Last Man Standing (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Buffalo Bill Day - full transcript

Here they come!

Faster! They're gaining on us!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Cue the tumbleweeds!

(Men hooting and hollering)

Oh!

Aah!
(Thud)

Oh, mercy!
We are all going to die!

(Click)
Whoo! You'll be safe,
little missy,

Or my name ain't Annie Oakley!

But there's thousands
of them.



And these warriors
are so terrifying.

Cue the terrifying warriors!

(Men hooting,
horse hooves galloping)

This place is lousy
with redskins!
(Click)

Stop, stop. Boyd,
you can't say "redskins."

I have a note. (Grunts)

You have a note?

Yeah. Why can't I just
be on top with Kyle?

I have these
cute granny boots on.

Nobody can see them.
Get back in the coach.

Can I please just shoot her
and put her out of her misery?

Are we stopping?
Yes, we are.

I don't know how they walked
around in these leather pants.

My junk is schvitzing.



Listen, we talked about this
a week ago.

You gotta take out all these
references in the script.

It's just not gonna make it.

It's based on Buffalo Bill's
wild west show. What?

I know. Come over here.
I can't have my grandson

Walking around
saying "redskin,"

"merciless savages,"
"injun," "wampum,"

All that stuff.

But it's authentic.

It's what
Buffalo Bill's show was.

Yeah, but protesters are
rarely interested in facts.

And unfortunately, we don't get
picketed by angry historians.

Boyd!
Hey, dad!

Did you see the injuns
coming after me?

"Injuns," Mike?

Son, they're called
"Native Americans."
Yes.

This is an ongoing
lecture series...

"why fun things are bad."

Listen,
everybody just take five!

Mike, I just stopped by
your house to pick up my son,

And he wasn't there.

(Chuckles) oh, how long did it
take you to figure that out?

Mike, today is my day
with Boyd,

And the last thing I want
is him celebrating violence.

We're not celebrating
violence, son.

We're celebrating
Buffalo Bill Cody's birthday.

Right. We just
added the violence

To give the show
a little kick.
Yeah.

It's my tribute to
a great hunter and outdoorsman.

And by having warriors
attack the stagecoach,

We're just subliminally
convincing customers

To, you know,
buy more guns and ammo.

Well, I don't want Boyd
exposed to any of this.

Come on, buddy.
We're leaving.

No, dad, this is fun!

Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
(Toy gun clicking)

The kid's a natural.
Come on.
Nice, Mike.

That is totally inappropriate.
Lighten up, pocahontas.

He's just learning a little bit
about history. That's it.

All right. Well, then, let's
teach him the real history.

The road west was paved

With the blood
of the indigenous population.

But it got paved.

And when do we stop paying

For stuff we did
hundreds of years ago?

Well, because America
just keeps on doing it...

Marching into countries,
slaughtering their people,

Stealing their resources.

"Hey, iraq,
sorry you didn't have

"weapons of mass destruction.

Now hand us all your oil,
please."

I know. We should have been
more patient with saddam

Until his more reasonable sons
uday and qusay took over.

Boyd, I'll pick you up
at home later.

All right. L-I'm going to peel
myself out of these pants.

If you need me, I'll be
airing out in the office.

Just knock before entering.

- Captions by vita...

Thanks for
the ride home, Kyle.

Yeah. Love your van.

The gas fumes really explain
a lot about you.

(Door closes)

(Chuckles)

You wanna come in?

No, I've gotta
head back to the store,

Put in a couple more hours.

This cowboy costume your dad
sold me wasn't cheap.

Well, you probably have time
for a lemonade.

(Southern accent)
Why, you must be parched

After that gruelin' journey

Travelin' across the prairie.
(Laughs)

No, I keep a jug
of water in my van...

And an empty jug, just in case
I get stuck in traffic.

All right.

Wait, Kyle...

Is there an eyelash
in my eye?

Well, I can't really see
if you keep your eyes closed.

You're not really good at taking
subtle hints, are you, Kyle?

I might be. Try me.

I've been giving you one.

I get it.

I have an eyelash in my eye.

Well, I'd better hit it.

It's always awkward
when I run into your sister,

Since we used to date
and all.

Yeah, well, I'm... I'm pretty sure
Kristin's moved on, Kyle.

(Chuckles) nice try, Mandy.
I saw her here yesterday.

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

Hey.

What are you lookin' at
out there?

Oh. Just... Kyle.

(Chuckles)
He's emptying a jug.

I hope it's the one
with the water.

What?

Um... I gotta go work
on a term paper.

That's a thing, right?
Hmm. (Chuckles)

Uh, hey, hey, hey.
Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Is there something going on
between you and Kyle?

(Snickers)

(Snorts) yeah.

Me and Kyle?
Yeah.

Mom, yeah. You wish.

I don't. I really don't.
No.

It's just that he
walked you to the door,

And where I come from,

That means he's hot
for what you got. (Chuckles)

Ew. Please never
say that again.

Do you think that he's,
like... Hot for what I've got?

Nope. Still gross,
even when I say it.

Honey, you know what?
Before this goes any further,

You... you really need
to consider

How this is gonna affect
our family.
I know.

Yeah.
Yeah. I'm gonna talk
to Kristin.

That's not the family member
I'm worried about.

I have to talk to dad?

Hell, no. (Scoffs)

Oh, thank god. (Laughs)

No, do not talk
to your father.
Okay.

Unless, of course, this thing
with Kyle gets serious,

And then we'll... We'll pull him
aside at the church

And tell him who
the groom's gonna be.

(Knock on door)

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Where's Boyd?

Well, he's supposed
to be with me,

But instead,
he's with your dad,

Re-enacting the grim slaughter
of the Native Americans.

Well, as long as
he's having fun.

I need you to sign something.
My lawyer drew it up.

You have a lawyer?
Yeah.

Wow.
I've got a buddy
whose sister's a lawyer.

Of course, he's in jail,
so she's not a very good one.

Anyway, it says you need to let
me have Boyd two days a week,

And one weekend every month.

But that's what we already do.
Why do we need a contract?

So I'm legally protected in that
one-in-a-million scenario

Where your dad doesn't give
a crap what we agreed to.

Ryan, this isn't
necessary, okay?

I'll talk to dad. He won't take
Boyd on one of your days again.

Oh, you're gonna
talk to him?
Yeah.

Oh, well, then, why didn't
you just say so? Problem solved.

Sign here, initial there,
there, and there.
(Car doors close in distance)

Why is this suddenly
so important to you?

(Door opens)
Daddy, I took out an indian!

(Imitates gunshots)
(Laughs) oh.

That's why.
Come on, buddy.

Actually, he just winged him.

I said it was a kill shot
to build his self-esteem.

Dad, if it's Ryan's day,
you have to check with him

Before you take Boyd
on one of your adventures.

I'm not asking
chief featherbrain

Permission to take
my grandson out.

He's not a featherbrain,
dad.

He's not a chief, either.

But it paints a picture.

Hey, Eve, great rehearsal today.

But tomorrow, instead of
pistol-pistol-rifle-rifle-knife,

I wanna go to pistol-pistol-
rifle-hatchet-knife.

Dad, listen, I don't wanna be
Annie Oakley anymore.

That's okay. Well stick with
pistol-pistol-rifle-rifle-knife.

I'm sorry. I just don't want
to participate

In a barbaric celebration
of genocide.
(Mutters)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You've been talking
to chief featherbrain, right?

How do you know
it was Ryan?

How did you know
who I meant by "featherbrain"?

Okay. Got some new pages
for everybody.

See if I can't make this script
a little less offensive.

I was up all last night
learning my line.

Relax. We've left in
"hyah!" and "giddyap!"

But every reference to "injun,"

"merciless savages,"
or "redskin"

Is now gonna be referred to
as just..."people."

Mike, they're being chased
by a horde of angry indians.

You can't say,
"people are after us."

It sounds like
it's the I.R.S.

Where... where's my new
Annie Oakley?

You can't replace Eve.
Eve is Annie Oakley.

She's the best Annie Oakley...
I'm here.

Made some adjustments
to the costume.

Although this'll work, too.

What are you doing
with that?

When did this turn into
"girls gone wild wild west"?

Grandpa, I gotta go
to the bathroom.

Boyd, you should have
thought of that

Before we left dodge city.

All right, everybody...

From the top.

Hyah!

This place is lousy
with... People!

Hyah! Giddyap!

Cue Annie Oakley!

(Giggles) ahh.

Kyle!

You've makin' it too bouncy!

Sorry.

And the name's festus.

Hey, festus! What, did you put
the coach on cruise control?

You know, it's supposed to be
movin' right now.

Annie, you're supposed to be
defending the coach.

Ooh, with what?
I forgot my gun.

I see that.
(Cell phone chimes)

Don't answer a call
during a shootout.

It's just a text, dad.
(Gasps)

Aw, look at tegan's new puppy!

(Laughs)

Grandpa?

All right. Take five,
everybody.

The little peashooter's
gotta pee here.

Listen, when I get back,

I want you to act
more like Eve. Come on.

I'll do my best, sir.

Talkin' to Mandy.

(Exhales)

Yeah. Ah.
(Exhales)

I look ridiculous.
(Laughs)

No. You're the prettiest
Annie Oakley ever.
Aw.

Can't believe
I'm saying this,

But I feel like this costume's
just a little too tight.

What do you think?

(Pop)

(Door opens)
Eve, you've gotta be
Annie Oakley.

I fell off the stagecoach,
like, three times today,

And I'm pretty sure
I broke my femur.

If your femur's up there,
it's not broken. It's lost.

I don't need a lecture from you
on bone-ology right now, okay?

Please, you gotta be
Annie Oakley.

She's badass
when you do it.

Nobody can do it as good as...
I can't stand watching you
with Kyle, okay?

What?

Yeah. That's why
I quit the show, all right?

I don't know why
you have to go flirting

With Kristin's ex-boyfriend.
It's gross.

Why do you care?

Because I know
what's going on,

And l... every time I see kris,
I feel like I'm lying to her.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm just finding it
really hard to tell Kristin.

Tell me what?

Mandy's making moves on Kyle.

What?

See? It wasn't that hard.
Now you try it.

I'm making moves on Kyle.

Oh.

But you're cool
with that, right?

Um, no. Not so cool.

Actually, I'm feeling
pretty uncool about that.

Why? You two broke up,
like, forever ago.

I haven't walked
the dog in a while.

That doesn't mean it's okay
to make out with him

Behind the mini-mart.

(Both) what?

Right. You... you know
what I'm saying.

Well, out... out of all the guys
in the world,

Why are you after Kyle?

Okay, first of all, I don't know
all the guys in the world.

But not for lack of trying.

And secondly, why do you care?

You're clearly getting
back together with Ryan.

Uh, what?
Where is that coming from?

Oh, come on.
It's pretty obvious. Am I right?

You and Ryan really connect.

Me and Kyle really connect.
It's great.

I mean, Kyle and I can, like...

Can finish
each other's sentences.

(Sighs) well,
that's certainly something

Neither of you can do
on your own.

He makes me feel...

Special.
See? Anyone can do it.

Okay, I just wanna be sure

That you're not gonna
hurt him, okay?

Kyle's a really sweet guy.

He... he taught Boyd
the alphabet...

Give or take
a-a few letters.

Kris, trust me.

I would never hurt Kyle.

Okay. Then you have
my blessing.

So you and I are cool?

I guess we are now.

The precedent's been set.

All your ex-boyfriends are
on Eve Baxter's radar.

Too bad they're all
stupid and gross.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh. Hey.
Hi.

Uh, you're supposed to be
picking up Boyd from trevor's.

Yeah, I got
a couple of minutes.

They're watching "ellen"
with trevor's two moms.

Did you get a chance
to sign those papers?

I printed them again in case,
you know, you lost them

Or burned them.

Excuse me. What papers?

Or if he
got a hold of them.

Be careful when
you're signing papers.

That's how I got
my eyes on a donor list.

May I?

Well, you're gonna
find out anyway.
Yeah?

I want to have it in writing
that I get time with Boyd.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

Oh, look, I tripped.

Oh, they went
into the firepl... oh.
Dad, are you serious?

Oh, with all that work
you put into it.

Look at that. They...
it all burned. Look...

I can do this
all night, Mike.

Well, one more time,

And then I'm gonna have to
borrow your printer.

Look, I know
when it comes to Boyd,

That I've made some mistakes.

Hey,
don't beat yourself up.

I got a couple of teamsters
that owe me a favor.

You left her and the boy
for three years.

You got no rights
with that kid.

Are you ever gonna
let me off the hook, Mike?

I mean, what ever happened to

"we shouldn't
have to keep apologizing

For our mistakes from the past"?

You're the one
that's holding a grudge.

You're still mad at cowboys.

Your cowboys wiped out a nation.

Oh, stop.
My big crime is what?
Being a scared teenager?

Dad, we were 17, okay?
We were both freaking out.

And for the record,
when I got pregnant,

Ryan said he would support me
in whatever choice I made.

Even if that choice
meant not having Boyd.

Dad, that is...
that is so not fair.

Well,
it's true though, right?

'Cause you didn't get
the choice you wanted,

You ran out on her.
Well, I'm not
going anywhere now.

Except for right now,

'cause I have to pick up Boyd
from the lesbians.

(Door opens)

Here you go, buddy.

Dad, I thought we were
gonna play indians.

Well, we are playing indians.

Now eat your acorn mash.

Can we scalp somebody?

We're not gonna do that.

Uh, violence was
just a tiny part

Of most Native American
cultures.

Yeah. The fun part.

Well, actually, there's lots
of fun parts, you know?

Like, um, here,
check out this music.

(Clicks)

(Men chanting)

Oh, wait, no.
That's not the good one.

(Clicks)

(Chanting resumes)

Now we're talking.

(Knock on door)

(Mouth full) oh, I hope
that's not the neighbors.

Mommy!

Did you come to pick me up?

No, honey, you're spending
the night with your dad.

Oh.
(Door closes)

Hey, can you go
into the bedroom and play

While I talk to daddy?

You can take
your acorn mash with you.

Yeah, no, thanks.

(Door closes)
Nice teepee.

I don't mean to nitpick,

But it looks a lot
like the rocket ship

You made for him last week.

Yeah. Just trying to undo
some of the damage your dad did.

Yeah. So am I.

Listen, he...
He was way out of line today.

Actually, kris,
no, he wasn't.

Everything your dad said
about me was true.

And I can't even imagine a world
without Boyd in it now.

All right. Well,
let's let the past go, okay?

You want my dad to forgive you?
Why don't you forgive yourself?

Here.

You signed them?

Yep.

Thank you.

That means a lot to me.

Good. Because I've got
something for you to sign.

What... what is this?

Uh, my list of demands.

It says, among other things,
that at least twice a week,

You have to ask me
how my day was

And actually listen
to the answer.

Don't I already do this?

Yeah. I want it in writing.

(Exhales)

Fair enough.

So... How was your day?

Let the record reflect
that I asked.

Howdy, partners!

(Audience) howdy!

(Applause,
man speaks indistinctly)

Thank you!
Thank you for coming by

To celebrate Buffalo Bill Cody's
birthday with us. Thank you.

Now all the bows and arrows
from the show

Will be on display alongside
their modern-day counterparts.

All right? Now believe me,

If the apache had carried
this baby here,

We'd be celebrating
geronimo's birthday.

Buffalo Bill was most famous
for his wild west show...

Mandy, you're in
the wrong costume.

You're Annie Oakley, remember?

Not anymore.

This costume's only big enough
for one Annie Oakley...

Even then, barely.

All right.

All right. Let's shoot
some people, people!
(Clicks)

She is a real beauty.

That's a winchester 30-30.
Yeah, it's a beautiful rifle.

So enjoy yourselves.
But stick around afterwards.

There's a bison petting zoo
in the parking lot...

Complimentary buffalo wings.

I chopped them off
the buffalos myself.

They're huge.

(Clatter)

(Under breath) Never works.
Why doesn't that work?

(Horse hooves galloping,
sounds of gunshots)

Hyah!

Here they come!

Faster!
They're gaining on us!

Aah! Aah.
(Men hooting and hollering)

Aah!
(Thud)

Oh, mercy!
We're all going to die!

(Clicking)
Whoo! Whoo!

(Southern accent)
You'll be safe, little missy,

Or my name ain't Annie Oakley!

(Cheering)

Don't shoot
the Native Americans.

They are mad, but they have
every right to be,

Because we're stealing
their land!

Uh, Mike, aren't we taking
political correctness...
(Chuckles)

Too far here?
I didn't write that line.

Then who did?

(Hooves clopping)

Thank you,
kind Native American,

For helping me find my hat.

It's a fine hat.
Weatherproof and stylish.

On sale now at Outdoor Man.

Hmm. Say what you want
about indians, Mike,

But they sure now how
to move some hats.

(Cheers and applause)

So we paid tribute
to Buffalo Bill Cody

And didn't ruffle any feathers.

Yeah. Congratulations, honey.
Fiberglass horses

And a schoolmarm
with a smartphone.

You really brought the old west
back to life. (Kisses)

Worked out pretty well.
Yeah.

Up until just now.

Does he know
we sell guns here?

You know, why... why don't you go
get Boyd off the horse?

(Pats back)
Just go. Come on.

I liked how you improvised
that extra "hyah!" out there.

Thanks. I was really
in the zone.

Mandy, I've gotta
ask you something.

We've been hanging out
a lot lately.

And I'm not so good
at picking up on hints.

Are we becoming
really good friends,

Or is this...

That answers that.

Call the donor people.

Just have them rip
my eyes out right now.