,
I'll get a job,

And we'll live someplace.

Well, you left nothing
to chance there, did you, Kyle?

We need a little time alone.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, ladies,
can Mike and I have the room?

No. Alone without you.

Right. We can talk
anytime. Okay.

Bye, Mandy.
(Mandy) Bye.

Listen,
enough fooling around.

Your mom and I don't think
l.B.U. Is a good fit for you.

Yeah. Honey, you know what?
The courses there--

They're much harder
than what you're used to.

Mm-hmm.
Well, that's sort of
the beauty of college.

I mean, for the first
few years, they're basically

Just going over what you
learned in high school.

But you didn't learn
anything in high school.

So... I won't be bored.

Sweetheart, we're--
we're just worried

You might have trouble
keeping up.

The school isn't worried.

I mean, they obviously think
that I'm smart enough.

(Inhales sharply)
Ed pulled a few strings
to get you in there.

So... You're saying
I wasn't accepted

Because of
my deserved-osity?

Oh, I know what this is.

You guys think that I'm too
stupid to go to a good college.

No, no, honey. Honey--
oh, stop.

Yeah.
I would never, ever
say you were stupid.

You're too lazy.

Okay, so just to be clear,

Neither of you think
that I can cut it, right?

No. No, no. Honey--
no, that has nothing--

Well, then screw college.

Who said I ever wanted
to go in the first place?

No, Mandy--man--
(Sighs)

Really? Really?
You call her lazy?

You called her stupid!

I did not call her stupid.
I-I...

No, I implied it.

I didn't think
she'd figure it out.

Rest of your order will be
out in a minute,

Malibu barbie.
(Chuckles) I wish.

Actually, I meant that
as an insult.

Yeah, but where's the insult?
I mean, she's got

A pink convertible,
her own dream house,

And a sister that's
optional and less popular.

Up top. (Laughs)

(Clattering)

Anyways, haven't you heard?
Mom and dad think

I'm too stupid and lazy
to go to l.B.U.,

So... I'm not gonna go
to college at all.

Oh. That'll prove 'em wrong.

So you're not even gonna
go to u.C.D.?

Are you kidding me?
Seriously,

You look out the window
at l.B.U.,

And you see the ocean.

You look out the window
at u.C. Denver,

And you see denver.

Unbelievable.
What?

Well, mom and dad won't pay
to send you to school

At the beach, so you're just
gonna bail on the whole idea?

Well--
that school is $60,000
a year.

Do you know how much
that adds up to in four years?

Or more likely five.

Or six.

Not if you keep changing
the problem on me.

Okay, you slacked off
all through high school, Mandy.

You haven't done anything to
actually deserve their support.

Who are you to talk?!

You're still living at home
and you're, like, 100!

All you do is complain about
being stuck in your life.

You don't do anything
to change it.

Well, actually,
I'm thinking about making

Some big changes.

Well, that's the difference
between you and me.

I don't think about things.

(Scoffs) You know what?

You are right.

(Dishes clattering,
tray thuds)

Carlos, I quit.

Whoa. Hey, Kristin,
come on. I'm sorry.

No, don't--don't quit.
You can't quit. Not now.

I have a milk shake coming.

(Chuck) Ten-hut!

Port... Arms!

(Chuck) Right shoulder...
Wow. Gotta say,
that was pretty impressive.

Oh, yeah.
Hmm.

That'll scare the heck
out of the north koreans.

See all those
spinnin' rifles?
Hmm.

They'll forget all about
their nuclear ambitions.

(Door opens and closes)
(Boyd) Grandpa?

Hey, Boyd, I found
some stuff in the garage

I want to show you, okay?
Hey.

Hey, buddy, will you go
upstairs for a second?

I need to talk
to grandma and grandpa.

(Mischievous voice) Daddy,

Do you think you're gonna
need to use the toilet?

(Clicks tongue)

Uh... (Chuckles)
eventually.

Well, be up in, like,
five minutes.

Sounds like he found
the rubber snake.

Now he's never gonna
fall for it!

Look, it's about Kristin.

Do you guys know she's
talking about moving out?

I want you guys to convince her
to move in with me.

You'd have better luck
asking me for my kidney.

Well, wait a minute.

Do you think she's
really serious this time?

I-I don't want Kristin
to move out.

I-I'd really miss
her and Boyd.

Boyd?
Why does he have to go?

Well, honey, she's not gonna
forget to pack him.

He's not a toothbrush.

Well, Mike, where would you
rather have her live--

With me, or in Five Points?

'cause that's where
she's looking at apartments.

Five Points?
Yeah. Off Martin Luther King
Boulevard.

I-I guess that's all she
can afford on her salary,

And... I just really
hate the idea

Of her and Boyd living
in that part of town.

Yeah, that part of town.
Hey, hold on a second.

Just hold that thought
for a second.

Hey, larabee, I want
to ask you something.
Mike, what are you doing?

Don't do it--honey, no!
You might give us
a better perspective on this.

What's up?
Ryan is worried

That Kristin may move into
an area called Five Points.

Five Points?
Right.

What's wrong
with Five Points?

(Stammers)

Nothing. Nothing.
I'm just not sure

It's the safest place
for her to live.

Well, I never have
a problem there.

You know what I'm... Saying.

There are
a few rough characters.

I think I know
what he means, Mike.

There are some
colorful characters.

Aha.
Yeah.

Come on. Vanessa, please,
help me out.

I'm kinda curious to see
how you get out of this.

Well, it's just that
on every corner,

There's one of those
check-cashing establishments.

People need
their checks cashed.

And liquor stores.

People need their booze.

And pawnshops.

Well, people need
used banjos.

People are very musical
in Five Points.
Oh, yeah.

(Mike) Wait a minute.

This wouldn't have
anything to do

With the fact
that Five Points is a...

"racially diverse" neighborhood,
does it?

No. No. Absolutely not.
That is not what I meant.

Ahh.
Ahh.

(Both laughing)

You are so bad.
(Laughing continues)

(Laughs)
I'm just messing
with you, son.

I'd be scared to death
to live in that neighborhood.

All that check-cashin'.

Right. (Laughs)

(Laughs) Yeah, okay,
that was hysterical, Mike.

But seriously, will you guys
tell her to move in with me?

I don't understand why Kristin
just can't stay here.

Doesn't it make more sense
for Kristin to live

With the father of her child?

Maybe we should find
this Kristin

And see what she thinks.

So everybody's down here.
You having fun

Making big decisions
about my life?

What are you
so dressed up for?

Work.
This is my new uniform.

They can dress up that diner
all they want,

But it doesn't fool my colon.

(Laughs)
Look, Kris,

I am putting my foot down.

I am not letting you move Boyd
to Five Points.

Why is that, Ryan?
Oh, just quit it, Mike!

You're right. I-I won't be
moving to Five Points.

(Sighs) Thank god.

And I'm not moving
in with you, Ryan.

I-I'm sorry. I just--
I can't go from living

Under one man's roof to living
under another man's roof.

Well, it's not another
man's roof.

My building is owned
by a lesbian couple.

(Laughs) Well,
I found actually

A really nice 2-bedroom
in lodo.

You can't afford that
on your diner salary.

Yeah, that's right.
That's why I quit,

And I got a new job.

Really? Well,
that's great, honey.

I--you're so much better
than waitressing.

So, what's the new job?

Uh, waitressing.

But at
a much better restaurant.

I'll be earning three times
what I was making at the diner,

And they're talking about
making me a manager.

(Doorbell rings)

Uh...

Hey.
(Ryan) Hey.

Come on in. Everybody,
this is my new boss.

This is jon baker.

Hi.
Oh, hi, I'm Vanessa. Hi.

(Chuckles)
I'm Mike Baxter.

Hey.
Man, you look familiar.

Well, you know, I used to
work with Kristin.

Hmm.
That's not it.

Well, uh, jon just came by
to give me a ride

To my first dinner shift.
Yeah.

You know, makes sense
to carpool,

Save the planet, right?
Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I'm just kidding.

Environmental regulations
are job killers.
Yeah.

I'm a small business owner.
I know.

Whoa. (Laughs)
Is that your car?

Uh... Yeah, yeah.

I had it souped up a bit.

You know, for more power.

(Growly voice)
Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Now, that kid
was raised right.

I know how to lift a box.

I saw the way
you picked it up, Mike.

Maybe you should start
lifting with your legs.

Well, maybe you should stop
looking at me

When I'm bent over, huh?

Hey, Mike... Whoa!

Um, can I talk to you guys
about l.B.U.?

Talk is cheap, unlike l.B.U.

Ha ha. Well...

I still think it's
the right choice for me,

And I'm going to prove that
to you by going to u.C. Denver

For a year
and getting my grades up.

(Clicks tongue)
That is great, sweetheart.

We are really, really
proud of you.

Thanks.
(Speaks indistinctly)

Plus I found out that
u.C. Denver actually has,

Like, a really good
fashion department,

So I'm probably just gonna
switch my major to that

And then minor in latin.

What do you know
about latin?

I love shakira,
and I'm really good at zumba.

Well, as long as you have
that latin to fall back on.

These the last of them?
Yeah.

(Sighs)

You know, you can still change
your mind if you want to.

I know.

And, uh...

I actually have.

Wait, now? After we
packed up the truck?

No, no, no.

I, uh, changed my mind
about this.

I've decided
that you are welcome

To come live
with Boyd and me...

If you would like.

I'm confused.

I thought you wanted
to be out on your own.

There's a big difference

Between moving
into someone else's place

And someone moving
into mine.

Grandpa, don't forget
my book of pranks!

You know what?
Let's leave that book here

So when you come back, we have
something to goof around with.

(Giggles)
(Ryan grunts)

Is this still gonna be
my room?

Yes, it's still
gonna be your room.

You know, your grandma wants
to turn this into a gym,

But I said no, because I love
you a lot more than she does.

(Sighs)

Hey, buddy, are you okay
with this move?

I think so.

(Exhales) It's okay
to be sad, you know.

I know.

I am really sad

That I'm not gonna get
to see you every day.

Me, too.
(Groans) Oh, kiddo.

But listen, listen.

It's gonna be
even more special

When you do get to spend
time together,

Because we can just have
prank day.

We can use the stuff
in the back of this book.

This is an old book, you know?
Here's one that's--

Here's an old--
this is an old...

Democratic trick.

A dollar bill
with a string on it.

Yeah, just when you think
it's yours...

(Makes whooshing sound)
Right away from you, I tell ya.

Here's a fun one, though.
This is an old-school--

Grab that pail.
(Groans)

Get a little bit
of water in the bucket.

Fish water
is perfect, too.

(Chuckles)

Stand back.

Okay. Hold it.

Okay.

I know the drill.

(Mischievous singsong voice)
Oh, daddy?

Can you come up here?

(Ryan) Be up
in a minute, son.

(Pail clatters)

Bam! Now that's what
I'm talking about!
(Laughs)