Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 24 - Found Money - full transcript

Hey, great promotion, Mike.

Let Outdoor Man
crush your old boat

and get a $1,000 credit
toward your new one.

Yeah. The only thing
better than selling boats

is watching one being crushed by a
16-ton killing machine. (Laughs)

(Roaring and rattling)

(Crowd cheering)

(Crowd applauding and whooping)

Man, that tank is crazy cool.

I love tanks. Ever since
I was a little kid,

I wanted to be
a tank commander.



Is that why you're always
in a bad mood?

Partially.

Do you know what would be funny?
If one of you guys bought it.

Don't be ridiculous, Kyle.
Who'd buy a tank?

I did.

Seriously?
That? It's yours?

Are you sure this is
a good idea?

You can't drive it
on city streets,

and you'd need to--

To rent a space in a hangar
to-- to store it, and--

Very good points.
On the other hand,

it is a freakin' tank.
(Laughs)

Okay, great.
We'll see you then.

(Cell phone beeps) (Chuckles) Evie,
set another place at the table.



Your aunt April's
coming in from Boulder.

- Yay!
- Does dad know?

What kind of question is that?
He loves your aunt April.

He calls her
"The Devil's Party Guest."

I love Aunt April.

She's proof that you can
grow up and still be fun.

I'm still fun!

Okay.

Hi.

Bonjour.

(Chuckles)

How was your day?

(Chuckles) Great.
Actually a great day. Hey.

Mm.

Aunt April's coming over.

And that's the end of that.

(Chuckles)

There's only one reason
why Aunt April comes here

from the People's Republic
of Boulder.

Mike.

I'm sorry, but she just
comes here to borrow money.

It's embarrassing.

(Doorbell rings repeatedly) Oh!

(Ringing continues) Even her doorbell
ring sounds like it needs money.

(Singsongy) I let myself in!
(Screams)

- Girls!
- Hi!

- Oh, and more girls!
(Both, flatly) - Hi.

(Makes kissing sounds)
And my favorite girl!

Oh, ho, ho!
(Laughs)

And where's the boy?

- Here we go. Hi.
- There he is!

Aah!

Let me go! (Chuckles)

Oh, my sides are splitting.

It's funny every time.

Ohh... ohh.

Mike, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm great.

Whenever I see you,
you look stressed.

- You know...
- You know what you need?

Magnetic rocks!

They will just suck the toxins
right out of you.

You know, I actually
like my toxins.

Like a good cheese--
It's what binds me together.

Oh, my God, Aunt April,
I love your shoes!

- Aren't they-- - I've seen them
on two of the real housewives!

Aren't they great?
I just bought 'em.

We just bought them.

Okay.

How are you guys doing?

We're good.
And Boyd is great.

(Chuckling) Actually,
it's a really funny story.

- So--
- My life's a mess! Aunt April,

you're kind of
an expert on dating, right?

I know my way around
a cruise ship,

if that's what you're asking.

See, there's this--
There's this new guy

at my coffee shop, but he
doesn't seem to know I'm alive.

- Ohh. Get his number.
- Okay.

And then call and call
and call and call.

Yeah, men need to know that
you're not going anywhere.

It's the key
to a healthy relationship.

Hmm. I feel like it's not.

Well, April, we're all
richer for your advice.

And only for your advice.

Ooh! Hey! That reminds me!

(Singsongy) Ta-da!

What's this?

Just a little something
I owe you.

I'm repaying your loan.

(Clicks tongue) Thank you.
(Chuckles)

Well, this certainly isn't
"money down a rat hole."

(Kyle) - Hey.
(Kristin) - Hi.

- You ready?
- Uh, for what?

Our date.

I got us tickets to that band
I was telling you about--

Crouch Potato.

Apparently it started
as a typo, and...

(Makes whooshing sound)

I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot,

and I have three more
chapters to outline.

You know what?
That's cool.

They're not that great,
anyways.

And people throw potatoes
at them. It's kinda dangerous.

What are you studying?

Oh. Um, cell division.

Actually, there's all of these
really amazing new theories

about how stem cells work.

Oh. Right on.

Yeah. (Chuckles)
Okay, so...

There are these proteins
that actually boost

the immunity of host cells
against...

(Thinking) Why would she think
this would interest me?

(Speaking indistinctly)
I mean, she is awesome,

but I feel like
we're drifting apart.

So...

How was your day?

It was good.
(Chuckles)

Today we got in a shipment
of 3D boat radar,

- and me and the guys...
(Thinking, scoffs) - He's a great guy,

and he means well,

but I don't think
he listens to me anymore.

(Speaking inaudibly)

In fairness, I'm not
listening to him either.

...but it didn't matter,
because this thing runs

on a 900-megahertz signal that
can pinpoint a channel marker

at 24 nautical miles.

(Thinking) I sort of think
we should break up, but...

Oh, I don't want
to hurt his feelings.

After that, we spent
the rest of our lunch break

playing hide-and-seek
in the warehouse.

That's pretty cool, huh?

Hmm?

Wha-- Oh, yeah.

(Chuckling) Yeah. Yeah.

Um, actually, my professor said

something really
interesting today. Um--

I think we should break up,

but I don't want
to hurt her feelings.

What?

That was supposed to be
a thought.

You know, it occurs to me

that someone still owes me
an apology.

Well, I'm sorry...

You feel you need an apology.

Because you ain't gettin' one.

Yeah, you just can't deal
with the fact

that my sister paid us back.

From what bank, the bank
of wishful thinking?

It's a cashier's check
from Boulder National.

- You can look for yourself.
- Yeah, yeah.

- $3,000?
- Mm-hmm.

Apology accepted.

You loaned her 3 grand?

Yeah. That's a chunk of it.

A chunk of it?!

How much money
did you loan her?

You know what?
Let's just focus

on the apology and the check.

I'm way past that.

I can't believe you loaned her
this much money.

- You didn't ask me.
- Well, it was in dribs and drabs--

A hundred here,
a few hundred there.

It's-- it's not like
I handed her a lump sum.

This is a pretty big lump.

I was okay paying
for her dental hygienist school.

That turned out to be a bust.

How could we know that
tongues would gross her out?

I also paid
for court reporter school,

which she just used
to meet attorneys, right?

Well, some of whom were
very nice. Remember Neil?

I remember he was married.

We have to be smarter
with the money,

especially when it comes
to April.

(Knock on door) Yeah?

Hey, dad,
there's a guy on the phone.

He wants to know where you
want him to deliver your tank.

Just a sec.

I bought a tank.

I told you, remember?

(Telephone beeps)
You bought a what?

I bought a tank!

A fish tank?
A-a-a gas tank?

A tank top? Wh-what...

No, a British Army tank.

Actually,
it's a self-propelled howitzer.

It's great! I got the specs,
you wanna see?

I don't want to see the specs!
Who cares about the specs?

You know I've been wanting
to buy a tank forever.

Yeah, but I-I didn't--
I didn't think you were serious.

That's why I laughed.
Laughed.

How come you're not
laughing now?

Yeah, but what-- what-- what--

What, are you gonna
drive a tank around town?

Don't be silly. You can't
drive tanks around town.

They don't have
turn indicators.

Well, great, great.
So you're-- you're just gonna

park it in our driveway
like an eyesore?

You know, I wanted
to plant azaleas,

and you were so against it,
because you thought

they would make our yard
look "too busy."

I'm not gonna park it here.

You can't park military
equipment in suburban places.

I got a warehouse for it.

Basically, you have bought

the world's
largest paperweight.

That can crush boats.

(Switch clicks) And y-you had--
You had the nerve

to give me grief about
loaning my sister money?

Listen, if we had the money
that you loaned your sister,

I could have bought the tank

and an armored
personnel carrier.

No, no. That's not true.

Listen, this is
a tangible item.

You can touch it.
You can feel it. (Sighs)

You can drive it
with your shirt off,

pretend you're chasing Rommel
across North Africa.

How much did it cost?

If you go by the pound,
it's less than cereal.

(Switch clicks)

(Groans and sighs)
Mike, just...

That was my money, too.

Well...

"Well..."?

- You make money...
- Yeah.

And I make money.
(Gasps)

- What?! Wha-- What are you saying?
- Now let's not--

- I don't want to argue about money.
- I don't want to argue about money, either.

- Let's not argue-- let's not argue about--
- What are you talking about?

All right, stop for a minute,
stop for a minute.

- Let's say I was paid in kidney beans.
- Yeah.

I would need a significantly
larger jar to hold my beans.

And around here at Baxter
International Bean Sales,

I hold 70% of the assets.

(Switch clicks)

You know what else
you're gonna be holdin'?

(Blows raspberry)

It always comes back to that!

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

I've got a great promotion
for you.

For the next 500 customers
that come into Outdoor Man,

you get a free rod and reel
and all the ammo you can carry.

Huh? The big news is--

We're not doing that.
That would be stupid!

You can't give away free stuff.

Free stuff?

Whoever said, "The best things
in life are free"

needs a head examination.

I'll give you an example.

You put a deer feeder
near your cabin,

and pretty soon, the deer--

They don't know how to get
their own food!

Why would they get
their own food

if they're just gonna stick
their hooves up at my house--

"Where's the food?!"

In an effort to get them
back on track,

I removed the deer feeder.

Did they appreciate that?
Oh, I don't think so.

Have you ever seen a deer
spit at you?

Well, that's what happened
to me.

I go out there,
they're all unwashed,

pooping all over the--
The lawn there,

carrying big signs--
"Occupy Denver."

And that's hard to do,
'cause they're--

They don't have
opposable thumbs.

And for the rest of you,
bring your dough--

And your bucks--

And come down to Outdoor Man.

It's our bass fishin'
boat sale.

See you later. Buh-bye.

(Door opens)

What are you doing here?

Sorry. I just needed
a place to think.

Hmm. All right.
Sit. Sit down.

So... (Clearing throat)
What's up?

Well, Kristin and I
sort of ended things.

Oh.

You poor kid.

Well, we both knew she was
out of your league, so...

- No, it was pretty mutual.
- Ah.

But way to pile on.
(Chuckles)

Okay. Come on.

If it was mutual,
what's the problem?

I don't know how to tell
Mr. B.

Do you think he'll be mad?

Look, one thing I've learned
from working with Mike Baxter--

Expect the unexpected.

I'm just nervous. I don't
want to disappoint him.

Yeah, well, prepare
for the un-preparable.

Do you know
I'm the first boyfriend

they've ever invited over
for Christmas dinner?

Mm-hmm. Kyle, you have to
tell the truth to Mike.

Yeah, even if you suffer
for it.

- I guess.
- Yeah.

And follow this
simple advice--

Anticipate
the un-anticipatable.

Well, that is simple.

And I'm not sure that's advice.

Hey, where's your mom?

- She's not back from work yet.
- Yeah.

Ohh. She works too hard.
She always did.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Uh... a good lesson?

So...
Yeah.

What's happening
with coffee boy?

Have you trapped him yet?

Almost. We are going
on our first date tonight.

(Both squeal and laugh)

Okay, quick tip--

If he is quiet
for even a second...

Ask him what's wrong.

And try to hug him
while he's driving.

Men love that!

Hey, ladies! I--

- Hey, sis! Hey!
- Hi!

Girls, you will never have
a better friend

than your own sister.

(Clicks tongue)

Why do I feel like you just
put a curse on me?

So...

What are you doing here
the second time in a week?

(Speaks indistinctly)
Can't I just miss my big sis?

Not when I just saw you
two days ago.

Oh, please tell me you're
here to give me more money.

Kind of.

But like the opposite of that.

What-- what--
What happened?

Oh, nothing happened.

I just had this
great opportunity

to invest
in a new startup business.

Oh, honey, I don't know.
I don't--

I just-- I don't think
it's a good time

for us to be loaning you money.

But it's not that much!

It's barely more
than I just paid you back,

so it's kind of like
you're breaking even.

I-I'm not seeing it
that way.

- Okay, well, hear the idea.
- All right.

- All right?
- Go ahead. Yeah.

It's a laundromat
and a breakfast joint,

and they're gonna call it
Wash and Nosh.

Okay.

Right? So you do
your own laundry...

And then you eat
between cycles.

Okay, listen.
When I first heard it,

- I was like, "that's crazy."
- Yeah.

But then...

I remembered all the times
I'm doing laundry,

and I'm like, "I'm hungry."

You know, April,
I just-- I'm not--

(gasps) You know what?
I get hungry then, too.

Right? And then
if you spill something...

- Right, well, you just put it
in the machine. - Yeah!

Wow.
(Shrieks)

Yeah, you know, it does--
it kinda makes sense.

(Gasps)
But--

- Yay!
- Oh!

Pretty good, huh?

- Wash and Nosh?
- Yeah,

or Nosh and Wash.
You know, customer's choice.

(Chuckles) That-- that-- that's,
uh, how great the idea is.

But even after our discussion
last night,

you still want
to loan her money?

April's my sister.

That would be the answer
to the question,

"how do you know April?"

I know. I know. I just--
Every time I took at her,

I just see this
6-year-old kid

that I helped raise,
and I--

I guess I just...
I can't shake the feeling.

I know, but it's not
doing her any good.

- She needs me.
- Would you do this for our kids?

I mean, would you do
their homework for 'em?

No. No.

I mean, do we pick up the room
and wash their clothes?

Well, you don't.

You know how upset you get
when we go to the science fair,

and the other parents
do the work for the kids?

(Chuckles) Oh, yeah.

An 11-year-old kid can't even
tie his own shoelaces,

but he can make an exact
replica of the Tesla coil.

(Inhales and groans)

Okay. Okay. All right, well...
(Slaps thighs)

I will get the money
back from her.

This is the least satisfying
argument I've ever won.

(Knock on wall)

Mike, I'm gonna apologize
in advance

if the tank smells like
limburger cheese.

I got it as a gift.

Why don't you just
eat it in your office?

What, and stink up my office?
What--

What's wrong, Mike?

You look a little down.

(Mouth full) Vanessa's really
upset about her sister.

But I know I'm doing
the right thing.

Well, then what's the problem?

I don't like it
when my wife is upset.

(Crunching)

One thing that four divorces
has taught me--

Other than the value
of a pre-nup--

In a relationship,
doing the right thing

doesn't always
make it right. Hmm?

Okay.

(Knock on wall) Jeez, this
place is like a train station.

I know you're busy,
but could I have a moment?

All right.

It's about my relationship
with Kristin.

Not now.

What if I promise to use
a sports analogy?

Got a minute.

Mr. Baxter,
knowing Kristin

has been one of the greatest
things in my life.

Sports!

Okay, it's the ultimate
frisbee championship--

I said sports!

Uh, yeah, it's the ultimate
football championships.

And it's halftime,
and we're down by 14,

and I think it's time
we change up the game.

Are you asking permission
to marry my daughter?

Mm, no, sir.

I'm asking permission
to break up with her.

Really?

It's not you, it's us.
I swear.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I know you might be
mad or hurt,

uh, but we're just drifting apart...
(Mutters)

She and I. Not you and I.
We're good.

I mean, I feel like in some ways
we're better than ever.

Okay.

Is-- is Kristin
all right with this?

Yeah. It was mutual.

Well, listen.
(Sets down picture)

As long as you treat
my daughter with respect,

your love life is really
none of my business.

Thank you. That's a relief.
(Picture rustling)

It's hard, because...

I really loved being
a part of your family.

Hey, Kyle, Kyle.

I can't believe
I'm saying this.

Just 'cause you're
breaking up with my kid

doesn't mean you can't be
friends with my family.

You could come by,
have dinner if you want.

Thank you.

Clean the gutters.

I mean, the right way.
You want to push all that debris

away from that opening
at the end of it.

Okay.

- Hey, V.
- Hey, honey. Look.

(Door closes)
What do we got here?

It's a check for the rest
of what April owes us.

Wow. (Laughs) Wow!

Hey, babe, I know
this is hard on you,

but this is the right
thing to do.

I know, I know. (Sighs)

That doesn't mean she's
out of our lives, right?

She'll always have a warm meal
and a roof over her head.

I'm glad, honey.

- Ye--
- Hey!

You were so right!

That guest bed
is incredibly comfortable!

You bought a tank!

It may not be practical,
but it sure is lovely.

Oh, the perfect
fighting machine.

You gotta respect
the science and engineering

- that goes into this baby.
- Yeah. "Respect." That's the word.

Yep.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Hmm?

If I could pack this barrel
with dog poop,

and get it in the general
direction of Ted's tackle box,

how hard would you laugh?

Y-you can't do that.
I mean... (Chuckles)

He would file a complaint.
He might even sue.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

You're right.

But it would wipe the smile
off his fat, smug face.

Where's the nearest dog park?

I'll get a trash bag.