Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Attractive Architect - full transcript

Ooh.

(Door closes)

Ah, no, no, no.
Get out.
Aah!

Save yourself.
Literally. Get out.
Dad!

(Groans)
I need this bathroom.

Honey, honey, it's morning.
I have the newspaper.

The sequence
has been engaged.

Things are about
to happen here.

Well, Eve locked
herself in ours,

So... Sorry.
Well, you... (Muttering)

Eve!



Eve!

(Exhales)
(Knocks on door)

Eve, open the door!
Your sister's primer's on.

I guess she's ready
to paint! Come on!

Dad, if I let her in, she'll
hog the bathroom for hours.

That's--come on.
Hey, this is my studio
and this is my canvas,

And every day,
I create a masterpiece.
Oh...

Look in there.
You're all set.
Thank you.

All right. She's in,
I'm out.
Wait. Dad. Dad.

Where am I supposed
to put all my makeup?

She's taken all the drawers.
(Stammers)

I have
a very meticulous system.

See, everything
is arranged...
Okay.

And carefully sorted
into four separate zones.
I got it.



Move away. Move away.
Look.

You got a spare drawer.
Just put all this stuff...
(Clatters)

My zones!
Oh!

There we go. All right, look,
problem number one solved.

On to number two.

Time to drop those shoes.

♪

Hey, Kyle,

Knock on Ed's door
and tell him I got a buddy

Who wants to say hi
to him, okay?

Ah, it's gonna be great
working with you again, buddy!

(Laughing)

Man, it has been
way too long.

Yeah, last project we did
seemed to last forever.

(Laughs)

Let's do it again.
Ah, yeah.

Hey, Mr. B.,
Ed said he's in a meeting,

And that he does not want
to be disturbed, you idiot.

(Laughs) That last part
might have been meant for me.

That's all right, Mike.

Just take a look at my designs
for the mall stores

And give me a call
with the good news. (Laughs)
You bet, buddy.

Say hi to the wife
and the three boys.

Hey...

It's three girls.

Really? God, I-I seem
to remember it was three boys.

(Mouths words)

Hey, Mike. Mike...

You just missed Bill McKendree.

Oh, yeah. Well, this is,
uh, Alyssa Warren,

Fine young architect
with Warren and Associates.

Mike Baxter.
Hey.

How are you?
Pleasure to meet you.
Thanks for coming down.

Thank you.
Yeah. I was just
telling Alyssa

About that time that I got
the--the tiger in Siberia

To eat sugar from my hand.

Yeah, the sad part
of that story--

Sugar was his Pomeranian.

(Laughs)

It was the dog or me,
Mike.

Sugar died a hero.

Mr. Alzate
is a fantastic storyteller.

Yes.
Quite an animal lover, too.

Well, it was a pleasure
meeting both of you.

Thanks.
I do hope we get
the chance to work together

On those mall stores.
We'll talk it over.

Okay. Great, thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Uh, if one of you guys

Can help Ms. Warren
to her car, please?

At ease, fellas.

I design buildings
for a living.

I can find my way
out of this one.

All right. Well, we've looked
at all the proposals, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah.
I say we go
with Bill McKendree

Like we wanted to, okay?

Yeah, well, you know, maybe
it's time for a change, Mike.

Alyssa could really expand
our business, you know?

Oh, I'll bet she could
expand your business. Yeah.

All right. Stop that.
Come on now, come on now,

Come on now.
I checked out her portfolio.

I saw you
checking her portfolio.

(Speaking indistinctly)
I understand
what's going on.

All right, listen to me.
She's a fine architect.

I know that. She--
try to make that sound dirty.
Go ahead.

Okay.
Yeah. Right.

She's got floor plans?
Yeah.

I bet you got plans
to put her on your floor.

All right.

I could do this
all day, Ed.

McKendree and Associates
have done 15 buildings for us.

And since it seems
to be your thing,

Bill's boobs are a lot bigger
than they were last year.

All right. I really
like that girl's energy.

(Groans)
But I'm gonna
let you decide.

Take these proposals home.

There are five architects
in there,

Male and female.
Pick one.

I'll go
by my three criteria--

Experience, cost...

And if their name
is Bill McKendree.

Hey. I can't believe you
took back that makeup drawer.

Where am I supposed to put
all my beauty stuff?

"Beauty stuff"?

You have lip gloss,
an eyebrow pencil,

And a paper clip.
(Scoffs)

That paper clip
is a primo zit popper, okay?

What? It's the cornerstone
of my skin care regimen.

Eve,
you don't need makeup.

You are a perfect
plain bagel, okay?

Why would you wanna cover
that up with cream cheese, huh?

Yeah.

So I could be delicious?

(Laughs) No. Come on.

You have this, like,
unspoiled, natural look.

You could have an entire drawer
filled with makeup,

And you still
wouldn't be any prettier.

You seem to be
taking that the wrong way.

(Sighs)

Hey, mom.
Hey, sweetie.

What's with the black dress?
Someone die?

Uh, yeah.
Bruce Jenkins from my work.

Oh. Sorry.

I-I didn't--
now I feel bad.

I was just trying
to make fun of your dress.
Yeah. Yeah.

Don't worry. She doesn't feel
that bad about Jenkins.

She got his job.

You do not wanna be
ahead of your mom

On the corporate ladder.
Whoa.

So, honey, did anybody
figure out how you did it?

Oh, stop it.

I don't want
to go to this funeral.

A bunch of sad geologists
talking to each other.

There's not enough booze
in the world

To make that boat float.
(Laughs)

It'll be fine.
You look handsome.

It's a little awkward.
I don't wanna upstage Jenkins.

It's--it's his day, you know.
Mm.

Yeah, how come
your funeral suit

Looks like
the one you got married in?

Part of me died that day.

Well, part of you
died that night, too.

But you did have
a lot to drink. (Laughs)
(Laughs)

What, uh, what is
all this stuff you got here?

Oh, these are
the architectural proposals

For the new store at the mall.
Oh.

Ed wants to go with
this young babe's proposal,

But I'm gonna go
with my guy, Bill McKendree.

What's, uh,
what's wrong with the babe?

Well,
'cause she's really hot,

And I think
that's the only reason

Ed's even--even
interested in her.

Mm.
Should have seen the guys
staring at her at work.

It was embarrassing.

(Clicks tongue)
That is really sexist.

Eh, they're a bunch
of pigs,

Not highly evolved
like your guy.

No, I mean you.

I think you're denying her
this job

Just because she's attractive.

Hold on. You're mad because I'm
not hiring the smokin' hot babe?

How 'bout we go
back in time

And revisit hiring that
Swedish au pair for Kristin?

What was it? Helga? Olga?

Whatever her name was? Whoa.

Have you even looked
at this woman's proposal?

I don't even know
if it's her proposal.

Probably someone
at her company.

They send
a good-looking girl out.

It's a classic
bait-and-switch.

So because she's pretty,
you assume she is incompetent?

Doesn't have to be
competent.

(Door closes)
Honey, if pretty women
aren't good at their jobs,

I mean, what--what does
that say about me?

(Mouths words)

Be a good time
for a massive stroke.

Mike, I worry all the time

That because I'm--
I'm, you know, attractive,

That my work doesn't get
the respect it deserves.

Could go the other way.

You did get
the promotion, right?

Honey, I did not get
this promotion

Because of my looks.
(Door closes)

Not just because of it.

I mean, a guy had to die,
for god sakes.
What?!

Oh, come on.

Come on.
It doesn't hurt that

The guys in the boardroom
have some eye candy now.

Oh, you know what?
That's a terrible thing to say.

What are you talking about?
No, it--

You know you got it
going on.

You're good-looking.
You might as well use it

While you still got it.
Uh-huh?

'cause it's...
It's--it's....

Do you smell toast?
I smell toast.

Uh-huh. You know what?

You stay home.

I will have more fun
at this funeral without you.
Oh, cut it out.

Come--no--
more fun at a funeral?

I'll go without you.
You don't have--

Come on. Are you sure?
(Door closes)

There's no way that I would
want to be here by myself.

This'll be just terrible.
All right, all right.

I'll stay. (Chuckles)

(Mandy) Help!
What?

Okay, dad, don't freak out
until we have all the facts,

But something horrible
has happened!

Oh, all right. Calm down.
Now what is it? One at a time.

Apparently, Eve has hidden
all the makeup in the house.

(Mike) Ah.

Why am I the only one
in this house

That rolls out of bed
looking fabu?

If I have to go through life
as a plain bagel, so do you.

Gee. Look at the time.

(Singsongy) Better hit the road
before we're late for school.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

Hey, maybe the roads
will be safer.

You know
that rear-view mirror

You use
to put on your makeup?

It also comes in handy
for driving.

No. No.

I can't go to school
looking like this. Look at me.

Don't look at me!

(Panting)

God! People expect the whole
Mandy Baxter experience.

If I show up
looking like this,

It diminishes my brand--

Mandy.

Hey, come on.
You look cute.

Just like you did when you were
a baby. You always have.

Cute? Next thing
you're gonna say

I have a nice personality!

No. I wasn't gonna say that.

(Indistinct conversations)

Oh. Another text
from my husband.

Ugh. I'm beautiful.
He loves me.

It's so insulting.
(Chuckles)

The nerve of some guys.
(Chuckles)

Yeah. It wouldn't
occur to him to text me

That I'm competent
or smart.

He--he thinks that just because
I'm a beautiful woman,

Things get handed to me.
(Chuckles)

Oh. (Chuckles) Thank you.

Yeah.

You know what? I'm gonna
get to the bottom of this.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Lentz,

Uh, can I talk to you
for a second?

Vanessa, we're peers now.
Call me Calvin.

Oh, okay. Uh, Calvin...

Uh, maybe you can settle
something for me

About my promotion.

You gave it to me strictly
based on job performance,

Correct?
Of course.

Although Jenkins dying
didn't hurt.

I mean your chances.

He was in severe pain there
at the end.

Okay. All right.

But--but there were
no other factors?

I-I mean, obviously,
I'm a woman.

Which was not
a consideration at all.

Oh, okay. All right,
I know you have to say that.

Between you and me...
Uh-huh?

Um, sometimes people
are influenced

By things
they don't even realize.

I guess what I'm--
what I'm getting at is, uh,

Do you think I'm pretty?

Do... Do--excuse me?

Oh, no, no.
It's nothing weird.

It's just my husband and I
have this thing...

Okay.

No, wait--no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. No, no.

I'm sorry. Look, I just--

(Sighs) I just need to know
that getting my job

Had nothing to do with you
thinking I'm attractive.
N--

No, no, no.
My decision was based purely

On job performance
and qualifications.
(Exhales)

Okay. All right.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
Yeah.

I-I just needed to know
that my looks weren't a factor.
(Chuckles)

Oh, wait. Um, so who--who were
some of the other finalists?

There was only one--
Dr. Kathy Pullman.

(Squirts)
Ugh.

Oh. (Chuckles nervously)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, Jenna.
Hey. (Laughs)

Hey, you think you can,
uh, you can hook me up?

You got any lip gloss?
Can I have a little taste?

(Mutters)

Grindal! Yeah!

Grindal! Hey, man.

Can you help me out?

I just need, uh, I need
a little bit of eye liner.

Just a couple of lines?

Yeah. Whatever, Grindal!

I remember when
your name was Danny!

(Sniffles)

(School bell rings)

Oh, my god!
(Claps hands)

Look, everyone!

Ohh!
It's Kenny from "South Park"!

Wow! Wait a minute.

It's... It's Mandy Baxter.

Aah. No.

So this is what
she really looks like.

No, it's--it's not me!
It's not Mandy Baxter, okay?

It's an ugly exchange student
from Spain! Bonjour!

Oh, hey, Kathy.
(Chuckles)

Where you puttin'
all that wine?

What do you have,
a hollow leg? (Chuckles)

You don't have
a hollow leg, do you?

Why do you keep
talking to me?

We've worked together
for years in the same building,

And you never talk to me.
All right.

Well, it's about time
we changed that.

Listen, do you realize
that you and I

Were the only two finalists
for the job... I got?

Thanks for rubbing it in.

Like I had any chance
against the prom queen.

Prom queen?

Big hair?
And all those teeth?

My god, you must have 50
crammed in there.

I have the usual amount.

Hey, hey, why are you
so mad at me?

Because you got the job
that I was more qualified for.

But it's okay.
I still have my cats.

How many cats
do you have, Vanessa?

I bet you don't have six.
All right, well, hold on.

Kathy, look,
I-I am not just pretty.

I-I have excellent
qualifications.

Oh. So she's pretty
and she knows it.

Always a great combination.

I have a master's
in Geophysics,

With a PhD in Geology
with an emphasis in Petrology

From Ohio State.

Wow. And all I have
is the exact same stuff...

From Yale.

(Sighs) All right.
Kathy, look.

We're both two
very accomplished women.

I mean, the truth
of the matter is,

We should be running
this company.

(Scoffs) Not anytime soon.
From Lentz on up,

This is a sausage fest
around here.

Always has been.

That's why they get away
with paying you

Less than they paid Jenkins.

How do you know that?

Lentz's password is on a post-it
on the side of his computer.

(Scoffs) What a dumbass.

And he doesn't even
have a PhD.

None of our bosses do.

Lentz only has a master's...

From Florida State.

(Gasps)

(Speaking inaudibly)

(Scoffs)

You know what we should do?

We should bury Lentz
up to his neck

In foraminiferal ooze.
(Laughs) Yeah.

And let
the lithification begin.

Or bury him in cat poo.
Yeah.

I know where I can get
a ton of it. (Laughs)

Hey.
Hey.

(Door closes)

How was the funeral?

Well, they did it right--

Closed casket, open bar.

Making a sandwich.
Are you hungry?

No. Jenkins' widow made
all of his favorite foods

For the reception.

Yeah, now she cooks.

Hey, baby, I'm sorry we had
the argument about your work.

I didn't mean to say
that you weren't capable

Or a smart scientist.
No, it's okay.

I found out who I was competing
with for the promotion,

And my looks may have been
a teeny, tiny factor.

That's all I was saying,
you know?

But not everyone is...
Evolved as your husband.

But whatever good
being attractive has done me

Is nothing compared
to the advantages

That you enjoy every day

Just by being a man
in this society.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

No, it's true.
It's true, Mike.

Men have huge advantages.

Men have everything, right?

You might wanna turn around
while I, uh,

High-five Big Jim
and the twins.

You know what I found out
at the funeral?

They gave me Jenkins' job,

But I'm not making
nearly his salary.

Honey, if you want
more money, ask for it.

If you're worth it,
they're gonna pay you

Because you're worth more.

No, not women. We make
77 cents of the dollar,

And that's if we're lucky enough
to get the job.

You ever hear
of the glass ceiling?

Of course I have.
Never seen it,

Because, of course,
it's made out of glass.

So what? It doesn't exist?

I didn't say
it didn't exist.

But a lot of women
have busted through--

Margaret Thatcher,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

They had to work
twice as hard

To break through that glass.

Maybe they shouldn't have led
with their faces, too.

I heard that.

And if that glass ceiling broke?
Who's gonna fix a glass ceiling?

It's gonna be a guy.

No woman's clamoring
for that job

To climb up on a building
in the middle of the night

In a rainstorm
and fix broken glass.

Yeah, 'cause a woman
is smart enough

To wait until morning
when the storm has passed.

Then the basement's flooded.
Then what you got? Black mold.

And who's gonna
clean that up? A man.

You know what?
I get it. I get it.

No one is clamoring
to clean up the black mold.
Exactly.

But a woman just might
be qualified

To design, uh, I don't know,
a store in a mall?

I'm going with
McKendree and Associates

Because I know them,

And being comfortable
with somebody

Is a--is a qualification.

It's a catch-22. You will never
be comfortable around women

Unless you start
hiring them.

I live around four women.

I'm less and less comfortable
every day.

Hi, mom and dad.

Hi, guys.
(Mouth full) Hi.

We got anything to eat?

Oh, wait.
Here comes a plain bagel.

Ha ha ha.
(Speaks indistinctly)

(Sighs) So I had
a really strange day.
Hmm.

I saw the world
through ordinary eyes.

Still bright and luminous,

But uncontoured
due to lack of eye liner.

You went to school
without makeup?

Yeah. It was weird.

I thought people would, like,
I don't know, run away from me,

But it was the opposite.
They wanted to talk to me,

And they treated me
like I was smart.

Well, you're back home now
where we all know better.

You know, Mandy,
this is fascinating.

People responded
to you differently

Based on your appearance.
Hmm.

I was just making
that very point earlier.

I-I didn't hear anything,
you're all so darned pretty.

Must've been great,
sweetheart,

For people to notice you
for more than just your looks.

No. Blah.
These weird nerdy guys,

Like, suddenly thought
they had a shot with me.

And all these teachers
were calling on me,

Expecting answers.

Ugh. It was awful.

But I learned something
really important today--

Life is beautiful,

But it's more beautiful
when you're beautiful.

And I've seen what it means
to be Eve for a day.

And, yeah, nobody
should have to live like this.

You can have a drawer
for your makeup, okay?

All right.

Time to tart myself up
and start pulling C's.
(Giggles)

Let's grab a shovel.

I'll show you
where I buried your stuff.

Well, there you go.

Couldn't have made
my point any clearer.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to
make it a bit more clear-er.

Our daughter went to school
without wearing makeup,

And everything
was upside down.

Clearer.

Some people liked her more,
some people liked her less,

But everyone
jumped to conclusions

Based on her appearance,

Just like you did
with the architect.

Here's that
comfortable feeling back--

It's Mike's fault.

Mike, it's just the everyday
cost of being a woman.

Do me a favor--

Go through
those architects' proposals.

Don't look at their names,
and just choose the best one.

Do it for me and for
your three daughters, okay?

May the best man win.

Hey, Mike,

Hey, I picked up
a duck whistle downstairs.

You wanna see a cool trick?
Sure.

(Duck call quacks)

(Laughs)

Guess how I'm blowing it?

I don't wanna know.

(Laughs)

(Quacks)

(Quacks)

(Laughs)

It's just me, Mr. B.

He couldn't make a whistle
work with his butt.

(Laughs) But I tried!

(Laughing)

Hey, I thought
I'd take you to lunch.

Yeah?
We can cross some T's,

Dot some I's
on that mall deal, huh?

You know, if we go
to Bob's Classy Lady,

We could actually see
some T's with our own eyes!
(Door closes)

Ah, I don't think you're
gonna wanna take me to lunch.

I looked at the proposals,

And--and, uh, I'm gonna go
with another architect

For the mall stores.

Wait. Oh, you gotta
be kidding. Come on, Mike.

I've been your guy
for years.

What happened?

Well, the free market
happened, Bill.

I took an unbiased look
at all the proposals

And I went for the best
presentation at the best price.

You just didn't bring
your "A" game this time.

I didn't think I had to.

You know my work.

I understand, but this is
a business decision.

You know, you just lost
fair and square.

That's it.
Nothing personal, Bill.

(Exhales) Did Alyssa Warren
get the job?

How did you know that?

She's out there
flirting with Ed right now.

Come on. Look at her.

She couldn't possibly
be any good.

Some guy at her firm's probably
doing all the work for her.

Well, maybe you should hire
that guy to work for you.

I can't believe it.

Ol' Mike Baxter
went P.C. on me.

Hired yourself
a lady architect.

Well... (Chuckles)
Watch your back, buddy.

Today they got me.

Tomorrow,
they're coming after you.

I live with four of 'em.
They got me a long time ago.

Should've had boys.

Mike Baxter here--
down here--

For Outdoor Man,
where we carry

Whatever you need
for whatever you're hunting,

Whether it be moose,
deer, or manatee.

Where the--where the hell's
my manatee?

You'd be surprised.
They're pretty good eatin'.

But these days,
everyone's gunning

For the American white male.
Hello.

I'm an American white male.

This species never gets credit
for all it's done,

Like building hospitals,
roads, electrical grid.

This species gets blamed
for everything that's nasty--

Wars, global warming,

Hillbilly shows
about making moonshine.

Look out, men. The ladies
are snapping at your heels.

And did you know that women
outnumber men in colleges,

57% to 43%?

That adds up to 100%.

Men, we have to keep busting
our ass to stay in this thing.

Otherwise, we'll end up stuffed

And mounted
on some woman's wall.

You know,
I actually really like

That hillbilly show, Mr. B.

Of course you do, Kyle.