Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Help - full transcript

HEY, BOYD, COME ON.

TURN OFF THE TV,
GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE.

I DON'T WANNA GO.
WHY NOT?

CHELSEA KING
KEEPS TRYING TO KISS ME.

IT'S GROSS.
(turns off TV)

I IMAGINE IT IS GROSS NOW,

BUT IN A COUPLE YEARS,
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

AND AFTER THAT,
IT JUST GETS EXPENSIVE,

AND THEN IT JUST STOPS
ALL OF A SUDDEN.

YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
I'M STILL GETTIN' PLENTY. MM.



HEY, THANKS AGAIN
FOR LETTING ME

USE YOUR HISTORY PAPER
ON THE CIVIL WAR.

GUARANTEED "A." JUST DON'T
FORGET TO CHANGE THE NAME.

OH, YEAH.
WAY AHEAD OF YOU. SEE?

HMM...

"HOW GEORGE WASHINGTON
FREED THE SLAVES."

YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED
THE WRONG NAME.

GIRLS, CLEAR YOUR PLATES,
PLEASE.

HONEY, CALL 'EM BACK.
GET 'EM TO CLEAR THE PLATES.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY? IT'S JUST
AS EASY IF I DO IT MYSELF.

UNLESS SOMEONE
WANTS TO HELP ME?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. WHY DON'T
YOU GET MRS. HALL COME IN

AN EXTRA COUPLE DAYS?

MRS. HALL?
(silverware clatters)



OUR HOUSEKEEPER.

WHERE HAS SHE BEEN LATELY?

DEAD.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE RIGHT
BEFORE HER FUNERAL...

THAT WE WENT TO?

ACTUALLY,
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

WE SHOULD GET SOMEBODY IN HERE
A FEW DAYS A WEEK TO HELP OUT.

BOY, A FEW DAYS?
WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING GIRLS

IF THEY WON'T
COOK AND CLEAN FOR US?

I'M CONFUSED. SO YOU THINK
THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE GIRLS,

THEY SHOULD COOK
AND CLEAN FOR US?

GIRLS ARE JUST BETTER AT IT.

GUYS ARE TERRIBLE
AT COOKING AND CLEANING.

HAVE YOU EVER SPENT TIME
AT A FRAT HOUSE?

OH, YEAH.
THEN YOU'D KNOW HOW BAD--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH, YEAH"?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

HI, GUYS.
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY THINKING

ABOUT GETTING ANOTHER
HOUSEKEEPER?

'CAUSE, I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU
FEEL ABOUT PAYING ME TO DO IT?

WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
WITH A LITTLE EXPERIENCE.

BUT I WANT TO SAVE UP
SOME MORE MONEY.

I NEED TO BUY
A SLIGHTLY LESS-USED USED CAR.

BUT YOUR CAR
ISN'T THAT OLD.

MOM, THERE'S
A SPICE GIRLS CASSETTE

JAMMED
IN THE TAPE PLAYER, OKAY?

I'M NOT TRYING
TO BE A MOOCH HERE.

I WANT TO WORK FOR IT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY YOU
TO CLEAN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN.

ALL RIGHT. THEN I GUESS
I'LL HAVE TO WAIT ON THAT CAR.

WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER VEHICLE?

IT'S GOT 8 WHEELS AND SEATS 50?

I PAY FOR IT
WITH MY TAX DOLLARS,

AS WELL AS EVERYBODY'S
HEALTH CARE THAT RIDES IN IT?

RIDE THE BUS?

YEAH, IF I WANNA GET GROPED,
I'D WORK AT A DINER.

OH, WAIT. I ALREADY DO.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE BERTMANS MOVED AWAY,

AND THEIR HOUSEKEEPER'S
AVAILABLE.

SHE'S FROM GUATEMALA,
SHE HAS A GREEN CARD,

AND THEY LOVED HER.
I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT--

THE BERTMANS MOVING AWAY.

HE HAD A MAILBOX THAT LOOKED
LIKE HIS HOUSE. WHAT A PUTZ.

WE WOULDN'T NEED
A NEW HOUSEKEEPER,

IF JUST THESE GIRLS
WOULD STEP IT UP

A LITTLE BIT AROUND HERE.

SEE YOU GUYS.
LATE FOR SCHOOL.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.

THAT DOESN'T GO THERE.
ALL RIGHT. SORRY.

NOT THERE. NOT THERE.

SORRY. HERE.
NO, NO, NO. NOT THERE.

NO. STOP.

LOOK. GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.
THERE YOU GO.

EMPTY IT OUT. THERE WE GO.
ALL THE WAY OVER HERE.

YOUR MOM LIKES TO START
FROM THE BACK WITH THE GLASSES.

SEE?

JUST NEED AN ADULT BRAIN
TO WORK THEIR CHILD'S BODY.
(closes drawer)

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S MORE WORK

PESTERING THEM
TO DO THEIR CHORES

THAN TO JUST DO IT MYSELF.
YEAH.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE PESTERING YOU
ABOUT A HOUSEKEEPER.

SO BOTTOM LINE--
YOU'RE A NAG?

OKAY.

TALK TO
THE BERTMANS' HOUSEKEEPER.

IF WE LIKE HER,
WE'LL PUT HER ON.

GOOD, GOOD. THANK YOU.
COOL. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, THANKS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF I HAVE TO DO
LESS HOUSEWORK,

THEN I MIGHT HAVE
MORE ENERGY FOR OTHER STUFF,

YOU KNOW, AT NIGHT.

(inhales sharply)
TONIGHT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.

YOU KNOW,
MANDY IS NOT THE ONLY ONE

SKIMPING ON HER CHORES.
GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY.

-- Captions by VITA--

(whirring)

OH.

(turns off vacuum cleaner)
OH, DID YOU WANT SOMETHING,
MISS VANESSA?

OH, NO, THANK YOU, BLANCA.
I JUST NEED A BREAK.

WORKING FROM HOME
USED TO MEAN PLAYING HOOKY,

BUT, UH, TELECONFERENCING
HAS RUINED EVERYTHING.

AM I RIGHT, BLANCA?

OH, YES. I WAS JUST SAYING
THE SAME THING

ON THE BUS THIS MORNING.
(chuckles)

SIT AND REST.
I MADE YOU SOME TEA.

OH, BLANCA.
THAT'S SO SWEET.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. WOW.
(knock on door)

OH. RELAX.
I'LL GET IT.

OKAY. OKAY.

HELLO. MAY I HELP YOU?

HI. IS VANESSA HOME?

MISS VANESSA'S
HAVING HER AFTERNOON TEA.

MAY I ASK WHO'S CALLING?

(Vanessa) CAROL?

HI. HI.

HI, HI. COME ON IN. HI.

DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT
YOUR AFTERNOON TEA.

(chuckles)
THIS IS, UH, BLANCA.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
SHE ANSWERED THE DOOR.

SHE--SHE NEVER DOES THAT.

OH, I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER
ABOUT THAT, MISS VANESSA.

NO. NO, NO, NO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

AND--AND PLEASE,
JUST CALL ME "VANESSA."

I-I DON'T KNOW WHY
SHE DID THAT, EITHER.

COME IN. COME IN.
YEAH, I CAN'T STAY LONG.

OKAY.
I TRIED YOUR WHITE CHOCOLATE
BROWNIE RECIPE,

AND IF I'M GONNA
GAIN 5 POUNDS,

THEN SO ARE YOU.
(laughs)

I'LL BRING ANOTHER CUP
FOR MISS CAROL.
OH, THANKS.

HERE. COME ON IN.

HOW LONG
HAVE YOU HAD A MAID?

WHAT? OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.

UH, BLANCA'S NOT A MAID.

SHE JUST, UH, HELPS OUT
A FEW DAYS A WEEK,

JUST, YOU KNOW,
COOKING, CLEANING.

LIKE A MAID.

Y-YOU KNOW, I-I DON'T
REALLY LIKE THAT WORD.

BLANCA--SHE'S MORE
OF A FRIEND...

I PAY...

TO... DO... MAID STUFF.

YOU KNOW, COME ON.
SIT DOWN. LET'S--LET'S GET FAT.

AH, THANK YOU. HERE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
BLANCA, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN

AND JOIN US FOR SOME TEA?
(clatter)

OH, NO, NO.
WHEN I SIT, I FEEL LAZY.

I'LL KEEP VACUUMING.
NO, I INSIST. COME ON.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE
A WEEK ALREADY,

AND WE'VE HARDLY
HAD A CHANCE TO TALK.

SO, UH, BLANCA,

UH, WHAT DO YOU DO
ON YOUR DAY OFF?

I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS.

OH. YOU NEED A TEACUP.

OH.
SO HERE, YOU TAKE MINE,
AND, UH,

I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I-I TRACKED SOME DIRT IN.

I-I'LL GET IT.
BLANCA, SIT, SIT.
SIT, SIT.

I KNOW HOW
TO USE A VACUUM.

(vacuum whirring)

(gasps)

OH, GOD. (laughs)
(turns off vacuum cleaner)

HI. HI. MWAH.
HI.

SO...
HI.

HEY, SO WHAT'S, UH,

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THIS PICTURE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YEAH, MIKE. WHAT EXACTLY IS
WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

IS THIS WHY
YOU HIRED A HOUSEKEEPER,

TO WATCH YOU DO HOUSEWORK?

UH, I'M SORRY.

NO, BLANCA, PLEASE SIT.

I-I'LL GET EVERYTHING.
JUST...
SHOULDN'T YOU FINISH
YOUR VACUUMING FIRST?

WELL, I SHOULD GO.
ALTHOUGH I'D LOVE TO STAY

AND WATCH VANESSA
DO THE WINDOWS.

OH, CAROL...

SAY HI TO CHUCK.
BYE-BYE.

SEE YOU LATER.
SO, HONEY, UH,

HOW'S BLANCA WORKING OUT?

HONEY, SHE IS A GODSEND.

(Mike) GREAT.
HERE YOU GO, MR. MIKE.

I GOTTA DO SOME WORK, BLANCA.
THAT'D BE, UH...

IS THAT A FROSTED MUG?

YES, MR. MIKE.
AN ICE-COLD BEER.

NOW SIT. YOU MUST RELAX.

OF COURSE I MUST. YEAH.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

UH, PECANS WITH CHILI.

I THINK YOU WILL LIKE
THE SPICE OF THE NUTS

WITH THE BITTERNESS
OF THE CERVEZA.

YEAH.
MM-HMM.

MMM. (mouth full) I LIKE THAT.
OH, YEAH.

LET ME TRY
A LITTLE BITTERNESS.

HEY, I LIKE THIS.
THIS IS GOOD.

HOW COME YOU NEVER
MAKE THIS FOR ME?

NUTS AND BEER.
I'LL ASK HER FOR THE RECIPE.

DAD...
YEAH?

SO, UM, I NEED $35
FOR THIS STUPID FIELD TRIP,

AND I FORGOT TO TURN IN
THIS STUPID PERMISSION SLIP.

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO--
EVE. EVE.

DEJE DE MOLESTAR A TU PADRE.

WHAT?

STOP BOTHERING YOUR FATHER.

BUT HE HAS TO SIGN--
OH, HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO DO ANYTHING,

EXCEPT RELAX.

HE IS EL PADRE--
THE FATHER.

AND HE WILL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN HE'S READY

TO HEAR
ABOUT YOUR FIELD TRIPS.

UH, DAD?

I THINK SHE'S GOT
A POINT, HONEY.

OKAY, NEW RULE--
NO ONE SPEAKS TO EL PADRE

FOR A HALF-HOUR AFTER--
EH, EH, EH, EH...

FOR AN HOUR AFTER WORK.

NOW GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

BUT I DON'T HAVE
ANY HOMEWORK.

AY, NO QUIERO OIRLO. VAMONOS!
(speaks Spanish indistinctly)

"EL PADRE"?

EH, EH, EH, EH...

YEAH, VANESSA GOT US
A MAID--BLANCA.

A MAID? ISN'T THAT
WHAT DAUGHTERS ARE FOR? HMM?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

IF YOU EVER WANT
TO GET RID OF HER,

JUST LEAVE SCHWARZENEGGER'S
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OPEN TO PAGE 214.

THAT'S WHERE HE INTRODUCES HER
TO HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR.

I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO GET RID OF HER.

VANESSA LIKES HER.
I LIKE HER.
MM-HMM.

SHE DID A HECK OF A JOB
ON THIS SHIRT.

(sniffs)

MMM. SMELLS LIKE THE OCEAN.

DOESN'T IT?
YEAH.

FEELS LIKE
A BABY'S BOTTOM.

KYLE, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ASK YOU

TO REMOVE YOUR HEAD
FROM MY SHOULDER. THANKS.

IT'S JUST REALLY SOFT.
IT IS, RIGHT?

SHE KNOWS HER WAY
AROUND SOME FABRIC SOFTENER.

YEAH, MY UNDERWEAR MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE I'M SITTING ON A CLOUD.

AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE
MY WORD FOR THAT.

LOOKS LIKE THIS BLANCA'S
REALLY WORKING OUT, HUH?

YEAH. YEAH.
GOTTA RESPECT HER, MAN.

TOOK HER EIGHT YEARS
TO GET HER GREEN CARD.

MM-HMM. MOST PEOPLE
NEVER GET THEIR GREEN CARDS.

RIGHT, WELL, WE CHECKED
EVERYBODY AROUND HERE, RIGHT?

OH, SURE, SURE, SURE.
SALES, H.R., ACCOUNTING...

EVERYBODY
ON THE LOADING DOCK?

CASHIERS, MARKETING,
MANAGEMENT...

AND EVERYONE
ON THE LOADING DOCK?

I'M SURE EVERYTHING'S FINE.

J.J. RUNS A TIGHT SHIP
DOWN THERE.

WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T KNOW
BECAUSE YOU NEVER CHECKED,

DID YOU, ED?

I MAKE IT A POLICY
NOT TO GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE
PROSTATE EXAMS.

WELL, NEXT TIME
YOU GOT YOUR HEAD UP THERE,

LOOK AROUND.

IF WE'RE VIOLATING
IMMIGRATION LAWS,

WE'RE SUBJECT
TO BIG FINES, ED.

LOOK,
A COMPANY AS BIG AS OURS

IS BOUND TO USE
SOME UNDOCUMENTED WORKERS.

I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF JOBS
TO FILL.

THEY'RE AFFORDABLE,
HARDWORKING, AND HONEST.

IF THEY'RE SO HONEST,

WHY ARE THEY WILLING
TO GO UNDER THE FLOOR OF A VAN

TO GET IN THIS COUNTRY?

THEY'RE JUST TRYING
TO BETTER THEIR LIVES.

YOU'D DO THE SAME.

YOU'D GO TO HELL AND BACK
FOR YOUR FAMILY.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM--
THEY NEVER GO BACK.

WHERE YOU GOING, MIKE?

WELL, I'M GONNA TRY
H.R. FIRST.

IF THERE'S A MESS
DOWNSTAIRS,

I GOTTA TRY
TO CLEAN THIS UP.

WELL, GOOD LUCK TRYING
TO CLEAN UP

SOMETHING IN THIS COUNTRY
WITHOUT USING ILLEGALS.

COME ON! LET'S MOVE!

WE HAVE TEN MINUTES
TO UNLOAD THAT TRUCK,

BECAUSE THERE'S ANOTHER ONE
RIGHT BEHIND IT! LET'S GO!

LOOK HOW J.J.
HAS THIS PLACE HUMMING.

IT'S LIKE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING.

I BET SWIMMING IS HOW
SOME OF THESE GUYS GOT HERE.

HEY, LOOK, IT'S MANAGEMENT!
EVERYBODY LOOK BUSY!

OH, WAIT. WE ALREADY ARE,
'CAUSE I'M DOING MY JOB.

ED, MIKE.

YOU GUYS GET LOST
ON THE WAY TO THE GOLF COURSE?

ACTUALLY, WE'RE DOWN HERE
LOOKING FOR A CADDY.

YEAH.
(laughs)

HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
GREAT.

HEY, CHECK OUT
THE HANDS ON MARTINEZ.

I THINK WE FOUND
THE SECOND BASEMAN

FOR OUR SOFTBALL TEAM.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M THE SECOND BASEMAN.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE THIS
AWKWARD CONVERSATION LATER?

I'M SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING,
J.J.,

BUT WE HAVE TO CHECK
EVERYONE'S WORK DOCUMENTS.

WHAT'S GOING ON, ED?

NEVER BOTHERED ME
ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE.

WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY
NOT ED'S IDEA.

IT'S FOR ME.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
YEAH.

WELL, I KIND OF DO. YOU PAY ME
TO GET THESE TRUCKS OUT ON TIME.

IT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER FOR
THESE GUYS TO FIND ALL THEIR...

PAPERS.

OKAY. (clears throat)
UH, LET'S GO, GUYS.

GUYS, I APPRECIATE IT.

H.R. NEEDS TO
TAKE A LOOK AT 'EM.

I'LL HAVE 'EM
RIGHT BACK TO YOU.
OKAY, I'VE GOT SIX RIGHT HERE.

ALL RIGHT.
SO WE GOT EVERYBODY'S?

THANKS, GUYS.
MIKE. UH...

SORRY.

IT'S GONNA BE A REAL DRAG
LOSING J.J.

HE'S BEEN AROUND OUTDOOR MAN
FOR OVER TEN YEARS.

I'VE KNOWN HIM LONGER
THAN I'VE KNOWN EVE.

HONEY, EVE'S 14.

YEAH, BUT SHE WASN'T
ALL THAT INTERESTING

TILL AFTER SHE WAS 5.

(switch clicks)

YOU KNOW, AREN'T YOU THE ONE
WHO'S ALWAYS SAYING

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
ARE BREAKING THE LAW,

HENCE THE WORD "ILLEGAL"?

I KNOW, BUT HE'S PART
OF THE OUTDOOR MAN FAMILY.

HE'S PRACTICALLY
PART OF OUR FAMILY.

GOSH, REMEMBER THAT TIME

THAT HE DRESSED UP LIKE
THE EASTER BUNNY FOR THE KIDS?

(chuckles)
YEAH. TRIPPED OVER
THE GARDEN HOSE ON THE WAY OUT,

HEAD POPPED OFF.
MANDY TO THIS DAY

THINKS RABBITS
HAVE MEXICANS INSIDE OF THEM.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU HAVE A LOT
OF MEXICAN INSIDE YOU.

WHY?
COULDN'T STOP
EATING BLANCA'S BURRITOS.

MAN.
THOSE DIDN'T HAVE MEAT.

THERE WAS JUST BEANS IN 'EM.
THEY WERE GREAT.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S GONNA BE
A ROUGH NIGHT, ISN'T IT?

I SHOULD JUST APOLOGIZE
IN ADVANCE, SHOULDN'T I?

YEAH, YOU SHOULD.

YOU KNOW, POOR J.J.

BOY, TWO KIDS, NO JOB.

AND FINDING A JOB THAT'S EVEN
CLOSE TO THE ONE HE HAD,

IT'S GONNA BE IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S NUTS.

MM.
AND THEN LOOK AT BLANCA.

SHE DID IT THE RIGHT WAY,
LEGALLY,

WENT THROUGH CHANNELS,
BECAME A CITIZEN, YOU KNOW?

BOY, CAN SHE COOK. WOW.

MMM.

MM.

OH! MIKE! GOD!

(laughs)

CONTROL YOURSELF!

GET SOME MATCHES.
(laughs)

SO WAIT. BLANCA'S NOT EVEN
COMING HERE TODAY?

SHE WAS HERE YESTERDAY.
(knock on door)

SHE'LL BE HERE TOMORROW.
SO SHE'S NOT COMING AT ALL?

BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN FINISH
MY SPANISH HOMEWORK.

BLANCA'S DOING YOUR SPANISH.
I'M DOING YOUR HISTORY.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
REALLY TELL YOUR TEACHERS

THEY'RE GIVING US
TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.

(knock)

HEY, WHY DON'T I GET THAT?

YEAH, I'LL GET IT.
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M UP.

UH... (mutters indistinctly)

(sighs)
(knock)

HEY, YEAH.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE, MAN.
(chuckles)

HEY.
WHAT'S UP, LARABEE?

HEY, BAXTER. I HEARD
YOU GOT YOURSELF A MAID.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
PROPERTY VALUES PLUMMETED

WHEN YOU MOVED IN.

I'M TRYING TO SPRUCE IT UP
ON THE INSIDE.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT
BECAUSE OF THAT HILLBILLY TRUCK

YOU ALWAYS GOT PARKED OUT FRONT
WITH THE GUN RACK?

ANYWAY, CAROL FOUND OUT
ABOUT YOUR MAID,

AND, UH, NOW WE HAVE TO
GET ONE, TOO,

SO THANKS FOR THAT.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

NOT MAKE MY WIFE HAPPY
TO SAVE YOU A FEW BUCKS?

WELL, I'D APPRECIATE THAT,
YEAH.

AND YOU WANDERED DOWN FROM
YOUR HOUSE JUST TO TELL ME THAT?

NO, NO, NOT QUITE.
IS KRISTIN AROUND?

OH, HEY, MR. LARABEE.
COME ON IN.

HEY, HEY. JUST CAME BY
TO DROP OFF THE KEY.

WHAT'S THE KEY FOR?

TO MY HOUSE.

MY HOUSEKEEPER CAN'T GET
IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT A KEY.

HOU--HOUSEKEEPER?

UH, HEY, I GAVE YOU
FIRST DIBS ON MY SERVICES.

HIS HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE
A BUNCH OF SLOBBY KIDS.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH
HER CLEANING MY HOUSE, MIKE?

I GOT A PROBLEM WITH HER

CLEANING ANY HOUSE
SHE DOESN'T LIVE IN.

YOU COULD PAY ME
WHAT YOU PAY BLANCA.

OH, THAT'S WHAT
THIS IS ABOUT--

OH, SO YOU TRYING
TO STEAL MY MAID, BAXTER?

SHE'S NOT YOUR MAID.

I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TWO
TO SORT THIS OUT.

SEE YOU, KRISTIN.
AND THANKS, MIKE.

YOU KNOW, THIS HOUSEKEEPER THING
ISN'T JUST MAKING MY WIFE HAPPY.

I'M SUDDENLY PRETTY HAPPY
ABOUT IT, TOO.

(laughs)

(door closes)

(knock on door)

HEY, ED. DID YOU TAKE CARE OF
EVERYTHING IN THE LOADING DOCK?

I'M PROMOTING RAPHAEL
TO FOREMAN.

RAPHAEL?

YEAH, THE GUYS SEEM
TO LOOK UP TO HIM.

MUST BE THE FUR
AROUND HIS LICENSE PLATE.

(knock on door)

ED. MIKE.

HEY, J.J.

JUST CAME BY
TO RETURN MY BADGE...

AND MY GUN.

I SCANNED A LOT OF BAR CODES
WITH THIS BABY.

I REALLY JUST CAME BY
TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SORRY
IT WENT DOWN LIKE THIS, J.J.

WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU.

OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME.

I'VE GOT A COUSIN
IN AMARILLO,

GOT ME A JOB AS A DISHWASHER
AT A TRUCK STOP ON I-10.

GET A DOG
AND A CHEATIN' GIRLFRIEND,

YOU GOT A COUNTRY SONG.

IT'S HONEST WORK.

DO WHAT I DO
FOR MY FAMILY.

YEAH.
THIS IS NUTS, J.J.
THIS IS NUTS, MAN.

OH, HEY, IT'S OKAY, MIKE.

I'M THANKFUL
FOR THE TEN YEARS I HAD.

YOU'RE A GREAT BOSS.

AND YOU'RE A GREAT FOREMAN.

BUT YOU'RE NOT
A DISHWASHER, MAN.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT
A DISHWASHER.

I'VE SEEN THE COFFEE CUP
YOU LEAVE IN THE SINK HERE.

IT'S GOT THIS CRUST ON
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET OFF.

DO ME A FAVOR.
JUST HANG HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT.

LET ME HAVE
A TALK WITH ED.

MAYBE GO TRY
TO WASH THAT CUP OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING WE NEED HIM
ON THE LOADING DOCK.
(door closes)

HE'S TOO VALUABLE.
YOU GOTTA KEEP HIM SOMEHOW.

THAT'S EASIER SAID
THAN DONE, MIKE. THAT'S...
NO. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YESTERDAY I LOOKED
AT THE IMMIGRATION WEB SITE,

AND THERE'S A WAY
YOU CAN KEEP HIM HERE

UNDER SPONSORSHIP IF THEY'RE
VITAL TO OUR BUSINESS.

THAT'S GONNA COST
A LOT OF MONEY.

WELL, YOU GOT A LOT OF MONEY,
AND IT WAS YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT STARTED THIS,

AND YOU GOTTA FIX THIS.

WELL, OKAY. YOU KNOW,
THIS--THIS JUST COULD WORK OUT.

THIS COULD WORK OUT.

REMEMBER I HAVE--I HAVE
THAT GREAT IMMIGRATION LAWYER?

ALL RIGHT.
REMEMBER
MY PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND SVETLANA?

YEAH, WELL, HOW GREAT IS HE?
YEAH.

HE GOT HER SHIPPED
BACK TO UKRAINE.

THAT'S RIGHT,
AND THAT WASN'T EASY,

BECAUSE SHE WAS
BORN IN KANSAS.

HEY. HI, BLANCA.

OH, HELLO, MR. MIKE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I'M GOOD.

WOW, YOU LOOK
VERY HAPPY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM VERY HAPPY.

LIKE MY UNCLE
AFTER HE PICKED GRAPES ALL DAY

AND MADE ENOUGH MONEY
TO BUY A WHORE. HMM.

I DON'T KNOW
THAT I'M, UH, WHORE-HAPPY.

BUT I MIGHT HAVE SAVED
A GUY'S JOB TODAY.

(bottle fizzes)
AND THAT'S
A REALLY GOOD FEELING.

(bottle cap clatters)
OH, WORK IS GOOD.
A MAN NEEDS WORK.

YEAH.
(bottles rattle)

HEY, BLANCA, I NEED TWO DOZEN
COOKIES FOR A BAKE SALE.

MAKE YOUR OWN COOKIES.

THERE'S A TUBE OF CRAP IN THERE
THAT TURNS INTO COOKIES.

CAN'T BLANCA MAKE 'EM
FROM SCRATCH?
(mug clatters)

IT'LL SHOW
HOW I REALLY CARE.

OATMEAL RAISIN, POR FAVOR.

OKAY. IT'S OKAY, MR. MIKE.
I DON'T MIND.

I LIKE DOING THINGS
FOR PEOPLE.

WELL, YOU GOT A VERY GOOD
WORK ETHIC, THAT'S WHY.

WELL, YOU CAN'T AFFORD
TO BE LAZY IN MY COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY BROTHER

REFUSED TO CLEAN
MY UNCLE'S FISHING BOAT,

THEY BURIED HIM IN THE SAND
UP TO HIS NECK,

RUBBED A FISH ON HIS HEAD,

AND LEFT HIM
TO LOS GATOS DE LA PLAYA.

(under breath)
LOS GATOS DE LA PLAYA...

(normal voice)
BEACH CATS?

Sí.

AND THOSE CATS
ARE NOT NICE KITTIES.

I LIKE WHAT I'M HEARING.
I LIKE WHAT I'M HEARING.

AND I'M NOT USUALLY
A CAT GUY.

AH, HEY.

HI, BABY.
WHAT A DAY AT WORK.

NICE TO SEE
A FRIENDLY FACE.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I WAS TALKING
ABOUT BLANCA.

SO WAS I.

OH...

HERE'S YOUR DRESS, MISS MANDY.

I FIXED THE HEM
AND SEWED ON A BUTTON.

AW. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME
TO IRON IT?

OH, WELL,
IT'S FASTER TO STEAM IT.

COME. WE'LL HANG IT
IN THE SHOWER.

YOU SEE
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

WE'RE PAYING SOMEONE TO TEACH
OUR KIDS HOW NOT TO WORK.

WE CAN'T CONTINUE THIS WAY
WITH BLANCA.

HONEY,
WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

I AM NOT GIVING HER UP.
I CAN'T GO BACK.

HEY, HEY, HEY...
NO, I CAN'T.

OH, HEY, BOYD, HONEY,
YOU DROPPED YOUR NAPKIN.

IT'S OKAY.
BLANCA WILL PICK IT UP.

HOLD IT. HO, HO, HO.
GET OVER HERE A SECOND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"BLANCA WILL PICK IT UP"?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

SHE'S MY CLEAN-UP GIRL.

OH, IS SHE?
OH. HOLD ON A SECOND.

HEY, BLANCA,
WOULD YOU BRING THE GIRLS?

GIRLS, GIRLS,
GET IN HERE A SECOND!

MIKE. MIKE, HONEY,
MIKE, PLEASE...
JUST--JUST GIVE ME
A SECOND.

JUST DON'T DO
ANYTHING RASH, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU GOTTA GET RID
OF SOMEBODY,

PICK ONE OF THE KIDS.

BLANCA, JUST FOR A SECOND.

LISTEN. GIRLS,
YOU'RE PART OF THIS, TOO.

YOU DO A GREAT JOB
AROUND HERE.

WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS TURNED
MY KIND OF LAZY GIRLS

INTO REAL LAZY GIRLS.

UM, IN FAIRNESS
TO BLANCA, THOUGH,

I WAS ALREADY PRETTY LAZY.

HERE'S WHAT
I WANT YOU TO DO.

I WANT YOU TO TREAT MY KIDS

LIKE YOUR UNCLE
TREATED YOUR BROTHER.

WELL, YOU DON'T MEAN...

RELEASE THE BEACH CATS.

I WANNA START WITH BOYD

AND THAT PAPER
HE DROPPED ON THE FLOOR.

OKAY. MIJO, PICK THAT UP.
PUT IT IN THE TRASH.

EVE, PREHEAT THE TIMER FOR 350
AND TAKE OUT THE COOKIE DOUGH.

MANDY, GO UPSTAIRS,

START THE SHOWER
TO STEAM YOUR DRESS.

LET'S GO! MOVE IT!
COME ON! RáPIDO!

BUT, BLANCA, I...
AH-AH-AH!

AND IF ANYONE TALKS BACK TO ME,

I WILL LAUGH
AS THE CATS CLAW OUT YOUR EYES!

NOT MY EYES!
ALL RIGHT, HEY, HEY,

YOU MIGHT WANNA TONE DOWN
THE CAT-EYE-SCRATCHING THING.

NO. I WILL DO THE...
(speaks indistinctly)

MM. I LOVE THAT SHOW.

(crunching) YEAH.
WE TOTALLY HAVE TO COME UP
WITH AN IDEA FOR "SHARK TANK."

MM-HMM.

WE SHOULD INVENT
A GIANT GLASS BOWL...
OKAY.

AND FILL IT WITH WATER...
YEAH.

WHERE PREDATORY
SEA CREATURES COULD LIVE.

HMM. PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH.

I LIKE IT.
I DON'T, LIKE, LOVE IT, BUT...

OH, MY GOD.

OH!

YOU WERE DESCRIBING
AN ACTUAL SHARK TANK!

(laughs)
OH, WOW.

UH, CHICAS...
HUH?

LET'S GO. LIMPIA TODO.
SORRY.

RECOGELO.
RáPIDO, RáPIDO.

NO QUIERES LOS BEACH CATS.
(hisses)